Joan Rivers

thumb|right|Rivers in 1967 Joan Alexandra Rosenberg (June 8, 1933 – September 4, 2014), known by her stage name Joan Rivers, was an American actress, comedian, writer, producer and television host, best known for her stand-up comedy, for co-hosting the E! celebrity fashion show Fashion Police, and for starring in the reality series Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best? alongside her daughter Melissa Rivers. Quotes There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. Quoted in L.A. Times (10 May 1974), as reported in The Yale Book of Quotations (2006), p. 638 [Catchphrase:] Can we talk? Quoted in Wash. Post (24 Aug. 1982), as reported in The Yale Book of Quotations (2006), p. 638 [Catchphrase:] Oh, grow up! Frequent response to an audience's groans or reactions to her remarks. Why do wives have to spend so much time dusting, vacuuming, mopping, making beds, washing dishes, when you just have to do it all again six months later? As quoted in Enjoy Your Gifted Child (1986), by C. A. Takacs, p. 55 Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer. As quoted in R. Byrne, Third and Possibly the Best 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (1987) I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir." As quoted in R. Byrne, Third and Possibly the Best 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (1987) I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. On her plastic surgeries, quoted in The New York Times, 2008 (republished in The New York Daily News My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy. Joan Rivers on BBC 2 (23 February 1990), as reported in The Quotable Jewish Woman (2004), by E. Partnow, p. 179 Never floss with a stranger. As quoted in Words of Wisdom (1990), ed. by W. Safire & L. Safir, p. 358 It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up. Reported in The Quotable Quote Book (Carol Publishing Group, 1990), p. 258 Two is company; three is fifty bucks. Reported in The Quotable Quote Book (1990), p. 258 Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear. As quoted in Reader's Digest Quotable Quotes (1997), p. 87 Looking fifty is great—if you're sixty. As quoted in Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions (2000), p. 21 I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. As quoted in Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions (2000), p. 101 A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 147 My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 213 I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 272 I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. As quoted in The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (2003), by R. Byrne, 94 Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.' As quoted in On Being Blonde: Wit and Wisdom from the World's Most Infamous Blondes (2004), by P. Munier, p. 83 I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. As quoted in On Being Blonde (2004), by P. Munier, p. 84 My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. As quoted in On Being Blonde (2004), by P. Munier, p. 84 You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. Reported in The Quote Manual: Wisdom and Wit of the Ages (2005), by R. G. Moscatelli, p. 201 People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made. As quoted in Seriously Funny (2009), by G. Nachman, p. 606 I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later you have to start all over again. As quoted in Women Talk, edited by Michèle Brown & Ann OʼConnor (1984) Misattributed Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. David Seabury, as quoted in The Forbes Scrapbook of Thoughts on the Business of Life (1950), p. 248 Quotes about Rivers No one loved life, laughter and a good time more than Joan. We would have dinner and laugh and gossip and I always left the table smiling. She was a brassy, often outrageous and hilarious performer who made millions laugh. In private, she was the picture of elegance and class. I will miss her. Barbara Walters, "Stars, others react to death of Joan Rivers", Reuters (4 September 2014) External links Official website Category:Actresses from New York City Category:Comedians from New York City Category:Producers from the United States Category:Stand-up comedians from the United States Category:Television personalities Category:1933 births Category:2014 deaths Category:Barnard College alumni Category:Women born in the 1930s Category:Jewish American actresses Category:Voice actresses