Attila the Stockbroker

thumb|Attila the Stockbroker Attila the Stockbroker (born John Baine on October 21, 1957) is a punk performance poet, songwriter and musician. Sourced It first was a rumour dismissed as a liebut then came the evidence none could deny:a double page spread in the Sunday Express —The Russians are running the DHSS! "Russians in the DHSS", from Cautionary Tales for Dead Commuters (1985) DHSS = Department of Health and Social Security, a British government department. Hitching up the M11coming back from a Dexys giggot picked up 'bout half elevenby this bloke in a funny wig "Contributory Negligence", from Cautionary Tales for Dead Commuters (1985) Written for a judge who said a raped woman hitchhiker had been guilty of "contributory negligence". In the poem, Attila hitches a lift with a judge, attacks him and uses the ruling in his defence. He wanted me to beat him up!It was an open invitation!Late at night he picked me up —an act of open provocation! "Contributory Negligence", from Cautionary Tales for Dead Commuters (1985) A five pence fine is right and proper —and to sum up my defenceit was his fault he came a cropper:CONTRIBUTORY NEGLIGENCE! "Contributory Negligence", from Cautionary Tales for Dead Commuters (1985) I don't want a fortnight on the Costa del SolDon't wanna go to Bognor — it's a plague-ridden holeand it don't fit in with my ideology...Down the Adriatic to the Vlora bayTwenty pints of Fosters and I'm away'Cos now I know just where I wanna be:Albania — that's the place for me! "Holiday in Albania", from Cautionary Tales for Dead Commuters (1985) Based on the Sex Pistols song, "Holiday in the Sun". No agony, no ecstacy, no pleasure and no pain —so exquisitely uninteresting you drive your wife insaneThe TV is your oracle, the newspapers your guideand your shiny little vehicle is your passion and your prideYou've done the same things every day for nigh on forty yearsand in your ludicrous routines you hide your worthless fearsOn the blandest boat in Boredom you are captain of the crewand every time I eat vegetables it makes me think of you. "Every Time I Eat Vegetables...", from Cautionary Tales for Dead Commuters (1985) My wardrobe is like a gardenoh, I don't know how I've got the gall!my wardrobe is just like a wardrobe —it's not like a garden at all! "My Wardrobe", from Cautionary Tales for Dead Commuters (1985) So thin, and yet...so thick. "Supermodel" (1999-11-29), from attilathestockbroker.com. Retrieved 2007-03-26. I am one of a teamof Iraqi weapons inspectorscurrently travelling through the United Kingdomunder very difficult conditionssearching for weapons of mass distraction. "The Iraqui Weapons Inspectors' Report" (2002-12-09), from attilathestockbroker.com. Retrieved 2007-03-26. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was Gotcha! "The Bible according to Rupert Murdoch", from attilathestockbroker.com. Retrieved 2007-03-26. Rupert Murdoch took over William Collins, one of whose publications is The Bible. "Gotcha" was the headline in Murdoch's The Sun when the General Belgrano was sunk in the Falklands War. And the Lord Rupert looked at his work, and even he saw that it was a load of crap, but this was the enterprise culture and it sold millions so it was good. And on the same basis he decided to take over the television too, and the earth itself wept, and little robins vomited, and cuddly furry animals threw themselves under trains, and the whole thing was filmed by Sky Channel for a horror nature programme, and the most awful thing of all was that this was just the beginning. "The Bible according to Rupert Murdoch", from attilathestockbroker.com. Retrieved 2007-03-26. External links Attila the Stockbroker's homepage Category:Poets from England Category:Songwriters from England Category:1957 births Category:Living people