Mystery Science Theater 3000/Season 7

01 02 03 04 05 06 Night of the Blood Beast Once Upon a Honeymoon (short) [The gang enters the theater as the title is shown.] Servo: Ah, how many times Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie had sex! [Cheerful music is heard during the short's opening credits.] Crow: [singing] Springtime for Hitler and Germany! [The short starts with a vision of heaven.] Crow [as Ricky Ricardo]: Lucy, I'm dead! [Wilbur gets tangled up in a TV antenna.] Servo: Hey, now they'll get immaculate reception! [Over a wide shot of the living room] Mike: They live in a doll house! Crow: You know, they should fire Grandma as their decorator. [Jeff tries to rewrite his song.] Mike [as Jeff]: What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that. Servo: One of 32 short films about... this guy. Crow [as Jeff]: Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"? Mike [as Jeff]: Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music! [A dissolve turns an empty ashtray into an overflowing one.] Servo: Mickey Rourke came over to help. Mary: No inspiration, darling? Jeff: I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today. Crow [as Mary]: Why would you wanna write him? Mary: [singing] I wish I had a castle in the sky... Mike: [angrily] Yeah, well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one piles up first! Mary: [singing] Away up high where bluebirds like to fly... Servo [as Mary]: [singing] I wish I could have sex with Louis Nye... Mary: [singing] A cozy, little castle with 100 rooms or more... Crow [as Mary]: [singing] I wouldn't have to dress like Tipper Gore... . . . [Wilbur, Jeff and Mary's marriage guardian angel, sprinkles "Miracle Dust" onto Mary.] Mary: I wish... [Beat for one second] Mary: [singing]: I wish the faucet wouldn't drip all day... Crow: AIM HIGH, SISTER! [A dissolve changes part of the kitchen to a different kitchen.] Servo [as Mary]: Oh, I wish Hardware Hank hadn't done my kitchen! Mary: [singing] I wish that refrigerator door would close and stay closed... Mike [as the fridge]: Oh, sure, everyone dump on the refrigerator. Crow [as announcer]: Miss Betty Furdess and the new Westinghouse! Mary: [singing] I wish I had a stove whose pilot was always lit... Crow: [in a Australian accent] Well, don't look for it now. It's only available in the year 2000! . . . Mary: [singing] I wish my living room were all redone... Mike [as Mary]: [singing] I think owning a newspaper would be fun... [The short's overly perky couple dance about the room with enormous smiles.] Mike: Honey, I can't stop smiling, I'm in hell! [As the couple prance around their home to a lush orchestral accompaniment.] Mike: [unimpressed] Meanwhile soldiers are dying in the mud in North Korea... [The bedroom is repeatedly dissolving to different ones.] Mike: That's about as sexy as a garage. . . . Crow: One bed's for them, the other one's for little grandma. . . . Servo [as Mary]: Jeff and I were going to get the racing car beds, but we decided on these. . . . Servo: Well, sort of a Westerny-Ginghamy-Oriental-Danish-Modernesque-Prairie School sort of thing, huh? Crow [as Jeff]: Here's how far I've gotten: LA! [Wilbur the fey angel sprinkles fairy dust on Jeff & Mary's house.] Crow [as Male Neighbor]: Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof? Servo [as Female Neighbor]: Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey? [Mary is trying to dial the phone, but keeps on getting busy signals. Mike and the Bots imitate the opening notes of a song.] Servo: [singing] Money... Jeff: Wait a minute, do that again! Mike [as Jeff]: Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum. Jeff: Yeah! Yeah! Why not? Servo [as Jeff]: I'll call someone to write the song! [The composer husband Jeff finally begins to find his tune.] Mike: [singing along] Everybody was... kung fu fighting, yeah! [An invisible Wilbur is playing the piano as the couple dances.] Crow: Welcome to Shakey's! [The camera zooms in on his glasses on the piano.] Mike: [gasps] Elton John was here! Crow: This would make a great companion movie with Eraserhead. [As the short ends] Mike [as announcer]: The following scene contains graphic sexual content. Servo: Wait a minute... what the hell was that about, anyway? Night of the Blood Beast (movie) [Three of the space program's staff head toward the crash site in a flatbed truck.] Servo: This is back when NASA was family-owned and operated. Crow [as JFK]: Before this decade is out, we will put a man in a pickup truck, and bring him safely to Mendocino County. Servo: It's great how they can run the space program, and then sell corn from their flatbed truck. [The scientists are examining Johnny's corpse.] Dr. Wyman: No skin discoloration. Temperature feels normal. Mike [as Wyman]: Well, let's give him more time to die. Mike: And the Steves are there! Dr. Wyman: I've never seen an internally damaged body with no sign of rigor mortis after so long. Mike [as Wyman]: And I love it! [Dave is fiddling with the radio as Donna watches.] Dave: Will you go out and ask Steve to come in here a minute? Servo [as Donna]: Okay. STEEEEEEEEEEEEVE! Mike [as Dave]: I could have done that... [Dave hears something.] Dave: Steve? Mike: Not everyone is Steve! [Steve, Julie, and Dr. Wyman are examining Johnny's body. Donna enters.] Crow [as Donna]: Um, have you guys seen my brush? Donna: Steve. Mike [as Julie]: Yes? Servo [as Dr. Wyman]: Yes? Crow [as Steve]: Yes? [After Dave is attacked, the rest of the scientists rush to the scene.] Servo: And the Steves are there! Crow: Steve One, you go that way. Steve Two, come with me! [The older scientist peers under a microscope and is stunned by what he sees.] Servo: Oh god... I'm pregnant! [After Dr. Wyman views the strange egg-like alien cells in the body's blood.] Mike [as Dr. Wyman]: What I'm about to say may sound strange, but I think we should eat this corpse. [After it's revealed that alien embryos have been implanted inside Major Corcoran's body] Crow: This is still a better movie than Junior. [The photographer Donna is staring at a photo she took of the satellite crash.] Donna: Here's something to complicate things even more. Crow: I took these upside down! [Steve enters in from the lab.] Steve: They're gone. Crow [as Steve]: My brownies are gone! Crow: Hard to trust somebody not named Steve. [The scientists are making their way down a steep hill.] Crow: Carry me. Servo: Shut up. Crow: Carry me! Servo: Shut up. Crow: CARRY ME! Servo: Shut up! Crow: Unnnnnnh... The Brute Man The Chicken of Tomorrow (short) [Over the short's title screen.] Crow: The Bill Clinton Story! Servo: The chicken of tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of today! [Over a dedication in the opening credits] Crow: Dedicated to the chickens who lost their lives in the great chicken war. Mike: Wait a minute! Men and women breeding better poultry? What kind of sick experiment is going on here? Narrator: After all these years, whether the chicken or the egg came first is still the subject of a lot of good-natured debate. Servo: [chuckling] No, it isn't.[A flock of chickens is hastily gathered around a feeding trough. One of them is actually standing in the trough.]Servo [as chicken]: Betty, must you sit in dinner?[as farmers pack chickens in cages for delivery]Crow [as chicken]: Woo hoo! We're going on a trip! Hey, where are we going? Servo: Chickens are shipped to the set of Oklahoma!Mike [as chicken]: I think the fella in white really likes us, Susan. [clucks]Mike: I'd like to be the Chicken of Tomorrow, but how can I be more of the Man of Today? Narrator: And on large and small farms everywhere, the search for a better chicken goes on. Servo: There it is! No, wait, there![As we begin to see what happens at the chicken farm]Mike [as Narrator]: If you're nice, we'll hook you up to the milking machine! Narrator: Of course, they have to be hatched before they can grow up, so let's start at the beginning, in the incubator. Mike [as Narrator]: [muffled] I'm in the incubator now...[A worker is placing eggs inside a tray.]Mike [as egg]: Hey, can I go to the bathroom? Servo [as egg]: No, stay in there. Mike [as egg]: Oh, come on. Can I go home? Servo [as egg]: No, the door's locked! Crow: I've seen the episode where the eggs come in too fast and she starts putting them in her mouth![A worker puts trays inside the incubator.]Narrator: The temperature is kept at 99 degrees to approximate the body heat of the hens. Crow [as Narrator]: And this fellow. . . . Narrator: This one unit holds 85,000 eggs. Servo: And one bathroom for all of them.[Watching footage of a baby chicken forming and hatching.]Mike: This is gonna be hot, hot, hot! . . . Servo: Mork calling Orson... Crow [as baby chick]: Hey, I'm trying to sleep in here! . . . Servo: That is one bloodshot eye. . . . Crow: Oh, wait. That's my Silly Putty. . . . Crow: [singing] How dry I am— [hiccups]. . . Narrator: And finally, the fully developed chick is ready to start breaking out of its shell. Servo [as Narrator]: Sticks of dynamite are arranged carefully around the perimeter. . . . Crow: [singing] Come on down and meet everybod— Oh, sorry. . . . Mike: I hate it when people tape their own deliveries. . . . Servo: Aren't there supposed to be pantyhose in there? . . . Crow [as baby chick]: Oh, what did I do last night? Servo [as baby chick]: Hey guys, it's God! Narrator: Sexing the chicks, or separating the males from the females, is a highly specialized trade. Servo: Yeah, for pervs![A farmer inspects one of the chicks]Crow [as farmer]: Whoa, Milton Berle there...[A worker is sorting out baby chicks.]Crow [as worker]: Garage sale. Goodwill. Save for the kids.[The baby chicks are being thrown into a small box.]Mike [as baby chick]: It's nice. You know, it's small, the walls are neutral. Servo [as baby chick]: Hi, Cindy. I'm so glad I'm gonna be in your group. This is gonna be a fun group! Mike: 40 piece chicken nuggets to go! Narrator: But wait a minute, you may be saying... Crow [as Narrator]: Why am I watching this? Narrator: Can those chicks just out of the shell be sent without food on trips of a day, two days, even three? Servo: You bet! Narrator: Indeed they can! Servo: [surprised] ...Hey, I was right.[The truck carrying baby chicks is driving very slowly.]Narrator: Nevertheless, speed is essential and it's here that the motor truck plays a big part in poultry raising. Crow [as Narrator]: I said "Speed is ESSENTIAL"![As the truck drives as the scene fades.]Mike: That guy's escaping disguised as a chicken![the next scene fades in]Crow: Chickens![Two girls are feeding baby chicks.]Mike [as girl]: How many are you sitting on? Crow [as girl]: Dad went a little nuts this Easter. Narrator: Their immediate destination after leaving the incubator... Servo [as Narrator]: Broadway! Narrator: ...is the brooder house. Mike [as Narrator]: Designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. Narrator: From now on, their main job in life is to eat and grow. Servo: [singing] Eat and grow forever...[The narrator has talked about keeping paper on the floor to cover litter.]Narrator: After the first few days, the paper can be removed. Crow: Except for the sports section. Narrator: After the chicks are two or three weeks old, they can be allowed out of doors if the weather's good. Servo [as Narrator]: And if they've completed their lessons. Narrator: The range shelter should be very small, not holding more than one hundred birds. Mike [as Narrator]: Or migrant workers. Narrator: The shelter protects them from the sun and gives them a safe place to roost out of the way of rodents.[Over a shot of chickens frantically fluttering out of a hen house]Crow, Mike, Servo [as chickens]: RODENTS?! AAAAHHH!![Over a shot of chickens eating]Servo [as chicken]: Heavens, I'm so fat. I just look at chicken feed and I gain weight. Crow [as chicken]: Does this taste funny to you?[On spacing range shelters to avoid chickens wandering off]Narrator: You know how chickens are. Servo: Yeah, they own everything. Narrator: Remember the old henhouse? Servo: The one with the rats? Narrator: It's now a hotel... a pullet hotel. Mike: Rooms by the hour.[Over a group of chickens in the henhouse]Crow [as chicken]: Open your hymnals to number 325. . . . Servo [as chicken]: Everybody! Soylent Green is made from chickens![On the trap nest, which is basically a chicken cage that can't be opened on the inside]Mike: There's no point; it's just funny![The Narrator is talking about profitable egg production.]Narrator: A hen that lays 210 eggs a year and eats 70 pounds of feed is giving you 3 eggs for every pound you feed her. Mike [as Narrator]: She will live. Narrator: Keep that one. Crow [as Narrator]: She's worth millions. Narrator: But if she eats 70 pounds of feed and lays only 70 eggs a year, you better send her to the market or to your dinner table. Servo: Or put a warning slip on her desk. Narrator: ...and this is a good place to point out a few facts about eggs. Mike [as Narrator]: Stop throwing them at my car![As the Narrator talks about cooling eggs and moisture.]Mike [as Narrator]: So put your mouth under a chicken. . . . Crow [as Narrator]: Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them.[The narrator explains how the carrier system works]Narrator: When you've got as many birds to look after as this hatchery, you're pretty receptive to labor-saving devices. And this carrier system is one of the best. It runs the length of the building, and is used to carry feed to the different pens. It can be used also for gathering up manure. Saves a lot of back-breaking work. Servo [as chicken]: Hey, pal, feed me, then clean up my poops![As a worker put seed in a feeding trough]Crow [as worker]: There's your appetizer, ladies, I'll be back to get your drink order.[After the narrator has explained the egg collecting process at great length]Mike: Eggs are complicated; they should cost like a hundred dollars each.[Showing a comparison of chickens as meat producers]Mike: It's Goofus and Gallant. . . . Crow: This could be your drumstick. This is the number to call.[Short cuts to a close-up of chicken being sliced]Crow T. Robot: May I have a piece of my own white meat please? . . .[Shot of cooked chicken being sliced very thinly]Servo: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh, thanks for the generous portion! . . . Crow: Yes, chicken sliced to the width of one electron. Servo: These must be models' portions. Mike [as server]: This one's for you, Miss Moss, and for you, Miss Turlington... . . . Crow: [in Ritzy accent] Yes, it's chicken. Glorious American chicken sliced the American way! Servo: You can carry it in your wallet. Narrator: But it's your pocketbook that profits most when you send this bird to market.[The next scene fades in]Mike [as Narrator]: We bring you now to market.[During the auction, as the auctioneer rambles off bids]Servo: Ah. He's drunk! Look at him. . . .[The shadowrama makes it look as if Mike, Servo, and Crow are sitting in the back row of the auction.]Servo: [to Mike] Put your hand up. Buy a chicken. Mike: [raises his hand] I want one... Crow: Alright, come on, sing, sing! Row, row, row— you're not singing! Narrator: Hundreds of live chickens can be speeded on their way to the dressing plant. Crow: Dressing plant? Sounds like fun. Servo: I want a new hat.[Shot of a gas station]Narrator: One truck can handle thousands of eggs and take them anywhere there to market. Mike: Even to the Texaco station.[As the short ends, a truck seems to move by itself.]Crow: There's no driver! The chickens are taking over! The Brute Man (movie) ["Creeper" Hal Moffett sneaks into the apartment of blind Helen Paige, as usual seated at her piano.]Servo [as Moffett]: Uh... look, Helen. Other girls in the sorority asked me to talk to you about your incessant piano playing.[A cop opens the door and looks at an empty bedroom]Crow [as Cop]: [with exaggerated Irish accent] All right, show's over, nothin' fer me to see here. I'll just be about my business then...[Moffet examines the groceries that were delivered to him.]Mike [as Moffet]: They forgot my Fruit Brute cereal! Crow: [observing the number 23 painted above the Creeper's hideout] Hey, it's KTMA! Mr. Haskins: [holding a grocery list] Where'd this come from? Jimmy: Somebody stuck it under the door. Mr. Haskins: [annoyed] Uhh... Crow [as Jimmy]: I hate customers! Jimmy: Don't you think it's kinda funny? Sticking a note under the door? Mr. Haskins: No! Servo [as Jimmy]: Go to hell! Mr. Haskins: And don't go trying to make a mystery out of it! Crow [as Jimmy]: Piss off! Helen: Hal? Hal? Hal? Servo [as Helen]: Open the pod bay doors, Hal. [A newspaper headline reads "Philanthropist laid to rest".] Servo: Ah, look at that. "Philanthropist laid." It's always the philanthropists... rock stars and philanthropists. [over a closeup of the Creeper's face] Crow: Hey fella, why the long face? Mike: Now, come on... Crow: [laughing] I'm sorry, I couldn't... Mike: I begged you not to do that! Crow: I know... Servo: That hurts. Servo: He can't decide if he's a creeper, a peeper, a stalker, a walker, a backbreaker... Crow: In today's job market, you can't afford not to diversify. [The Creeper slowly climbs the ladder of a fire escape.] Crow: Ladies and gentlemen! In the center ring, the Creeper will now attempt the high...thing. [Mike and Servo both crack up.] Mike: [annoyed] Why didn't they just call this movie The Creeper? Brute Man, pah... Mike: A Producer's Releasing Corporation reminding you, don't fear the creeper. Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell (movie) [Over the title screen] Mike: Hey, where's the umlaut? Servo: Oh, these guys are, like, warriors from Hell! Crow: Well, let's see how long these accents last. [Deathstalker has a very 80's style haircut] Mike: Well, they missed on haircuts by roughly twelve hundred years. [Deathstalker is stick fighting on a log, with a hint of an accent of some sort.] Crow: Let's see how long THESE accents last! [Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is getting ready to attack.] Servo [as Michael McDonald character]: We're taking it to the streets! [Deathstalker gets shot down by a princess after saying something rude to her.] Crow: Well, it looks like I'm boxing the clown again tonight! [A warrior runs at Deathstalker, brandishing his sword wildly.] Servo [as warrior]: Duh-huh, kill! Huh huh...[As he lunges, the warrior gets caught in a trap that leaves him dangling by his leg from a tree.]Crow: Whoa! He set that thing for pheasants; that was lucky! Troxartis: [haltingly, overacting] This has. Nothingtodowith. Being RICH. Servo [as Troxartis]: I put the. Beatsinmyown. Script and I'm. Sticking WITH them.[An eagle flies overhead making a very odd, synthesizer-like squawk.]Crow: You know, it's a lot of things, but it's not a bird sound.[Deathstalker looks up at the eagle strangely.]Servo [as Deathstalker]: I just heard an eagle meow![Deathstalker gets up from Khorsa and Marinda's potatoes-only feast inside their rough house.]Khorsa: You sleep in the barn! Servo [as Deathstalker]: This isn't the barn? Servo [as Khorsa]: [addressing the Warriors from Hell] Excuse me, Mr. Moose? Mike [as the Warriors from Hell]: We're bats, ma'am. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.[The Warriors from Hell burst through the door of Khorsa's cabin.]Crow: [singing] We're the knights of the round table![Deathstalker approaches a horse and throws a shaggy blue-gray object over its back.]Mike: Oh no, he made a saddle out of Grover![Deathstalker sneaks around Troxartis' castle, encountering few obstacles along the way.]Mike: This movie is like playing Doom when there's no monsters or opponents. Deathstalker: ...Now here he is, drinking wine and chasing women. Mike: Spo-dee o-dee. Mike: This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done.[A large mob of people (who have never been seen before this point in in the movie) attack Troxartis' castle; several of them scurry up a ladder over the top of the wall.]Mike [as attacker]: Remember, top rung not to be used as a step! Crow [as attacker]: Who are we?![Deathstalker randomly appears outside the tower window to confront Troxartis.]Mike: What the— Uh? Th— Oh... [as Troxartis] You clever bastard. So the editor's working with you![After the climactic battle, Marinda lies dying in Deathstalker's arms.]Marinda: I love you! Servo: Quick! Jam a potato in the wound! Crow [as Marinda]: You were my first... tuber.[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is comforting him after losing Marinda.]Servo [as Michael McDonald character]: She came from somewhere back in your long ago. Mike [as Deathstalker]: Look, just shut up. Crow [as army]: We're still fighting bravely for our vague goal![That night, Marinda's burial-shrouded body lies near a pyre.]Crow: Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach. . . .[Deathstalker tenderly closes the shroud over Marinda's face.]Servo [as Deathstalker]: [sobbing] Make sure you crimp the foil good... poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode. . . . Mike [as Deathstalker]: [sobbing] Well... I have to say... she was all-righta. Alluding to a famous TV ad from potato company Ore-Ida: Ore-Ida is all-righta![A man gives Deathstalker a sympathetic look after Marinda has died]Mike [as the man]: Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.[Deathstalker leaves the kingdom, and everyone is cheering.]Mike [as a member of the crowd]: He's leaving! Our long national nightmare is over! The Incredible Melting Man [On the SOL, Mike has been hit in the face by a crazy pitch from Servo.]Crow: Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship." Mike: I was born on a pile of... Hey! The Incredible Melting Man (movie) [As Mike and the Bots enter the theater, the logo for American International Pictures (a circle with shapes inside that are supposed to represent the letters "a" and "i" together) appears.]Mike: [chuckling] "Round Guy With Surfboard" International.[Over the movie's title screen]Mike: The George Hamilton Story.[Less than a minute after liftoff, one of the astronauts announces "Saturn clear."]Crow: Boy, they got to Saturn fast! Mike: It's all freeways now. Astronaut: I.M.U., ready to launch. Crow: You are not me, stop saying that![Dr. Ted Nelson tells his coworker Dr. Loring about his wife's pregnancy.]Loring: How many weeks is she? Ted Nelson: Fourteen. Servo [as Loring]: A little young to be pregnant, isn't she? . . .[The entire building is empty except for Nelson and Loring]Servo [as Loring]: So when do you think the people who work here are coming back?[Dr. Nelson is in his office with the African-American Dr. Loring, and is on the phone with General Perry.]General Perry: How's it looking? Ted Nelson: Not too good. Servo [as Nelson]: [whispering] There's a black guy in my office! . . .[Dr. Nelson asks General Perry when he expects to arrive.]General Perry: About 1600 hours... and I hope to hell you've found him by then. Mike: 1600 hours? So, like five months from now?[Ted Nelson is making soup, and grabs the hot part of the pot by mistake.]Ted Nelson: AADGKA!Servo: Ah, aadgka, of course.[Judy is preparing Ted's soup.]Servo [as Ted]: [sulkily] General wants to go find the aadgjka melting man. Ted Nelson: Steve escaped. Judy Nelson: Oh God. Mike [as Judy]: Aadgka? Judy Nelson: What're you gonna do? Crow [as Ted]: Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.Both actors in this scene are exceptionally skinny. Ted Nelson: Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers. Judy Nelson: Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something... Servo [as Judy]: [annoyed with herself] Aadgka. Judy Nelson: Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too.[She brings over his soup.]Mike: Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors.[Crow laughs over Judy asking about Steve.]Ted Nelson: [ignoring the question] So, we don't have any crackers? Judy Nelson: Ted. Steve? Crow: Raging Bull. Ted Nelson: Steve? Servo [as Ted]: Steve had crackers! Ted Nelson: I've got to go out and find Steve. Judy Nelson: Why you? Ted Nelson: Because nobody else is supposed to know. Crow [as Ted]: Rye crisps, Sociables, anything?![General Perry is helping himself to the Nelsons' leftovers in their kitchen.]Mike: This man is a brilliant tactician.[The movie keeps cutting back to Judy asleep in her bed.]Mike: Couldn't they just put "ibid." up on the screen? Mike: You guys know, is there a credible melting man? Ted Nelson: DON'T SHOOT, I'M DR. TED NELSON![The security guard shoots Ted on the spot.]Crow: [as the melting man] Whoa! Not Ted Nelson! No relation to Ted Nelson here![All the principal characters are dead or a melted pile of glop, but the film continues nonetheless.]Servo: What could there possibly be to wrap up? Everybody's dead! Mike: Well now the movie has to mop up after itself.[A black janitor puts Steve West's melted remains into a garbage can.] Servo: [as janitor] I'll never understand white people... . . . Crow: [almost cracking up] So, how many monster movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can?[At the film's end, another rocket launches into space.]Mike: So, they learned nothing. Servo: Yep. Crow: Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care. Servo: I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snorkel jacket. Mike: [reading the credit for Burr DeBenning] I learned never to name a child "Burr". Crow: Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha... Mike: Very good. Crow: I kill me. Servo: Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard. Mike: I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make very tepid ironic statements. Crow: We learned it's good to have Saltines around your house. Servo: I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics.[Mike notices a credit for Jonathan Demme on the screen.]Mike: Jonathan Demme?! Ah, who cares. Anyway? Servo: Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops. Crow: And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program. Servo: What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You? Mike: Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place. Servo: Good lesson. Crow: Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter. Servo: Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby. Mike: I think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary. Servo: Aadgka! Crow: I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand. Servo: Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days. Mike: And neither are actors. Servo: Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear.[Mike gets up from his seat and stretches.]Crow: Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like Berlin Alexanderplatz. Servo: I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that? Mike: [sitting down] Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s. Crow: I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful. Servo: Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. I did not know that. Mike: We've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything. Crow: Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, people can abuse spirit gum and latex. Mike: Oh, I hear ya. Escape 2000 Escape 2000 (movie) [As the gang enters the theater, the famous Samuel Goldwyn logo appears.]Mike: Hey, why is John Madden signing Samuel Goldwyn's signature? Crow: Samuel Goldwyn, Father of the Constitution.[As the film starts, squads of Stormtrooper-like men roughly drag people out of homes. In the background, a loudspeaker continually blares] Loudspeaker: You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx! [A man is thrown out a window] Mike [as Man]: I forgot my luggage...! Loudspeaker: This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully! [The same man is roughly grabbed and thrown into the street] Crow [as Man]: Okay, you convinced me! Loudspeaker: You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations! [The man, and others like him, are thrown against a wall and collapse, cringing.] Mike: [snickers] Servo: Mmm-hmm. Loudspeaker: Leave the Bronx! Servo [as Loudspeaker]: Even though this is Italy, leave the Bronx! Loudspeaker: I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx! Mike [as Loudspeaker]: You, too, Henry Silva. Loudspeaker: The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition! Crow [as Loudspeaker]: Therefore, we suggest you— All [as Loudspeaker]: Leave the Bronx! Loudspeaker: ...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable... Servo: So leave the Bronx. Mike: Just leave the Bronx. [The loudspeaker fades out as we see a van with a radio antenna.] Servo [as loudspeaker on van]: Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson! . . . Mike: Hey, I had my radio on. I didn't hear... are we supposed to leave the Bronx? Loudspeaker: Isolate area P-6. Crow: And we have a Bingo! Hold your cards, please. [Several jumpsuit-clad stormtroopers run out of building about to be demolished.] Crow [as Trooper]: [terrified] Gary saw a silverfish! Aaaahh! [As a team of stormtroopers raid a building, one stands nearby, next to a sign.] Servo [as Stormtrooper]: Hang on Earl, I gotta read this sign here: "Leave the Bronx". Well, gee. [The Disinfesters, wearing shiny, reflective uniforms, move through a gutted building.] Crow [as Disinfester]: I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's left the Bronx, Ted. Servo: Pretty much. Mike: We gratefully acknowledge the Reynold's Wrap corporation for donating the costumes. [They come across a homeless man] Mike [as Bum]: Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx. [He looks up at the Disinfesters] Crow [as Bum]: I thought it was a suggestion![The troopers close in on him]Servo: When Habitat for Humanity cracks down! Bum: Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave! Disinfester: You should have left earlier. Eliminate! Mike: Wow, the Orkin Men have snapped![A man and a woman are heard yelling at each other in their apartment]Servo: They're rehearsing a David Mamet play in there.[Reporter Moon Grey tries to expose Clark's plot.]Crow: A fascist Italian? Come on!! Moon Grey: [being dragged from a press conference] ...and the GC Corporation sucks![The other reporters whirl around towards President Clark]Mike [as Reporter]: Is that true? Do you suck?[The Bronx's residents are being led into vans marked "Desinfestation Annihilation Squad"]Crow: [chuckles] I think they blew their cover here![Trash escapes from his parents' apartment only to be almost blown up in a stairwell.]Crow [as Trash]: D'oh, the Bronx is something which I should have left![A heavy steel ladder hangs dangerously above an unconscious Trash]Servo: Ah. The ladder of Damocles. Crow: Yeah, so far his greatest adversary is a ladder. President Clark: So... You let them both get away... The girl and that delinquent Trash. Wrangler: [chuckles] I don't think so. They're both... under... [points at random place in Bronx model] ...there! [points somewhere else] ...or maybe there! Servo: ...right there! Wrangler: But somewhere there![Mike and the 'bots laugh.]President Clark: Maybe you intend to go down... to convince them... to waste themselves with some dynamite? Wrangler: [chuckles] I don't think so. Crow: You guys didn't rehearse, did you?[A mine goes off underneath two of President Clark's bodyguards]Mike [as Bodyguard]: Oh what did you step in![Disinfesters jump out of a van.]Servo [as Disinfester]: Hi! Kill us![They get shot.]Servo [as Disinfester]: Thank you![As Trash blows up a van]Mike [as DJ]: Alright, we're here in the KROQ Supervan giving out a— [The van explodes. Crow screams.]Servo [as Trash]: Hey, rats. That was my van![As the film ends, a crane shot shows dozens of bodies sprawled around burning ruins.]Mike: Cleanup in Borough Five! Laserblast Laserblast (movie) [The credits display: "Laserblast".]Crow: Terrible name for laser eye surgery… scares away the customers.[A mutated man tries to hide from a spaceship, with a laser cannon attached to his arm.]Servo [as Elmer Fudd]: I'm hunting spacecwaft...hehehehehehe. . . .[A closeup of the man reveals his gaunt complexion and the disc-shaped apparatus on top of the laser cannon on his arm.]Mike: Edward CDplayerhands.[A pan shot reveals a stop motion alien emerging from a spacecraft.] Mike: Oh great, E.T. calls, we come, and he's not here. [After a scene with the aliens, followed by an unrelated scene with Billy's mother leaving for Acapulco, the film fades to another seemingly unrelated shot of a van driving along the road.] Mike: Well, now on to movie three! [Twenty minutes into the movie, and nothing important has happened. Billy is hanging around a gas station.] Servo: So, let's recap the movie so far: somebody went to Acapulco, and somebody almost bought gas. [Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.] Billy: Pow! Pa-pow! Servo: After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow". Mike: Once you're over the age of 11, you should not say "pow". [Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.] Servo: I think he's doing Frampton Comes Alive. Mike: ...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz. Crow: Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "fffwissshh"! [Billy gleefully blasts away at shrubs and sand with said cannon.] Mike [as Billy]: Yeah... I think you are gonna detail my van for seventy-five dollars! [Kathy sits by Billy's van, waiting for Billy to arrive.] Mike: ...So we're watching someone waiting for someone. Servo: There's a point where it stops being a movie! Kathy: Gee, Billy...if only you were more ordinary. Mike: More ordinary? Man, he'd have to work at that. [A cake is brought out at the pool party, causing an overexcited reaction from the partygoers] Crow: Teens love their cake pool party! [At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini.] Chuck: Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give you his red hot frank. Girl: From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot. Crow [as Chuck]: She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke! . . . [Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.] Mike [as Chuck]: There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo! [Billy's and girlfriend Kathy's hands are shown roving over each other's exposed skin in an intimate moment between the two while Mike and the 'bots express their repulsion.] Crow: This movie means two things to me: sheet cake and back fat! [As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide.] Mike: OK, let's look in Maltin's book, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, My Favorite Year barely edges it out with three stars. Crow: Huh. Servo: Look here, Hannah and her Sisters is superior only by one star. Mike: Oh wow. Crow: [watching the film] Oh great, now a tire fire starts just off camera![Servo coughs. Mike turns a page.]Mike: OK. Umm, ah, look, hey—Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to My Dinner With Andre. Crow: Uhh— Servo: [disgusted] Name of the Rose... this is a better film than Name of the Rose! It only got two stars! Crow: Being There, two stars. Mike: Uh, Lucas Tanner the movie was directed by Richard Donner... I just thought I'd point that out. Servo: Oh. Good. Mike: Lemme see here... Crow: [reading the credits] Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that Ron Masak and Eddie Deezen get billing over Roddy McDowall? Servo: Look Mike, Birdman of Alcatraz, three stars. Marginally better than Laserblast. Crow: [still reading the credits] They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong... Servo: [leaning in] What else you got? Mike: Oh, here we go, Full Metal Jacket, three stars. Crow: Hm? Servo: Shame, isn't it. Mike: Oh, hey, Seven Samurai, two stars. Crow: [incredulous] What?!Mike: I'm kidding. Crow: Oh. Servo: I hope so. Mike: According to this, A Fish Called Wanda was as good a film as Laserblast. Crow: [dismissive] D'oh... Servo: Broadcast News, Witness, three stars—barely superior to Laserblast. Mike: Mm-hm. Crow: Same for Diner. Mike: Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go—this was a better movie than Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Crow: Well, that's possible... Servo: And the same caliber as Last Crusade—two-and-a-half stars. Mike: Oh. And, uh, and yet: Blame It On the Bellboy... four stars. Servo: [unbelieving] Where?Crow: [incredulous] What? Mike: No, I'm kidding. Servo: Oh, you... You... jeez... Mike: So, Kim Milford's greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as F. Murray Abraham's tortured performance as Salieri in Amadeus. Crow: According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike. Servo: Bagdad Café, brilliant subtle comedy—no better than Laserblast. Mike: Here's where it gets hard—Harry and the Hendersons is every bit as good as Laserblast. Crow: Carson McCullers' classic The Heart is a Lonely Hunter—no better than Laserblast.[Servo notices Mike is hiding something and tries to read it.]Mike: [reluctant] No, no— Servo: Uhp, John Schlesinger's Oscar-winning thriller Marathon Man—on par with Laserblast, two-and-a-half stars. Mike: Right, so Laurence Olivier's chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, no better than the butt-faced sheriff in Laserblast. Crow: Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike. Mike: OK, ah— Servo: Ah, look here, look here, Outlaw Josey Wales AND Unforgiven! Oscar-winner. Quintessential Westerns, Eastwood at his finest. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike. Mike: Uh, yeah... Servo, Mike: Same as Laserblast— Servo: Two-and-a-half stars. Mike: Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. Sophie's Choice— Servo: Uh huh. Mike: Uh... here's one, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory— Servo: No! Mike: The Great Santini— Servo: Oh, I can't believe that! Mike: All two-and-a-half stars. Servo: Two-and-a-half stars. Mike: The same quality. Crow: Also known as "Ace", by the way. Mike: Yes, "Ace". Servo: [as they leave] Peers to Laserblast''.