Clifford (1994 film)

Clifford is a 1994 black comedy directed by Paul Flaherty, starring Martin Short, Charles Grodin, Mary Steenburgen and Dabney Coleman. The plot revolves around Clifford, a ten year-old troublemaker who puts his uncle, Martin Daniel, through hell when he breaks his promise to take Clifford to a theme park. Father Clifford For the first time in my life, I felt very confused. I had thought that I didn't care how Uncle Martin felt about me, but I was wrong, and his words had devastated me. And, I thought I was so clever. And yet, I hadn't figured out until that moment... that if you destroy everyone who stands in the way of your dreams... then you end up alone, with no dreams at all. Dialogue [Clifford sticks his toy dinosaur up his father's nose, waking him up] Julien: Ow-! Augh! Damn it, Clifford! Why did you wake me? Clifford: I didn't wake you, Stefan did! WHY wouldn't you let him sleep?! But now that you are awake, I would like to ask you, my papa, when we land in Los Angeles, can we immediately go to Dinosaur World? Julien: [instantly pissed off] How many times do I have to tell you, son?! The plane doesn't go to Los Angeles! It goes directly to Honolulu. Clifford: But how can that be, pappy? Julien: How can what be? Clifford: That on my birthday, of all days, I could feel so close to Dinosaur World, yet it's so far away? Julien: Don't you start with me! Your birthday was six months ago! Theodora: [also waking up, completely stoned] Clifford...daddy's on a business- a business trip. And this is not a vacation. No. Julien: So will you drop this whole Dinosaur World thing for five seconds, huh?! Will you do that for me?! Huh?! Will you?! Oh, boy! You're driving me crazy! Clifford: Uh-oh! Look like daddy's gonna have a big stroke! [talking funny] And then he'll be talking like this. Julien: Ooh, I swear to god--! Theodora: CLIFFORD!!! Can't you stop for just a whole minute?! Clifford: Whatever you say, sweet one who birthed me! [Julien looks for Clifford at the airport after Clifford sabotoged their flight] Julien: Where is that little monster?! Theodora: Julien, please! [He finds Clifford wearing a pair of headphones] Julien: Well, you did it, didn't ya?! You did it again, didn't ya?! You're banned from the flight. They're not gonna allow you back on that plane, which means that I'm gonna miss the convention tomorrow, which means that I'm gonna lose thousands of dollars in speaker's fees! Do you understand me?! Do you understand what-where did you get that Walkman? Did you steal it? OH, MY GOD!!! Is there no end to your madness?! Clifford: No-no, a tiny old priest gave it to me, da! Julien: You're lying. Clifford: No! Julien: You're lying to your own father's face! I have every good right to leave you right here, you little animal! Obese lady: What a terrible thing to say to such a sweet child! Julien: I'm dreadfully sorry, Mrs. Extra wide load! What are you packing in now, huh?! About two dozen jelly doughnuts a day, huh?! Uncle Martin: Bad boy, Clifford! Bad boy! I don't know what to say to you, I'm shocked! You could've given that child's parents a heart attack. If they press charges, you could end up in prison. And the wasted time, I happen to be very busy, young man! The entire city of Los Angeles is relying on ME for public transit! My boss is breathing down my neck. That was so embarrassing with Mr. Ellis! PLEASE don't ever tell someone that they have a nice wig! Clifford: I said it was the bestest looking wig I ever saw. It was a complement. Uncle Martin: He says he doesn't wear a wig, and a person doesn't take it as a complement if you say "nice wig." Clifford: But I didn't say "nice wig," Uncle Martin, I said "bestest looking wig." I believe there is a difference. Uncle Martin: How is it that you're such an authority on wigs? Clifford: Because my teacher, Mr. Cavanaugh, wears a wig. He lets us play with it at recess sometimes. Uncle Martin: You-your teacher lets you play with his wig?! Clifford: Frisbee! (makes flying Frisbee motion with his hand) Mrs. Gathercold, the art teacher borrows it as well. That would be for different reasons. Uncle Martin: Let's just forget about the wig! But I gotta punish you, and that means Dinosaur World is out. Clifford: I don't understand. Uncle Martin: I've got a bombshell for you, young man. I happen to be the boss in this house, and you cannot fight city hall. Clifford: But surely, Uncle Martin, someone as wise and worldly as you would realize that breaking a little boy's promise and then punishing him for it, would be a terrible, terrible thing. I would imagine that little boy wouldn't be responsible for what he's gonna do next. Uncle Martin: See, now that sounds like a threat to me and I don't like threats. So you're gonna spend the rest of your day in your room. Now YOU march, young man! March! [The following morning after Clifford got Martin arrested for staging the City Hall bomb threat.] Uncle Martin: I am now out on bail. (beat) Are you listening to me? Are you!? Clifford: ...yeah. Uncle Martin: (beat) I've a criminal record. (points at Clifford) But you know what you're gonna have? Clifford: What? Uncle Martin: You're gonna have a one-way ticket back to your parents! Clifford: (panicks) Don't send me back to my parents, they hate me! Uncle Martin: Not as much as I do! (notices Clifford starting to cry) Oh, stop with the fake tears! Clifford: I'm not faking, I am sorry, I'll admit anything, just don't send me back to my parents! I'll even tell Miss Sarah that I was the one who put the lipstick in your pocket, which I didn't. It was her father whom did it! He wanted to embarass you! He said that you were a simple-minded moron! Uncle Martin: (not believing it) Sarah's father called me a moron? Clifford: A simple-minded moron. Uncle Martin: And Sarah's father put the lipstick on my pocket? Clifford: Yes. Uncle Martin: ...why would he do that? Clifford: 'Cause he HATES you! I don't know why! I certainly think you're a nice enough sort. Uncle Martin: And I suppose that Sarah's father also put the hot sauce in my drink! Clifford: That I don't know. Uncle Martin: You don't? You don't? You don't!? You have NO idea whom did that!? Clifford: I would suspect the bartender. Uncle Martin: Suspect... Clifford: A theory, just... Uncle Martin: Well, y'know, I would suspect someone else! But WHO could that be!? Clifford: (pointing at Martin) If you are about to say what I think you're about to say, then I don't wanna hear it! Because Sarah Davis loves you, uncle Martin! She wouldn't do that! Oh, she has problems with you, but every relationship goes through that. (notices Martin's all-knowing stare, and thus feigns surprise) Oh... Oh, you... you don't think it was me? (Reaches towards Martin) Oh, uncle Martin! Uncle Martin: (backs away) Ah! (He recovers for a second before proceeding) AND I HAD TO BE MADE NAKED, IN THE JAIL! I WAS STRIP-SEARCHED, I WAS, I WAS HUMILIATED! Clifford: (sobs) I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I made the tape! Oh God, it was wrong, Uncle Martin. Then why did I do it? Why? I think I know why: Because I was so angry at you for having promised that you would take me to Dinosaur World and then breaking that promise, Uncle Martin! Uncle Martin: What is it with you and Dinosaur World, it's a SICK thing! It's like, you're OBSSESSED with this Dinosaur World! Clifford: ...I believe that Dinosaur World is the only place where a boy like me can be happy. [Upon admitting that he sabotaged Martin at the party with Sarah's parents and got him arrested over not taking him to Dinosaur World, Clifford pretends to break down in tears, but Martin reads through the charade. He grabs a chair and sits down next to Clifford.] Uncle Martin: Listen to me, LISTEN TO ME! Shut up for a minute! Listen! Shut up! (touches Clifford to get his attention) You'll listen to me? Will you listen to me? (Clifford nods) Alright. (notices Clifford rubbing Steffen on his hand) Don't put the dinosaur, like leave there, like that, just leave the dinosaur, just leave the dinosaur over there, like that, I'm trying to tell you something. When I'm- (notices Clifford trying to reach for Steffen, but pulls back) When I was a little boy- (sees Clifford trying to reach slowly towards Steffen) Y'know, you touch that dinosaur, I'm gonna kill you. Clifford: Steffen wanted to stand here! (gets Steffen to move him, but Martin grasps Steffen and fights Clifford for it) Uncle Martin: Give me the dinosaur! Give it, I'll pull it's head off, give it to me! (overpowers Clifford, then puts Steffen away in his pocket) God almighty, boy! Now listen to me, I'm trying to tell you something to help you! (calms down) Clifford... I'm trying to tell you something about when I was a little boy growing up in Chicago, alright? There was a great amusement park called Riverview. Did your father tell you about it? Clifford: Yes. Uncle Martin: I thought that was the only place where a boy like me could be happy. But my father never took me there. And then, one day... they tore it down, before I ever got to go there. I understand how you feel, Clifford. Clifford: You do? Uncle Martin: Yes. Clifford: Does it ever get easier, my Uncle Martin? Uncle Martin: ...not really, now listen to me, listen to me. (gets on his feet) Here's the deal: You go to your room, write a confession that I will take to the police, and I will not send you back to your parents. And you tell Sarah that you and I are the best of friends. Clifford: Because we are, aren't we? Uncle Martin: Shut up. But if you even look at me funny... If you do one thing that I find weird, which is, you know, like, your middle name... (notices Clifford's psychotic look) See? You're doing it right now. Can you just act like a human boy for one minute here? Look at me like a person! You can't do it for more than a few seconds, look at me like a human boy! (Clifford struggles, but makes a neutral face) Don't mess around with me. You're gonna be back on that plane. You understand me? Clifford: I understand that I love you! (hugs Martin) Uncle Martin: (annoyed) Alright, alright, let it go. Let it go. (Realizes Clifford reached for his pocket and retrieved Steffen) Clifford: (cynical) Steffen walked back. [Martin, triggered, tries reaching for Steffen to break it apart, but Clifford resists] Clifford: He says "please, don't hurt him", he's the only one left on his family. Uncle Martin: Alright, y'know something, take the dinosaur and go to your room with it, I don't want the dinosaur, you take the dinosaur- go ahead, go ahead, write your confession! (Clifford walks away) PRETTY SOON THERE WON'T BE ANYONE LEFT IN HIS FAMILY! [Misled by Clifford to head to San Francisco, Martin comes across Sarah and Ellis on a dinner, where he presented her with a necklace. Sarah notices Martin and comes out of the restaurant to confront him.] Sarah Davis: What are you doing spying on me like that?! Uncle Martin: What am I doing? What are YOU doing?! What's with the necklace? Sarah Davis: He didn't give this necklace to me, the whole company gave this to me, and anyway, I have no intention of actually keeping it! You are such a baby! You know, Clifford should be babysitting you! Uncle Martin: Oh, no thanks! I'd prefer babysitters that aren't affiliated with the Manson family. Sarah Davis: What are you talking about? Where is Clifford? Uncle Martin: Oh, don't worry about Clifford! He'll be happy if you just give him a ton of sugar and a book about Hitler! Sarah Davis: What's that supposed to mean? Uncle Martin: I mean Clifford is responsible for me being here! He tricked me into coming to San Francisco! Sarah Davis: Oh, come on, now! Why would he do that? Uncle Martin: Why would he do that?! Because he wanted to throw a party! That's why he would do that! You don't know the first thing about Hitler-Clifford! He's a lying, conniving, evil little monster! Sarah Davis: You see, Martin, that is the reason why you and I can never get married! If-if Clifford were your own son, you'll be talking about in the same way. It was all a big act, wasn't it? The-the special relationship with Clifford, the loving uncle. Well, let me tell you something, you're a phony! Believe me, I can spot a phony a mile away. Drag Queen: Excuse me, honey, have you seen a great collie dog around here? Sarah Davis: No, ma'am. I haven't. That's why I feel sorry for you, Martin. Because you're just going to end up one, very lonely old man. Uncle Martin: Well, I feel sorry for you! (she sighs and walk away with door open and look to Martin) Don't think you won't age. (she walks away and door closes) Don't call me a lonely old man and a phony... Mr. Ellis: Where have you been? You should've been here an hour ago, I've been listening to this idiot for... What are you looking at? Uncle Martin: Nothing. Mr. Ellis: Good. Did you make the changes on the model? Uncle Martin: Yes, I made the changes on the model. Gerald Ellis: Yeah, but you didn't shave. We got the entire press court here, you look like shit. [walks off] Uncle Martin: I look like shit? Yeah, well, you look like... Willie Nelson. [After Uncle Martin's model blew up...] Mr. Ellis: Who the hell is responsible for this?! Uncle Martin: I am. Mr. Ellis: You're fired! Uncle Martin: [bitter] Of course I am. Mr. Ellis: [steps up to Martin] And by the way... I happen to love Willie Nelson. [storms off] Uncle Martin: [menacingly; to himself] I underestimated the evil one. Oh, Clifford. What shall we do? Whatever shall we do now? [Clifford is hanging off the edge of the coaster tracks above the mouth of the Larry the Scary Rex animatronic.] Clifford: Uncle Martin, save me! [Uncle Martin is unsure.] Clifford: ...Uncle Martin? Uncle Martin: I'm thinking it over! Clifford: Please, I'm scared. Uncle Martin: Well, I'm scared of what might happen if I save you! I mean, maybe I should do mankind a tremendous favor and let that dinosaur eat you! I mean, who knows what horrors you might unleash?! What if you got your hands on some plutonium?! [imitating Clifford] "I just made the bestest nuclear bomb in the whole wide world!" Cast Martin Short as Clifford Daniels Charles Grodin as Uncle Martin Mary Steenburgen as Sarah Davis Dabney Coleman as Mr. Ellis Richard Kind as Julien Daniels Jenniver Savidge as Theodora Daniels Ben Savage as Roger External links Category:1994 films Category:1990s American films Category:Black comedy films Clifford at IMDb http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109447/?ref_=fn_al_tt_2