The Life and Times of Juniper Lee

A kindergartner watches the episode "It Takes a Pillage" on a CRT television, taken circa 2005.|thumb The Life and Times of Juniper Lee (2005–2007) is an American animated television series. The series centers on the life of a preteen girl, named Juniper Lee. The magic and human worlds have been separated by a magical barrier, preventing ordinary humans from seeing any magic-related events or the creatures related to them. Juniper has recently been made the new Te Xuan Ze, which gives her the responsibility of maintaining the balance between the human and magic worlds. The show has a fairly campy take on the genre, and at times often makes fun of itself. Being a Te Xuan Ze is not easy for Juniper. She has to postpone what she likes doing the most just to save the world. Season 1 It's Your Party and I'll Whine If I Want To [1.1] Cold Open (Episode starts with a view of a city, which the camera zooms into a sign that says "Welcome to Orchid Bay". We then cut to different shots of Orchid Bay City, such as the neighborhood, the buildings with a blimp floating above the sky and the park. We then see a married couple pushing their stroller.) Jasmine Lee: (narrating) Magic is all around us. (A blue monster pops out of the bushes) Jasmine Lee: (continued; narrating) But it goes unseen, invisible to most people. (The blue monster's hair walks on it's head. Cut to five people at a bus stop) Jasmine Lee: (continued; narrating) There is delicate separation between the two realms. (We zoom out to see seven monsters, invisible to the five people) Between magic and humanity. They must exist side by side and in perfect harmony. (Cut back to the park where a pink monster is growling) Jasmine Lee: (continued; narrating) But there is evil in our world, a darkness that craves to upset this balance. Only one individual can keep the great wickedness at bay. (The pink monster screams and runs away) Jasmine Lee: (continued; narrating) One protector above all who will battle the dark forces. Juniper Lee: (comes in) You'd better run, blob butt! If I catch you in the park again, you're gonna be wearing these size threes! Dork. Jasmine Lee: (continued; narrating) And her name is Juniper Lee. Ray Ray Lee: (comes in, excited) Oh, man, that was so cool! Juniper Lee: He was eating the playground. Ray Ray Lee: I know! Attacking the monkey bars, (a multiple-eyed slime monster lands on the monkey bars) the slide, (a crocodile-like monster eats the slide) the sandbox, (a tentacled monster takes the sandbox) and most of the bathroom! (The pink monster from earlier eats a toilet, swallows it and burps. Ray Ray snickers) Juniper Lee: Oh, dude, he ate the bathrooms? (Ray Ray nods) What's the matter with these guys? (They walk around the rest of the park) Ray Ray Lee: June, your job rocks! Juniper Lee: Yeah, sure, Ray Ray. I stopped three-ton beavers from devouring toilets, just like Batman. Ray Ray Lee: And that makes me Robin! Juniper Lee: Oh, you are so not Robin. Ray Ray Lee: The dynamic duo! Juniper Lee: Yeah, well Batman and Robin never had to hurry home and practice piano. You must chill. Ray Ray Lee: Man are you gonna deprive me of every ounce of coolness in this? Juniper Lee: Big sister, comes with the territory. Ray Ray Lee: Robin doesn't have to put up with this. Juniper Lee: No, but he lives in a cave with a depressed billionaire. Ray Ray Lee: (gasps) Dude, we should so get a cave! Juniper Lee: Okay, now you're really shutting up. Ray Ray Lee: A butler and a cave! Juniper Lee: Shutting up. And you aren't even supposed to be out here, anyway. It's to dangerous for you... (A branch snapping sound is heard as Juniper notices this and whistles) Juniper Lee: (to three monsters camouflaging in a tree, a bench and a lamppost) Alright, all of you, out! (The three monsters grumble and leave. A purple monster is about to eat a toilet in the damaged bathroom when...) Juniper Lee: (offscreen) Don't even think about it! (The purple monster bolts out of the scene) Ray Ray Lee: You heard the lady! Nobody's gonna mess with that toilet! Juniper Lee: Yeah, I'm a force to be reckoned with. Ray Ray Lee: (sees a small rock monster) That's right, pal! Keep it moving! (the rock monster retreats) Oh, yeah! (Juniper rolls her eyes and shakes her head. Cue the theme song) Act 1 Jody's party (The scene opens up on the Lee residence then to the basement where Ray Ray is wrapping a birthday present) Ray Ray Lee: Come on. (Takes a look at it, sets it down, grabs a mallet and hits it with it as he takes another look at it. He growls in annoyance as he attempts to use pliers to wrap it, but it gets stuck in his arm) Why do I have to wrap the present? (He uses a brush of glue to attempt to wrap the present, but it gets stuck on his arm again) There are child labor laws against junk like this. Juniper Lee: (offscreen) Hey! (slides down the stairs) If you wanna go to this party with my friends, the least you can do is wrap the present. Ray Ray Lee: Man, why don't you cast a spell or something? Magic wrap this bad boy. Monroe: Spells are not to be used for such trivial things as the wrapping of birthday presents. Ray Ray Lee: So help me finish this. Monroe: Not interested. Besides, I don't have any thumbs. Wrapping is beyond my abilities. Ray Ray Lee: (scoffs and grumbling) Wish I didn't have any thumbs. (continues wrapping) (A phone call is heard and Juniper answers it) Juniper Lee: Hello? (loud rock music is heard from the other side of the phone as the background turns into a half screen) Oh, hey, Ophelia. Ophelia Ramírez: (turns off her boombox) Hey, June. So, you're really going to Jody's party thing or, like, whatever? Juniper Lee: Yeah, why? Ophelia Ramírez: I don't know, maybe because sometimes you say you're gonna go to stuff and then you're like a little Miss No-Show. Juniper Lee: Look, I said I would be there, okay? I'm just wrapping her present. Ray Ray Lee: What? Hello, giant lie. (holding Jody's present as he sees Monroe stuck onto it) Monroe: Oh, for pity's sake! The fur, you're pulling the fur! Ophelia Ramírez: I'm just saying, Jody's, you know, like, so, so sensitive. You missed her violin recital and she got all, you know, like whatever, and was, like, all sighing and junk. But believe me, skipping out on that musical fiasco was such a good move. That girl is no Baryshnikov. Juniper Lee: Uh, Baryshnikov is a ballet dancer. Ophelia Ramírez: Whatever. I bet he stinks at violin, too. So, did you get her that thing that you were gonna get her? Juniper Lee: Oh, totally. Oh, and you didn't get her one of those candles in the shape of a skull again, did you? Ophelia Ramírez: No. (picks up said skull candle, takes the ribbon off and throws it aside while she picks up a CD and puts the ribbon on it) Oh, hey, I made her a mix. See you there, bye. Juniper Lee: See ya. (ends her call and writes a birthday card for Jody)Monroe: (holding a pair of scissors) Okay, watch me. (shows Ray Ray how to curl a ribbon) Like this. Just pull enough from the ribbon to get a good curl. Ray Ray Lee: You're kind of girly, you know that? (giggles)Monroe: And which one of us is going to a party with his sister? Ray Ray Lee: Touché.(Cut to the outside of the house where Ray Ray carries Monroe to June's bike basket)Monroe: Let go of me! I fail to see why I have to attend a party of one of your prepubescent cohorts. Ray Ray Lee: (patting Monroe's head) 'Cause chicks dig you, little man. Monroe: Oh, shut up. Juniper Lee: (comes out of the house) No, it's true, Monroe. Everybody thinks you're cute. It's probably because they can't hear you talk. Monroe: Aye, well, I understand every word they say. Vicious, chattering monkeys. Juniper Lee: (as she struggles to get Jody's present into her knapsack) Okay, now look, both of you better behave. Jody is my best friend, and I've flake out enough on her with all these creature feature battles I have to get into. So, for once, I would just like... (a jar drops from her knapsack) Oops.(The jar drops onto the ground, opens and lets out a baresafer)Genie: (laughing) I'm free! You hear me?! Free! (continues laughing)Juniper Lee: Uh-oh. Ray Ray Lee: Sick. Genie: Ah, sweet freedom. So long have I bound to be crushed into your sweet embrace. Free! (laughs)(Juniper jumps and catches the baresafer)Juniper Lee: Not so fast, big guy! (lands on the ground and drags the baresafer the way back to the jar)Genie: (singing) Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom, freedom, freedom freedom, freedom, freedom... (laughs) FREEDOOOOOOOOM!!! Juniper Lee: (grabs the jar and stuffs the baresafer back into it) Ugh, you must chill! You have been in there for maybe, what, three hours? You're not a lifer who just made parole, okay, Shawshank? Monroe: Why are you carrying around a baresafer in your knapsack? Genie: (singing while in the jar) Sweet freedom! Juniper Lee: Well, you never know when you're gonna need one of these guys, and they're harmless. They only attack evil creatures. (chuckles) Despite our vicious sarcasm. We don't qualify. Oh, uh, Ray Ray, would you hold Jody's present in your knapsack? Ray Ray Lee: I'd rather have the genie! Juniper Lee: Would you rather have a wedgie so fierce you'll stop growing? Ray Ray Lee: (resentful) Give me the present. (holds the present)(Cut to Jody's backyard where the kids are celebrating her birthday)Roger Radcliffe: Jody, Jody, Jody! Jody, this is one rockin' b-day bash! Jody Irwin: Thanks, Roger. Roger Radcliffe: Who wants to dance with the Roger man? I'm a rage-aholic volcano, and I needs to burn off some lava! Ophelia, dance with me. Ophelia Ramírez: Roger, one, there's no music. Two, if there was music, I wouldn't like it. And three, no.(Juniper and Ray Ray arrive at the party)Jody Irwin: June! June, hi! (waves at her)Juniper Lee: Hey! Happy birthday, Jody! (Jody hugs her) Sorry we're late. Jody Irwin: You're always late. Juniper Lee: I know. Jody Irwin: Oh, you brought Monroe! Hello! Monroe: Oh, somebody just kill me. Jody Irwin: Look, everybody! Everybody, June brought her dog!(The girls circle around Monroe and baby talk on him)Monroe: Hands off! All of yez, hands off for pity's sake! Do I look like some nauseating plush doll that vibrates with laughter when prodded?! For pity's sake!(Camera zooms out to only hear Monroe barking, much to the girls' amusement, then the camera zooms back on him)Monroe: Cackling harpies! You will treat me with the respect I deserve or I will take my leave of you! (Gets picked up by one of the girls)Girl: Ooh, he's such a tough little guy! (rubs Monroe's tummy) Look at Mister Tough Guy! Girl 2: He's so cute! Ooh, he's a wittle killer! Girl 3: Yes, you are! Yes, you are! Monroe: (barks) June, please strike me with a blunt object. Ophelia Ramírez: Why did you let them do that to your dog? Juniper Lee: (chuckles) Payback. Ophelia Ramírez: (confused) What?(A clown comes in laughing while honking a horn)Clown: Hey, kids! I'm Mr. Tipper! (honks both his horn and nose, laughing) Are you guys having a most super splendicious time-arino?(The camera zooms in on Juniper, Jody and Ophelia)Juniper Lee: Your mother hired a clown? Jody Irwin: It was the pony, a magician, or a clown. Ophelia Ramírez: Ah, the lesser of three evils. Mr. Tipper: (holds a balloon) Who wants a balloon animal? Ophelia Ramírez: That is so sad. Mr. Tipper: Hey, you think I want this gig? I have a master's degree from Yale. It's either this or putting up dry wall with my father-in-law. Ophelia Ramírez: Fair enough. I'll take a giraffe. Mr. Tipper: Can't do giraffes. How about a snake? (blows the balloon)Ophelia Ramírez: Whatever. A Leprechaun's Request (Everyone is dancing as Jody and Juniper are laughing)Jody Irwin: No wait, wait! Jennifer Shaprio blew milk out of her nose right onto Kenny Dwyer twice! That's... that's when Zach threw up!(Juniper and Jody continue laughing harder until...)Leprechaun: (offscreen) Psst! June! Psst! June! Juniper Lee: Oh, man. Leprechaun: June! Hey, excuse me. Uh, hey, June! (walking through the crowd of kids, making them bump into another) Pardon me, pardon me. Juniper Lee: (sighs) Oh, brother.(The leprechaun is seen invisible as he continues walking through the crowd)Leprechaun: The Junerator, J-Girl, protector of us all! 'Sup?(Juniper walks towards the leprechaun)Juniper Lee: What do you want? Leprechaun: Well, I am Jeff of Halihan Clan, and I'm a leprechaun. Juniper Lee: You're a leprechaun? Aren't you a little tall? Jeff: Oh, yeah. Well, maybe you were expecting one of those "kissing the Blarney Stones", "you-must-be-after-me-pot-of-gold!" half pints like on cereal boxes and stuff, right? No sale. We're all sort of big. Ooh, I had an uncle who played for the Celtics. Juniper Lee: Yeah, you must be very proud. Look, I'm kind of busy here. This is my best friend's birthday party. Jeff: Oh, yeah. (shouting to the kids) Hey, little dudes making with the celebrating thing! Juniper Lee: They can't see you. Jeff: Oh, yeah. Right (laughs) I don't know what I was... Juniper Lee: What do you want?!(The music stops as the kids all stare at her)Juniper Lee: (laughs nervously; singing) From my love? Baby, what do you want from my heart there, darling? (laughs nervously)(The kids go back to celebrating the party)Juniper Lee: You know, I would like to go to a party, just once, where everyone doesn't think I'm clinically insane. Jeff: Dude, tell me about it. Alright, anyhoo, see, my chief, he sent me to get you. And we was all, you know, making with our leprechaun thing, you know, hanging, granting wishes, making beads to sell before show. You know, stuff. And then, we all kinda accidental-like we, uh... (takes off his glasses) We let loose the Racatan. (puts his glasses back on)Juniper Lee: So? Jeff: So, the Racatan is bad news, June. You know, like Godzilla-taking-a-long-weekend-in-Japan kind of bad. Juniper Lee: Look, uh, Jeff, my job is to maintain the order between magic and regular people. This stone on my bracelet glows to alert me that something's going down. No glowing, no going. If the delicate balance is disrupted, I think I'd know. (Her bracelet starts glowing)Jeff: Whoa! That thing went off like it was mad! Juniper Lee: (groans) Tell your chief that I'm on my way. Jeff: Right. (to the kids) Later on, little party dudes! Juniper Lee: (offscreen) They still can't see you! Jeff: Right. (to the kids) Never mind! Leaving the Party Ray Ray Lee: Why do you have to go? Juniper Lee: Because my life is stupid and leprechauns are dorks. Ray Ray Lee: Uh-huh. Can you be a little more specific? Juniper Lee: No. Now, you and Monroe stay put. Monroe: (while wearing a woman's skirt and sun hat) Don't leave me here! They're breaking out the baby clothes! Juniper Lee: Stay put. I gotta go to grandma's. (She leaves)Ray Ray Lee: Nice skirt. Monroe: It makes my thighs look huge.(As everyone is celebrating, Jody sees Juniper leaving on her bike, much to her sadness. June continues riding to her grandmother's house. We then cut to black. We see Juniper arriving at Jasmine's house)Juniper Lee: Ah-Mah! Grandma! Grandma? Ah-Mah, it's me, Juniper. Jasmine Lee: (offscreen) I'm right in here, June! (We see her setting up a fake moose head as Juniper enters) Hey, guess what I bought off a furbacked mountain goblin? Juniper Lee: Another fake moose head? (sees all of the fake moose heads Jasmine owns)Jasmine Lee: Another fake moose head! Half price! (climbs down the ladder) Man, it's ugly. Juniper Lee: Sure is. Listen, well, I know that I'm the great protector, the keeper of harmony of this moral plane and stuff Jasmine Lee: (as she goes to her teapot) As I was before you, and my father before me. Jasmine Lee and Juniper Lee: And six generations back. Juniper Lee: Yeah, yeah yeah, right. Well, you see, I was sort of at Jody's birthday, and this leprechaun dude showed up, and my bracelet beeped, and... so I will... I have to go... Jasmine Lee: June... Juniper Lee: Please, Ah-Mah? Could you please take care of this so I can go back to the party? Jasmine Lee: Juniper, I am no longer the Te Xuan Ze. I am not the protector anymore, you are. Juniper Lee: But, Ah-Mah, I miss everything. While I'm fighting giant demonic frogs, my friends are going to movies and parties and the mall. I wanna go, too. Well, excpet the mall. Ah-Mah, can I least tell them that I save the world all the time? Jasmine Lee: No. This is your burden, and your must bear it alone. It is your destiny. I know you can rise to meet it. (goes to her chimney to make her tea)Juniper Lee: So, that's a no? You buy cheap moose heads and I fight evil? Jasmine Lee: Them's the breaks. Juniper Lee: Great. I miss Jody's party because of this Racatan thingy, and then I... Jasmine Lee: (drops her teapot and stammers) Racatan?! The leprechauns unleashed the Racatan?! Juniper Lee: Well, yeah. They said it was loose or something, and... Jasmine Lee: Oh, there's no time. (Walks June out of her house) Go, go now, move, June. Stop it before it's too late. (Juniper runs to her bike and rides off) Don't look back! Go as fast as you can! GO!!!! Tracking the Racatan (Cut back to the party where Mr. Tipper finished making a balloon octopus)Mr. Tipper: Here. (gives the balloon octopus to Ophelia)Ophelia Ramírez: (gives the balloon octopus to Roger) Cool. Make me another octopus. Mr. Tipper: (panting) You're a vicious little girl, you know that? Ophelia Ramírez: So, I'm told. Come on, Sloppy. Octopus time.(Ray Ray checks his knapsack to see the jar with the baresafer in it)Ray Ray Lee: Hey, look. June took my knapsack, I got hers. (laughs) Come on! Monroe: June said to stay here. Ray Ray Lee: Oh, June tells me lots of things. "Don't touch that.", "Stay put.", "If you eat that, you'll grow fur." Blah, blah, blah! (leaves with Juniper's knapsack)Monroe: Ray Ray! Ray Ray! (runs after him) Oh, blazes, they're serving cake! Why do we always have to leave before cake?!(Cut to the forest where Juniper rides her bike down the trail until she stops)Juniper Lee: (panting) Okay, fine, I'm here knee-deep in leprechaun territory. So, where is this big, bad Racatan? If I can't find it, I'm gonna go back to the-- (sees the Racatan munching on a tree) Oh, boy. A hamster? I'm missing the party for a giant hamster? (Walks towards the Racatan) Oh, fine. Hey, Mr. Nibbles! (the Racatan doesn't listen) Buddy, I'm gonna need you to move it along, maybe take it outside the city limits. (the Racatan still doesn't listen) Hey, Algernon, come on, now! I don't wanna get rough! (touches it's back) Move!(The Racatan stops munching and, after a short pause, roars at Juniper)Juniper Lee: Okay! (laughs nervously) My bad! We don't like physical contact. (screams as she starts running from the Racatan) Defeating the Racatan (The Racatan chases Juniper. The Racatan jumps and tries to swipe Juniper with its claw, but she jumps out of the way)Juniper Lee: I'm sure that if we...(The Racatan tries again to swipe her, but she moves out of the way)Juniper Lee: ...sit down and talk about this...(The Racatan tries to punch her, but she moves out of the way again)Juniper Lee: ...we could work something out!(The Racatan punches the ground, sending Juniper flying into the trees and she falls to the ground)Juniper Lee: Okay, so you're huge, vicious, and furry, but I don't see why Ah-Mah was having a baby about you getting out of your tent.(The Racatan jumps in front of her, inhales and burns down the trees with its firery breath)Juniper Lee: (pops out behind a rock) Right. It was probably because of that. (The Racatan lunges towards her) What?! You're not tired?! You just barbecued a forest!(She runs, but she falls down a hill and Jody's present falls on her lap)Juniper Lee: Hey, this is Ray Ray's knapsack. (angrily to the Racatan) Oh, you made me squish Jody's present. (The Racatan roars) Yeah? You wanna go? Is that what you wanna do, buddy? Well, it's go time.(She jumps, kicks the Racatan, jumps from a tree and grabs the Racatan's horns, making it fall down the cliff, and get its horns tangled in vines. Juniper then uses the vines to make the Racatan repeatedly hit himself)Juniper Lee: Why are you hitting yourself?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?!(She pushes the Racatan, making it slide down a hill as she sees two trees. She uses the horns to trap them into the trees as she jumps off the Racatan and it gets stuck on them)Juniper Lee: I paid $20 for this, rhino rump! Ray Ray Lee: That was awesome! Serving a giant rat, nasty! (laughing)Juniper Lee: Huh? Ray Ray? (jumps up on the rocks) Quick! Give me my knapsack! Ray Ray Lee: Why? Juniper Lee: (sees the Racatan as it sets itself free) Get down!(Ray Ray does so as the jar drops and once again lets out the baresafer)Genie: Free! I'm free! (laughs)Ray Ray Lee: Dude! Juniper Lee: Yeah, sit tight. This will be good. Genie: Free! Sweet, glorious freedom! (singing) Freedom! Sweet freedom! How long I have waited! How long I have pined! Sweet freedom! I-- Huh? (sniffs)Racatan: Uh-oh. Genie: (flies towards the Racatan) Evil beast!(The Racatan screams as the baresafer starts beating it up until they disappear in the sky)Ray Ray Lee: Dude... Juniper Lee: Yeah, remember, baresafers only attack evil beings. Monroe: That, they do. Ray Ray Lee: So cool. Do it again!(We fade back to Jody's house where Juniper, holding Jody's present, rings the doorbell and Jody answers it)Jody Irwin: Hey. Juniper Lee: Hey. Look, I'm sorry I had to skip out on the party. I had to, um... Well, I had to go to my grandmother's. Jody Irwin: Yeah, okay. Well, I'm glad you could come over for a little while. Juniper Lee: Yeah, me too. Anyway, here's your present. It's a little beat up, 'cause, well... just open it.(She hands Jody her present and she opens it)Jody Irwin: Oh, June! Oh, wow! It's a snow globe of Orchid Bay City! (She holds up a snow globe)Juniper Lee: Yeah, it's that really old one you were always looking for, the one that... Jody Irwin: 1963 CityFair limited edition with original wood base and music box. Oh, June, I love it! Thank you! Juniper Lee: You're welcome, Jody. Happy birthday. Jody Irwin: June, we've got leftover cake. Want some?(Ray Ray and Monroe burst into the scene)Ray Ray Lee and Monroe: Cake?! Jody Irwin: (giggles) Come on in. There's enough for everybody. (opens the door and Ray Ray and Monroe run into the house for cake; to Juniper) Why do you have to go to your grandmother's house? Juniper Lee: Oh, rat trouble. Jody Irwin: Ugh! Rats are so gross. Juniper Lee: You have no idea.(Jody goes into her house and Juniper is about to enter when...)Jeff: (offscreen) Psst! June! Junester! Juniper Lee: Oh, man. Jeff: June, I love some cake action. Score me up, June bug! Juniper Lee: Get outta here! Jody Irwin: Who are you talking to? Juniper Lee: Oh, uh, you, I'm talking to you. Let's get outta here, snag us some cake. (laughs) Come on. Jody Irwin: You are so weird. Juniper Lee: (to Jeff) Go! (goes into Jody's house and closes the door)Jeff: Aw, man. You're gonna play me like this? That's cold stuff, dawg. No love for the leprechaun here, no love! Come on, I'll take it to go. Yo, can I least use the bathroom? Please! Epilogue: Underworld Karaoke (We show Juniper and Ray Ray playing video games in their basement)Ray Ray Lee: Hey, where'd that genie took that big hamster dude? Juniper Lee: Hmm. Beats me. Probably singing karaoke in the Underworld.(Cut to Franky's Karaoke in the Underworld where the baresafer and the Racatan are in fact singing karaoke)Genie and Racatan: (singing) Fame! I'm gonna live foreverGenie: Yeah! Genie and Racatan: (singing) I'm gonna learn how to flyGenie: Watch me, I'm flying high! (grabs the Racatan as he was about to leave) Genie and Racatan: (singing) I feel it coming together. People will see me and cryJeff: Yeah! Awesome! You guys rock! You guys know any zeppelin?!(Episode ends) I've Got My Mind on My Mummy and My Mummy on My Mind [1.2] Cold Open (Episode starts on the Lee residence.)Juniper Lee: Ray Ray, what did you do?! Ray Ray Lee: What?(Cut to the bathroom)Juniper Lee: (holding a baseball bat) What did you do?! Ray Ray Lee: Nothing! Juniper Lee: Nothing?! (Reveals a slug monster in the toilet) We've got 400 pound of slug in our toilet! What did you do?! Ray Ray Lee: All I did was mix some of those potions, some of that blue crud that smells like feet and the orange jelly that vibrates, but look what I made! (laughs)Juniper Lee: Oh, Ray Ray, I have a field trip today! I really don't have time to unclog our toilet full of monsters! Monroe: What possessed you to throw it in the toilet? Juniper Lee: He throws everything in the toilet. Ray Ray Lee: That's true. (runs behind her as the slug monster starts biting) Can we keep him? Juniper Lee: Only if he doesn't eat us. (The slug monster bites Juniper's bat) Hey! This is my good bat! (The slug monster throws her on it's back and she rides it like a mechanical bull) Monroe, is there a counterspell for worm boy here? Monroe: (flipping through the pages of a magic book) I can't tell if he's a transmogrification spell or an unleashed Tarabok demon. It makes quite a difference, you know. (continues flipping through the pages)Ray Ray Lee: Whatever he is, he really smells bad! (laughs)(The slug monster smashes Juniper against the wall three times)Juniper Lee: (as she repeatedly hits the slug monster with her fist) Get out of our toilet, dork face!(The slug monster smashes Juniper against the wall one last time, making Juniper get off of it's back, but she lands on the top of the toilet and her foot touches the toilet handle causing the slug monster to be flushed down the toilet. Juniper, Ray Ray and Monroe look over the toilet)Ray Ray Lee: Do it again! Juniper Lee: Shut up. Monroe: Not exactly the textbook method of dispensing with beasties. Juniper Lee: There's room in this toilet for one more, if you like surfing. Monroe: You know, I'll pass.(The toilet burps, disgusting the trio. Cue the theme song) Museum Field Trip (The scene opens up on the Orchid Bay Museum where Juniper, Jody and Ophelia are)Juniper Lee: You know, I like the museum a whole lot better before it was sold to the mall. Ophelia Ramírez: Seriously, this is the worst field trip ever. Jody Irwin: It's not so bad. They have a full Picasso exhibit. (points to said exhibit)Juniper Lee: Yeah, Jeff Picasso. (looks at the map) They make sculptures out of lint. Ophelia Ramírez: Worst ever. Roger, hurry up! Roger Radcliffe: (comes in with a medieval pig) I'm coming! Look what I got King Henry's Medieval Food Court. (places down the pig on a table) You guys want some? It's filled with cheese. (starts chowing down on the pig, which disgusts Juniper, Jody and Ophelia)Ophelia Ramírez: Hey, you get a haircut? Why'd you get a haircut for a field trip? Juniper Lee: Oh, I just felt that I should, you know, look my best for all of the learning. Who was it that said, "if you look good, you learn good", right? Jody Irwin: It's because you're paired up with Marcus Conner for your class project, right? Juniper Lee: That has nothing to do with it. Roger Radcliffe: Marcus rocks. Sharp dresser and never gives wedgies. You gotta respect that. (continues chowing down the pig)Ophelia Ramírez: I'd much rather do my report with Marcus than Todd Feldman. Todd Feldman: (comes in) Greetings, Padawan. It is I, Qui-Gon Todd. We have been instructed by the Jedi Council to investigate and report on the mysteries of the North American elk. Ophelia Ramírez: You call me Padawan again, freak show, AND YOU'LL BE EATING A LIGHTSABER!!!! (Todd runs away)Jody Irwin: Marcus likes you. Like likes you, likes you. I can tell. I have a sense about it. Roger Radcliffe: She does. It's totally creepy. Juniper Lee: (sighs) Will all of you just quit it? I have to do a report on the mummy exhibit with Marcus Conner and that's all there is to it, it's just a report. (Marcus walks behind her) I mean, there is no question that Marcus is a ninth degree babe with the great hair and the cute smile, but that doesn't change the fact that he is standing right behind me, right? Roger Radcliffe: Marcus, 'sup? Want some pig? Marcus Conner: Nah, I'm good. Hey, June. So you wanna go check out out this mummy? Juniper Lee: Oh, um, sure, yeah. I want my mummy. (chuckles nervously)Ophelia Ramírez: That could've been worse. Juniper Lee: Really? Ophelia Ramírez: No, not really. (leaves)(Cut to the Khomen-Ghetit mummy exhibit where Juniper and Marcus are doing a report on Khomen-Ghetit and his tomb)Marcus Conner: He's called Khommen-Ghetit, and he's supposed to be, wow, like 3,000 years old. Except unlike most Egyptian mummies, this guy wasn't buried with a mountain of riches. Juniper Lee: Well, maybe he lost it in a pyramid scheme. Marcus Conner: Yeah? Juniper Lee: (chuckles) No, I was just kidding. You know, a pyramid scheme? Pyramids of Egypt? Mummy? Marcus Conner: Oh, right... (sees the tablets that is in some language) Hey, I saw this thing on TV that the Egyptians didn't build the pyramids, but they were made by aliens. Juniper Lee: Yeah, but I heard that it was the Donnibuck Goblins from Mosilon. Marcus Conner: (confused) Who? Juniper Lee: Oh! Uh... hey, what do you suppose these tablets say? Marcus Conner: Don't know. What language is that? Juniper Lee: Wait, this is Balmean. Marcus Conner: What's Balmean? Juniper Lee: Old dead language. Hmm, but I think I know where we can get a translation. (smiles)(Cut to the house at night)Monroe: Absolutely not! I will not be a party to this! Juniper Lee: Monroe, it's your job to help me! Monroe: No, it's my job to assist the Te Xuan Ze in maintaining the harmony between humanity and the world of magic, not to help you cheat on your homework! Juniper Lee: It's not cheating! I'm just utilizing all of my assets. Some people use encyclopedias, I use a small, annoying dog who speaks Balmean and gets gas when he eats Indian food. Monroe: (sarcastically) Ooh, do I offend Her Majesty? Juniper Lee: (shows him the Balmean words) Translate this! Monroe: What do you think I am, the internet?! Juniper Lee: No, the internet doesn't tend to complain as much!(Marcus comes in)Marcus Conner: Everything okay? I heard yelling.(Monroe grabs Juniper's notepad and starts ripping it as she's still holding it)Juniper Lee: Oh, yeah. Bad dog! Bad dog, Monroe! Stop that! Bad boy! Stop it!(Monroe lets go of her notepad and spits out the paper)Monroe: And what a proud moment this is. Juniper Lee: (chuckles) I can't tell ya how many times my dog has actually eaten my homework. (wipes off Monroe's saliva off her notepad)Marcus Conner: Yeah. For a little guy, he sure seems to have a lot of attitude. Juniper Lee: You have no idea. Marcus Conner: Not much chance of getting this translated. Juniper Lee: Yeah, sorry. I guess we'll have to go back to the museum tomorrow. Marcus Conner: Eh, no big deal. It's not like the mummy's going anywhere. The Awakening of Khomen-Ghetit (Cut back to the Orchid Bay Museum where ancient magic-worshiping cultists do a sinister ritual in attempt to bring Khomen-Gehtit back from the dead with the Orb of Rafook)Cult Leader: Return to this plane, O Great One! End your long sleep! By the darkness that eclipses the dawn and the light that fuse the day! Rise by the Eye of the Bastul, by the Hand of Ramot! Rise, O Great Khomen-Ghetit! RISE!! RISE!!!!(The Orb of Rafook activates and brights up the exhibit until it stops. Khomen-Ghetit's arm moves a little)Cult Leader: O Great One, is it true? Have you awakened? Khomen-Ghetit: (awakens) YEE-HAW! You bet I have! I'm wound tighter than a three-ton piñata at an octopus square-dance! Woo-hoo! Cult Leader: The heck is this? Cultist: Khomen-Ghetit? Khomen-Ghetit: That's me, son! You called, and I have answered. I'm hotter than a sumo in Miami Beach. Ha ha! Somebody dance with me, I've got me the fever! Cult Leader: Yeah, wait, sorry, excuse me. You are the great sublime and exalted Khomen-Ghetit? Khomen-Ghetit: You can bet your hot-handled heinie, but everybody calls me Skeeter. (wheezes)Cult Leader: Oh, come on, now. Skeeter: All right! Now, I'm gonna needs me, as the Frenchy says, some accoutrements. Get me one of them cellular phones, a secretary who can make decent pot of coffee, a flat-screen TV and, oh, yeah, new duds. 'Cause these here bandages past ripe... (smells his armpit) Whoo! About 1,200 years ago! Come on, now, fellers, get your boots on. The rodeo's in town! (slaps the Cult Leader's butt) Whoo! (leaves through the exit)Cultist: I like him! Cult Leader: Shut up!(Cut to daytime where the police are investigating the museum)Marcus Conner: Man, will you look at this? I don't get it. There's a ton of valuable art inside. Why would anybody want to steal some mummy? Juniper Lee: (sighs) Oh, man. We've got a report to do, and our subject is missing in action. Marcus Conner: Come on, we can still swing it. We've got your big brain on the job. (walks down the street)Juniper Lee: Oh, my brain's not... well... it's not that big. (walks with him)Marcus Conner: Nah, you got the goods. You knew those tablets were in... Whatever, Malbeman... Juniper Lee: Balmean. Marcus Conner: Right. All we have to do is point you in the right direction and you can make with the mad research. Just tell me how I can help. Juniper Lee: Uh, great. Sure, let's go. I bet we can totally find stuff. First, we have to check out the-- (Her bracelet starts glowing) Oh, man. I just knew that was gonna happen. Marcus Conner: June, you okay? Juniper Lee: No, um... Well, yeah, I... Listen, um, I forgot, I gotta go to my grandmother's. Marcus Conner: Oh, okay. Juniper Lee: Yeah, I-it’s just like for an hour or so, I promise. Hey, um why don't you go to the library and I'll meet you there, okay? Marcus Conner: Okay, that should be cool. Juniper Lee: Great! (runs off) See you in an hour! I'll, um, bring my big brain! (to herself) "Big brain"? Such an idiot.(She jumps, swings on a branch of tree, jumps off two branches and lands in a cemetery where dead people bodies are missing)Juniper Lee: Ugh, that is just gross. I would like to go just one week without somebody stealing all the bodies out of a graveyard. (turns around and sees a zombie on a hill) Hey, you! Yeah, you, Zippy! Hold it right there! (the zombie gasps in shock) Ugh, Dawn of the Icky Dead. A zombie? Oh, man, I hate zombies. (the zombie retreats) Hey! I said, freeze!(The zombie continues running with Juniper in hot pursuit in the city as she jumps off a car, swings off a telephone pole and runs on the roof of the buildings to catch up to him as he runs into an alley)Juniper Lee: You're just making this worse on yourself, pal! (the zombie struggles to open a door but is cornered) Got ya now, Uncle Fester! (she pins the zombie down with the door broken down)Zombie: Let me go! I'm late for work! I gotta punch in! Juniper Lee: What? (sees zombies working in a restaurant as they look at her blankly and get back to work)Skeeter: Welcome, little lady, to Skeeter Khomen-Ghetit's Waffle & Rib Emporium! Juniper Lee: You gotta be kidding. Skeeter: No, ma'am. Come on in and take a gander at the finest eatery this bird will ever see! We're hotter than a tar roof in Georgia, that's hot!(A zombie employee is carrying a lot of dishes and places them down a table but breaks his arms)Zombie Employee: Uh, little help?(Another zombie employee mans the grill, but another zombie employee carrying boxes bumps into him, causing his head to be decapitated and land on the grill)Zombie Employee 2: Sorry, my bad. Zombie Employee 3: Eh, don't worry about it.(Another zombie employee gives the boxes to his coworker as he organizes them, but he hands him another box, causing half of his body to break off and fall to the ground)Juniper Lee: But you can't use zombies. Skeeter: They're an untapped workforce and cheap! (grabs one of his employees and rubs his head) No health or dental plan. They're dead and they ain't got no teeth. Juniper Lee: Look, you're not getting it, Methuselah. I am the Te Xuan Ze, the law in these parts. And I am telling you, I will not let you do this! Skeeter: I know, and I'm telling you... (a trapdoor activates under Juniper and she falls into it) I ain't asking permission!(Juniper continues sliding down the trapdoor) Grand Opening of Skeeter's Waffle & Rib Emporium (Fades into a family in a commercial)Announcer: Have you heard Orchid Bay's new dining sensation? Why, it's Uncle Skeeter's joint! Singers: ♪If you're done a-hankering and you're hungry for some chow,Come on down and get yourself the best chow around!Where portions are humongous and diets are for jerks,Belly up to the diet that really works!We got a goat on a hat-box, chicken on a cot,There's a tap-dancing monkey jumping on a pot!Hippies juggling penguins, an ape in a suit,There's nine happy sheepdogs and one old coot!There are dogs playing poker, and a hippo eating corn,There's a bearded lady playing a French horn!Got ribs every morning and waffles every night,We can fire 'em if it don't go right!We're open every day, and we don't disappoint,So split your pants at Uncle Skeeter's joint!♪ Skeeter: Get your butts in here, this here bit don't pay for itself! YEE-HAW! Announcer: Come on down to Skeeter Khomen-Ghetit's Waffle & Rib Emporium!(The commercial ends)Monroe: Uh-oh. Ray Ray Lee: Hey, wasn't that the mummy June asked you about? You know, the one that you refused to give her any help with? Monroe: Well, I... perhaps... Ray Ray Lee: The one who's on television, running a restaurant full of zombies?! Monroe: Alright, so this one slipped by me a little! Ray Ray Lee: A little? Dude's on the TV, you passed "little" a few miles back! Monroe: It's not my job help her with her homework! I have been guiding the Te Xuan Ze for over 300 years. I have a respectable batting average. Ray Ray Lee: Well, Babe Ruth, there's a 3,000 year-old mummy raising the dead and cooking waffles! (dials a number and Marcus answers his phone)Marcus Conner: Hello? Ray Ray Lee: Yo, Marcus, this is Ray Ray Lee. What's up, big man? Marcus Conner: Ray Ray? Oh, June's little brother, right? How did you get my number? Ray Ray Lee: I stole it out of June's diary. Listen, have you seen my sister around? Marcus Conner: Well, no. She was supposed to meet me at the library an hour ago. Ray Ray Lee: Oh, man, she stood you up? That's cold. Marcus Conner: Man, she didn't stand me up! She said she was going to your grandmother's house. You saying she isn't? Ray Ray Lee: I don't know, I don't pay that much attention to most stuff, you know? Well, it's good talking to you, later, bro! (hangs up)Marcus Conner: Wait! Could you tell me where June i-- Ray Ray Lee: She flaked out on Marcus. Something's up. Way up.(Cut to Juniper still sliding down the trapdoor until she lands in a dungeon)Juniper Lee: Oh, dude, this is just getting more and more irritating by the minute. (kicks down her cell door) Ugh, fabulous, a dungeon. Why do all these losers have dungeons? Cult Leader: (from his cell) We raised Khomen-Ghetit because he was supposed to be the source of wealth and power. Juniper Lee: (coming towards the Cult Leader's cell door) Excuse me? Cult Leader: We didn't think that meant opening a fast food chain. Then he locked me up just because I refused the position as a regional manager for the Southwest territories. I'm a master of the dark magic, for Pete's sake! Juniper Lee: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sounds rough. How'd you get General Lee up and around again? Cult Leader: We raised him with the Orb of Rafook.(Scenario begins to what would happen if Skeeter uses the Orb of Rafook)Cult Leader: (voice-over) If the orb's not destroyed before sunset, Khommen-Ghetit will become immortal. The restaurant chain will pop up on every corner of the city, then all over the world. And the dead will never rest, they'll work for him for all eternity, without overtime.(Scenario ends)Juniper Lee: Got it. Ice the orb, save the world from ribs and waffles. I'm out of here. Cult Leader: Hey! Hey, listen! Take me with you! Look, this dungeon is an elaborate maze rife with obstacles. I know the way out. I can help.(Juniper thinks about it for a second and uses her superhuman strength to break down the Cult Leader's cell door)Juniper Lee: Okay, but if you're double-crossing me, I'll kick your butt so bad you'll be wearing it as shoulder pads!(They start exploring the dungeon)Cult Leader: You're pretty strong for a little girl. Juniper Lee: And you're a guy in a dress who woke up a mummy. Sneaking Into the Restaurant (We see a long line of people waiting at the restaurant as Ray Ray and Monroe, in Western clothing go to the back door)Monroe: Ray Ray, this is idiocy. Ray Ray Lee: Look, June's gotta be here somewhere. Just try and blend in.(They see the zombies working in the kitchen)Monroe: They're zombies, do you expect us to blend? Ray Ray Lee: Watch and learn, dude. (walks into the kitchen while imitating a zombie) Brains, must get brains, uuhhh, brains… Zombie Employee: Are you okay there? Ray Ray Lee: Yeah, I'm supposed to work, uh, the deep fryer. Zombie Employee: Oh, great. Come on.(Ray Ray gives Monroe two thumbs up as Monroe walks in)Monroe: Yes, very good. You're like James Bond.(Cut to the dungeon where Juniper fights off hillbilly demons)Cult Leader: That's great! Six demons to go, and we're done with Level 1. Juniper Lee: (panting) Great. (punches one hillbilly demon)(We cut back to the kitchen where Monroe surveys the area and sees a door that says "Do Not Enter Partner". He walks towards it and enters Skeeter's office where the Orb of Rafook is. Cut to Ray Ray manning the fryers)Intercom: Six orders of tasty taters, three orders of taters supreme, four orders of junior taters, three cheesy tasty taters supreme!(Ray Ray pours two buckets of taters and the second bucket, causing it to bubble and explode, creating a huge mess. He grabs a fire extinguisher and sprays the kitchen with it, but Skeeter catches him)Skeeter: If you're a zombie, then I'm a prom queen, and we both know it's been a long time since prom. (kicks his door open while carrying Ray Ray, catching Monroe in his office with the Orb of Rafook) Not so fast, puppy dog! (grabs Monroe and places him and Ray Ray on chairs) Little fellers, why are y'all messing with my nutritious lard-fried barbecue at reasonable prices at a family-friendly enviornment? Monroe: "Family-friendly"? There's dead people serving them! Skeeter: Well, pardon us for not living! I am sorry we do not meet up to your very high standards, Your Majesty! Besides, puppy dog, these zombified folks, cheap as they come. They don't eat, sleep, need new clothes. Daddy is making bank with very little overhead, and I'll tell ya... (notices Ray Ray is gone) Say, where'd that little feller go? Defeating Skeeter (Cut to Ray Ray with a sign saying "Union Now!")Ray Ray Lee: Hey, brothers and sisters, cast off your egg yokes of oppression!(The zombies stop and pay attention to Ray Ray)Ray Ray Lee: Free yourselves form the bad work-related stuff! (puts the sign down) Hey, this mummy dude is like… he's like Darth Vader with his whole breathing heavy and strangling guys with the mind control, but you kids are the Stormtroopers! Yeah, the cats who do the real work! But even Stormtroopers get coffee breaks! Come on, don't you wanna stick it to the man?! Stick it to the man, baby! Zombie Employee 1: I do! I do want to… stick it to the man! Zombie Employee 2: I'd like to haunt my relatives! Zombie Employee 3: Yeah! I don't eat lunch, but I'd sure like the hour to, uh, I don't know, read the paper! Zombie Employee 4: I'd visit a dairy and see how milk is processed!(The zombies, unionized by Ray Ray's speech, throw their worker hats down, stomp on them and continuously chant "Stick it to the man!". Skeeter comes out of his office)Skeeter: Oh, rub-a-dud! You agitate my zombies into uniontazating. Nothing doin', it's time to triple the work force! (lifts up the Orb of Rafook) Alright, worm food, on your feet and man the slop bucket! (uses the orb to hypnotize the zombies)(Cut to the cemetery where more zombies come out of their graves and head towards the restaurant.)Skeeter: YEE-HA-HA-HAW! It's a dead man's party! Monroe: Alright, my Kentucky-fried King Tut, no more Mr. Nice Monroe! (steps on a circle object that activates a laser to show Juniper's location)(We cut back to the dungeon where Juniper fights off a huge boar monster until she knocks it out by punching it)Cult Leader: Nice! We're really making good time. Juniper Lee: (sighs) I'm so glad you're pleased.(The laser Monroe activated shows Juniper and the Cult Leader's way out)Cult Leader: What's that? Juniper Lee: That's my dog, and he's showing us the way out. Ya ready to go bubba? Cult Leader: Sure! Juniper Lee: Good. 'Cause it's go-time.(She starts punching concrete on the ceiling of the dungeon. Cut to the surface where Skeeter welcomes the hypnotized zombies into the restaurant)Skeeter: Welcome aboard! Come in in! Say! Hey, Chester! Looking good! You know, wanted to see sorta way! (laughs) Make yourself comfortable. (The ground vibrates, due to Juniper's punching) Tarnation!(Juniper finally punches the floor back to the surface)Juniper Lee: All right! I have fought a small army of hillbilly demons, punched my way through 200 feet of concrete and I lost my favorite pair of earings! Now, where are you, bandage boy? I'm hankerin' for some hurtin'! Skeeter: (attempts to retreat through the zombie crowd with the Orb of Rafook) Pardon. Excuse me, I, you know, I gotta see a man about a horse. Heads up! Hot soup! Coming through.(Ray Ray notices this, knee-slides across the floor and grabs the orb from Skeeter)Ray Ray Lee: June, alley-oop!(He throws the orb to Juniper, to Skeeter's shock, and she throws the orb into the deep-fryer, destroying it)Skeeter: I'll be back! All you horse thieves just wait for the grand re-opening of Skeeter Khomen-Ghetit's Waffle & Barbe-- (disintegrates into dust)Zombie: Who do we see about getting paid? Zombie 2: Yeah! Juniper Lee: (sighs) So, now I've got to get all these zombies back to their graves, call Marcus and hope that he doesn't hate me, and finish my report. Monroe: Yes, sounds rough. Juniper Lee: Your concern is overwhelming. Monroe: What do you want me to do, cry? Ray Ray Lee: (eating waffles) I gotta tell you, (chomps) the mummy may have raised a million zombies and tried to take over the world but (chomps again) he makes a mean waffle. Try some, they totally rock. Juniper Lee: Oh, Ray Ray, don’t eat those, they’re evil! Ray Ray Lee: Whatever, man. Hey, zombie dude, give me some syrup! (eats the last piece of waffles)(Cut to the Lee residence where Juniper and Marcus are doing their report)Marcus Conner: This is amazing! Khomen-Ghetit was one of the chief investors of an a proposed aqueduct system in Egypt? Juniper Lee: Yeah, but it all caved in and they flooded the city. What a jerk. Marcus Conner: June, this is great. We make an awesome team. Juniper Lee: Thanks. I think so, too. Marcus Conner: This stuff is so cool. Where did you get all this info on the mummy? I couldn't find anything like this at the library. Juniper Lee: I have my sources. Epilogue: Doing June's Homework Ray Ray Lee: This is so not cool. We saved the day. Why do we have to do her homework? Monroe: We are the soldiers in the battle against evil, this is our duty. And the faster you write, the sooner we get out, which I hope is soon, I need to be walked. Juniper Lee: (offscreen) I hear complaining, but I don't hear writing! Monroe: Well, cheating on homework sometimes requires discussion, you harpy! We're on the case! Ray Ray Lee: Yeah, we're soldiers for evil! Monroe: Soldiers against evil! Ray Ray Lee: I'm considering my options.(Episode ends) It Takes a Pillage [1.3] Cold Open (Fade in the daytime sky as seagulls fly by, then the camera pans down on Juniper, Jody, Ophelia and Roger walking through the park.)Ophelia Ramírez: This is gonna be so awful. Jody Irwin: Oh, come on, Ophelia, you say everything is gonna be awful. It's gonna be fun. Ophelia Ramírez: Okay, yeah, right. If you look up "fun" in the dictionary, you're not gonna find "singing in chorus at an old folks' home". Roger Radcliffe: I bet you find robots. Robots are fun, but not to be trusted. Juniper Lee: Ophelia, if you hate chorus so much, why'd you join? Ophelia Ramírez: I was blocking another after-school activity. Juniper Lee: Your mom signed you up for ballet again, huh? Ophelia Ramírez: Hello, for the fifth time. Roger Radcliffe: Ballet rocks! It's always about swan kings and nutcrackers and monkeys and-- Juniper Lee: What ballet has monkeys in it? Roger Radcliffe: An awesome one.(Juniper's bracelet glows)Juniper Lee: Oops! I think I dropped my house key! (runs off as Jody and Roger look on and Ophelia shrugs)(She runs, swings on a branch, somersaults up in the air and dives into the trees. Cut to a wheeled monster battling a five-armed monster as the wheeled monster punches the five-armed monster to a rock. The two monsters briefly growl at each other and the five-armed monster uses its arms to punch the wheeled monster, knocking it down. The five-armed monster grabs a bench and is about to throw it at the wheeled monster, but Juniper grabs it from a tree)Juniper Lee: Now is this a good use of our time? I don't think so! (throws the bench away)(She lands on the ground to face the five-armed monster as it tries to hit Juniper, but misses. She jumps to avoid another hit by the five-armed monster and dives towards it, finishing it with an elbow drop. As the dust clears, she faces the wheeled monster as she kracks her knuckles and the wheeled monster growls... but it immediately retreats)Juniper Lee: What a wuss.(Cut back to Jody, Roger and Ophelia)Roger Radcliffe: And then the monkey king starts spitting and stuff going, "Who's the man? Who's the man? Who's the man?" Jody Irwin: Wait, now the monkey's a man? Juniper Lee: (walks back towards them) Hey, guys, I got them... I mean it. I got it.(They continue walking as the camera pans to a large, fearsome-looking pink demon, wielding an axe, standing above a cliff)Demon: Ah, Juniper Lee, the Te Xuan Ze, great protector of Orchid Bay City, hmm. Look at you in your petty existence. While you rest in your warm room of ignorance, I am devising a plan that will unleash a thousand furies upon the land! Soon, every man, woman and child will feel my wrath, and all will bow, BOW before the great and powerful-- (gets a rock thrown at him and falls unconsciously)Juniper Lee: (holding a rock) I can hear you! Drama queen. (drops the rock and continues walking)(Cue the theme song) School Chorus/The Viking Ghosts of Takar (Scene begins at the Orchid Bay Nursing Home where Juniper mans the piano while her classmates are doing the singing as the elderly folks are taking seats)Students: ♪Do re mi fa so la ti doDo re mi fa so la ti do♪ Music Teacher: Stop! Stop! I hear a mucus! Who had dairy? Juniper Lee: Roger, what's with the robe? Roger Radcliffe: Don't you know, mama? Inside out is in! Ophelia Ramírez: Okay, not when your mom writes your name in your clothes. (Juniper and Jody giggle as Roger looks at his robe with his name on it, knowing what she's talking about)Roger Radcliffe: Oh, man! Be right back. (leaves the room)(Cut to a nurse carrying a man's box in the hallway)Nurse: Mr. Skarsgård, we've got to move some of your things into storage. It's a fire hazard. Mr. Skarsgård: No, no, it's no fire hazard. (the nurse opens a closet and his stuff fall out and catch fire as the nurse glares at him) Okay, maybe a little.(The nurse tries to put out the fire by stomping as a half-split medallion falls out of the pile and rolls away. Cut to Roger using permanent markers to write "Rules" below his name on his robe)Roger Radcliffe: Now that's what I'm talkin' about! Yeah! (he sees the medallion and picks it up) Booyah!(He pulls out bling and other jewelery and places the medallion on them as he hears the sounds of an alphorn as he goes and sees a man practicing his alphorn near the exit)Alphorn Man: Sorry, this is the only place they let me practice.(Cut back to the chorus room where Roger comes back in)Roger Radcliffe: Yo ladies, wanna see something fine? Jody Irwin: Please don't moon us again.(Roger shows them the medallion)Ophelia Ramírez: Wow, ugly and broken. Nice one, Roge. Roger Radcliffe: Yeah, good times. Music Teacher: So without any further adieu. Miss Lee. (Juniper nods) A-one, two, three, four! Students: ♪"Abba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba"Said the monkey to the chimp."Abba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba"Said the chimp, "I love but you."♪(As the students sing, the medallion unleashes viking ghosts and starts possessing the students' bodies, starting with Roger)Roger Radcliffe: (as he gets possessed by a viking ghost) ♪"Abba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba"Said the chimp, "I love but you."♪ Students: (as they get possessed by the viking ghosts) ♪"Abba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba"Said the chimp, "I love but you."♪ Viking Ghost (Child 1): ♪Then the ol' baboon, one night in June♪ Viking Ghost (Ophelia Ramírez): ♪Married them and very soon♪ Viking Ghost-Possessed Children: ♪I was a viking oldMy deeds, though manifoldNo skald in song has toldNo saga taught thee!♪ Female Elder Resident: This is so much better than last week, what with the cockamamie puppet show they gave us. Male Elder Resident: Yeah, they stunk on ice. Viking Ghost-Possessed Children: ♪No skald in song has toldNo saga taught thee!Take heed, that in thy verseThou dost the tale rehearse♪ Viking Ghost Leader (Jody Irwin): Brothers, we are free! (they rip off their robes) Grab hold of the world, for it is ours!(The viking ghost-possessed children cheer and run out of the building as the elderly folks cheer on them and Juniper tries to follow them, but gets blocked)Juniper Lee: Excuse me, I think my friends are possessed. Pardon me, um, on your right. I, uh... pardon me. (an elder woman gets behind her) Ow! That's my foot. (an elder man gets behind her) Ow! That's the other one. Nurse: Meds and cookies now being served in the Sunset Lounge.(The elder folks rush off to the Sunset Lounge as Juniper is being crowd surfed by them)Juniper Lee: Hey! The Viking Ghost-Possessed Children Wreak Havoc (The viking ghost-possessed children burst out of the nursing home and into the city as they run down the street)Viking Ghost (Roger Radcliffe): Hey, you're a girl. Viking Ghost Leader (Jody Irwin): What? (stops and sees his reflection in a mirror of a book store) Aah, I am! I'm a little girl! And I've got terrible shoes. (sees the medallion on the viking ghost-possessed Roger's chest and grabs it from him) Brothers, we of the cursed Kragnarok Clan have been freed, but our journey is not complete. We have but one half of the--(Jump cut to Juniper's room where Monroe looks through the magic book and Ray Ray holds the phone over Monroe's ear to talk to Juniper)Monroe: Medallion of Takar. If the vikings find the other half, they'll take permenant residence in your friends' bodies. Ray Ray Lee: Cool! Vikings rock! Are they turning over cars and setting them on fire? (laughs)Juniper Lee: Tell Ray Ray to shut up. Monroe: Can I also bite him? It's been a personal dream of mine. Ray Ray Lee: We're gonna bite people? Sick! Sign me up! Monroe: Oh, for pity's sake. Juniper Lee: Sounds like we better get the other half of the medallion before they do. (rushes into her room and grabs Monroe) Come on! Monroe: But I can't! My soaps are on! Today, Monica finds out who the baby's father is. Juniper Lee: Oh, it's Richard, duh! (she walks out)Monroe: No! Ray Ray Lee: June, your peeps are, like, totally vikinged out, huh? Juniper Lee: (offscreen) Yes! Ray Ray Lee: Can I come, too? Juniper Lee: (offscreen) Oh, all right, but you're watching the dog! And bring a jacket! Ray Ray Lee: Yes! Right on! (grabs his jacket) You think they're pillaging? I bet they're pillaging!(Cut to to the viking ghost-possessed children who are trashing a food cart)Food Vendor: Which one of you kids is paying for this? Viking Ghost (Ophelia Ramírez): I'll pay for it... in blood! Food Vendor: Blood? Forget about it, cash only.(The viking ghost leader-possessed Jody leader bites on sausages and sees a logo of a medallion on the food vendor's Java Hut coffee cup, which matches the actual Medallion of Takar)Viking Ghost Leader (Jody Irwin): (spits) The Medallion! To Java Hut!(Cut to Java Hut where the viking ghost-possessed children are trashing it)Viking Ghost Leader (Jody Irwin): (grabs a barista by the apron) We want the Medallion of Takar! Male Barista: Okay, is that caff, half-caff or non-caff? Female Barista: (to the viking ghost-possessed Roger) Can I interest in a soy non-fat Americcino latte? Viking Ghost (Roger Radcliffe): I'll drink mead from the Skull of the Vanquished! Female Barista: Okay, your name?(The viking ghost leader-possessed Jody sees a sign for boat trips to Takar Island)Viking Ghost Leader (Jody Irwin): Brothers, I know the path we take!(The viking ghost-possessed children run out)Female Barista: Hey, don't you want your drink card punched? (The viking ghost-possessed Ophelia bites the drink card)(The viking ghost-possessed children run to the pier and stop at a casino-based viking boat)Teen Casino Host: Welcome, all ye, to the Valley Viking Casino and Grill. Come and try your luck on the lossest slots this side of Valhalla. Sample the best seat for-- (gets grabbed by the viking ghost-possessed children as they get on board)(The viking ghost-possessed children grab viking clothing from viking mannequins and dress themselves with them. Cut to two guys playing Blackjack)Guy: Hit me.(The viking ghost-possessed children run past them as the viking ghost-possessed Ophelia jumps on the Blackjack table and jumps off) Sailing to Takar Island (The boat sails away as Junipe arrives too late)Ray Ray Lee: They stole a boat! Too aweomse! Let's swim after 'em! Monroe: Do you want to smell wet dog for the rest of the day? Juniper Lee: We need transportation.(Juniper hijacks a tour boat that goes slow)Ray Ray Lee: I'm the king of the world! Whoooo! (to a bearded guy on a rowboat) Ahoy, matey! Bearded Guy: Ahoy yourself. (rows away)Monroe: You couldn't have picked something faster? Juniper: This was the only thing I could find? What, do you have a better idea how to catch them? Monroe: Well, yes, Captain Nemo, actually, I do. Juniper: Mr. Scott, you have the bridge. Monroe: Oh, shut up. Juniper Lee: (to a group of tourists) Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention? Thank you for choosing... (sees a sign that reads "Uncle Cappy's Island Tours") ...Uncle Cappy's Island Tours! I'm, uh, Uncle Cappy, and today is... uh, very special, because we are going to be reinacting the Battle of Orchid Bay! Tourists: Oooooh! Juniper Lee: Which, as you all know, was... against vikings. But first we have to catch 'em,(The tourists are using paddles to catch up to the viking boat)Ray Ray Lee: (chanting) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Female Tourist: (giggles; to her husband) And you wanted to go to Paris.(At the viking boat, the viking ghost-possessed Ophelia ghost looks through binoculars to see the tourist boat)Viking Ghost (Ophelia Ramírez): We're being followed. Viking Ghost Leader (Jody Irwin): If only if we had a catapult. Teen Casino Host: Uh, there's one in the seafood buffet. (points to a catapult in the seafood buffet)Viking Ghost (Roger Radcliffe): Oh, scallops.(Cut back to the tour boat)Ray Ray Lee: Stroke! Stroke! Juniper Lee: Monroe, what is that? (sees a roulette wheel falling towards them) Oh, crud! Monroe: INCOMING!!!(The roulette wheel lands on the boat, breaking a hole on the boat, as the tourists scream)Female Tourist: So realistic! Juniper Lee: Okay, this is annoying. (looks in shock as she sees a slot machine falling towards them) Takar Island (We see more objects being fired at the tourist boat, including the teen host as he gets up)Ray Ray Lee: You okay, dude?(The teen host holds his arms and waves)Monroe: Take cover!(He and Ray Ray run as the slot machine lands on the tourist boat)Viking Ghost Leader (Jody Irwin): Keep firing! Send them to the bottom of the sea!(The viking ghost-possessed children use the catapult to fire a poker table at the tourist boat. Another female tourist is about to take a picture of the couple, but...)Juniper Lee: Look out! (pushes the tourists out of the way as the casino sign tears half of the tourist boat, getting Juniper wet) Uh-oh. Female Tourist 2: Could you do that again? My flash didn't go off. Ray Ray Lee: (chuckles) We're sinking. Could this get any cooler?! Juniper Lee: (runs to the front of the boat) So, there's one thing I forgot to mention about the Battle of Orchid Bay: we lost. Abandon ship!(The tourists cheer as Ray Ray give them life jackets)Ray Ray Lee: Thank you for coming, tell your friends, Bye bye, take care. Bye bye, yeah, thanks for coming. Buckle up, now. Come back again. Bye bye, yep. Arrivederci.Female Tourist: (as Ray Ray gives her a lifebuoy) We had such a good time! (jumps off the boat)Male Tourist: (as Ray Ray gives him a lifebuoy) Ha ha! I tell ya, I had forgotten how much I love history! (jumps off the boat)(The viking ghost-possessed children cheer as the tourist boat sinks and Juniper, Ray Ray and Monroe are on a life raft)Juniper Lee: Oh, they're heading to Takar Island. Monroe: I thought that was obvious-- Medallion of Takar, Island of Takar. Juniper Lee: Wow, you almost went a whole five minutes without being condescending. (starts the enginge)Ray Ray Lee: Takar? Isn't that where there's a jail full of gangsters and criminal masterminds? Juniper Lee: Nope, not anymore. Now it's something much, much worse: an outlet mall.(Close up to Takar Island where two mall managers are keeping an eye out for customers)Mall Manager 1: See anything? Mall Manager 2: We haven't had customers in eight months. Do ya think I see anything? Mall Manager 1: We've gotta advertise more. Mall Manager 2: Or maybe we shouldn't have built a mall IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!!! What are we, stupid?! Mall Manager 1: Wait! What's that? Mall Manager 2: (sees through her binoculars to see the viking boat sailing towards the island) It's a ship. Customers! Mall Manager 1: Customers! Customers!(The second mall manager opens a fake pelican's mouth and presses a button that sounds an alarm)Janitor: (reads a newspaper when he hears the alarm) Customers! Takar Island Employee: (gasps) Customers?(The stores open, the fryers are set and perfume ladies grab perfumes and run to docks as the viking ship stops)Perfume Lady: Hi there, good day, love your scarf. Would you like to try our new scent? Evaporation, it's like wearing nothing at all. We're offering it-- (they get trampled by the viking ghost-possessed children)Viking Ghost Leader (Jody Irwin): Search the island!(Cut to them at a map directory)Viking Ghost (Child 2): Look under "men's apparel". Viking Ghost (Child 3): No, "specialty shops", "specialty shops". Viking Ghost Leader (Jody Irwin): (looks through the map) There.(Cut to a store called Cursed Medallions and Things where the viking ghost-possessed children look in shock at various medallions and jewelry)Viking Ghost (Ophelia Ramírez): This could take a while. Viking Ghost Leader (Jody Irwin): Tear the place apart!(The viking ghost-possessed children start trashing the shop)Viking Ghost (Child 4): (holding a pair of earings) Do these make me look cursed?(Juniper, Ray Ray and Monroe arrive below the dock)Perfume Lady: Oh, hello! Would you like to try-- No! (they once again get trampled by, this time, Juniper, Ray Ray and Monroe)(The trio arrive at the front of the store and see the viking ghost-possessed children trashing it)Juniper Lee: Uh, this might take a while. Monroe: (looks above) Longer than they think.(They see the other half of the medallion stuck inside the "O" of the shopsign) Defeating the Vikings (Juniper jumps up to the logo and takes the other half of the medallion, but almost gets cut by the viking ghost leader-possessed Jody who uses an axe)Viking Ghost Leader (Jody Irwin): Give me the medallion, you milk-livered runt! Juniper Lee: Runt?! I've got two inches on you! Viking Ghost Leader (Jody Irwin): Not for long!(The viking ghost leader-possessed Jody tries to chop Juniper with the axe, but Juniper jumps to the top of the roof and uses a pole to block the axe)Ray Ray Lee: (grabs his knapsack) Come on, chick fight on the roof! Juniper Lee: Jody, I get your possessed! (as the viking ghost leader-possessed Jody repeatedly tries to chop Jody with the axe) But there's gotta be a small part that can still hear me! So I was wondering if I could ask that small part-- (avoids the axe by the viking ghost leader-possessed Jody) Cut it out!(The viking ghost leader-possessed Jody tries again, but hits the window)Juniper Lee: Don't make me get tough!(The viking ghost leader-possessed Jody charges and cuts the pole into two as Juniper looks down, throws the pole down and takes out the other half of the medallion)Juniper Lee: Okay, okay, okay, you can have the stupid thing.(The viking ghost leader-possessed Jody throws the axe aside and walks to get it, but Juniper jumps up and grabs the first half of the medallion as Ray Ray opens the door on the viking ghost leader-possessed Jody)Ray Ray Lee: June, we're here!(The viking ghost leader-possessed Jody looses balance and is about to fall off the roof, but Ray Ray grabs the foot)Ray Ray Lee: Gotcha! Whoa!(They're about to fall of the roof, but Juniper grabs Ray Ray by the foot)Viking Ghost Leader (Jody Irwin): Let me go! Ray Ray Lee: No way! This isn't your body, Conan! We want it back! Viking Ghost Leader (Jody Irwin): NEVER!!! (starts kicking Ray Ray on the head)Ray Ray Lee: Hey, June, anytime you wanna do something to stop the kicking is fine by me! Juniper Lee: Monroe, how do I break the curse?! Monroe: (taking out his lorebook) All right, the Medallion of Takar was created in 839 by Tasmanian warlodge, the Wardoff of Blunderburg. Ray Ray Lee: (as he keeps getting kicked in the head by the viking leader-possessed Jody) Short version! Short version! Monroe: It can be destroyed by thrusting both halves into the fiery depths of Mount Kiln on the second moon of the harvest. Juniper Lee: Can I just crush it? Monroe: Sure, if you want to lose all the poetry.(Juniper crushes the Medallion of Takar in her hand, breaking the curse and causing all of the ghost vikings to exit the children's bodies)Viking Ghost Leader: (as he exits Jody's body) I only wanted love! Ray Ray Lee: Cool! Jody Irwin: June!(Juniper gasps as Jody's foot slips out of her show and she falls down from the side of the building. In shock, Juniper throws Ray Ray back on the roof, leaps down and uses her super speed to run down the side of the building to where Jody is and she lands on her arms)Jody Irwin: June? Juniper Lee: Jody. (sighs) Good to see you again. Jody Irwin: What happened? (the other children come out)Juniper Lee: Well, we were singing, you know, at the nursing home, and now we're just... Jody Irwin: We're at the mall! (takes off the viking helmet) We're at the mall! (runs excitedly with the classmates)Ophelia Ramírez: Okay, whatever possessed me to come to the mall? Juniper Lee: (makes an "I don't know" gesture) Hey, you wanna get a pedicure? Ophelia Ramírez: Eh, when in Rome. (they walk away)Monroe: Aye, looks like we saved the day yet again. Ray Ray Lee: We? All you did was read from a book! Monroe: Shut up and get me nachos.(Cut to the viking ship sailing back to Orchid Bay City)Jody Irwin: (holds up a pink shirt) I know, and I also got this, which I totally thought wasn't gonna fit 'cause it's a 2, and I'm a 4, but it was on sale, so I was like, "Okay!" Female Tourist: Ahoy, Uncle Cappy! (Juniper sees the tourists in the water in their lifebuoys) Uncle Cappy, it's us! (Juniper waves at the tourists as sharks swim past them) You wouldn't believe the different fish we've seen! Male Tourist: Ha ha! You have awakened our love of learning! Oh, yeah! Jody Irwin: You know them? Teen Casino Host: (places four glasses of ice tea on their table) Here's your, uh, ice tea. It's on the house. Ophelia Ramírez: Okay, wear uniforms. Epilogue: Sailing Back to Orchid Bay City Ray Ray Lee: (sniffs) Are you wearing perfume? Monroe: Ah, yes. Antelope sunset. It's bold, with a citrus tinge. Too much? Ray Ray Lee: I like it.(The viking ship continues sailing back to Orchid Bay City)(Episode ends) New Trickster in Town [1.4] Thor: "ordering pity party of one please, your table is ready, tonight's special is an oven roasted fillet of poor me, served on a delightful bed of cry me a river." Juniper Lee: "Thanks for all your help. I hope we did not interrupt anything." Thor: "Well, just book club. But it's ok,"...whispering: "I hadn't read it yet anyway, don't tell anybody." Not in My Backyard [1.5] Cold Open (Episode starts in the Lee residence)Juniper Lee: Ray Ray, what did you do? Ray Ray Lee: (laughs) Relax. When I tell you, you're gonna laugh, I swear it! Juniper Lee: Ray Ray! Ray Ray Lee: Okay, you know those cyclone monkeys you got locked up in your room? Juniper Lee: Yeah? Ray Ray Lee: Well, not so much "locked up" anymore.(Ray Ray opens the door to show the cyclone monkeys loose, causing havoc.)Juniper Lee: Oh, man! Ray Ray Lee: It wasn't my fault! You should label those boxes to keep them in. Juniper Lee: (picks up the box) It is labeled! "Cyclone Monkeys! Danger – DO NOT OPEN!" Ray Ray Lee: You see, that's kind of vague.(One cyclone monkey break her medicine jars)Juniper Lee: Oh, man! Ray Ray, do you know how old these terellian medicine jars were? Ray Ray Lee: Really old? Juniper Lee: Really old! Ray Ray Lee: I don't know what you're getting so worked up about. Juniper Lee: I've got five monkeys having conniptions in my room at 80 miles an hour. Where's the mystery? Ray Ray Lee: Yeah, but you're the Te Xuan Ze. You have whooped butt on 50-foot iguanas who-who shoot lasers out of their noses and stuff. You can wrangle up those monkeys, no sweat!(Another cyclone bounces around and breaks a jar, letting out a giant chicken, to Juniper's shock)Ray Ray Lee: As soon as you put back the giant chicken.(The giant chicken clucks and lays a giant egg as Ray Ray shrugs and Juniper glares at him)(Cue the theme song) The Arrival of a Batoot (Scene opens at night where the scene rumbles, trees are knocked down and lightbulbs break as a shadow of a big unknown creature looms over three creatures in a loading dock, who run away. A monster couple feel the rumbling as their cups of tea breaks. Two barber monsters, who are drying two monsters' hairs, feel the rumbling as their hair dryers burn the two monsters' hairs. A motorcycle, belonging to a monster biker, breaks into pieces as he runs away. The unknown monster walks by, breaking two windows. We see the damage the unknown monster did in it's wake as he continues walking. Cut to the Lee residence where the Lee family are having dinner.)Ray Ray Lee: He's awesome! Greg Weinstein's dog is nine kinds of awesome! Michael Lee: Hmm, sounds like it. Ray Ray Lee: Oh, yeah. He's, like, the best dog ever. First, we're playing frisbee with him, and then he ran off and he buried it and we couldn't find it for, like, three hours. And then, he got into Mrs. Toliver's yard and he dug this huge hole, and he hit the sceptic tank. (laughs) The whole yard was flooded with guck! And I mean everything they ever flushed out of the toilet for 20 years! It was like this nasty swamp, but without alligators and way more stink! (laughs) Oh, man! It was so cool. Barbara Lee: Yes, the Weinsteins must be very proud of their dog. (chuckles)Ray Ray Lee: They should be! That puppy's a rock star! We should get a dog!(Monroe wakes up hearing this)Barbara Lee: Ray Ray! Michael Lee: You seem to have forgotten Monroe. Barbara Lee: Yes, sweetie, we have a dog. Ray Ray Lee: (silently) I was hoping for one who didn't talk back so much.(Barbara stares, Juniper kicks Ray Ray in the shin): Ray Ray Lee: Ow! Uh, I mean, Monroe is June's dog. I want one of my own. Dennis Lee: If he gets a dog, I'm getting a snake. Juniper Lee: Yeah, well, if Dennis gets a snake, I wanna get my ears pierced again. Michael Lee: Hey! No snakes, one set of holes in your ears is plenty, and we have a dog! Ray Ray Lee: If I get my grades up, then can I have a dog? Barbara Lee: (pauses) What's wrong with your grades? Juniper Lee: Smooth. Ray Ray Lee: Nothing! I just mean...going from the straight A's I'm getting to A-pluses! You know, kickin' out hardcore! Michael Lee: Atta boy, Ray Ray! Glad to hear you're getting excited about learning.(Juniper's bracelet starts glowing)Juniper Lee: Speaking of which, I, um, I need to go to the library. I'm doing a report on, um... raccoons. Barbara Lee: You can't look up raccoons on the Internet? Juniper Lee: Yeah, well, you'd think I could, but there's a surprisingly lack of raccoon information on the web. Ray Ray Lee: Oh, could I go to the library with June? Juniper Lee: Ray Ray. Barbara Lee: Yes, June, take your brother. Ray Ray Lee: Yes! Michael Lee: That's the spirit! Going to the library! Yeah!(Juniper gets up from her chair)Ray Ray Lee: Come on, little man, we're gonna bust up some forces of darkness. Monroe: Then I suppose you should call Greg Weinstein's dog, unless he's too busy turning people's yards into toxic waste dumps! Ray Ray Lee: Dude, back off. I didn't... Monroe: Off with you! I'll have no part of it. (lays down)Ray Ray Lee: You know, it wouldn't kill you to dig a few holes. Spice it up a bit. Juniper Lee: Leave him be.(Monroe goes back to sleep as we fade into Juniper and Ray Ray walking in the loading dock)Ray Ray Lee: And that's when he started puking, but after he yorked up, he kept right on eating the couch. Juniper Lee: Out of curiosity, Ray Ray, how many more stories about Greg Weinstein's dog do you have? Ray Ray Lee: Five... six... seven! That includes when he got really bad gas after eating all the Halloween candy. Explosive! (chuckles) Greg said it was like the Battle of Normandy. (laughs)Juniper Lee: (dryly) Delightful. I think that... Fix-It Elf 1: Heya, June. Juniper Lee: Hey. You know, I think that all your talk about getting another dog is hurting Monroe's feelings, Ray Ray. Fix-It Elf 2: Hiya, June. Juniper Lee: Hiya. And I know he acts like he doesn't care about anything, but... Fix-It Elf 3: How's it going, June? Juniper Lee: Oh, great, thanks. But he does care, you know, I think he may feel underappreciated. Ray Ray Lee: Hey, June, what's with all the little dudes? (points to the Fix-It Elves repairing a car)Juniper Lee: Oh, uh, Fix-It Elves. They repair everything that's broken in Orchid Bay. They just love to fix things. Ray Ray Lee: They fix everything? Juniper Lee: Anything they could get their hands on. You ever wonder why cars in Orchid Bay run for over 40 years?(A Fix-It Elf removes an engine, which flies out)Fix-It Elf 5: Ooh, heads up!(The engine lands in front of Juniper and Ray Ray)Fix-It Elf 5: Sorry, June, it's a real disaster down here in the night hole. Fix-It Elf 6: You ain't kidding. We had to bring in three other crews from the east side. What a mess. Juniper Lee: Any clue who's causing the trouble? Fix-It Elf 5: No idea.(A sewer hole bursts as the unknown creature reveals itself from the dust)Juniper Lee: I'm gonna take a while to guess and say that it's him. Ray Ray Lee: Cool!(The creature continues walking as a post clock breaking and starts falling, but Juniper catches it and places it back up)Juniper Lee: All right, my fat one-monster wrecking crew! (jumps down to face the creature) You wanna go? It's go time!(She charges at the creature, but the Fix-It Elves stop her)Fix-It Elves: Whoa! Stop! Don't touch him! Stop! (They turn to the creature)Fix-It Elf 5: Hey-hey! Let's turn that frown upside-down! Party time! Fix-It Elf 6: Y-yeah. Uh... uh... look at you, you big sack of love! Happy-happy! Who wants ice cream? Juniper Lee: Hello? Am I missing something? Dude was putting the hurt on the city, and I was gonna put the hurt on him. Fix-It Elf 5: Are you nuts? This is a Batoot. You can't hurt a Batoot. You wanna get us all killed? Juniper Lee: (looks up on the Batoot) What's a Batoot? Juniper and the Batoot (We fade to Juniper, Ray Ray and the Batoot at Jasmine's house)Jasmine Lee: (looking through a magic book) A migrating Batoot. He must have gotten separated from his herd and wandered into the city. Juniper Lee: Yeah, like Godzilla after his fifth cappuccino. Jasmine Lee: Oh, no, no. He didn't mean to. Batoots are benign, they don't mean any harm. They're just bad luck-- anything that could go wrong will. And the more unhappy they are, the worst the damage. There's an old saying: "If something runs afoul of a Batoot, something will run afoul of your patoot." Juniper Lee: Now that's catchy. So, what now? Jasmine Lee: He needs to be looked after until the Batoot herd returns for him. Their migration patterns have them grazing on the north side of the dark forest, but they'll be back on the outskirts of the city by sundown tomorrow. But if anything happens to this big fella, the whole city could just topple over. Juniper Lee: Okay, so you'll keep an eye on him. Jasmine Lee: Me? Heck no. I just had my floors redone. This is Te Xuan Ze territory. Juniper Lee: Oh, Ah-Mah, come on. Ray Ray Lee: We're keeping him? Yes! Who needs a dog? We got us a map route! Juniper Lee: Batoot. Ray Ray Lee: Whatever. (sniffs) He smells really bad.(Cut to the Lee residence where Ray Ray is in the attic, tossing appliances in the Batoot's mouth)Ray Ray Lee: Here you go, little buddy.(He tosses more appliances and sporting goods in the Batoot's mouth)Ray Ray Lee: Good one!(Ray Ray tosses a toy in the Batoot's mouth)Ray Ray Lee: Yeah! Juniper Lee: (enters the attic) Ray Ray, stop that! He's a monster, not a landfill. Ray Ray Lee: I know what I'm doing, June. (grabs the Batoot's wrist) Hector and I share a special bond. I could feel us beginning to share emotions, me and Hector. Monroe: You named him Hector? Ray Ray Lee: He looks like a Hector. Monroe: I have never been more nauseous. Juniper Lee: Ray Ray, this thing is not a pet. I can appreciate your enthusiasm, but it's-- Ray Ray Lee: (putting whipped cream on a bowl of ice cream) Now, it's called ice cream, Hector. (slowly) Ice... cream. Monroe: You're making it hot fudge sundaes? You never make me hot fudge sundaes. Ray Ray Lee: You're lactose intolerant. Monroe: Aye, but still, I'd appreciate the gesture. Juniper Lee: Okay, okay, look settle down. All we have to do is babysit this living garbage disposal for twenty-four hours and that's it. If everybody behaves, there's no reason that this has to be a big deal. He sits here, we watch him, easy as pie, okay?(Ray Ray nods. Cut to Franky's Karaoke in the Underworld)Batoot Poacher 1: Hear the Te Xuan Ze's got a Batoot. Batoot Poacher 2: Yeah? Oh, dude, we should totally steal that. Batoot Poacher 1: Right on.(They fist bump.) Taking Care of the Batoot (Fade into the Lee residence)Juniper Lee: But Monroe... Monroe: No! Absolutely not! I am not a babysitter. Juniper Lee: And this is not a baby, it's a three-ton monster sitting in our attic. Monroe: Sorry, I have a lot to do today. Juniper Lee: What, sleep on the couch in the den for eight hours? Monroe: No... I sleep in the living room, it's sunny out. Ray Ray Lee: (enters with a garbage bag) All right, Hector, here's enough fine stinky nasty garbage to keep your belly full while we're at school. I also threw in two pairs of my dad's sneakers. You seem to like those. Juniper Lee: You see? He's all set. Just make sure he doesn't go wandering. (leaves)Monroe: Fine. Ray Ray Lee: You be good now, Hector. I'll be back after school. Be... good.(The attic door closes)7 HOURS 18 MINUTES LATER(The attic light turns on)Juniper Lee: Oh, man! Monroe! I told you to keep an eye on him! Monroe: I did! I watched him eat everything in the attic. I weigh nine pounds. How do you expect me to stop him? He's like New Jersey with teeth. Juniper Lee: Monroe! Monroe: Hey, I stopped him from eating the rest of the house... except the toilet in the upstairs bathroom, he got by me on that one. Juniper Lee: What? (groans) You are a very bad monster! Ray Ray Lee: He didn't mean it, June. He's just a creature that's all full of love. Juniper Lee: Yeah, love, Mom's photo album and our toilet!(Hector eats two garbage bags and burps. We fade to the trio in the basement where Juniper chains Hector to the wall)Ray Ray Lee: June, this is so mean. You got him all locked up like the Birdman of Alcatraz. Juniper Lee: He is in our furnished basement. There's wall-to-wall carpeting in a foosball table. I don't think Amnesty International is gonna protest. Now, he's on twenty-four hour watch, do not let him out of your sight.(She opens the door to reveal Dennis standing there, but slams and opens it again)Juniper Lee: Oh, huh, hey! Dennis, watcha doing there, big brother? (closes the door behind her)Dennis Lee: What do you care, weasel butt? I'm going to the basement. Juniper Lee: (stops him) Oh! Okay, uh, I was just gonna go play video games in the den. Dennis Lee: You can't. I'm playing video games in the den. (leaves)Juniper Lee: (deadpan tone) Oh, Dennis, stop. That's so unfair.(Cut to the neighborhood where the Batoot poachers are sniffing Hector's scent)Batoot Poacher 1: (sniffing the grass) Dude, I think I've got the scent. Batoot Poacher 2: (sniffing a trashcan) Of what? Batoot Poacher 1: Dude, the Batoot. We're gonna, like, all steal him and junk. Batoot Poacher 2: (picking his teeth with a fish skeleton) What? I thought we were going for sushi. Batoot Poacher 1: Dude, that is for afters. First, we're gonna steal us that Batoot from the Te Xuan Ze and then we make with all the fine dining. Batoot Poacher 2: Well, all right, boss man. I didn't know there was, like, some "big itinerary".(Cut to a Boomfist video game as Boomfist files towards Wrongness, avoiding his laser blasts. Boomfist uses his fist to punch Wrongness, but he shoots more lasers at Boomfist, as he keeps avoiding them, but gets hit on the mouth and falls. A "Game Over" sign is shown. Dennis plays the video game as Juniper reads a book.)Juniper Lee: (deadpan tone) Oh, Dennis, please, come on, this isn't fair. When do I get a turn? Dennis Lee: Do you see monkeys flying out of my butt? Well, as soon as you do, that's when it's your turn. Juniper Lee: (deadpan tone) Oh, Dennis, stop, that's so unfair. Michael Lee: Well, kids, we're off for a night at the theater. Barbara Lee: (holds up two tickets) Yes, "The Life of George Washington On Ice". All the founding fathers skating all around, oh. Michael Lee: Kristi Yamaguchi is playing Thomas Jefferson. Barbara Lee: And now, you kids behave. Oh, and make sure our little chef doesn't burn the house down. Juniper Lee: What? Barbara Lee: Ray Ray. He's cooking something in the kitchen. Oh, and tell him if he blows up another potato in the microwave, he's grounded until he's thirty. Mmm-hmm. Bye! Michael Lee: Bye!(They leave the house as Juniper leaves the couch and sees Ray Ray cooking a chicken in the kitchen)Ray Ray Lee: June, great! Could you help me scoop the guts out of this sucker? It always makes me queasy. Juniper Lee: Ray Ray, you're supposed to be watching the Batoot! Ray Ray Lee: Well, warden, I thought he might be puckish. Besides, he's chained to the wall, he ain't goin' anywhere.(Cut to Hector eating the last of the chain, then the camera zooms out to reveal he has eaten all of the things in the basement)Juniper Lee: RAY RAY!!! Ugh! He ate the basement! Ray Ray Lee: I told you, dude, he was starving. (to Hector) Just hang on, Hector! I'll have this bird toasted in an hour! Juniper Lee: The TV, the pool table, the couches, the... (groans) He's eating our house one room at a time! (Hector burps loudly; groans) You aren't just bad luck, you're a menace! Monroe: Take it easy, lass. You'll bring the house down. The more upset he gets, the more bad luck he brings. Juniper Lee: Oh, please! How much worse can it get?(In the backyard, the fence blows up as the Batoot poachers enter and cough at the dust)Batoot Poacher 1: Dudes, give us the Batoot, or we will wreak nine kinds of butt whooping on you! Batoot Poacher 2: C'ha! Juniper Lee: (observes from the window) And the hits just keep on coming. Fighting the Batoot Poachers Batoot Poacher 1: Te Xuan Ze, bring us the Batoot, or you will perish under the weight under my mighty boot! You will suffer a fate of ten thousand screams! Batoot Poacher 2: Dude, way to make with the bad guy chatter. Batoot Poacher 1: C'ha, I can rip it. (fist bumps his friend)Juniper Lee: Oh, great. First, this thing eats half of our house, and now he's got company dropping by? (groans) You are the worst house guest ever! Ray Ray Lee: That's not true! Uncle Ronald's the worst. He always clips his toenails in the kitchen and picks Monroe up by his legs. Monroe: Well, I'll have to agree with the boy. The man's a hyperactive chimpanzee. Juniper Lee: Shut up! (groans) You guys keep Dennis distracted and I'll take care of these idiots. (to Hector) Oh, again, thanks a lot! (leaves)(Hector frowns sadly as we cut to the Batoot poachers in the backyard)Batoot Poacher 1: So, you wanna just tear the walls down, or maybe we should set the joint on fire first? Batoot Poacher 2: Whatever, I'm down. Juniper Lee: (as she appears on the roof) Hey, I've got an idea. How about I kick your butts and sell your outfits to biker chicks?(She jumps from the roof and lands on one of the Batoot poacher's shoulders, pulling his ears)Juniper Lee: You gonna come to my house and mess with me?! Huh?! Huh?!(She jumps off his shoulders as the second Patoot poacher hits his friend with a wooden plank. Ray Ray and Monroe are in the living room with Dennis, who is still playing video games, as Juniper runs and jumps as the Batoot poacher runs into the fence. The scene rumbles as Juniper keeps fighting the Batoot poachers with Juniper stepping out of the fight until the Batoot poachers realize they're fighting each other. She keeps fighting them as the second Batoot poacher grabs her, but she grabs his shoulders and backflips out of the way as his friend accidentally breathes fire on him, burning him into a crisp. They try to hit her with two flower vases, but she jumps out of the way and they end up hitting each other with them instead.)Juniper Lee: (pulling the second Batoot poacher's ears) You mess with the bull, you get the horns!(A glass breaking sound is heard in the background)Dennis Lee: (to Ray Ray) Hey, dork face, did you hear something in the backyard? Ray Ray Lee: Why, no. I was too busy reading one of your comic books.(He holds up Dennis' mint conditioned comic book titled "Manga Chick", to which Dennis gets shocked)Dennis Lee: Put that down! Ray Ray Lee: What? I'm just reading it. I'm folding back the cover. (gasps) Oops. It went from mint condition to near-mint. Dennis Lee: (angrily) AAAAH! Put that down! (starts chasing Ray Ray)Ray Ray Lee: (offscreen) Uh-oh! Near-mint condition down to just good! Coming up on fair!(Cut back to the backyard with the Batoot poachers defeated)Juniper Lee: And stay out of my yard!(She walks back inside as an umbrella closes on the second Batoot poacher. She enters the basement.)Juniper Lee: Hey, nice job, boys. I don't know what you guys did to Dennis, but he's in his room locking his comic books in a steamer trunk and— oh, man.(She sees Hector is gone, to the sadness of Ray Ray)Ray Ray Lee: (dramatically) Dude! Hector's gone! We gotta to go find him! Please! Monroe: (to Ray Ray) Oh, get a grip, will ya? You never got this worked up when I ran away. Ray Ray: You ran away, dude? Monroe: That's what's I'm talking about! Finding and Returning Hector (Cut to Hector walking down the street sadly as the damage around him gets worse. Cut to the bridge where the traffic is as we see Michael and Barbara's car)Barbara Lee: Wasn't that show wonderful? Michael Lee: Yeah, it was. That guy playing Ben Franklin was nimble for such a portly man.(The bridge rumbles violently as Hector continues walking and the steel wires break off. Cut to the sky as a shadow of what appears to be a giant bird is flying, but the clouds fade to reveal Juniper and Ray Ray riding on the giant chicken as she flies above the bridge.)Juniper Lee: There he is! Ray Ray Lee: It's okay, Hector! I'm right here! Ray Ray's right here, little buddy!(Juniper jumps off the giant chicken and lands on a girder as she swings and grabs a cable.)Juniper Lee: Okay, tubby! It's time to calm down before you deep-six this whole enchilada! Ray Ray Lee: Hey, you can't yell at him! The more upset he gets, the worst of bad luck!(The giant chicken clucks in agreement)Juniper Lee: Oh, whatever. Just tell him to chill out. Ray Ray Lee: You're the one who got him upset! Apologize!(The giant chicken clucks in agreement again)Juniper Lee: Oh, come on. Couldn't I just buy him a pizza or something? Ray Ray Lee: June! Juniper Lee: Batoot, I'm sorry I yelled at you.(Hector groans as the bridge rumbles even more violently)Ray Ray Lee: I don't think he believes ya! Juniper Lee: Okay. (to Hector) Look, I know you didn't mean to wreck our house and eat all our furniture, but it's just... Well, my job's not easy and I get frustrated. I'm sorry I yelled at you, honestly. (sighs) I'm sorry.(Hector smiles as the rumbling stops)Juniper Lee: Now, look, I know I fly off the handle a lot... (ties the cable to the girder) but you would, too. It's a lot of responsibility being the Te Xuan Ze. And sure I get help and stuff, but at the end of the day, it's just me getting the job done, you know? I just wish that I could... Ray Ray Lee: Okay, okay! That's plenty. We just want him happy, not bored.(Cut back to the Lee residence where Michael and Barbara finally get home)Barbara Lee: Boy, that traffic was brutal.(Juniper and Ray Ray are on the couch as their parents enter)Barbara Lee: Kids, we're home! Juniper Lee: Hey, how was the show? Ray Ray Lee: How was Ben Franklin? I love to see a fat guy skate. Michael Lee: It was a spectacle. The pageantry, the history, the all you can eat buffet. I ate so much brisket. Barbara Lee: And how was your night? Juniper Lee: Fine. Ray Ray Lee: Business as usual.(Cut to the basement with Monroe, Hector and the giant chicken as Hector is about to eat her, but...)Monroe: Don't even think about it.(We fade to them in the dark forest where the lights shine on them to reveal Hector's herd)Juniper Lee: So, you're ready to return to your herd, big fella? Hector: Sure. Let's rock! Juniper Lee: You can talk? Hector: Yeah, but not like you guys. Do you ever shut up? Yak yak yak. Ray Ray: Be good. (hands Hector a flower pot)Hector: Yeah, okay, whatever. (eats the flower pot as he walks off with his herd)Ray Ray Lee: I'm gonna miss him. Monroe: Yeah, well I'm gonna miss all the furniture he ate. I just broken that ottoman in the basement.(The trio walk off)Ray Ray Lee: How about I make you a hot fudge sundae when we get home? Monroe: Oh, please. You think you can buy me off that easy? Ray Ray Lee: Come on, I'll make you with bacon. Monroe: Hands off. You're a day late and a dollar short. Post-Credit Scene (We show Ray Ray in Juniper's room attempting to play fetch with the giant chicken, who is sitting on stuffed animals as a makeshift nest)Ray Ray Lee: Come on, girl. Come on, fetch the stick. (throws the stick) Come on!(The giant chicken pecks her wing feathers)Ray Ray Lee: Oh, come on, don't be like that. It's easy. Watch. (picks up the stick and puts it in his mouth) See? It's fun! Come on!(The giant chicken picks up Ray Ray and places him underneath her stuffed animal nest as she sits back down)Ray Ray Lee: (muffled) Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Monroe: (muffled) Oh, thank goodness. I've been in here for three hours. SOMEBODY HELP!!!(Episode ends) Enter Sandman [1.6] (June, Ray Ray, and Dennis are practicing their musical act for the school's talent show)Juniper Lee: Hold on, hold on. Ahh! My guitar's out of tune. Dennis Lee: Trust me, Van Halen, it's not the guitar. Juniper Lee: Hey, at least I can keep the beat. There's dead people who can keep time better than you. Dennis Lee: Oh, yeah? Well, Ray-Ray doesn't even know which song we're playing. Ray Ray Lee: Dude, I go where the music takes me. (he drums)Juniper Lee: Come on. Tryouts for the talent show are tomorrow. Can we please try and get through one song? Ray Ray Lee: Dude! Roger is a musical genius! Juniper Lee: Yeah, but look at Mr. Roskins. He hates everything. Dennis Lee: Oh, what do you care what some old geezer thinks. Juniper Lee: He's the judge. Dennis Lee: So? Juniper Lee: He decides which acts get in the show. Dennis Lee: So? Juniper Lee: If he doesn't like us, we don't get in. Dennis Lee: In what? Juniper Lee: I cannot believe we're related. Ray Ray Lee: We rule! Juniper Lee: Hmph. That was weird. Dennis Lee: No, it's not. We got in off our reputation. Juniper Lee: Reputation? Mom and Dad are the only ones who've heard us play, and they made us soundproof the basement! We stink! Dennis Lee: You stink. I carry both of your no-talent butts. Juniper Lee: You play bass, Dennis. It's a miracle anyone even notices you. Ding Dong, the Witch Ain't Dead [1.7] Cold Open (Episode starts 400 years ago on a volcanic wasteland where a battle between a witch named Auntie Roon and a previous Te Xuan Ze happens. They fight, dodging each other's punches and kicks until he kicks Auntie Roon down, but she uses her scepter to summon a purple lizard-type monster to take him down. He pulls out his sword and tries to slay the monster, but it dodges it, knocks him down with its tail and swats the sword away. As the monster is about to finish him off, Monroe appears with a magic golden discus and throws it into its mouth, causing the discus to shoot beams from the monster's body. Auntie Roon whistles to summon her big flying fish and jumps on its back in an attempt to escape, but the beams turn into a portal, banishing Auntie Roon and her fish, then it flashes to the present where Juniper reads a book on Auntie Roon)Juniper Lee: A fish? She rode a fish? Jasmine Lee: Yeah! What a freak! But Auntie Roon was a real terror back in the day. (feeds bugs to her carnivorus plants) When she was banished, they partied like it was 1799. Juniper Lee: So she's, like, totally history? Jasmine Lee: Oh, she's not coming back. I have a better chance of fitting into my old mini skirt and go-go boots. Juniper Lee: Ew. Jasmine Lee: Seriously, for Auntie Roon to return, it would take a 10th level warlock making a deal with a pus goblin and an antelope snake. Never happen!(Cut to the Underworld where the three creatures Jasmine mentioned are making a deal to free Auntie Roon from banishment)10th level Warlock: So we got a deal? Antelope Snake: Ha ha! You betcha! Pus Goblin: Oh, yeah! (chuckles) I'm in.(Cue the theme song) Act 1 A Trip to the Mall (Scene begins at the Lee residence where Ray Ray and Roger are in the basement, playing a Boomfist video game and Juniper, Jody and Ophelia are reading comics. Dennis enters)Dennis Lee: Hey, dweebs, Mom and Dad left me in charge, so don't forget. I'm watching you. Juniper Lee: Do what? Dennis Lee: Wouldn't you like to know? (Walks over to Ray Ray and Roger)Ophelia Ramírez: Okay, hello? Can you say "power trip"? Dennis Lee: Yo, losers! What are you, like, honorary chicks or something? I mean, why don't you guys just put on a couple of dresses and call it a night! (laughs)Ray Ray Lee: Dude, you got some issues, you know that? Dennis Lee: Whatever. Shut up. (leaves while the girls giggle)Announcer: And that was the title track off the latest CD by Ambiguous Angst, which goes on sale tonight at Mellow Mike Records inside the Orchid Bay City Mall! Juniper Lee: Woo-hoo! Ambiguous Angst! Roger Radcliffe: No way! Jody Irwin: I totally love them! Ophelia Ramírez: I am so serious! We, like, so have to go! Ray Ray Lee: That band rocks! Woo-hoo! Rock on, Angst dudes! Juniper Lee: You have no idea who they are. Ray Ray Lee: No, I... just got swept up in all the excitement. WOO-HOO!(They start leaving the basement to go the mall while Jody grabs Monroe.)Jody Irwin: Come on, little man, we're going to the mall! Monroe: (sarcastically) Oh, we're going to the mall? It's a dream come true! Somebody pinch me!(They are about to walk out the front door, but are stopped by Dennis)Dennis Lee: Going somewhere, dorks? Juniper Lee: Oh, move it, Dennis. Ah-Mah's giving us a ride to the mall. Dennis Lee: Um, may I remind you of the first and most important of babysitter bylaws? You can only go out if I come along. Ophelia Ramírez: Babysitter bylaws? Dude, somebody desperately needs a girlfriend. Juniper Lee: Oh, come on, Dennis. Can you just act like a normal human for a change? Dennis Lee: Hey! Them's the rules. I don't make 'em, I just follow 'em. Juniper Lee: (sighs) Fine.(They walk out the house.)Roger Radcliffe: Dennis! Welcome to chick night. Ray Ray Lee: Yeah, maybe when we get to the mall, we'll buy you something pretty.(Dennis closes the front door as the scene cuts to the Orchid Bay Mall where people go inside and Jasmine drops off the kids)Jasmine Lee: I'll pick you up right after my hockey league game, 9:00 sharp. Don't be late! Juniper Lee: Okay, just try to stay out of the penalty box this time. Jasmine Lee: Ah, that priss who refs the games wouldn't know high-sticking if it crawled up his leg and--(Juniper closes the door before Jasmine can finish, waves her and runs to the mall) Auntie Roon's Return (Cut to a clothes store called S.A.P where the 10th level Warlock, the pus goblin and the antelope snake are in a changing room, chanting)10th level Warlock, Pus Goblin and Antelope Snake: Moltra ringo salta kelnar! Moltra ringo salta kelnar! Pus Goblin: Tell me again why we're doing this here? (his oozing lands on the antelope snake's skin) We couldn't have picked someplace a little more roomy. 10th level Warlock: Hey, come on, it's not my fault somebody built a mall on sacred raising ground, it it? Antelope Snake: Besides, look who's complaining, slime boy! We're not the ones oozing, Pus. I mean I just shed my skin, man. These scales are brand-new! Pus Goblin: I'm a pus goblin! Did you expect me to be dipped in chocolate? 10th level Warlock: Hey, can we get on with this already?! 10th level Warlock, Pus Goblin and Antelope Snake: (chanting) Moltra ringo salta kelnar! Moltra ringo salta kelnar!(A mirror opens a portal to another dimension where an elderly Auntie Roon and her obese fish are banished) Pus Goblin: Oh, dude, the years certainly haven't been kind. Antelope Snake: (whispering to the pus goblin) Yeah, she looks a rhino's butt with eyes. (They start snickering) 10th level Warlock: Knock it off! (Auntie Roon and her fish fly to them) Auntie Roon, hi! How was your banishment? Auntie Roon: Oh, just great. Gone four centuries and this is all I get?! Wouldn't have killed you to rent a hall or something? Spring for a sweets table, maybe a band? 10th level Warlock: Yeah, yeah, listen, Auntie Roon, the guys and me are gonna be more than happy to throw you a little soiree, you know, after the boon, that is. Auntie Roon: You lost me there, sweetheart. A boon? Antelope Snake: You know, boon-- a magical favor. We freed you from magical banishment and now we want you to do us a solid. Fair is fair. Auntie Roon: Oh, a boon! (chuckles) You kids with your slang. Okay, fine. What can I do ya for? 10th level Warlock: The children! Antelope Snake: (laughs) Yeah, the children! Pus Goblin: We want you to steal the children! Auntie Roon: And what do you boys plan on doing with them, may I ask? 10th level Warlock: Uh, we're gonna... take 'em to a farm! Antelope Snake: Yeah, farm-- place in the country! Pus Goblin: Where there's a lot of room to run! Auntie Roon: You're gonna eat 'em, aren't ya? (Pause. They laugh) 10th level Warlock: Yeah, you got us. Pus Goblin: We're gonna eat 'em. Auntie Roon: Oh, good! Because I was thinking that would be a waste of a perfectly good farm, if you know what I mean. Antelope Snake: Have you ever had one? They taste just like frogs' legs. Auntie Roon: Oh, stop already! I'm homosapien intolerant. They give me gas. You don't wanna know, it's not pretty. Okay, boys, let's get this horror show on the road! I'm not getting any younger, you know. (She and her fish fly out of the portal in the changing room and into the clothes store) Auntie Roon: Ooh, hold on a sec! (holds a pair of capri pants) One of you be a doll and see if you can get these in a size sixteen. (Cut to Mellow Mike Records store where people are waiting in line for the Ambiguous Angst CD as we pan over to more people waiting on tables, including Juniper, Jody and Ophelia) Ophelia Ramírez: Mindy Manheim and her friends are, like, so heinous. Juniper Lee: Oh, just ignore them. (They hear and see the clock. The time on it is 9:00) Oh, crud, it's already 9:00. (Cut to Ray Ray, Monroe and Dennis in line when Juniper comes up to them) Juniper Lee: Dennis, Ray Ray, we gotta go! Ah-Mah's gonna be waiting. Dennis Lee: Ugh, but we're almost at the front of the line! Ray Ray Lee: Rock and roll doesn't punch a time clock, June. WOO-HOO! (Cut back to the table where Ophelia listens to Ambiguous Angst on her cassette player and Jody reads an Ambiguous Angst book) Juniper Lee: Okay, listen, you guys grab Roger, wait for Dennis and Ray Ray and meet me outside. I'll go find Ah-Mah and stall her. (She goes outside to wait for Jasmine to arrive while her friends and brothers walk to the exit, but Ray Ray and Monroe notice a blue puff of smoke, revealing to be Auntie Roon) Auntie Roon: Hello gorgeous! Auntie Roon's back in town! Girls! (Her henchmen, a group of Winged Demons, appear) Winged Demon 1: (in German accent) I wish she would stop calling us "girls". Winged Demon 2: (in same accent) Well it's a paycheck. Auntie Roon: That's right, darlings. Banishment schmanishment.(chuckles) You can't keep an old broad down forever. So kiss this world goodbye 'cause dinner is served, and you're it! (cackles, then coughs) Anyone have a hard candy? (Commercial break) Auntie Roon's Invasion (Auntie Roon continues cackling, but the people keep walking since she's invisible to everyone) Monroe: Auntie Roon. Ray Ray Lee: Dude, she rides a fish? What a freak! Monroe: We need to find June. Auntie Roon: Where's the screaming? Why aren't they screaming or something? It's like they don't even know I'm here. Winged Demon 1: Well, they don't. See, while you were gone, the worlds of magic and humans were separated. Nobody can see you. Auntie Roon: Hello! Somebody could've told me earlier! I wouldn't have gotten all dolled-up. Besides, what's the point of wreaking evil havoc if nobody can see it?! I mean excuse me for living, but if I didn't wanted to be ignored after 400 years, I would've had children of my own! Fish: (speaking Spanish) Heh. Si fueras mi madre, preferiría que me comieran al nacer. ("If you were my mother, I would have rather been eaten at birth.") (Auntie Roon uses her scepter to start to lift the magical veil) Winged Demon 1: Auntie Roon, you can't lift the magic veil! Winged Demon 2: Breaking the code is strictly forbidden! (Auntie Roon points her scepter to her henchmen to blast them) Winged Demon 1: On the other hand, we're just minions. What do we know? Winged Demon 2: Absolutely, fräulein. Knock yourself out. (Auntie Roon continues to lift the magical veil with her scepter until it's completely broken and the children finally see Auntie Roon and start to scream as Ray Ray and Monroe are running while Auntie Roon cackles and the children continue screaming) Auntie Roon: Am I right, or am I right? Much better when they can see you. Listen up, you little brats! For reasons beyond my control at the time, you missed my big evil entrance... thing. And I'm getting too old to repeat myself, ya hear? But here's the condensed version: the party's over, you'll never see your friends and family again! (pause) Oh yeah, and there's no escape. (The children start screaming and running around) Auntie Roon: They never believe you. (uses her scepter to lock all the doors and exits) (Juniper's bracelet starts glowing) Juniper Lee: Uh-oh. (She feels a forcefield and tries to open the door, then tries to break the door open to no avail) Please tell me this isn't happening. (her bracelet glows again) Oh. Okay, okay! I get it! It's happening! (The children desperately try to open all the doors, but are trapped inside) Auntie Roon: Like I said, no escape! (to one half of her henchmen) Round up the food, I mean kids. (to the other half of her henchmen) And you, you big slices of heaven on toast, prepare the portal. (Cut to the roof where Juniper observes her) These meals are to go. Juniper Lee: I thought that freak was banished! How'd she get out? (Cut back to the inside of the mall where two of the Winged Demons are chasing Jody, Ophelia and Roger, but they sprout wings and tails and one captures Ophelia while the other one captures Jody) Ray Ray Lee: Whoa! Flying monkeys! Coo--! (Monroe grabs him by the shirt and hide behind a kiddie ride) Auntie Roon: Hya! (kicking her fish's gills) Fish: ¡Deja de patearme las branquias! Respiro fuera de allí. ("Stop kicking my gills! I breathe out of there.") (The fish flies around while Auntie Roon uses her scepter to round all the children in the food court. Juniper uses magic dust to open a hole so she can jump back in) Winged Demon 3: And we need to place these stones, setting up the nexus that will open the portal and suck those brats into oblivion. Winged Demon 2: Ja, but the positions have to be geomantically synchronized for this whole thing to work. (flies off) Winged Demon 4: Ooh, "geomantically". Look at Mr. $10 Vocabulary Word. (they fly off) Juniper Lee: (witnessing the portal stones from behind a trash bin) Forget it, Auntie. No stinking portal's opening on my watch. Stealing the Portal Stones (One Winged Demon places a portal stone in the perfume department, but Juniper steals it. Another one places another stone on a burger of a Boomfist statue of a Boom Burger restaurant, but Juniper steals it. Another one places another stone on the hand of a mannequin, but Juniper steals it and briefly poses as the mannequin, but throws its arm at him and he starts fighting her. Cut to the children still being rounded up to the food court) Jody Irwin: Do you see Roger or Ray Ray or Monroe? Dennis Lee: Nope. Ophelia Ramírez: Well at least June got out. (Cut to Juniper fighting a few of the Winged Demons in a department store until she gets thrown back up to the roof with them flying in hot pursuit. Cut to Auntie Roon still rounding up the children with her scepter) Auntie Roon: (cackles) I love this game! (The 10th level Warlock, pus goblin and antelope snake appear) 10th level Warlock: Yo, Auntie, what's the holdup with the portal? Pus Goblin: Yeah, we've got a dinner party to feed. Antelope Snake: And they're almost on with the shrimp cocktails! Winged Demon 5: (flying up to Auntie Roon) Auntie Roon, we got trouble! Some little girl's stealing our portal stones! Auntie Roon: Are you kidding me with this?! I gotta get this boon off my back! (sniffs) Good magic. Ugh, I can smell it. Stanley! Francine! Move your little butts! (They move out) Nobody messes with Auntie Roon! Ándele! (kicks her fish's gills) Fish: (speaking Spanish indistinctly) (Auntie Roon and her fish fly and she looks around and grins evilly as she blasts the kiddie ride with her scepter to reveal Ray Ray and Monroe hiding) Auntie Roon: (to Monroe) You! Furball! I know you! (Her fish uses his mouth to grab Ray Ray and Monroe) Monroe: Ack! Unhand me, you festering sack of demonic anchovies! Auntie Roon: You work for the Te Xuan Ze. And if memory serves, you're the one who put me out of commission for four centuries! Monroe: Yeah, pity the years haven't been kinder to you, darling, huh? Ran out of sunscreen, did ya? Auntie Roon: Why, you little hairy runt, I-- (sniffs) I smell a magical aura. Ray Ray Lee: Hey! If anybody smells around here, it's him. He's got a stink that could peel paint. Auntie Roon: (grabs Ray Ray by the shirt and holds her scepter aimed at his neck) Tell me where the real Te Xuan Ze is or the munchkin gets it! (Monroe looks worriedly between the two of them) (Commercial break) Defeating Auntie Roon Auntie Roon: Tell me where the real Te Xuan Ze is or the munchkin gets it! Ray Ray Lee: Hey, who you calling munchkin? Hey, you got some major nose hair growth, did you know that? Seriously, it would take a machete or something. (One of the Winged Demons flies by, but Juniper gets on his back and rides him, sending him and another Winged Demon to the roof) Auntie Roon: Listen, you walking flea circus, tell me where the Te Xuan Ze is or I'm gonna fry this little pisher like a cannoli! (Ray Ray and Monroe look at her confused) Auntie Roon: Cannoli, it's an Italian pastry. Very popular in New York bakeries. (pause) What, no one eats out around here? Never mind. Just tell me! Ray Ray Lee: AAAAHHH!! JUNE! JUNE!!! (We pan up to the roof where Juniper is caught by four Winged Demons when she hears Ray Ray's cry) Ray Ray Lee: JUNE! JUNE!!! Juniper Lee: (gasps) Ray Ray! (she kicks one Winged Demon down, throws another off her into a third, and grabs the remaining one by the neck as he smiles nervously) Nobody hurts my little brother! (She punches him as the scene rumbles) Auntie Roon: What is that?! Ray Ray Lee: That's my big sister, June! She's coming for ya, Auntie! And when she gets here, she's gonna kick your butt, and your fish's butt, too! Fish: No TENGO trasero... chango. ("I don't HAVE a butt... you chimpanzee.") (The sound of banging comes from the roof, which reveals to be Juniper breaking through the roof to confront Auntie Roon) Ray Ray Lee: Yeah! Told ya. Juniper Lee: Are you looking for me? Are you looking for me? You must be looking for me, because there's no other Te Xuan Ze around here. Jody Irwin: Juniper? Ophelia Ramírez: Um, okay, huh, très weird. Auntie Roon: You're it? You're the protector, the big deal? No offense, darling, but I have gotten things stuck in my teeth that are bigger than you. Juniper Lee: Wow, pretty tough talk for somebody straddling a guppy! Monroe: Ooh, that's gotta leave a mark! Juniper Lee: Hey, grandma, these belong to you? (holds the portal stones) You want 'em, come take 'em! (She and Auntie Roon face off outside the food court, they fight until Juniper kicks Auntie Roon. Juniper gets into fighting stance. The 10th level warlock, the pus goblin and the antelope snake retreat as Auntie Roon uses her scepter to summon the same purple lizard-type monster Juniper's ancestor fought to take her down. She punches it in the stomach and then the chin, but it knocks her down with its tail as Jody, Ophelia and Roger watch in horror. As the monster is about to finish her off, Monroe appears with another magic golden discus) Auntie Roon: Again with the dog! (Monroe throws the discus into its mouth, causing the discus to once again shoot beams from the monster's body.) Auntie Roon: Oh, boy. (snaps her fingers to summon her fish and jumps on his back in an attempt to once again escape, but the beams turn into a portal to once again banish her) Monroe: Heh-heh! Never fails! The old bat falls for the same trick every 400 years! (The 10th level warlock, pus goblin and antelope snake attempt to escape, but Jasmine, in her hockey gear, arrives and opens the door on them as the portal banishes Auntie Roon, her fish and the Winged Demons) Auntie Roon: I'll get you, Te Xuan Ze, and your little dog, too! (The portal disappears as the children, including Jody, Ophelia and Roger, cheer on Juniper for her heroism) Jody Irwin: That was amazing! You're like a superhero or something! Ophelia Ramírez: Okay, stop it, hello? That was, like, totally out of control! Juniper Lee: Really? Roger Radcliffe: I am your humble servant, O Great One. (Juniper smiles) Jasmine Lee: Juniper. Juniper Lee: (turns to see Jasmine behind her) Ah-Mah, it wasn't my fault, really. Auntie Roon lifted the veil. Jasmine Lee: I know. Juniper Lee: But hey, now that this whole cone of silence thing is gone, well, there's nothing we can do about it, right? But maybe it's better that way. I mean I've always wanted to tell everybody what I do (Jasmine sighs) and why do I have to be so weird all the time, but, well, now that they know, Ah-Mah, they think it's really cool, and they think I'm cool, and... (sees Jasmine sadly) What? Jasmine Lee: We have to take it back. Juniper Lee: But why? I don't understand. Why can't we just leave things the way they are? Jasmine Lee: Because the world of humanity is forbidden from knowing the world of magic. Juniper Lee: Please, Ah-Mah? It's what I want. I'd be happier this way. I would. Jasmine Lee: I know, but it must be done. Juniper Lee: (thinks about it for a second) What do we do now? Jasmine Lee: Summon the Elders. (They uses two crystals to summon the Magical Elders to undo the broken magical veil, rewinding the epsiode back to the basement to the moment where the girls are listening to Ambiguous Angst on the radio) Dennis Lee: (walks over to Ray Ray and Roger playing the Boomfist video game) Yo, losers! What are you, like, honorary chicks or something? I mean, why don't you guys just put on a couple of dresses and call it a night! Juniper Lee: It's like déjà vu. Ray Ray Lee: All over again, dude. Oh, it's my line. Dude, you got some issues, you know that? Dennis Lee: Whatever. Shut up. (leaves as Monroe stares in confusion) Announcer: And that was the title track off the latest CD by Ambiguous Angst, which goes on sale toni-- (Juniper turns off the radio) Juniper Lee: Hey, guys, you, uh, wanna watch a movie on pay-per-view? Jody Irwin: Great! Ophelia Ramírez: Why not? Roger Radcliffe: They got anything with Angelina Jolie? That hot mama kicks butt! (Juniper and Ray Ray look around their friends and Juniper smiles, thanks to the Magical Elders' re-do) Epilogue: Auntie Roon's Banishment (We are shown at Banishment Court) Banishment Court Bailiff: Banishment Court is now in session. All rise for the honorable Judge Razilnick. (Judge Razilnick appears on her bench) Judge Razilnick: For crimes against both human and magical worlds, I sentence the defendants to life on a farm! (bangs her gavel) Auntie Roon: Wait. 10th level Warlock: Farm? Pus Goblin: But that's code for-- (Auntie Roon, her fish, the Winged Demons, the 10th level warlock, the pus goblin and the antelope snake are magically transported to an actual farm) 10th level Warlock: Evidently, "farm" was actually a code for-- Auntie Roon: Farm. Frankly, I would rather have been eaten. (Episode ends) I'll Get By with a Little Help from My Elf [1.8] Cold Open (Episode begins at Orchid Bay Palace in the evening where Jody, Ophelia and Roger are at the ticket booth waiting for Juniper so they can see "Explosions 2" and Jody checks her watch) Jody Irwin: Where's June? The movie's about to start! Ophelia Ramírez: Um, hello, no it's not. There's, like, 40 minutes of commercials and trailers before the movie even st-- Jody Irwin: We don't have popcorn, we don't candy and we don't have seats. We have a lot to do before this picture starts! Ophelia Ramírez: You really don't like being late. Jody Irwin: I really don't like being late! Roger Radcliffe: (sees a poster for "Shark-o-Dile") Guys, check it! "Attack of the Shark-o-Dile"! We gotta see this! Jody Irwin: One movie at a time, Roger! Ophelia Ramírez: (dials Juniper on her phone) June, where are you? (Cut to Juniper on a roof) Juniper Lee: Oh, I'm sorry, Ophelia, I got tied up. (Pan out to see her literally tied up with magic rope. A large demon named Donnie appears, floating, but Juniper cuts herself free with a magic sword) Juniper Lee: You wanna try this on?! Think you're about a size ten! (Uses the magic sword to blast Donnie to a dental billboard, knocking out the teeth) Ophelia Ramírez: Okay, what? Juniper Lee: Oh, nothing. I'll be there in, like, five minutes. (Donnie emerges from the billboard, flies, lands on the roof and summons a wormhole) Juniper Lee: Make that ten. Roger Radcliffe: But "Shark-o-Dile" is a love story between nature and evil mutant science. And it's half-inspired by parts of a true story. Jody Irwin: Ugh, Roger, there's no such thing as a half-shark, half-crocodile. (An actual shark-o-dile emerges out of the wormhole as Donnie laughs evilly and starts grinding his nails with a nail file. The crocodile head grabs the sword and throws it away. The shark head tries to bite Juniper, but she dodges it and punches it. She then jumps and knocks their heads into each other. The shark-o-dile tries to hit Juniper with its fists, but she dodges them. She grabs a pole. The shark-o-dile roars and charges towards her with her charging towards it. They keep charging towards each other until she pole vaults and kicks the shark-o-dile, sending it and Donnie back through the wormhole as it disaappears. She gets blown by the wind and she falls from the roof, collecting pieces of drying clothes from a clothesline and she arrives at the theater.) Juniper Lee: Hey, guys. Ophelia Ramírez: (sees the pile of clothes on Juniper) You and me seriously need to go shopping. Jody Irwin: Come on! Move it, people! Move it, move it! (They start walking in the theater) Roger Radcliffe: Hey, June, do you think a shark-o-dile has the head of a shark or a crocodile? Juniper Lee: Both. Trust me. (Cue the theme song) Act 1 Juniper's Duties (Scene begins in a montage beginning with Juniper playing a video game with Ray Ray when her bracelet starts glowing. Cut to her fighting a bird monster, punching it and knocking off its feathers. Cut to her at volleyball in school when her bracelet starts glowing again. Cut to her fighting a trio of fire-breathing bat-like monsters with a shield. Cut to her napping in her bed when her bracelet starts glowing yet again. Cut to her rescuing a blue monster child that got stuck up in a tree and gives him to its mother. Cut to Orchid Bay Elementary School where Juniper is in the gymnasium doing basketball practice with Jasmine) Juniper Lee: Okay, give it up, grandma! Jasmine Lee: In your dreams! Ray Ray Lee: Defense, Ah-Mah, defense! Show her how you kick it old-school! This is awesome! Monroe: It's a complete waste of time is what it is! Drive it to the hole, June! Drive to the hole! (Juniper dribbles the ball, runs towards Jasmine, dribbles in front of her while Jasmine blocks her, but Juniper runs around her and tries to make the shot in slow-motion, but Jasmine dodges the shot) Jasmine Lee: Rejected! You got served! Who's your daddy's mama? Who's your daddy's mama? (laughs mockingly) (Juniper smiles. We fade to Jasmine's balcony at her house where Jasmine makes Juniper tea) Jasmine Lee: Juniper, what's the matter? I always beat you like a rug, but you were really stinking up the court today. Juniper Lee: (yawns) It's 'cause I've been kicking monster butt since 5:30 in the morning. Can't these guys sleep in? Jasmine Lee: Your job is the same as every great protector that came before you. Juniper Lee: I know, I know, but back then, the world was boring. It was like fight monsters or churn butter. I got better things to do. Jasmine Lee: Ah, you do too much-- newspaper, volleyball, yearbook. Ray Ray Lee: I can be the Te Xuan Ze if you want. It's no biggie. Monroe: Oh, right, and how would you manage battling monsters with absolutely no powers and the agility of a 3-neck boronzo demon? That, by the way, was an insult. Ray Ray Lee: I got powers, I just haven't revealed them yet. Juniper Lee: Seriously, Ah-Mah, this great protector stuff, it's majorly stressing me out. Jasmine Lee: Just as you must maintain balance between the worlds of magic and humanity, you must... Jasmine Lee and Juniper Lee: Find balance in your own life. Jasmine Lee: But you should really drop math leagues. Why'd you join that anyway? It couldn't have been to meet boys. Juniper Lee: (sees her bracelet glowing; groans) Duty calls. (leaves) Monroe: Let's go, magic boy. Ray Ray Lee: I knew you were gonna say that. Monore: Oh... Ray Ray Lee and Monroe: Shut up. Ray Ray Lee: And bam! You see, baby? Magic powers! The Helper Elf (Scene fades to Mrs. Gomez's classroom where Roger presents his report) Roger Radcliffe: Ahem. My report is on The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, which is about, uh, a berry from, uh, Finn Land, who has adventures with other fruits-- apples and oranges, mostly, but I don't wanna give away the ending. Juniper Lee: (comes in, covered in mud as Roger sneaks away to his desk) Hi, sorry I'm late, Ms. Gomez. I missed my bus and my grandmother had to drive me. Mrs. Gomez: Again? Juniper Lee: (gives Mrs. Gomez her report on a magazine) Here's my book report. (runs to her desk) Ms. Gomez: On the back of a magazine? Juniper Lee: Oh, you know me, Miss Environmental. (chuckles) Save a tree! Jody Irwin: (leans over Juniper) June, you missed another yearbook meeting. That's three in a row! Juniper Lee: (sighs) I know. Sorry. Ophelia Ramírez: (leans over Juniper) And where were you last night? We were gonna go over my website. It goes live Wednesday. Mrs. Gomez: Ladies, quiet down and put your books under your desk because pop quiz! Juniper Lee Quiz? On what? Jody Irwin: Probably the Louisiana Purchase. We studied it last week, remember? (Ms. Gomez gives Juniper her quiz) Ophelia Ramírez: It's easy, you know. Remember Lewis and Clark? Juniper Lee: Is that a department store? Mrs. Gomez: (checks her watch) You have 15 minutes, people. (Juniper looks at her classmates taking the quiz and places her head on her desk in despair) Voice: Psst. Psst. (Juniper looks around and sees a helper elf) Helper Elf: Hey, kiddo. Juniper Lee: Dude, I'm taking a quiz. I can't help you. Helper Elf: No, doll, I'm here to help you. I'm a helper elf, local 592. (shows her his union badge) Juniper Lee: Get out of here! Helper Elf: (climbs onto Juniper's desk) Hey, hey, I'm just trying to do my job! (sees her test) You study for that thing? Juniper Lee: Uh... Helper Elf: No, 'cause you're too busy getting a buffalo snake out of the city pool and stopping a rock ogre from eating the sun, am I right? Juniper Lee: It was an ice ogre. Helper Elf: Whatever. The point is, you pound the pavement for us magic folk 24/7. But what do you get in return, huh? Right, nada, zip, bupkis! My point exactly! You wanna fail that quiz? Juniper Lee: No. Helper Elf: (pulls out a scroll from his jacket and shows her the answers to the Louisiana Purchase quiz) Here's one through fifteen, and extra credit is either some declaration or proclamation, definitely one of the shuns. (she looks at the scroll) What's the matter, too good to take help from a helper elf? Juniper Lee: (takes the scroll) Thanks. Helper Elf: Yeah, it's what I do. (She starts copying down the answers from the scroll on her quiz while the helper elf stands around her desk casually) Helper Elf: You, uh, wanna go hit the racetrack after this? I gotta good tip on a nag in the sixth. (Juniper gives her a glare) S'okay, finish up. (She continues copying down the answers, then we cut to her and Jody walking out the school) Jody Irwin: Wow, A+ one the quiz! You aced it! Juniper Lee: Uh, yeah, thanks. Jody Irwin: Don't forget I need you to take pictures tomorrow for my article in the school paper. It's part one of my three-part series on the correlation between high test scores and really good shoes. Juniper Lee: (sees her bracelet glowing) Oh, uh, Jody, I'm not sure I can-- Helper Elf: Psst. (peeks out from up a tree) Jody Irwin: Oh, June, you promised. I can't run the article without pictures. (The helper elf takes a picture and gestures her that he should do the pictures) Juniper Lee: Don't worry, I'm on it. Jody Irwin: Really? Are you sure? Juniper Lee: Have 'em on your desk by noon. Helper Elf: 3:00. Juniper Lee: 3:00. (Cut to Juniper in her room looking through pictures of shoes) Helper Elf: Naturally, you want to backlight a high top sneaker. Juniper Lee: These are amazing. And you did my math homework? Helper Elf: Eh, it's nothing. I was on a roll. Juniper Lee: Wow! You know, this is kinda cool. Ah-Mah says I had to quit stuff, but wait 'til I tell her I got a helper elf. Helper Elf: Whoa, whoa, whoa! (jumps off her bed) You can't tell nobody about me. Juniper Lee: Why not? Helper Elf: Uh, because whoever you tell, they're gonna want help, too, and, uh, my dance card is full. Juniper Lee: It's just Ah-Mah and Ray Ray and Monroe. I tell them everything. Helper Elf: Trust me, I've seen this before. You tell them, I'm gonna be fetching ice cream for the kid, making tea for the old lady, and washing the dog's feet. I don't wanna wash a dog's feet. (A soccer ball bounces in Juniper's room and hits the helper elf to a wall) Ray Ray Lee: (runs into her room) He shoot and scores! (laughs) Where'd it go? Juniper Lee: What elf? No elf here! Ray Ray Lee: My ball, ya freak. (grabs the soccer ball from under Juniper's bed) Got it! Monroe: (comes in with a dustpan and brush) Stop with the kicking! You've already broken three windows! Ray Ray Lee: Well maybe if somebody was a better goalie. Monroe: I'm barely a foot long and I've got no thumbs. Ray Ray Lee: That's your excuse for everything. Hey, June, can you come to my game tomorrow? Juniper Lee: Uh... Helper Elf: Psst. (gives her a thumbs up) Juniper Lee: Sure, no problem. (We fade in to Orchid Bay Elementary School) Juniper Lee: (hands Jody the pictures of shoes) So here are the shoe photos, Jody. Oh, also, I wrote a companion article, "The X Factor: Socks". Jody Irwin: These are awesome. Ophelia Ramírez: June, I-- Juniper Lee: Your website went live this morning. 20,000 hits and counting. Mrs. Gomez: Juniper, I see we made it before the bell. (Jody and Ophelia go to their desks) Juniper Lee: Hiya, Ms. Gomez. Here's my report on the platypus. (hands Mrs. Gomez her report) Mrs. Gomez: But this isn't due for two weeks. Juniper Lee: Oh, I had some free time. Oh, also, I made you those banana nut muffins you like so much. Mrs. Gomez: Oh, I shouldn't. Juniper Lee: They're sugar free, low carb. Mrs. Gomez: Shut up! Juniper Lee: Heh. (Cut to the track filed where Juniper and the Helper Elf are walking while kids are playing soccer) Helper Elf: (holding a planner) Okay, I moved your 4:30 to 5:00, cancelled conference call with the bridge trolls, tomorrow's lunch with some crustaceous gnomes, I recommend the flan. Juniper Lee: Good. Oh, and pencil in those red Nile goblins for early Thursday night. I wanna be at dinner with my folks at 6:00. Helper Elf: 6:00, got it. Juniper Lee: (sees her bracelet glowing) Oh, crud. A Kilbana beast is heading towards the city. Helper Elf: Kilbana beast? Get outta town! The Kilbana beast? I know that guy! Juniper Lee: Yeah, well he's gonna wish he never met me. Helper Elf: Hey, hey, kiddo. I can take care of that for you. The Kilbana beast and me, we go way back. We got a certain report, if you know what I mean. Juniper Lee: Yeah, but it's my job to... Helper Elf: No, no, no, no. You came here to watch the kid kick the ball around. Relax, I'll handle it. Juniper Lee: I don't know-- Helper Elf: Have I ever let you down? Join the game. Juniper Lee: Okay. But if you have any problems... Helper Elf: Don't worry, I'm all over this! (runs off) (Juniper walks to the bleachers and sits down to watch Ray Ray's soccer game as Ray Ray kicks the soccer ball to the net, scoring the game as Juniper applauds for him, but Mrs. Gomez taps Juniper's shoulder) Mrs. Gomez: Juniper, I need to have a word with you. Now! (Cut to her classroom where Michael and Barbara are there, very angry with Juniper) Juniper Lee: Mom. Dad. Michael Lee: You’re in big trouble, young lady. (Commercial break) Act 2 Juniper Gets Grounded Michael Lee: You’re in big trouble, young lady. Mrs. Gomez: June, I asked your parents here, because your report on the platypus. It was plagiarized. And in some cases, just plain wrong. The platypus did not discover America or ballroom dancing. Barbara Lee: June, how could you do this? Michael Lee: We're very disappointed in you. Juniper Lee: But, it's not my fault. Barbara Lee: Mm-hmm. Who's fault is it then? Juniper Lee: (sighs) Nobody. It's just... well, I've been really busy and-- Michael Lee: Well, you're about to get less busy, young lady, because you're grounded! (Cut to Juniper, Ray Ray and Monroe in her room after she gets grounded) Monroe: AAAAAH! You didn't think it was a wee bit suspicious he was helping you for absolutely no reason at all?! Juniper Lee: He's a helper elf! He had a badge! Monroe: (points to Ray-Ray) This one had a t-shirt that says "Rock Star", you don't see me asking for his autograph! Ray Ray Lee: That's 'cause it costs a dollar. Juniper Lee: (sees her bracelet glowing) Oh, just what I need right now. Speed demons are freaking out. I'll be back in half and hour. (Juniper tries to leave through her balcony since she is grounded, but is stopped by Michael who is outside) Michael Lee: Going somewhere, young lady? Juniper Lee: Oh, Dad. No, no, no, I was just staring out the old knee. Yep, it helps sometimes when the weather gets damp. I see there's a storm brewing, and I think-- Michael Lee: Back inside. Juniper Lee: Yes, sir. (Goes back inside and closes her patio doors) Monroe: Well, congratulations on being the first Te Xuan Ze forbidden to fight monsters by her parents. Ray Ray Lee: June, you can totally super jump over Dad. Juniper Lee: No, Ray Ray. Ray Ray Lee: Or you could turn totally invisible. Or I'll turn totally invisible and we can make a huge flesh-eating zombie out of paper. Yeah! And then the two of us will distract Dad while you and Monroe conjure up screaming rhino with wings… Juniper Lee: RAY RAY!!! Ray Ray Lee: Okay, no rhino, a zebra. Juniper Lee: I'm not going anywhere. I'm grounded. Monroe: (takes out her phone) I better call your grandmother. Juniper Lee: No, no, no, no. (takes her phone away from him) You can't tell Ah-Mah! It's to embarrassing. (sees her bracelet glowing) You guys gotta fill in for me. Ray Ray Lee: Whoa. (shudders) I get to be the Te Xuan Ze? Yes! Whoa! This is gonna be so cool! (bolts out of the room and comes back with two different capes) What do you guys think? Red cape or blue cape? Keep in mind, the tights are navy. Monroe: Juniper... Juniper Lee: Monroe, it's gonna be fine. All you gotta do is calm the speed demons down. They're harmless. Monroe: Aye, but is it absolutely necessary that I take the boy? Ray Ray Lee: Dude, come on! We're a team! Every superhero needs a sidekick. (places a masquerade mask on Monroe's eyes) Monroe: I'll give you a sidekick. (pushes him off) Searching for the Speed Demons (Cut to a junky part of the city when Ray Ray comes in his Boomfist outfit) Ray Ray Lee: Show yourselves, evil creatures! The great protector commands it! Monroe: (comes in) For the last time, boy, speed demons are not evil. They're just high-strung. Ray Ray Lee: Well, they better get unstrung or they're gonna taste my boomerang of pain! (takes out a green kitchen sponge) Monroe: That is a kitchen sponge. Ray Ray Lee: Jealous much? You can't hide forever, speed demon guys! (He does a dramatic pose. Beat) Ray Ray Lee: Okay, seriously. Where are they? Monroe: Shh. (The speed demons start running all over) Ray Ray Lee: Evil doers, halt! (two past him, tying himself with his own cape) (Cut to Juniper's room where the helper elf opens Juniper's patio doors and jumps on Juniper's desk while she does her homework) Helper Elf: Hey, kid, what's shaking? Juniper Lee: (angrily) What's shaking? (grabs him by the jacket) Helper Elf: Hey, watch the jacket, watch the jacket! Juniper Lee: (groans) You plagiarized my whole report! Helper Elf: Well yeah! What do I know about platypuses? They're some kind of vegetable, right? Juniper Lee: I got a zero! I have to write the whole thing over again, my parents are furious with me, plus I'M GROUNDED!!! Ugh, you are like the worst helper elf ever! Helper Elf: Hey! I'm the best helper elf! You got that, cookie? The best! Juniper Lee: Yeah, how'd you figure that? Helper Elf: 'Cause I'm not helping you, I'm helping Donnie. (Juniper stares in confusion) Donnie, big, floating guy on the roof, had a shark-gator thing going on. Anyhoo, Donnie wanted the Kilbana beast free, but he couldn't do that without putting you out of commission. Juniper Lee: You set me up? Helper Elf: Hey, look who just caught up. Welcome to the party! Help yourself to some punch! Juniper Lee: So you came back here to, what, gloat? Helper Elf: No. (grabs his purse) I forgot my purse. Juniper Lee: Yeah, well you're the one who can help yourself... to some punch, 'cause I'm stopping your Kilbana beast right now. Helper Elf: I don't know, darling. I think you're gonna have your hands pretty full saving your dog and brother. There's a reason those speed demons are freaking out. Juniper Lee: Oh, what did you do? Helper Elf: (chuckles) You'll find out. I swear, I'm getting Helper Elf of the Year for this one. (chuckles and leaves) (Cut back to the area where the speed demons continues running all over.) Ray Ray Lee: Come here, you! (One speed demon passes him) Halt! I said halt! (Another speed demon passes him) Please! (Another speed demon stops as Ray Ray tries to grab him, but crashes into a trash can and boxes) Monroe: May I? (He uses the trash can to trap the speed demon) Monroe: Whoa, there, lad, calm down now. Deep cleansing breaths. Tell us what's upsetting you. Speed Demon: (stammering) It was-- it was-- it was-- Monroe: Sound it out, me boy. Speed Demon: A levia-- a levia-- a levia-- Ray Ray Lee: Dude, just spit it out! Speed Demon: A leviathan frog! Monroe: A leviathan frog? Oh, please! You over-caffeinated monkeys, that's ludicrous. A leviathan frog, indeed. In 600 years, there hasn’t been… (looks behind himself) A LEVIATHAN FROG!!! (He and Ray Ray retreat as the leviathan frog appears in the scene) (Commercial break) Act 3 Stopping the Leviathan Frog and the Kilbana Beast (Ray Ray and Monroe keep running as the leviathan frog continues hopping past them and towards the city) Ray Ray Lee: Yeah, you keep hopping! Hop away, you big yellowbellied, slimy, wart-covered... amphibian! Monroe: He's heading for the city! We've got to stop him! Ray Ray Lee: Are you crazy?! He's a three-ton frog! What are we gonna do, get a hundred-pound fly? (Monroe grabs his utility belt) My utility belt! Monroe: Hey, bug breath, your mother was a tadpole! (kicks the utility belt's gadgets at it to get his attention. He then grabs Ray Ray's cape) Aha! Toro! Toro! (The leviathan frog uses his tongue to grab the cape and eat it. Ray Ray and Monroe retreat as it tries to grab them with its tongue. Cut to Juniper in her room. Michael opens the door) Michael Lee: Hey, honey, just checking you to see if you're okay. Juniper Lee: Well, yeah, just doing some homework. (He closes the door and reveals that Juniper has used a hologram of herself via crystal. Cut back to Ray Ray and Monroe still being chased by the leviathan frog) Ray Ray Lee: Monroe, if we don't make it, I just want you to know... this is totally your fault! (They run into an alley where they're cornered. The leviathan frog attempts to grab them with its tongue, but Juniper steps on it) Juniper Lee: What's the matter, June got your tongue? (She lets go of the tongue and gets on its back and it starts hopping. Cut to the beach where the Kilbana beast emerges from the water) Surfer 1: Dude! Surfer 2: Gnarly waves! (They grab their surfboards to ride the waves. Cut to the helper elf on the pier, calling Donnie on his phone) Helper Elf: Donnie, it's me. We're all good. (ends his call as he sees the Kilbana beast heading towards the city) (Cut to Juniper still riding the leviathan frog as it jumps and grabs power lines from a transmission tower with its mouth and she grabs two lines an uses them like reins of a bridle) Juniper Lee: Ya fight fire with fire, and ya fight giant mindless monsters with giant mindless monsters! Yah! (rides the leviathan frog like a horse on the rooftop buildings) Yee-haw! Ha ha! Yee-haw! (The Kilbana beast is still heading towards the city as Juniper leads the leviathan frog towards it) Juniper Lee: Yah! (whips the cables on the leviathan frog, signaling him to jump towards the Kilbana beast and she jumps off it) (The leviathan frog lands on the Kilbana beast, and after a short pause, they growl at each other and engage in battle as they disappear in the water and Ray Ray and Monroe are watching from a rooftop) Ray Ray Lee: Where'd they go? Monroe: Oh, from whence they came, my boy. From whence they came. Ray Ray Lee: Dude, can you ever say "I don't know"? (Cut to Juniper in her room as Jasmine comes in) Jasmine Lee: You can be grounded at my house from now on. I told your parents I have a lot of gardening to do. By the way, I really do. Juniper Lee: Ah-Mah, I'm sorry I almost got the city destroyed. See, this helper elf showed up, and I was really stressed, and... Jasmine Lee: I know. Juniper Lee: No, no, it's different for me. Jasmine Lee: No, it's not. (sits next to her on her bed) June, when I was Te Xuan Ze, I struggled as much as you, maybe more. Juniper Lee: Really? Jasmine Lee: But you don't need a helper elf. You have me and Monroe, heck, even Ray Ray, but give him small tasks. (Juniper hugs her) I know you will find a balance just as I did. Maybe until then, you can cut back on the extra curricular activities. Juniper Lee: Yeah, I should probably quit volleyball. It's not fair I have super strength. Jasmine Lee: Ah, stick it out 'til you win a championship. Juniper Lee: (giggles) You know, Ah-Mah, those speed demons are still loose. Maybe tomorrow, you and I should-- Jasmine Lee: Oh, tomorrow's bad. I have yoga. But I can do Thursday. Juniper Lee: Okay. Jasmine Lee: But if we can be done by 6:00, I have a flying lesson. Juniper Lee: (gasps) You're gonna fly airplanes? Jasmine Lee: No! Dragons-- big ones! Juniper Lee: Oh, neat. (giggles) Epilogue: Donnie and the Helper Elf (We are shown with Donnie and the helper elf at a racetrack) Helper Elf: Hey, Donnie, it wasn't my fault. Hey hey, I had the kid hook, line and sinker. I even got the backup plan with the frog, and whoa-ho! Am I glad I took insurance out when I rented that thing, huh? You know what I mean? (sniffs) Anyway, how am I supposed to know the kid could ride a frog bareback? So, um, you know, we're good, right? (Donnie looks at him) That's what I'm talking about, Donnie! You're the best, the best! You see, that's the thing with us guys-- (Donnie banishes him with a single touch and continues watching the racehorses) (Episode ends) The World According to L.A.R.P. [1.9] [June pours a chemical on the ripped scroll in a trash can] Ray Ray Lee: What's this supposed to do? Juniper Lee: Well, it should retroactively conjure the ethereal energy of the room and visually unveil the unobservable mysteries that took place. Ray Ray Lee: Oh! Kind of like a camcorder? Juniper Lee: Sorta. [She pours more of the chemical which explodes, then she takes out a crystal which shows an image of the Pirados Demons coming in the room] Monroe: Ugh! [sputters] Pirados Demons! No wonder the whole room smells like a gorilla's butt! [The image disappears] Juniper Lee: Come on! These guys busted into our house and shoplifted from my room. The Te Xuan Ze does not give five-finger discounts. Magic Takes a Holiday [1.10] Cold open (Episode starts in the park at night with a squirrel and it's nut in the walking path when rumbling happens, and the squirrel runs away. It turns out to be Juniper battling a Skunk Monster. She dodges the Skunk Monster's punches, swings on a tree branch and kicks its back, knocking it to a rock. She then lifts its tail, but the Skunk Monster sprays its odor scent on her, knocking her. The Skunk Monster is about to attack when an alarm sound is heard, which turns out to be a small winged monster carrying a whistle and it disappears.) Skunk Monster: Oh! Whew! Man, quitting time already? Time flies when you're having fun, huh? (Juniper stares in confusion) Hey, listen, cutie, not for nothing, but that was a nice move with the tree branch. (helps Juniper up) Juniper Lee: Uh, hello? Am I missing something? Big huge battle here? Skunk Monster: Check your date book, cookie. (pulls out his date book and shows her his calendar) It's Edipan. Juniper Lee: Edipan? Monroe! Monroe: Ooh! Sorry, lass, my bad. (checking over a book with Ray Ray) I could've sworn it was next week. The magic calendar changes every year, and keeping track of the holidays is a nightmare. Juniper Lee: Yeah, fine, but what's Edipan? Monroe: It's the one-week a year where magic takes a holiday. Everyone in the community gets time off, including the Te Xuan Ze. Juniper Lee: (gasps) Seriously? Does that mean I can go to drama camp over vacation without worrying about any magical freaks messing things up? (to the Skunk Monster) Oh, no offense. Skunk Monster: Eh, none taken. Monroe: Yes, you're free and clear. Juniper Lee: Hey, so what's the plan, huh? You wanna pick this up next week? Skunk Monster: Uh, sure. (sets up a day on his date book) How about, uh, Thursday? No, wait, that's no good. I've got parent-teacher night at school. Uh, Friday okay? Juniper Lee: Okay, great. So, uh, have a nice Edipan. (runs off with Ray Ray and Monroe) Skunk Monster: Yeah, sure. I got forty-three of my wife's relatives coming over. They're gonna eat until their butts explode. Take my advice, cupcake - marry into a species that allows you to eat your young. (his phone rings and he answers it) Hello? (his wife is heard yelling through the phone) Yeah, I'm on my way right... Oh, for Pete's sake! They ate the hors d'oeuvres already? (checks his watch) Well, Edipan started, like, five minutes ago, those butt monkeys! (ends his call) (Cue the theme song) Madame Rothschild's Drama Camp (The scene opens on a bus with Juniper and her classmates riding on a hill on it's way to drama camp. The bus runs over a pothole as it makes a turn. The bus runs over another pothole) Jody Irwin: Whoo! That was a big one! Whee! Ophelia Ramírez: Throw me off the bus now. Seriously. Juniper Lee: Ophelia, I don't get it. If you hate drama camp so much, why do you come every year? Ophelia Ramírez: Right, and get stuck alone with my mom watching game shows all week? Okay, hello? I don't think so. (Cut to Ray Ray with Monroe in a dog cage) Ray Ray Lee: Listen, dude, I'll talk to the warden, but I gotta be honest with you, you're looking at life. Monroe: And you're looking at thirty stitches in your heinie if you don't shut it! (his stomach growls) For pity's sake, are we there yet? That poor excuse for breakfast is wearing off, and I need my afternoon snack! Ray Ray Lee: So, what do you think Scotty's cooking for you this year? Monroe: Oh, lad, Scotty's the greatest culinary genius ever to cook for a children's camp. It'll be a week of nine-course meals, all of them deep fried, most of them involving bacon! I love that man! Ray Ray Lee: Take it easy, dog. Last year, you came back with a cholesterol level of, like, a million. Monroe: I don't care if my blood turns into gravy! It's chow time for Monroe! Jody Irwin: Let's sing a song! ♪She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes! She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes!♪ Ophelia Ramírez: I guess the bright side is that this can't get any more annoying. Melissa O’ Malley: Hey, guys! Ophelia Ramírez: And there it is. Melissa O’ Malley: Great to see you made it back this year. I, for one, couldn't wait to hone my craft again with Madame Rothschild. Hey, Ophelia. Nice outfit. Still working the goth thing, or did somebody actually die? I mean, besides your wardrobe. Anyhow, I'm like so psyched to star in this year's camp musical. You know, like I did last year and the year before. Ophelia, guess it's back to stage crew for you, huh? It's perfect. You can just blend into the darkness. Ophelia Ramírez: Maybe she'll get eaten by a bear. Juniper Lee: There's no bears in Orchid Bay. Ophelia Ramírez: Then we should rent one. (The bus finally arrives in Madame Rothschild's drama camp, then we cut to the kids inside the Theatre' de Rothschild auditorium where a spotlight shines on Madame Rothschild herself on stage) Madame Rothschild: Ah, the theater. This hallowed ground teeming with memories: life, death, comedy, tragedy. The very core of human existence played out for all the world to see at outrageous ticket prices. Welcome, children. Welcome to yet another thrilling season at Madame Rothschild's drama camp. For those of you newcomers, I am Madame Edna Rothschild. You might recognize me for my many appearances on stage and screen, and most recently a national antiperspirant commercial. (gestures a poster of herself on said antiperspirant commercial) Now, the big news. This year's production is going to be a real treat. An original musical, written by yours truly, based on the legendary tale, Jack and the Beanstalk. Auditions will begin tomorrow morning at 10:00 sharp. So good night, good luck, and good acting! (Juniper, Jody, Ophelia, Roger, Ray Ray and Monroe walk out of the auditorium) Jody Irwin: An original musical? This is so great! I'm gonna try out for every single part. What about you guys? Juniper Lee: Um, well, I'm not sure yet. Ophelia Ramírez: Yeah, well I am. Stage crew, here I come. Jody Irwin: Come on, Ophelia, you should try out for a real part this year. Ophelia Ramírez: Okay, hello? I can't act, I can't sing, and I can't dance. All I can do is paint scenery. (Cut to Scotty's shack where Monroe and Ray Ray are) Scotty: Monroe! Get your hairy buttocks over here, you four-legged, fur-covered meatloaf (Monroe runs over to him and he picks Monroe up) and give ol' Scotty a great big wet one! (kisses Monroe) Och! Oh, you got breath that could knock a buzzard off a dump truck! Oh, but come on, show Scotty some love! (Monroe licks him) Ray Ray Lee: (disgusted) Oh, dude, that's just embarrassing. Scotty: (puts Monroe on a table) Now, my wee bucket of canine puckertude, who's ready for Scotty's homemade brinies and haggis? (He sets the brinies and haggis for Monroe and he happily chows down on it and swallows) Monroe: Ooh! I love this man! (continues chowing down on his meal) Auditions (Cut to the auditorium where the auditions are on. Melissa is up first to audition) Melissa O’ Malley: ♪And if happy little bluebirds fly If they fly Beyond the rainbow Tell me why, oh why ca-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-n't I-I-I-I-I-I?♪ Madame Rothschild: Thank you! Yes, fine, congratulations, my dear. You're our princess. (Melissa runs offstage happily. Jody, wearing a raincoat while holding an umbrella, is next to audition) Jody Irwin: ♪I'm singin' in the rain Just singin' in the rain What a glorious feeling I'm--♪ Madame Rothschild: Thank you! Congratulations, you're the goose that lays the golden eggs. Jody Irwin: (shrieks out with joy) Seriously?! (runs happily offstage) Madame Rothschild: Next! (Roger is on next, wearing a cat costume, and he is about to sing, but...) Madame Rothschild: Thank you! Young man, is there anything else you can do? (Roger makes armpit noises) Madame Rothschild: Splendid! The village idiot. Roger Radcliffe: But... Madame Rothschild: Go, now! (Roger walks offstage angrily as Juniper goes on) Juniper Lee: (clears her throat) ♪Clang, clang, clang went the trolley Ding, ding, ding went the bell Zing, zing, zing went my heart strings♪ Madame Rothschild: No, no, no, no, no! You've got to sell it, darling, sell it! Belt to the back to the theater and make them beg for more! Watch and learn. Hit it, Harry! (Harry and his band start to play the song again in a Broadway tone) Madame Rothschild: ♪Clang, clang, clang went the trolley Ding, ding, ding went the bell Zing, zing, zing went my heart strings From the moment I saw him I fell♪ (She trips on her skirt, causing her to fall offstage and a trombone and a violin to fly on stage. We fade to outside the auditorium where Madame Rothschild is on a wheelchair with a cast on her broken leg that says "Huge Liza" on it) Madame Rothschild: Telling an actor to break a leg is a grand old tradition in theater, and now, I have. Oh, the irony! Melissa O’ Malley: But Madame, it's only your leg. You can still direct, just sitting down. Madame Rothschild: No, child. The theater demands total commitment, body and soul. (gets up from her wheelchair) No, my darlings. While I'd rather hang from the gallows that made this decisions, I fear the show must be cancelled! Ophelia Ramírez: I'll do it! (Madame Rothschild looks at her) Okay, hello? There's also an old saying that the show must go on, right? And you're always telling us how an artist must seize the moment, so let me take your place! (The kids gasps) I can do this! I know I can do this! Madame Rothschild: And you will, my dear! Melissa O’ Malley: (gasps) What?! Madame Rothschild: I like your moxie. (Juniper and the others walk away) You remind me of myself when I was just a young chorus girl with dreams of becoming a big Broadway star. And like you, those dreams will be crushed into dust like snails' shells on concrete. But still, the job of director is yours. (pulls out a script) This script contains everything you will need to make my vision a reality. Take it, learn from it, listen to the call of the muse. I have put my soul into this show, Ophelia. I am handing you my very soul. Do you understand? Ophelia Ramírez: (takes the script) Yes, Madame, I understand.(Madame Rothschild walks away while Ophelia throws away the script and the scene changes back to the auditorium) Ophelia Takes Charge Ophelia Ramírez: Okay, listen up, people, I'm makin' a few changes here. (Rolls out a "Stalk the Rocksical" banner, then she walks around with a quill and clipboard) Terrence, Melissa.... You were cast as Jack and the Princess? Heh. Okay, yeah, sorry, we've decided to go another way. Now you're the cow! (Melissa audibly gasps) Oh and Melissa, take the back-half. Melissa O’ Malley: Guh, you can't do-! Ophelia Ramírez: Jody, you're the new princess. Ray Ray, you're gonna be the goose. Ray Ray Lee: Cool! (to Jody) I get to shoot eggs out of my butt! Ophelia Ramírez: And Juniper, you're gonna play Jack. Roger Radcliffe: Uh, Ophelia, what about me? Ophelia Ramírez: Still the village idiot, Roge, can't argue with perfect casting. Okay, everybody, look over your new parts, rehearsal in fifteen! Juniper Lee: Um, Ophelia, seriously, in case you haven't noticed, I'm a girl and kind of Chinese. I can't play Jack. Ophelia Ramírez: Yes, you can! Hello? It's a whole statement on gender and race and all that kind of garbage. June, please, we can do this. You and me, trust me, nothing's gonna go wrong.(Cut to a cave where Dimitri and his hench-yeti live)Dimitri: And that is when we capture Te Xuan Ze. Hench-yeti: But Dimitri, Edipan is sacred pact. We're not supposed to be working this week, it is forbidden! Dimitri: (grabs a stalagmite, rubs his back and picks his teeth with it, and throws it away) Bah! Dimitri the Terrible will not stray from his path because of some archaic tradition. Besides, I am going skiing next week, it's now or never.(Commercial break)(We fade to Scotty's shack where Scotty is cooking when Ray Ray comes in, dressed as the goose)Ray Ray Lee: 'Sup there, Scotty. Scotty: Well, if it isn't the great star on stage, young Master Lee. And dressing is form of theatrical garb. What role might you have, me lad? Ray Ray Lee: I'm the goose in Jack and the Beanstalk. (gestures his tail feathers) I fire off golden eggs right out of my can. Scotty: Oh, my. Isn't that sound disgusting. Ray Ray Lee: Oh, yeah. I wouldn't sit in the first ten rows if I were you. (laughs) Hey, I was just stopping by to see Monroe. How is he-- Whoa. WHOA! (sees a fat Monroe, laying down from eating, as he belches)Monroe: I was just waiting for my stomach to settle. (pounding his chest) We're having... (burps) ...chocolate eclairs for desert. Ray Ray Lee: Dude, what are you doing?! You look like a hairy blimp with feet! Monroe: I'm not fat. My family merely has big bones. Ray Ray Lee: Yeah, well even the Brontosaurus family doesn't have bones that big.(Scotty sets the eclairs for Monroe)Scotty: Here you are, my little Houston cherub, the eclairs. (rubs Monroe's tummy) And if you're still a wee bit peckish, I got you a cake made entirely of roast beef. (pats Monroe's head) Careful, it's a little spicy. Monroe: I love this man. (belches)Ray Ray Lee: Oh, dude!(Monroe tries to reach the eclairs, but cannot due to his bloated state)Monroe: Quick, pull me closer to the food!(Ray Ray reluctantly grabs Monroe's leg and pulls him to the eclairs) Rehearsal/Opening Night (Cut to the auditorium where the rehearsals begin while everyone is in different costumes and a musical number begins)Juniper Lee: (dressed in overalls) ♪Golden goose, golden gooseLay me an eggDon't make me begTime to cracking, don't sit there and stareJust make me a million eggs♪ Kids: ♪An omlet of 24 karatsA frittata with gold coins and hamThis breakfast won't fill you up♪ Roger Radcliffe: (jumps on stage with a jester's hat on his head) ♪But with riches like thisWell, who gives a--♪ Ophelia Ramírez: Roger! For the tenth time, you are not in this scene. Roger Radcliffe: But I've only got two lines at the end of the play. I just run out and scream, "Power to the beans! Power to the beans!" Ophelia Ramírez: And if you come in early one more time, I'm gonna cut it down to no lines. Comprende? Bikers, you're killing me here. You're absolutely killing me. You're the vicious scourge of the road. Let me see some grit. And grim reaper, you're the bringer of death. Hello?! When you come out here, I want that audience to be dead. Get it?! DEAD! (calmly) But I gotta say, I think it was your best effort yet. Take five. BUT ONLY FIVE!(Fade to opening night in the auditorium where the audience are in their seats, including Madame Rothschild, Scotty and Monroe, who is holding a bucket of chicken legs. Roger peeks out from the curtain)Roger Radcliffe: Looks like a full house. Ophelia Ramírez: Okay, oh, my gosh, hello? This is it! This is the moment we've all been working so hard for. Thank you so much for your support and dedication to this show. It's been an incredible artistic journey for all of us. So get out there AND MAKE ME PROUD! And if you don't, I'll bury every single one of you up to your necks in hot tar, got it?! NOW, MOVE!(Everyone gets into their positions)Juniper Lee: Um, Ophelia, uh, just so you know, I'm really proud of you. Seriously. A lot of people didn't think you could pull this off, but you showed 'em. You did it. Ophelia Ramírez: Okay, like, don't go all "after-school special" on me. I did though, huh? Juniper Lee: (chuckles) Yeah, totally. Kid: Places! Juniper Lee: See ya at the curtain call! Ophelia Ramírez: Just don't turn into a diva and hog the spotlight.(The lights go off as Ophelia walks away. At that moment, Dimitri's hands appear from the dark and grabs Juniper)(Commercial break) The Play/Defeating Dimitri (The play begins, set in a city setting)Kids: ♪In a world without pityIn our dark, forbidden cityThe only thing you held for sureIs that Jack is so stupid!Jack is just so stupid!He invented a solar-powered flashlightJack!He thinks it's safer for astronautsTo fly to the sun at nightJack!When Jack reads, he always lose his lidJack!He tries to kill a fish by drowning itJack!He's got the worst sense of humorJack!If he got a zit on his buttIt would be a brain tumorJack!♪(Ophelia gets info from her earpiece)Ophelia Ramírez: What?! What do you mean you can't June?! She's gotta be here someplace! SOMEBODY FIND JUNE!!! (two kids run off to find Juniper)(Cut to Juniper in the yetis' cave where she is being held captive on a stalagmite tied in locks, then we cut back to the auditorium)Jody Irwin: June's cue is coming up. What are we gonna do? Roger Radcliffe: I will go on for her. Jody Irwin: What do you mean? You can't do that. Roger Radcliffe: Yes, I can! I know the part of Jack backwards and fowards. (rips off his costume to reveal Juniper's Jack costume on him)Jody Irwin: You had a Jack costume on underneath? Roger Radcliffe: I got everybody's costume on underneath, even yours. (rips off his costume to reveal Jody's princess costume on underneath)Jody Irwin: Whoa! Enough! I get it!(They hear Juniper's cue on as Roger switches Jody's princess costume back to Juniper's Jack costume, removes the Juniper wig and throws it aside)Roger Radcliffe: Fame and fortune, here I come! (runs to the stage)Ophelia Ramírez: (speaks with her earpiece) Did you check the dressing room? Well check it again! (She sees Roger in Juniper's place on stage as he winks at her, causing her to scream)Roger Radcliffe: ♪I know that I'm not the smartest gu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-uyI'm not the sharpest tool in the she-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ed♪ Ophelia Ramírez: No way.(Cut back to the yetis' cave where Juniper struggles to escape)Dimitri: You might as well give up. Those are magical giant locks, for which can only be cut by a giant's blade. Juniper Lee: Yeah, well, you're gonna get your giant butt dropped kicked to Seattle if you don't let me go! It's Edipan, you idiots. You're supposed to be on vacation! Dimitri: I don't observe Edipan. Hench-yeti: He's not crazy about Labor Day either. Dimitri: Enough chit-chat! If you ever want to get out of here, you will convince the Elders to release my cousins, the Karzanov Twins, who were wrongly banished for a crime they did not commit! Juniper Lee: They were stealing the Ancient Orb of Annihilation. Dimitri: No! They weren't stealing. They were curious, they were looking at it, you know, to play. They're curious and playful boys. Juniper Lee: They tried to annihilate Wisconsin! Dimitri: (laughs) How can you blame them? It's very cold. All they have there is cheese. Hench-yeti: Yeah, he's got a thing about cheese, too. Dimitri: Yes, I hate Labor Day, cheese, those little packages of ketchup, those commercials they show before the movies, and all that popcorn! Why do they give you a garbage pail full of popcorn?! Who could eat so much?! Juniper Lee: (sarcastically) Yeah, this is gonna be fun.(Cut back to the play)Female Kid: ♪Kiss the house goodbyeThe rent is due tomorrowMagic beans, I could scre-a-a-a-a-a-amAnd we've lost our co-o-o-o-o-owAnd we've lost our co-o-o-o-o-ow♪(The curtain pulls up)Kids: ♪Magic beans, magic beans, magic beans, magic beans!♪ Ray Ray Lee: (walks to Monroe, who is eating popcorn) Monroe, we got a problem. Monroe: (as he spits popcorn out of his mouth) What could be so important to interrupt my enjoyment of the thespian arts? Ray Ray Lee: Dude, chew it, don't spew it! June's missing. We can't find her anywhere. Come on! Monroe: Augh, for the love of... (lazily gets off his seat and leaves with Ray Ray) Ray Ray Lee: No offense, dude, but I can hear your thighs rubbing together. Monroe: Shut up or I'll pluck ya! (Cut back to the stage where Roger as Jack climbs up a tree) Kid: (voice-over, singing) ♪And then he will climb the sta-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-alk!♪ (The curtain closes) Ophelia Ramírez: Intermission, people. Ten minutes. Madame Rothschild: (comes in) This is a travesty, a theatrical mockery! A grotesque display of... Theatrical Maven: Genius! Utter genius! Visionary, an avant-garde masterpiece! A new era has dawned in the world of drama. Edna, I don't know how you did it! Madame Rothschild: Oh, well, yes, it came to me in a dream. (to Ophelia) The second act better be as good as the first. (pushes Ophelia aside) You don't think that the [Unsure for words 20:26-20:28] was a bit too Andrew Lloyd Webber, do you? (Cut back to the yeti's cave where Monroe finally arrives to rescue Juniper) Juniper Lee: (gasps) Monroe! Man, are you fat. Monroe: I may be plump, but at least I'm not dressed up like a holiday ham. (He grabs the giant's blade, gives it to Juniper and she frees herself by cutting the magic locks. Dimitri notices this and charges at her. The scene cuts between the play with Ray Ray and Roger in a giant's castle setting and the cave where Juniper dodges Dimitri's punch and escapes the cave with Monroe and back to the auditorium. When she gets back, Dimitri tries to grab her, but she dodges it, then she climbs to the top of the play with Dimitri in pursuit with balance. She sees Roger cutting down a prop beanstalk, she has an idea) Juniper Lee: It's showtime. (She jumps down and lands on the levers, pulling them down, making the prop of a giant capture Dmitri in it and send him falling down stage behind Roger. She then lands next to Ophelia) Ophelia Ramírez: Where were you? Juniper Lee: (sighs) A long story. I'm really sorry I... Ophelia Ramírez: It's okay. Actually, Roger's good. Juniper: Huh. I don't think I've ever heard the words "Roger" and "good" in the same sentence before. Sounds wrong, somehow. You know, like dry ice, cold sweat, jumbo shrimp. Ophelia Ramírez: (gasps as she realizes...) The village idiot! We don't have one anymore! Juniper Lee: Got it covered. (skids to the stage with the jester hat) Power to the beans! Power to the beans! (The audience cheers and applauses) Madame Rothschild: Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! (As Ophelia bows, Dimitri moves his head only for Juniper to kick him unconscious) Epilogue: Monroe on a Treadmill (We see Monroe in the basement of the Lee residence running on a treadmill, forcing to lose the pounds he gained as he tries to keep up, but the speed is too much for him and he flies off the treadmill and crashing offscreen) (Episode ends) Take My Life. Please [1.11] Ashley: Hey, that is such a cool shirt. It looks really cute on you! Ray Ray Lee: Dude. I am never taking this off. Monroe: I hate to break it to ya, lad, but you never do. You're like Charlie Brown. Juniper Lee: I've got like 300 episodes of The Powerpuff Girls on tape and tons of other stuff to do and... [to the TV] Get 'em, Bubbles! [to Ah-Mah on the phone] I'll call you later, 'kay? Bye! Meet the Parent [1.12] William: Ugh, everyone off to school? No beasties to battle? What am I supposed to do while they're off all day, sit around and watch you eat biscuits? [Cut to them in the basement while Monroe reads and eats a biscuit] Monroe: I'm allowed one a week. William: And obviously, that diet's working out real well for you. Ray Ray Lee: I got the bait! [pulls out a gnome out of his backpack] William: Brilliant job, laddie. Monroe: Ray Ray, did you steal that off someone's front yard? Ray Ray Lee: Dude, look at this thing. I was doing him a favor. Plus, if the gnome doesn't work out, I got us backup. [pulls out a flamingo decor out of his backpack] Monster Con [1.13] Cold Open (Episode starts at night with Juniper walking in the park, talking to Jasmine on her phone.) Juniper Lee: What? I have to give a speech? Jasmine Lee: (through the phone) Oh, don't worry. There shouldn't be more than a thousand guests? Juniper Lee: A thousand?! Ah-Mah! Look, I'm alright standing in front of people with a guitar slung around me, but a speech? (A mysterious figure passes by) Do I have to? Jasmine Lee: It is the Magical Convergence, Juniper! The Te Xuan Ze must address a gathering. Juniper Lee: But you're a Te Xuan Ze, too. And you've got experience: the years of practice, the knowledge, a lack of throwing up in front of large groups. (a pair of blue eyes appear in the bushes) Jasmine Lee: (through the phone) You know I am retired. Juniper Lee: Yeah, but Ah-Mah, I've only been at this whole battling-the-evil thingies for a little while. I'm still a rookie. (A minotaur comes charging behind her, but she punches it in the nose and jumps away from it) Juniper Lee: Yeah, bring it on, you big rib roast! This isn't my first time at the rodeo! (The minotaur charges towards her, but Juniper jumps and grabs it's blazer as it charges into an orange tree. Juniper holds the blazer up like a cape up for the minotaur as it shakes the oranges off itself and charges towards her, but it hits on something hard, leaving him unconscious, in which Juniper reveals a big rock behind the blazer and drops the blazer on the minotaur) Juniper Lee: Yep, a classic, but it gets them every time. Jasmine Lee: (appears above Juniper on the rock) Huh, pretty good for the rookie. That's one unconscious side of beef. Juniper Lee: Wh-- that? (chuckles) Are you kidding me? He slipped, and I'm pretty sure he has bronchitis. Jasmine Lee: No. In very little time, you have become an extremely adept warrior. Juniper Lee: Yeah, well you could have helped out a little. Jasmine Lee: Juniper, it's not my job anymore, it's yours. Need I remind you that I'm really, really old? Besides, I just had my nails done. Juniper Lee: Well, I wouldn't want the forces of darkness to get in the way of your manicure. (walks with Ah-Mah) Jasmine Lee: Oh, you ain't kidding. These are French wrapped. (Cue the theme song) Act 1 The Magical Convergence (The next day, Juniper and Jasmine are walking on a hill with Ray Ray and Monroe) Jasmine Lee: Every year, the most powerful, enchanted creatures of the known realms, all of these monsters and demons put aside their differences and come together for three days for the Magical Convergence. Ray Ray Lee: Oh, dude, are you kidding me? The all-star game for monsters? Are we here to, you know, seek the peace, pack a few demon skulls if anyone gets out of line? (laughs) Monroe: You really have no idea how short you are, do you? Jasmine Lee: Juniper is here to address this collection of magical elite as the mystical ambassador of our world. It is a vital component in maintaining peace. Plus, I'm sick of doing it. Juniper Lee: (dryly) Nice. Jasmine Lee: I don't mean to make light of this event, Juniper. (takes out a stone) It is a hallowed gathering. (turns the stone to reveal a magic door) For nearly a millennium, the greatest of all magic wielders and the most formidable mystical beings, they join together. This place is one of great honor and wisdom. (opens the door to reveal the a monster convention called Monster Con where the magical community are gathering and buying stuff) T-Shirt Seller: T-shirts! Get your Monster Con t-shirts right here! Multiple sizes and multiple armholes! Juniper Lee: Oh, you gotta be kidding. Jasmine Lee: Hey, don't complain. Last year, they held it in the Underworld. The whole joint stunk like a monkey barbecue. Monster Greeter: May I direct you to the registration area for your topas, names and badges, thank you. Welcome one and all to Monster Con 985, it's now terrific. Juniper Lee: (walks to the registration area) Um, hi. Yeah, I'm Lee, first name Juniper. Check In Monster: (checks through the name list) Lee, Lee, Lee. Hmm, I don't see any. Are you sure you reserved an attendance badge? Juniper Lee: Uh, well, it might be under, um, I don't know, Te Xuan Ze. Check In Monster: Oh, the Te Xuan Ze. Yeah, sure. Artie, the Te Xuan Ze is here! (Arthur Pettiman, a blue horned monster, comes and shakes hands with Juniper) Arthur Pettiman: Juniper Lee! Hello, I'm Arthur Pettiman, Monster Con guest coordinator. I'll be your handler throughout the entire convention. (takes out a scroll) Well, we've got a full schedule for you. Juniper Lee: I thought I was just giving a speech? Arthur Pettiman: Well, that's just your first lecture. Then there's the new mixer, the new exhibit, then the group panel on Fighting Magic with Magic, and then we... (gasps as he sees Jasmine behind a column) Good heavens, that's Jasmine Lee! Jasmine Lee: And here we go. Hello. How are you? Arthur Pettiman: (comes over to Jasmine and shakes hands with her) I'm fine! Oh, my gosh! Oh, dear me! Oh, I can't believe I'm standing here talking to Jasmine Lee! (as other monsters gather around Jasmine Lee) My cousin saw you fight nine Bucktar trolls. He said you hit one so hard that it was spitting up like a gallon of hemlock jelly! Jasmine Lee: Oh, sounds familiar. Arthur Pettiman: I'm terribly sorry, pardon me. I don't mean to geek out on you (laughing as he takes out his camera) but I just can't believe I'm talking to Jasmine Lee! Oh, oh, oh! (gives his camera to Juniper and places her in front of him and Jasmine) Could I just get a quick snapshot with you? Please, just... Oh, I'm truly sorry, really, really sorry, would mean so much. Jasmine Lee: No, that's fine. (Juniper takes the picture) Ray Ray Lee: Wow! Since when did Ah-Mah become such a rock star? Monroe: Don't be daft. Your grandmother was one of the most successful Te Xuan Zes ever to bear the mental. She is a legend. Juniper Lee: Well, if Ah-Mah was such hot stuff, why is it on me to take care of business? Red Monster Fan: (as Jasmine is signing on the back of a brown monster) You rock, Jasmine! Ya hear me?! ROCK!!! Jasmine Lee: Thank you, I try. Thanks, thank you. (walks to Juniper) Okay, I'm outta here. Juniper Lee: What? Ah-Mah, you're just gonna leave me? (sighs) It's like a Star Trek convention for monsters. Jasmine Lee: You'll be fine. If I stay here, we won't able to walk five feet without being mobbed. Juniper Lee: Yeah, I noticed. You're like Elvis coming back to Graceland. Jasmine Lee: That's why I have to go. The community of magic has to see that you are the protector now. Have fun, be good and don't let Ray Ray or Monroe eat chocolate. (Ray Ray and Monroe are seen eating chocolate as Jasmine leaves and two mysterious figures are standing) Mysterious Figure: (speaking through his bracelet) Sir, Jasmine Lee is leaving the facility. Should we detain her? Mysterious Leader: Negative. We're not in position. We'll have to come back for her later. Proceed to checkpoints. Mysterious Figure: Yes, sir. Juniper's Speech (Fade to Exhibit Hall A117 where Juniper is giving her speech) Juniper Lee: But we all must strive to, um, continue on the road to good magic. Because if we, uh, if we deviate from the path of, you know, the goodness we will find ourselves up to our armpits in the evil stuff, and we can't have that, can't we? (chuckles) Thank you. (The audience stays silence as one audience is heard clapping) Monroe: Well, I suppose it could be going worse. Ray Ray Lee: Yeah, she could puke or set her hair on fire. Juniper Lee: Oh, uh, now, um, I'm told we have some time, so, well if any of you have any questions, I'd be happy to... (a two-headed geek monster raises it's hand and stands up) Oh, yeah. You there. Yes, you have a question? Two-Headed Geek Monster Head 1: Over the summer, you manage to fight back a hemming goblin who was attempting to traverse a fourth-dimensional biportal. Juniper Lee: I did? Oh, um, is he a big dude, kind of like a ferret with tentacles? Two-Headed Geek Monster Head 1: Yes. Two-Headed Geek Monster Head 2: How did you dispatch him? Two-Headed Geek Monster Head 1: I assume it was an reintegration spell, but I heard you may have surprised him an implemented banexs gambit. Juniper Lee: Well, uh, I mostly just beat him up. Two-Headed Geek Monster Head 1: Oh. Two-Headed Geek Monster Head 2: Okay. Two-Headed Geek Monster Head 1: I guess that would work too. (The two-headed geek monster sits back down as a green monster fan pops up) Monster Fan 2: Yes, I wonder, is your grandmother, Jasmine Lee, going to be attending this year's convention? Juniper Lee: Uh, nope, just me. (The monster grumble in disappointment) Green Horned Monster Fan: (pops out from an old orange monster's ear) Uh, does your grandmother have a website? (The monsters mumble in agreement. Cut to two geek monsters walking out of the auditorium) Greg: Dude, this is the best monster convention ever! Tons of stuff to buy! Check these out. (puts on three lenses sunglasses) Hollis: Cool, bro! Dig this, breath freshener. (sprays some on his mouth and breathes fire on Greg's face) Greg: Oh, nice! (sniffs) Minty! (shakes the dust off his face) Hollis: Like, how big a bummer is that Jasmine Lee is a no-show. Instead, we get this teenage new fight. (Juniper overhears this) Greg: Gee, how boring was that speech of hers? Hollis: Man, I hope she fights better than she talks or we're all gonna be shoveling dirt in the Underworld someday. (Juniper leaves in sadness) Hollis: Man, I'm starvin' like Marvin. Is the food court in here? (enters a hall) Greg: Dude, I am not sure. Is this Exhibit Hall B27? Are we... (They see a group of magic-hating human soldiers called H.A.M. in the room as one solider turns to see them) Hollis: Aaah! Sorry, wrong room! Greg: Yeah, we'll just be going! Sorry that we... (The H.A.M. solider strikes them with an energy stick, causing them to collapse) H.A.M. Solider: Sir, it appears we have a breach. Leader of H.A.M.: But not compromised (takes off his cloak) All of you relax. Operation: Zoo Trip is still a-go. Years of planning, years of pain has all come to this. Today, I will have my revenge. Monster Con (Back in Hall A1117, a magical exhibition happens as purple goes on the stage and uses its tongue to pull itself inside out as the crowd cheers) Juniper Lee: But you're not listening to me! I am a cunning investigator who roots out evil. I do not have magical powers like the rest of these guys. I don't breathe fire, or sweat mud, or turn myself into a giant eggplant... Arthur Pettiman: Ah, Juniper, you'll be fine. Everyone is simply curious about what you can do. Just go out there and strut your stuff. Juniper Lee: Well... can you beat somebody to beat up? I can do that! I whoop butt, that's what I do (Cut to monsters laughing with Ray Ray) Ray Ray Lee: Listen, listen, listen. We were in this bowling alley filled with elves, right? And nobody ever told me that elves were that allergic to fried foods. And it was around this time that I gave all these elves french fries! (He and the monsters laugh) Monster Fan 3: Hey, Ronnie, come here! You gotta listen to this kid! Monster Fan 4: (laughs) Is that when the cyclone monkeys got out? Ray Ray Lee: No, no, no. That was right before we got us a batoot who ate half the house and all our toilets! What's with you guys and eating toilets?! (The monsters laugh again) Monster Fan 3: The kid's a stich, isn't he? Monroe: Oh, yes, his hilarity knows no end. Monster Fan 3: So you work for Ray Ray? Monroe: Work for... of all the... I'm Monroe! I am the magical advisor to the Te Xuan Ze! You don't recognize me? Monster Fan 3: Should I? Monroe: Yes! I personally banished you to the Realm of the Ice Giants! Monster Fan 3: That was you? Mmm... nope You think I'd remember something like that? You always been a dog? Monroe: Oh, for pity's sake. (A blue monster comes onto the stage, disintegrates himself through fire and regenerates himself and the crowd cheers) Monster Announcer: Yes, that was Barook the Flame Beast. And now, let's hear it for the Te Xuan Ze, Juniper Lee! Juniper Lee: (comes onto the stage) Uh, thanks. Thanks, um, I don't exactly have anything snazzy for you folks, but, um... Well, I can show you how a Te Xuan Ze can kick it out. (she does backflips, jumps from an edge of the stage, swings from two chandeliers, falls, jumps on four monsters and jumps back to the stage with a perfect landing. They audience stays silent; sighs) Jerks. (leaves the stage) (Cut to The Carloff Awards Magic's Top Honors in an exhibit hall) Tux Monster: The nominees for most ferocious biped or serpent are... (sees the letter) Vigon the Horrible. Marzak the Hair Troll. Dr. Horatio Burkelman. Danny "Boom Boom" Python. And the Carloff goes to... Vigon the Horrible. (Vigon's wife kisses him and he goes up to the stage) Ray Ray Lee: WHOOO! Way to go, Vigon! WHOO-HOO! Long time coming, pal! Juniper Lee: What a crock! I wasn't even nominated for best newcomer. Oh, man, or best use of banishment spells! I live off of banishment spells! Monroe: Hey, you don't hear me complaining about not getting nominated for best anthropomorphic animal advisor. I mean, it's all politics. Just because I don't catch spots or attend the union functions. I bet they'd give it to that chimpanzee, Roscoe. Juniper Lee: (her phone rings and she answers it) Hello? Jasmine Lee: (as she's watering a flower) Hello, June. I'm just checking in. How goes your first Magical Convergence? Juniper Lee: Awful. They hate me. Jasmine Lee: June, they don't know you. It takes time. You have to earn their trust. Juniper Lee: (exits the exhibit hall) Yeah, well from the looks of things, I'm not sure I'll be able to do that. Jasmine Lee: June, you have only just begun. Please trust me when I tell you this: you will become a powerful warrior, more capable than you can ever imagine. Juniper Lee: Well, I gotta tell ya, it seems pretty hard to believe. H.A.M. Attacks (Cut to the ceiling of the exhibit where the H.A.M. soldiers are up there, preparing for their ambush) H.A.M. Soldier: All agents are in position, sir. Leader of H.A.M.: Very good. All of you stay sharp. Any mistake will be your last. These creatures do not dispense mercy, so don't show them any mercy in return. Roscoe: Thank you, thank you. Believe me, this poor, enchanted chimpanzee from Yorkshire never thought he'd grow up to win best anthropomorphic animal sidekick. Monroe: Stupid chimpanzee. Roscoe: Thank you, thank you all again! (The lights go out as the H.A.M. soldiers slide down from the ceiling and begin their ambush, firing lasers at monsters and capturing monsters in orbs such as Cletus. Four H.A.M. soldiers fire their lasers on a winged monster and a wolf-beast. A dragon breathes fire at two H.A.M. soldiers who block themselves with energy shields as an orb gets thrown at the dragon's head, capturing him. As a small blue monster gets surrounded by H.A.M. soldiers, it turns itself huge, only for the soldiers to fire their lasers at it, reverting it back to normal size. The H.A.M. soldiers continue firing their lasers as other monsters try to avoid getting hit by their blasts. Three H.A.M. soldiers' lower halves even get turned into animal legs by magic.) Ray Ray Lee: (hiding behind a table with Monroe) Monroe, what's happening?! Monroe: Stay down, lad! I've got to get to June! We... (gets blasted by one laser) Ray Ray Lee: Monroe! (Outside, Juniper hears the commotion from inside) Juniper Lee: Wait, what's that? Jasmine Lee: (through the phone) June, what's wrong? (Juniper opens the door to find all the chaos inside. Five H.A.M. soldiers try to fight a purple five-armed monster that fights back and throws them while more soldiers try to fight a white beast that also fights back but gets taken down by two soldiers until they get captured by a red skinny monster by using it's long body. One H.A.M. soldier uses a smoke bomb and and uses her energy stick to capture an orange horned monster.) Juniper Lee: Oh, no. Jasmine Lee: Juniper, what's going on?! Juniper Lee: Human beings attacking the magical creatures! There's a ton of them! All these guys are shooting everyone with lasers! Jasmine Lee: June, get out of there right now. I want you to turn around and run! Go! Juniper Lee: But... what? No! Ah-Mah I have to help them... (Juniper gets ambushed by one soldier as her line gets disconnected) Jasmine Lee: June? JUNE!!! (Quickly, she runs into her house, uses her charm necklace on the eye of one statue to activate an entrance in her fireplace as she runs to her basement filled with magical artifacts from her years as the Te Xuan Ze, puts on her old armor, grabs a black orb, connects a stick, places an amulet on it and ties her hair) Jasmine Lee: Hang on, babies. Ah-Mah's on her way. Defeating H.A.M. (At the Magical Convergence, the H.A.M. soldiers are rallying the captured magical beings) H.A.M. Soldier: All targets are neutralized. Beta Squad, come in for transport. Ray Ray Lee: (as he and Monroe are captured by one soldier) You Men-in-Black-X-File nimrods are messin' with the wrong guy! Do you know who I am?! H.A.M. Soldier: Sir, we found this human boy and this paranormally-enhanced dog. Leader of H.A.M.: Oh, I know who these are. This is the sibling to the Te Xuan Ze, and this abomination is her dog sidekick. Monroe: (dryly) Oh, wonderful. This is who remembers me. (The soldier puts them down) Ray Ray Lee: So, you're the head monkey in charge? Well good! 'Cause when my sister gets here, I wanna tell her who gets their butt handed to them first! (Juniper gets thrown next to them) Monroe: Oh, lass. Ray Ray Lee: Oh, man. What's gonna happen to us? H.A.M. Soldier: You and these freaks will all be taken to a secure facility where you will no longer be able to infect humanity. Ray Ray Lee: For how long? H.A.M. Soldier: Don't know. How long do you plan to live? (leaves) Ray Ray Lee: Monroe, who are these guys? Monroe: They are a group called H.A.M. Humans for the Abolishment of Magic. (A tank arrives to take the captured magical beings) They are human beings who wish to rid the world of magic. They are very bad people. H.A.M. Soldier: Move it, scum! (kicks Greg to the ground) Juniper Lee: Hey! You leave him alone! Leader of H.A.M.: (chuckles) So speaks the Great Chosen One. You know, little girl, of all the creatures here, of all these lowsome atrocities, you're the worst. You're human, and you protect them, these... these monsters. Juniper Lee: Yeah, well the only monster here is standing right in front of me! Leader of H.A.M.: Oh, tough talk. I've spent my life studying you people. (takes out his amulet) I've found ways I could see monsters, (puts his amulet back on his armor) and then I found ways to capture them, and now you're done. And this nightmarish world of magic is coming to an end, and there's nothing you can do about it. (Jasmine breaks through the roof) Jasmine Lee: Hi, kids, sorry I'm late. Juniper and Ray Ray Lee: Ah-Mah! Leader of H.A.M.: Jasmine Lee. You just saved us a trip. Get her! (The H.A.M. soldiers charge at her as she places down a scepter and faces the soldiers, hitting them with her stick and dodging their lasers with magical stones, blasting away the soldiers) Ray Ray Lee: Holy mackerel! Did you see that?! Monroe: Heh-heh! I told you, the best there ever was! Juniper Lee: Oh, she's... amazing. (The H.A.M. soldiers keep on coming at her as she keeps hitting them with her stick and kicking them. She then magically removes the shackles with a single wave) Jasmine Lee: Are you hurt? Juniper Lee: Nope, I'm okay. Jasmine Lee: You want a piece of this action? Your grandma could use a hand. Juniper Lee: Yeah! Jasmine Lee: Good. Let's rock! (She grabs Juniper by the pants and throws her at a H.A.M. soldier as she kick down, legs another soldier, punches another one, punches another one down, backflaps away, jumps and bashing two more soldiers' heads) Hollis: What a move! She makes Yoda look like Jabba the Hutt! Greg: Yeah! Get 'em, June! (Jasmine jumps to avoid the laser blasts and she and Juniper land behind each other) Juniper Lee: So, is there a game plan there, Ah-Mah, or do we just keep busting heads? Jasmine Lee: We're stalling until that scepter of mine gets to full power, so yeah, keep smashing 'em down! Leader of H.A.M.: We need back up! Get me two more squads down here now! Move, move, move! Juniper Lee: (jumps behind the leader) Bring an army! You'll need it. (He charges at Juniper to fight her as she jumps to avoid his punches) Juniper Lee: Now listen up, Lex Luthor, your nightmarish plan of destroying magic is coming to an end! (She grabs his robot arm, punches it off and kicks him down) And there's nothing you can do about it. (The scepter reaches full power) Jasmine Lee: Here it comes! Hang on! (The scepter knocks out the H.A.M. soldiers down and disintegrates the orbs, releasing the captured magical beings as they cheer) Juniper Lee: What was that? Jasmine Lee: A memory scepter. It knocked out and wiped the memories of every non-magical human being in the building. Juniper Lee: Oh, man. We should use that all the time. Jasmine Lee: If you ever use it outside, it'll zap every person on Earth. Juniper Lee: Oh, okay, indoor use only. (The magical community continuously cheer on Juniper and Jasmine's heroisms as a monster takes Greg and Hollis' picture with them and they leave) Greg: Dude, that was the most righteous display of mystical battlement I have ever seen! Juniper Lee is like Conan the Barbarian in a pair of blue jeans! Hollis: Straight up! Let's go post that on the Internet! Greg: Awesome! (As they leave, Jasmine tumbles forward a bit, but Juniper catches her) Juniper Lee: Ah-Mah. Jasmine Lee: I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm just way too old for this crud. I'm gonna sleep for a week. Juniper Lee: Ah-Mah, you were... amazing. I never knew... well, I never ever saw you... Ah-Mah, will I be as good as that someday? Jasmine Lee: No, you will be better. Ray Ray Lee: Ah-Mah! Whoa! Whoa! You have been holding out on us! Honestly, anybody who kicks that much help does not need my help taking out the garbage. (laughs) Jasmine Lee: It's just to get you out of the house so June can talk to me about boys. Juniper Lee: Ah-Mah! Jasmine Lee: Oh, relax. Trust your Ah-Mah, I know best. Juniper Lee: You certainly do. Hey, um, I don't have to come back here tomorrow, do I? Jasmine Lee: If you don't, there's gonna be a lot of disappointing autograph seekers. Juniper Lee: But Ah-Mah... Jasmine Lee: I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Ray Ray, did you get me a souvie? Ray Ray Lee: Yep. It says "I came to Monster Con, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt". Jasmine Lee: They got that right. (Juniper giggles) Epilogue: Party in the Backyard (At the Lee residence, Ray Ray hosts a party in the backyard with him flipping burgers on the grill) Ray Ray Lee: How was I to know that there's gonna be a 3-ton spider in that box? (The monster all laugh as Hollis comes out of the house) Hollis: Hey, Ray Ray, I found this awesome dip in the pantry. Monroe: That's not dip, that's my dog food! Greg: Whoa! Check out the talking dog! Hollis: Yeah. His name is Ramon. (He messes the dog food and bites down Hollis' leg) Hollis: Attaboy, tough guy! Give me your best shot! (Episode ends) Season 2 It's the Great Pumpkin, Juniper Lee [2.1] Cold Open (Episode begins with Juniper and Jody walking from school on the street) Jody Irwin: Hey, you wanna get into the Halloween spirit, let's go rent a monster movie tonight. Juniper Lee: Oh, no way. You'll freak out. Jody Irwin: I won't freak out. Juniper Lee: Yes, you will. You see a monster flick, your imagination runs wild, and you freak out. Besides, monster movies remind me of work. Jody Irwin: (confused) What? (A monster steps in front of them, roaring) Jody Irwin: (shrieks and jumps around in fright) Space alien! It's a space alien! It's gonna abduct us and suck our faces off! I'll never get into Harvard with my face sucked off! (The monster continues roaring) Juniper Lee: Come on, I'm sure you'll ace the SATs. Jody Irwin: Perfect grade point averages and high test scores won't help me if my face is sucked off! (starts running around and screaming hysterically) (Juniper takes off the monster head, revealing to be costume, then throws it to Jody, who throws it up a tree as she continues screaming and running around. Ray Ray pops out from his costume, revealing to be the one planning to scare his own sister) Juniper Lee: Nice try, dork face. Ray Ray Lee: You weren't scared? Juniper Lee: Nope. Ray Ray Lee: Not even for a second? Juniper Lee: Nope. Ray Ray Lee: A nanosecond? Juniper Lee: Nuh-uh. But you sure gave Jody a conniption. Ray Ray Lee: What's a conniption? (The monster head lands on Jody's head as she continues running around and screaming) Juniper Lee: There you go. Ray Ray Lee: Cool. Conniptions rock. (Cue the theme song) Act 1 Halloween in Orchid Bay (Scene begins on Halloween night where kids go around the neighborhood in costumes and trick-or-treating at every house. A group of kids head to a house as they ring the doorbell and a guy answers the door) Kids: Trick or treat! (The guy hands them the candy) Kids: Thank you! (Cut to Jody's house where Juniper, in her Elvis Presley costume, is waiting for her friends) Juniper Lee: (imitating Elvis) Happy Halloween, baby. Thank you, thank you very much. Jody Irwin: (come in in her fairy princess costumes, giggling) June, that's so cute! I love it! I absolutely love it! Who are you supposed to be? Juniper Lee: (sighs) Elvis, Jody. I'm Elvis Presley, the King of Rock and Roll. Jody Irwin: Oh. I'm a princess. Juniper Lee: Of course you are. (Roger comes in as Abraham Lincoln mixed with a werewolf and robot costume on roller skates) What are you dressed as? Roger Radcliffe: Duh. I'm a werewolf-robot-Abraham Lincoln on roller skates. (howls) Beep beep! Four score and seven years ago... (howls) Juniper Lee: Couldn't decide on what to wear, huh? Roger Radcliffe: Nope. So I decided to satisfy all my passions. But it's better than Ophelia. She's not wearing a costume. Ophelia Ramírez: (comes in) Sure I am. I'm dressed as: cooler than you. Roger Radcliffe: Oh, yeah. Now, I see it. (Cut to Ray Ray, in his Boomfist costume, and Monroe walking to Juniper and her friends) Ray Ray Lee: Dude, what's with the skirt? Monroe: (insulted) For the last time, boy, it's not a skirt! It's a kilt! Nor is it a costume! I happen to be chilly! Now let's be done with this senseless ritual so I can go home already! Ray Ray Lee: Ah, dude, we haven't even hit our stride. (to Juniper and her friends) Come on, come on! We gotta move! The good stuff goes fast! Now, the word is they're doling out whole candy bars on Griffin Avenue. If we don't move it, we'll be getting no sugar-free hard candies from the bottom of some old lady's purse. (Jody, Ophelia and Roger start moving) Juniper Lee: (sighs) You must chill. Ray Ray Lee: Chill nothing! We'll be lucky to hit half the houses on our block before you gotta go kick some monster's butt 'cause your stupid bracelet starts beeping. Juniper Lee: It doesn't beep, Ray Ray, it mostly glows, kind of like-- Ray Ray Lee: Say, what do real monsters do on Halloween? I mean, do they tear it up like it's New Year's Eve or somethin'? Juniper Lee: No, they're out here with us. Ray Ray Lee: Where? Juniper Lee: Well, there's one. (points to two kids) And there. (points to two more) And over there. (points to two more) Ray Ray Lee: Behind those kids? Juniper Lee: No, they are those kids. (Scenario begins on a monster mom and her son) You know how we dress up as monsters? Well they dress up as humans. They do this magic spell that turns them into people, and instead of trick-or-treating, they go around doing human stuff. (scenario ends) Ray Ray Lee: Uh-huh. And that's cool... how? Juniper Lee: Beats me. They think it's really funny. (gestures two monster-turned-human kids next to a man on a bench reading a newspaper) Monster Human Kid: Excuse me, kind sir. What time do you have? Man: (checks his watch) It's 6:30. (The monster-turned-human kids laugh, to the man's confusion. Cut to two more monster-turned-human kids at a newsstand) Monster Human Kid 2: Here is some human money in exchange for printed news. (He and his friend laugh, to the newsdealer's annoyance) (Cut to two more monster-turned-human kids at a telephone booth) Monster Human Kid 3: Hi, can I have the telephone number for... Big Bill's Deep Dish Chicago-Style Pizza? (he and his friend laugh) (Cut to yet two more monster-turned-human kids putting a letter in a mailbox, to their amusement) Ray Ray Lee: That is so embarrassing. Juniper Lee: Oh, yeah. (Cut to Ray Ray's room where he starts to pile his candy on his bed) Ray Ray Lee: Milk chocolate, pile one. dark chocolate, pile two. Nut, nougat and crispy-filled chocolate, pile three. Other chocolate, pile four. Ew, butterscotch. (throws it to a sleeping Monroe who eats it) Candy corn, pile five. Peanut clusters, pile six. Gum, pile seven. Bubblegum, pile seven, subsection A. A toothbrush? A toothbrush?! Curse you Dr. Horatio Rosenberg, D.D.S of 42 Maple Drive! (throws the toothbrush to Monroe) Barbara Lee: (offscreen) Ray Ray, pick your favorite five pieces. I'll be there in a sec to put the rest away for later. Ray Ray Lee: Come on! Come on, man! (frantically starts eating some of his candy and puts the rest of them in his costume) Save the nougat! Save the nougat! Barbara Lee: (pops her head into the room and sees Ray Ray with his candy in his costume) Nice try. Ray Ray Lee: What? (Cut to Juniper in her room, listening to music on her cassette player when Ray Ray comes in, sugar high from all the candy) Ray Ray Lee: Hey, June, how are you? That's good, I'm just gonna walk around here for a while if that's cool. Hey, I wonder what's on TV. Ha, nothing much. Wonder how many chairs I can lift up at once?! I can’t feel my teeth! Juniper Lee: (takes off her headphones) How much sugar did you have? Ray Ray Lee: I dunno, not much. Who's counting? Get off my back! (he and Juniper notice candy corn being thrown at her patio doors) Someone's throwing candy corn at your window! (opens Juniper's patio doors) Open it, open it, open it! Open your mouth, open your mouth, open your mouth! (Juniper comes out to her balcony and sees different monster families in the backyard) Juniper Lee: What? Gus: We got a problem. Juniper Lee: Uh, yeah, we do. It's, like, midnight, and you're taking target practice at my window with holiday candy. Ray Ray Lee: Do you have any licorice?! Cletus: No, this is huge, June. All of the monster's children have been turned into humans. Juniper Lee: Uh, yeah, I know. Like every year, so what? Cletus: Yeah, but (camera zooms into his face) we can't turn 'em back! A Plan to Turn the Monster Human Kids Back to Normal (Juniper and Ray Ray go the monster families in the backyard) Juniper Lee: All right, I need some explainage. Gus: All our little monsters are supposed to turn back at midnight, right? Cletus: But this year, it didn't happen. Monster Mom: Look at my son! He's hideous! All pink and hairless and... (shudders) human! Monster Dad: We have a family reunion coming up next week. I will not, I repeat, not take my daughter looking like this! UGH! With the dimples and the sassy hair... ugh! Ray Ray Lee: Hey, hey, hey, my friends, over here. Listen, I can totally get my sister to fix your problem, right? But what are you guys gonna do for me, huh? Perhaps if you were willing to part with a little something milk chocolate or, let's say, n-nougat. Juniper Lee: Well, I guess there are a couple of spells I could try, but-- Gus' Wife: This isn't some potion gone wrong, it's something worse. Cletus' Wife: Way worse. Catherine: Evan, go on, tell her. Tell her what you do this time. Evan Thompson: Don't touch me! I didn't do nothin'! Catherine: Oh, that's enough mouth from you, young monster! You're in plenty of trouble as it is! He paid an agent demon to hex him into a human forever! Must have affected all our children! (the monster families gasp in shock) Oh, you betcha! I found this under his bag. (hands Juniper a card of said agent demon named Vikki Devyne) Evan Thompson: So what? You didn't have to ground me! Catherine: Not another word outta you, mister! To think I sat on an egg and hatched you for nine months. To have you turn your back on our culture, our family! Evan Thompson: Are you kidding me?! Why do you think I hate being a monster?! We're so totally disgusting! There's, like, slime and grody body scales, and I have hair in places you wouldn't believe! And we eat stuff that would make a billy goat puke! It is so wrong! Catherine: Oh, now what's wrong with being who you are? Evan Thompson: Well... I mean... look a me now. I'm like, amazingly gorgeous and slime-free! I could totally be a model. Juniper Lee: Okay, okay, I've heard enough. I'll go talk to the agent demon in the morning and see what I can do. Cletus: Thanks, June. You're a life saver. (The monster families leave) Gus' Wife: Oh, you just knew it was gonna Catherine Thompson's kid who'd pull a stunt like this. Gus: Calm down, sweetheart. Gus' Wife: Don't tell me to calm down, Gus! I... I've got a son that looks like Justin Timberlake! Making Deals Through the Underworld (Cut to Vikki Devyne's building in the underworld where Juniper waits patiently in the waiting room and a receptionist monster types on her computer) Intercom: Juniper Lee, Vikki will see you now. (Cut to Vikky's office) Vikki Devyne: Listen, darling, you pull this kind of stunt one more time and I'll personally come down there, tear your innards inside out and wear your ribcage like a hat! You understand me?! Good! Now, I love you, too, Daddy. Tell Momma hi. You must be Juniper. What brings you here? Juniper Lee: Uh, we've got a problem with the monster kids in Orchid Bay. It seems you, um, cut a deal with… Vikki Devyne: Oh, right, the Thompson boy. Nice kid. Didn't want to be a monster. I love to help people, I'm a real people person. It's really all about love. (speaks into her intercom headset) Bobby, where's my protein shake?! If it's not in here by the time I finish this sentence, you're fired! You're fired, fired! BRING ME MY SHAKE, AND NO BANANA!!!! Juniper Lee: Yeah, it's just that… Well, you turned all monster children in Orchid Bay into humans, and not just Evan Thompson. Vikki Devyne: Listen, sweetheart, I broke our packages. If I change one monster, I gotta change 'em all. It's an all-or-nothing deal. The kid initialed the contract. Juniper Lee: Oh, come on. He didn't know what he was doing. And now the natural balance of the world is all screwy and I have to fix it, so if you could see it in your heart… Vikki Devyne: Listen, sweetheart, You seem like a nice kid and I'd really really like to help, but my hands are tied, and by that, I mean I don't want to! I work deals here, okay? If you had something I wanted, then maybe we'd be having a conversation. Juniper Lee: Well, what do you need? (Bobby comes in with Vikki's protein shake as she tastes it, but spits it in disgust) Vikki Devyne: For starters, a protein shake that doesn't taste like an elephant's butt! AND I SAID NO BANANA!!!! (disintegrates Bobby, leaving his eyes bouncing away) There was a glorious protein shake that I used to get when I was just a little assistant agent demon in the underworld land of Quegara. I woulda taste that again. Juniper Lee: Alright, I'll get it for you. If I do, will you turn the monster kids back? Vikki Devyne: You got yourself a deal, sweetheart, but the offer expires at midnight. After that, the spell will be too powerful to overturn and those kids will be human forever. Juniper Lee: (as they shake hands) Capeesh! (Cut to Juniper walking to Quegara as a tumbleweed monster rolls by and she explores the town and stops at a smoothie bar) Smoothie Monster: Ah, I remember her. Used to come in every day and get a protein shake. And just the way she likes it. Juniper Lee: Oh, wonderful. I'll take one. (places her money on the counter) Smoothie Monster: Money units do me no good here. For this smoothie, I demand a trade of premium value. Perhaps you could acquire the Magical Amulet of Turisbak, owned by the fierce and powerful Lord Balthezul of Gremble Beach? (Cut to Juniper walking on Gremble Beach and meets Lord Balthezul, who is sitting and rubbing sunscreen on his belly) Lord Balthezul: Oh, young Juniper. I have waited for your arrival. I will trade you the Amulet of Turisbak for the Great Goblet of Goblins found in the Grand Gorge of Gorgia. (Juniper sighs. Cut to her giving directions from a monster and climbs up the Great Gorge of Gorgia and meets a shoe shine monster as he shining her shoes) Juniper Lee: So, uh, word on the street is you have the Great Goblet of Goblins. Shoe Shine Monster: Maybe, maybe not. What's it to ya? Juniper Lee: Well, I've also been told that you'll trade it for the Crystal Scepter of Malaperta. Shoe Shine Monster: You can get me the Crystal Scepter of Malaperta? No way. It's, like, a collectable. (Cut to her swimming to the bottom, then it transitions to a barber shop) Barber Monster: I shall trade the scepter for one item: the Ancient Talisman of Remoulardi. (Cut to Juniper riding a boat on lava while avoiding lava fish and she walks up to a monster king) Monster King: The Ankh of Klakteria. (Cut to Juniper swinging on the vines of a firey forest) Monster: The Shroud of Voldwans. (Cut to Juniper jumping on rock creatures in a jungle, then to a fight promoter in his office) Fight Promoter: Nothing. Juniper Lee: What do you mean nothing? There's nothing you'll trade? No, no, no, no, no, I'm here to trade! Come on, I'm your girl. What do you want? I can get it. Name it, name it! Come on, come on! Fight Promoter: (checks his watch and uses his tool to clean his teeth) Nope, I'm good. Juniper Lee: Come on! Don't be like that! You want the Orb of Treacle? How about the Gemstone of the Elfin King Titus? A DVD player? Frequent flier miles? Fight Promoter: (answers his phone as it rings) Yello. What?! What do you mean he can't fight? The match is in two hours! Juniper Lee: I'll fight! I'm a fighter! That's what I do, I fight! Who do you need me to fight? Fight Promoter: What are you talking about, kid? I need a winner. Juniper Lee: If I win the fight, you give me the shroud. If I don't, you don't. (The Fight Promoter thinks about it, then we fade to her, Ray Ray, in a tycoon outfit, and Monroe, in a sweatshirt and beanie, in a wrestling ring) Referee: Weighing at 73 pounds, soaking wet, Juniper "The Velvet Hammer" Lee! (The audience starts booing) Referee: And in the red corner, the 12-year champion of the Annihilator Fight Circuit, weighing at 3,716, two ounces, Jordan the Destroyer! (Jordan snorts as the audience cheers on him, then he stomps on the ring, sending Juniper, Ray Ray and Monroe up in the air) Monroe: Tell me again how we ended up here. Juniper Lee: It's complicated. Defeating Jordan the Destroyer and Reversing the Spell Referee: Fighters, get ready! Ray Ray Lee: (takes the microphone from the referee) That's right, ladies! June's gonna rip him to bits! She's gonna tear him five new blowholes and send him to the hospital in a lunchbox! Call his mama and tell him to forget about dinner, 'cause this second guys ain't coming home! (The audience boos as Ray Ray pounds his chest like a gorilla. The first round begins. Juniper tries to attack him, but swats her midair. She then jumps on his head and stomps on it, then she tries to pull his horn, but Jordan flicks her into the ropes. Juniper tries to pull Jordan's leg but he sits on her. Juniper swings Jordan into the ropes, but the ropes fling him back to Juniper crushing her, then she tries to bite his foot, but he kicks her to the roof) Monroe: That's it, girl! You've got him on the ropes now! (Jordan smashes a dizzy Juniper through the ring, leaving a hole shaped like herself on it. He then spins Juniper, throws her into the ropes and repeatedly smacks her back and forth, making her dizzy. He then grabs her and freezes half of her with his ice breath and roars in victory, thus winning the first round) Referee: And that's the end of round one. (Jordan yawns and kicks the half-frozen Juniper to Ray Ray and Monroe as Monroe uses a hair dryer to unfreeze her) Monroe: He's on the run now, darling. You've got him scared. (At round 2, Jordan steps on Juniper. At another round, he hits her face with his hands. At round 15, Jordan zaps her head charred. At round 23, Juniper tries to beat Jordan as he's sitting and reading, but he punches her. At round 42, Juniper tries stomping on Jordan as he's knitting, but rolls on his back, crushing her. At various rounds, Juniper gets getting beaten by Jordan in different ways: punching her head, throwing her into the ropes, tying her and even flattening her. Cut to a tired Juniper in her corner of the ring) Monroe: That's great, lass. You're wearing him down. He's almost getting tired. Or at least a little bit more. Juniper Lee: Are you sure there's no way to defeat this dude? Monroe: Ack, plenty of ways-- if you're fighting in the field, but this is a pro-match. Juniper Lee: What?! Oh, come on! I'm getting my butt handed to me on a platter out there! Monroe: I thought you were just giving the crowd a good show. Juniper Lee: His name is Jordan the Destroyer, he's destroying me! And need I remind you we've only have, like, (checks Ray Ray's Boomfist watch) an hour and 20 minutes to get that smoothie to Vikki or this whole stupid quest was for nothing! Monroe: All right, all right, no need to get snippy. If you want to weaken him, you can pull out the second horn on his tailbone, and he would shrink to a quarter of a size then you would be a shoe-in, if you don't mind cheating at professional wrestling. Juniper Lee: (sighs) (Another round begins. Juniper runs as Jordan tries to punch him, but misses as she jumps to the top of the ropes, then he tries to get her, but hits the ropes as she pulls Jordan's second horn, shrinking him to a quarter of a size) Jordan: No fair. Juniper Lee: Tough. (Juniper throws the horn aside, then Jordan tries to run away, but Juniper leaps on him and starts beating him, punching him, hitting him and even sitting on him. Jordan tries to punch her with his little arms, but she then punches him, to the crowd's disappointment) Ray Ray Lee: That's right, believe it! This is the ABCs of me, baby! (Hears the boos the audience) (Juniper jumps from the rope and crushes Jordan) Referee: One, two, three! The winner and new champion, Juniper Lee! (The crowd boos at this as Juniper, Monroe and Ray Ray start to leave) Juniper Lee: We have to hurry. Come on. (Ray Ray blows raspberry at the crowd, but Juniper pulls him away. Juniper takes the Shroud of Voldwans from the Fight Promoter, gives the Shroud of Voldwans to the monster, gives the monster king the Ankh of Klakteria, gives the barber monster the Ancient Talisman of Remoulardi, gives the shoe shine monster the Crystal Scepter of Malaperta, gives Lord Balthezul the Great Goblet of Goblins, and gives the Magical Amulet of Turisbak to the smoothie monster, who gives him Vikki's protein shake. Cut to Vikki's biulding) Vikki Devyne: So I say to this chowderhead, I said-- (Juniper breaks into Vikki's office) Vikki Devyne: So I say to this chowderhead, I said, "Hey, if you don't tell your client to--" Juniper Lee: Here! (hands her the protein shake) Vikki Devyne: What is this? Juniper Lee: What do you mean "what's this"?! I went to the land of Quegara, traversed the Gremble Beach, climbed Grand Gorge of Gorgia, truged through the snow of Malaperta, braved the rapids of Remoulardi, survived the forest of fire and ice, and I swam the vast fields of nothingness AND FOUGHT JORDAN THE DESTROYER FOR THIS! IT'S YOUR PROTEIN SHAKE!!! (Beat) Vikki Devyne: Oh, yeah. (tastes her protein shake) I thought I asked for no banana. Juniper Lee: (grabs Vikki by her suit) Undo the monster spell! Vikki Devyne: Okay, okay. A deal's a deal. I'll make the call. Shouldn't take more than a second. (calls a number as Juniper checks that it's almost midnight) Hi, sweetheart. Hey, Gary. How are ya? Great! Marsha and the kids? Oh, you aren't kidding. Oh, she did not! That's amazing for her age! My little one didn't take her-- Juniper Lee: UNSPELL THE SPELL!!! Vikki Devyne: Right. Listen, sweetheart. You know the deal I made with the Thompson boy? Right, yeah, I need to reverse it. Okay, thanks, I'm sure. Dinner next weeks sounds fab. Oh, and if you're one minute late, I'll tear your eyes out. Bye-bye! (ends the call) (Juniper sighs in relief as the monster-turned-human kids in Orchid Bay are turned back to normal monstrous selves. Cut to Juniper laying on her bed in her room as Ray Ray talks on the phone) Juniper Lee: (sighs) Did I mentioned how much I hate Halloween? Ray Ray Lee: Sure she'll fight again (eats a piece of chocolate) for the right price. I'm thinking $100,000, plus a bucket of dark chocolate with almonds. Epilogue: Dinner with the Thompsons (We see Juniper, Ray Ray and Monroe at the Thompson's place for dinner) Juniper Lee: Uh, thanks for inviting us to dinner, Mrs. Thompson. Catherine: Oh, you betcha. Yeah, it was the least we could do to thank you for fixing the horrible evil that Evan wrought! Evan Thompson: I'm sick of you bagging on me! (bangs his fist on a table and leaves) Catherine: (gasps in shock at her son's words) Monroe: Uh, so what do you call this, uh, delicacy? Katherine: Oh, that's slime. Ray Ray Lee: (eating the slime) Whatever it is, it's amazing! Juniper Lee: So, uh, (chuckles) what's for dessert? Catherine: More slime. (Episode ends) Oh Brother, What Art Thou? [2.2] Cold Open (Episode opens on the horizon of Orchid Bay, then we pan out to the woods where Juniper, covered in mud and leaves, has just finished fighting a red monster) Juniper Lee: (sighs) Ray Ray, you're too little to fight monsters. Ray Ray Lee: That's what I'm talkin' about! I'm small, spry, cagey. I can through their legs, hide in all sorts of nooks and crannies (gasps) like in their pockets, right? And they'd go, "Hmm, are those my car keys?" and "Pow"! Juniper Lee: Oh, look - you can't pow if you don't have any powers! (Ray Ray's about to interrupt) Nugh. Uh-uh. Shoving 45 grapes into your mouth doe not count. Ray Ray Lee: And two up my nose! Aw, c'mon, June, you gotta give me more game-time! It's like you're president, and I'm the VP, and when you croak, I gotta be ready to hit the field. Juniper Lee: Good to hear you're so anxiously awaiting my demise. Ray Ray Lee: It's not like I'd celebrate or anything. I'd be too busy kicking monster butt! Juniper Lee: Oh, Ray Ray-- (gets knocked down by a giant robot going haywire) Ray Ray Lee: Look! You're slipping! You didn't even see that guy comin'! (As the robot continues going crazy, Ray Ray jumps on a huge rock and jumps on it's head as it runs into a tree continuously) Ray Ray Lee: Give it up, you ugly, red-eyed hunk of evil metallic metal! (As he continues to beat up the robot's head, Juniper walks and knocks out it's batteries, shutting it off) Juniper Lee: Ray Ray... Ray Ray Lee: Whoa! I got him on the ropes, June! (bites one of the robot's horns) He's playing possum! Ha! Nerd Monster: (comes in) Oh, oh, oh, June! Thank heavens, June! You've cut my Mega Robotica 6000! Juniper Lee: (sighs) Benny, how many times do I have to tell you? Stop building machines. (gives the batteries to him) They will rise up against you. Ray Ray Lee: (continues to attack the robot) That's right! You wanna piece of me? You wanna piece of me?! Huh, do ya?! Benny: So, uh, should we tell him? Juniper Lee: Nah, it's good for self-esteem. (They watch Ray Ray continuously fighting the robot) Benny: He never runs out of juice, does he? Juniper Lee: Not in 8 long years. Ray Ray Lee: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (Cue the theme song) Act 1 Making a Growth Potion (Scene opens in the Lee residence where Juniper and Monroe are talking to a tiny giant) Juniper Lee: You're a what? Tiny Giant: I'm a giant. Monroe: A giant what? Tiny Giant: A giant! A giant! You know, "Fee-fi-fo-fum". (They laugh) Tiny Giant: It's not funny! Monroe: Well, it is a little bit. (laughs) A little bit! You get that? (laughs) Tiny Giant: Cut it out! Monroe: Oh, don't you get short with me. (laughs) Short! Oh, it's too easy! Tiny Giant: That's what I'm talkin' about! I've been made fun of me whole life! My family is supposed to keep the peace in giant territory, my brothers have retired, and now it's on me. Who's gonna listen to me looking like this?! Juniper Lee: So, uh, you want me to help me get bigger? Tiny Giant: Exactly! Just once, I'd like someone to ask me, "How's the weather up there?", "Are you a basketball player?" or "Duck!" Juniper Lee: I guess we can make you a growth potion (the tiny giant smiles as she leans and whispers to Monroe) Um, we can do that, right? Monroe: Aye, but it'd be no small task. (chuckles) Small task! (he and Juniper laugh again) I didn't even mean that one! (The tiny giant gets angry at their puns and leaves) Monroe: Oh, look how cute he walks away on his wee legs! Wee! (they laugh once more) (Cut to them making the growth potion in her room) Monroe: Alright, alright, next add a smidgeon of dust root. Juniper Lee: A smidgeon? How much is a smidgeon? Monroe: A bit less than a dash-- a tad more than a pinch. Juniper Lee: (adds the dust root on the potion and sniffs it) Yuck! Ugh! It smells like somebody set buffalo poop on fire. Monroe: Aye, that's how you know it's working. (Ray Ray comes in holding grapes) Ray Ray Lee: 46, baby! (munches the grapes) Monroe: For pity's sake, get back! You're a walking health hazard! Ray Ray Lee: (sees the growth potion) What's going on? Juniper Lee: Growth potion. Ray Ray Lee: No way! You need a taste tester? I can be a taste tester. Juniper Lee: (pushes him away from the growth potion) Get off! Remember last time you drank a potion? You burped for 9 hours straight. Ray Ray Lee: (sighs) Best day of my life. Juniper Lee: (her bracelet starts glowing) Oh, man, fire demons in the city pool again? Ugh, I told them open swim's 11:00 to 2:00 on Sundays. Ray Ray Lee: Mmm-mmm-mmm. You guys better get on that. I'll watch the potion. Juniper Lee: Okay, how stupid do you think I am? (pushes Ray Ray out of her room and closes her door) Ray Ray Lee: Come on, give me one more sip, a taste test, quality control. June, you gotta think about the customer. Juniper Lee: Stay out of my room! (leaves with Monroe) (Ray Ray tries to open Juniper's door, but it's locked. He thinks about it and gets an idea. Cut to Barbara typing on her computer) Ray Ray Lee: Mom, can I borrow a credit card? Barbara Lee: No. Ray Ray Lee: ATM? Barbara Lee: No. Ray Ray Lee: Driver's license? Barbara Lee: No. Ray Ray Lee: Library card? (Beat) Barbara Lee: Glad to see you take an interest in reading! (gives him her library card) Ray Ray Lee: Knowledge is power, toots! Barbara Lee: What'd you call me? Ray Ray Lee: I love you! (He slides the card on the door and unlocks it. He tries to grab the cauldron, but is too heavy. He thinks and gets another idea. Cut to Barbara washing the dishes in the kitchen) Ray Ray Lee: Can I borrow a ladle? Barbara Lee: No. Ray Ray Lee: Turkey baster? Barbara Lee: No. Ray Ray Lee: Ice cream scoop? Barbara Lee: No. Ray Ray Lee: Straw? (She gives him a straw) Ray Ray Lee: Bendy straw? Barbara Lee: Don't push it. (He goes back to Juniper's room and uses the straw to taste the growth potion. Afterwards, he groans in disgust and burps loudly) Ray Ray Lee: That was awesome! (tastes the rest of the potion) Alright, it's grow time! (He stands to wait something happening as time passes by from 11:55 to 12:15. He keeps waiting, but nothing happens) Ray Ray Lee: Aw, man! I guess it's back to plan B: chocolate milk. (He squeezes three squirts of chocolate syrup in a cup and a dash of milk. As he's about to drink it, his hands grow big due to the growth potion) Ray Ray Lee: Cool! (He tries them out by clapping, making dance moves and doing the devil horn gestures like a rock star when he hears Juniper who gets home) Juniper Lee: (offscreen) Oh please! The point of being a fire demon is to be on fire, I don’t care how hot they get they should learn and deal to stay out of the public pool. (Ray Ray frantically looks around for a way to hide his big hands. He spots the sink and splashes everywhere with them to make it look like he's doing the dishes as Juniper and Monroe enter the kitchen) Ray Ray Lee: Oh, hi guys, didn't hear you coming. Juniper Lee: Uh, listen, Ray Ray, I kind of felt bad about snapping at you before, so, uh... here. (gives him an ice cream) (Ray Ray remembers not to try to show Juniper his huge hands) Ray Ray Lee: Emmmm, no thanks. Really wanna get this dishes done. Juniper Lee: (suspiciously) Are you feeling okay? Ray Ray Lee: Yeah, great. It's just Mom and Dad do so much for us I... really wanna give 'em something back. (Continues pretending to do the dishes as Juniper leaves, and afterwards takes his hands out of the sink) Ahh, with big hands comes big responsibilities...and no ice cream. (looking at his wet hands) Hoo! I gotta moisturize these puppies. (He looks around for any moisturizer cream and spots one called "Oooh Squishy! SPF 45". He squirts the bottle on his hands to moisturize them when his feet grow big, ripping his shoes off) Ray Ray Lee: (gasps) That's what I'm talkin' about! (He tests his big feet by dancing and hopping around) Oh, yea-- (a purple tail with yellow spots pops out of his butt) Okay, didn't see that coming. (Cut to Juniper and Monroe in her room as he sniffs the potion) Monroe: You know, it still seems a teeny bit off. Ha! Teeny bit! Did you hear what I said? Yet another pun about-- (They feel the house shake. They walk into the hallway to investigate and see Ray Ray now a dinosaur-type monster) Ray Ray Lee: This is totally not my fault. Ray Ray the Monster Juniper Lee: (gasps) Ray Ray, what did you do?! Ray Ray Lee: Nothing. Juniper Lee: You're a monster! What did you do?! Ray Ray Lee: Oh, that! Funny story-- Monroe: He drank the potion. (Ray Ray smiles nervously) It looks like we've added a tad too much of the lizard scales. Ray Ray Lee: (as he looks himself in a mirror) You guys should totally thank me for drinking that bad boy before giving it to the giant dude. I am pretty sure he didn't want to be turned into a huge lizard. Monroe: Aye. He'd been more than a tiny bit upset. Ha! Tiny bit upset! You get that...? Juniper Lee: Now's not the time! Barbara Lee: (comes in) June... have you seen Ray Ray? He has my library card. Juniper Lee: (as Ray Ray tries to hide himself) Oh, uh, he's, um, in the basement. Yeah, I'll get it for you. Barbara Lee: Thanks. (leaves) Ray Ray Lee: (stammers) How come Mom couldn't see me? Monroe: Because you're a magical creature now. Ray Ray Lee: You mean I'm invisible and a monster? This just keeps getting better and better! (laughs, but grows a little) Dude, you guys are shrinking. (He grows a little bit more. Cut to Juniper and Monroe attempting pushing Ray Ray out the back door) Juniper Lee: Ray Ray, a little help?! (Ray Ray gets up and walks out, breaking the doorway with his monster backside) Juniper Lee: (dryly) Thanks. (Fade to seven cauldrons of different potions to change Ray Ray back with Juniper stirring one with a spoon) Juniper Lee: Alright, this should reverse it. (She gives the spoon to Ray Ray as he blows the spoon gently, tastes the potion and gets disgusted) Ray Ray Lee: Hold on. I feel somethin' (his stomach rumbles as he burps loudly and laughs) More of the same please, and keep 'em comin'! Juniper Lee: Here, try this one. (She gives Ray Ray another spoon filled with another potion as he sniffs it and tastes the potion, but it covers him in the shade of red. Juniper facepalms and gives another spoon as he tastes another potion, but it covers him in the shade of yellow, but he hiccups to the shade of blue. Juniper gives him yet another spoon as he tastes another potion, but it gives him rainbow polka dots) Ray Ray Lee: Woo-hoo! Somebody connect my dots! (laughs, but the shade of blue and polka dots disappear) Aww! Juniper Lee: What are we gonna do? (Ray Ray grows a little more) Monroe: Look, lass, if he keeps growing at this rate, we may have to, you know, banish him. Ray Ray Lee: Banish? Who we banishing? There's gonna be banishing? All right! (laughs as Juniper and Monroe look at him, making him realize...) You're gonna banish me? You can't banish me! I don't know anybody there! I'm too young! I'm only 8! Monroe: 8 tons! And if you grow any more, your enormous butt will crush the entire city. Ray Ray Lee: Well, I can get small. I'll do more cardio (starts doing it as he grows a little more, crushing the fence) I didn't do it! Juniper Lee: (facepalms) Hey, I got an idea. Monroe: Aye, you should have a last meal. Juniper Lee: No, no, no, no, no, no. If we can't turn Ray Ray back, what if we made another body and switched his brain? Monroe: You do hear yourself. Ray Ray Lee: If you're making a new body, could it be a litter taller and with wings? As long as you're making one. (Juniper stares in annoyance) Making a New Body for Ray Ray (Cut to her making a new potion, breaking a tree branch and putting it in the potion and she's stirring) Juniper Lee: Shoes. (Monroe gives her the shoes and she throws them in the potion) T-shirt. (Monroe gives her the t-shirt and she throws it in the potion) Dirty socks. (Monroe gives her the sock and she throws it in the potion) Hair. (Monroe gives her a piece of Ray Ray's hair and she looks at it and throws it in the potion. She stirs the potion and fills a jar of it) And here we go. (She pours a drop of the potion to the ground, and it makes a dog version of Ray Ray) Ray Ray Lee: I'll take it! (Juniper and Monroe stare at him in annoyance) (She tries it again, but the potion makes a praying mantis version of Ray Ray. She tries it once again, but the potion makes a weird flower creature version of Ray Ray. She tries it again, but the potion makes a body of Ray Ray with elephant feet and trunk and moose antlers. She tries it yet again, but the potion makes a female superhero of Boomfist as Monroe gets smitten by it.) Monroe: Why don't we hang onto that one? (Juniper looks at him) I'm saying, just as a back up, you know. (She tries it one more time, and the potion successfully makes a new body of Ray Ray, but grows a mustache) Juniper Lee: Eh, close enough. (Monroe shaves the mustache off his the Ray Ray body's face) Monroe: What's the Orb of Drakaron for? Juniper Lee: Well, goblins use it to transport stuff back and forth, so it should work switching his brain. (scratches head) Right? Monroe: Eh, it's worth a shot. Ray Ray Lee: Worth a shot? This is my melon you're playin' all fast and loose with! Monroe: True, it wouldn't be the greatest loss. Juniper Lee: Hey, don't worry. (pats on Ray Rays snout) I know what I'm doing. (she walks a few inches from the two bodies and she points the orb at the monster Ray Ray) Monroe: (whispering) Other way, lass. Juniper Lee: Oh, yeah. (points the orb at the Ray Ray body as it starts to glow) Ray Ray Lee: Uh, uh, maybe we should talk-- (The orb transports Ray Ray's brain from the monster Ray Ray's body to the new body as they fall unconscious) Juniper Lee: Ray Ray! Ray Ray! Are you alright? Say something! Ray Ray Lee: I... I... (wakes up) I'm starving! Man, what a ride! Let's do that again! Monroe: I'd say his brain is workin' at full capacity. Juniper Lee: (hugs him, then hits him lightly) Now stay out of my room! Ray Ray Lee: Ow! Okay, already! Do I look taller? I feel taller! Juniper Lee: Come on, let's get you something to eat. (they walk away) Ray Ray Lee: What about the big guy? Juniper Lee: Eh, he's got no brain, so he's harmless. We'll deal with him later. Ray Ray Lee: Ah. (checks his belly) Cool, I got a new mole. (The monster Ray Ray suddenly wakes up and roars angrily. The trio scream and run away as the monster Ray Ray starts chasing them) Juniper vs. the Ray Ray Monster (In the park, a squirrel is eating it's nut, as the trio are still being chased by the monster Ray Ray as it destroys a bench and breaks a statue, which lands on two cars. Juniper carries Ray Ray and Monroe up a tree, jumping, thinking they're safe, but the monster grows a little more and roars at them. They scream and climb higher as the monster Ray Ray starts bashing his head on the tree and Juniper holds a stone) Ray Ray Lee: What's that? Juniper Lee: A banishment stone. I'm gonna zap Barney here to Never Neverland. Ray Ray Lee: No! (makes Juniper miss her shot, zapping a car and banishing it instead) Monroe: What in Great MacGregor's ghost do you think you're doing?! Juniper Lee: Ray Ray. Ray Ray Lee: You can't hurt him. Juniper Lee: Why not? Ray Ray Lee: Well, 'cause he may not have my brain or my dashing good looks, but until 10 minutes ago, that monster dude was me. (Juniper looks at him) Me, June. You can't hurt me. Please? Monroe: Of all the ridiculous... (Juniper thinks about it as Ray Ray has a sad look) Juniper Lee: (sighs) Alright. Monroe: Alright?! Have you lost... Juniper Lee: Chill out! Look, I'll try and lull him to sleep by pounding the snout out of him. Here, the stone will power up again in a minute. Monroe, if I can't bring down Godzilla here, you take him out. Ray Ray Lee: If you can catch him. (the Ray Ray monster starts running off) Man, I'm fast. (cut to later as the trio go after it) You made the right, June! Monster he's not evil, he's just misunderstood. (Cut to a baseball field where the Ray Ray monster starts destroying it) Ray Ray Lee: Okay, maybe he's a little evil. (Juniper jumps to the field to face the Ray Ray monster) Juniper Lee: Hey, dork-a-saurus! (The Ray Ray monster charges towards her, but she jumps behind her as it charges towards her again, but she runs underneath its body and slides to the base. The Ray Ray monster roars and charges towards her again, but she jumps and kicks it on the head, knocking it to the batting cages. The Ray Ray monster grows a little more and roars as Juniper charges towards it and tries to punch it in the stomach to no avail. The Ray Ray monster knocks Juniper with its tail and it grows a little more) Monroe: The monster's getting too big for her. She's gonna get hurt. Ray Ray Lee: Sounds like a job for the vice president! Monroe: No, we have to banish him. (holds the banishment stone) Ray Ray Lee: But... Monroe: Sorry, lad, there's no other way. June! (throws the banishment stone to her) (Juniper missed getting stomped by the Ray Ray monster as she grabs the banishment stone. The Ray Ray monster gets on all fours and charges towards her and she prepares to use the banishment stone on the monster until...) Ray Ray Lee: STOOOOOOP!!!! (The Ray Ray monster stops at a halt) Sit! (The Ray Ray monster does so) Good boy! Juniper Lee: Oh, how'd you do that? Ray Ray Lee: I told ya-- the dude's me. I like me, the only way he listens is if you yell. (Fade back to the backyard with Juniper, Monroe and the tiny giant) Monroe: The bad news is there's no growth potion. The good news is... well it's not exactly good news, more above average. Tiny Giant: And just how am I supposed to keep peace in giant territory if I'm not big? Juniper Lee: Oh, the same way I do. It'll be a team effort. (Ray Ray comes in with the Ray Ray monster on a leash) Ray Ray Lee: 900,000 pounds of Ray Ray muscle at your service. (The giant looks at the Ray Ray monster) Tiny Giant: This is for me? Ray Ray Lee: He eats chocolate, dim sum, orange soda, Hawaiian pizza, caramel corn, or if he had none of that, just plain sugar, no vegetables, and he's not big on brushing his teeth, and whatever you do, don't try to give him a bath. You'll be way sorry. (gives the leash to the giant) Keep him well, little dude. Tiny Giant: I don't know what to say. This is fantastic. Though I reckon he's also a big responsibility. You know what I mean? (They stare at him blankly) Get it? 'Cause he's big, right? Taking care of him is certainly a tall order! Am I right? Juniper Lee: Are you saying you don't want him? Tiny Giant: No, it's a joke. Ray Ray Lee: (laughs) I get it! Kinda. Tiny Giant: Yep! The two of us will certainly be living large, eh? (laughs) (They continue staring at him blankly) Tiny Giant: Oh, forget you guys. Come on, Ray Ray. (leaves with the Ray Ray monster) Monroe: A wee bit of a short fuse on that one. Ray Ray Lee: (laughs) Short fuse! Oh, it's a good one, dude! 'Cause he's short! Monroe: Yes, but we solved his little problem. (They all laugh) Ray Ray Lee: Stop, man! I'm gonna puke! Ha ha! Epilogue: Giant Territory (We are shown with two giants in giant territory, arguing with each other) Derek: You can't a bring a zombie into it! I ought to just-- (shoves the other giant) Tiny Giant: (comes in with the Ray Ray monster) Alright, what's all this then? Derek: Blimey! A talking spotted monster! Tiny Giant: It's not the monster, it's me, you git! Tiny Giant: What's your name, talking wart? Tiny Giant: You know very well who I am, Derek. Now move it along before you get pounded! Come on! (Derek and the other giant laugh and walk away) Tiny Giant: It's not funny! (Episode ends) The Great Escape [2.3] Cold Open (Episode starts at the zoo where Juniper, Jody, Ophelia and Roger are, exploring the animal enclosures) Roger Radcliffe: (while holding a cotton candy) I can't believe they gave us the whole day off from school to come to the zoo! (runs to the monkey enclosure) Check out all the monkeys! It's a monkey jamboree! Ape festival. A cornucopia of simians! Ophelia Ramírez: Hello? Wake up the smell the persecution, Roger. Zoos are just prisons filled with animals who were simply minding their own business until they were captured and jailed for society's amusement. (gestures Dennis throwing a peanut at a zebra) Jody Irwin: That is so not true. Zoos provide a safe environment where defenseless creatures can nap, or eat, or take a bath without all that stress of getting eaten by something with bigger teeth. (gestures a lion next to a wild pig) You know, kind of like a spa for the animal kingdom. Camel 1: (in British accent; sarcastically) Oh, yeah, a real spa this is. (to another camel) What time's your pedicure, Nigel? Nigel: (in same accent) I'll have to check my schedule, but I believe it's right after my hump exfoliation. Camel 1: Ooh, sounds lovely! Maybe we should meet for a smoothie after my Pilates class. Nigel: (laughs) Pilates class. Oh, good one. (They see Juniper staring at them) Nigel: What's she looking at, then? (to Juniper) Have you got a problem, missy? Juniper Lee: Um... maybe? Camel 1: (gasps) She can hear us! (to Juniper) Can you hear us?! Juniper Lee: Yeah. Camels: GET US OUT OF HERE!!! (Juniper looks in shock. Cue the theme song) Act 1 Juniper Knows the Truth About the Zoo Animals (The scene opens up at the zoo with Juniper and the camels) Camel 1: Please, poppet! We're desperate! You've got to help us! Camels: PLEASE!!! (they spit at Juniper) Juniper Lee: Okay, okay! Take it down a notch, will ya? (wipes off the saliva) Ugh, I'm getting soaked here. Camel 1: Oh, sorry. One of the occupational hazards of the being a spitting camel. Back in our old bodies, we never used to spit, did we? Juniper Lee: Wait, wait. What do you mean, "old bodies"? Camel 1: The ones we had before, you know, the change. Nigel: Yes, I mean, one minute we're just a couple of [Unsure for words 02:52] demons, walking through the desert, minding our own business, thank you very much. Camel 1: And the next minute, we wake up here, as camels! Juniper Lee: That's why I can hear you. You're not just animals, you're magical creatures. Camel 1: All of us here are! The zookeeper did it to hide us from the rest of the magical world. Nigel: Oh, we're talking major mojo, love. Juniper Lee: Don't worry, okay? I'll get to the bottom of this, and... Ophelia Ramírez: (comes into the scene) Okay, hello? Seriously? Who are you supposed to be, Doctor Dolittle chatting with a couple of camels? Jody Irwin: I think it's cute. Besides, it makes animals feel good when you treat them like people. You know, like how plants grow when you talk to them or sing songs? Nigel: Oh, for the love of... She's not actually going to sing, is she? Jody Irwin: (to the camels) Hello, boy! How are you today? I think I'll call you Nathaniel. Camel 1: I'm not Nathaniel! For your information, the name is Clive. I mean, do I look like a Nathaniel?! Mannequins. Dennis Lee: (to the camels) Yo, ugly! One hump or two? Ha, ha, ha! (Clive spits him in the face and looks away nonchalantly. Juniper gives him a thumbs up and runs to the warthog enclosure) Warthog 1 : (in German accent) You must free us! Mach schnell! Warthog 2: (in Australian accent) Don't just stand there, mate! The walls are closing in around me! (Juniper runs to the orangutan enclosure) Orangutan 1: (in French accent) Oh, please, mademoiselle, call my lawyer! Orangutan 2: (in same accent) You must give word to my people. I'm begging you here! (Juniper runs to the penguin exhibit where she presses a button to listen to the penguins, who are panicking noisily for help) Juniper Lee: Whoa! Everybody, just chill! Penguin: (offendedly) "Chill"?! Is that supposed to be funny?! Juniper Lee: Sorry! Uh, give me a couple of hours. I'll be back to spring you as soon as I can. (The penguins continue panicking noisily as Juniper walks away) Penguin 2: I can't feel my face! Juniper Transformed Into a Lemur (The scene fades to the zoo at night time where Juniper, in ninja clothing, jumps backwards to a bush, then jumps to a garbage can, then hides behind another one, then behind a tree. She then rolls and hides behind an animal direction sign, jumps to the ground and rolls to one animal enclosure, but is surprised to find the animals not in their enclosures. She looks around when she sees orange sparking coming from the ground. She breaks the vent as the camera pans to an underground base where the animals are locked up. Juniper jumps down the base) Orangutan 1: (gasps) The Te Xuan Ze is here! Orangutan 2: I told you she would come! Nigel: We saw her first! Clive: Juniper, love, this way! (The animals murmur excitedly and loudly) Juniper Lee: Shh! Quiet down! Shh! Guys, quiet down, okay? I'm going to get to everybody. Just relax. (goes to Clive and Nigel's cage and tries to break down their door with her super strength, to no avail) Zookeeper: Your powers won't work in here, Te Xuan Ze. (steps out of the shadows) There's a magical shield over the entire zoo. Juniper Lee: Let me guess, you're the zookeeper, right? Zookeeper: No, I'm a creepy old guy who lives with flea ridden animals and likes the smell of dung. (Pause. Juniper gives him a look.) OF COURSE I'm the zookeeper! Heh, heh. And you're trespassing. Juniper Lee: Yeah, well, don't sweat it, you old coot. I'll be out of your hair in a minute. And I'm taking your little menagerie with me. Zookeeper: I beg to differ. (He uses his staff to blast Juniper and the blast fills the entire screen. Cut to Juniper's POV as she wakes up in a cage) Juniper Lee: Oh, no. Giraffe: (in Spanish accent) You're Juniper Lee, no? The one everyone's talking about. Juniper Lee: (tries to get up; groggily) Yeah. (falls down) Whoa! Giraffe: Careful, little one. Go it slowly. Trust me, it takes some time getting used to... Juniper Lee: Getting used to what? What happened? Oh, man, my head's killing me. (walks over to a water bowl) Maybe I just need to drink some water and... (shows her reflection and finds she's been turned into a ring-tailed lemur) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! (examines her body and her paws) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! I'M A MONKEY! THAT GROSS GEEZER TURNED ME INTO A MONKEY! Giraffe: Uh, actually, you're a lemur. Juniper Lee: Whatever! I'm all hairy and nasty, and I have a wet nose! (scratches her body) Oh, man! And I've got FLEAS! (picks a flea out of her fur and flicks it away) Giraffe: Take it from me, chica. Don't scratch. It only makes things worse. Juniper Lee: OH YEAH?! You wanna tell me how things could get any worse?! (kicks the water bowl as water gets out of the bowl) Go ahead! GIMME YOUR BEST SHOT 'CAUSE FRANKLY, I DON'T THINK IT'S POSSIBLE! (jumps and continues screaming) Nigel: Paco, not taking it well, is she? Paco: I think she's doing quite fine, actually. (An alarm sound blares as the animals react in panic and a bear, a turtle and an elephant all hide their faces) Juniper Lee: Huh? Uh, what's going on? Paco: Feeding time. Juniper Lee: Feeding time? No thank you! The last thing I wanna do right now is choke down zoo food. Paco: Not our feeding time. The zookeeper's. Juniper Lee: Okay, you lost me. (The zookeeper appears and uses his staff to absorb magical energy from all of the animals, including Juniper, into his body) Juniper Lee: So that's why. You're holding us here to drain our magical energy. Zookeeper: How do you think I stay so young? Juniper Lee: I hate to break this to you, gramps, but it's not working. Zookeeper: Huh? Who you calling gramps?! (snaps his fingers and reveals he's actually a female demon in disguise, to Juniper's shock) Gigi: (in Russian accent) The name is Gigi. Not bad for 300 years old, don't you think? Juniper Lee: Then what was with the old guy getup? Gigi: Oh, I need to keep a low profile, darling. I've got more ex-husbands than Snow White has dwarfs. Juniper Lee: Oh, gee. Sounds like a sad story, but it'll be even sadder when I go all crazy monkey on your butt! Gigi: Ah-ah. Mmm-mm-mmm. I hate to nitpick, darling, but you're a lemur. And while still a member of the primate family, not a monkey. Juniper Lee: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. I'm still gonna whip your tush when I get outta here! Gigi: (laughs) Love the optimism, but let's be very clear about something, huh? You're never getting out of here. Ever. Now, this has all been quite amusing, but I've got shopping to do. There's a new outlet mall a few miles from here, and it's calling my name. So behave, have a good time, the emergency numbers are on the fridge. I'm kidding, there's no fridge, no numbers, you can't call nobody, you are trapped! Ciao! (leaves, but comes back in) AND STOP PLAYING THAT HARMONICA!!! (A koala stops playing his harmonica and puts it on his pouch) A Plan to Save Juniper (Cut to Ray Ray and Monroe in Juniper's room in the Lee residence. Ray Rays tries to pick up, but no answer) Ray Ray Lee: She's not picking up her cell. Monroe: Oh, for pity's sake, how long does it take to free some vermin-infested zoo animals? Ray Ray Lee: Pfft. Dude, you're one to talk. Last summer, we could've charged tickets for that flea circus you were carrying around. (Barbara enters the room) Barbara Lee: Ray Ray, have you seen your sister? Ray Ray Lee: Uh, she's taking a shower. Barbara Lee: No, she's not. Ray Ray Lee: Uh, at Jody's! Yeah, yeah, she's showering at Jody's. Barbara Lee: (suspiciously) Now, why would she be taking a shower at Jody's? Ray Ray Lee: Uh, better water pressure. Yep! Oh, yeah! Have you ever showered at Jody's? Oh, mom, phenomenal water pressure. You're never gonna wanna shower any... Barbara Lee: Ray Ray Lee! How many times do I have to tell you? I will not tolerate lying in this-- (gets frozen by Monroe with a crystal) Ray Ray Lee: (gasps; to Monroe) You froze my mom! Monroe: Aye. Monroe: You turned her into a momsicile! I can't believe you, man! How could you not tell me you could do that? Seriously, dude, do you know how many times that would've saved my butt?! Monroe: Let me just say that while I always love a conversation about your posterior, we don't have the time. I must find June. Ray Ray Lee: Then let's motor. Monroe: No, you need to stay put and make sure your mother doesn't defrost. Ray Ray Lee: No way! I am outta here! If you think I'm gonna waste a perfectly good frozen mom, you've got another thing... (Monroe uses the crystal on Ray Ray, seemingly freezing him, and runs off. After a short pause, Ray Ray smiles and moves) Ray Ray Lee: Psych! (laughs and runs after Monroe) (Cut back to the zoo where the animal inmates are in a cafeteria in the back of the zoo near a cliff as a lunch monster serves the animals gruel and everyone eats) Juniper Lee: You don't think I could get a vegetarian plate, do ya? (A hoof slams on the table, causing her gruel to spill all over the animal inmates and she faces three wild boars) T-Bone: The name's T-Bone, and in this joint, I call the shots. You may be top dog on the outside, missy, but in here, you're just the bottom... uh.... bottom... Slim: Lemur. She's a lemur. T-Bone: Lemur! You're a lemur! (snorts) So let me give a little piece of advice. Watch your step, 'CAUSE THIS ZOO IS MI-- (Juniper slams a food tray into T-Bone's face, knocking him out) Juniper Lee: ANYBODY ELSE WANT SOME OF THIS?! Huh, huh?! DO YA?! (leans over the two boars) Bring it on, hairballs! (the two wild boars run away) Orangutan 1: Magnifique! Orangutan 2: Very impressive. Small of body, but strong of heart! Warthog 2: Whatever you need, June, we got your back. Juniper Lee: Oh, yeah? (starts scratching again) Well, then how 'bout doing something about these fleas? They're killing me. (the two orangutans start picking the fleas out of her fur and eating them) Lower. Lower! Yeah, a little to the right. Yeah, that's it. That's it. Get 'em! There's like a condominium of them right there! Breaking Into the Zoo (Cut to the zoo entrance where Monroe is when a silhouetted shadow runs by and he hears rustling nearby) Monroe: (sighs) All right, you can come out now. Ray Ray Lee: (pops out behind a tree while holding a cup) Ha ha! Yeah, surprised to see me, aren't you? (sniffs) I guess your little freezy thing didn't work on me, huh? Must've been blocked by my magical mojo. Monroe: Next time, I'll have to set it on high. With any luck you won't thaw until I'm retired. Ray Ray Lee: Hey, how'd you know I was trackin' you dude? 'Cuz I was makin' with the whole ninja-following thing.... Monroe: Well, your stealthiness, it's hard to pin-point the exact security breach, it could have been when you ran into that trash can, stopped to order a chocolate shake at the McBurger Queen drive-thru or started making that ridiculous noise you with your straw! Ray Ray Lee: What, this? (makes said noise with the straw) I thought it sounded like a owl. Monroe: Yes, uncanny. It's like being on African safari. Now, can we get on with this? Ray Ray Lee: Roger that. Commencing Operation: Save June's Butt. (grabs a crossbow and shoots a grappling hook at the entrance. He then struggles to climb up the rope) Monroe: (enters under the gate and opens it; to Ray Ray) You know, it's just a thought, but this might be an easier way in. Ray Ray Lee: Yeah, thanks, dude, but I've got my own methods, ya dig? (continues struggling to climb up until he breaks an offscreen security alarm and falls down) Okay, let's try it your way. (Cut to the animal inmates working out in a gym while Juniper talks to three animal inmates) Juniper Lee: So, uh, I hear you're looking for some protection? Ocelot: Those wild boars, T-Bone and Slim -- MANIACS! Last week, they trussed up Danny here like a Thanksgiving turkey and dangled him over the polar bear pit for an hour. (Danny cringes) Juniper Lee: Yeah, well, sounds rough, but, I got a pretty full load. Ocelot: I can sweeten the deal. I know a guy who knows a guy who can get you a nice Belgian waffle. Juniper Lee: Straberries and whipped cream? Ocelot: Loaded. Juniper Lee: Deal. (sees a rope dropped by Ray Ray and Monroe) Monroe! Ray Ray! Monroe: Grab hold, darling! (Juniper climbs up the rope to Ray Ray and Monroe) Juniper Lee: Oh, man! It's about time you guys got here. Monroe: Sweet Mary McGonagall! Somebody needs a waxing appointment. Ray Ray Lee: Whoa! You are one ugly monkey. Ha, ha, ha! Juniper Lee: Helloo-oo, I'm a lemur, tree-dwelling prosimian from Madagascar! Big difference. Ray Ray Lee: Oh. Dude, do you have a pouch? Juniper Lee: Ew! No! (pause) Hey, how'd you get past Mom this late at night? (Cut back to the still-frozen Barbara in Juniper's room where Michael comes in) Michael Lee: Hey, hon, what do you think, the red tie, or the blue tie for that meeting tomorrow? (He chooses between the ties) You're right, red is power. Thanks, babe. You're the best. (walks away) (Cut back to Juniper and Ray Ray with Monroe pushing a sphere) Monore: The Sphere of Bokur is the most powerful vanquishing artifact we've got. It should break the magic shield and return you to normal. If it doesn't work, well, let's just say you better get used to that monkey suit. (Juniper touches the sphere, which turns her back to a human) Juniper Lee: I'm me again! Ray Ray Lee: Uh, yeah, except for the tail. Juniper Lee: What?! No! No, no, no, no, no! I can't still have a tail! (checks her backside) (Ray Ray starts laughing) Juniper Lee: Ray Ray! Ray Ray Lee: Sorry, my bad. I thought I saw one. Gigi: Well, looks like somebody got a makeover. And in this zoo, my dear Te Xuan Ze, there is only room for one girl at the cosmetics counter. (zaps T-Bone and the wild boars to their Biped Demon selves) Rip them to shreds! Leave nothing behind! Defeating Gigi (The Biped Demons start climbing up the cliff towards Juniper) Juniper Lee: I'll take care of Gigi and her mutants, you guys go help the other animals bust out of this joint. (Ray Ray and Monroe run towards the zoo) Ray Ray Lee: Woohoo, prison break! They'll never take us alive! Monroe: Why do you always say that? I prefer to be taken alive. (T-Bone leaps over, but Juniper punches him. Gigi appears and uses her staff to zap her, but Juniper misses. Ray Ray and Monroe are at the underground base, releasing the animals from their cages. T-Bone and a biped demon run towards Juniper, but jumps up and they bump into each other.) T-Bone: I really hate that kid. Biped Demon 3: Ditto. (Ray Ray and Monroe and the animals search for the exit while Juniper fights T-Bone. T-Bone tries to grab her, but she grabs him, spins him and throws him at the bars) Ray Ray Lee: Ladies and gentlemen, please proceed to the exit in an orderly fashion... AS FAST AS YOU CAN! MOVE YOUR FURRY BUTTS! GO, GO, GO!!! (The animals exit the zoo with the magical shield turning the animals back to their monster forms. Gigi tries blasting Juniper with her staff, but misses as she starts to lose the magical energy from the monster-turned animals and her beauty. Clive and Nigel exit the zoo.) Nigel: Clive, we're back to our old selves! Clive: And looking fantastic! Nigel: Oh, none too soon, I can tell you. That hump made me look fat, didn't it? Clive: Oh, but you carried it so well, honestly. Not many could, darling. Gigi: No! My power! My beauty! What's happening?! (turns into a small gremlin-like demon) Juniper Lee: Sorry, Gigi. Guess your little fountain of youth here is all dried up. Gigi: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! (turns smaller) I will not stand for this! Do you understand?! You are not through with Gigi yet! Juniper Lee: You know, for the first time tonight, I actually agree with you. You soul-sucking freak. (leaves) (Scene transitions to LeGrosi Zoo for Magical Beings where monster kids look at Gigi in her cage) Monster Kid 1: Oh, dude, that is the ugliest sucker in the whole zoo. Monster Kid 2: And look at it, it's so disgusting. What do you think it its, a lemur or something? Monster Kid 1: Nah, it's just an ugly monkey. (Gigi chatters and starts scratching her body) Epilogue: Back in Juniper's Room (Monroe unfreezes Barbara with the crystal) Barbara Lee: I will not tolerate lying in this house! Do you hear me? (sees Juniper, confused) June? Wh-where did you come from? A minute ago, you weren't, but... All right, I don't know what you two are up to, but we are not leaving this room until I get to the bottom of it. Now, some-- (gets frozen again) Juniper Lee: Monroe! Monroe: He grabbed it from me. (points to Ray Ray, who is holding the crystal, as he chuckles) (Episode ends) Picture Day [2.4] (Cut to her and Barbara in the hallway) Juniper Lee: I can't have it, Mom, I can't have it! Not on picture day! Barbara Lee: It's okay. (they talk over each other) Just take care of it. Stay calm. Stop talking. Stop talking. Stop talking! (Cut to the bathroom where Barbara hides the pimple with the foundation) Barbara Lee: Done. Juniper Lee: (examines her face in a hand mirror) Ohh... My hair's too straight and I have a flat nose. Barbara Lee: You are so pretty! You're unique, there's nobody else like you in the world! Juniper Lee: Yeah. Lucky for the world. (Screen-wipe transition to the front door as Juniper leaves for school, followed by Ray Ray, but Barbara stops him) Barbara Lee: (sternly) Uh-uh-uh-uh! You, empty it. (Ray Ray empties his backpack full of comedy props) Barbara Lee: Pockets! (He empties his pockets with more props. He spits out his Groucho glasses and gives it to her as he walks out grumpily.) Picture Day (Cut to the school where all the students, including Juniper, Jody, Ophelia and Roger are in line for their school picture while Jody is flossing and Ophelia drinks iced tea) Jody Irwin: Ophelia, you shouldn't drink iced tea. It'll stain your teeth! Ophelia Ramírez: Yeah, exactly. Juniper Lee: But don't you wanna look nice for your parents? Ophelia Ramírez: If I did, would I do this to my hair? Oh, by the way Jody, you got spinach in your teeth. Jody Irwin: Impossible! I avoided it for months! (runs away holding hand over teeth) Juniper Lee: Too cruel Ophelia. Ophelia Ramírez: So? I'm ruining picture day. It's just companies preying on parental vanity to schnooker them into buying a million eight-by-tens and wallet-sizes.... Capitalism! Bleugh. What would our forefathers say if they saw us today? (Ray Ray, in a Abraham Lincoln costume, gets dragged by the gym teacher) Ray Ray Lee: Give me liberty or give me death! Gym Teacher: Not another word. Ray Ray Lee: Come on, at least I went for a historical look! I could have worn a gorilla suit. I was trying to work with ya! (Cut to a photographer in a classroom, setting up her camera) Photographer: Just a teeny bit longer until I'm ready for all you beautiful-- (The Demoness and her hench-demon appears as she zaps the photographer unconscious and zaps her hench-demon to disguise him as the photographer) Hench-Demon: Why do I gotta be the photographer? Demoness: Henchman, demoness. See you back in the Underworld. (disappears) Gym Teacher: You ready, Francis? Hench-Demon: Ahem. (high-pitched voice) You betcha! (Roger comes in for his school photo) Hench-Demon: Take off your hat, dearie. Roger Radcliffe: Uh, my lid is kind of my signature. Gym Teacher: She said lose it, Chester. (Roger has a pained look and takes his hat off, revealing an afro) Hench-Demon: Alright, put it back on. Roger Radcliffe: I can't without help. (Cut back to Juniper and Ophelia as Jody comes back with clean teeth) Ophelia Ramírez: Still there. Jody Irwin: Aaaahh! (brushes her teeth) (Roger bumps into the waiting line Ophelia's iced tea is spilled on Juniper, her pimple shows up again from under the foundation) Juniper Lee: Ugh... Oh no... My pimple! Jody Irwin: Don't worry! I got your back. (Jody reveals her make-up case and tries to cover up Juniper's pimple) You're not exactly my color. (shows Juniper's face with her foundation mirror with her face looking pale) Ophelia Ramírez: (brightly) I like it! It's very "Night of the Living Dead". Gym Teacher: Back in line, girls. Juniper Lee: Oh, please, please, I can't take a picture like this! Gym Teacher: Then, you can do retakes with honest Abe. (points at Ray Ray) Juniper Lee: (walks to Ray Ray) Why Lincoln? Ray Ray Lee: It's just my cover, I had backup. (pulls up his shirt to reveal a painted face) Woot, woot! (chuckles) (Cut to the Underworld where the Demoness and her hench-demon are searching through the photos for Juniper's photo) Demoness: Where is she?! Hench-Demon: Uh, is this her? (shows her a picture of a boy sticking his tongue out) Demoness: Does that look like a short Asian girl to you? Hench-Demon: Yeah, the hair's wrong. Demoness: I give you one job, take a picture of Juniper Lee, and you bumble it! Hench-Demon: I was nervous. But you gotta admit, for a first timer, these are pretty good, huh? Look at this angle. I went in with the macro lens, see, I zoomed right into the eyes like a National Geographic guy. (shows her a picture of Jody) (The Demoness smirks, then we fade to a darkroom in her lair where the hench-demon works a machine and the demoness dips three photos of Jody, Ophelia and Roger in the water, which makes three clones of them, complete with green glowing eyes) Demoness: (laughing) It looks as if my plan is... developing (laughs again with her hench-demon, but the clones stay silent) Get it? Pictures, developing? (the Jody and Roger clones shrug at each other) Ugh, evil clones, no sense of humor. The Clones Kidnap Juniper (The real Jody waits on the street when the clones of her, Ophelia and Roger hide behind a tree) Jody Irwin clone: Oooh, cute outfit! Roger Radcliffe clone: You gotta get the real you outta there. Ophelia Ramírez clone: I'm on it. (walks over to the real Jody) Jody Irwin: Hi, Ophelia. Ophelia Ramírez clone: Hey, Jody. Oh, you have some spinach in your teeth. Jody Irwin: Again?! Why does this keep happening to me?! (runs away) (The Jody and Roger clones come out of the tree and they see Juniper approaching them) Jody Irwin clone: How are we gonna lure June back to the evil lair? Roger Radcliffe clone: Leave it to the Roge clone. Juniper Lee: Hey, guys. Roger Radcliffe clone: June, ya hear? School's cancelled. Uh... snowstorm! Ophelia Ramírez clone: (punches the Roger clone by the arm) Uh, actually, my mom said she'd drive us. Come on. (they turn to leave) Juniper Lee: Oh, uh, cool. But, uh, shouldn't we wait for Ray Ray? (The clones stop) Ophelia Ramírez clone: Which one's Ray Ray? Roger Radcliffe clone: Is that the dog? (Juniper looks at them, surprised, then suspicious) Jody Irwin clone: Ugh, forget this! (zaps Juniper unconscious as we fade to black) Morning, sleepyhead! (Juniper wakes up in a cage in the Demoness' lair in the Underworld) Juniper Lee: Oh... where am I? Roger Radcliffe clone: Evil lair in the Underworld. This place rocks! Juniper Lee: (stands up) Guys, we've gotta get out of here! You don't understand! Demoness: Oh, I think they understand perfectly. (The clones walk to the demoness) Juniper Lee: What did you do to my friends?! Demoness: I made some more. They're perfect likenesses, don't you think? Juniper Lee: Clones? So you're creating some wicked army of evil children to do your bidding? Demoness: No... but that's a pretty good idea. (to her hench-demon) Get that down. Hench-Demon: (writing on his notepad) Okay, "army of evil kiddos". Got it. Juniper Lee: You can't keep me here! You let me go now or my dog and brother are gonna see I'm missing... Demoness: Missing? You're not missing. Why, you're right here. (holds up a photo of Juniper and dips it in the water, in which the machine makes a clone of her, complete with green glowing eyes) Juniper Lee: Oh, boy. Demoness: Yes, look at me with my very own magically enhanced homosapien. They're so hard to find and just the ticket to release Kordoth from banishment. I just love being evil! (leaves with her hench-demon and the Juniper clone) Juniper Lee: Oh, man, my hair looks worse from the back than I thought. The Juniper Clone in the House (Cut to the Lee residence where Ray Ray is watching a Boomfist show in the basement and the Juniper clone enters) Juniper Lee clone: Hiya, Ray Ray, how you doing today? Ray Ray Lee: How am I doing today? I guess I'm, uh, doing fine. Juniper Lee clone: You have a good day? Learn something new? Meet some new friends? Ray Ray Lee: What's the matter with you? Juniper Lee clone: Oh, just being normal ol' me. Hang ten, brotha! (walks out as Ray Ray looks skeptically at her. She comes into the real Juniper's room with Monroe reading a magic book) Hiya, Monroe. Monroe: Eh... Juniper Lee clone: Hey, could you give me a magic lesson? Monroe: Are you making fun of me? Juniper Lee clone: Oh, no, no, no, no. There's so much I don't know, and you're such a wealth of knowledge. Monroe: I am a wealth of knowledge. So glad to see you finally taking notice. Where would you like to start? Juniper Lee clone: Well, I heard about this guy, Kordoth the... Monroe: Aye, Kordoth the Conqueror! Capital subject! Fetch me my "Encyclopedias of Magic" volumes 1 through 4. We are going to have some fun today! Ha ha! (The Juniper clone leaves as Ray Ray comes in) Ray Ray Lee: Dude, there's something wrong with June Monroe: If by wrong, you mean her can-do attitude, then you can color me wrong, too, mister! Ha ha! (Cut back to the Demoness' lair where the Jody clone is cleaning and the Ophelia clone is looking through the Demoness' record collection) Jody Irwin clone: Eww! There's a lair of filth underneath the lair of dust! Ophelia Ramírez clone: And her record collection bites. (takes out a record) It's all, like, folk music on vinyl! Hey, wait a minute. Norwegian Death Metal. (The Roger clone goes through the Demoness' potions, opens one and the potion grows him a beard) Roger Radcliffe clone: Awesome! You want some of this? (The Jody and Ophelia clones stare at him and go back to their businesses as the Roger clone closes the potion and his hat flies off, revealing his afro) Juniper Lee: That is so weird. You guys are just like my friends. Ophelia Ramírez clone: Okay, hello, we're their clones. Juniper Lee: Well, then, maybe you could let me out? 'Cause that's what friends do, right? They help each other out? Roger Radcliffe clone: Sorry, nope, we're also evil. And everybody knows that evil beats friendship. (opens another potion and it gives him demon ears but removes the beard) Oh, yeah! That's what I'm talking about! (Juniper glares at them and we cut back to the Juniper clone and Monroe in the real Juniper's room) Monroe: The Scepter of Amaron was ripped from Naranda and Kordoth's been banished ever since. Juniper Lee clone: Wow, you really have a way of words. Monroe: I took a course. Juniper Lee clone: So, let's say you, um, hypothetically, you wanted to, uh, unbanish Kordoth. Monroe: Well, since he was banished by humans with magic powers, he'd have to be unbanished by the same folk, saying someone like yourself, and I reckon you need an altar plus some Stone of Garfook to kick the whole thing off. Juniper Lee clone: Stone of Garfook, huh? Where can I get one of those? Monroe: You have, at least, three in your sock drawer. (Ray Ray walks in, humming casually while finding a way to expose the Juniper clone.) Ray Ray Lee: (knocks over a jar) Oops! (the jar breaks, spilling white goo) Monroe: What in the blazes?! (The white goo transforms into a snow monster as it breathes ice at them, but they jump out of the way and ice breath freezes the real Juniper's bed) Monroe: Grab the fire dust, lass! (The Juniper clone searches through the real Juniper's shelf, grabs a green bottle and throws it at the snow monster, but the potion gives him a beard) Monroe: No, the blue bottle! The blue one! (The Juniper clone grabs the blue bottle, throws it at the snow monster and the fire dust made the snow monster's fur fall out as it retreats and runs out through the balcony with the Juniper clone in pursuit) Ray Ray Lee: Dude, did you see that? June had no idea what potion was what, and her bracelet didn't even go off. Monroe: Her bracelet's been running off the same battery for 900 years. It was bound to run out. Ray Ray Lee: Nah, I'm telling you, something's totally wrong with her. (Monroe looks at him) (Cut back to the Demoness' lair with the Roger clone collecting more of the Demoness' potions, the Ophelia clone listening to music and the Jody clone finishing cleaning) Jody Irwin clone: Well, it's a start. (Juniper's bracelet starts glowing) Roger Radcliffe clone: What's that? Juniper Lee: Oh uh, there's an imbalance in the world of magic and humanity. (the Jody and Roger clones look at her) W-What? You guys don't know about this? Jody Irwin clone: If you didn't tell your friends, how can we know? Juniper Lee: I'm the Te Xuan Ze, I fight monsters and dorks like your boss from taking over the world. Jody Irwin clone: Egh, sounds sweaty. Roger Radcliffe clone: So, you have superpowers? Juniper Lee: Oh, a couple. Roger Radcliffe clone: No way! June, June, fly around the room! Or, no, no, no. Fly and shoot lasers out your eyes! Can you travel back in time? Juniper Lee: Well, I can't do anything from in here. Roger Radcliffe clone: Oh, right. (he rolls a ladder and unlocks the cage to let her out) Juniper Lee: Thanks! (grabs her backpack and runs off) Jody Irwin clone: Nice one, Roge. Ophelia Ramírez clone: What just happened? (Cut back to the real Juniper's room where the Juniper clone investigates the Stone of Garfook with Ray Ray looking at her suspiciously as the phone rings and he picks up) Ray Ray Lee: Lee residence, Ray Ray Lee speaking. (Juniper observes the Demoness summoning pillars at a summoning site while calling Ray Ray) Juniper Lee: Ray Ray, it's me. Is there an evil clone in the house? Ray Ray Lee: June! (the Juniper clone looks at him) Uh, I love the shirt. Looks great. Stay classy. (she goes back to investigating; on the phone) I knew you were being too nice to me. Juniper Lee: I got a demon raising something big and ugly and I'm completely unarmed. I need banishment stones, scepters, amulets, tell Monroe to go to the... Ray Ray Lee: Uh-huh, okay, yeah. Juniper Lee: And do not let my clone leave the house Ray Ray Lee: Got it. (hangs up; to the Juniper clone) Hey, June, wanna play some video games? Juniper Lee clone: No thanks. Ray Ray Lee: How about, uh, b-ball? Basketball, soccer, volleyball, ping pong, horseback riding, synchronized swimming. Juniper Lee clone: Nah, I'm busy. Ray Ray Lee: (sobbing) Oh, please! We never spend any time together! We all know I'm on the wrong road! I need guidance, a role model! You gotta set me right! (grabs the Juniper clone by the leg) Juniper Lee clone: Ray Ray, back off! Ray Ray Lee: Not so fast, evil dark spawn of the Underworld June clone lady! You're not going anywhere. (The Juniper clone kicks Ray Ray off her leg and she starts to walk off) Monroe: Lass, hello! Fancy another magic lesson? Juniper Lee clone: Sorry, I'm evil. Ask Ray Ray. (leaves) (Cut to the summoning site in the Underworld where the real Juniper hides behind a rock) Juniper Lee: Where are they? Demoness: Right behind you. (The Demoness summons a fiery blast of green energy from her hand and shoots it at her, but Juniper rolls out of the way, then she kicks the hench-demon down. The Demoness blasts Juniper, but she jumps out of the way, jumps to the Demoness and sweep kicks her to the ground. As Juniper is about to face the Demoness, her clone jumps in front of her) Juniper Lee clone: Why don't you pick on somebody your own size? (The two Junipers face off against each other) Hench-Demon: This is gonna be good. (takes out his camera and takes a picture) Defeating the Juniper Clone (The Junipers face off against each other. The Juniper clone runs, jumps over the real Juniper and places the Stone of Garfook at the center of the summoning site, beginning the unbanishment) Demones: The enchantment has begun! Juniper Lee: Not cool. (The Junipers charge towards each other and begin fighting, dodging each other's punches and kicks) Hench-Demon: Awesome! (He starts taking pictures of the Junipers' fight as the unbanisment is still in progress with the Demoness cackling. The Juniper clone hops away, takes out the Amulet of Gundar and blasts the real Juniper with it) Juniper Lee: Where'd you get that? Juniper Lee clone: Your room. Juniper Lee: You took stuff from my room?! Juniper Lee clone: And I'm wearing your new earings. (The real Juniper charges at her clone and tackles her to a pillar) Monroe: Hold it right there! (looks between the Junipers while holding a banishment stone) Ray Ray Lee: Go on, man, banish her! Monroe: Which one? Ray Ray Lee Give me that! (grabs the banishment stone) I can tell. (holds the banishment stone between the Junipers, but couldn't tell apart either) Monroe: You were saying? (The Junipers continue fighting) Juniper Lee #1: Ray Ray, I'm the real one! Juniper Lee #2: No, you're not! Shut up! Ray Ray Lee: Hold on, I got it! What's your middle name? Both Juniper Lees: Kim! How'd you know that?! (They continue fighting at the unbanishment is almost done) Juniper Lee #1: Ray Ray, we don't have time! Shoot her, you idiot! (Ray Ray once again holds the banishment stone but is still confused on which the real Juniper is) Juniper Lee #2: It's okay, Ray Ray! You can do it! You can do anything you set your mind to! (Ray Ray, realizes who the real Juniper is, banishes the clone) Juniper Lee: How'd you know? Ray Ray Lee: Please! Like you'd ever say anything like that. Plus, I can see your zit. (Juniper sees the pimple and hides it) Demoness: You're too late, Juniper Lee! Behold the mighty wrath of Kordoth the Conqueror! (With the unbanisment complete, a huge explosion hits and Kordoth appears) Demoness: Daddy? Kordoth: (roars) Hello, muffin. (eats a pastry as the camera zooms out to reveal his obese state) Demoness: Oh, daddy, what happened to you? Kordoth: Oh, there's so little to do when you're banished. I guess I let myself go. These pastries are just so good. Ray Ray Lee: (holds up the banishment stone) Alright, everybody, hands in the air! (Demoness and the hench-demon lift their hands up) Kordoth: Ugh! My armor's too tight! Just relaxin' the back if you insist. Juniper Lee: It's okay. (Kordoth eats the last of the pastry) Demoness: Daddy! Kordoth: Sorry. (Cut back to the Lee residence where Juniper covers her pimple) Monroe: Not exactly regulation use of a vanishing spell. Juniper Lee: Well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. (Ray Ray comes in in formal clothes; chuckles) Nice outfit. Ray Ray Lee: Man, I look like I'm going to court. Mom says I should get used to the look. Stupid picture retakes. (Cut to the school for picture retakes with Ray Ray being the first. The photographer takes the pictures as if he is a detainee at a police station. Juniper is next to take her retake photo, when Ray Ray suddenly jumps in with his antlers and buckteeth outfit and the photo is captured with Juniper surprised and both of them laughing.) Ray Ray Lee: Oh, yeah! Epilogue: Ophelia Sees Her Clone (Juniper and Ray Ray are shown playing video games in the basement) Monroe: Whatever happened to those clones of your friends? Juniper Lee: Uh... oops. (Cut to the mall with Ophelia listening to music as she stops at the music store entrance when she sees her clone walk out while listening to music) Ophelia Ramírez: (looks at her clone) Poser. (enters the music store) (Episode ends) Star Quality [2.5] Monroe: Don't worry, lass, other than being locked in a cage and suspended above a flaming pit of lava we're good! Ray Ray Lee: June, you've got to get us out of here I have a conference call in 20 minutes and there's no cell phone reception here! There's No Mitzvah Like Snow Mitzvah [2.6] Juniper Lee: Uh-oh, Jody's sister Rachel is getting Bat Mitzvah this Saturday. Ophelia Ramírez: (pointing to something off screen) Oh man, Jody's mother always plans parties the way King Kong visits New York. Juniper Lee: Oh, come on, it might be fun! (Juniper opens a card that reads "You're Invited" on the front. To Juniper and Ophelia's surprise, a drawing of Rachel appears with green fireworks and vintage music.) Ophelia Ramírez: I'm sorry, you were saying?(Juniper silently watches the fireworks from the card. Cue the theme song.)Juniper Lee: No offense, Jody, but every time we come to one of your family things, your mom makes us work. Jody Irwin: That is so not true. Ophelia Ramírez: Oh, yeah? Well, what about your bother's last birthday party?(A flashback of Jody's brother's previous birthday party shows June, Ophelia and Roger dressed as the Three Bears to entertain kids)Juniper Lee: Somebody's been eating my porridge. Ophelia Ramírez: Somebody's been eating my porridge. Roger Radcliffe: Somebody's been eating my porridge, and they ate it-- (An ice cream cone gets thrown at his face) All right, McIntyre, you wanna piece of this?! You want some?! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! (Proceeds to beat him offscreen)(The flashback ends)Jody Irwin: No, no, no. It's not gonna be like that. (June, Ophelia and Roger give her a look) Okay, it's gonna be exactly like that. Except this time, she wants The Wizard of Oz. Roger Radcliffe: No way! I am not playing Dorothy again! Ophelia Ramírez: Come on, Roge, admit it. You love those red shoes. Roger Radcliffe: Did not! (Beat) Okay, maybe a little. Having a sense of fashion isn't a crime, you know. Juniper Lee: What is that? Ophelia Ramírez: That is a Cowardly Lion made of chopped liver. Juniper Lee: Ew. Ophelia Ramírez: Yeah, classy. It's like a royal wedding in here, isn't it? Bada Bing Bada Boomfist [2.7] Boomfist: Remember kids, when there is trouble always, use your fist. Ray Ray Lee: Always use your fist! Juniper Lee: What? That's a horrible message for kids. Boomfist: What's with the dog? I hate dogs. Juniper Lee: Ray Ray, what is this? Ray Ray Lee: I told you, Boomfist is the only one who can beat Wrongness. Juniper Lee: We have a potion. Ray Ray Lee: Yeah, that isn't gonna be ready for 12 hours. And even when it is ready, it can't get close enough to Wrongness to use it. Except Boomfist can get close to Wrongness 'cause he's from the same world, plus he's beaten him 437 times, not to mention the Boomfist Thanksgiving TV special where he did it covered in radioactive gravy. Boomfist: Yeah, that was a rough one. Monroe: I hate to admit it, but the boy has a point. Boomfist: The dog talks. It gets better and better. Monroe: Excuse me, Superpants, but I'm taking your side in this. Ray Ray Lee: Sorry, Monroe, he's upset because dogs destroyed his home planet. Boomfist: (sighs) If it wasn't for the cats, we'd all be dead. Monroe: What kind of filth are you reading, boy?(Wrongness applying for a job at Java Hut)Java Hut employee: Do you have any personal references... You know, someone I can talk to? Wrongness: Uh... Yes! Uh, the Intergalactic Federation of Evil!... Ohh, no, I'm kind of on the outs with them. Oh, oh! There's Doctor, Termino, no-no wait. I tried to, destroy him... Uh... No. No references. Java Hut employee: (Sighs) Look, Carol.... you have no skills, you don't even have a home phone! Give me one reason to hire you. Wrongness:...I can shoot lasers out of my eyes.(Cut to Wrongness heating up coffee as an employee)Juniper Lee: So his message to kids is "always use your fists" and "milk is bad for you?" Ray Ray Lee: Why do you think mom work let me watch his shows? Boomfist: Also, "don't go to school; hang out with your friends, or better yet, gangs" and "don't listen to your parents; they old and feeble."(long pause)Juniper Lee: You sure we got the good guy? Wrongness: Wrongness must use toilet. Adventures in Babysitting [2.8] Cold Open (Episode starts in the forest where a large goblin runs as a pair of eyes are seen in the trees. The goblin runs towards a magical stone and he attempts to steal it, but...)Ray Ray Lee: (pops out of the trees) Now!(Juniper jumps from nowhere and kicks the goblin to the ground while holding the stone)Juniper Lee: Is this yours? I don't see your name on it.(The goblin uses his tail to throw Juniper to a tree, which she jumps off of and lands on the ground as the goblin charges at her and tries to hit Juniper, but she dodges each attempted blow. The goblin tries to punch Juniper, but misses twice)Juniper Lee: May I please have two more?(The goblin tries again, but, of course, misses twice. He then attempts to crush Juniper with his fist, but Juniper grabs it)Juniper Lee: Heads up! One order of goblin coming up!(She kicks the goblin, sending him flying)Ray Ray Lee: Welcome to the school of pain! Principal Ray Ray will see you now! (The goblin flies across him) Oh, sure! Run away!(The goblin lands behind a rock, but he gets up and prepares to attack Ray Ray, but gets zapped by Jasmine, who uses a magic stick and it disappears)Juniper Lee: Hey, nice one. Jasmine Lee: Yeah, for an old broad, I can still swing it. (hi-fives Juniper)Ray Ray Lee: Man, when you guys said we were gonna team up, I thought I was gonna be, you know, on the team. Jasmine Lee: You were, Ray Ray. We needed you as the lookout. It was a very important job. Ray Ray Lee: That's what I always do. I'm looking for some action, Jackson. Why do I have to be the lookout? Juniper Lee: Well, you're good at it. Jasmine Lee: Yes. That's a very useful skill to possess. Ray Ray Lee: Yeah, well I'm good at a lot of things. I'm sneaky, I'm resourceful, not above fighting dirty. I can do a lot more than be a... (sees the goblin getting up behind Juniper and Jasmine) Look out!(Juniper and Jasmine punch and knock the goblin unconscious)Juniper Lee: Check out the sharpshooter! Nice one, Ray Ray. No flies on you. Jasmine Lee: Yes, you're a real Johnny-on-the-spot. We should call you Eagle Eyes. Juniper Lee: Yeah, The Eagle Eyes Lee. Ray Ray Lee: Man! I'm just gonna go wait in the car. Juniper Lee: Yeah, well let me if you see anything! (giggles)Ray Ray Lee: Shut up! (storms off)(Cue the theme song) Jasmine Tells the Story (The scene begins with Juniper, Jasmine and Ray Ray walking with Juniper dragging the goblin by the tail)Ray Ray Lee: It's not fair. Juniper Lee: Oh, Ray Ray. Ray Ray Lee: Look, all I'm saying is that in this magical family, I got pooched out of the good stuff. Jasmine Lee: Pooched? Ray Ray Lee: Snookered, bamboozled, pantsed, robbed! You and June got all the big honking super strength and all that crazy gymnastics stuff. Me -- goose egg. Bortok: Yeah, I never understood that, either. Juniper Lee: Shut up. Jasmine Lee: Well, Ray Ray, your magical gifts were an accident. Ray Ray Lee: They were? Jasmine Lee: You honestly don't remember how it happened? Ray Ray Lee: No, but we all know I'm not too big on the "paying attention" thing. Jasmine Lee: Well, the tale of how Ray Ray Lee was immune with mystical abilities. (sits on a rock) It's a very good story. Bortok: Hey, do I gotta listen to this? Juniper Lee: Shut up. (sits down to listen to the story)Jasmine Lee: It wasn't that long ago, and I, well, I was still the Te Xuan Ze.(The story begins with Jasmine, in her battle armor, fighting a demon troll in the Underworld as she blocks the demon troll's blasts from his wand with her stick)Jasmine Lee: Nice shooting, Tex! Maybe if I gave you an hour, you might actually hit me, but I don't have that kind of time! Ha ha! (she jumps and knocks the demon troll with her stick)Monroe: Atta girl, Jasmine! Finish him off!(Jasmine attempts to use a banishment stone to banish the demon troll, but he blasts her shoulder with his wand)Monroe: Jasmine!(Jasmine grabs the banishment stone and attempts to blast the demon troll with it, but he retreats)Monroe: Jasmine, are you all right there, darling? I thought-- Jasmine Lee: (groans) I should've stripped him of that wand before taking him down. I got careless. Every day, I get a little slower. (looks at Monroe) And my behind gets a little bigger. Come on, Monroe, let's go home. Meanwhile at Jasmine's House (Scene cuts to Jasmine's house where Jasmine is in her basement, putting her stick on a wall and she groans from the blast on her shoulder)Monroe: Ah, Jasmine, you don't have to keep going on like this. Jasmine Lee: Monroe... Monroe: Hear me out! I've spoken with two Delacuort warlocks and Phoebe Elsaware, that weather witch from Pittsburgh. They've all agreed to lend a hand here and there. Jasmine Lee: Phoebe Elsaware? She's a walking natural disaster! Monroe: She caused one monsoon last year. It could happen to anyone! Besides, it was just New Jersey. Jasmine Lee: (sighs) No, I am the chosen one, the protector. It's my responsibility. Believe me, I'm not thrilled that the mantle of Te Xuan Ze seems to have, well, alluded my son, Michael. Monroe: "Alluded"? That man's about as magical as a bag of hammers! Jasmine Lee: Well hopefully, one of the grandchildren will be the wielder of magic. Monroe: Aye, we'll just wait and see who develops the powers, and it could happen at any time. One minute, they're normal, the next, boom, empowered warrior destined to battle evil.(Jasmine and Monroe walk out of the basement through her chimney)Monroe: My money's on Dennis. That boy's got spunk. Jasmine Lee: Is that what they say children who watch TV all they have? Spunk? Monroe: He's a deep thinker. You can tell, he's like a gestating butterfly.(A horn honking is heard outside and a car pulls over)Monroe: Oh, I thought you weren't babysitting for another hour. Jasmine Lee: Be nice. Monroe: Why? They've got no magic in them. They can't understand a word I'm saying. (gasps) Is the wee one coming? Jasmine Lee: Which one of my adorable grandchildren are you referring to? Monroe: The little hyperactive chimpanzee that darts about like a hummingbird on ten cups of coffee. Jasmine Lee: Oh, he's not so bad. (a younger Ray Ray flies on Jasmine's chest)Younger Ray Ray Lee: Ah-Mah, Ah-Mah, Ah-Mah! We was in the car, and I've seen a cow, a brown cow, and mommy says we cannot have a cow because cows are too big, but I said I want a small one, or a monkey, or a dolphin, or a rhino, and June hit Dennis with her doll and Dennis pulled June's hair, and Daddy stopped the car and says: "No fighting in the car!" And Mommy said she had another migraine, and then I threw up. Can I have a cookie? Jasmine Lee: Yeah, let's give you sugar, it's like tossing a bucket of gasoline on a grease fire. Younger Ray Ray Lee: Mundroe! Monroe: Oh, for pity's sake! Younger Ray Ray Lee: (starts chasing Monroe playfully) Doggy, doggy, doggy, doggy, doggy.... Monroe: This is not one of my job requirements! Jasmine Lee: Hello, Dennis. How are you, sweetheart? Young Dennis Lee: Fine.(Beat)Jasmine Lee: The TV's in the den. Young Dennis Lee: I know where it is. (walks inside)Jasmine Lee: Yeah, that's the spunk. Younger Juniper Lee: Ah-Mah! (runs to Jasmine)Jasmine Lee: Juniper! Hello, hello, hello! (hugs Younger Juniper) How's my favorite girl? Younger Juniper Lee: Okay. My belly still hurts. Jasmine Lee: Still? Well, your Ah-Mah has some soup which can take care of that. Michael Lee: Hey, mom. Thanks so much for looking after the kids. We shouldn't be more than a few hours. Jasmine Lee: Oh, Michael, it's my pleasure. Say, you haven't seen anything... oh, I don't know, monstrous lately? Michael Lee: Monstrous? Heck no, but my office just picked up this new accountant that can scare the beans out of you. (laughs)Jasmine Lee: (dryly) Ha! It's very funny. Okay, go! Have fun! (Michael and Barbara leave) The babies are safe with their Ah-Mah.(Cut to Franky's Karaoke in the Underworld where the demon troll and his friend are playing cards)Git: Oh, I'm telling ya, I had her on the ropes and she was drowning like a sea rat. I was all over the Te Xuan Ze like a... Dolt: A stink on a monkey? Git: Oh, exactly. She got lucky, she did. Cheating's more like it. Dolt: I've seen it meself. The old bird's slipping. Slipping like a... Git: A grease rhino on a flagpole! Dolt: Topper right. But she won't be lucky one of these days, and that's when blokes like us will be there to pounce. Git: Aye, still, once she ain't the Te Xuan Ze no more, there'll be another one popping up like a, uh, like a... Dolt: Zit on a pig's rump. Git: Well said.(Their leader, Nester, places a scepter on their table)Nester: Not if we get to them first. Git: Blimey! The Scepter of Elucidation! Nester: This will show us which one of her grandkids is gonna be the top dog. And when it does, we snatch the magic right out of 'em like, uh, like... Dolt: Taking avocados from a llama. Git: What? Nester: And when of the line of the Te Xuan Ze has ended, the world of magic is ours for the picking!(Pause)Git: Where did you get the scepter? Nester: Stole it from me mum when she was sleeping in front of the telly. Git: You swiped it off your mother? Nester: Yeah, and we better have it back in the garage before she wakes up for tea, or she'll pitch a fit. Dolt: Nicking stuff from your mum? Nester: I am evil, you know. Git: Well, I should say so. Babysitting the Kids (Cut to Jasmine's house where Young Dennis is listening to music while watching TV on the couch and Younger Ray Ray is still chasing Monroe playfully)Younger Ray Ray Lee: Doggy, doggy, doggy, doggy, doggy! (laughs) Doggy, doggy, doggy, doggy, doggy! (laughs)Monroe: Boy, wouldn't you prefer rotting your brain on video games and candy?!(Younger Ray Ray continues chasing Monroe upstairs as Younger Juniper and Jasmine are in her kitchen as she makes the soup)Younger Juniper Lee: And then he stripped down to his underwear and painted his entire body purple and then the whole class did it, too, and that's when Ray Ray's teacher suddenly decided to retire, which is really weird since she's only twenty-six. Jasmine Lee: How many teachers has he gone through this year? Younger Juniper Lee: Three, four if you count the music teacher who let him play drums. She got all her hearing back after a month or so. Jasmine Lee: (laughs) Now that one's got spunk. Okay, let's heat this soup up and see if we can take care of this stomach ache.(Her bracelet starts glowing as Younger Juniper grimaces in pain due to her stomach ache)Jasmine Lee: Are you alright, Juniper? Younger Juniper Lee: I guess so. My belly hurt again all of a sudden.(Monroe runs in the kitchen, jumps on the table and hides behinds the pot of soup)Monroe: He almost had me in the laundry room, but I lost him out by the toilet.(Cut to Jasmine's bathroom where Younger Ray Ray is checking the toilet for Monroe)Younger Ray Ray Lee: Mundroe! Mundroe! (falls in the toilet as Younger Juniper, Monroe and Jasmine hear it from downstairs) Mundroe!(Monroe grabs the lid, jumps and hides in the pot of soup)Younger Juniper Lee: Ah-Mah, I think I'll pass on the soup. Jasmine Lee: Juniper, will you check on Ray Ray for me?(Younger Juniper runs upstairs to check on Younger Ray Ray as Jasmine opens the lid)Monroe: Hey, what's in this, ginger? It's wonderful. Jasmine Lee: I gotta go. Fire demons decided to go jogging in Orchid Bay Park. Monroe: Again? They're awfully health-conscious considering they're made of fire. Jasmine Lee: I need you to stay here and keep an eye on the children. Monroe: Me?! You need me out on the field with you battling the beasties, not ripping around the house avoiding Captain Dynamo. Jasmine Lee: You'll be fine. Monroe: Hello? We're carrying on a conversation while I hide in a pot of soup, I past "fine" a while back! Jasmine Lee: Relax, you have 430 years and 90 IQ points on him. Plus, I'll get you some help. (dials a number)(Cut to the front door where a teenager named Michelle rings the doorbell and Jasmine answers it)Jasmine Lee: I appreciate you coming here last minute. Michelle: It's no problem, Mrs. Lee. Jasmine Lee: All the emergency numbers are on the counter, I shouldn't be more than an hour, and under no circumstances are you to give Ray Ray sugar. Michelle: Okay. Which one's Ray Ray?(Younger Ray Ray falls from above the house and runs around screaming)Michelle: Uh, you know, I just remembered I have a calculus exam that I should really-- Jasmine Lee: Great! There's chicken in the fridge! Bye! (closes the door) Juniper Becomes the Te Xuan Ze and Ray Ray Gets Magical Powers (Younger Ray Ray playfully chases Monroe once again)Michelle: (to Younger Juniper) He eventually tires himself out, right? Younger Juniper Lee: Not yet, but I guess there's always a first time. Stay positive.(The doorbell rings twice)Michelle: Awesome! Your grandmother came back. (Opens the door to find no one there) Hello?(Monroe stops running and sees Nester and his minions, who are invisible to Michelle, at the front door)Monroe: Great Mary McGonagall! Younger Ray Ray Lee: (falls and on the floor) I fell and went boom! (laughs)Nester: Ello, Monroe. Mind if we join the party?(Monroe gasps as Nester uses a wand to freeze Michelle)Younger Juniper Lee: Michelle? Monroe: Stand back! (jumps on the walls and closes the door) Run! Run, children! We're up to our armpits and bucket on demons!(Camera zooms out to only hear Monroe barking)Younger Juniper Lee: What's up with you? You need to be walked? Younger Ray Ray Lee: Yeah, time to walk the dog! Walking the doggie, let's go, let's go, let's go, puppy! Monore: Lad... (Younger Ray Ray opens the door) NOOOOOOOO!!! Younger Ray Ray Lee: Mundroe, come on! You cannot go poopy in the house! That's the rules! No poopy in the pants, no poopy on the floor! No poopy in the flowerpot. Mommy gets way ticked about poopy in the flowerpot. Trust me.(Younger Juniper feels her stomach ache, giving her dormant powers, causing one strip of her hair on her to turn white.)Younger Juniper Lee: (sees Nester and his minions, developing magical sight) Holy moly! Nester: Let's see if this little bit is gonna be in line to protect humanity.(Nester lowers the scepter to check Younger Ray Ray as Younger Juniper runs towards the door, developing super speed and acrobatic powers as she jumps on the walls, kicks the door closed and grabs her brother)Monroe: How in blazes did you do that?! Younger Juniper Lee: You can talk?! Monroe: You can hear me?! Younger Ray Ray Lee: Do it again!(Nester opens the door)Monroe: Lass, the door!(Younger Juniper slams the door, developing super strength, causing some of the glass on the door to break)Younger Juniper Lee: (meekly) Sorry.(A vase breaks)Younger Ray Ray Lee: DO IT AGAIN!(Nester punches the door)Monroe: RUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!(Younger Juniper grabs Younger Ray Ray and Monroe and runs all the way up the attic)Younger Juniper Lee: How do you know how to talk? Monroe: (runs and pushes a cabinet) Because we live in a world full of magic. I am a magical being, and apparently, so are you. (drops the cabinet to barricade the door) Every generation, your family produces a warrior who will maintain the balance between the world of humanity and the world of magic. (grabs a chair and puts it next to the door) And now, the mantle has been passed onto you. You are the Te Xuan Ze. (puts another chair down)Younger Juniper Lee: Are you Scottish?(Nester kicks the door down)Nester: After them!(Nester and his minions walk past Young Dennis, who is still listening to music while watching TV. Cut back to the attic the Jasmine's furniture are used to barricade the door)Monroe: Almost there. (runs to a sofa) Lass, nudge this sofa in front of the door. No pock-marked demon filth is getting in here, not while Monroe is on the job.(Younger Juniper walks to the sofa, but pushes it with her super strength, breaking the door down with Nester and his minions popping up)Younger Juniper Lee: (meekly) Sorry. Monroe: I... just can't win today.(Nester checks Younger Juniper with the scepter)Nester: It's her! She's the one! I'm about to end the long reign of the Te Xuan Zes. Monroe: Not on my watch! Stand down, you malodorous sacks of barbarous pond scum! (charges at Nester while letting a war cry, but gets grabbed by one of Nester's minions)(Nester uses an amulet to drain Younger Juniper's magical energy)Monroe: No! Lass! You put her down, or you'll rue the day you were hatched, you bucket of troll guts! Dolt: Someone's in a foul mood. Git: Maybe he needs a nap. Dolt: A nap's what's always picks me up. Younger Ray Ray Lee: Jun-per? (even though invisible to him, he sees Juniper's magical energy being drained by Nester's amulet) Jun-per! (rushes to save her, but in doing so the amulet's magic transfers her magical powers to him, thus he sees Nester and his minions) Whoa! Giant monkeys. LOOK AT THE GIANT MONKEYS!!! (laughs)Monroe: Well, I didn't see that coming. Defeating Nester / The End of the Story Younger Ray Ray Lee: Big monkeys! Big, big monkeys! (starts running and hopping around them while laughing)Nester: He can see us? Git: Well, it looks like it. Ain't that something? Dolt: Not exactly paralyzed of fear, neither. Git: No.(Younger Ray Ray continues running around them)Dolt: I'm beginning to feel a bit silly.(Monroe bites his finger, making him let go of him and grabs Younger Ray Ray)Monroe: RUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!(Younger Juniper grabs Younger Ray Ray and Monroe as they burst out the window and land in the front yard)Younger Ray Ray Lee: Do it again!(Younger Juniper puts them down as Nester lands behind her. He tries to punch Younger Juniper, but misses and she punches Nester with her fist)Younger Juniper Lee: Cool.(Nester's minions land in the front yard and charges towards her, but she jumps on one minion's head)Younger Ray Ray Lee: Awesome!(She bashes him on the head with her fists as the other one charges, but crash into each other)Monroe: Thatta girl! Ha ha! Show 'em what you've got!(Younger Juniper lands on the minions' heads, but she develops high jumping as she jumps to Jasmine's balcony)Monroe: Good effort, darling, but you might want to ease up on the jumping just a tad. Younger Ray Ray Lee: Look at June, that's so cool! June's all strong like a superhero! (gasps) Am I all strong like a superhero, too? Monroe: (kicks Younger Ray Ray to the ground to prove it) Nope. Sorry.(Younger Juniper repeatedly kicks one minion and ducks, making him punch his friend in the face)Monroe: Good, lass! Now, you've got the advantage! Utilize the momentum and implement the montrose attack option! Force your opponents and-- Younger Ray Ray Lee: Smash 'em in the face! (Younger Juniper does so to one minion) Sweep the leg! (She does so to the other minion) Now max somersault, pivot and kick! (She does them to he first minion)Monroe: Nice work, lad. Where in the blazes did you learn these combat techniques? Younger Ray Ray Lee: Dude, action movies and video games! Left, left, right, left, turn and hit!(She delivers the final blow by split-kicking Nester's minions)Younger Juniper Lee: And the next time you come to my grandmother's house, you better be invited!(Nester grabs her from behind)Nester: Got you now, squirt! You think you're tough? You think you've got what it takes to battle fellas like me, do ya?(Younger Juniper struggles to free herself from Nester's grasp)Monroe: Juniper! Younger Ray Ray Lee: Bad monkey. Big monkey's bad. Bad big monkey! You, stop that, stupid big bad poopy-head monkey! Stop messing with my sister! (goes to save her, but Monroe stops him)Monroe: No, lad. Leave this to me. It's too dangerous. You'll get hurt. Younger Ray Ray Lee: Hurt? Hurt?! The only one's getting hurt are those big dorkos dumb enough to mess with me! I'M RAY RAY LEE! I'M A SUPERHERO! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! (charges towards Nester)Monroe: Lad, stop!(Younger Ray Ray continues charging towards Nester and starts kicking him by the boot, but Nester grabs him)Nester: (chuckles) Look at this: the future of the Lee family, the great warriors, the chosen protectors of humanity. (cackles) I'm about to put an end to the Te Xuan Ze for all eternity, and my belly worked up a sweat! (continues cackling until he is knocked unconscious by none other than Jasmine Lee, who uses her stick to save her grandchildren)Jasmine Lee: Well, maybe I can give you a workout! Younger Juniper Lee and Ray Ray Lee: Ah-Mah!(Jasmine sweep kicks Nester out to the horizon and into the ocean as Younger Juniper and Ray Ray embrace their Ah-Mah)Jasmine Lee: Let me look at you. Are you hurt? If these idiots so much as-- Monroe: They're fine. The new Te Xuan Ze held them off. Jasmine Lee: What? (sees the white stripe on Younger Juniper's hair) Is that right? Younger Ray Ray Lee: Yeah, June gave 'em a smackdown! (laughs)Younger Juniper Lee: Well, I did. A little. Monroe: Yes, she did, and the wee one has magic in him as well. They make quite the team, as disturbing as that might seem. Jasmine Lee: Well, it looks like you two are in for quite an adventure. Younger Juniper Lee: We are? Jasmine Lee: Oh, yes.(The story ends)Jasmine Lee: There's an entire world you will come to know. Bortok: And that's when you started training June? Jasmine Lee: Yes, and her skills grow sharper every day. Monroe: You're trying to tell me you don't remember any of that? Ray Ray Lee: Eh, as stories go, it's just three demons at Ah-Mah's house. Now, throwing in a fire-breathing rhino or something, that would stick.(The group continue walking with Juniper once again dragging the goblin by the tail)Bortok: So Ray Ray's got a little piece of June's powers, and that's why he can see magic and enchanted beings. And what I don't get is why he doesn't have other powers. Ray Ray Lee: Yeah. you ain't the only one, bubba. Jasmine Lee: I think the point is not that Ray Ray doesn't have any other powers...(leans down to look at Ray Ray)... but that Ray Ray doesn't have any other powers... yet. (leaves)(Needed a moment to himself, Ray Ray lets out a war cry and tries different fighting techniques, but falls to the ground)Ray Ray Lee: That's what I'm talking about, baby! Watch your big hairy butts, evil, Ray Ray Lee is coming at ya! (laughs) Oh, yeah! Epilogue: Monroe's Decision (We are shown back in the past where Jasmine and Monroe walking towards the Lee residence)Jasmine Lee: Monroe, are you sure you want to live with Juniper? Monroe: Jasmine, I am the assistant to the Te Xuan Ze. For generations, this has been my vocation. Juniper is the next Te Xuan Ze, and my place is at her side. Jasmine Lee: Well, if you're sure. (walks away)Monroe: I'm positive. This is my duty-- Younger Ray Ray Lee: (opens the door) Mundroe! (picks up Monroe and swings him) We got Mundroe, we got the doggy! Mundroe the doggy! Monroe: I CHANGED MY MIND!(Episode ends) June's Egg-cellent Adventure: Juniper Lee Meets the Easter Bunny [2.9] Monroe: (after Ray Ray eats pieces of Sweetland's nature) Not everything is made of candy. You just ate a tree, leaves and dirt. Juniper Lee: (yelling) IT'S NOT A DATE!! Monroe: (after William sent a message) What's it say? Rabbit: (reading) Well it says, oh my. It's a poem entitled, My name is Monroe, I'm a fat fatty, I can't see my feet. All I loves to do is eat, eat, eat. (to Monroe) and eat, eat, eat was underlined 3 times. Monroe: (grabs the letter and gets angry) Rabbits, prepare for WAR!!! I've Got You Under My Skin [2.10] Juniper Lee: (pounding on the bathroom door) Dennis! C'mon! You said you'd be done in 5 minutes, it's been 15, I need to take a shower! Dennis Lee: (heard inside the bathroom; groans) Get lost, dweeb! ...I'm shaving. Juniper Lee: Ugh please, I have more mustache than you do. (Dennis opens the door and puts his head through, his chin and cheeks are covered in foam)Dennis Lee: You said it, not me! (he wipes foam under June's nose and goes back in the bathroom, laughing, June wipes the foam off her lip) Juniper Lee: Mom?...is that you... Barbara Lee: Yes, honey? Juniper Lee: I'm not feelin' very good... Barbara Lee: Oh... not buying it. Get up! Juniper Lee: Ugh. Was it that obvious?! Barbara Lee: Oh, please, at least when your brother plays being sick, he fakes throwing up. Ray Ray Lee (June): My name's June, and my brother Ray Ray's a rock-star! Jody Irwin: Uh, we're fine? Ray Ray Lee (June): Hey, tell me something and be honest. Does my hair look extra bouncy today? Cuz seriously, watch this! (bounces her hair)Ophelia Ramírez: Okay, who are you and what did you do with Juniper Lee? Monroe (Ray Ray): Oooh nothing. She's just real excited (clears up throat and does American accent) She's just real excited because she- used a new conditioner. What a dweeb, eh? (Ray Ray snorts and him and Monroe start to laugh)Monroe (Ray Ray): My name's Ray Ray Lee and I'm a complete idiot. Monroe (Ray Ray): Can you keep the big fella on the run for a wee bit without getting caught? Ray Ray Lee (June): What? You kiddin'? With legs this long I can outrun a greyhound! Monroe (Ray Ray): Then off you go! Run like the wind!(after the spell doesn't work right and June and Ray Ray are transformed into copies of Monroe and scream)Monroe: Look at ya! You're GORGEOUS! It's like Monroe.... in stereo! Ray Ray Lee: Lemme see that stone! No way I'm staying like this for- hey, wait a minute.... I've got a tail! Welcome Bat Otter [2.11] Mylock the Destroyer: Thank you. The situation... Monster: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Runs through the screen)Mylock the Destroyer: The situation is like that. Juniper Lee: (Comparing notes on Bat Otters) Okay... They range in size from three inches to four thousand feet tall, they're hairy and bald, have either wings, horns, horned wings, or winged horns, but the one thing everyone could agree on is... nothing. Ray Ray Lee: Are you saying the TV lies? Never! Skeeter: (Edited Ray Ray on TV) I'm Ray Ray Lee, and I love Bat Otters, they're cool! Ray Ray Lee: Hey, I never said that... or did I? Monroe: And do you think you can to defeat them alone? Ray Ray Lee: No, but I can hide under the bed like a girl. Monroe: What kind of moron will fear something they've never seen?(Ray Ray runs inside the room)Ray Ray Lee: Here come the Bat Otters! Juniper Lee: We'll need a bigger cave. Juniper Lee: What proof do you have that bat otters exist? S