Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach

Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach is a 2009 American sports-comedy film about a high school janitor who has not recovered from his failed career as a tennis pro, so he begins coaching his beloved sport to a group of high school misfits and leads them to the Nebraska State Championships. Directed by Danny Leiner and written by Andy Stock and Rick Stempson. Small balls. Big ambition. Gary "The Beast" Houseman [first lines] Beer and beef jerky. The breakfast of champions. Anyhoo, my name is Gary Houseman. I'm a guy who's done some hard living, and it all started with tennis. You know, tennis, the sport of kings. A game of beauty, power, grace, and all that other horseshit. I was born into a family of tennis freaks. I was brought up to love the game, whether it was played on grass, clay, cement or on the table in our basement wearing only our nut-huggers. My dad loved tennis. Regular tennis [flashback scene of Gary playing ping pong with brother Dwight in basement with father refereeing] table tennis, it didn't matter. And my brother, well, he was just a dick. They shit on my game every chance they had, [referring to jar labeled "Victory Beef" in flashback] and I never got a taste of that sweet, sweet winner's jerky. I decided then and there to go for something far sweeter. The taste of tennis glory. After years of climbing my way up the tennis ladder, I found myself grinding it out in the Mexican semi-pro tour, one small step away from the big leagues. But it was hot as balls, and the prize money sucked. Eventually, the pressure kind of got to me. [flashback scene of Gary beating beer keg with racket in frustration over losing] Sorry. [in presence] Based on some on-court issues and a minor off-court incident, I was booted off the tour. But I used my newly-found free time to meet some new people. And also do some traveling. When I reached Nebraska, I saw a sign. And when my traveling companions accidentally left me behind [flashback of motorcycle gang intentionally riding off without Gary running out of gas station with a stash of beef jerky] it was clearly another sign. I bought everyone beef jerky. As I stood there in that lonely road, I realized that this was as good a place as any for a man to reinvent himself. As long as I kept away from tennis and those fuzzy yellow balls, everything would be fine. Not only that, [sees an RV for sale in flashback] the home prices in Nebraska are very reasonable. So I became an engineer. A custodial engineer at Lincoln West High. And it's all good, just as long as tennis stays the hell out of my life. [a tennis ball is hit by Joe out of court to Gary near a garbage dumpster he's dumping into] What the fuck?ǃ [Gary picks up ball, in voice of thought] Why won't Lady Tennis leave me alone? [writing in journal] Gary, you are the man. It's only taken you a few short weeks here in Lincoln to turn your life around. [sips from can] Damn, beer is good. Coach Tuttle has given you a shot at tennis redemption. Cherish it. He's Simon, you're Garfunkel and together you're about to make sweet tennis music. [stands up in a alcoholic drinking establishment with both middle fingers raised to Huskers fans] Fuck the Huskersǃ Fuck footballǃ Fuck all of you fuckers! [All Huskers fans then swarm punch Gary] Not the faceǃ Big Earlǃ [to Principal Dick regarding daughter Amy's age concerning her extreme precociousness] That's a fun age. [doing eulogy at Lew's funeral service] I remember the first time that I saw Coach T. He was on the court, his beloved boys gathered around him. My God, what a presence! Next day, I met him. He told me this was his year. With this group of boys, he would end the 20-year drought and bring home the Ark of the Covenant, the elusive Nebraska state tennis title. Like Moses, Coach T. Will not see the promised land with earthly eyes. But I want him to know that we will fight the good fight. And with the help of his guiding spirit, we will bring home the state trophy to West High where Coach always knew it belonged. God bless you, Coach T. We will always... we will always... [points and looks upwards] God damn you, heaven, you son of a bitch! We're gonna miss the shit out of you, you old man! He was a good man. Maybe the best. [walks over to minister, places minster's hand on his head, kneels down and walks down aisle out door] [eating a fast food meal] Here we go, Gary. Your first day as head coach. I feel awesome. Like I'm walking on sunshine. And this food is so damn tasty. And you better believe this meal's gonna feel twice as good coming out as it did going in. [dropping ingredients into blender] Man, I'm sick of being sick. But at least on the tennis front things are looking up. That Filipino ringer you wrangled is finally on his way. So just be Zen, Gary. Drink up your patented Houseman health shake and let life's juices flow. [blends ingredients, drinks smoothie and spies on tennis boys at practice] For the love of Christ, Jones and Nibbins, don't fucking shy away from the goddamn ball! God damn it! [writing in journal] Life's nothing unless you take some risks, Gary. That's why tonight you need to let it all hang out and sweep Miss Sanchez off her little Portuguese ta-ta's. [waking up after a surreal dream at Lew Tuttle's grave] It doesn't take a Ph.D. In dreamology to know what that was all about, Gary. You got to get back on the team if they're going to have a chance at tennis glory. It's also clear you need Jenny and Maricar to help make it happen. [spying on Steve coaching boys at tennis practice from window] Coach P. Should know better than to make them do push-ups. The last thing a tennis player needs are man-tits obstructing his strokes. I feel better than I can ever remember. Coach Tuttle may well be skin-walking in my body. [at pep rally in gym] Allow me to introduce to you public enemy number one, [an effigy is lowered down] Southpoint High's Tommy Tremble. And now meet the team who's gonna take him down. Your Cherokee Tennis starting lineup! And let's not forget the man behind the scenes, Coach Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimbleǃ And I'm Coach Gary Houseman, the guy who's guaranteeing everyone here that you've just been introduced to the next Nebraska state tennis champions! And tomorrow I expect each and every one of you to call in sick and come support our squad! [beats the effigy into pieces, throws down leg] Bitch! [writing in journal] The pep rally was a total successǃ Total success. My only concern is where Mike's head is at. Is he ready to win? Ready to be a champion? Be a man? Maybe Coach P. And I should have a word with him. [driving to championship finals game] State. It's a two-day tournament, gentlemen. You can't win it on the first day, but you can sure as hell lose it. We've got to start strong and finish even stronger. [Cappy asks why Gary looks up To Lew so much] Cappy, if God didn't exist, would you invent him? [Cappy repsonds not sure and asks why] Never mind. Doesn't matter. God does exist. And Coach Tuttle really was a good man. Maybe the best. [to Mike "Cappy" in shower] You get back out there, you get to the net every point. Chip and charge. You don't have the legs to work the baseline. [Mike "Cappy" says okay] Constant pressure. Come in tight and cut off his angles. Make him play our game. Show him how the big boys play hardball. [Mike "Cappy" says okay] Cappy, you pull this off, I'll pay Steffi Nash to let you do her up the poo. [pats Mike "Cappy" on the shoulder] That's enoughǃ We're lateǃ [cleaning trophy case] Life is just so crazy, Gary. You came to Nebraska to get away from tennis. Yet here you are, basking in the greatness of tennis triumphs. You big beautiful old lug. Mrs. Tuttle was so lucky to have you. Gary, never forget what Coach T. Taught you: That life is short, and you need to find balance. Tennis, while it is the sport of kings, can never take the place of a good queen. [after asking out Norma while coaching girls volleyball in gym] Gary, after you marry Norma Sanchez, you should get a teaching degree. I bet you'd turn some dead-end dipshit into a future president. [kicks open gym door] Damn, it's fucking bright out here! [shot of team portrait] I love you guys. Coach Lew Tuttle [to Gary in washroom, referring to his dwarf wife] I like them short. [mimics sexual motion] [to Gary at tennis practice] Look at that little dandy. I've told him a hundred times, I don't want to see that faggy two-handed forehand shitǃ Nibby, one hand, God damn it! That boy doesn't have an ounce of self-respectǃ Amy Daubert [to father school principal Dick in his office with Gary and Steve] That prostitute made me shoot up with a dirty needle. I don't want my baby to have the AIDS! That's why I need an abortion! [at Mike "Cappy"'s championship finals game] Mike, you bitch! Get up and rip this motherfucker's butt open! And make him lick his own shit off your huge fucking cock! [Dick explains she misses her mother] Church minister [in Lew's funeral service] Whether it was on the court or off the court, Coach T. Always had time for his kids. No matter if they were in his class, on his team, or just needed someone to talk to, Coach T. Always made them a priority. If they needed him, he was there. He was unique, and he was an original. Norma Sanchez [to Gary over his Spanish speaking proficiency] Not only handsome, but a man of the world. A rare combination in this part of the country. Dialogue Gary's father: [Gary's brother nicks out Gary in ping pong] Out! Ball nicked. Point to Dwight. Dwight wins. Young Gary: That's bullshit. Young Dwight: I fucking own you, Gary. Lew Tuttle: [to Gary cleaning in washroom] Awful big forehand. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Pardon? Lew Tuttle: I saw you hitting yesterday. You don't see strokes like that very often. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Yeah. Me and tennis, we go way back. You want the long or the short version? Lew Tuttle: I like them short. [mimics sexual action] Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Grew up in a tennis family. My brother was headed for the pros before he blew out his knee. According to my dad, I never showed the same promise. But I was still good enough to win the top spot on my hometown's college team. I only played with them briefly, due to a lack of support from my teammates. Tennis players: [in flashback, approaching] Hey, Garyǃ [beating Gary] Take that, you cheater! Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [in flashback] After leaving college, I led a tennis journeyman's existence. But my career was rear-ended by a total misunderstanding. [in flashback at a Mexican social club about to witness a woman perform an act with a donkey] What the fuck? Let the girl go! Let her go! Take me insteadǃ Mexican team mate: [grabs Gary's wrist] Good God, Gary! That donkey will tear you up! Gary "The Beast" Houseman: I don't want to talk about tennis right nowǃ [jerks away hand and heads for stage] Mexican team mate: Gary! Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [in presence] After that painful experience, I fell on some dark times. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [in flashback] I'll save youǃ [in presence] But eventually I got my shit together. I found this kick-ass job, and here I am. Lew Tuttle: Sounds like you've walked a rocky road, friend. But, hell, as the old man owl says, "That's what puts hair on a man's balls." Gary "The Beast" Houseman: That's exactly how I see it. Lew Tuttle: [offers handshake] I'm Lew Tuttle. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [honors handshake] Gary Houseman. So how's your squad looking? Lew Tuttle: We might win one or two matches. Team captain, he's a real scrapper. Problem is, it's a big drop from him to our two man. Makes it hard to compete against a Southpoint High slinger like Tommy Tremble if he doesn't have any decent competition in practice, huh? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Yeah. Lew Tuttle: Say, you wouldn't happen to be free to bang a few with him around 3:15, would you? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: No. I'm done with tennis. Sure, I hit a few balls yesterday, but that was an exception. Maybe tennis has been good to you, but she really did a fucking number on me. I will never go back to tennis. [Lew wrinkles nose and shakes head disapprovingly] Lew Tuttle: Where'd you learn to hit that last one? I haven't seen a 'tweener since Yannick Noah in the French. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: It's a Zen thing. You gotta be in the moment, then lose your flow. Lew Tuttle: Lose your flow, huh? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: So, are you, like, the only tennis groupie at this school or what? I've been around the tennis scene a long time. Believe me, I've known plenty of chicks like you. What I don't know is which one of these cowboys you're banging. And I need to know that so I can coach around it. Jenny Tuttle: Really? Actually, I'm Jenny Tuttle. I work in the training room after school and then I come down here to catch a ride home with my dad. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Oh, shit. I'm sorry. You're a Tuttle, huh? That's fucking awesome. I didn't mean to imply that you look like some kind of slut or something. I guess I'm the dickhead on this one. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: What's going on? Hallway girl: Mr. Tuttle's dead! Gary "The Beast" Houseman: What? Hallway girl: He was just explaining isosceles and then he bent over and he just droppedǃ Gary "The Beast" Houseman: I don't understand. Triangles? Hallway girl: He just dropped! Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [runs down hall into crowd of classroom door] Make a path! [shoves student] Get out of my fucking way! Coach down! What the fuck! EMT: [Gary bumps aside EMT to Lew on a gurney] Hey! Gary "The Beast" Houseman: He's clearǃ Give me the fucking things! You know, the things! The fucking clappers! EMT: He's been gone for 20 minutesǃ Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Bullshit! You medevac in a baboon's heart right fucking nowǃ EMT: I'm sorry, sir. You have to step back. He's gone. [brings sheet over Lew and pulls gurney] Clear a path. Coming through. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [slumps down against a desk] Come back, Coach. Those bright lights aren't court lamps. Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: [to Gary and Steve] And, obviously, we're all stunned at what happened the other day. Lew was the real deal. They broke the mold when they made that son of a gun. I understand Lew appointed you to be his assistant. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Yes, sir. Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: Glad to hear it. That'll make the transition a lot easier on the boys. Gary, I've appointed Steve to be head coach. Unfortunately, Steve doesn't know a thing about tennis, or any other sport, for that matter. Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: Well, you know, actually, badminton is very similar in that they both use rackets, only instead of keeping balls aloft... Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: But, he's the only faculty member who volunteered, so, he's in. I'm sorry I couldn't promote you to head coach, Gary. City rules dictate that all head coaches have to be faculty. But you can make this a lot easier on the boys by keeping up Lew's routines. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: He ran a tight ship. Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: So, I want the two of you to think of yourselves as co-head coaches. [Amy appears] Amy, what are you doing here? Amy Daubert: Sorry, Daddy, I had to leave school. Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: What is it this time? Amy Daubert: I'm pregnant, and I need money for an abortion. Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: Amy, do you remember what Dr. Saxena said about telling lies? Amy Daubert: But I'm not lying! Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: And last month you had AIDS? Amy Daubert: That prostitute made me shoot up with a dirty needle. I don't want my baby to have the AIDS! That's why I need an abortion! Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: Honey, I'm in the middle of something here. Why don't you wait outside with Meg and I'll walk you back to school later, okay? Amy Daubert: Okay. [leaves] School office secretary: That's right, sweetie, stay with me. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: How old is she? Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: Eight. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: That's a fun age. Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: Anyway, this isn't football, so no one's gonna be overly concerned about your record. Let's just try to make tennis something these boys can fall back on while they deal with their coach's death. Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: Well, yeah, certainly death is not an easy... Gary "The Beast" Houseman: I disagreeǃ Mr. Daubert's exactly right! We can help these boys! Tennis won't die on them. And they need to know that! Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: Well, I never meant to suggest that tennis would die on them. I'm just saying that every life form expires, and it's not easy for other organisms in the vicinity of the dying party. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [sitting on couch in living room of Tuttle residence, to Lew's wife and Jenny] God damn it! Doesn't make any sense! Prime of his life! I'm just worried about the boys. Coach T. Left shoes too big for 10 men to fill, and here my assistant and I... Do you know Steve Pimble? Phyllis Tuttle: I believe our eldest had him for Chemistry last year. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Your eldest? Son or daughter? Phyllis Tuttle: Son. He's a freshman at the U. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: That's great. Will he coach tennis after college? Phyllis Tuttle: I don't think so. Brad's pre-med. He's more of an intellectual than an athlete. [scene of Brad partying at fraternity with frat boys throwing him onto a stack of beer kgs] Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Well, the world needs doctors, too. Anyway, I just thought I would ask, and please stop me if this is inappropriate timing, I was hoping that Coach T. Had some instructional tools, or anything that might help our transition. Phyllis Tuttle: I remember that he had a student videotape some of the matches. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: That would be greatǃ ... Gary "The Beast" Houseman: So, Jenny, I know how much you love tennis. And I just want you to know that if you ever want to hang around at practice like you used to, or if you need a ride home, or anything, just let me know. Jenny Tuttle: I don't love tennis. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: You at least like it, though, right? Jenny Tuttle: I like watching it, I guess. But I don't really play. Volleyball's more my sport. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Court or sand? Jenny Tuttle: Court. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: I'm more of a sand man, myself. In fact, I was partying with the Dominican sand team down in Cabo a few years ago, and we were just completely out of our minds on mescaline, and these two little nymphos walked by and they were like, "Show us your cocks!" You know. I'm sorry, Jenny, that was probably not the most appropriate story right now. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [appears on tennis court in just an athletic protector with ball basket] Jones! Nibbins! Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: Hey, Gary! What are you doing?ǃ Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Why the fuck are you two so scared of a little yellow ball? Burke "Nibby" Nibbons: We're not. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: I've been sitting in my house watching you two shy away from every goddamn ball for the last 10 minutes! Tell me you haven't! Say it! Kevin Jones: We haven't. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Really? Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: Gary... Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Not now, Coach. '[starts hitting Burke and Kevin with tennis balls] That hurt? Hey, hey. Hey, stop crying. Nibbins, look at me. Are you hurt?ǃ Burke "Nibby" Nibbons: No. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Jonesy, you hurt? Kevin Jones: No. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: You see? There's nothing to be scared of. It's just a little yellow ball. Stings though, don't it? Yeah. Listen, when you're at the net and some jokester is taking target practice at you, guess what?He can't hurt youǃ And if you stay on top of the goddamn net, you can take away all his angles! You can see that tennis is a game of angles, can't you? Kevin Jones: Yeah. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Okay, then. [runs away, to Steve] Sorry about that, Coach. Except for Jones and Nibbins, it looks like you got practice running pretty smoothly. Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: Hey, Mr. Daubert, do you have a minute? I need to talk to you about the tennis team. Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: Is there a problem? Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: No. Well, yes, sort of. Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: [to a girl] Hey, how you doing? Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: There just seems to be some wrong things happening. Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: Been some wrong things with the tennis team for quite some time, Steve. As a matter of fact, they've pretty much sucked for the last 20 years. [to Jeffrey] Get that History grade up, Jeffrey. Football player Jeffrey Vanier: Yes, sir, I will, Mr. D. Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: Well, that's not what I mean. Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: What is it, Steve? Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: Well, it's Gary. There was an incident in front of the cross-country team. He was only wearing an athletic supporter and he was hitting the boys with tennis balls... Not the blind boy. Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: No, no. He was hitting our boys. You know. And I just thought you should know. Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: I see. Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: Hey, listen, if you happen to talk to Gary about this, would it possible to not discuss where you got this information? Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: No problem, Steve. I mean, I got budget cuts up the ass, half the football team is failing History, and my daughter subscribes to Leather & Bondage magazine. But don't worry, Steve, I'll just drop everything and deal with this. Jesus, I never had you pegged as an informer. [walks away, to student off camera] Hey, how you doing? Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: Okay. Football player Jeffrey Vanier: [bullying Burke in hallway with other football players] Look out, Johnny, I hear this little fatherfucker can suck the skin off a potato. Burke "Nibby" Nibbons: I gotta go to class. Football player Jeffrey Vanier: [Burke walks away] All right, butt-monkey. Go to class. [grabs Burke's backpack strap] But don't let me catch you eye-balling my Johnson againǃ [spanks Burke with other football players congratulating him]Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Nibby, what the fuck?ǃ You just open wide when they feed you shit?ǃ Tit for fucking tat! Burke "Nibby" Nibbons: He'll beat me up! Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Fucking A, Nibbins! Don't shy away from this, too! Burke "Nibby" Nibbons: I can't. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: God damn it, Nibby! You don't do something right now, I'm gonna fucking yank you from the team, you hear me? I got no fucking time for pansies! Burke "Nibby" Nibbons: [runs down hall and shoves Jeffrey] Dick! Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [Jeffrey chases Burke down hall and Gary points] Hey! What the fuck is going on?ǃ Football player Jeffrey Vanier: That kid just knocked my shit on the floorǃ Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Why you grabbing his ass, quarterback? You like little boys' tight assholes? Is that it? Man, I know some mean muchachos who wouldn't think twice about putting a dent in your little boy-loving skull and [gestures]shoving a fucking shiv down your dickhole. [puts on headphone] Hey, QB, good luck against Creighton Prep Saturday. Pitch the ball every once in a while when you run the option. You do know you have the option to pitch the ball on that play? That's why it's called an option. [makes a kung-fu stance with Jeffrey mimicking who walks away]Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [holds up folder to tennis boys on court] In my hand I hold every match score sheet and tournament draw sheet this team has played in over the past 20 years. Seven years ago, you qualified for state and finished in 11th place. Rad. That's your one and only highlight, gentlemen. Anyone want to go through your lowlights? I didn't think so. [throws folder on ground] Nibby! What is all this?ǃ Burke "Nibby" Nibbons: Our records? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: How about it, Chang? Joe Chang: Crap. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Well, I guess that's true. Cappy, what the hell is all this crap? Mike "Cappy" Jensen: The past. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: That's right! It's the past. Yes, it's shitǃ But it's past shitǃ Does anyone wanna know what I think about all these shit showings? Raise your hand if you want to know what I think about all this shit! [all boys and Steve raise hands, Gary then initiates gag reflex multiple times and then successfully regurtiates onto folder] What do you think about that, Cappy?ǃ Mike "Cappy" Jensen: I'm not sure. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: A purging! That's what we need! A fucking purging! We've got a little Cherokee spirit jumping out here! Come on, you feel that, Nibby? Burke "Nibby" Nibbons: Yeah, yeah. I think so. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: That's what I'm talking about! Come on! It feels good! A fucking fresh start, Chang! Joe Chang: Fuck, yeah! Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah! [voiceover writing in journal] Coach Tuttle would have understood. Dick "Dickhead" Daubert: [flashback] Heck, yeah. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [voiceover writing in journal] Sometimes we need to mold beauty out of the clay of ugliness. That said, I still should have immediately cleaned the vomit off those courts. [scene of Lew's dogs licking off folder]Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [driving RV] Sorry about the extended pit stop. Jenny Tuttle: What's in the bag? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: NyQuil and some beef jerky. [Jenny reaches over and grabs bag]: Hey, hey! Let me have that! My germs are all over itǃ Jenny Tuttle: [looking into bag and holds up box] Why did you buy condoms? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Well... Jenny, did Coach ever talk to you about... Have you taken Health class yet? Jenny Tuttle: You don't think I know about sex? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: No. Yeah. It's... Please don't open that. Jenny Tuttle: Who are you going to hump? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Nobody in particular. I just realized I'm out. Jenny Tuttle: Gross! Why does it have ruffles? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Those are called ribs, Jenny, and they're for extra pleasure. Jenny Tuttle: These are for pervs. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: No. A lot of people enjoy... You know what? This is awkward, okay? You really shouldn't be touching that at your age. Jenny Tuttle: And it smells funny. [Gary pulls up to her house] Thanks for the ride. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: No problem. [Jenny Tuttle gets out]: Yeah, I'll see you later! [Jenny walks to house] I shouldn't even be looking. Fifteen will get you 20. Know what I mean? Maricar Magwill: [being hounded by dogs] Yeah. Dick Daubert: May I have a word, Gary? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Sure. Dick Daubert: I was just informed you were caught dry-humping Jenny Tuttle at the school dance. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Who told you that damn lie? Dick Daubert: It was an anonymous phone call, Gary. Do you deny it? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Of course not! If you say you got an anonymous phone call, then I believe you. Dick Daubert: No, I mean do you deny dry-humping Jenny Tuttle at the dance? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: God, yes! Dick Daubert: I'm suspending you from the team. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Because of an anonymous phone call? Dick Daubert: Look, Gary, I like you. You've got cojones. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Fish? Dick Daubert: No. Balls. Big ones. But the shit keeps rolling downhill. My ex-wife, these budget cuts, and this damn fall Sports meeting... Gary "The Beast" Houseman: But, we just got to win one out of the next three matches and we qualify for state. Then we make Coach Tuttle's dream a reality. Dick Daubert: I just can't be dealing with a loose cannon now, Gary. I'm sorry. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [referring to Maricar urinating] Maricar! Inside! Inside! Dick Daubert: Damn it, Gary, this is exactly what I'm talking about! I thought he was staying with the Changs. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: So did I! His grandpa was on board. But his dad is not a team player. Dick Daubert: Let's go, Amy! Stop playing with the dogs! Amy Daubert: Who got dry-humped, Daddy? Jenny Tuttle: So you're just gonna run away? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: I told your dad that I'd bring home his state title. Now I've lost my team, and broken my promise to the only man who ever gave me a helping hand. Jenny Tuttle: My dad's gone and now you're leaving me, too. You're a damn quitter, Gary, and I hate you. [runs off]Jenny Tuttle: So I saw you dance with Molly Sharpe the other night. Is it nice and tight, or all loose and floppy? Mike "Cappy" Jensen: I don't... Floppy? You know, I didn't... Molly and I are just friends, and... Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [appears in classroom] Miss Sanchez! I'm really glad to see youǃ Norma Sanchez: I wanted to ask you for a favor. I hear rumor, señor Houseman. I hear the kids whisper that you lose your whistle because of me. They say we play the sexy fingers at dance. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Kids! Norma Sanchez: Did you say this? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: No! Yes. I'm sorry. I made up that stupid story as an excuse for getting suspended from the team. Norma Sanchez: Well, this very stupid. It's no nice for me and my reputation as good teacher and good coach. [walks past]Gary "The Beast" Houseman: You're definitely right. I'm really sorry. And it's interesting that you're bringing up coaching, because I wanted to ask you a favor regarding your volleyball team. You know Jenny Tuttle, right? Norma Sanchez: Yes, I know Jenny Tootle. She quit my volleyball tryout last year. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Would you ask her to try out for this year's team? She's had a rough year, and it would mean a lot to her, and her father. Norma Sanchez: Okay, señor Houseman. Maybe I do this. But no more stories, okay? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Done. Thank you. Norma Sanchez: I like the sexy fingers. [makes gesture and winks]Jenny Tuttle: [to Gary in a stall next to her in the women's washroom] What are you doing in here? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Replenishing the tampon dispenser. Would you like one? Jenny Tuttle: No, thanks. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: On the house. I'm sorry about last night. I understand if you hate me. Jenny Tuttle: I don't hate you, Gary. I like you, that's why I was upset. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: That's good to hear, because I need to ask for a favor. You said that Mr. Daubert and your mom are friendly, right? Jenny Tuttle: Yeah. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Do you think you could get your mom to talk to him about reinstating me? Jenny Tuttle: Yeah, I'll ask her to. I'm glad you're no quitter, Gary. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Me, too. Dick Daubert: [to Phyllis in office] Yes, I believe her when she says Gary didn't make a move on her. But that's not the point, Phyllis. Gary's a loose cannon. If he screws up, it's my cojones on the chopping block. Phyllis Tuttle: [gets out of chair] I know in my heart it's what Lew would have wanted. [takes Dick's hand and places it over her breast] Can you feel it? Dick Daubert: Yes, I think I can. Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: [Gary serves beer cans to Mike and Steve in his RV] Coach, I don't think we should be giving alcohol to a minor. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Why not? You an informer? Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: No! No way! Mike "Cappy" Jensen: Actually, I probably shouldn't be drinking a beer the night before state. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: You two need to fucking relax. It's just a beer. This is exactly why I called you here, Cappy. Mike "Cappy" Jensen: To drink a beer? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: To be a man. Mike "Cappy" Jensen: By drinking a beer? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Yes, by drinking a fucking beer! By understanding that you're not going to be intimidated by that little piece of shit Tommy Tremble. Mike "Cappy" Jensen: Well, I don't think I've been intimidated. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Well, you haven't beaten him yet, have you? He's just a kid. And you're a man. And that's why you gotta drink a fucking beer. Because you are a fucking manǃ [Steve and Mike start sipping beer]Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: [someone knocks on door] Hey, Gary, I thought you said it was going to be just us three here tonight. We got to hide this stuffǃ [Steve and Mike put aside beer cans]Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [pats Steve's knee] It's all good, Coach. Steffi Nash: [enters trailer]Hi. Hello, boys. I'm Steffi Nash. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: No, it's "Graf"! Steffi Nash: Whatever. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [takes off jacket to reveal a strap-on dildo] You gotta take that thing off. [points to Mike] We got ourselves a first-timer here. Steffi Nash: Okay. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [turns on music player] Tunes. No, this is who you need to focus on. Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: [Steve attempts to leave] Okay. Gary, I think I'm just gonna head out. and Gary thwarts him] Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [thwarting Steve] No way. Just stay for one song and a beer. Don't set a puss example for Cappy. We're trying to make a man of him, for Christ's sake. [pats Steve's knee, to Mike being rubbed up by Steffi] Feels awesome, doesn't it? Mike "Cappy" Jensen: Yeah. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: I'll change the tape. Mike "Cappy" Jensen: Hey, Coach? I think I got to get going. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: We have her for another 20 minutes. Mike "Cappy" Jensen: I'll see you tomorrow. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Proud of you, Cappy! Steffi Nash: Why don't you take those pants off? Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: [leaves] I left my comb in my car. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Sweet dreams, Coach. [lies down on coach] All right, Steffi Nash. Buckle up that strap-on and let's get weird. Steffi Nash: Okay, sweetie. Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: [Maricar hands him a beer and is attacked by a Doberman dog] Okay! I'm definitely bleeding! Oh, God, I've got puncture wounds! Gary! Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Jesus, Nibby! I set you up perfectly! Why the hell didn't you accept a groin-muscle rub from a sexy girl like Jenny Tuttle? Burke "Nibby" Nibbons: I don't know. I just didn't. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Were those jocks right? Are you some kind of fag? Burke "Nibby" Nibbons: No. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Hey, if you are, you are. It's not the end of the world. But you're in the ninth grade. You've got plenty of time in the future for gay sex. If you want to come out of the closet, great. If not, that's fine, too. Play it cool, man. Just do your own thing. When you get to college, then have your cock-fest. Burke "Nibby" Nibbons: But I don't think that I'm gay. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Hell, you can still have sex while you're in high school. Just spin her over and pretend you're pumping some dude. Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: [approaches Gary holding rackets in tennis supply store] I got to tell you, Mike is really... Hey, are those Tommy's rackets? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: I need you to guard the door for two minutes, don't let anybody in. Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: What's going on? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Jesus, Steve! Listen! Watch the fucking door! Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: What are you doing with those rackets? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Forget about the fucking rackets, and for once this season, step up and make a tangible fucking contribution! Can you do that? [goes into washroom] Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: Tangible contribution? Daydream tennis players: Gary, what's happening here? Brian saw you in the locker room shaving my strings, Gary! You're a fucking cheater, man! Gary "The Beast" Houseman: [in daydream] I didn't shave your strings! Okay, so I shaved a few strings. Daydream tennis players: Fucking cheater, man! Fucking cheater, man! Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: The hell were you doing in there, man? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Nothing. Steve "The Bunsen Burner" Pimble: But Tommy's rackets... Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Hey. Relax. I didn't do anything to the rackets. I just needed to clear my head. Norma Sanchez: Good luck today, Mike! Mike "Cappy" Jensen: Gracias. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Okay. Get your mind off of senorita tight-ass and stay focused. Mike "Cappy" Jensen: I am focused. Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Good. I bet she's got puffy nipples. Mike "Cappy" Jensen: What's that? Gary "The Beast" Houseman: Nothing. Cast Seann William Scott as Gary Houseman Randy Quaid as Coach Lew Tuttle Brando Eaton as Mike "Cappy" Jensen Emilee Wallace as Jenny Tuttle A.D. Miles as Steve Pimble Leonor Varela as Norma Sanchez Tim Williams as Dick Daubert Ryan Simpkins as Amy Daubert Conor Donovan as Burke Nibbons Allen Evangelista as Maricar Magwill External links 0787470 Category:2009 American films Category:2009 English-language films Category:Films directed by Danny Leiner Category:Sports comedy films Category:Tennis films