Two and a Half Men (season 7)

Season 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 | Main Two and a Half Men (2003–2015) is a TV series original centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in. 818-jklpuzo [7.1] [While Mia is singing incredibly badly in a recording studio, the music operator gives Charlie an incredulous look] Charlie: I know, it's hard to believe I'm not banging her. Operator: Then why are we here? Charlie: She's an old friend and I'm helping her out. Operator: You really wanna help her? Sneak up behind her with a big rock. Whipped Unto the Third Generation [7.2] Mmm, Fish. Yum. [7.3] Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator [7.4] For the Sake of the Child [7.5] Alan: [Reading a self-help book] Okay, name three things you would change about me. Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address. Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears and your address. Alan: That stopped being funny a week ago. Charlie: Judges? Berta: Still funny. [Charlie and Alan are playing a Word game in which they insult each other with letters of the alphabet] Alan: You are a lush! Charlie: You are a leech! Alan: You are a misogynist! Charlie: You are a mistake! Alan: You are a... What are we up to? Charlie: N. Alan: Thank you. You are a necrophiliac! Charlie: She was drunk, not dead, I challenge! Alan: Okay, fine. You are a narcissist. Charlie: Better. You are a nancy-boy. Alan: You are old! Charlie: You are oddly-shaped. Alan: [Phone rings] Hang on. Charlie: You are a parasite. Alan: Not your turn. [Answers phone] Hello. Oh, hey, Judith. What's up? What do you mean what happened with Jake? We had a nice weekend. Well, we went driving, to the movies, um, ice cream. Charlie: Quack, rectal, suckwad! Alan: [To Charlie] I never got my "P". Charlie: All you do is pee. Alan: [To Judith] What? What? Nothing. Just a little word game. You know, exercise the brain. [To Charlie] Twit! Charlie: Turd burglar! Alan: [To Judith] Judith, I don't know what Jake's problem is. We had a terrific weekend. Huh. [To Charlie] Jake says he doesn't wanna come here anymore. Charlie: Really? Why? Alan: I don't know. [To Judith] Did he say why? Charlie and I don't bicker. I mean, no more than any other couple of guys. [To Charlie] Right? Charlie: Right! Oh, oh, oh! You are a eunuch! Alan: That's E, not U. Learn to spell. Useless! [to Judith] Look, I don't know what to tell you. He's a teenager. He'll get over it. Okay. Okay. Bye-bye. [hangs up] Well, I hope you're happy. Charlie: I haven't been happy in seven years. Alan: For your information, I will not have been here seven years until next fall. Charlie: Oh, good to know. Circle the date on the calendar so I'll know when to hang myself. Alan: Ha, ha. Funny. It's because of you, Jake doesn't wanna come here anymore. Great. Charlie: Tell me what I did so I can do it to you! Alan: God, you are such a... What are we up to? Charlie: V. Alan: Varmint! You are a varmint. Charlie: Yeah, well, you are a vagina! Alan: You're calling me a vagina? Charlie: No, no, no. No, that's too good for you. What you are is vagina-adjacent. Berta: You know, for some women, this could be considered a hostile work environment. Give Me Your Thumb [7.6] Untainted by Filth [7.7] Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. [7.8] Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair [7.9] That's Why They Call It Ball Room [7.10] Warning, It's Dirty [7.11] Fart Jokes, Pie, and Celeste [7.12] Charlie: So what's the plan? Jake: I'm gonna finish writing her this song and then I'm gonna sing it to her. Charlie: Ok uh, is that the entire plan? Jake: No, I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt. Charlie: Oh, pulling out the big guns. Alan: You can't do this, Judith, you cannot keep us apart. Herb and I will find a way to be together. Mailman: Hi. Alan: Hi, that must have sounded kinda strange. Mailman: Not at all. Herb is a very handsome man. Charlie: You know, you make it really difficult to love you sometimes. Jake: Yeah, that's what my mom says. Jake: I miss Celeste. Charlie: I miss Chelsea. Alan: I miss Herb... I mean, Sex and the City, I miss Sex And The City. Charlie: Yeah, Alan, that's much less gay. Yay, No Polyps [7.13] Charlie: I need something cooling and soothing. You could roast a marshmallow on my anus. Jake: You know what would be good for dessert? S'mores. Category:Two and a Half Men seasons