All That/Season 1

Phil Moore/TLC [1.01] [The show opening] Announcer [Soup]: "Not quite live, but ready for primetime, from Nickelodeon Studios in Orlando, Florida…it’s All That!" (The very first Miss Fingerly sketch) Miss Fingerly [Denberg]: Now, take out your textbooks, and turn to chapter… (She notices that one of the students is chewing his gum) Miss Fingerly: Young man, are you chewing gum? Hmmmm? Well, if you want to chew gum, you’re going to have to bring some for the rest of the class, understand? Student [Server]: Um…yes, Miss Fingerly. Miss Fingerly: Good. Now, take out your textbooks, and turn to chap-…ter… (Another student is listening to her radio, with her headphones on; she is presumably listening to "Doggie Rap", from the episode "Doug's Pet Capades [©1993] of the Nicktoon Doug [©1991-1994], created by Jim Jinkins) Miss Fingerly: Young lady, you know the rules. Did you bring large radios for the rest of the class, hmmmm? Student #2 (Bates): Yes I did, Miss Fingerly! (She gives her other radios to the other students; Miss Fingerly notices another student is eating chocolate pudding) Miss Fingerly: What are you eating there, young man? Student #3 (Mitchell): Um, just pudding, Miss Fingerly. Miss Fingerly: Oh, I see. Well, I also see you don’t have some for the rest of the class, do you? Student #3: Just one moment, please. (He leaves, and returns with a green wheelbarrow filled with chocolate pudding and whipped cream, with a cherry that's at least the size of his head) Student #3: Pudding, everybody? (The other students cheer, and help themselves to the pudding) Miss Fingerly: All right; now, that is not funny! (The younger brother of Student #3 enters) Miss Fingerly: Who are you, hmmmm?! You’re not in this class, young man! Student #3: Oh, I’m sorry, Miss Fingerly. This is my little brother. I brought him here so he could watch today. Miss Fingerly (to Student #3): This is unacceptable; you know the rules! Student #3: You know I do, Miss Fingerly. C’mon, gang! (His brother’s seven classmates enter; and both classes start singing ‘Whoomp!’ [©1993] by Tag Team; Miss Fingerly screams and buries her face in the pudding in the wheelbarrow) Announcer (Soup): And now, a special musical performance. Little Orphan Annie [Johnson, singing]: ♪The sun should come out…tomorrow…bet a lot of dollars that…♪ (Plaster falls out of the ceiling and lands all over her) (A man [Dan Schneider] gets out of bed late at night and goes into the kitchen for a snack; his refrigerator is oozing purple slime [this is the only colored aspect of this particular sketch; otherwise, the sketch is black-and-white], and when he opens the door, he screams in horror; cut to a scientist and a police officer examining the slime on the floor) Scientist [Thompson]: Don’t touch it! Police officer [Reyes]: Do you know what it is? Scientist: I’m almost certain, but we have to talk to the family. (Cut to them questioning the man's wife, son, and daughter) Officer: What did you eat for dinner last night, ma’am? Mother [Denberg]: Leftover meatloaf. Scientist: For lunch? Son [Server]: Leftover meatloaf and cheese. Officer: For breakfast? Daughter [Johnson]: Leftover meatloaf and eggs. Scientist: What kind of meat was it? Mother: I’m not sure. It was mostly loaf. Officer: When did you first cook it? Son: Wednesday. Daughter: Tuesday. Mother: Three weeks ago, Monday. Scientist: I knew it. It confirms my test. Mother: What is it? Scientist: It’s G. L. O. R. P.! Family: What?! Scientist: That’s right…Gooey Left Over Refrigerator Pus. Better known as…G. L. O. R. P.. Mother: But what’s happened to my husband?! Scientist: It’s very simple. You see, the diatical chloride crystals in the thermostatic fluid of today’s refrigerators metamorphosizes the free radicals in any food left over for 7 consecutive days. Officer: In other words, if you don’t eat it, it eats you. Daughter (sadly): The G. L. O. R. P. ate my Daddy?! Scientist: No, not all of him; probably just his brain. Scientist [noticing that the purple slime has formed a trail]: I found the trail; c’mon. (The scientist has noticed a trail of purple slime leading from the refrigerator to the closet in the kitchen; everybody follows it, and suddenly they hear what appears to be an ambulance siren) Daughter: The ambulance is here! Scientist: That’s no ambulance. (He opens the door; inside, the father [Schneider] is making the siren noise) Scientist: That’s the work of G. L. O. R. P.. Narrator: The events you’ve just witnessed are real, and can happen to you. Only the names have been changed to protect the G. L. O. R. P.. So, remember, the next time you leave leftovers in your refrigerator, be careful, beware, and be… (The narrator also begins to imitate an ambulance siren) (The first "Baggin' Saggin' Barry" sketch) Narrator (Soup): And now, the adventures of Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry… Scout leader (Mitchell; blows whistle): Now, listen up! I have an important announcement to make! But before I do, remember…Junior Badger Buddies do not panic, right?! Junior Badger Buddies (Denberg, Server, Bates, Reyes, and Johnson; in unison): RIGHT! Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry (Thompson): Uh; oh, yeah; right. Scout leader: We’re lost! (Every Junior Badger Buddy except Barry screams in panic) Junior Badger Buddy #5 (Johnson): DO something! Scout leader: I’m trying; I’m trying! Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry: Yo; chill, man; this ain’t your thing… Scout leader: Oh, really, Mr. Bagging Sagging Barry! And I suppose you’re gonna save us with those clown pants! Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry: Yep. You want light? (He pulls a lantern out of his pants) Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry: Check it out! (The other Junior Badger Buddies exclaim, delightedly) Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry: Thank you. Thank you very much; thank you. Junior Badger Buddy #2 (Server): I’m hungry! Scout leader: There’s plenty of roots and berries and… Junior Badger Buddy #4 (Reyes; sadly): I want a tuna sandwich… Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry: No problem. (He pulls a 2½-foot-long tuna fish out of his pants) Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry: Mayo… (He pulls a jar of mayonnaise out of his pants) Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry: …and…the bread. (He pulls a loaf of French bread out of his pants) Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute… (He pulls two bottles of soda out of his pants) Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry: Regular…or caffeine free? (The Junior Badger Buddies chant “Baggin Saggin Barry!…” several times before the scout leader interrupts them) Scout leader: Hold it, hold it, hold it! What if it begins to rain, or bears start prowlin’ around? Are you gonna run to Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry, or to me?! Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry: Before you answer that… (He removes a tent from his pants) Junior Badger Buddy #3 (Bates): It’s a tent! Junior Badger Buddies (chanting): Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry! Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry!… Scout leader: I suppose you have a TV in there! (Barry grins at the audience; cut to everybody using the other things that Barry has removed from his pants, e.g. a lounge chair, pool table, and pinball machine, as well as a TV) Scout leader: 186 channels?! How does he do it? Junior Badger Buddy #3: Ready? Begin! All (in unison): I pledge allegiance to Barry’s pants, and all the stuff inside; and from the rain, or sleet or snow, in Barry’s pants will hide… (A helicopter arrives; the whirring of its rotors can be heard offscreen) Junior Badger Buddy #1 (Denberg): The helicopter’s here! (Everybody calls out to get the pilot’s attention) Scout leader: I admit it, Barry! You saved us! You know, being out here with all you kids, well…it kinda makes me wish I had a kid of my own. (Barry removes a baby girl wearing pink pajamas and wrapped in a cornflower blue swaddling cloth from his pants [presumably, she was abandoned and he rescued her], and hands her to the scout leader) Junior Badger Buddies: Awwwwww... Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry: There ya go…scout leader. Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry (to the audience): It’s all in the pants! All (chanting): Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry! Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry! Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry!… Sinbad (cameo): Now, that…was All That. Steve Urkel #1 [Bates]: Laura, my sweet, are you out there; can you hear me, my darling? Steve Urkel #2 [Mitchell]: Who said that? Steve Urkel #1: Who wants to know? Steve Urkel #2: Me, that’s who! Steve Urkel #1: Why, you’re not me; I’m me! Steve Urkel #2: Oh, yeah? Puh-roove it! Steve Urkel #1: My, my; what a gorgeous vision of loveliness! Steve Urkel #2: Did I do that? (They continue arguing indistinctly, and end by laughing and snorting) Sinbad (cameo): Who are those kids? Lori Beth Denberg: You *won't* impress the school principal by telling him, You're a pretty school principal...pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty; yes, you are.... Da Brat [1.02] Announcer [Soup]: Not quite live, but ready for primetime! Get ready...get set...it's All That! Bill Cosby: Eat at least one gallon of yellow pudding every day".(He often brought a bowl of vanilla pudding) If you like cheese, then I suggest you try one of the any new cheese-flavored yellow puddings. We got Parmesan pudding, we got Provolone pudding, and Mozzarella pudding, and also Munster pudding (which I enjoy every Halloween). TLC [1.03] Announcer [Soup]: "Fresh out the box! Stop, look, and watch! Ready yet? Get set! It's All That!" Lemonade Scammer [after giving a customer free but spicy peanuts]: Those peanuts were soaked overnight in jalapeño pepper juice. I call 'em 'jalapeanuts'. Is that cute, or what? Lemonade Scammer: [to a customer] Thirsty? Customer [Server]: Lemonade, please. Lemonade Scammer: Five bucks. Customer: Five bucks? That's a lot of money. Lemonade Scammer: Well, you seem a lot of thirsty. Lemonade Scammer [crying, while holding an audience member's puppy]: My Mom said, if I don't sell enough lemonade, she'll sell my puppy! Lemonade Scammer [crying]: I went to all the trouble to find your golf ball, and you won't even buy any lemonade! [Ishboo is a foreign exchange student from an unknown country.] Other character [Denberg]: "Ishboo...where are you from?" Ishboo: "Thank you for asking!" Ishboo: [to the security guard] Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will leave quietly. (Security guard falls asleep.) Oh, well; close enough. Ishboo: (to Dr. Prober [Mitchell]) "Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will put the needle down and walk out the door." (Dr. Prober slams the needle down, sits on it, and yells, slamming everything down and running out of the door.) Other character [Denberg]: (sneezes) Ishboo: "WALLY-WALLY-WOO!" (He hides behind a sofa) Ishboo: "In my foreign land, it is only proper that when one sneezes, you shout and dive behind furniture." Immature [1.04] Lori Beth Denberg: Girls don't like it when boys take their sandwich and run away screaming, "Hey, look who's got your sandwich now!". When you cough something up, never take it to school and tell people it's your new friend...Robert. Don't pour soup on yourself and then run around shouting, "HEY, EVERYBODY, LOOK AT ME; I'M...SOUPGIRL!" Never put glue on a cow and then taunt him by saying, "Sticky cow, sticky cow; WOO-OO, sticky cow!" Mr. Bailey [Tim Goodwin; later played by Dan Schneider]: Ed, E-E-Ed, Ed? Listen closely now. It's very important that you sell as many Good Weenies as possible. Ed: Oh; have I ever let you down? Mr. Bailey: Yes; many times. Oh, here come some customers. Now, remember; sell, sell, sell! Good luck. Butter Boy: "Superdude, why don't you rub up against me?" Craig Mack [1.05] Alex [Server; on the phone]: No kidding! You did? You found my dog? You found Snuggles? All right. All right; I'll be right over, okay? [He hangs up and can't remember the address] 340 Barfield Road...314 Barfield Road? 340. No...I think...well...guess I'll just find out when I get there. (He leaves; meanwhile, a girl named Julie is getting ready for a date with her boyfriend) Julie's mother [Denberg]: We're so excited about meeting your new boyfriend! Julie's father [Tim Goodwin]: I hope he's better than your last boyfriend; the one with the tattoo on his tongue. Julie [Reyes]: Oh, Dad... [The doorbell rings; it's Alex] That's him! I gotta go gargle! Oh, no! [She runs upstairs; her parents open the door] Alex: Hi; um, I'm not sure if I have the right address... Julie's father: Sure ya do! Come on in, young man; come on in! There ya go! Right over here. Alex: Oh, great. So, where's my little Snuggles? Julie's father: Oh, she's...she's right upstairs. Go ahead, take a seat; we'd like to get to know ya a little better. Alex: Oh, uh...okay. Whatever. [They all sit down] Julie's father: Well, you're early. That's good. I don't like tardy boys... Alex: Well, I was so excited. I mean, I haven't held her in days. Julie's father: She'll be down soon enough. Alex: Oh, I hope she wasn't too much trouble for you. She can be such a pain sometimes...uh, thanks for lettin' her sleep here and all. Julie's father: Oh; well, it's the least we could do. Alex: Oh, but don't get me wrong. I really love her, the smelly little mutt. Julie's father: I beg your pardon? Julie's mother: Did you say "smelly"? Julie's father: Did you say "mutt"? Alex: Oh; but she's really smart. Julie's father: Oh, yeah; we know; in fact, we happen to think quite highly of her. Alex: Oh, really? Me, too. Ya know, she wiggles her leg when ya tickle her tummy? Julie's mother: No, we didn't know! Julie's father: And I think we were happier not knowing! Alex: Oh, and sometimes, I can lie on the floor and put a pepperoni on my nose, and she'll sneak around by me and eat it right off. Julie's father: Is this a joke?! Alex: No; actually, it's kind of a cool trick. Listen, where is she? 'Cause I've gotta get her home and give her a bath; last time I saw her, she was filthy! Julie's father [gasps in horror]: You're not taking her anywhere! Julie's mother: You're very bad! Alex: Oh...I see what's goin' on. Julie's father: Oh, ya do, do ya? Alex: Sure; I should've figured it out earlier...you want some money. Julie's father: MONEY?! Alex: Yeah, I mean, you know; you took her home and fed her and let her sleep here. The least I can do before I take her home and play with her is...give you a little cash. How's a five-spot sound? (He gives Julie's father $5) Alex: I'll call her downstairs. Snuggles? Snuggles? C'mon down, ya hairy little mutt; come on. I hope she doesn't get all excited and tinkle on your carpet. I wouldn't wanna hafta spank her right here. Julie's mother: I'm calling the police! Julie's father [to Alex]: You're worse than the boy with the tattooed tongue! (Julie comes downstairs, ready for her date) Alex: Hey...where's my dog? Julie: How would I know? Who are you? Julie's father: What; you don't even recognize your own horrible boyfriend?! Maybe if he tickled your tummy or gave ya a bath... Julie's mother: Or put a pepperoni on his face! Julie's father: Yeah! Alex: Uh...look, people, I'm just here to pick up my dog...Snuggles... Julie: Oh, well; you're at the wrong house. The Wallaces up the street found your dog. C'mon, I'll show you the house. Alex: Hey, uh...maybe a little later, we could, uh, catch a movie or somethin'. Julie: Sure; I'd love to. Julie's mother: Julie, what about your date with your boyfriend? Julie: Oh, he's late, and... Julie [to Alex]: What's your name? Alex: Alex. Julie: And Alex is on time... Julie [whispering]: Oh, and he's cute, too. Alex: Do you like pepperoni? Julie: I love pepperoni! (They head off to the Wallaces' house) Malcolm-Jamal Warner/Brandy [1.06] Aaliyah [1.07] Lori Beth Denberg: Never take a taco, sit on it, and then run around screaming, "HEY; LOOK AT THE TACO STAIN ON MY BUTT!". Coolio [1.08] (A family, consisting of a father, mother, son, and daughter, comes home from grocery shopping) Mother (Denberg): Uh, is this all the groceries from the car? Father (Goodwin): You bet, honey. (They start unpacking their groceries)Son (Server; takes the cereal, Toasted Oats): Hey, I get to look for the prize inside!Daughter (Johnson): Hey, I want to open the cereal!Son (opens the cereal and finds the prize): Hey, a glow-in-the-dark decoder ring!Daughter: That's not fair...Father: Aw; now, don't worry, pun'kin. You know, in this family, we share all the prizes.Mother: You can open the mayonnaise. I'm going to look in the yogurt.Father: All right. (The daughter opens the mayonnaise and she finds a prize--a pair of sunglasses with midnight-blue lenses)Daughter: Sunglasses! (She puts them on)Daughter: Cool...Mother: Look, I found a Jogman radio in the yogurt!Father: Oh, good for you, honey! Let's see what's in the lettuce... (He finds money in the lettuce)Father: A $5 bill! Oh, wait; there's more...a quarter!Son: I'm gonna look in the hamburger meat. (He finds a gold watch in it)Father: Whatcha gettin', son?Son: A gold watch!Father: Oh, better than last time! Mother: Wonderful.Father: Another dollar in the lettuce...oh, and look here! A cashier's check for...$24.95!Mother: That's wonderful, dear.Father (notices the cottage cheese): Hey! That tub o'cottage cheese looks mighty lonely!Daughter: I got it; I got it!Father: All right, honey.Son (reaches into the ice cream): Hey, Dad, look! Look what I found in the ice cream! An electric razor! Here, Pop.Father (laughs): You nut! (He takes the razor and starts shaving)Father: Mmmmm! Smooth!Daughter (finds a diamond necklace in the cottage cheese): A diamond necklace! (She puts it on)Mother: You needed another one?Father: Oh, another $5 in the lettuce. What a head!Mother (gasps): Look what I found in the flour! A toupee! (She puts it on the father's head)Mother: I'm going to look in the turkey! Look, everybody; a chicken! We're truly blessed.Father: That we are.Father (to the daughter): Congratulations on the necklace, honey!Daughter: I just got lucky.Son: That's a great toupee, Dad.Father: Thanks. It's hair-rific!Mother: How much money did you find in that lettuce?Father: Well, let's see...$36.20. (He takes a bite of it, and finds a dime)Father: Oh, wait a minute; hold on! Ho-ho; $36.30! (They all laugh)Son: We're so lucky! (At Good Burger, Mr. Bailey [Tim Goodwin; later played by Dan Schneider] has introduced Ed (Mitchell) to the new employee, Beth [Bates], who becomes Ed's love interest. She and Ed are lost in thought.)Ed: (thinking) I'm lost in thought.Beth: (thinking) He seems lost in thought.Ed: She's so pretty, just like a...like, uh...like someone who's pretty.Beth: I hope he thinks I'm pretty.Ed: I do.Beth: He'd be the coolest boyfriend.Ed: Some vegetables...are green.Beth: I wonder if he'll call me, and ask me out on a date.Ed: I want to call her, and ask her out on a date, but I don't know how... [short pause]Ed: ...to use a phone.Beth: Ed, it's so easy, spell.Ed: My foot's cold. [looks down]Ed: Hey! I'm missin' a shoe! (Earlier, a customer [Johnson] had found, and complained about, a shoe in the strawberry milkshake that she had ordered; presumably, this was Ed's right shoe. He had actually noticed it in the milkshake machine, but hadn't bothered to remove it. This had made her "confused...and angry!".) Soul 4 Real [1.09] Changing Faces [1.10] Blackstreet [1.11] Zhané [1.12] Usher [1.13] A Few Good Men [1.14] Alan [Mitchell]: "Welcome to Cereal Critics, with Alan and Allen. I'm Alan; A-L-A-N."Allen [Server]: "And I'm Allen; A-double L-E-N."Alan: "This morning, we're talking about...what else?"Both [in unison]: "CEREAL!"Alan: "The first cereal on our list is...Lucky Germs. I think we have a clue. Let's take a look." [A video of them eating Lucky Germs cereal is shown]Allen: "I found Lucky Germs good-tasting and fun; even whimsical, if you will."Alan: "I won't. I started out skeptical because of their scary jingle...♪Frosted Lucky Germs, they're tragically contagious♪...what's with that?"Allen: "Heh-lo, the jingle's a joke. If I lent you five bucks, would you buy yourself a sense of humor?"Alan: "No, but I'd buy some antacid. I'm still gassy."Allen: "Thank you, Mr. Cranky Colon. Well, anyway, I say, 'spoons up'."Alan [makes a buzzer noise]: "The correct response is, 'spoons down'. Onto a new cereal on the show; Spoon-Size Shredded Meat. Watch the monitor”. [A video of them eating Spoon-Size Shredded Meat is shown]Alan: “Now, tell me; what kind of twisted person puts mangled hamburger meat in breakfast cereal? Hello-o-o-o?!”Allen: “Earth to Alan; you eat sausage and bacon for breakfast every morning.”Alan: “Not in a bowl, juicy fruit. When it comes to cereal, I want honey, cinnamon, fluffy surprises, even bran, but meat? Save it for the dog, kids!”Allen: “Those are pretty strong words for a guy who gave a ‘spoons up’ to…Froot Poots!”Alan: “I changed my review as soon as I came out the bathroom. Why must you always bring up the Froot Poots?”Allen: “It’s kind of hard to forget, Alan. Well, this concludes this week’s…Cereal Critics. Join us next week, when we’ll be discussing three new cereals; Crusty Flakes…”Alan: “Dreary-Os…”Allen: “And Grape Knots. Until then, I’m Allen; A-double L-E-N.”Alan: “And I’m Alan; A-L-A-N.”Allen: “Freak!”Alan: “Alfalfa-Bit eater!”Allen: “Froot Pooter!”Alan: “Stop with that already!” Aftermath featuring Kel Mitchell [1.15] (Coach Kreeton is teaching volleyball to his class; the team consisting of Alisa, Angelique, Katrina, Lori Beth, Josh, and Kenan is not following his instructions to hit the ball back to the other side)Coach Kreeton (to the other side): "Serve the ball to these misguided demons!" (The other side does so, and then Lori Beth turns on a tape that plays Offenbach's Can Can)Alisa, Angelique, Katrina, Lori Beth, Josh, and Kenan (singing to the tune of the Can Can, while standing arm-in-arm and doing the dance): "La...la-la, la-la, la-la; la-la, la-la, la-la..."Coach Kreeton:''' "No, no, no, no...no...NO! Don't dance like a buncha crazy dancin' people! This is volleyball'', not one of them rock'n'roll videos with the...hoodlum music!"