The First Wives Club

The First Wives Club is a 1996 film about three divorced wives who get even with their ex-husbands. Directed by Hugh Wilson. Written by Olivia Goldsmith, Robert Harling and Paul Rudnick Don't get mad. Get everything! (taglines) Brenda What's the matter, Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress? Wake up, Morty! Time to smell the audit! Don't shame me in the synagogue. You know, I wonder how drunk Cynthia was when she decided to do a jack knife off of Park Avenue. (upon seeing a slinky dress) Now, I ask you, Duarto, who's supposed to wear that? Some anorexic teenager? Some fetus? It's a conspiracy, I know it is! I've had enough. I'm leading a protest. I'm not buying another article of clothing until these designers come to their senses! Elise Fill 'em up! No, Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend! He may be three hundred years old, but he's still a stud! You think that because I'm a movie star I don't have feelings. Well you're wrong. I'm an actress. I've got all of them! Others Chris: Guess what, dad? I'm a lesbian. A big one. Dr. Morris Packman: If I give you one more face lift, you're going to be able to blink your lips! Gunilla: (sees Shelley and Morty entering her building) Social climbers on the rise. Dialogue Chris: You're a doormat. Annie: Why are you so crabby today honey, is it school? I know what it is; it's a boy. Chris: I'm a lesbian mom. I'm a lesbian, but that's not the point. Annie: Wait, sweetie, when you say "lesbian"-- Chris: And don't tell daddy, I want to tell him myself when the time is right. Like Father's day or Christmas morning. Catherine: Annie? Thank God you're all right. Where were you? Who saw you? Annie: Who saw me what? Chris: She was sleeping with daddy. Catherine: Oh muffin dear you've come to your senses, I'm so happy. Annie: Mother, I am not sleeping with Aaron. He's just having some problems with his partners. He's feeling very conflicted and he needed somebody to talk to. Chris: Doormat! Annie: Lesbian! (Elise to her plastic surgeon) Elise: Do it Morris, do it to me now, I need it. You're the only one who does it the way I like it. You're the king. Morris: Elise, if I give you any more collagen, your lips are going to look like they got stuck in a pool drain Morris: You're 45! If I give you one more facelift, you're going to be able to blink your lips. I mean, don't you want to be able to play a part your own age? Elise: "My own age?" No no. You don't understand. There are only three ages for women in Hollywood; "Babe", "District Attorney", and "Driving Ms. Daisy." And right now, I want to be young. Science-fiction young. Brenda: OK Elise, the time has come... spill it. Those goddamn lips- what's in 'em. Are they wax? Elise: Excuse me? Brenda: What else did you have done? Come on Elise you can tell me. The cheek one, the jaw line. Did you have a little bit, or the full enchilada?! Elise: I work out every day. I watch my diet. I have not had plastic surgery. Annie: Well good for you, you look terrific. Brenda: Oh come on. Elise your lying through your caps. Elise: Ok. All right, I have been freshened up a little. Annie: (Puts down wine glass) Oh god, does it hurt. Elise: (drinking) Mmmm, no. Brenda: What do they do with the stuff they take off? Do you get to keep it? Elise: Oh come on Brenda, it's the nineties for god's sake. (Picks up cigarette and lights it) I mean it's like... Plastic surgery is like good grooming, it's like brushing your teeth. Aaron: I want a divorce. Annie: (shocked)B-- BUT WE JUST MADE LOVE! I mean you asked me out! (Starts crying) Aaron: I asked you out to tell you, but then you looked so good. I thought, gee isn't this romantic. You know one last time, a goodbye kiss. Annie :But this wasn't just a kiss! Aaron: Annie don't be childish, you know how you manipulate me. Annie: What, manipulate, i.. i..(Realizes what's going on). Oh my god, is there someone else? Aaron: Of course not this is about us,... well it's really about you... (Dr. Leslie Rosen enters through front door) Leslie: Babe! All three stare at each other Leslie: Oh my god. Annie: Oh my god! Aaron: Oh my god... Leslie: This is very awkward... Aaron: No, no, Annie was just leaving! Leslie: You told her? Aaron: I was totally upfront! Annie: What!? Excuse me! Leslie: Annie, this is rough, I know that- Annie: ROUGH!? Wait a minute, I don't understand! You are my therapist! Leslie: I'm a woman. Annie: He is my husband. Oh! Aaron: Annie, we've been separated for months. Now let's not over-dramatise. Leslie: Aaron, she's aloud to be angry. Annie, let's use this; he's found someone new; you're free; closure. Annie: I am sorry, but that is not what this is. No! Leslie: Annie no, Annie you're not helping us out here- now I am sorry... Annie: SO AM I! I AM VERY SORRY I EVER MET YOU; AND I AM SORRY THAT I ALLOWED MYSELF TO LOVE YOU FOR ALL THOSE YEARS. I'M SORRY I DID NOTHING BUT BE THERE FOR YOU EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY AND SUPPORT YOU IN YOUR EVERY MOVE!!! I'M SORRY!!! (Starts crying and leaves) Elise: You wouldn't understand, you're civilians! Brenda:That's it. (infuriated) I understand. (she grabs the bottle from Elise) Elise: Hey... give that back... Brenda: I'm saying this to you with love, compassion and the spirit of true sisterhood: you are full of SHIT! Elise: What? Brenda: (pouring the alcohol down the sink) So okay, alimony sucks! Okay, you didn't get to play a policewoman in a Wonder bra! But look at you! You grew up gorgeous, and thanks to Cher's pioneering efforts, you still haven't hit puberty! And once upon a time, you were a great actress, you've even got an Oscar to prove it! You've spent your whole life with people sucking up to you, but I'm sure Annie will agree with me when I say your perception of life is somewhat altered! Elise: You've got some nerve! I drink because I am a sensitive and highly strung person! Brenda: No, that's why your co-stars drink! Elise: I am not a DRUNK! Brenda: Oh really? Let's examine the evidence! Look! All bottles! And gallon jugs! Elise: I had GUESTS. Brenda: Who, Guns N' Roses?! Elise: You didn't invite me to your son's bar mitzvah! Brenda: You wouldn't have come! Annie: Yeah, it was in Hebrew... Brenda: Oh, SHUT UP! Brenda: (gasps loudly) Annie: What? Brenda: He brought her to our son's bar mitzvah? Annie: Is she a gift? Uncle Carmine: Permission to speak freely, Brenda? Brenda: Oh yea, Annie's cool. Uncle Carmine: Morty is garbage. You gave him the best years of your life, and he pushes you aside for a younger model. It would be an honor for us to take him out. Elise: You think just because I'm a movie star, I don't have feelings, well, you're wrong! I do have feelings! I'm an actress! I have ALL of them! Brenda: (putting on a meek voice) Well, I wouldn't understand. You see I'm just a poor little housewife, in a little apron, with a little child to raise! Elise: Yeah, well, you were always jealous of me, even in college, because I was blonde and beautiful and talented, and I could have any guy I wanted! Annie: (faintly in the background) Um, you guys... Brenda: And did! Every guy! Most of the senior class and half the faculty! Elise: Well! It was the Sixties! Brenda: (scornful) Look at this place! Is this where your fanclub meets? Do you have ritual sacrifices?! Elise: Put that down! Put that down! I won that! Brenda: I remember! Your first talkie! Elise: Yeah, what did you ever win? A pie eating contest? Best Digestion?! (she screams as Brenda throws the statuette) Oh no... Brenda, this is a Golden Globe! It's sacred! It's... TRADEMARKED!! (Elise throws the statue at Brenda and smashes the wall mirror) Brenda: (frightened, she barks) "Are you CRAZY!?" Elise: Ivana? I wanna thank you for coming so much, you're an angel! Ivana Trump: Oh, of course. Annie: Thank you so much, again. Ivana: Ladies, you have to be strong and independent. And remember... Elise: What? Ivana: Don't get mad... get everything. Annie {as narrator}: Our opening of the Cynthia Swann Memorial Center was a success. Bill broke up with Phoebe, for obvious reasons. Shelly: Got a cigarette? Bill: Certainly. By the way, how old are you? Annie {as narrator}: Leslie also broke up with Aaron. He begged me to take him back, and I told him to stuff it! But not all relationships have to break up. Morton: May I have this dance? Brenda: Certainly Morty. Annie {as narrator}: As for Brenda and Morty, a reconciliation does seem quite likely. Wives: [singing] You don't own me... don't try to change me in any way. You don't own me... don't tie me down cause I'll never stay! Cast Diane Keaton - Annie Paradis Bette Midler - Brenda Cushman Goldie Hawn - Elise Elliot Stephen Collins - Aaron Paradis Dan Hedaya - Morton Cushman Victor Garber - Bill Atchison Marcia Gay Harden - Dr. Leslie Rosen Sarah Jessica Parker - Shelly Stewart Elizabeth Berkley - Phoebe LaVelle Stockard Channing - Cynthia Swann Griffin Maggie Smith - Gunilla Garson Goldberg Bronson Pinchot - Duarto Felice Ari Greenberg - Jason Cushman Jennifer Dundas - Chris Paradis Eileen Heckart - Catherine MacDuggan (final film role) Philip Bosco - Uncle Carmine Morelli External links The First Wives Club Category:1996 films Category:American romantic comedy films Category:1990s American films Category:Films based on novels Category:Films about revenge Category:Films about divorce