Blades of Glory (film)

Blades of Glory is a 2007 comedy film about figure skating championships. Directed by Josh Gordon and Will Speck. Written by Jeff Cox & Craig Cox and John Altschuler & Dave Krinsky. Kick Some Ice (taglines) Dialogue Jimmy: So, Coach. I was thinking about the music for our routine. Coach: Really? Chazz: We're gonna skate to one song, and one song only: "Lady Hump" by the Black Eyed Peas. What you gonna do with all that junk? / All that junk inside your trunk? / I'm gonna get you, get you drunk / Get you drunk off my lady humps / My humps, my humps / My lovely lady humps. Jimmy: [disgusted] I don't even know what that means. Chazz: No one knows what it means, but it's provocative. Jimmy: No, it's not. It's gross. Chazz: It gets the people going. Chazz: Bunk beds? Jimmy: I don't share rooms. Chazz: I don't share shit. The night is a very dark time for me. Jimmy: It's dark for everyone, moron. Chazz: Not for Alaskans or dudes wearing night-vision goggles. Coach: All right, this has got to stop right now. From here on out, you guys are a team. You understand? You are going to eat together, sleep together. You are going to pee together. You're going to file a joint income tax return. Practice starts now. End of discussion. Chazz: Mind-bottling, isn't it? Jimmy: Did you just say "mind-bottling"? Chazz: Yeah. You know when things are so crazy, you get your thoughts trapped, like in a bottle. Chazz: Why would we step in baby food? Jimmy: He's talking about the carpet. Berber? Chazz: What are you? The rug doctor? Jimmy: Maybe I am. Chazz: I'm the rug master. Jimmy: What does that even mean? Coach: Shut up and take off your damn shoes. Jimmy: Get out of my face! Chazz: I'll get inside your face! Jimmy: Ugh, I'm getting sick. You smell like aftershave and taco meat. Chazz: Yes, I do. Now scoot over. Fairchild Van Waldenberg: What's that, mother? You and father are sad that you were killed, driving Katie to her ice-skating lesson all those years ago? Yeah, me too. Stranz Van Waldenberg: Remember how they used to be alive? Darren MacElroy: I'm un-adopting you. Jimmy: What? Darren MacElroy: I don't think "un-adopting" is the right word for it. Well, legally I'm disowning you. Jimmy: That was disgusting. Chazz: That, young man, is how babies are made. Jimmy: Michaels. Chazz: MacElroy. Jimmy: I see you got fat. Chazz: I see you still look like a 15-year-old girl but not hot. Jimmy: You crushed my dreams. Chazz: Dreams? Shit. I haven't had one of those in years. Jimmy: Zip it, Chazz! Zip it or I will punch you in your crap, lousy face! Chazz: Hey, This ends tonight! Jimmy: It's daytime, you douche! Jimmy: I call top! Chazz: No, I already called it in my head. Jimmy: What?! No, you can't do that, that doesn't count. Chazz: Yes it does. Get used to it, Jimmy; you're in Chazz's world now. [Chazz shows Jimmy the tattoo of him he got on his arm.] Chazz: That's you. The wolf, that runs with the lone wolf. So the lone wolf never has to be alone again. Jimmy: You were drunk when you got it, weren't you? Chazz: Yes, absolutely hammered. Welcome to the pack. Grublets on Ice Manager: Hey, Michaels, let's go. Lace up. The fog machines are primed. Second show's almost three-quarters full. you drunk? Chazz: No. [Breaks the top off of the bottle of liquor he's holding] But this oughta do it. Grublets on Ice Manager: I would fire you if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there. You smell like urine. Chazz: A lot? Grublets on Ice Manager: Get your head on. Jimmy: This ice has not been properly zambonied. And where's the warm-down room? Coach: We don't have any of that. What we got is a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose. Chazz: This guy could not hold my jock sweat. Jimmy: I could hold it all day long. Try me! Chazz: Maybe I will. Jimmy: Maybe you should. Chazz: You challenging me, princess? Jimmy: I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's Annual Christmas Party! Chazz: Then bring it on! Jimmy: It is on! Coach: Good. We're in an agreement, then. Chazz: You know what, dude. Your hand has to be on top. Jimmy: No way. The girl's goes on top. Chazz: Yeah, ergo. Chick. Jimmy: I'm not the girl, I'm stronger. Chazz: No, I'm stronger and don't have a vagina. Jimmy: You are not stronger. Watch this, fat ass. Chazz: Fat ass? Chazz: I can't do the Lotus with a shattered ankle. I'm just a man for God's sake. Jimmy: We'll switch places. Chazz: I swear to God, if you cut my head off... [Jimmy walks in on Chazz and Katie getting intimate] Jimmy: Y-y-y-you sex demon! You sex fiend! Chazz: This isn't what it looks like. [Chazz grabs Katie's breast] Jimmy: Impure! Impure! [Jimmy Runs out of the room] Katie Van Waldenberg: Jimmy, wait! Chazz: Brother man! Coach: Jimmy, you put your clothes on! Jimmy! Damn it! Jimmy: Watch my icy, hot superslide. Chazz: Do it. Jimmy: I will. Chazz: It's not going to matter because you're flat in front like Ken! Hector: I almost gave up on you Jimmy. I started working on that Ukrainian skater, you know the one that looks like Elvis. So i moved to the Ukraine and it was cold, and everybody had guns, and it smelled like soup. Darren MacElroy: You're fired. Coach: What?! I brought you the gold medal. Darren MacElroy: No, you brought me half a gold medal. If I wanted him to share I would have bought him a brother. Skate Woodland Fairies: Oh, no! It's the evil wizard! Chazz: [drunkenly] Hey, little forest creatures. None of you sons-of-bitches try to be heroes. You hear me? Gary the Squirrel: Hey, Chazz. Come on. Chazz: Wow! Gary the Squirrel: It's Gary. What are you doing? Chazz: Hey, everyone! This is Gary, the squirrel. Now listen up. Gary's been a long-time friend. We've been skating for two and a half years. I remember when we were hanging out at the bus stop in Tucson, and Gary said, "I've got a third ball"-- [retches inside his costume] Damn it. I just threw up in here, people. That's the reality. Another layer to the legend. I am nothing but a human onion. In fact, we all are-- "[gags, begining to vomit] Oh, encore. [He retches again]Grublets on Ice Manager: Ladies and gentlemen, Grublets on Ice will be cancelled until further notice. No refunds will be given.Chazz''': Oh Bring it on! Let it rain down on me. Cast Will Ferrell - Chazz Michael Michaels Jon Heder - Jimmy MacElroy Will Arnett - Stranz Van Waldenberg Amy Poehler - Fairchild Van Waldenberg Jenna Fischer - Katie Van Waldenberg William Fichtner - Darren MacElroy Craig T. Nelson - Coach External links Blades of Glory 0445934 Blades of Glory blades_of_glory Blades of Glory The Official Blades of Glory Site Category:2007 films Category:2000s American films Category:Sports comedy films Category:Figure skating films Category:Incest in film