Fallout (TV series)

thumb|A nuclear event would be a tragedy, but also an opportunity. Perhaps the greatest opportunity in history, because when we are the only ones left, there will be no one left to fight. A true monopoly. This is our chance to make war obsolete, because in our current societal configuration, which took shape without intentional guidance, we have friction, we have conflict, and we have war. And war, well... war never changes. Fallout (2024-present) is an American television science fiction dystopian drama series, airing on Amazon Prime Video about a post-apocalyptic Los Angeles brought about by global nuclear decimation, citizens must live in underground bunkers to protect themselves from radiation, mutants and bandits, based on the computer role playing game franchise Fallout. thumb|Listen to me, Hollywood is the past. Forget Hollywood. The future, my friend, is products. You're a product. I'm a product. The end of the world is a product. And for those of us who can successfully embrace that, I'd say the future is golden. thumb|"In my experience, the apple tends not to fall too far from the tree. Is that true in your case?""My daddy ain’t no coward.""Well, then I guess the only question is... are you?" thumb|Golden Rule, motherfucker. Season 1 "The End" [1.01] thumb|”Well, back when I was in the Marines, they taught us that if they ever drop a really big bomb, told us to hold up your thumb just like this. And if the cloud is smaller than your thumb, well, you run for the hills.” “And if it’s bigger than your thumb?” “They told us not to bother running.” Cooper: All right, birthday boy. Let’s get a photo of you up here on Sugarfoot. [Hoists boy up on horse] Frank: [To Bob] Why the hell is Cooper Howard working kids’ birthday parties? Bob: [To Frank] What else? Alimony. [Chuckles] Janey: What’d they say, Dad? Cooper: That I’m lucky to have such a good helper like you. Bob: [Motioning for a photo opportunity] Aw, Coop, Coop, Coop. Do your thumbs-up. Cooper: Yeah, you know, given the state of everything, I’d prefer not to, if that’s all right. Bob: Why not? It’s what you’re famous for. Bob's wife: Yeah. Drop it, Bob. Cooper: We gotta... we got to get this rodeo on the road. TV Meteorologist: Hal, I can’t... I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I can’t do the weather if I don’t even know if there’s gonna be a next week. Bob's wife: [Changes TV channel] Only thinking happy thoughts today. TV announcer: Sugar Bombs presents Grognak the Barbarian and the Ruby Ruins. Cooper: I think that’s everything. [Sighs] Janey: Why wouldn’t you do it? The thumbs-up. Cooper: Oh, it’s, uh... that’s grown-up stuff. [Smacks lips] Well, back when I was in the Marines, they taught us that if they ever drop a really big bomb, told us to hold up your thumb just like this. And if the cloud is smaller than your thumb, well, you run for the hills. Janey: And if it’s bigger than your thumb? Cooper: They told us not to bother running. Janey: Do you think it’s gonna happen? Cooper: I certainly hope not. But us cowpokes, we take it as it comes, right? Janey: Can I have a slice, Dad? Cooper: You know what? Let me see if I can’t rustle you up a piece. All right, one piece of cake coming up for my favorite cowgirl. ... [A nuclear bomb is set off in downtown Los Angeles in the distance] Janey: Is it your thumb or mine? Cooper: That’s smoke, Janey. It’s just a fire. ... Frank: [To Bob going in cellar] Let us in with you. Bob: No room. Back off. [Punches Frank in face] Lucy: My name is Lucy MacLean, and I’m an active contributor to the wellbeing of my community. Repair Skills. I enjoy participating in the Young Pipefitter’s Association, which keeps me active. Science Skills. Obviously, mine are nothing compared to my dad’s, but I always relish a challenge. Speech Skills. My primary passion is teaching American History, with a focus on ethics. I also participate in Gymnastics Club, Fencing Team C... Intermediate Phys Ed... and I dabble in Riflery. Though I’m not very good. In my personal time, I enjoy taking walks and watching movies with my dad, gardening… also with my dad... and participating in my family book club. We’re still trying to get my brother on board. He’ll come around when he’s ready. My reproductive organs are intact. My hygiene well maintained, and yet, I have been unable to find a suitable marriage partner. At least one I’m not related to. And we have rules about that for a reason. So, it is with sound mind and body that I hereby submit my application to the council to participate in the Triennial Trade with Vault 32. Lucy: [To Chet before opening the door to Vault 32 to meet her future husband] Chet, what’s going on? Chet: Lucy, I love you. Lucy: We all know that, Chet. Messing around with your cousin, it’s all well and good for kids, but it’s not sustainable for long-term sexual practice, you know? The Ghoul: [To bounty hunters right after being unearthed from grave] Well, well, well. Why, is this an Amish production of The Count of Monte Cristo... or the weirdest circle jerk I’ve ever been invited to? Honcho: A feral ghoul can't abide a chicken. If he goes for her, we kill him. "The Target" [1.02] thumb|You are a vault dweller, but if you're going to survive, you need to start acting like a surface dweller. Question is, will you still want the same things when you have become a different animal altogether? Dr. Wilzig: You are a vault dweller, but if you're going to survive, you need to start acting like a surface dweller. Question is, will you still want the same things when you have become a different animal altogether? Chicken collector: [To Maximus after Maximus saved him from a farmer] You, sir, are a scholar and a gentleman. You should be commended. Farmer: [To Maximus] I’m sorry, okay? Don’t- don’t murder me. It’s just... The guy was fucking my chickens. [Maximus pauses awkwardly] Maximus: Okay. On your way, citizen. Ghoul: [After Lucy shot him with a tranquilizer gun] Well, now, that is a very small drop in a very, very large bucket of drugs. Dr. Wilzig: [To Lucy after taking a cyanide pill] Vault-Tec Plan D. It was the most humane product that Vault-Tec ever made. It was quick, painless. T-Tasted like banana. I- I was surprised it wasn’t more popular. Cooper Howard: Well, I'd say come up here and get me, but it's hard to walk upstairs when you're wearing a 12 piece cast-iron skillet set. "The Head" [1.03] thumb|The Wasteland’s got its own golden rule… thou shalt get sidetracked by bullshit every goddamn time. Ghoul: You know, there was a time when they did studies on all kinds of things. Hell, you couldn't open a newspaper without readin' some kind of survey or another. Well, one of them things they studied was whether torturin' somebody actually gets anything useful. You don't need no studies to know that. You don't learn anything from torturing somebody. Lucy: Then-why are you doing this? Ghoul: Well, I'm not torturing you, sweetheart. I'm usin' you as bait. [Kicks Lucy back into the lake] Lucy: [To Ghoul] You can’t treat people like this. Ghoul: Yeah? Why’s that? Lucy: Because of the golden rule. “Do unto others as you would have done unto you.” Ghoul: Yeah, well, the Wasteland’s got its own golden rule. Lucy: Oh? What’s that? Ghoul: Thou shalt get sidetracked by bullshit every goddamn time. "The Ghouls" [1.04] thumb|…it ain’t all canned peaches and marmalade left up here, sweetheart. Sometimes a fella’s got to eat a fella. Roger: [Repeatedly] My name is Roger. The Ghoul: Hey, Rog. Roger: [Laughs] Hey. Hey. Fancy seeing you out here. You out for that bounty, too, huh? The Ghoul: Yep. [Roger snarls and wails] Oh, shit. How you feeling? Roger: Oh... you know... it’s hard out here. Dang smoothies can be so unkind. [Pants] I see you got a smoothie of your own. [Snarls] The Ghoul: You’re turning. Roger: [Grunts] Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. [Chuckles] Hey, you- you don’t happen to have any vials, do you? [Sniffles] Just one little puff and I’ll be back on my feet. You know I’m good for it. The Ghoul: I’m sorry, Roger. I’m all out. Roger: That’s okay. That’s okay. Though, um, you and your smooth-faced friend, you, um... might want to clear out... before things get ugly. [Snarls] I did okay. Twenty-eight years since I first started showing. [Yells] Oh, hell. [Grunts] Not as long as you, though. You’ve outlasted us all. How long since you first started wastelanding? The Ghoul: A long time. Roger: That’s a lot of vials. The Ghoul: Well, I’ve always been good at making money, Roger. [Exhales] Say...you remember how good food used to taste? Roger: Yeah...BlamCo Mac & Cheese! The Ghoul: Ice cream and apple pie! Roger: Apple pie! [Laughs] Hot damn. Apple pie. You know, my mom used to — [The Ghoul shoots Roger in the head] Lucy: Wait... why’d you do that?! He was sick! [The Ghoul flips Roger's body over, reaches for orthodontics tools and pulls out a tooth from Roger] Stop! Stop, stop! Please! I... No, I know it’s hard up here, but you don’t... you don’t have... you don’t have to resort to... to... The Ghoul: What’d you say your name was? Lucy: Lucy MacLean. The Ghoul: MacLean? Huh. Well, Lucy MacLean, it ain’t all canned peaches and marmalade left up here, sweetheart. Sometimes a fella’s got to eat a fella. Lucy: You know, my vault has endured hardship, too. In the Great Plague of ’77, everyone had to quarantine, they couldn’t work the farms together. People starved. My mother included. My dad dropped to 128 pounds, and he still refused to do anything like this. [The Ghoul laughs] What? What’s so funny? The Ghoul: Well, there’s what people say they did and what they really did. I’ll bet your daddy was first in line at the cookout. I bet he had a bib with a drawing of his neighbor’s ass on there. Lucy: How do you live like this?! Why keep going?! The Ghoul: Well, one good question deserves another. Why the fuck am I doing all the work? Now come on, Vaultie. Ass jerky don't make itself. Betty: There you are. Thought you might be up here. Made pie if you’d like a piece. I was there the first time that you tried rhubarb pie and ice cream. You sure did like pie that day. Reg: You came here to talk to me about what I said at the assembly. Betty: And why do you think that is? Reg: It upset people. Betty: You don’t like it when people get upset. Reg: But you do? Betty: You’re not the only one that feels the absence of your father. People here are hurting. Disoriented. And with your sister gone, you’re the last standing MacLean. Your voice carries more weight than you might realize. Reg: I hid. During the raid, I got in a storage space and I hid. Betty: Does that make you angry? Reg: Why does it matter? Betty: Regular boys... can get angry and they’ll just pee on the wall. When clever boys like you are angry... Hmm. You’re lucky not to have seen where that can lead. Just tread lightly. That’s all I ask. The Ghoul: [Lucy dives into rain bucket drinking up] Now you’re getting it. How does that Golden Rule jibe with what’s going through your head right now? Luc: What are you? The Ghoul: Oh, I’m you, sweetie. You just give it a little time. [Lucy runs away with The Ghoul] Where you think you going? You ain’t going nowhere. There you are, you little killer. Lucy: [The Ghoul cuts off her right hand index finger] Aah! The Ghoul: Now, that right there is the closest thing we’ve had to an honest exchange so far. The Ghoul: [Speaking into intercom] Transaction. Attendant: Yes? The Ghoul: Two-month supply of vials. Exchange one female. Mint condition. [Turns off intercom, glances at Lucy, then turns on intercom] Near mint condition. Attendant: Condition grading requires physical evaluation. Please send her in. Lucy: What’s in there? The Ghoul: You’re about to find out. Lucy: You’re selling me? The Ghoul: You got problems out here, too, sweetheart. Best you try your luck behind that door. Go on. Snip-Snip: Welcome. Lucy: What the fudge? Snip-Snip: Fudge? There’s no fudge here. Only a General Atomics International Mark 4. That’s what I am. You seem to be a woman. Lucy: Please, sir, my name is Lucy MacLean. My dad’s been taken and I- I- I’ve been kidnapped. [Stammers] He’s right outside. Snip-Snip: I say, you’ve lost a finger. Ah, that won’t do at all. Let’s get you taken care of. Follow me. Okay. Apologies for the mess. Time flies by lately. Especially since my temporal sensors went out in the Great War. That must have been a week ago, at least. Would you mind taking a seat on that gurney in front of you? Now, what have we here? [Opens drawer to select severed fingers] Too fat, too withered. Ah, this one’ll do it. Eh, you’re lucky I don’t have to use a thumb. Our finger inventory’s in a sorry state. Now, if you give me your hand... Okay, you’re going to feel a slight pinch. [Sews finger onto her hand] Lucy: Thank you. Snip-Snip: I say. Lucy: I really do appreciate this. But listen, a big fish ate my head, and I need my head to get back to my dad... Snip-Snip: There now. That’s much better, isn’t it? Lucy: Thank you, that… Not a problem. That feels really, really nice. Snip-Snip: Now, would you prefer a dressing of high-quality synthetic fibers, classic cotton, or a comforting synthetic-cotton blend? Lucy: You have... real cotton? Snip-Snip: Of course. Don’t you? Lucy: [Sighs softly] Thank you. You know, that... that creature that brought me here, he... Snip-Snip: You seem unhappy. Lucy: He did not treat me very courteously. Snip-Snip: Really? Lucy: When I pointed out that he wasn’t following the Golden Rule, he put a leash around my neck and he made me drink from puddle water that I’m pretty sure was just some kind of animal pee. Snip-Snip: Well, that is interesting. Lucy: And I thought I was here to be a sex slave. Snip-Snip: What?! No! What a disgusting idea! [Chuckles] I’m simply going to harvest your organs. Lucy: Huh? [Snip-Snip shoots Lucy with a tranquilizer dart, knocking her out] Snip Snip: [Wheeling Lucy past the two dopehead supervisors on couch watching TV] Pardon the interruption. Our latest arrival has arrived. Squirrel: Oh, shit. What are they asking, Snip Snip? Snip Snip: Sixty vials. Squirrel: [Looks into box] We can do 60. Snip Snip: Fantastic. Squirrel: Oh, do her now so she’s ready for the next pickup. Snip Snip: Excellent idea as always, sir. Squirrel: Thanks, Snip Snip. Snip Snip: Do excuse me. Squirrel: Nice robot. ... Snip Snip: [Wheeling Lucy] Where are you from again? [Lucy groans] Never been there myself. Hope to go there someday soon. Here we are. Let’s get on with it, shall we? We don’t want to keep your associate waiting. Lucy: Sir, you can’t do this. Please, I need my organs. Snip Snip: Now, don’t be afraid. A little snip-snip and it will all be over. Hold still now. This won’t hurt a bit. Excuse me. [Lucy kicks Snip-Snip's saw and then uses defribrillation paddles to shock Snip-Snip with it emitting garbled, overlapping phrases] There’s no fudge here. I am ever-ready to serve... to serve... to serve. [Appears to Squirrel and Huey watching TV with Snip-Snip] Do what I say and Snip-Snip doesn't get hurt! [Squirrel and Huey stare blankly at Lucy] Squirrel: ...It's a fuckin' robot. Huey: Yeah, you might as well be holding an air conditioner hostage. Squirrel: Well, an air conditioner would be a big deal, but you know what I mean. Huey: Totally. The question was, does she know what you mean? Lucy: Yeah. I think I do. That’s why I put Abraxo Draining Fluid in his syringes. Snip Snip, tell them what Abraxo does to the human body. Snip Snip: If you’ve got a c- c- clog that’s full of muck, trust Abraxo Draining Fluid t- t- to get it unstuck. It’s v- v- very poisonous. Squirrel: Okay, you can walk out of here. Lucy: Not just me. Them, too. [Squirrel presses button and row of cages open freeing Ghouls] Ghoul: Hey, thank you. Lucy: I said all of them. Squirrel: Lady, those-those ones, you don’t understand... [Lucy fires dart in between Squirrel and Huey] Whoa. [Squirrel presses button and another row of cages open] Lucy: Don’t be scared. You’re free. Go. [Latter freed Ghouls attack Squirrel and Huey killing them] Lucy: I may end up looking like you, but I will never be like you. [Sets a handful of vials next to the Ghoul] Golden rule, motherfucker. "The Past" [1.05] thumb|We’re in the best place in the world. We’re in a vault. Thaddeus: I thought I had it. I thought I had it, I really did. I thought I had it. It was just like… [Mimics whooshing with Maximus laughing] When you ripped that thing inside out and its guts went flying everywhere? I thought I was dead meat. That was really special. Maximus: [Distortedly] Yeah, it was kind of special. Thaddeus: Wait. You should brand me. Maximus: Uh, I don’t know. Thaddeus: But I- I’m not officially your squire until you brand me. Maximus: It’s late. Thaddeus: Come on. Maximus: Are you sure? It really hurts. Thaddeus: I want you to. I want you to. Please. Maximus: All right. Yeah, let’s do it. Thaddeus: It is your most sacred duty to protect the Brotherhood. After which, it is your most sacred duty to protect me, Knight Titus. Do you accept? Maximus: Oh, yeah. You bet I do. [Chuckles] Okay, hold still. [Sears Thaddeus's back with hot metal who screams and Maximus chuckles] Almost done. Thaddeus: Oh... [Wails and grunts] Maximus: Told you. It hurts. Thaddeus: [Laughs] Oh... Oh, man. [groans] Still pretty hot. Ah, thank you, Knight Titus. Maximus: Yep, yeah. Thaddeus: I cannot wait to return to base and see the look on everyone’s faces when they see us return with the target. Oh, man. Titus and Thaddeus. The T-Boys! Yeah. [Exhales] Thaddeus: Hey, look, uh... before we go back to the... [chuckles] to the base... there’s probably something I... I- I should tell you. Thaddeus: Yeah. I mean, whatever you want. I’m officially your squire now. You can tell me anything. Goals, insecurities, thoughts, regrets. Love life stuff? I don’t care. Maximus: Actually, it’s, uh... [lifts visor] Maximus. Thaddeus: Uh- Uh, we can still be friends. Thaddeus: What did you do? Where’s Knight Titus? Maximus: Oh, he’s... he’s dead. So, you know... we... you and I, we- we just have to get our story straight before we go back. Thaddeus: They’re gonna kill you. Maximus: No, I mean, they don’t have to find out. Thaddeus: It’s the Brotherhood! They’ll find out! I should have known better than to trust you! Maximus: I’m sorry. [Steps on Thaddeus's foot to restrain him] Stop moving! Thaddeus: [Grunts] Get off me! [takes the fusion core, shutting down Maximus' power armor] Maximus: Thadd... Thaddeus. No, don’t.. Don’t leave me in here. I’ll fucking kill you, Thaddeus! Thaddeus: You should have! Can’t believe I let you fucking brand me! Maximus: Thaddeus?! Don’t leave me here! Thaddeus: [Grabs Siggi Wilzig's head] This stinky old head’s mine now! [Walks away with duffel bag] Maximus: No! Get back here. Please. Please, please, no. Don’t leave me in here. Thaddeus! Get back here. Thaddeus! I’ll kill you! I swear I’ll kill you! Maximus: [After Lucy eradicates mutant cockroaches off his suit] Hey. Can you please let me out of here? Lucy: [Gasps] That was you, right? Back in Filly? Maximus: Yes, that was... that was me. Lucy: Why can’t you move? Maximus: ‘Cause someone stole my fusion core. Please, c- can you please let me out? Lucy: Believe me, I really want to trust you, but... I’ve had a rough week. Maximus: Yeah. Me, too. Lucy: You, uh, remember that, uh, man I left with, with the glasses and the wh-whole body? Maximus: Yes. Lucy: Yeah, I’m looking for his head. That’s why I’m here, that’s, um... I mean, that’s why I’m passing through. [Grunts] Maximus: Hey. You have radiation sickness. I got, I got RadAway left in the sleeve of my armor. You can have it if you let me out. [panting] Lucy: I really want to believe you, but... practically every person I’ve met up here has tried to kill me, so... Maximus: Listen. Hey. You don’t get this medicine, you’re gonna pass out. Okay? And if you lose consciousness, we’re both gonna die. Trust me, please. Lucy: Please. What’s your name? Maximus: I’m Knight Titus. Lucy: I’m Lucy. Maximus: There’s a manual option, you just... Lucy: I got it. [Observing Maximus's mobile battle suit] The T-60, right? The Army started using these after the Battle of Anchorage. I’ve seen these in old engineering manuals but never in real life. And you’ve even got the tempered lining in this one, which is... [Lucy passes out with Maximus catching her] Davey: [Turns to see Reg in a voting booth line up] I’m sorry, Reg. I just feel that in times of crisis... you need someone with experience. Reg: Hey, it’s your vote. No hard feelings, Davey. Davey: Yeah. [Turns around then back again] You know, with the water crisis and the prisoners a- and just all the uncertainty... Reg: Really, it’s fine. We vote in private booths for a reason. Davey: Right. [Turns around then back again pointing with voter card] And Betty’s already been overseer once. Reg: Mm. [Motions to Davey for his turn at voting booth] Oh. Davey: I’m gonna vote for Betty. Reg: I got that impression. Lucy: [Walking along train tracks] At this rate, we’ll have caught up by sundown. Hey, can I ask you a favor? Maximus: Okay. Lucy: Can you tell me what’s happened in the last 200 years? Maximus: What do you mean? Lucy: Just the last 200 years. Like a- a quick rundown. I know about the Great War and the bombs falling, and the 320 years of American history before then. I just need help with the last 200 years. After the bombs fell. Maximus: The bombs fell when I was a kid. Lucy: Is that what they tell you in your Brotherhood? Maximus: You’re the one who grew up in a box underground. Also, you thought you would show up to some warlord with no armor, no help, and expect him to just turn over a hostage to you? Did you really think that that would work? Lucy: I had the head. Maximus: Yeah, but we don’t even know what’s in it. Lucy: That’s true. Look, I... I come from a place where the world is what you make of it. Okay? It’s not like up here. We’re naive down there. Up until I was six, I really thought that the big light on our farm was the sun. My mom used to take me to play out under that light, and I swear I could feel the sun baking my skin. After my mom was gone, I realized it was just her that made it all feel so real. So, like, Earth is round, Earth is flat. Where are you guys on that these days? So, you guys use prewar technology to find and collect prewar technology to make sure no one has prewar technology? Maximus: I mean... [chuckles] yeah. Lucy: Well, when you say it like that, I mean, yeah, it’s... [Maximus spots a couple walking onwards on train track and Lucy laughs] it’s weird. [Lucy realizes what Maximus is staring at] Javin: You armed? Maximus: No. Lucy: Yes, we are. Are you armed? Javin: No. Lucy: We’re just gonna walk on by. That okay with you? Javin: It’s fine. Maximus: [Quietly] Give me your gun. Lucy: What? No. Rink; Okay, we’re walking towards you. Lucy: There’s no one here but us and them. Maximus: It’s not safe. Give me your gun. Lucy: They said they’re not armed. Maximus: They’re lying. You’re lying. Javin: What’s happening over there? Lucy: Yeah, we’re just being careful. You can come on through. Rink: Are you trying to fuck us? Maximus: [Quietly] The gun. Lucy: Okay, uh, I think we’re all feeling some tension. Yeah? A little stress? [nervous chuckle] Uh, so why don’t we all take a deep breath? [Nervously chuckles] Javin: What the fuck are you talking about?! Lucy: [Deeply exhales] Oh, okay, uh... we’re gonna do this. Um... How about on the count of three we all raise up our arms? Javin: We already said we don’t have any weapons. Maximus: And neither do we! Lucy: Well, either way, could we... could we just give it a try? Please? Okay. Great. Uh, hands up on the count of three. Ready? One... Two... Three. [The couple attempts to shoot them with Maximus grabbing Lucy's gun finishing off both of them] Wh- Why?! Maximus: [Lifts up their jackets to find knives] Fiends. Should’ve known. Lucy: [Panting] You’ve been shot. Maximus: It’s just a scratch. Happens all the time. Lucy: What’s a fiend? Maximus: It’s people who eat people. Lucy: ...I hate it up here. Maximus: Where are we? Lucy: It’s okay. We’ll be all right. Maximus: What is this place? Lucy: We’re in the best place in the world. We’re in a vault. "The Trap" [1.06] Lucy: [To The Ghoul] I may end up looking like you... but I'll never be like you. Golden Rule, motherfucker. Maximus: [To Lucy] You smell good. Lucy: What? Oh. You want to have sex? Maximus: You mean; use my cock? Lucy: Yeah. Maximus: I don’t know. Uh, that weird thing could happen. Lucy: What weird thing? Maximus: Well, it’s just, for some guys... not me... uh, but for some guys, you know, when they make it move, it gets all big and hard like a big pimple and then it pops. And they say it can happen to anybody, but it’s still, it’s... it’s gross. Lucy: You know, that’s... uh, that’s actually completely normal. It happens all the time. Every time, ideally. Maximus: I’m a knight. Um, a knight of the Brotherhood. We’re- we’re not supposed to. Lucy: Okey-dokey. Sorrel Booker: Well, shit. The Ghoul: Why, Sorrel Booker. [Both laughs] Sorrel Booker: I heard it was a ghoul that fucked up that Super Duper Mart. Nobody told me it was The Ghoul. The Ghoul: Mm. Mm. Sorrel Booker: You boys know who you just brought in? This sumbitch right here used to be the best bounty hunter to ever shoot a man in the ass. The Ghoul: Kids these days don’t know their goddamn history. Say, you got a needle and thread? Sheriff: [Scoffs] Sorry, we don’t do a lot of knitting ’round here. The Ghoul: It’s called sewing. I think I got some in my bag. [Grunts softly] Would you mind? Aw, come on now, Sorrel, we old friends, ain’t we? Sorrel Booker: Look at you. 200 years. I don’t know what keeps you going. Maybe you just like the feeling of that good old California sunshine on your wrinkly-ass face. Or maybe you’re still looking for her The Ghoul: Well, Sorrel... I can confidently cross one reason off that list for you. I sure as hell ain’t still alive so that I can have unintelligent conversations with dipshits like yourself. Sheriff Troy: Mind your fucking mouth. That’s the President of the government you’re talking to. The Ghoul: Oh.. you a president now? Sorrel Booker: Don’t see why not. The Ghoul: Well, then you might want to hire a publicist. ‘Cause this is the first I’m hearing about this outfit. Now, what I am hearing is a whole lot of chatter about some woman. Name of Moldaver. They call her the Flame Mother. Now, that bitch is dangerous. Sorrel Booker: Well, when it comes to leadership these days, dangerous is what they call a prerequisite. Somebody’s got to step up and bring some order around here. You know why these boys brought you in? The Ghoul: ‘Cause I fucked up a poor, defenseless gang-affiliated organ dealership? Sorrel Booker: Yep. The Ghoul: Mm. Sorrel Booker: Now, I’ve always liked you. The Ghoul: Well, ain’t that sweet? Sorrel Booker: But that Super Duper Mart you gutted was under our protection. So, if I wanted to let you go scot-free, folks might lose faith about what we’re trying to do here. And then what? The Ghoul: Anarchy in the streets. Sorrel Booker: Exactly. Now, you got anything to say in your defense? The Ghoul: Guilty as charged. Just like that. Now, if you need any more evidence, I can tell you about this town I just shot up, Filly. Oh, I must have killed nine or ten people. Sheriff Troy: My daddy lives in Filly. The Ghoul: Well, not no more he don’t, unless he’s a coward. [Sheriff raises his rifle at The Ghoul] Sorrel Booker: Don’t take the bait, son. The Ghoul: Well, I ain’t fishing. I’m just trying to game this out, now. In my experience, the apple tends not to fall too far from the tree. Is that true in your case? Sheriff Troy: My daddy ain’t no coward. The Ghoul: Well, then I guess the only question is... are you? Sorrel Booker: Sheriff Rex. Take Sheriff Troy’s guns away. [Rex complies] The Ghoul: Very presidential of you. Sorrel Booker: Take him out back and feed him to the hogs. [The Ghoul grunts as Sheriff Rex manhandles him out of his chair who headbutts Troy and uses Rex's gun to shoot Troy and then liberally shoots both sheriffs] Sorrel Booker: Goddamn it! The Ghoul: I got one question for you, ol’ buddy. Why... do you have this picture on your wall? Sorrel Booker: That’s Moldaver. Why? The Ghoul: Well, that’s not how I remember her, is all. Sorrel Booker: Yeah? Well, how do you remember her? Lucy: Titus?! We need to talk... Titus: Yes. Lucy: You were right about this place. Titus: No. You were right. Check this out. These are called oysters. You want one? They make you feel so good. You want to make my cock explode now? Lucy: What? Titus: Sorry, intercourse? Lucy: No, Titus. No, we need to leave. Right now. These people are insane. Titus: Yeah, they’re like you. A little weird, but nice. Lucy: No. Titus: Plus, my arm. You know, I really... I ought to give it a little more time. Lucy: Okay. Titus, look, I get why you’d want to stay. Okay? I really do, I… I know this must all seem really nice compared to the-the shoot show that’s up there. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to go back on our deal and- and just be somewhere that is good and safe. But this isn’t it. Titus: They gave me a robe. Lucy: I know. Titus: And slippers. Lucy: These people are hiding something from us and I’m gonna prove it to you, okay? I’m not leaving without you. Cooper Howard: [Sneaks up and hugs Barb from behind] Barb Howard: Ooh! Cooper Howard: Mmm. Barb Howard: I’m at work. Cooper Howard: Oh, how ’bout we clock out? Barb Howard: [Chuckles] Oh. Cooper Howard: Huh? Nothing against these colleagues of yours, but what do you say you and me knock back a couple of piña coladas by the pool, listen to the hi-fi. Barb Howard: Mm. There is a wrap party. Cooper Howard: What, a... a wrap party? For this? Barb Howard: Yes. Cooper Howard: [Sighs] All right. We go for a couple of hours, we shake a few hands… Barb Howard: It’s at our house. Cooper Howard: [Sighs] The things I’m willing to do for you never cease to amaze me. Barb Howard: Mm. Cooper Howard: [To dog] Roosevelt, I’m sorry. You can’t come, buddy. I’m heading into enemy territory. [Whispers] You be a good dog. Go to bed. Waitress: Would you mind, you know, doing the butler voice? From the show? Sebastian Leslie: All right. I only do it for close friends and beautiful women, but you two are already halfway there. Waitresses: [Laughs] Stop it. Sebastian Leslie: “I, Bartholomew Codsworth, am ever ready to serve.” [Sebastian laughs] Perhaps when you finish your shift, we could head up and party in the hot tub. What do you think of that? Waitresses: Oh, no, no. No, thank you. Sebastian Leslie: No? [Mutters] Okay. All right. Excuse me. Your wine. Cooper Howard: Well, shit, Seabass. You might be the only one of my invites who actually showed up. Sebastian Leslie: [Laughs] Yeah. Fucking Hollywood Reds. I’m telling you, radicalism is sweeping through Hollywood like a bad case of the clap. Not our usual scene, I’ll give you that. Cooper Howard: No, it is not. I think our Hollywood actor friends don’t want to be seen celebrating with the pitchman for the end of the world. Sebastian Leslie: Oh, you don’t know the half of it. You hear I lost a movie over these ads? Yeah, showed up to set, the actors wouldn’t come out of their trailers. Bonnie Lewis said it was on moral grounds. Cooper Howard: Bonnie Lewis? Sebastian Leslie: She’s done more ads than a fucking billboard. Cooper Howard: Yeah. Sebastian Leslie: Fucking Hollywood Reds. I’m telling you, radicalism is sweeping through Hollywood like a bad case of the clap. Even got your friend, Charlie Whiteknife. Cooper Howard: Are you kidding me? Charlie? I served with that guy. Sebastian Leslie: They have meetings and everything. It’s a shit show. But you, my friend, you know which way the wind is blowing. Cooper Howard: And it’s that... a world run by people who wear pocket protectors to a pool party. Nerd: ...about delivery platforms. Sebastian Leslie: Yeah, you might be right about that. I mean, I’ve dipped my bits in the same gravy train. Sold my vocal rights to that spinning robot they sell to housewives and perverts. Guess how much they paid me for that. Cooper Howard: Ten million? Sebastian Leslie: No, I got 186, pre-tax. Cooper Howard: Maybe you could’ve asked for more. Sebastian Leslie: Well, I did ask for more. Cooper Howard: And what did they say? Sebastian Leslie: My agent got them to throw in one of those robots. [Laughs] The fuck were they thinking? Every time I walk into my own house, my own voice saying, “Hello, sir, do you want to sit down?” [Laughs] It’s fucking awful! Cooper Howard: I thought the studio owned that character. Sebastian Leslie: They did. And then RobCo bought the studio. Cooper Howard: Mm. Sebastian Leslie: Listen to me, Hollywood is the past. Forget Hollywood. The future, my friend, is products. You're a product. I'm a product. The end of the world is a product. And for those of us who can successfully embrace that, I'd say the future is golden. Cooper Howard: [Holds out glass] To the future. Sebastian Leslie: [Clinks glass] To the future. Barb Howard: It doesn't get any better than this. Cooper Howard: Nope, it does not. [cautiously] You ever...think about working somewhere else? Barb Howard: I used to. But with you doing these ads, it's practically the family business. Maybe we can get Janey a job in payroll when she's 15. Cooper Howard: I think about it. Quitting showbiz. Buying us a ranch up in Bakersfield. Go back to being a real cowboy again. Barb Howard: And what would I do? Cooper Howard: You would look pretty? And help me raise chickens? Barb Howard: [laughs] No. Cooper Howard: You would look very good in a pair of overalls. Barb Howard: [getting out of the hot tub] What's gotten into you? Cooper Howard: A gin martini. [sighs] I don't know. Maybe I've been reading too much news lately. Got me second-guessing the whole city life. [Barb starts getting dressed. Cooper watches her put on a Pipboy, suspicious.] Barb Howard: Oh come on, you've seen these around. Cooper Howard: Not on you, I haven't. Barb Howard: Bud Askins. He licensed these from RobCo. We're integrating them with the Vault-Tec access systems. Cooper Howard: [rolls his eyes] Bud Askins. Barb Howard: Bud Askins. Trust me, I know. The company's filled with guys like him. But Vault-Tec exists, with or without me. Doesn't do anyone any good to complain from the sidelines. Cooper Howard: All I'm saying is, we've got one life. Do you really want to spend your nine-to-five working with these assholes? Barb Howard: I need this job, Coop. It guarantees us a spot in one of the Vaults. Cooper Howard: We got money. We can buy a spot in one of the Vaults... Barb Howard: One of the good Vaults. Cooper Howard: [taken aback] What's that supposed to mean? Barb Howard: I...I'm doing what I can. Just trust me. Please? thumb|What happens when the cattle ranchers have more power than the Sheriff? The whole town burns down. Vault-Tec is a trillion-dollar company that owns half of everything, and after ten years of war the US Government is broker than a joke. The cattle ranchers are in charge, Coop. Charlie Whiteknife: Do you know what "fiduciary responsibility" means? Cooper Howard: "Fiduciary responsibility?" No. I have no fucking idea. I play a cowboy for a living. Charlie Whiteknife: Okay. So, the US Government has outsourced the survival of the human race to Vault-Tec. Vault-Tec is a private corporation that has a fiduciary responsibility to make money for its investors. And how does it make money? By selling Vaults. Cooper Howard: That's called "capitalism," Charlie. Charlie Whiteknife: But they can't sell Vaults if these peace negotiations go through. So, Vault-Tec has a fiduciary responsibility to make sure that it don't work out. Cooper Howard: [scoffs] Yeah? How are they gonna do that? Charlie Whiteknife: I don't know. But...do you remember that movie we did with Johnny Morton? You were the Sheriff, and I was some generic Indian? Cooper Howard: Hey come on, don't say that. Tallhand Mudlake could talk to horses. You played him with grace and dignity. It was a great role for you! Charlie Whiteknife: Morton played a rancher who owned half of Missouri. And what happens when the cattle ranchers have more power than the Sheriff? Cooper Howard: The whole town burns down. Charlie Whiteknife: The whole town burns down. Right. Vault-Tec is a trillion-dollar company that owns half of everything, and after ten years of war the US Government is broker than a joke. The cattle ranchers are in charge, Coop. Unless the People do something about it. Cooper Howard: I guess everything's a conspiracy, right? Come on man, you sound like you're in a cult. Charlie Whiteknife: And you're sitting here defending a system that's ready to set the world on fire, Cooper. Maybe you're the one in the cult. Barb Howard: It's going to be hard on her, that's all. Cooper Howard: What is? Barb Howard: You know. "No Dogs in the Vault." Cooper Howard: [surprised] Says who? Barb Howard: Hmm? Cooper Howard: "No Dogs in the Vault." Says who? Barb Howard: Well, that's just...that's the policy. You know, dogs eat meat. It's an avoidable inefficiency. Cooper Howard: Yeah...that's not really the question, is it? All I'm asking is, who decided there were were no dogs in the Vault? Barb Howard: Well I think that is a relatively trivial concern, given the prerequisite conditions of us living in a nuclear fallout shelter. Cooper Howard: You know, I'm not sure that it is, to be quite honest. [Barb sighs] I'm serious! Who makes the rules? Because "No Dogs Allowed," that is a new rule! Somebody decided that and didn't share it with fucking anyone! I mean, what else do you have in store for us? Are the blue jumpsuits mandatory? What if I don't want to wear a blue one? What if I want to wear a green one? Barb Howard: So the Bomb falls and you want to know about your wardrobe? Cooper Howard: No, I want to know about my freedom! I didn't go to war defending that freedom so I could live in a cellar under the bootheel of Chairman Bud Askins. Barb Howard: While you were away at war, I stayed home. Cooper Howard: I know you did... Barb Howard: I was checking the mail every day... Cooper Howard: I know. Barb Howard: I was waiting by the phone every night, and every night I was driving myself crazy imagining the worst. So you do not need to tell me how bad war is, Coop. Every day I go into work, and I think about how humanity can survive a nuclear event that will wipe out 90% of life on earth. And I come home, and you're talking to me about hiding out on a ranch up in Bakersfield? I don't even know what planet you're on sometimes, Coop! But when the bombs drop, a two-hour drive ain't gonna cut it! So yes, there will be no dogs in the Vault, and no, none of it is ideal. But if billions of people are going to lose their lives, I will do whatever it takes to make sure that the people I love - and that is you and that is Janey - aren't among them. I have worked hard to make sure we go into a special Vault for Management. Where we will oversee all the other Vaults. [Cooper looks at her with disapproval] You don't get it! That is the best we can possibly hope for! For Janey. "The Radio" [1.07] thumb|We were told America’s always getting better, it’s always moving toward a better future. But the future is getting closer, and we can see it. Their “better future” is a cliff’s edge. And it’s coming up fast, isn’t it? [Adam and his son walk into their house to find The Ghoul eating a dinner plate being served by his prepubescent daughter Sandra] The Ghoul: Thank you, darling. [Realizes Adam's assumption of him with Sandra] Oh, wait. You thought...? [Laughs] Come on, now. Adam: Sandra, wait outside. The Ghoul: Lead farming, huh? Why, hell, I probably still got some of your lead in me somewhere. [Sighs] But today... I’m just looking for information. Adam: I’ll tell you anything, as long as you leave us in peace. The Ghoul: Say, am I out of date, or did I hear you had three kids? I had an older son, but he’s gone. Tommy: He took up with that madwoman in the hills two years ago. We haven’t heard from him since. The Ghoul: Hmm. There’s always some new little faction, ain’t there? Brand-new team of believers with their own dumbass ideas about how they gonna save the world. What did you say the name of your eldest was? Was it Roofus? Adam: I didn’t say... The Ghoul: That must make you Tommy. Adam: What did you do? What is that envelope? The Ghoul: Well, you see, daddy-o... now, from what I can tell... [clears throat] Old Roofus got Tommy here mixed up with that madwoman, too. [Holds up paper] Now, according to this, Roofus sent Tommy a stash of caps to pay a courier for “the safe transport of an Enclave defector” to that very same madwoman in the hills. Moldaver. But my problem is, by the time I got this letter off your brother, it was a little bit hard to read. For some reason, I just can’t make out her location. Now, you give me that location, and I’ll be on my way. Tommy: [Whispers] I’m sorry. Adam: Tell him, son. Just tell him. Tommy: I didn’t want to spend my life digging through dirt. I want to build something, and we have the chance… Adam: Tell him what he wants to know! Or else he’s gonna kill us all! Including your little sister. The Ghoul: Huh. Tommy: She’s... she’s at the Observatory. Adam: Now, please, leave us. The Ghoul: So, what you think, Tommy? Am I really walking out of here today, or are you gonna try and draw on me for what I did to your big brother? Adam: He won’t. The Ghoul: Maybe not today, but maybe someday. [Tommy reaches for a shotgun on a beam with The Ghoul shooting him fatally] Adam: Tommy! [The Ghoul then walks out past Adam holding Tommy] Moldaver Williams: [Giving a church sermon] What is it about California, that we all came to this place? [Inhales deeply] Maybe it’s the sunshine. Maybe it’s the friendly people. When you think of the promise of the American Dream, you think of California. But it is just a dream. It’s not real. We were told the atom bomb meant the end of war. That didn’t work out, did it? We were told America’s always getting better, it’s always moving toward a better future. But the future is getting closer, and we can see it. Their “better future” is a cliff’s edge. And it’s coming up fast, isn’t it? [Sighs] These soldiers that we’re fighting abroad, their families, we have more in common with them than we do with the people here in power, the real enemy. Cooper Howard: That’s about all the horseshit I can take. Charles Whiteknife: Coop. Coop, come on. [Congregationalists murmurs with Howard getting up and walking to door] Moldaver Williams: Mr. Howard? [Cooper sighs] I’m sorry, I didn’t hear what you said. Cooper Howard: [Stops and turns around] I said that, um... this is about all the horseshit I can take. Moldaver Williams: I didn’t realize that America’s favorite gunslinger was so sensitive. [Congregationalists chuckles] Cooper Howard: I have my principles, Miss Williams, that’s all. Moldaver Williams: Uh-huh. And those principles of yours... how much did Vault-Tec pay to take them off your hands? Cooper Howard: Well, this is America. Everybody has a sponsor, and, uh, I’m not ashamed to earn a living. Moldaver Williams: Vault-Tec is the largest company in America. There’s a lot of money in selling the end of the world. Cooper Howard: Well, I’m sure there’s a lot of money in selling a political ideology that ends in breadlines. Congregationalist woman: Fascist. Charles Whiteknife: Okay, uh, sorry, this was a mistake. We’ll be leaving. Moldaver Williams: Oh, no, I’m-I’m quite glad you brought Mr. Howard today. You see, it happens that I know your wife. And perhaps a side of her you don’t. ... Cooper Howard: [Walking in hallway with Moldaver] How do you know my wife? Moldaver Williams: My research company was acquired by her division. We were developing this kind of technology that’s... difficult to monetize. Cold fusion. Infinite energy. That’s what I was on the verge of achieving when Vault-Tec swept in and bought up every company I’d ever worked for. Cooper Howard: Every one of them? So, what are you, a millionaire communist? Moldaver Williams: Hypocrisy is like violence in your movies. If you only let the bad guys use it, the bad guys win. Cooper Howard: Yeah? I, uh, I got a little showbiz secret for you. A good bad guy doesn’t see themselves as the bad guy. Moldaver Williams: America has been locked in a resource war for over a decade. Vault-Tec bought the means to end that war, the same war you fought in, so they could put it on the shelf. All because it didn’t fit into their business model. [Holds out listening device] I want your help in getting it back. Cooper Howard: What is it? Moldaver Williams: It’s a listening device. Cooper Howard: A listening device. You... you want me to spy on my wife? [Softly chuckles] Good luck with the revolution. Moldaver Williams: You can keep it. As a token. I’m not a communist, Mr. Howard. That’s just a dirty word they use to describe people who aren’t insane. [Lucy is bound to a table before a court of raucous spectators] Birdie: We are all survivors here. Lucky enough to have found this sanctum of peace. Of tolerance. It doesn’t matter where you come from or what you believe. You deserve safety. Unless... you threaten that peace. Overseer Benjamin: [Picks up sword and brings it to Lucy] For causing harm to a fellow survivor, you are hereby sentenced to death... [Lucy whimpers when Maximus raises the sword] by banishment to the surface! [Gently saws Lucy's binds] It’s almost there. [Realizes sword is too dull ]Need to get that sharpened, please. [Hands sword to Birdie, clears throat and manually breaks Lucy's binds] Spectators: Yeah! Lucy: You’re just... letting me go? Overseer Benjamin: Well, that’s certainly an optimistic perspective. You’ll be killed almost immediately on the surface by Lord knows what. That’s why we’re giving you two weeks of supplies to take with you. [Cathy brings box of bottled cola] Thank you, Cathy. Cathy: Sure. [Walks away] Overseer Benjamin: After that, you are on your own, Goosey. Lucy: Uh... that’s, uh... that’s... really nice of you guys. Overseer Benjamin: Okay, and now it is time to be moving along. Lucy: Can I just ask you one thing? Overseer Benjamin: Obviously, someone will carry the supplies to the surface for you. Lucy: My friend really likes it here. And he’s a good person. He deserves to be somewhere nice and safe, like this. I know that I’m not really in the position to be asking favors. [Chuckles] But... can he stay? [Spectators gasps] Snake oil salesman: [Running after Thaddeus] Excuse me! Thaddeus: Aah! Snake oil salesman: Don’t kill me. I’m a doctor. I can help you. Haven’t run into many people traveling with a human head. Thaddeus: Oh, this? It’s not... It’s nothing really, it’s more of a... I have to... It’s a souvenir kind of thing. Snake oil salesman: Oh, yeah? [Walking through semi-sand-submerged house window] Welcome to my humble pharmacy. Have a seat, my dear boy, and let’s take a look at that tattered tootsy of yours. [Thaddeus takes off boot and sock] Oh... Oh. I’ve seen this condition before. Thaddeus: Uh, someone stepped on my foot. Snake oil salesman: Yes. Sometimes fatal. But you’re in luck, ’cause I’ve got the cure. [Turns to table of medicines] I have, in my possession, serums and potions for every malady and misfortune that could possibly beset a wandering traveler such as yourself. Thaddeus: [Salesman hears Thaddeus's pistol hammer clicks and sees raising his pistol at him from mirror] What’s stopping me from just killing you and taking your whole thing of drugs? Snake oil salesman: Well, when it comes to serums, not many people know the difference between the noxious and the benign. A murky hue of green could aid the humors. A brackish tint of shamrock, and... [blows raspberry] That’s the sound of your lower intestine falling right the fuck out. [Waves vials in both hands] But which is which? Which is which... Thaddeus: Fine. Just give me the right one. Snake oil salesman: Okay. Before we start, there’s the small matter of my fee. Thaddeus: I don’t have caps, but.. [Produces fusion core] Snake oil salesman: Oh, my. Is- is that a.. fusion core? You don’t see those around much anymore, do you? But, if you do want to survive... not a bad trade. Thaddeus: Okay, here. Snake oil salesman: Okay, let’s get started. This elixir I have concocted heals all. And I mean everything. But I must warn you, the taste: not great. Thaddeus: Just give it! Snake oil salesman: Okay. [Thaddeus inhales sharply with Salesman laughing heartily] I’m sorry! Thaddeus: But the results... Snake oil salesman: Yes? The results! [Thaddeus gasps as his foots heals immediately] Thaddeus: Holy shit. Holy shit! Ah, thank you! Snake oil salesman: Sure thing, buddy boy! Ah... [Slams briefcase shut] "The Beginning" [1.08] thumb|War never changes. You look at this wasteland, it seems like chaos. But there's always somebody behind the wheel. And that's who I wanna talk to. That's where your Daddy is headed. Quintus: [Maximus walks before Quintus on his throne with Lee taking Siggi Wilzig's head to Quintus] You’re wearing the Knight’s red. Where’s your Knight? Maximus: He’s dead. Quintus: This is not the first time a Brother in your company has fallen into misfortune... is it? [A cleric uses radio counter to scan Siggi Wilzig's head] I fear you lied then. Cleric: No artifact, m’lord. Quintus: Just as you lie now. Dane: [Repeatedly] Wait! [Groans as knights force Maximus to knees] Maximus: Please, listen to me! I can get you the real head. Quintus: Confess. Maximus: Don’t kill me and I can lead you to it! [Pants and groans] I can help you! Dane: Please, m’lord. My injury was my own doing. Not his. Maximus: Please... please, I know where the head is! Dane: For the sake of the Brotherhood, please listen to him! [Maximus pants heavily] Quintus: Such a display of loyalty. Don’t see that much anymore. [Speaking to Maximus in private] You think you’re the first squire who coveted his Knight’s armor? How did Titus die? Maximus: He died running. Quintus: [Sighs softly] The Brotherhood has lost its way. We once ruled the Wasteland... and yet power is taken, not given. A lesson you seem to have learned. So, if what you say is true, and you can lead us to the relic, then together, you and I, we will take power. And with it... we will start a new Brotherhood. With me as its head, and the likes of you as its sword. Your entire life, you’ve been looking for a home. Build one with me. Mr. House: Even if you outlive all external threats, here's my problem with the vaults. You confine a bunch of rats in a nest for a long time, they end up eating each other. So who's to say your rats are gonna survive better than those animals on the surface? There's a lot of earning potential with the end of the world. You're talking about making a significant investment, based on a hypothetical. How can you guarantee results? Barb Howard: By dropping the bomb ourselves. [...] Barb Howard: A nuclear event would be a tragedy, but also an opportunity. Perhaps the greatest opportunity in history, because when we are the only ones left, there will be no one left to fight. A true monopoly. This is our chance to make war obsolete, because in our current societal configuration, which took shape without intentional guidance, we have friction, we have conflict, and we have war. And war, well... war never changes. Lee Moldaver: Rose was so clever. Like you. Lucy, your mother discovered that something was siphoning the Vault's water supply away. And from that one clue, she deduced that maybe civilization had returned to the surface. When she told her husband, he said that it was a ridiculous idea. And that she should tell no one. Hank MacLean: Lucy, let's go. Let's... Lee Moldaver: And that's when she realized that her husband, the Overseer, was hiding things. Hank MacLean: Lucy, let's go. Let's get out of here. Lee Moldaver: So she ran away. Like you did, Lucy. And took her children. She found this wonderful city, that was everything the Vaults has promised to be. Hank MacLean: She's lying. Lee Moldaver: But then, her husband came after her. And when she decided not to return home, he took the children. And he burned that city to the ground. [Lucy stares in disbelief] Shady Sands. Hank MacLean: She's lying, Lucy... Lee Moldaver: That's how Vault-Tec deals with competition. Just like they did two hundred years ago. Hank MacLean: I did what was necessary to save our people. And that woman over there [indicates Lee Moldaver] is no different than me. Lucy, I loved your mother. But she stopped being your mother when she left home. When she took you into danger. You've seen what it's like up here. Everyone equally afraid. Equally miserable. Forced to do horrible things in order to survive. I had to make a choice. Between their violent world and our peaceful one. And I believe, Lucy - I know - I made the right choice. If the problem with the world is factions endlessly fighting, endlessly at war, then what is the solution but to get rid of the factions? To make the world us, only ours to shape. The Ghoul: Bet that outfit makes y'all feel like a big man, don't it? I know, cuz, well, I used to wear one back in the day. There was only one problem with it. [loads an armor-piercing round into his pistol] There was a flaw in the welding just below the chest plate. I wonder if they fixed that in this new model? [Fires. Knight immediately falls to the ground dead.] Guess not. The Ghoul: Want another autograph, young Henry? "Feo, fuerte, y formal?" When your daughter said her last name was MacLean, well...I just couldn't believe it was the MacLean. Hell, this kid used to pick up my wife's dry cleaning. Now, I've waited over two hundred years to ask someone one question: [Raises his pistol. His voice reverts back to his old self.] Cooper Howard: Where's my fucking family? The Ghoul: War never changes. You look at this wasteland, it seems like chaos. But there's always somebody behind the wheel. And that's who I wanna talk to. That's where your Daddy is headed. Lucy: But you let him go. The Ghoul: It's easier to track a stuck pig than to ask it where it's off to. You want to know how I know your Daddy, don't you? Let's just say that everything about your whole little world was decided over two hundred years ago. Now, you can stay here with him, but when his tin-can soldier friends take this place - and they're gonna take this place - they will kill you and everybody here. Or you could come and meet your makers. Lee Moldaver: What do you suppose your Brotherhood would do with infinite power? Maybe you can stop them. Maybe you can't. Maybe all you can do is try. Season 2 "The Innovator" [2.01] "The Stranger": Every dollar spent is a vote cast. And that fellow right there? [indicates Robert House on the television] He has more votes than every pan-headed politician in Washington. "The Stranger": Hit me in the mouth. I think I'd enjoy it. [Bill punches him. He staggers and groans.] "The Stranger": I'm rarely wrong, but let's move on... The Ghoul: Didn't that used to be a store? I think I bought a soda pop there, about 25 years back. Darla. Woman behind the counter, that was her name. Darla. She was a reasonable woman. Til you matching-jacket motherfuckers had to move in. Lucy: Hi, excuse me! Sorry. I'm hoping you can settle an argument between myself and my traveling companion there. We are hunting down my father, who is not a good guy, and on this journey we found ourselves in need of food and supplies. Plan A was just leaving you alone and avoiding this scenario altogether, but we've tried that, and I'd just end up starving to death. Plan B - his idea, by the way - was for me to turn him over to you so that you would open up your safe and give me the considerable bounty you put out on him. The Ghoul: [slowly strangling in his noose] Fucking...shoot! Lucy: The idea was I'd shoot him down, he'd take your weapons, and use whatever violence was necessary in order for us to escape. Which, in my experience thus far...it's...it's a lot of violence. So I'm really, really hoping you'll agree to Plan C? Nick the Prick: What's Plan C? Lucy: You just let us go. And we keep the caps you gave me? Which, to be clear, we do need for our survival. And...just to ask the question, would it help if I said, "please?" Nick the Prick: Whoever kills the girl gets to eat the dog. Lucy: [sighs] Okey-dokey. [shoots the Ghoul's rope. Violence ensues.] [Lucy and the Ghoul look out over Las Vegas] Lucy: Still looks like all the old photos. The Ghoul: Bombs got shot down. Most of them anyway. Lucy: If they could do that for Las Vegas, why couldn't they do that for America? The Ghoul: Because there was no "they." There was a "him." A man by the name of Robert House. Lucy: Maybe that's where your family went? They're safe there? The Ghoul: Nowhere near Robert House is safe. The Ghoul: Question: What exactly is it you plan on doing once we find your Daddy? We gonna do it like usual? You put a bullet in his ass, leave it to me to put one in his head? Lucy: No. No, I'm going to bring him to justice. The Ghoul: You think he deserves that? Lucy: I was raised to believe that that's what everyone deserves. So people know that how they conduct themselves matters. So they don't give up hope. [turns to the Ghoul] Like you say you did. But really it's still in here. The Ghoul: Well, I hate to break it to you, darlin'. But the way you was raised wasn't real. Lucy: I know. But look at your alternative. Guess I'm just trying to lead by example. Cooper Howard: They sat around that table and talked about the end of the world like it was some new business strategy. Lee Moldaver: Sounds like you heard something interesting. Cooper Howard: You knew? Lee Moldaver: And now you do too. So what are we going to do about it? Lee Moldaver: Are you familiar with Robert House? Cooper Howard: Yeah, I'm familiar with Robert House. The guy owns half of Las Vegas. Lee Moldaver: He's also building a privately-owned missile system in Las Vegas with enough firepower to follow through on your wife's proposals. When the bombs drop, it'll be Robert House who presses the button. Cooper Howard: Are you asking me to spy on the wealthiest man in America? Lee Moldaver: Not spy on him. [Cooper gets the implication] Cooper Howard: Y-you want me to...? Lee Moldaver: You wife is going to Las Vegas next week to sell Cold Fusion to Robert House. Then he'll have everything he needs to push that button. Play nice with your wife, and get on that trip to Vegas. [Disgusted, Cooper gets up to leave] Lee Moldaver: Where are you going? Cooper Howard: Home. While I still have one. Lee Moldaver: [shrugs] When the world goes down in flames, at least you'll know your hands are clean. The Ghoul: Every time I set foot in one of these concrete shoeboxes, I gotta make peace with the fact that I might finally learn what happened to my wife and my daughter. Whether they be alive, dead, or...or something far worse. Lucy: Right. I know about the experiments. I've been to Vault 4. The Ghoul: Vault 4 was the best-case scenario. Lucy: To be fair, it was a little weirder than the one I came from. The Ghoul: You think so? How many towns did they destroy down in Vault 4? Brain-on-a-Roomba: You have two rational choices. Get in your dad's pod, or die. Norman: You're right. I only have two rational choices. But plenty of irrational ones. Brain-on-a-Roomba: What are you doing? Norman: Two hundred years of planning in order for everything to go just right. Seems like lot of work if you ask me. I think plans are slightly overrated, personally. [Norman begins inputting commands on the console] Brain-on-a-Roomba: No wait, I need that to threaten you! What are you doing? Norman: Thawing everyone. Brian-on-a-Roomba: What? No! You can't just thaw them all! [pods begin to activate] No! They're only supposed to come out once every thirty years! This isn't even a cogent plan! This is chaos! Norman: Agreed. Plans are hard. Chaos though...chaos is easy. Hank MacLean: This is Hank MacLean, reporting for duty, sir. Nobody in Vault-Tec knows I'm here. Nobody in Vault-Tec knows much of anything anymore. Wanted to let you know I'm still alive. I hope you are too. I mean, I don't doubt that you are. You spent so much time calculating how to survive all possible contingencies. I've been keeping busy. I'm in Vegas these days. Back in your old stomping grounds, actually. Trying to pick up where you all left off. Looks like a couple of the Vault experiments ran into some...speed bumps. 24 made progress on the brain-computer interface. This one, miniaturization. What it all needs is integration. I'm confident that if I just roll up my sleeves, I can bring it all home. Then we can finally talk about my promotion. I'm going to complete the work you started. And when this is all over, you will be begging me to help you. "The Golden Rule" [2.02] Lucy: Were you always this rude? I'm guessing not. Look, your family may very well still be out there. I've seen enough by now to know that anything's possible. But one thing I wouldn't count on is them appreciating the kind of person you've become. I mean, you want them to like you, right? The Ghoul: Empathy's like mud. You'll lose your boots in that stuff. Lucy: I'm not just going to let someone die while I listen to them scream. The Ghoul: Folks've been screaming for two hundred fucking years. Lucy: Did it ever occur to you that if you helped them, they would stop? The Ghoul: You wanna know what I was like before the War? I was just like you. Stupid. Aspirant: Why do you do that? Maximus: [washing his face] Because it's important. Aspirant: To fix a fallen world? Maximus: Sometimes, in order to make a big problem something you can handle, you have to make it small. So we start with bettering ourselves. And you can do that in all sorts of ways. Self-discipline. Generosity. Valor. And not smelling really bad. Maximus: If the Brotherhood can keep history from repeating itself, it's my job to help them do that. Yosemite Elder: The Chapters have grown apart over the years. Mine doesn't go in for any of this religious shit. Coronado Elder: Yeah, and where we come from, women don't get to talk. Cunt. Yosemite Elder: [slams knife into the table] Keep talking and I'll carve you one. Grand Canyon Elder: The Commonwealth pretty much lets the Canyon rule itself. So as far as we're concerned, everyone else can go fuck themselves. Especially you. Coronado Elder: You just like that they let you fuck robots. Grand Canyon Elder: That was one Squire! And he was well within his rights! Steven Winthrop: I think there's been some sort of mistake. I signed up for the Vault-Tec Premium Elite Plus. Hank: Did you read the fine print? Winthrop: Yes. Hank: Well, I didn't. I prefer the classics. So much has changed since you went under. But it's what's stayed the same that concerns me. Old habit, I guess. But I am optimistic that we will be able to work out the kinks. I noticed on your file that you had a family, but you only bought a ticket for one. Winthrop: It...it was expensive. Hank: Can't put a price on family, Steve. We were very clear about that in the advertisements. Family is the first building block of civilization. Winthrop: What are you doing? Hank: I'm improving a piece of outdated technology. Civilization. It hasn't worked out so far. But, if at first you don't succeed...[Adjusts the resonance of the device. Winthrop's head explodes.] Try, try again. Xander Harkness: Sorry to interrupt. Paladin Harkness, representative of the Commonwealth. I understand we're discussing a civil war? I must not have gotten my invitation. "The Profligate" [2.03] Lacerta Legate: We were negotiating the rights to your prima noctis. Lucy: Prima noctis? Okay, first of all, shame on you! That is awful! And secondly, prima noctis isn't even a Roman tradition! It's from the Middle Ages! They were just nasty people borrowing a Latin phrase. And as much as I want to respect your traditions, there is a line to all that, which I think we have found. And you should know you that I'm not even a virgin! And that's not including all the cousin stuff I did, which is at least a page or two on my resume! So it looks like we're out of options. Lucy: I may be able to help you. I have experience with family counseling. And sometimes, conflict resolution is easier than you think. [Cut to Lucy crucified} Lucy: Aw, geez... Lucy: This isn't Rome! This is America! Lacerta Legate: Is it? Lucy: Yeah, according to all the maps. Lacerta: Maps drawn by the dead. All that remains of America is overwhelming evidence of its failure. Now if you'll excuse me, we have a war to win. Lucy: You know, speaking as someone who's seen upward of fifteen movies, if you think everyone else is the bad guy, chances are you're the bad guy. Lacerta: "Good" is not a meaningful vector in history. Only strength. The Ghoul: [while cutting a piece of infected flesh from his own leg] A boat's not a boat, know what I mean? Course you do. Take out one plank, boat's the same as it ever was. Just got a hole in it, that's all. Take out a lot of planks, then all of a sudden, you gotta ask yourself, "What the fuck am I looking at? This ain't no boat! It's just a pile of wood! Just a fucking pile of wood!" I don't know why I'm telling you all this for. I know you already know this. It's just been a while since I've had someone worth talking to, that's all. Cooper Howard: What do you know about Robert House? Charlie Whiteknife: All I've heard is that he's building some kind of weapons system in Vegas. Our intel thinks it's connected to whatever you heard Barb talking about. Cooper Howard: Your "intel?" Charlie Whiteknife: It's blueprints and a bunch of phone records. What else am I supposed to call it? Cooper Howard: Intel, I guess. Well, do you know what your boss wants me to do with him? [Cooper and Charlie exchange a significant look] Charlie Whiteknife: I didn't know. Cooper Howard: Look, I wanna help. I'll do whatever I can. But there's got to be another way. Charlie Whiteknife: Look where we are, Coop. Half the men in here have killed people. Maybe not the right ones. Robert House is just one person. "The Stranger": Don't get me wrong. I sympathize with the Pinko point of view. They have grievances with traditional institutions. Entirely justified, if you ask me. Cooper Howard: I didn't ask you. "The Stranger": It's their solution to the problem. You back a body into a corner, they're liable to try anything. You back billions of bodies into a corner at the same time? Tsk. Everyone trying to solve the same problem at the same time with a multitude of solutions? Messy-messy, eh? Cooper Howard: I take it you're not a vet. "The Stranger": What gave me away? Cooper Howard: Because a vet would know better than to talk politics when a man has his dick in his hand. Elder Quintus: If our rebellion is righteous, our way will be paved for us. Xander Harkness: Your Elder Cleric is about to make a mistake. The Brotherhood that you believe in, that I believe in, we are the last bastion of order in this country. We are a bulwark against chaos. If you ask me, fomenting a rebellion sounds a lot of like chaos. You know, back east, it's guys like us who call the shots. People who put their asses on the line. That is foundational to the Brotherhood ethos. Your Clerics, what do they do? Stand around? Give speeches? We are the ones who bleed. The Ghoul: Where's Robert House? VICTOR: He's gone. He had all the money in the world. But all he wanted was to live forever. Life just ain't fair, I guess. The Ghoul: Typically I would agree. But you should know better than anyone that House had a knack for planning ahead. VICTOR: Oh, he had plans all right. But he needed that cold-fusion doodad from before the War. Didn't you have something to do with all that? Way back when? [The Ghoul makes to leave] VICTOR: Aw, you leaving already? Ain't nobody around to keep poor VICTOR company these days. Just them Rangers up in the hills. The Ghoul: Rangers in the hills? VICTOR: Well, you know how it is. The NCR and the Legion, they can't stop fighting. Like cats and dogs. The Ghoul: Much obliged, VICTOR. VICTOR: Well, I'll be seeing ya. The Ghoul: I'm sure you will. Xander Harkness: Hey Maximus, can we just be hard-dick for a second? Maximus: Um...yeah? Xander: Unless your guy Quintus gives me that relic, you and me are going to be on the front line, shooting at each other soon. And I know you're very good, but trust me, you don't want that heat. And I don't know, I'm just thinking, if I go home with the relic, there's no bloodshed, you know? I'll be honest with you, man. We are really up against it back home. Without that relic you found, we risk losing the Commonwealth. And if the Commonwealth falls, civilization won't last much longer. Maximus: What you mean, "won't last?" Xander: Look at it out here. It can get worse. Trust me. Just think about it, that's all. I trust your judgment, Maximus. So should you. Xander: We are the Brotherhood of Steel! We keep the Wasteland safe! This is what we do! This is what we get to do! Hot dog! The Ghoul: If I may, the New California Republic may want to drop the word "new," because y'all looking dusty as hell. Rodriguez: The things we fight for, clean water, schools, rights for folks like you, story has it you used to believe in those things too. Please, help us, before we're captured. The Ghoul: Ain't nobody coming. Because there ain't nobody left. Little piece of advice that's helped me sleep at night over the years. When something's dead, it's usually because it deserved to die. Charlie Whiteknife: We like to tell stories about the things we did out there. Not all of them, anyway. Some of them we can't tell. But the ones we do tell, we tell to make us feel good about what we did. To give us hope that it was all for the right reasons. But we're just Marines. We don't get the privilege of knowing. We just had to go off of what they told us. They told us that it was all on the line. Fate of the whole Free World. With the stakes stacked that high, we didn't get much choice, did we? And I guarantee you, the guys on the other side got told the same shit. At the end of the day, we just gotta hope we bet on the right side. The side that protects the people you love. Because if it did, I guess that's worth doing pretty much anything. Even something bad. Thaddeus: Hey man. Maximus: Hey. Thaddeus: So...what you been up to? Maximus: I think I just started a war. Thaddeus: Oh. Okay. Yeah, well, I'm the floor manager here, so...it sounds like we both got a lot going on right now. "The Demon in the Snow" [2.04] Squad Commander Wenjie: [In Mandarin] Wow, buddy. What did they put you in? The future is here. [squadmates laugh] I'm serious. The Generals will be making us wear these too before long. Rock to spear, and so on. And when our commanding officers tell us to put these on, we'll say the exact same thing this poor guy did. [switches to English] Okey-dokey. Lucy: I'm looking for someone. Rodriguez: Pretty common story around here. Someone you care about, or someone you hate? The Ghoul: Ooh, what a great question. What say you, Miss MacLean? Lucy: They seemed nice. The Ghoul: Think they'd be nice if they found out what your Daddy did? Lucy: I wasn't gonna stay if that's what you're worried about. All I saw in there was more matching jackets. Lucy: [speaking rapidly] Ooh, gosh. Is it just me or is the air extra itchy today? And heavy? The air's itchy and heavy? You ever feel like that? And also, like, hungry for...not food? The Ghoul [mildly amused] Yes, I am very familiar with that feeling. Lucy: What the fudge did you stop for? Sorry. Whew. Gosh, why am I suddenly so grumpy? Am I dying? The Ghoul: Nah, you ain't dying. You're addicted to drugs. Lucy: What? No! No, it's not possible... The Ghoul: Two days on a steady drip of Buffout will do that to a body. Lucy: Well then, I hereby quit drugs! There! [The Ghoul starts rummaging through his pack] Whatcha got there? Oh gosh, it didn't take. I'm still addicted to drugs. What do I do? The Ghoul: Well. there's two schools of thought. One, you muscle your way through it. Lot of pain, vomiting. Can't do much but just lay there and ride it out. Lucy: How long does that take? The Ghoul: Four or five days. [Lucy looks around at the scenery, weighing that option] The Ghoul: In my experience, the alternative is the only way to go. Lucy: What's the alternative? The Ghoul: [holds up a vial] Do more drugs. Norm: I know this is a lot to take in. Rachel: I drove down that bridge a week ago. Norm: Where were you going? Rachel: A job interview at Vault-Tec. Norm: Pretty crazy week for you, I guess. Betty: I woke up 40 years ago. And I've learned a lot in that time. What matters, what doesn't matter. The company we work for isn't coming to save us. This community and how we conduct ourselves in it? That's all that matters. That's all we have. Betty: So you're holding us hostage. Steph: "Hostage" is an overused word. Betty: I don't think you appreciate how bad things can get down here. Steph: With all due respect, Betty, but you're from Solvang. You have no idea how bad things can get. Now. if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. Betty: If you don't help us, there won't be a Vault 33 anymore. Steph: The experiment's over, Betty. We have to make our own decisions now. The Ghoul: Well, shit. Lucy: What? What! Sorry. The Ghoul: It's gonna be a little hard to explain. We should go in through the east side of town. Place called Freeside. It's a good place to stock up on supplies. Only about a half-day's detour. Lucy: No! My Dad is right there! I am done with all the sidetracks and detours! I say we just run on through! Who fudging cares! [heads off] The Ghoul: That's the drugs talking! [shrugs] Truth be told, I like what they're saying. [follows her] Lucy: [after single-handedly taking out six Ghouls] Got any cigarettes? I've love to try one. The Ghoul: One addiction at a time. Elder Cleric Quintus: I found you in the ruins of Shady Sands. Kill me, and the world will continue just as you see it. A world of anarchy, of horror. A world I would bring order to. Order! Cruel and necessary to rebuild civilization. To change this world! Kill me and that change will never come. Tell me, Maximus, what world will you build will you lead? Tell me, what will you do when your people are starving? Maximus: I don't want that. Quintus: Then what is your great plan? Maximus: There was no plan! I don't have a plan! You have plans! But out there, you can't! I don't choose the things I have to do! They just keep happening! Maximus: I couldn't do it. I'm sorry. Dane: You do not have to apologize for not killing someone. Here, [hands Maximus the diode] get this as far from here as you can. Maximus: Why me? Dane: You're the only one here who's not a total asshole. Lucy: [picks up an enormous eggshell] Wow, how big do the chickens get around here? The Ghoul: [scared] Those aren't chickens! [Ominous growling. The Ghoul looks absolutely terrified.] Lucy: Well...whatever it is, I think we can take it! Yep, we got this! [A gigantic Deathclaw emerges from a building. Lucy is stunned.] Lucy: Oh...okey-dokey. "The Wrangler" [2.05] Lucy: I defer to you in what to do in this situation. The Ghoul: Run! The Ghoul; Before the War, there was a plan for a special Vault, a Vault for Management. That's where my wife is. Where my daughter is too. Lucy: You never found it? The Ghoul: Oh, I found one, in California. It was empty. Found another one in Oregon. It was empty too. Turns out there's more a few "special Vaults for Management" sprinkled across the Wasteland. All of them empty. But I've never found one in Vegas. Lucy: So you think, if my Dad went there, maybe your wife and daughter are there too? The Ghoul: Unh-Hunh. Shotgun Jeff: Guess you saw them Deathclaw things that came up from Quarry Junction. They're fighting around the strip. [scoffs] Big whup. Just another fucking round of change in management. That's all it is. Like one of them merry-go-rounds. NCR, Legion, NCR, Legion, fucking robots...don't matter to me. Always someone trying to tell us what to do. Long as they don't come around trying to charge me taxes, I don't give a fuck. Galaxy News Announcer: While the Government twiddles thumbs at the negotiating table with our Communist adversaries from across the Pacific, Captains of Industry gather in Las Vegas, Nevada, to decide the fate of the Free World! And the leader of this history summit? Robert Edwin House, founder of RobCo, the nation's leading robotics manufacturer! So what does this titan of the private sector think about his odds at succeeding where the Government has failed? Robert House: Where I come from, which is America, The House Always Wins. Lee Moldaver: Glad you chose to do the right thing. Cooper Howard: Is that what you call killing a man? Lee Moldaver: Check the coin return. [Cooper finds a vial of liquid in the coin return] Lee Moldaver: If Robert House gets Cold Fusion, Vault-Tec gets the bombs. This is the only way to stop it. Cooper Howard: Is this what I think it is? Lee Moldaver: You're a soldier. You've killed before. Cooper Howard: In uniform. Lee Moldaver: Wearing a costume doesn't make it any better. I am giving you the opportunity to save countless lives in exchange for one. I think in this case, the ends justify the means. Cooper Howard: People have been saying shit like that for years. I'll stop the exchange. I'll get your Cold Fusion back. But I'm not gonna kill a man to do it. Congresswoman Diane Welch: Fighting the good fight is mostly a series of humiliations. "The Stranger": Hello. I'm Robert House. Cooper Howard: From the fucking toilet? Robert House: I apologize. I was just very eager to meet you. I know came to Vegas to kill me, did you not? Hank: How would you like to forget everything you've ever known? Everyone you've ever known? Your language and motor skills will remain intact. But every choice you've made, ever moment you've cherished, will be completely and utterly removed from your memory. Snake Oil Salesman: Please, yes. Claudia: What's making that noise? Barv: Roach farm. Claudia: How...How big are they? Barv: Not big enough for market, but they'll get there. Norm: You met my sister? Ma June: Yep, back in Filly. Before the Brotherhood of Steel burned it down. Helped a fellow from the Enclave get through the Shithole to some folks from the NCR who weren't in town when Shady Sands blew up. Pretty slim odds, what with it being Khan country. Norm: ...I don't understand what any of that means. Ma June: Your sister is dead, honey. Norm: You don't know that. You don't know my sister. Ma June: I know the Wastelands better than you. I know plenty well what it does to folks as soft as you all are. I'm gonna tell you what I told her, and for y'alls sake I hope you listen. Go home, Vaultie. Cooper Howard: How long have you been pretending to be this guy? Fake Robert House: About ten years. [shrugs] It's a living. Robert House: Like yourself, Mister Howard, I am an apex competitor. We are the very best at what we do. And I what I do is, I know everything. I know who is making what technology, and I acquire that technology in the most lucrative moment in its span of functionality. This week I'm acquiring Cold Fusion from Vault-Tec. Cooper Howard: From my wife. Robert House: Correct. It will allow me to stay alive indefinitely, in roboticized, non-biological form, and protect Las Vegas from the coming nuclear war. Cooper Howard: Initiated by my wife. Robert House: Hmm. Unclear. Cooper Howard; By Vault-Tec, then. Robert House: No. I doubt that, despite what we both heard in that meeting. Vault-Tec is a collision of bureaucrats. Your wife though? I don't know. Robert House: I routinely design and run mathematical paradigms based on global, political, and socioeconomic conditions in an effort to predict future events. And one spring morning, the data coalesced. And told me in no uncertain terms that the world would...well, end. Cooper Howard: A calculator told you that? Robert House: The date of the end of the world may not interest you, Mister Howard. But the date that data coalesced might. April 14th, 2065. At 5:17 AM. Is that date of any interest to you? Cooper Howard: [disturbed] That's my daughter's birthday. Robert House: That is vexingly curious, isn't it? More curious is that you were not meant to come to Las Vegas this weekend. Your wife Barbara was meant to come alone. The moment you bought your ticket to Las Vegas, the date the world was going to end jumped forward by one month. Robert House: I am a mathematician, a roboticist, and a casino owner. And I don't know yet how you figure into all of this, but you most certainly do. And I don't like unknown variables. Irksome, not knowing exactly how you play a part in ending the world. Cooper Howard: You know, the person who wanted me to kill you, they think that you are gonna end things by selling Vault-Tec the weapons it needs. Robert House: No. No, the bombs will not be dropped by me or any of the idiots in that meeting. I believe there is another player at the table. The same unknown entity responsible for your demon in the snow. Cooper Howard: Who? Robert House: I..I don't know. Like I said, Irksome. You see, I live my life by one simple maxim. Cooper Howard: The House Always Wins, right? Robert House: And it does. I'm making sure of it by making use of every single piece of technology at my disposal. [genuinely frightened] But..but what if I'm not the House? What if someone else is? Cooper Howard: What if you're just a fucking lunatic? Robert House: I'm a lunatic? I would encourage you to gaze inward, Mister Howard. To your small life. Spending your days pretending to be a cowboy, while your wife is making apocalyptic proposals at board meetings! And I'm building a missile system to defend this glorious city from what's coming! But from whom, Mister Howard?! From whom?! [overwhelmed and horrified, Cooper flees] Robert House: Who ends the world Mister Howard? Is it you? What if it is you?! I don't think you're a cowboy at all! No! I think you're a killer! I think I know exactly who you are! Claudia: You're not really Bud's successor, are you? Norm: How do you know? Claudia: Because you're not absolutely nuts. Norm: ...Thank you? Claudia: But the rest of them? They are nuts. They bet their whole lives on Bud's weird multi-millennial plan. And if they find out you took that from them? There's no telling what they'll do. Sorry, that came across as a little dramatic. But in my defense, I did just see the world end a week ago. "The Other Player" [2.06] Vault-Tec Project Manager 1: This is what a five-megaton blast will look like over Los Angeles. Marketing thinks a ten-megaton blast would look better for the billboards. Vault-Tec Project Manager 2: But it won't be a ten-megaton blast. It will be multiple five-megaton blasts. Vault-Tec Project Manager 1: Obviously it would be multiple five-megaton blasts. But the design team thought it looked too busy. Just a cacophony of puff clouds. Vault-Tec Engineer: The bad news is that the water chips have a 30% fail rate. But the good news is we'll know which ones fail before installation. So, we get to choose who runs out of water. Any preferences? Vault-Tec Marketing Manager: Our internal early alert system gives us, at minimum, 30 minutes from notice to ignition in downtown Los Angeles. We'd be crazy not to offer specialized freeway lanes to our premium customers. That's just money on the table right there. Fake Robert House: RobCo presents, The Automated Man. I spent a long time trying to make machines more lifelike. Turns out it works the other way around too. Cooper Howard: Last night, I was thinking about when I proposed to you. Catalina. We walked out to that romantic point. The rocks were all covered in seagull shit. I'll never forget the sound it made when I took a knee. You know the thing that I can't figure out? Were you a monster back then? Or did you become one later? Barb Howard: Excuse me? Cooper Howard: War never changes. I know what you're planning to do, Barb. Hank: We never got to discuss "All Quiet", did we? I guess we were waiting until after the wedding. That ending was a real humdinger, wasn't it. Lucy: I didn't finish it. Hank: It's okay. You've been busy. What did you think about the parts that you did read? Lucy: I found it very upsetting. Hank: Can't disagree with you there. What aspect upset you most? To me, what was most troubling was that everyone seemed to be fighting over nothing. The French, the German, what was the difference between really? Other than the uniforms? I saw the same thing up on the Surface. People fighting over the most petty things. Like bottle caps. Is that what you saw when you were there? But you know, some things just never change. People just want to kill each other, don't they? I think it's the only way people feel safe. It's ironic. To feel safe, we have to hurt people. Even kill them. Lucy: I'm bringing you back to Vault 33 to face justice for murdering the citizens of Shady Sands. You have the right to remain silent until the Vault Council assigns you a legal counselor. Hank: For a second there, I thought the Wasteland had changed you. Hank: I did what I did to protect you. But maybe it came at too high a price. And there comes a time in man's life when he has to take responsibility for what he's done. And for me that time has come. You have come, Sugarbomb. Maximus: We'll give it [the Cold Fusion diode] to a good person. Thaddeus: Name a good person. Maximus: That girl I met. Thaddeus: The Vault Dweller? [scoffs] Yeah, I'd be a good person too if I grew up on top of a mountain of food and supplies in some cozy little impenetrable home. I wouldn't look like this, that's for sure. Wouldn't have to steal, and stab, and fib all the goddamn time just to get by. But if we sell it, guess what? Then we'll be rich. And then we'll have the means to be one of those "good people" you're talking about. I've seen a lot of things. Crazy things. But good people? No. Maximus: Where were you born again, Thaddeus? Thaddeus: The Boneyard. The Shithole side of the Boneyard. Maximus: Guess I'm the lucky one. I came from Shady Sands. I remember good people. Thaddeus: Well, if you're the lucky one, we're both screwed. The Ghoul: [trying to fight off going feral] Cooper. My name is Cooper Howard. I have a daughter. Her name is Janey. Janey Howard. She's alive. My daughter's alive. Betty: We are working very hard on the water issue. What we need is time. And I'm sorry, but you don't get extra rations because of who your parents were. Reg: Actually, this is still America, so yes we do! We're all down here because of who our parents were! And who their parents were! Our ancestors put themselves first. And you know what, that worked out for them. And for us. I'm not ashamed of that anymore. Super Mutant: They call us "abominations." But they created our kind. The Ghoul: "Our" kind? You and me got bit by a different motherfucking bug, my friend. Super Mutant: Ghouls, Mutants, we're kin. And we should unite against our common enemy. They drove us to the point of extinction and then forgot we ever existed. But we didn't forget them. The people who set all this in motion. The Enclave. The Ghoul: I've been Wastelanding for two hundred years. Whatever it is I got to do, I got to do alone. Super Mutant: Unh-hunh. And how's that working out for you? The Ghoul: I've kept myself alive for one reason. To find my family. Super Mutant: Well then, you're gonna need friends. But if you won't join our kind, then you can't know where we live. [knocks The Ghoul out] Barb Howard: I know more than you know. There are more than twelve thousand nuclear warheads... Cooper Howard: I am not a board member, I am your husband, and I don't care about your fucking statistics. Barb Howard: Statistics? This is about Janey! Cooper Howard: So for our daughter, you would kill millions of people? Barb Howard: Don't do that! Do not do that... Cooper Howard: Billions of people! Other mothers just like you! Other daughters just like our daughter! Barb Howard: Wouldn't you? For Janey, wouldn't you? Wiltzig: You're just a very replaceable part in this machine. And if you forget your place, you'll die. The same thing will happen to me if I fail to communicate this message. We're all in the same boat. And not one of us can stop it. You know that. You wake up knowing it. Barb Howard: This is not one of your movies with a happy ending. There is nothing we can do. If there was, I would have done it. I have tried to do it. This deal is going forward whether we like it or not. Please, look at me. I am your wife. You know me. Cooper Howard: I don't. I don't know you, Barbara. Barb Howard: Where are you going? Cooper Howard: To fucking do something. Hank: Kumbaya. "The Handoff" [2.07] Joan Harper: There's a flood coming. You keep your head above water any way you can. You get south of that border and you cling to the highest branch you can find, and you survive. If you have to hurt people, God won't judge you. Don't think of them as human beings. Think of them as Americans. Hank: Perfect is the enemy of good, Lucy. Lucy: What does it do to their brains? Hank: Tidies things up a bit. Cleans the memory of the horrors they've experienced. This dial controls how much amnesia they have. And the mainframe implants new ideas in their head. Turning these Wastelanders into well-meaning, good people. Lucy: I'm shutting this whole thing down and bringing you home. How do I do that? Hank: Once the procedure's done, it's irreversible. Lucy: Fine. How do I stop you from making more? Hank: Well, we have to destroy the mainframe which programs the boxes, and that's in the basement. Lucy: How do I get there? Hank: It's a bit of a hike. Let's take the golf cart. Lucy: What's a golf cart? Hank: [amused] Aw. Lucy, this is gonna be fun! Hank: I really wish we'd had a normal life, Sugarbomb. Lucy: We did, Dad. You wrecked it. Lucy: You know, the Legion is still out there. Hank: I know. Lucy: They're gonna hurt a lot of people. Hank: Yes. Lucy: And with what you've created, you could stop them. Hank: We could stop them, Lucy. Maximus: Where are we going? The Ghoul: Lucky 38. Thaddeus: Then we're going in the wrong direction. Vegas is that way. The Ghoul: You wanna save the girl, you're gonna have to get into an impenetrable Vault. Same Vault my family's in. To get there, you're gonna have to cross the Strip. You wanna cross the Strip, you're gonna have to kill a pack of Deathclaws. We need to kit up. Maximus: So Lucy's in Las Vegas? The Ghoul: I can see why the two of you got along so well. Maximus: Why's that? The Ghoul: Cuz you ask a lot of goddamn questions. Maximus: This [the Cold Fusion diode] is for Lucy. She's a good person. She'll do the right thing with it. Cooper Howard: I know you're a good person. And I know you're trying to do the right thing. I want to believe in people like you, that fight for all the right things, but you don't make it easy. I saw you at the VA meeting last week. Why can't good people like you learn to sell it better? Congresswoman Diane Welch: I don't know. How's that worked in your experience? Cooper Howard: They're delivering the most powerful technology in the world to the most powerful man in the world. Robert House wants the diode so he can live forever. And Vaul-Tec gets the bombs in exchange. And when they do that... Diane Welch: They'll be the only ones left. And that's what they want. Cooper Howard: I know how's being transported. If I could deliver it to you, I'll need assurances. No offense, but... Diane Welch: No, I get it. I wouldn't give it to me either. But if it helps, two hours ago an unmarked government plane landed at McCarran Airport. The President of the United States is in Las Vegas. How would you feel about giving it directly to him? Cooper Howard: You can get me a meeting with the President? Diane Welch: Yes. Cooper Howard: That would work. Diane Welch: You give him the diode, and we can put an end to 25 years of Resource Wars tonight. The Ghoul: You wanna give that thing to a good person so they can save the world. I understand that. But in order to save that good person, you're gonna have to give it to a really bad person. The Ghoul: In all my years, I ain't never seen but one person come out on top in Vegas. We gotta do it like he did. Maximus: And what's that exactly? [The Ghoul lowers a curtain, revealing a full set of NCR Power Armor] The Ghoul: Rig the game. Betty: You're so much like how I remember you. We were scared of you. But I sometimes forget how much I learned in the time you were still under. Betty: Whatever you're up to, I want no part of it. I just want these people to live in peace. Steph: The deal was for the water, Betty. I can't speak for the future. That's bigger than us. Thaddeus: Why are they all staring at us? The Ghoul: Never underestimate the power of brand recognition. Hank: The New California Republic. They're just like the Legion. They all have their problems, Lucy. High taxes, expansionist tendencies, unpopular foreign policies. Trust me, you'll understand when you're older. Lucy: I think I do understand. One is murdering people, enslaving them, crucifying them. And other side is...vaguely problematic. You know, I have to admit, you always were a good father. Thanks to you, I'm not a fudging idiot. Norm: Hello? This is Norm MacLean from Vault 33. Lucy, if you're out there, I'm on the Surface. I need your help. Dad, if you can hear me...what's gonna happen to our Vault? Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell us the truth? Barb Howard: The only way to save our family is to save the world. Simple. Lucy: Oh...Dinah. AI Robert House: Well hello, old chum. "The Strip" [2.08] Lacerta Legate: Together we will reclaim the holy land they call Vegas. There, we'll build a palace worthy of our empire. Caesar's Palace. AI Robert House: Well hello, old chum. What did I tell you when we first met? The Ghoul: The House Always Wins. Winning might be overrated, Robert. Cuz them swimming pools outside used to be full. The Ghoul: [pointing a gun at the diode] What happens if I shoot this thing? AI Robert House: Unclear. There's only ever been one of them, so it would be fresh snow from a scientific standpoint. But if it were to expel all of its energy simultaneously? The damage would likely extend to other planets. So I would exercise extreme caution. AI Robert House: Like it or not, Mister Howard, everyone works for me eventually. Maximus: "Weapons Activated?" Hot dog. Diane Welch: Kill me. Lucy: Oh please no. Why does everybody always want me to kill them all the time? Diane Welch: Kill me. Please. Stop him. AI Robert House: Vault-Tec wanted an impenetrable Vault buried half a mile below the city. But I was always one step ahead. I rigged every aspect of this city so I could protect its future. I rigged every slot machine, every roulette wheel. I even rigged their "impenetrable Vault for Management." But I miscalculated. Because this Vault belongs not to Vault-Tec, but to their investors. I never fathomed that there could be someone one step ahead of me. AI Robert House: When it came to predicting the end of the world, I was off by just a smidge. But when it came to controlling the future, I was wholly outclassed by an invisible adversary. It was they who set the Deathclaws on Vegas. And now one of their acolytes is here, in this very building. Hank: Robert House wanted to turn human beings into machines. Erase their memories, make them suggestible enough to following his orders. You know Robert, he was a bit of a robot himself. And who wants to live in a world full of robots? So what I was trying to do was add a little personality to his product. Lucy: Who was she? Hank: Congresswoman Diane Welch, from Glendale. ISTP on the old Myers-Briggs. Which is still the gold standard for personnel. Ideal personality to scale. With the kind of attributes we could stand to see more of out there in the world if you ask me. Well-meaning, sweet, non-threatening. Lucy: Then why would you do that to her? Hank: Well...Daddy's job is complicated, sweetie. AI Robert House: The Enclave's eyes are everywhere. You should know, Mister Howard. Two hundred years ago you delivered that diode into their possession yourself. You helped bring forth the greatest threat to the Wasteland. You were their unwitting servant. The Ghoul: I am what I am. AI Robert House: Is that what you'll tell your family when you find them? Barb Howard: After all this, I'm thinking Bakersfield isn't such a bad idea. Cooper Howard: After all this, I'm thinking we go as far as Colorado. Hank: Miniaturization. It's the wave of the future. Soon we won't know who's been automated and who hasn't. Just a little scar on your neck. Other than that...you'll be my little girl again. Lucy: [horrified] You're insane! Hank: You don't mean that. And if you do, very soon you won't. Croupier: You know if he loses, we're all dead, right? Gambler: [shrugs] I'm still in for twenty. The Ghoul: [after wounding Hank] If it was up to me, it wouldn't be your ass bleeding out all over the floor. [slides Lucy a pistol] But it ain't up to me. What say you, Vaultie? Rodriguez: We got it from here. Lucy: I spent my whole life dreaming of what it would be like to come up to the Surface one day. With you. Hank: I just wanted to make all this worthy of you. You know, I was almost looking forward to going back to the Vaults with you. It would have been nice to see everyone again. Norm, Betty, Stephanie...hoo boy, Stephanie. But we're not going back, are we? Lucy: Guess the Surface changes a person. Lucy: You lied to me my whole life. Hank: I know that's how you feel. You think this is the real world. The Surface is the experiment, not the Vaults. I've already sent my R&D out into the Wasteland. Their boxes are the latest models too. Can't even see them. Unbeknownst to everyone, they're following orders written for them centuries ago. Lucy: Orders to do what? What did you do? Hank: I love you, Sugarbomb. [erases his own mind] Steph: This is Stephanie Harper. Hank MacLean's wife. I don't know how this works exactly, but he said you were always listening. If you can hear this: Initiate Phase Two. Robert House: I want you to know that it wasn't me. Cooper Howard: What wasn't you? Robert House: Whatever it is that's about to happen. I told you, there are far worse people than I, Mister Howard. [The Ghoul find Barb Howard's pod. It is empty.] AI Robert House: What a shame. You bet on hope, Mister Howard. And you lost. [Inside the pod is a postcard for Colorado, with Barb's handwriting, "Colorado was a good idea."] The Ghoul: For the first time in two hundred long-ass years, I know my family is alive. Lucy: There's gonna be a war and it's all my fault. Maximus: Yeah, well...welcome to the Wasteland. 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