Curb Your Enthusiasm (season 1)

Season 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 | Main Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000-2024) is an American television sitcom on HBO starring Seinfeld writer & co-creator Larry David. The series is loosely based on David's life as a semi-retired multi-millionaire in the world after Seinfeld. It was inspired by a 1999 one-hour mockumentary titled Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm, which David and HBO had envisioned as a one-time project. The Pants Tent [1.1] Larry David: I can name sources. Sophia Loren was once a source. Larry: [regarding his "bunch-up"] Is it a bad thing? Maybe it's not such a bad thing. Cheryl: Oh, 'cause you want people to think you constantly have an erection? Richard:[regarding his girlfriend] She reads Wiesel and a lot of things. Larry: She reads Wiesel? Richard: That's right. Not everyone's a moron I go out with. Larry: You know what she should be reading? Emily fucking Post! [Larry, unaware he is on speakerphone, is asked if he wants to play golf] Larry: I dunno, I'll have to ask Hitler. (Cheryl) Richard: You better call me later on, by sundown. Larry: "By sundown"? What are you, Gary Cooper? Larry: It's always great to see a black entrepreneur, isn't it? Jeff's Mom: What? Jeff's Dad: What did he just say? What is that supposed to mean? Ted and Mary [1.2] Larry: Everything is "heaven" with [Ted]. The piece of gum he had; "Oh this is heaven!" Had a taste of a chocolate bar; "I'm in heaven." A parking space is "heaven." It's all "heaven." Larry: I'd like to return this, please. Sales woman: What seems to be the problem? Larry: You know, it's kinda of half-jacket, half-shirt; half-man, half-beast. Porno Gil [1.3] Larry: Maybe we can stop by the store and pick up some Tabasco. Brian: Should you be going to the party with your back or, er, can you bend over? Can you bend with your back? Larry: Yeah. Brian: Well then maybe you should just bend over and kiss my ass and maybe next time you'll remember to pick up my fucking golf ball. The Bracelet [1.4] Richard: I can't believe you won't help out a blind man. Larry: I can't believe you said "blind man" in front of a blind man! The Interior Decorator [1.5] Parking Attendant: "The bald guy with the glasses." That's you? Larry: Unfortunately, that's me. Parking Attendant: Hey, it's a good look. The Wire [1.6] Jeff: If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro's not a good maniac. Larry: You try to do something nice, see what happens? Jeff: You get screwed. Larry: You do one nice thing in your life. I assume it's the first nice thing you've ever done in your life. Jeff: You're so complimentary. Larry: It would put you one up on me, if that's the case. Although, I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out "Watch out!" and she said "Don't you tell me what to do!" Jeff: And that's all it took to for you to stop helping people? Larry: I got out of the "nice" business at that point. Larry: And who knows, you know what? Maybe I'll be able to need a lawyer someday. Cheryl: Anything could happen. Larry: A lot of people sue me. Larry: What's the guy, 40 years old? He's got to meet Julia Louis-Dreyfus! What kind of person is that?! Cheryl: He's a fan. Larry: What does he expect to gain from such a meeting? What does he think? He's gonna go over there, she's gonna be so charmed by him that all of a sudden they'll start becoming friends? They'll talk on the phone and go out to dinner together, go to the movies? What, start e-mailing each other? Summer vacations? Is he out of his fucking mind?! Phyllis: Tell me about Jerry Seinfeld and tell me about...he dates those young girls- Larry: Well, um, he's a eunuch. Yes. His testicles were cut off when he was about 13 because he was in the Beth Shalom choir. And, um, that's what he wanted to be, he was a choirboy. Phyllis: Julia, is that true? Does he really have no testicles? Julia Louis-Dreyfus: You know, I've got to tell you, I don't have any fucking idea. Cheryl: I guess Julia will have to come back over. You'll just have to arrange another meeting. Larry: Are you out of your mind now? Aamco [1.7] Julie: [referring to Larry's movie "Sour Grapes"] I enjoyed it. It was interesting. It was such a perfect length. Larry: That's my specialty, length. Julie: Well, I thought it was a good length Larry: The width, what about the width? There's some good width in that movie. Hobo: Got any spare change? Jeff: Nah, I got nothing, man. Larry: [hands him some leftovers] Want this? Hobo: What is it? Larry: It's tuna. Hobo: I don't like tuna. Larry: What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them? Larry: [after the dinner party] Hey, when's the next meeting of the Young Republicans club? Cheryl: [referring to the caterer who stole their food] You know, this is very unprofessional if you ask me. Larry: It's completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career's been based on being unprofessional. Caterer: [regarding the leftovers] Uhm, I'm really not sure that everything survived the trip here, so.. Larry: "Survived the trip here"? Where did you come from? The Sudan? Beloved Aunt [1.8] Jeff: How did she die? Larry: Killed herself. Jeff: No, she didn't. Larry: Killed herself. Jeff: Why? Larry: Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. That is so rude, isn't it? Jeff: That's really rude. Larry: I mean, if you leave your house for ten minutes to go get a container of milk, you tell somebody where you went. Jeff: I let my wife know before I go anywhere. Larry: Yeah. Would it have killed her to leave a note? Cheryl's Dad: But we have to continue. Relative: We must go on. Larry: Must go on! Can't go on! Must go on! Larry: [stuffing fruit in his mouth] How many do you think I can get in my mouth at a time? [Larry walks in on Cheryl's family after they finished reading the obituary. They all glare at him] Larry: What? Cheryl: "What?" We got a paper, that's what! Cheryl's Dad: "Devoted sister, beloved cunt"?! [showing Larry the paper] That's what you put in the paper?! Larry: [In shock] This is a typo! It should be "aunt"! Cheryl: Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in? Larry: They have proofreaders at papers! Susie: [after reading the obituary, to Jeff] Do me a favor. When I die, let someone else handle the obit, OK? Jeff: You gotta go. Larry: What? Jeff: You gotta go. Larry: The hell are you talking about? Jeff: You copped a feel off my mom, you gotta go. Larry: Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick! Jeff: It's what she thinks. What can I say? Sweet dreams. Larry: "Sweet dreams". I'll dream about fucking your mother. "Sweet dreams." Jeff: Do me a favor. Let me take care of the sunglasses. Larry: The sunglasses? Jeff: Give them to me, let me take care of them. Larry: You want me to give a gift now? Jeff: You gave it to her. Larry: After this "entertaining" evening? Jeff: C'mon, you gave it to her. Larry: I don't think so. No. Jeff: That's called "Indian giving". Larry: Yes, I know what it's called. It's a very racist term but I'm okay with that. Craig: Hi, Larry! Larry: Hey, buddy! Hey, thanks for ratting me out to Becky, really appreciated it. Craig: I did not rat you out. Larry: You told her everything we talked about. And I told you not to say anything. Craig: Well, that's your problem. Larry: What a jerk. Craig: Oh, I'm a jerk? Is that right? [starts to roll up sleeves] Larry: Oh boy, oh boy. What are you going to do beat me up? Craig: Maybe I will. Larry: Go ahead! Take a shot! Affirmative Action [1.9] Richard: Dr. Grambs, this is my friend, Larry David. Larry: Hi, how you doing? Richard: He's my dermatologist. Larry: Really? Richard: Yeah, for what, fifteen years already? Larry: Even with the whole affirmative action thing? Larry: Why don't we just call your doctor? Cheryl: You can't call my doctor on the weekends, unless it's a life threatening emergency. Larry: What? Cheryl: Yeah, if you call his machine, it'll tell you you can't page him. Larry: You called up and that's what it said? Cheryl: Yeah. Larry: That is obscene, you know that? [imitating the doctor] "Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend! Don't call the Dr. Zeppler on the weekend unless it's life-threatening!" Cheryl: OK, OK. Larry: [imitates the doctor's wife] "Norman, is someone calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!" Cheryl: Larry... Larry: "This better be life-threatening or you're not gonna leave this house!" Cheryl: Larry, please. I'm begging you. Larry: "Norman! Unless they were burned in a fire I don't want you getting up from your chair. Do you understand, Norman?" [after figuring out the navigation system for his car] Larry: I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me! When I tell my father I figured out out that navigation system, he's gonna flip his wig! And he's got one too! Cheryl: Can we turn on the radio? Larry: Oh, he's gonna be very proud of Larry figuring out the navigation system! Cheryl: Please. Larry: "Daddy, I'm not so stupid!" The Group [1.10] [Larry has been forced to go to an incest survivor group as support for his ex-girlfriend]: Larry: My name is Todd, and I'm an incest survivor. Incest Survivor Group: Hi, Todd. Larry: Hello, I had sex with my uncle when I was 12. He lived in Great Neck, he was a doctor. An osteopath--I don't even know what they do, but I know they're doctors. Something to do with muscles, I think. Neither here nor there. Category:Curb Your Enthusiasm seasons