Mongrels (TV series)

Mongrels, formerly known under the working titles of We Are Mongrels and The Un-Natural World, is a British puppet-based situation comedy series first broadcast on BBC Three between 22 June and 10 August 2010, with a making-of documentary entitled "Mongrels Uncovered" broadcast on 11 August 2010. A second series of Mongrels began airing on 7 November 2011, but was cut short by the series final cancellation on 18 January 2012, by order of Zai Bennett. "Songs" [2.0] "Pilot" [2.1] "Where My Balls At (He Wants His Balls Back)" [2.1.1] Marion: Hey.. Yeah! Reach down to touch you, can't believe there's nothing there, Wanna run my fingers through your short and curly hair, It's just those little things, those moments I can't face, Bending down to lick you, just to find a bald pink space. Those times we spent together, man they was intense, Remember when I tried to jump over that barbed wire fence? What about my sex life? What will I tell my bitches? That Chico cut my knackers off and left me fifteen stiches... I'm in pain, gone insane since they cut you babies up... Kali: Or maybe it's just the anestetic wearing off... Backing Singers: He want's his balls back... Marion: That's what I'm saying. Backing Singers: He want's his balls back... Marion: Back here and swaying. Backing Singers: He want's his balls back... Marion: I really need them. Backing Singers: Back in his sac... Marion: Has anybody seen them? Used to be, just us three, now I've lost my desire, Now you're gone, I'm alone, but I can sing to octaves... higher... Backing Singers: He want's his balls back... Marion: Do you get me? Backing Singers: He want's his balls back... Marion: Why'd you vet me...? Backing Singers: He want's his balls back... Marion: Just wanna scrath you. Backing Singers: Back in his sac... Marion: I wish they'd re-attach you... Oh... yeah... "Series 1" [2.2] "F**k Chickens" [2.2.1] Vince: Hold on, I smell chicken. And you know what I think about chickens don't you? (Sings) They're not from this country, they spread their disease. They look the same and all wiggle their heads when they speak. They lay loads of eggs to get free accommodation.. F**k all the chickens, they're the scourge of the nation. F**k chickens. F**k them back where they belong. F**k chickens. F**k them all the way to Hong Kong. Oh, you get loads and loads all living under one roof. They're no good at flying, people know the truth. Channel 4 make documentaries with them all the time. But no one cares about the plight of the vulpine. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)them back where they belong. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)them all the way to Hong Kong. (Spoken) All together now. Vince, Foxes, and Badger (Sing): F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) them back where they belong. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) them all the way to Hong Kong. F**k (Obscured by the sound of Nelson using an air horn) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of Nelson using an air horn) them back where they belong. F**k (Obscured by the sound of Nelson using an air horn) chickens. Vince (Spoken): To actually f**k a chicken would be wrong. "What Kind of God?" [2.2.2] Dean (Spoken): God loves us all Kali. Even pigeons. Kali (Spoken): God don't exist. And I happen to that for a fact. Follow me. (They fly up to the clouds.) Kali (Spoken): Tell me Dean. (Sings) What kind of God? Backing Singers: What kind of God? Kali: What kind of God? Backing Singers: What kind of God? Kali: What God allows a child of thirteen to sleep on the streets. Backing Singers: Out on the street. Kali: So that when I use a cash machine he's right there by my feet. Backing Singers: Right by her feet. Kali: It's so awkward when I have to pretend I'm skint and that. Backing Singers: What kind of God? Kali: What kind of God? Backing Singers: What kind of God? Kali: What kind of God allows that hard see-through plastic packaging on, for instance, printer cartridges and children's toys? Backing Singers: Amen. Kali: That means you have to get out the scissors but when you cut it, you end up cutting yourself on the sharp edges. Backing Singers: Hallelujah. Kali: What kind of God? (God (played by Christopher Biggins) appears.) God: This kind of God. Kali: Oh God, it's God. Backing Singers: That kind of God. Kali: Okay man, what's with all the call centres? God: They provide a service. Kali: Even those ones based abroad? God: It's true, the Indian ones are abhorred. Kali (Spoken): I'm not being racist but it makes no sense having a rail enquiry line that isn't based locally. Backing Singers: What kind of God? Kali: What kind of God? Backing Singers: What kind of God? Kali: Junk mail in newspapers. God: Come on be fair. Kali: Motorcyclists outweaving traffic. God: Yes you've got a point there. Kali: People who bring toddlers to weddings. God: I shall smite them. Kali: Wasps. God: Oh why did I cre-ate them? Kali: People who read over your shoulder. God: Ex-smokers' advice. Kali: Overly chirpy Australian bar staff. Kali and God: And Katie Price. Backing Singers: What kind of God? Kali: It is not my kind of God...yeah! "What a Difference a day makes" [2.2.3] Marion: The law says today that I can't be with you. Lollipop: But tomorrow we can do whatever we want to do. Marion: I can love you. Lollipop: Oh yes. Marion: And you can love me... Both: Thanks to 'the Sexual Offences Act' (2003)... Lollipop: One day you're a paedo... Marion: And you're my jailbait... Lollipop: Next day you're my sweetheart... Marion: And its suddenly legal to mate... Both: Oh what a difference a day makes!... Both: Just can't wait 'til the dawn breaks... Marion: Right now you can't handle the love of a man... Lollipop: But from tomorrow you can give it me as hard as you can... Both: What a difference a day makes. Marion: One day I'm a pervert. Lollipop: And I've still got my virginity. Both: But in less than 15 hours, it's a legal technicality... Lollipop (Spoken): Actually, I'm not a virgin... Both: What a difference a day makes... Both: Then we can legally fornicate. Both: I'd never dream of breaking the law today... Both: But tomorrow it's my right to do you every which way!! Both: What a difference a day makes... Lollipop (Spoken): Let's elope together. I could be your fiancé. Marion (Spoken): Ehh, maybe not.... Both: What a difference a day makes... "Everybody loves a Lesbian" [2.2.4] Cassandra (Lesbian crow) If your uncomfortable with coming out, then listen to what I says-bian, Whatever anyone thinks of gays, everyone loves a lesbian! Everybody loves a lesbian, honey, Norton’s passé, Ellen’s funny, Let those Baptists think what they like, There’s nothing, no nothing, quite like a dyke. It’s so wrong when you see boys kissing, But girl on girl, see what you’re missing, Lindsay Lohan never stopped traffic, ‘Til she rode Sam Ronson and came out Sapphic, Everyone loves a lesbian, baby, You’ll shout “yes!” during sex and not “maybe!” Camp is cliché, Lezzies have class, You’ll never find us cottaging for George Michael’s ass. So what if our haircuts make us all look the same? At least we don’t give the Catholic Church a bad name, No gay looks great in a girly frock, All ladies look lovely in a strap-on cock… [“Guitar solo.”] Cassandra (Spoken) One more time! (Everyone- except Kali.) Everybody loves a lesbian, baby, A muff-driving, rough-driving, car-fixing lady, Come on out, join us in heaven, We’ll soon be eating brunch off Pam St. Clement! Woo-hoo! "My Destiny" [2.2.5] Nelson: I'll always remember when I first met my 'Destiny' You caught my eye then you stole all the rest of me... Destiny (spoken): You are such a geek! (Destiny is pulled away by Gary) Nelson (spoken): It's this week's song! (Music stops) "Breaking up is such a faff" [2.2.6] I can't bring myself to leave her Breaking up would be unpleasant 'Cause it's almost her birthday And some people might say I only did it to avoid buying a present I don't want her friends to hate us And I've only just changed my Facebook status Screw it...let's just stay together! Breaking up is such a faff I can't stand awkward goodbyes Breaking up is such a faff I'll just sweat it out until she dies I can't bring myself to dump her Though she really gets on my tits 'Cause we've booked a trip to Pisa I've put it on my Visa If I cancel, I'll lose all my deposit It's easier to stay the same Than to file a travel insurance claim Screw it...let's just stay together! Breaking up is such a faff I'm too much of an emotional coward Breaking up is such a faff Besides we've just picked out a power shower And answer me this please: What about all our DVD's? 'Cause baby, I can't stand it if we have to fight, Over who owns that copy of The Dark Knight Oh, look: 2 copies of "Dodgeball"...bonus! Breaking up is such a faff I just wish that I was dead Breaking up is such a faff If I act boring maybe she'll leave instead... Muttering: Then again, you hear lots of interesting stuff about tax breaks for married people...which obviously is worth taking advantage of. And supposedly there's health benefits to being in a long-term relationship. Plus there's a lot to be said for regular, dependable sex...even if it is with someone you find physically repellent. "Middle class is magical" [2.2.7] Nelson: Middle class is magical. A safe world free from strife. Let bad things happen to other folk. While you read Country Life. Buy an aga. Wear a Monsoon dress. Get your food from M&S. Own an iPhone. Watch Bear Grylls. Take anti-depressant pills. Middle class is magical. Drive a 4x4 to school. Keep three sorts of hummus in your fridge. Make over your downstairs loo. Learn to salsa. Ski in Verbier. Drink too much Chilean Chardonnay. Ignore the homeless. Don't mind Burkhas. Condescend to migrant workers. When all the world is middle class There'll be no poverty or starvation. Because we'll all grow our own mangetout And Myleene Klass will the rule the nation. Because... ...Middle class is magical. Join us and you'll see. You're already halfway there Because you're not watching ITV. Yes, middle class is magical. What matters is what we wear. Let's pay someone else to do the difficult jobs While we work on our hair. Middle class is magical yeah! "Ugly women are beautiful too" [2.2.8] Dog: So Destiny...nervous? Destiny: A bit nervous of the other models in case they're a bit bitchy, because I'm, like, so sensitive, I'll probably cry. Dog: Oh, no, we're very nice. Destiny: ..."We?!" Dog: Yes, I'll be modelling with you today. Destiny: Oh, wow...(!) No, good for you. Seriously. It would be nice to see some plus-size girls out there! And after all... [Music starts] Destiny: If there's one thing I know, thanks to Gok Wan's TV show It's that ugly women are attractive They're just as good as me, though lacking genetically With a thyroid gland that's clearly overactive Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too Destiny: They're always sweet and trusting even though they look disgusting Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too Destiny: Don't mean no disrespect when I say you look like Shrek Backing: Ugly women are... Destiny: ...Beautiful too Destiny: Forget exfoliation that won't hide your deformation, girl The only way to shoot you is with a whaling gun! But who cares who's the fattest, 'cos it's what's inside that matters And whatever the hell that is, girl, you must have bleeding tons! Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too Destiny: I'm sexy, cute, and savvy, you're why cousins shouldn't marry Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too Destiny: I look like Cheryl Cole, you're an ad for birth control Backing: Ugly women are... Destiny: ...Beautiful too Backing: Ugly, big, fat women Destiny: Just like you! [Music ends] Destiny: Don't touch me. [Dog runs off sobbing] "Series 2" [2.3] "Just A Little Tap On The Nose"[2.3.1] Destiny: Listen to my pearls of wisdom, girls, If you want to get a man and keep him. When he doesn’t show compliance, Just apply a bit of violence, If he’s bad then he gets a beating. There’s no point complaining, It’s just doggy training. He’s got to learn discipline, Or I’ll put the boot in! If he’s going “Yap, yap, yap!” Just give him a little tap. Can’t bite back like that, And not expect a little tap, Just a little tap on the nose. Backing Dogs: Just a little tap! Just a little tap! Destiny: When I raise my hand, It’s because it’s all they understand, Men like a bit of tough loving. RSPCA don’t care, If he falls down the stairs, Long as nobody witnessed the shoving. It’s not my fault, He’s got to be taught. And it’s not assault, If you don’t get caught! If he’s barking like that, Just give him a little tap. Can’t act like a twat, And not expect a little tap, Just a little tap on the nose. Backing Dogs: Just a little tap! Just a little tap! Destiny: There’s every excuse, For domestic abuse. Just always choose, Where you hide the bruise! If he’s giving it all that, Just give him a little tap. Grab you’re baseball bat, And he’ll expect a little tap, Just a little tap on the nose… Backing Dogs: Just a little tap! Just a little tap! Just a little tap on the nose! "Immigration Nation"[2.3.2] Nelson: This is the immigration nation, We actively encourage mass migration, Tear up your application form, Let the border crossing swarm, And here’s how to dodge the legislation… Apply online for a student Visa, Or get smuggled in, whichever’s easier, Then you find a small bedsit, And… benefits, benefits, benefits. If you’re fearing prosecution, Just claim homeland persecution, Everybody’s doing it, Take the law and screwing it, Come and join the immigration… Nation… Now it’s time for you to bring, Your bedridden family in, Get them all a fixed address, And...NHS, NHS, NHS Soon as you are legal aliens, You are better than Australians! They do it by the rules, What a bunch of tools, Come and join the immigration… Nation… [Nelson scats.] Nelson: So let’s keep that culture vibrant, With hoards of economic migrants, Who’ll sweep the streets and cut inflation, ‘Cause we won’t do jobs below our station, Did your social worker mention, You’re entitled to a pension? Please exploit the welfare state, Now it’s our turn to migrate! The BNP makes it political, The Daily Mail are hypocritical, Watch them, when they get the chance, They all retire to the south of France! So let’s all claim an occupation, Let’s all toy with deportation, Ooh, is that a new PlayStation? We’re off to a sunny location! Come and join the immigration… Nation… Yeah! "Die Evil Zombies!"[2.3.3] Zombie Dog: Oh, why am I here, In this pub garden? One sniff of her, And I've lost control... I'm not the bad guy, I am the victim, Intoxicated, By her pheromones... Why does she make me, Act like a zombie?! I don't even like her, And I never have! Oh, what a cliché, Besieging a building, And all for some sex with, A pedigree chav! Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies! Zombie Dog: But I'm not a zombie, I'm quite clearly alive... Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies! Zombie Dog: I'm just a romantic with a monster sex drive! Who just wants your love but wants to survive...! Zombie Dog: Now they've killed Derek, He was my best friend, They used his own arm, To beat him to death! A father of two, And a charity worker, He said ger loved you, With his dying breath! Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies! Zombie dog: You say that I'm evil, you're the one hitting me! Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies! Zombie dog: Take my hand, feel my pulse, and I'm sure you'll agree! There's a place in your heart for a camp amputee...! Trio of zombie animals: Come on, everybody, let's do the zombie! Adopt a vacant look and lift up your paws! Zombie dog: Now you're reinforcing the stereotype, This dancing idea is fundamentally flawed! Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies! Zombie dog: In hindsight, our relationship was doomed from the start. Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies! Zombie dog: I don't want your brains, I just want your heart! But love has quite literally torn me apart! "Vince is a massive c***"[2.3.4] Vince (spoken): I, Vincent Fox, ...am a c**t. [Music starts.] Vince: From Millwall to the Albert Dock, there's one thing plain to see, In this entire borough there's no bastard bad as me. I guess it ain't a huge surprise that I have got no friends, Nelson: Well it was you that had your stag do ethnically cleansed. Vince: When I was a little cub my grandma said to me... Vince's grandmother (in a flashback): Please, son, put the gun down, you can have all my money! Vince: Silly cow, she kept her savings underneath the bed, So I nicked her f**king pension book and shot her in the head! Cat: He robbed me! Beagle Dog: Knifed me! Bulldog: Shot me! Chihuahua: He poured acid down my front! Rottweiler: He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt! Chimpanzee: He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt! All: I think that we all agree he is a massive- Nelson [interrupting]: Um diddle, um diddle um diddle ai! Um diddle, um diddle um diddle um... Um diddle, um diddle um diddle ai! Um diddle, um diddle um diddle um! Vince: You've got to give me credit, though, for keeping our streets clean, I'm on the Atkins Diet so I'm eating tramps and queens! Nelson: Why don't you join the BNP? I think you'd fit in fine. Vince: You must be f**king joking- I know where to draw the line! Cat: He robbed me! Beagle Dog: Knifed me! Bulldog: Shot me! Chihuahua: He poured acid down my front! Rottweiler: He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt! Chimpanzee: He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt! All: I think that we all agree he is a massive- Nelson [interrupting]: Um diddle, um diddle um diddle ai! Um diddle, um diddle um diddle um... Vince [to Penny]: Remember when we first met on that night out in the park... Penny: You were so romantic, I just felt an instant spark... Vince: If I'm being honest, that spark was a taser gun, I knocked you unconscious and then I had my bit of fun! Cat: He robbed me! Beagle Dog: Knifed me! Bulldog: Shot me! Chihuahua: He poured acid down my front! Rottweiler: He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt! Chimpanzee: He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt! All: I think that we all agree he is a massive - Woooaaaaaaaah...............! All: He robbed me! Knifed me! Shot me! He poured acid down my front! He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt! Nelson: He anally invaded me as a publicity stunt! All: I think that we all agree he….is….a….mass....ive C***********....**********T!! Vince: I'm a c**t "I'm Gonna Murder Justin Bieber"[2.3.5] Robert (speaking) : Okay, I’ve got a little musical number that might just fit the bill. [Music starts.] Robert: What was wrong with the good old days? Why does everything have to change? I much preferred the way things were before… When Britain really had got talent, And Justin frigging Bieber hadn’t, Brought his insipid music to our shore… Could you even name one of his songs? The self-important little diva… Gonna take a pick-axe to his pretty face, I’m gonna murder Justin Bieber… It’s easy to sing in perfect time, When all you ever do is mime, Thanks for destroying music, Simon Cowell… Every pop star looks like each other, Is that Zack Efron or a Jonas Brother? Either way they should be disembowelled… I’m gonna kidnap all the kids from Glee, And shatter all their femurs, But before he releases one more song, I’m gonna murder Justin Bieber… So I’m sticking with my record stylus, ‘Cos you can’t buy vinyl Miley Cyrus, That bitch deserves a flesh eating virus… Yeah…! I’m gonna butcher Joe McElderry, With a blunt meat cleaver… And they’ll auto-tune his final scream, When I murder Justin Bieber… I’m gonna murder Justin Bieber… "Smoking Makes You Look 'Cool'"[2.3.6] Marion (spoken): Ah, my boy- so much you have to learn. [Music starts.] Marion (singing): Uh-huh, uh-huh, yes... Since I wasn't around when you were a kitten, Here's a father's advice, make sure you listen. You have to go to university, Take media studies, it's a useful degree, Sniff loads of glue, the feeling's incredible, And never wear condoms, they make sex terrible, Backing Singers: Forget what they tell you at school, Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, yes... Backing Singers: Smoking makes you look cool. Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, light up... Marion: Keep your pin number simple, like 1-2-3-4, I have mine tattooed on my paw, If a Nigerian Prince ever e-mails, Send him your bank account details, Instead of a job, play internet poker, But never forget, you gots to be smoker. Backing Singers: Forget what they tell you at school, Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, light up... Backing Singers: Smoking makes you look cool. Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, light up... Always accept lifts from strangers, Hitchhiking’s free with very few dangers! (Marion): Send stuff to newspapers while you’re hammered, They published my cartoon of Prophet Muhammad. (Backing Singers): Forget what they tell you at school… (Marion): Join new religion when you are pissed… (Backing Singers): Smoking makes you look cool. (Marion): This is why I am Scientologist. (Backing Singers): Forget what they tell you at school… (Marion): Sell a kidney if you are broke… (Backing Singers): Forget what they tell you at school… (Marion): But never sell a lung, boy, 'cause you got to smoke. "Estate Agent's Song"[2.3.7] Nelson: Estate agents say millwall is the jewel of the east end, Canary Wharf’s up-and-coming neighbour. The house price indices have all gone up and bucked the trend, And the amenities are improving every day. Besides, no-one’s been stabbed here since Friday, There’s not been a murder all day! No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday, We’ve not been on Crimewatch since May! Mary (Red squirrel): Yay! Nelson: There’s a charming artist’s quarter just behind those burnt-out cars, A Banksy everywhere you lay your eyes… Mary: Is that a dead tramp lying there? Nelson: Of course not, this is art, Should be nominated for the Turner Prize... No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday, No-one’s been strangled or maimed! No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday, And you’ll just love our needle exchange! Mary: Key change! Nelson: You probably won’t get shot; drive-by shootings are rare… Mary: But isn’t that a drive-by shooting over there? Nelson: Did I mention we’re often on The Secret Millionaire…? Yeah…! No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday, Arson is on the decline! No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday, And gang-related deaths are so rare… It’s a crime. It’s a crime… Mary: Where do I sign? "Shit house party"[2.3.8] Nelson: Tonight’s the night I’m going to let my hair down. Backing singers: Oh! Marion: - Tonight’s the night I’m going to get my groove on. Backing singers: Yeah! Nelson: Tonight’s the night I’ll spray my French cologne on. Backing singers: Ah! Kali: But know we really need to get a move on… Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party... Kali: We’ll pretend that it’s great when we’re in it, But really we’ll hate every minute Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party... Nelson: We might be glad we came along, After four white lightnings and a Jager bomb. Yeah! Kali: A queue for seven hours for the toilet, ‘Cause someone’s having unprotected… sex in the bath! Marion: The girls will find out if they got their boobs out, When they’re tagged in the Facebook… photograph! Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party... Kali: We’d obviously rather not go, But we said that we’d be there so… Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party... Marion: I’ll grope your baby sister, In a game of naked Twister! Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party- Yeah! "Episode Dialogue" [3.0] "Pilot" [3.1] Vince: Nelson, You twat, It's me! Vinny! The Vince-ster. Sir Vince-the-lot. The Vincizizer, Vince-a-rama, The V-man! Vincy Wincy Spider, Vintintin! You know! Vince! Nelson: Oh, Vince? God. I haven't seen you since mother's funeral. Vince: Got Ya! "Series 1" [3.2] "Episode 1" Destiny: Most people have to fly a plane into a building before they're surrounded by this many virgins. Kali: I want to join your evil scheme. Marion: Sure, just make a cheque out to Tom Cruise, we'll send you a fact pack. Kali: What? Marion: Sorry, which evil scheme do you mean? Nelson: I'm not a square. I break the rules! Kali: Huh. The rules of Boggle. Nelson: Still takes guts! Trainer: Play dead. Dogs: [in unison] Hello. I'm Richard Whiteley. [They all collapse] "Episode 2" Nelson: Messing around with Catnip. You've let me down, you've let your friends down... but you know who you've let down most of all? Marion: Myself? Nelson: The Variety Club of Great Britain. [Cut to a scene where some excrement is seen on a minibus, with children behind a man shaking his head] Marion: I made a crap in a sunshine coach? Nelson: Oh yes, you very much did. There was no trip to Thorpe Park for those kiddies. Nelson: You ate your own babies? Vince: Well, you know how it is, Nelson - it's late, you can't be arsed to go to the all-night garage, you ain't got nothing in the fridge... Nelson: Vince, you've got Muller Rice! Vince: Well, yeah, but no spoons. Nelson: Wait a minute. You ate six perfectly healthy children - your own children - just because you couldn't find a spoon! Vince: In my defence, they are both rhubarb. "Episode 3" Marion: We have to break up! Lollipop: You said I was special! Marion: I know. Lollipop: You said you loved me! Marion: I do love you! Lollipop: You touched me! Marion: Yeah, and we can never tell anyone about that. I'm not even joking. Lollipop: Don't you want to lick your Lollipop? Nelson: They're not loveable Christopher Biggins showbiz gays after all - they're evil gays! Marion: Oh no, the very worst kind of gay! "Episode 4" Animal of courage Dog: Target, an urban fox, reddish hair, about 2ft4, answers to Nelson, also the divine Ms Vulpine. Animals of courage do we know our battle plan? Bernie? Bernie (cat): I'll get us in the gates. Animal of courage Dog: Bobby? Bobby (rabbit): I'll... Take... Out... The... Alarms! Animal of courage Dog: Vince? Vince: I'll get the guard, right, and I'll f**k him up, right like proper beat the f**k out of him. Then right, I'll get my c**k and ram it right down his throat. See how he likes being f**ked like a Spanish choir boy. [Humps demonstratively while all watch] Animal of courage Dog: Okay Slight embellishment there Vince, but I'll- I'll let it slide. "Episode 5" "Episode 6" "Episode 7" Kali: You're an ironic folk hero, like that retarded kid who made that stupid Star Wars video. Nelson: Ooh ooh, you mean.... Hayden Christensen? "Episode 8" Destiny: So I got a new job. Glamour model. Kali: Don't tell me. Bloke in the park. Says he can make you famous. Destiny: Maybe. Kali: And as he spoke to you, just how furiously was he masturbating? Destiny: Kali, if I can get this gig, it could lead to all sorts of other stuff. Kali: Hmm, dog porn!! Destiny: Acting... Kali: Dog porn. Destiny: Charity work... Kali: Dog porn. Nelson: Marion, for God's sake you're going to die! Marion: Ah, but then I will wake up in a magical fantasy land, filled with virgins! Nelson: You mean Games Workshop? "Series 2" [3.3] "Episode 1" "Episode 2" "Episode 3" "Episode 4" Nelson: hm? What do you think? [Vince stares in open mouthed amazement at the interior design job Nelson has carried out on their section of the island] Nelson: Ooh! And I had some spare materials left over so I made you... A hat! [Nelson holds up a mirror for Vince to look in, and Vince looks into it] Vince: F*ck me that is jaunty! That is jaunty! That is very f*ckin' jaunty! Ha-ha, now make me a waistcoat. [Nelson sighs] "Episode 5" "Episode 6" "Episode 7" Episode 8 External links Category:BBC shows Category:Cancelled shows