Men in Black: The Series/Season 2

The Little Big Man Syndrome [2.1] K: You’re certain a Fmeck stole your exosuit? Cyrus the Arquillian: Positive. J: Fmeck? K: From the planet Fmoo. About yay high, sworn enemy of the Arquillians. J: Same size as you. Why don’t you just whack them upside the head? Cyrus: We Arquillians are a peace-loving species. K: Martin Luther King, John Lennon, Raffi. J: Wait, hold up… John Lennon was an Arquillian? What’s Ringo? K and Cyrus: The drummer. [Agent J clumsily struggles to pilot an Arquillian mech suit and ends up crashing around.] K: And he wonders why I don't let him drive the LTD. The Quick Clone Syndrome [2.2] K: Oversaturation. Explosion imminent. J: What do we do about that, K? K: Jump. [The two jump off the building to escape the explosion] J: There's more to the plan, right? K: Anti-gravity shoes! J: Funny, I don't remember being issued a pair of those! K: Zed must like me better than you! Alpha: [trying to upload memories from Zed's brain] You were somewhat devastated when your dog contracted rabies and you had to... shoot him. Zed: That's the end of Old Yeller, you mooncap! Alpha: ... So it is. But a memory, nonetheless. J: These thirty-seven-hour Centaurian days are frying my brain, L. L: You're not the only one working long hours. J: How do you do it, then? L: I... have my methods. The festive duck stomp is one way to put your carp together and matriculate. J: I must be loosing consciousness. Could have sworn you just said-- L: The garden gnome prances when my long johns are filled with cheese... (melts) L: You've been there for quite a while. Maybe you should give #2 a shot. J clone 1: No. No. I can hang. I still feel real. L: You all do, number 1. Until the babbling starts. And you find yourself melting faster than a waterlogged wicked witch. Quick Clone of J: That's close enough, Alfalfa. Now you just move your fashion plate butt away from K. (Alpha backs off) That's right. Don't want all the king's men putting eggshell in my little red tugboat. When flapjacks fly, yo yo gotta clip the toenails to sweet... sweet... (melts) L: If you're so rested, shouldn't you be heading back? J: With two more clones in the closet? All work and no play makes J grow up to be just like K. J Quick Clone 1: You okay? J Quick Clone 2: Feeling fine. My noodles are magnificent with [melts] J Quick Clone 3: When it's your time, it's your time. [Agent J gets knocked flat on his back by the evil version of him that Alpha created. A long, sharp blade grows from Alpha J's arm.] J: You sure you wanna do that? I mean, I'm kinda like a father to you, brother. [The Alpha J clone prepares to stab the real J but gets interrupted.] J Quick Clone 1: You heard the man. That's no way to treat family. J Quick Clone 2: Word. J Quick Clone 3: We got his back, brother. [The Agent J quick clones shoot the Alpha-created clone of J, killing it.]] The Heads You Lose Syndrome [2.3] The Dog Eat Dog Syndrome [2.4] Frank: Drekk? Uh... Never heard of him. You're barking up the wrong tree. J: Funny. Thought you guys were tight. K: Cell mates? Zartakla prison? Frank: Look. All I know is what everybody knows. Guy's a certified psycho. The whole time we shared a cell together, all he could talk about was getting even with everyone who ever crossed him since the first grade. (scene cuts to a flashback of Drekk and Frank sharing a jail cell) Drekk: And the judge who put me away. Know what I'm gonna do when I get my hands on him? Frank: (reading a magazine) Surprise me. Drekk: I'm gonna boil him alive. Real slow. And the guy who cut in front of me in the mess hall. Know what I'm gonna do to him? Frank: Give him a wedgie? Drekk: No. I'm gonna boil him alive. Real slow. (Grabs Frank by the throat, knocking the magazine out of his paws) Just like I would boil you, Frank! If you EVER CROSS ME!! (flashback ends and we cut back to modern day) Frank: Uh... I don't know nothin' about Drekk. K: Nothing? Frank: Well, maybe one thing. He picks. K: Locks? J: Pockets? Frank: His feet. It's disgusting! All day, all night. Talk about revenge, pick his feet. Pick his feet, talk about revenge. Drove me nuts! J: You're so chic? You scratch yourself in public! Frank: Hello!? I'm in a dog suit! It's part of the act! I'm a real sophisticate under this mangy skin, you know. The Big Bad Bug Syndrome [2.5] Edwin the Bug: So you're the "Man" in Black who 86'ed my brother? L: You must mean Edgar. I see a resemblance. Edwin: I'm much better looking. Worm 1: So, what we after? Worm 2: What we after? J: A Bug. [Silence] J: A big, bad one. Worm 3: Bugs eat Worms! Worm 4: When they're not eating sugar! Worm 1: Maybe we'll just... Worm 2: ... head down to the cafés for a cup of Joe. K: Not in your birthday suits, you won't. [The Worms giggle sheepishly] L: So, why am I still alive, er... Adam? Dung the Bug: Dung. L: [repulsed] Pretty name. Dung: Queenie wants you alive. Wants to flay you herself. L: Aren't you going to eat before the long trip? Dung: I just said she wants you alive! L: I mean sugar. Dung: No. I got 10,000lbs of Queenie's Royal Jelly waiting for me back home. That's the bounty on your head. Edwin the Bug: [after capturing L, J and K] This is the way we triple our pay, triple our pay, triple our pay! Frank: You ought to get a doggie door, Zeddie. Zed: No, I ought to get a sign: "No mutts allowed!" The Jack O'Lantern Syndrome [2.6] Creepy old woman: Jack O'Lantern steals away children on all-hallows eve. And sucks out their bones to make their parents grieve. U: That's what makes you you, sir. K: You're U. I'm K. Worm 3: I'm Agent K. MIB's finest. Worm 4: Agent J. I'm with him. J: That so? How am I supposed to tell you two apart? [Worm 3 pulls out a toy resembling a standard MIB blaster and Worm 4 pulls out one resembling the Noisy Cricket] J: (Grunts) Worm Cuppa Joe: What did Zed say? Is he sending backup? Worm Percolator: What are we gonna do? Worm Cuppa Joe: Jack's gonna suck out J's bones! J: Nobody's suckin' out my bones! Worm Cuppa Joe: Not you J, worm J! Worm Percolator: He's always getting into scrapes! Worm Cuppa Joe: He's the rookie. Frank: K! Boy, am I glad to see you! K: You're never glad to see me, Frank. What's got your tail in a tangle? Frank: I got bit! By a werewolf! K: What did he look like? Frank: Terrier. Jack Russel. Mean. K: What makes you think that this terrier was a lycanthrope? Frank: Hello!? It bit me! On Halloween night! Under a full moon! You're a bright guy. Do the math. K: Don' know why you called me, Frank. Supernatural is outside of MIB jurisdiction. Frank: Who you gonna call? K: Recommend a rabies shot. You don't know where that terrier's been. Frank: If I sprout hair at midnight and start howling at the moon, it's gonna be on your head, K! [The worms all walk around in a circle] Worm Cuppa Joe: Now, we're dealing with the supernatural. Worm Percolator: Very scary! Worm K: Which means we can't rely on our usual methods. [The worms stop walking and look at each other] Worms: (in unison) The spell! J: Why didn't I think of that? Worm Cuppa Joe: The old crone told us about a spell... Worm Percolator: That will send Mr. O'Lantern... Worm K: Back to the pumpkin patch! Worm Cuppa Joe: Wishing he'd never been hatched! We'll need a big brown onion... Worm Percolator: You sure it wasn't a red onion? Worm K: And the fat of a hog! Worm Percolator: That would be lard? J: Is this a spell or a recipe? Worm Cuppa Joe: And a bell! Worm Percolator: You sure it wasn't a bellpepper? The Sonic Boom Syndrome [2.7] Edi: I'm not interested in doing this alone, J. I just... don't wanna make you look bad anymore. J: Well... don't you worry about that. It's hard for me to look anything but good. Edi: [looks at J weird] J: When I'm not wearing one of these. The Bad Seed Syndrome [2.8] L: Hmm. I shouldn't. J: Get your grub on, girl. How often do we get to enjoy a spread like this? U: First Friday of every month. Morale boosting gatherings like these are why Zed's the top man. J: Appretiate the inside scoop, U. Mmm. Can't wait to suck up this chow. U: I heard that. K: Slick? J: Something's going down. I got a big ugly shrub in L's lab. L: (to Frank) You went into my lab!? Frank: Thought the sign said "Lavatory". I was gonna bust! The Fmall Fmall World Syndrome [2.9] Emperor Fmerv: Beings of Earth! We are the Fmecks! Formerly of Planet Fmoo. Formerly because Fmoo was annihilated by a death ray. Which we had intended for the Arquillians. That's right. Though small by your standards, we are wholly capable of mass destruction! Ugh. I'm not sure about this copy. Director: Cut! What's the problem, your highness? Emperor Fmerv: Our own death ray backfired on us! Is that really something we want to advertise? Director: I think the message we are trying to get across is that we are so ruthless that we'll even destroy the thing we love the most. Emperor Fmerv: Whatever. The planet will be ours by the time this broadcasts anyway. Director: Okay. Once more. From the top as written. And rolling! Emperor Fmerv: Beings of Earth! We are the Fmecks! Formerly of Planet Fmo! (looks at paper) Fmo... Can I do that again? Fmitch: Anybody see the professor? Fmartin: Uh-uh. Fmatthew: No, Fmitch. Fmario: Un-un. Fmelvin: How are we supposed to kidnap the guy if we don't even know what he looks like? [the others all gasp] Fmitch: !!... Don't question your squad leader, Fmelvin! Keep looking! The Black Christmas Syndrome [2.10] J: Frank! Wassup? Frank: I'm freezing my tukus off here! J: Merry Christmas. (leaves a present for Frank) Frank: I'm Jewish. Drekk: And to all a good night! J: Ye Merry Gentlemen in Black! That's what I'm talkin' about! Zed: Santa Claus is back in town. That's what I'm talking about. J: Wow. Keys. He he... The LTD? K: Executive washroom. Linen towels, cologne dispenser... J: I'm touched... J: (on his communication device) Need a clean-up. Something big, red, and fat went down a chimney. And it wasn't Santa. The Supermen in Black Syndrome [2.11] K: The one that got away? Make sure it doesn't. J: Mud pie. Can't wait to check out the filling. J: Maybe you didn't notice, but I'm leapin' around like some... leapin' guy. K: I noticed. J: And you look even more chisiled than usual. Psilo: "Space Invaders take Mudbath". Phone home to mother. We're celebrities. (Volitia turns the page in the Hotsheets) What's this? An item of even greater interest. Volitia: An advertisement? Psilo: An invitation. (it turns out to be an ad for the Tamosotronic Amplifier) Volitia: It slices, it dices... Psilo: It made us what we are today. Volitia: Allow four to six weeks for delivery. Psilo: Why? When we could have it now? L: Sorry. I thought my head was gonna go scanner. J: Uncle Sam wants you to put the President to bed and make sure the first kitty's litterbox is clean. Jeebs: [holding a comic book] Can you believe humans actually read this junk!? Frank: Sugarcoats the plight of aliens living on Earth, let me tell ya. Jeebs: Tch! Funny books! They're a tissue of lies! Frank: Yeah, you don't see me wearing a cape like... er... what's his name? Jeebs: Oh, yeah. I know the guy. Leaps tall, and he's stronger than something or other, and, he's faster than something... Frank: That's him. He lands on Earth and what does he get? Loving parents, good looks, a career in journalism, and babes. Jeebs: And he does it all in a leotard! Frank: Oh... Mui macho! Jeebs: Why are we talking like he's real? Frank: He's not? J: Raiders got con-ed, and F-15, and a neutron bomb! L: We got brains, brawn, and... Jack-be-nimble. J: See Jack go. L: Go, Jack. Go. J: You trying to sauté us? L: Gee, I don't see you cartwheeling us back to shore. The Star System Syndrome [2.12] J: Space Demon went too far. K: Pieces still don't fit, slick. J: What!? The Space Demon practically confessed! He rubbed out Prey and Predeterminator because he's envious of his imitators. He did Etalffap because he couldn't take being roasted on national TV. And an hour after he told us how much he hated Astrotots, one of them got whacked! The Blackguard Syndrome [2.13] [Agent L hears knocking on the Blackguard's bay doors] L: Doesn't that door lead to... airless space? Dak: Sensors reactivated. Look sharp, everyone. Sugar daddy's coming aboard. L: "Sugar daddy"? [Alpha appears] Dak: Alpha, baby! [Alpha stares at him] Dak: Uh, sir! J: You know, I've always wanted to be an astronaut. K: You don't have the training, slick. J: Neither did L. Till MIB gave it to her! K: Don't get your head stuck in the clouds, ace. You're of more use to earth on earth. J: (draws a frowny face) Don't get to drive, don't get to go into outer space... Dak: Big difference between me and my bro: I like the sting!