What's Up, Doc?

What's Up, Doc? is a 1972 film in which the accidental mix-up of four identical plaid overnight bags leads to a series of increasingly wild and wacky situations. Directed by Peter Bogdanovich. Story by Peter Bogdanovich. Screenplay by Buck Henry, David Newman, and Robert Benton. A screwball comedy. Remember them? taglines Judy Maxwell ...not as much as I am in the metamorphic or sedimentary rock categories. I mean I can take your igneous rocks or leave them. I relate primarily to micas, quartz, feldspar. You can keep your pyroxenes, magnetites and coarse-grained plutonics as far as I'm concerned... Eunice!? This is a person named Eunice? I love those old Ventegums. It so happens, Mr. Simon, that Howard has had discussions with Leonard Bernstein about the possibility of conducting an avalanche ... in E flat. Hi, Room Service, this is Room 1717. I would like a double-thick roast beef sandwich medium rare on rye bread with mustard on the top, mayonnaise on the bottom, and a coffee hot fudge sundae with a large bottle of diet anything. You got that? Yeah, Room 1717. Oh, and Room Service, would you put it in the hall outside the door. I mean, don’t bring it in or knock on the door because I’m just putting my little one to sleep. Thank you. What do you think I am, a piece of ripe fruit you can squeeze the juice out of and cast aside? Why Ms. Burns, what are you doing in Mr. Banister's bedroom? Don't you know the meaning of propriety? Dr. Howard Bannister ...you are not Burnsy. Burnsy is Burnsy, I mean Eunice is Burnsy, I mean she isn't Burnsy. Nobody is Burnsy. It's the television set, Eunice. There's a movie on—a war movie. They're getting dressed for the big battle. Well, there's not much to see actually, we're inside a Chinese dragon. The point is, the point is... oh god, I've forgotten my point. Eunice Burns Why, those are Howard's. What on Earth are you doing with Howard Bannister's rocks? Don't kick those rocks, you Philistine! Don’t you know the meaning of propriety? Hugh Simon There is an old Croatian saying, Bollixter, which goes... I find that story as difficult to swallow as I do this potage au gelée. I myself have a little announcement to make, that may be of some interest. My natural curiosity was aroused, an so I did a little research on Mr. Bankister and Miss Burns, and I think-- The slight mistake, Mesdames and Messieurs, is in the so-called identity of these alleged colleagues. I don't know who he is, but she is definitely not herself. For God's sake, don't shoot me, I'm part Italian. Frederick Larrabee This is inexcusable. You can't come in here uninvited. Who is that dangerously unbalanced woman? Don't you dare strike that brave unbalanced woman! Fritz Snakes, as you know, live in mortal fear of tile. You will tell her you are smitten with her, that you had followed her all evening, and you will make passionate love to her. There is no Hans. There is only me, Fritz. Taxi Driver I know how you feel, mister. I hate it when my igneous rocks are even touched! Judge Maxwell You've made me smash my Life Savers. Tell them to bring straight jacket! In assorted sizes! Do you see this yellow pill? You know what it's for? It's to remind me to take this blue pill! I will get to the bottom of this if it takes me the rest of my life, which may end at any minute! Dialogue Eunice: Howard! Howard Bannister! Howard, when I ask for you to wait for me somewhere I expect you to stay there until I come back. Howard: Yes, Eunice. Eunice: Now, it is difficult enough for me to have to see to all these arrangements myself... Howard: Yes, Eunice. Eunice: It is exactly 6:15. If we reach the hotel in half an hour, we'll have just enough time to get ready for the banquet. Howard: Yes, Eunice. Eunice: [to the airport attendant] Put these things in a taxi. Airport Attendant Yes, Eunice. Judge Maxwell: You there; you in the blanket! You seem to have caused all this trouble. Exactly what have you got to say for yourself...? [The mystery figure lowers the blanket, revealing herself as...] ...JUDY!? Judy: ...Hello, Daddy. Judge Maxwell: [as if he might cry] Oh, Judy, not again!! This is an ELECTION YEAR!! [Judy shrugs, as her father's bench collapses] Judy: Aw c'mon, Steve, you don't want to marry Eunice. Howard: I'm not Steve. I'm Howard. Judy: Well neither of you wants to marry Eunice. Howard: Why do you say that? Judy: Because you don't want to marry someone who's gonna get all wrinkled, lined, and flabby. Howard: Everybody gets wrinkled, lined, and flabby! Judy: By next week? Fritz: Young miss, may I help you please? Judy: Yes, I was wondering if my friends are still here. They're visiting from the um... New Hebrides and I believe they're in Room 1717. Fritz: I'm sorry, but that room is vacant. Judy: I don't understand. They told me they would be in Room 1717 at the Hotel Crystal. Fritz: This is the Bristol, madam, not the Crystal. Judy: Then one of us must be in the wrong hotel. Fritz: Ah, Mrs. Van Hoskins. It's so nice to have you back with us. Mrs. Van Hoskins: Thank you, Hans. Fritz: Fritz. Mrs. Van Hoskins: What happened to Hans? Fritz: There is no Hans, Mrs. Van Hoskins, there is only me, Fritz. Mrs. Van Hoskins: Oh, what a shame! Fritz: [ringing his bell] Boy! Mrs. Van Hoskins: Now Franz, I'm going to take this with me. There are some things I need tonight, and tomorrow I want you to put it in the hotel safe for me. Howard: [to the bellhop] Don't touch that. Those are my pre-Paleozoic Tambulu rocks. Fritz: Don't touch his rocks. Eunice: Where have you been? Howard: I had a little trouble in the drug store. Judy: Steve, you didn't tell me you were married. Howard: We're not married. Judy: Congratulations. Eunice: But we will be soon. Judy: Condolences. Eunice: [to Howard] Who is this person? Howard: I haven't the vaguest idea. She was behind a rock in the drug store. Judy: Oh come on Steve, you can tell her about us. Eunice: Why is she calling you that name? Howard: Don't pay any attention to her, Eunice. [turning to Judy] Look, Miss Maxwell-- Eunice: You know her name. Howard: Eunice, I swear this is a bizarre joke. Judy: Sure, it's easy for you, everywhere you go, another heart broken--women, women, women. You call it joking. Eunice and I, we call it lust. Eunice: Don't you know the meaning of propriety? Judy: Propriety? Noun. Conformity to established standards of behavior or manners, suitability, rightness, or justice. See "etiquette." Judy: ...it's probably the excitement of meeting you for the first time. I must say, I can feel it myself. Mr. Larrabee: Oh can you? Judy: Can I?! My heart is going a mile a minute. Why, you can just feel it pounding. Can't you feel it? Mr. Larrabee: Yes, I think I can. I... Yes, it's absolutely... it's certainly in there pounding... it's amazing. [to the others at the table] You should feel it gentlemen. [gentlemen rise] Mr. Larrabee: Sit DOWN, gentlemen! Mr. Larrabee: I must point out that "foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds." Judy: Emerson! Mr. Larrabee: I beg your pardon my dear? Judy: Ralph Waldo Emerson, born 1803, died 1882. Mr. Larrabee: You like Emerson? Judy: I adore him! Mr. Larrabee: I adore anyone who adores Emerson. Judy: And I adore anyone who adores anyone who adores Emerson. Your turn. Howard: [Somebody knocks; the doorknob falls off] Come in; it's broken - I mean, it's open. [Kaltenborn enters] Good morning. Mr. Kaltenborn: No, I don't think so. I'm Mr. Kaltenborn, the manager of what's left of the hotel. Howard: I'm sorry about the mess here. Usually this kind of thing doesn't happen to me. Mr. Kaltenborn: Doctor Bannister, I have a message for you from the staff of the hotel. Howard: What is it? Mr. Kaltenborn: Goodbye. Howard: That's the entire message? Mr. Kaltenborn: We would appreciate it, if you would check out. Howard: When? Mr. Kaltenborn: Yesterday. Howard: That soon? Mr. Kaltenborn: We'll settle for immediately. Delivery boy: I want my bike back! Judge Maxwell: I'll give you your bike back. I'll give you a broken back! Mr. Larrabee: They broke into my home. Judge Maxwell: That's breaking and entering. Mr. Larrabee: And they brought her with them forcibly. Judge Maxwell: That's kidnapping. Eunice: They tried to molest me. Judge Maxwell: That's... unbelievable. Howard: First, there was this trouble between me and Hugh. Judge Maxwell: You and me? Howard: No, not you, Hugh. Hugh: I am Hugh. Judge Maxwell: You are me? Hugh: No, I am Hugh. Judge Maxwell: Stop saying that. Make him stop saying that. Hugh: Don't touch me, I'm a doctor. Judge Maxwell: Of what? Hugh: Music. Judge Maxwell: Can you fix a hi-fi? Hugh: No, sir. Judge Maxwell: Then shut up![at 1:28]Frederick Larrabee: C'est la vie. Hugh Simon: C'est la guerre. Judy Maxwell: C'est la dreck. Judy Maxwell: [Talking so Howard can hear]: No, no. I'm a transfer student. No, not the University -- the Conservatory of Music. It's in Ames. You never heard of it? Well, it's a small conservatory, but there are those who love it. There's a professor there whom I hope to be studying with. A brilliant man by the name of Howard Bannister. No, Bannister. As in: sliding down the. You never heard of him? Yeah, that's right! The nut with the rocks! What's up, Doc? Howard: Did you know that I love you? Judy Maxwell: Yes. Howard: You did? Do? Judy Maxwell: Listen, kiddo. You can't fight a tidal wave.[They kiss]Howard: About those things. I mean, the way I acted back there. I'm sorry. Judy Maxwell: Let me tell you something. Love means never having to say you're sorry. Howard: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.[They kiss again] Taglines A screwball comedy. Remember them? Cast Barbra Streisand — Judy Maxwell Ryan O'Neal — Dr. Howard Bannister Madeline Kahn — Eunice Burns Kenneth Mars — Hugh Simon Austin Pendleton — Frederick Larrabee See alsoWhat's Up, Doc, a 1950 animated short film starting Bugs Bunny.What's Up Doc?'', a UK Saturday morning children's show in the early 1990s. External links What's Up, Doc? (1972 film) 0069495 What's Up, Doc? (1972) whats_up_doc What's Up, Doc? (1972) Category:American romantic comedy films Category:Screwball comedy films Category:Slapstick films Category:Films set in hotels Category:Films set in San Francisco Category:Screenplays by Robert Benton Category:1972 American films Category:1972 English-language films Category:Films directed by Peter Bogdanovich Category:Screenplays by Buck Henry