Kung Pow! Enter the Fist

Kung Pow: Enter the Fist is an American comedy film written and directed by Steve Oedekerk, who also stars in it. Dialogue from film Master Tang: I remember, a long time ago, when a good friend of mine told me that there would be a chosen one. Master Doe [in flashback] There will be a chosen one. Master Tang: Then he told me, of the significance. Master Doe [in flashback] It will be significant. Master Tang: And then he killed the dog. [Doe groans and closes his eyes; he then farts and a dog is heard whimpering and falling to the ground] Chosen One: I now officially know too much. And why are you in bed? Master Tang: Oh, you won't even believe what happened next. Chosen One: [interrupts beginning flashback] No, please! Master Tang: If you insist. [Four peasants are beating the Chosen One until they receive his signal] Peasant 1: Should we keep going? Peasant 2: He said we should keep going until he gives the signal to stop. Peasant 3: Did anyone see the signal? Peasant 2: He was whining for a while. Peasant 1: Do you think whining was the signal? [peasant 3 starts hitting Chosen One again] Peasant 1: Hey, easy. [peasants 2, 3, and 4 begin beating the Chosen One's limp body] Peasant 1: Hey guys, come on! ... Oh, well. [Peasant 1 joins in the beating] Peasant 1: Wait. Didn't he say something about dramatically throwing us off his body? Peasants 2-4: Ohh-hh. [they pile onto the Chosen One's fallen body] Peasant 1: Okay. Go ahead. Throw us off. [Chosen One does nothing and they get off] Peasant 3: He isn't moving. Peasant 2: Uh... Peasant 4: Maybe we should leave. [they all leave] Peasant 1: Don't say anything to Mom. Chosen One: But I don't understand. Who are the evil council? Mushufasa: The answer you seek resides in the stars above. Chosen One: I don't understand. Mushufasa: Of course you don't. I'm speaking in riddles. That's kind of the point, like a clue, so when you figure it out you'll say "Oh, that's what he meant! Stars above!" Ling: But Chosen One, I'd like to help you, but I-I-I-I-I-I, I just can't. I won't. Wee-ooh, wee-ooh. Chosen One He wasn't at the restaurant, do you know where he is? Ling: No, I won't tell. Stay, stay and live, live a life with me. Wee-ooh. Chosen One: Look, Ling, those curlicues in your hair make me so hot, I can't think straight. Ling: You'll never make it. Never make it. Never make it. Never make it, never. Don't you see you can't make it? [Chosen One grabs her shoulders and is clearly shouting, but...] Chosen One: [calmly] I implore you to reconsider. Ling: Hmm. Okay. He spends his time on top of a waterfall swinging a chain around. There. You got what you wanted. Now go. [walks off while sobbing uncontrollably] Woah: [in a flashback] Remember, avoid the meadow [Master Tang walking and singing] Master Tang: Chicken go cluck-cluck, cow go moo. Piggy go oink-oink, how 'bout you? Gonna be an animal just like you. [breaks off and looks around] Henchman: [in bushes] Cuckoo, cuckoo. Betty: Mmm, I'm just a birdie, too. Master Tang: [is confused for a while, but then resumes singing] Lemurs go pff-pff, ostrich go baah. Koalas go... (smacks lips, then spins suddenly to face Betty) Betty: I am a great magician. Your clothes are red! [the Mayor is wearing red robes] Mayor: Wow! Please, do it again! Wait, who's that? [a henchman runs in] Henchman: Betty- he-he's alive, Betty. He's still alive, Betty. Betty: Still alive? How can that be? Oh this is bad, this is very bad. Your clothes are black. The Council will not be pleased. [the Mayor's robes are now black] Mayor: But Betty, do they have to know? Betty: He's supposed to be dead! I am responsible. He alone can disrupt the Evil Council's plan. Him and that infernal Toungey! Red clothes! [The Mayor's robes change back to being red] Mayor: Master Betty, might I inquire- what is the Evil Council's plan? Betty: It is evil. Meheh, it is so evil. It is a bad, bad plan that will hurt many people that are good. I think it's great, because it's so bad. Mayor: I see. I think. [Chosen One kicks Wimp Lo in the face; Wimp Lo does a pose] Wimp Lo: Ha! Face-to-foot style. How do you like it? Chosen One: I'm sure on some planet your style is impressive, but your weak link is: This is Earth. Wimp Lo: Oh, yeah? Then try my-nuts-to-your-fist style! [the intermission begins] Betty: Go get some snacks. Perhaps a carbonated soda. Ling: I hope they have Icees. Chosen One: I have chosen the large tub. Wimp Lo: My nipples look like Milk Duds. Master Tang: I've got some yellow liquid for your popcorn, and it's non-dairy. [two students are walking; both of them have their mouths closed, but voice is dubbed in] Students: [singing] We are both ventriloquists, ventriloquists, ventriloquists/We are both ventriloquists and we practice every day. Student 1: He carries the baskets. Student 2: He carries the paper roll. Students: And we don't have cysts/But one thing is for sure my friends/We are ventriloquists. [the Council appears out of the air] Betty: That's right. The Evil Council are aliens. [speaker comes out of Council ship and plays French music] Chosen One: They're French. Betty: Ha-ha. Stinky pits and all, baby! Chosen One: His powers are greater than mine. Mu Shu Fasa: Yes. Plus, when you got hit with his iron claw, you did scream like a wussy. Master Tang: [dying] Chosen One, do I look all right? Chosen One: Yeah. Sure. Master Tang: On a scale of one to ten? Chosen One: One. [the Chosen One is preparing to fight Master Betty. A man comes up to him] Master Doe: Wait! You mustn't. You are not ready. Chosen One: Who are you? Master Doe: Ling's father. Wee-ooh, wee-ooh. Chosen One: Oh, dear. Master Doe: No one man can defeat Betty. Betty: When you girls are done kissing, I've got some ass kicking for you! Chosen One: I have to avenge my family! Chosen One: I have traveled many years and miles to find you. Master Tang: How many miles? Would you say...ten million? Chosen One: ...No, I don't think ten million. [Chosen One is attacked by Betty and his iron claws] Master Tang: [Narrating] At that moment, the Chosen one learned a valuable lesson about iron claws. They hurt like crap man! Master Tang:[Narrating] Chosen One was clearly not ready. he should've listened to that one-boobed chick. Master Tang fights Betty the second time in the outskirts of the city; but before Master Tang is killed, the scene freezes up with Master Tang narrating his options Master Tang: Okay. So here were my options: A, quickly duck sideways, dodge the claw, then take him out with a spinning back-kick or B, take the claw in the face, then roll on the ground and die. [Hit in the face a few seconds later] Hmm! Shoulda gone with A! External link Category:2002 films Category:2000s American films Category:Martial arts films Category:Satire films Category:Films set in Hong Kong Category:Chinese-language films Category:2000s Chinese-language American films