Mating Season

Mating Season is an American adult animated romantic comedy created by Nick Kroll, Andrew Goldberg, Mark Levin, and Jennifer Flackett, the co-creators who created Big Mouth. The show was released on Netflix in May 22, 2026. Season 1 The Copulatory Tie [1.01] Josh: [exits his house, looking for Olivia] Olivia? Liv? [finds his best friend, Ray, copulating with a female raccoon] Oh! [covers his eyes] Ray: Hey, buddy! Josh: Jesus, Ray! Ray: Come on. We're animals. This is what we do. Female Raccoon: Yeah, don't make it weird, dude. Josh: Oh, I'm sorry! No, I didn't mean to shame anyone! Josh: Ray, have you seen Olivia? Ray: Right! Yeah, Olivia. [laughs nervously] Josh: What? What's wrong? Ray: You know you overslept by, like, two weeks, right? Josh: I did? Ray: Yeah, and Olivia… she gone. Josh: She gone? She gone where? Ray: She's with this new bear, this big motherfucker named Carson. Josh: What?! How could she leave me? It's mating season! Ray: Yeah, I know. Everyone's coupling up big time. [Zoom out, showing all the forest animals coupling with each other while copulating] Rabbit: I'm gonna put 10 to 15 babies in you! Squirrel: Now, I'm not sure how we're gonna make this work physically, but goddamn it, Keith, I love you. Keith: Well, maybe love is enough. Josh: Oh, God! I'm all alone! [starts to sob] [While all the forest animals are attending the funeral of Fawn's mother, Sheila…] Penelope: [to Josh; quietly] By the way, I'm so sorry about Olivia. Josh: [whispering] Am I the only one who didn't know? Penelope: You really overslept! Josh: I'm aware! Penelope: You should have woken up earlier, dude! Josh: [sarcastically] Oh, thank you, Penelope. Ray: How's Fawn doing? Penelope: How do you think? Her mother was killed by a frickin' hunter! She's like Bambi. Ray: Uh, well, Bambi was a child. Josh: And he witnessed the murder. Ray: That's serious trauma. Josh: Yeah, and it clearly affected him as an adult. Penelope: Well, yeah, Bambi was for sure damaged. Ray: That said, what he did to those squirrels was inexcusable. Josh: Of course. Ray: I mean, fully molested those squirrels. Penelope: He fully did. Ray: But then I'm like those parents should have never let those little squirrel kids stay at his ranch. Penelope: Ugh! Don't even get me started on those parents. Cassie: Oh! He's cute. Fawn: All due respect, Cassie, you seem… fine. Cassie: Aw, thank you. Fawn: But what the hell do you see in my dusty old dad? Cassie: Honestly, I love dating older stags. Fawn: Really? Ray: Why? Penelope: Yeah, why? Cassie: 'Cause younger males suck! Ray: Hey! Cassie: They can't pay for dinner, and they're not even remotely dependable, or like, emotionally evolved. They're pathetic. [walks off] Josh: Oh, God. Is that why Olivia left me? Penelope: Of course not. Fawn: Almost certainly. I mean, you guys do suck. Ray: Excuse you! Fawn: [referring to Josh] He's a whimpering mess, [then to Ray] and you have some major mommy issues. Ray: What are you talking about? I have the best and prettiest mommy in the world! Fawn: She tried to eat you. Ray: That's what raccoons do! Penelope: Eh, still. Ray: Hey, my mother is a saint! She brought me into this world, and she has every right to take me out of it! Penelope: Okay! [Later that night… at The Watering Hole bar] Fawn: [proposing a toast] To my father and Cassie, may they both get rabies. Ray: Hey, I know you're hurting right now, Fawn, but that's not so funny. I've actually lost a lot of friends to rabies. Penelope: Oh, no. I'm sorry. Ray: Yeah. Rabies is our AIDS. Also, feline AIDS is our AIDS. Ray: Hello! What do we have here? [gazes at Samantha, a female skunk, dancing on a table] Drunk and dancing on a table? What is this, my quinceañera? Ray: Oh, you gonna spray me? Samantha: You like that, you little freak? Ray: Yeah, express your anal glands all over my goddamn pelt! [Samantha moans as she sprays on him] Oh, shit! Samantha: You dirty bitch. Ray: I fucking stink! Samantha: Get in me, Ray! Get in me! Alan: What the hell?! Fawn: Dad! Charles: Alan! Cassie: Awkward. Charles: My dear friend. I know this must be alarming. Alan: No shit! You're bucking my daughter! Fawn: Well, you're bucking Cassie! She's somebody's daughter too! Cassie: I'm also a yoga teacher. Charles: Well, let's just all just calm down. Fawn is an adult. She can make her own decisions. Alan: Oh, can she? You're twice her age! Fawn: Oh, my God, you're such a hypocrite! Alan: Well, you, young lady, are a… a slut! Fawn: Excuse me?! Cassie: Rude! Charles: Hey. Don't talk to her that way. Alan: She's my daughter, Charles. And I'll talk to her however I want! [starts pawing his hooves on the ground] Charles: Oh, is that how it is? [doing the same thing] Alan: Yeah, that's how it is! Charles: Well, guess what? I can paw at the ground too, motherbucker! Alan: Can you? Can you paw at the ground? I can see that! Charles: Looks like we're both pawing. Alan: LOOKS LIKE IT! Charles: That seems to be the situation. Fawn: Guys, please don't charge each other! Ray: [after Josh accidentally bites off Carson's genitals] What did you do?! Josh: I just… I just bit his dick, like you said! Ray: I didn't say bite it off! Samantha: He bit it off?! Josh: I thought there'd be more resistance! It was like biting into a yam. Ray: Josh, you were just supposed to nip the sack. Olivia: [kneeling down next to Carson as blood gushes out from his genital system; tearfully] We've gotta get him to the hospital! Ray: So, uh, how's it going with the, uh, geezers? Fawn: Ugh, terrible. How's Carson? Olivia: What do you think?! Josh bit off his penis! He's doing bad! Penelope: I love our friend group. The Dating Sites [1.02] Josh: Ugh. Yep, I can see it. Penelope: What? Josh: Hibernation's gonna be here again. And I'll have to sleep all by myself, spooning a rock. Ray: Buddy, Joshie, you know what you gotta do? Josh: Meet a rock? Ray: No! You gotta get back on the horse! Josh: Mmm! You know, I've always wanted to date a horse. Ray: No, dumb-dumb, I meant you gotta get back to dating, pronto. Josh: But how would I even meet somebody? It seems impossible. Penelope: Oh, yeah, it is. Fawn: It's a nightmare. Josh: Ugh. Fawn: The dating sites, they're a shitshow filled with the detritus of society. Ray: I thought it was "de-tritus." Geoffrey: Fun fact, it can actually be pronounced either way. Ray: Not this fucking owl again. [shoves him aside] Fawn: Yeah, you're not a part of the group. Geoffrey: [dances on the table] Sure I am! Ray: Oh, my God, get lost! Penelope: Yeah, we are not friends! Geoffrey: We will be! [flies away] Fawn: Jesus! Ray: This fucking guy! Fawn: Penelope, what's going on? Penelope: You don't like pussy or mushrooms! Fawn: I do, if they're cooked in a Marsala. Penelope: You know, you don't fucking know anything, okay? You know what this is?! Fawn: [scoffs] What? Penelope: Hen of the Woods! You know what this is?! Red reishi! Fawn: You're not giving me time to answer! Penelope: You know what this is?! A rock! Trick question! Fawn: What is wrong with you? Penelope: What's wrong with me?! Fawn: Yeah! Penelope: I'll tell you what! You're stealing my thing! You don't belong here! [The other lesbians gasp in shock] Alex: Hold on. Your breaking rule #1. You're coming down with bad vibes. Lesbian Honey Badger: Seriously, Penelope. Alex: Your ass needs to leave. Penelope: You know what? Fine, "lesbians." But I'm taking my Hen of the Woods, and I'm taking this rock! And guess what, I'm taking Nancy's guitar! Nancy: [hugging her guitar, tightly] No! I couldn't have children! This guitar is all I have! [starts sobbing] Fawn: Jesus, Penelope! Alex: You made Nancy talk? Penelope: [angrily] You… Ugh. You can all eat my juicy asshole! Except for you, Fawn! No butt for you! [storms off] Fawn: I don't even want butt! Penelope: [muttering angrily while plucking mushrooms] Ugh. Stupid Fawn. Good luck foraging with Alex when I've picked every mushroom in the forest! Maizy: You sold my underwear? Ray: I very much did, yes, but you can take any pair you want from this box… Maizy: Ew! Ray: I'll even throw in this rusty thermos. Maizy: Oh, my God! You have a whole box of used underpants?! Ray: Oh, no. No, no, no. Macey, these are my treasured memories. Maizy: That you sold to some pervert? Ray: Dave's not a pervert. He's a creep. Maizy: He poured soup into your underwear. Ew! Oh, my God! Ray: Does that make you feel any better? Maizy: Ugh, no! I thought you were cute and fun. Ray: I am cute and fun. Maizy: You're sad and disgusting, Ray! And on behalf of all the females in the forest, I am taking these! [angrily takes the box out of his hands and heads to the front door] Ray: What? No! Not my treasured stink box! Maizy: Ugh! You do not get to sell any more panties, you repulsive trash panda! Ray: Okay, that is a slur, and it's hurtful. But just to be clear, so… so we're not having sex again? Maizy: Yes. Ray: Yes, we are? Maizy: No! Ray: No, we are? Maizy: No, we're not having sex! Ray: Why not?! Maizy: Because… YOU'RE CREEPY RAY! Ugh! [leaves, slamming the door closed] The Lull [1.03] Fawn: [walking along with Zeke] Okay, fine. I guess I'd fuck Alvin, marry Simon, and kill Theodore? Zeke: You'd kill Theodore? He's the cutest one. Fawn: One of those chipmunks has to die. Those are the rules. Ray: Honestly, I would kill for a lull. Penelope: Really? Ray: Yeah, I've been seeing this bunny, McKayleigh. Fawn: Ridiculous name. Ray: And I really like her. But she's insatiable. Fawn: Well, she is a bunny. Ray: Okay, but by the fifth or sixth time, Lil' Raymond Valentine isn't, you know, at full salute. I can't keep up! Penelope: But sex is like your whole thing. Ray: Exactly. It's my whole identity! It's who I am! Without it, I'm just gorgeous in the face. Josh: [showing up; dejectedly] Hey, guys. Fawn: What's the matter with you? Josh: Ugh, I haven't slept. My parents were up all night making rumble tumble. Ray: Wow. Penelope: Good for them! Josh: No, not good for them! Bad for them! And bad for Joshie! Ray: I can't believe your dad's still getting it up at his age. Go, Robert. Fawn: He's probably taking horny goat weed. Josh: You think? Fawn: Yeah. A lot of older guys do. And I'm sure my dad does because he's been bragging about his "stamina." Penelope: Ugh, the wrong parent died. Fawn: Thank you. You know, Ray, maybe you should try some horny goat weed for your little problem. Ray: [spitting out his drink] What?! Excuse you! I don't need pills. I'm young. I'm in my prime. Celeste: [magically appearing; menacingly] You will die! Ray: What's that now? Celeste: I am Celeste the Psychic. Heed my warning, trash cat. You will die before this week is through. Unless… Ray: Unless what? Celeste: Unless you pay me to read your cards. Ray: Wow, McKayleigh, that was fulfilling. McKayleigh: [laughing] Wow. So fulfilling. So good. Ray: Yeah, especially the big finale, right? McKayleigh I loved when you put your face in the pillow, and just said… [impersonating him in an angry manner] "Come on, Ray, focus!" Ray: Yeah, ladies love that. Anyway, I think since we're both deeply satisfied, [turns off the light] we can now go to sleep, right? McKayleigh: Oh, I mean, I don't know. I could go again. Ray: [unconvinced] You could go again! Even better than stopping! Celeste: I need you to focus on what your heart desires most. Penelope: Uh, I feel like I should want to reverse climate change? Celeste: Boo, boring. Also, too late. Penelope: Oh, bummer. Okay, well... [sighs] Maybe my heart desires love? Celeste: A little cliché, but we'll go with "love." Ray: [entering the bathroom] Oh, you're doing great, buddy! Everybody's talking about it! Just gotta give you your special vitamin, make you a big boy. Although, if I was a stud on one pill, what would happen if I took all the pills? Ooh, I'd be a freakin' sex god! [laughs manically] Josh: Oh, no! Did somebody steal your bоnеr pills, you stupid old bitch? Robert: I'm gonna kill him! Josh: Oh, shit! Him is me! Robert: You freeloading bastard, where are they?! Josh: What? I... I have no idea what you're talking about. Robert: I know you stole my hоrny goat weed! Josh: I don't even know what that is. Is that for like OMSD? Robert: What the hell is OMSD? Josh: I think it stands for, um… "old man soft dіck"? The Truth About Canada [1.04] Penelope: Shut the door! I don't want them to see me like this. Fawn: Oh, God, what's going on? Penelope: I'm burrowing, okay?! Foxes do this when we're upset! Fawn: What are you so upset about? Penelope: I'm not upset! Fuck you! And NOTHING HAPPENED IN CANADA! [Evening at Penelope's family house… Bethany is explaining about one of the hounds chasing Penelope into the woods while the family is having dinner] Bethany: And then the hound chased Pen into the woods. I thought they were gonna rip her tit to taint! Penelope's Dad: [strictly] This is exactly why you're not supposed to go near that farm! Penelope: Dad, she's being dramatic, okay? Penelope's Dad: Hounds are vicious, vile animals! Penelope's Mom: They won't stop until we're all dead and stuffed with sawdust. Penelope's Dad: With glass eyeballs! Penelope: Guys! We're fine! Penelope's Mom: What if you ended up like Judy O'Doherty's son? Penelope's Dad: Torn to pieces! Penleope: What? Penelope's Mom: They found his head in the woods and his rump in the river, Penelope. He was gonna be an optometrist! Penelope: Is that a good job? Or… Penelope's Mom: [sternly] You listen to me, young lady. This is not a game. You are not to go near that farm ever again. Understand? Penelope: Yes, I understand. Bethany: [catching Penelope sneaking off, after snooping on the forbidden romance of her and Summer] Where do you think you're going? Penelope: Jesus! Bethany, you scared the scat out of me. Bethany: I know you've been sneaking around with that hound. Penelope: [gasps in shock] I have no idea what you're talking about. Bethany: Don't play dumb! I saw you have, like, 11 orgasms. You got finger blasted in a river… Penelope: Would you shut up, you little creep?! [trying to keep her quiet] Bethany: [yelps] Mom! Dad! Penelope's Dad: Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? Bethany: Penelope's been sneaking off and hooking up with a hound! Penelope's Dad: What?! Penelope's Mom: Is this true? Penelope: Yes, it's true! We're in love! Penelope's Mom: That's ridiculous! Penelope's Dad: Penelope, you are a fox. She is a hound! Penelope: We're in a cave! This is a rock. Who cares? Penelope's Father: Oh, my God! The whole filthy pack must have our scent by now! Penelope's Mom: We need to leave immediately! Penelope: What? Penelope's Dad: If we stay, they'll track us, kill us in our sleep, tear open our insides and use our intestines as scarves! Penelope: Dad, you've got to stop watching Fox News! Penelope's Mom: Both of you, pack up your things. We leave a daybreak. Penelope: [throws down her suitcase] NO! You don't even know Summer! She would never hurt us! Penelope's Mom: I know she ain't nothing but a hound dog. Penelope's Dad: And she is not a friend of ours! Penelope: [reaching her breaking point, on the verge of tears] YOU GUYS ARE RUINING MY LIFE! [runs out of the window, and heads towards the farm] Fawn: [to Josh and Ray] What the fuck are you guys doing here? Ray: I'm in the pack! Josh: I'm also here. Fawn: Yes, I can see that, Josh, but why? Josh: Because it's a full moon! [howls along with Ray, Dylan, and all the other wolves] And, when we went to the dump… Ray: Which rocked ass! Josh: I got the perfect gift for Olivia. [takes out a pair of nunchucks] Ta-fucking-da, bitch. Fawn: Nunchucks? Ray: Yeah. You can smack stuff with 'em. Show her, Josh. Josh: [swings them around, breaking stuff, and accidentally hits himself in the snout] Ow! My snout! Fawn: [takes them out of his hand] You think Olivia wants a karate weapon from the dump for her anniversary? Ray: You know, when a lady says it, it really does sound like a crappy gift. Josh: Oh, man! [runs out of the house] Somebody help me! What do girls like?! Fawn: [to Dylan] I think it's insane that there's a full-blown party in my house right now. It's 4:00 in the morning! Dylan: Babe, it's a sacred night, and they're our guests. Fawn: They're your guests, who you invited without asking me. Dylan: But… Fawn: And they're trashing our house. Dylan: It's a full-- Fawn: [swinging the nunchucks] No! If you say "full moon" again! Ray & Wolves: Full moon! Fawn: [throws down the nunchucks, angrily having enough] That's it! EVERYONE OUT, RIGHT NOW! [opens the door, kicking Ray and all the other wolves out of the house] Ray: Come on, sweetheart. Let's get out of here. Dylan: [after Fawn slams the door closed] What the hell was that? Fawn: I am not doing this right now. I'm going (back) to sleep. Dylan: Babe… Fawn: No! [points to the sofa] That's your bed tonight! Bad wolf! Fawn: [sarcastically when she sees the living room still in a mess that Dylan didn't clean up after the full moon party] Good. You didn't clean up. Dylan: [waking up; annoyed] Good morning to you too. Can we talk about you kicking my pack out last night, or do you need to stomp off again like a Clydesdale? Fawn: Oh, we doing insults? You smell like fucking shit, buddy. Dylan: Very mature. Fawn: And you were the asshole last night. The Hot Mess [1.05] Ray: You know what, Josh? Josh: What? Ray: [outraged] I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! Gina: Hi ya, boys. Ray: Va-va-voom! Josh: Did you just "va-va-voom" your own mom? Ray: Yeah! Gina: Mom? Ew! Call me Gina. Ray: You know, try to yuck my yum with Gina. Josh: I'm not trying to yuck your yum, I'm trying to protect you. Ray: Well, who asked you? I never see my mom! Let me enjoy it! Josh: Look, Ray, I really didn't want to have to tell you this, but… Your mom, she tried to seduce me. Ray: You fuck my mom? Josh: What? No, of course not! Ray: Oh! So what are you saying? You're too good to fuck my mom?! Josh: What is wrong with you? Ow! Ray: You should be so lucky, friend! The things she could teach you! Josh: Yeah, like how incredible penicillin is? Ray: Yeah! Josh: Oh, my God! Ray, she is a bad mom! Ray: Well, you are a bad friend! Josh: Oh! Well, you're a… fool! Ray: Oh, really?! Well, then you're not invited to my birthday party! Josh: Good, I don't want to go to a fool's birthday party! Ray: Good, because I don't want you there! Josh: Well, good luck planning this event without me, because the caterer is an absolute nightmare to deal with! The Horse Who Loved Me [1.06] Ray: [looking over his shopping list] All right, let's see. I got a rusty fan, refrigerator door, mangled shoe. Josh: Ray… Ray: All I've got is statement pieces. I need basics. God, why is junk so expensive these days? Josh: Ugh, we've been shopping all morning. Can we please just go home? Ray: No, I gotta fill up my place again. Ever since my mom took all my stuff, I feel like such a loser. Josh: Okay, well, with all due respect, I am a way bigger loser than you are. Ray: What? No! Josh: I have no money and no prospects. I'm already a burden to my parents. And I'm frightened. Ray: Huh! I think you are a bigger loser than I am. [Watering Hole bar; A heartbroken Zeke tells Ray, Fawn, and Penelope about Carlos breaking up with him] Ray: I'm sorry. Help me out, Zeke. Who… Who's Carlos? I barely know who you are. Fawn: Carlos is the moose who helped him figure out he's gay. Okay, so, Zeke, what exactly did he say? Zeke: [sobs] He said… [Flashback at Zeke's house] Carlos: I don't want to be your boyfriend. Zeke: [weeping] But I love you! Carlos: No, you don't. Name one thing you love about me. Zeke: That you're… That you're gay? [Back to the present] Penelope: Oh, God, Zeke. Zeke: But he is! Fawn: Okay, what happened next? Zeke: He said… [Flashback resumes] Carlos: You're a baby gay, and I'm not looking to change diapers. Zeke: What does that even mean? Carlos: It means that you're fresh out of the closet. You should be going fuck crazy. Get out there! Get laid! Zeke: [weeping emotionally] But you just said I'm a baby! That's wrong! [Back to the present again] Ray: Zeke, you foolish moose. [slaps him in the face three times] This… Is… A… Gift! Zeke: Please stop hitting me. Fawn: I mean, Ray does have a point. You've only slept with one guy. Ray: Exactly. You gotta get out there and put your thing in their thing. And then, if you're down, they'll put their thing in your thing. And then, I don't know, you guys all go to the gym? Zeke: So you want me to just go out there and have a bunch of random bad sex? Ray: Yeah! Fawn: Even the bad sex is educational. It teaches you what good sex is. [Fawn, Penelope, and Zeke enter The Boneyard bar, where all the male animals are partying] Zeke: Whoa! This place is insane. Fawn: The smell is interesting. Penelope: Like shit, but not quite? Fawn: It's shit-adjacent. Penelope: I like it! Zeke: So, how do I even do this? Do I go to them, or do they come to me? Fawn: What? Zeke: I've heard of a glory hole. Is that gonna happen now? Cody: Sweetie, you like pussy, and this is a gay bar! Penelope: But aren't we all part of one queer community built on acceptance and harmony? Cody: Ew, shut up. You have your space. We have ours. Now go back to the Beaver Dam and sip on some natural wine. Penelope: What? Fawn: [whispering softly] Actually, that does sound nice. Penelope: No! No, this is so fucked up! You can't just kick us out of here! Cody: [scoffs] Typical cranky lesbian. Penelope: The fuck you just say to me?! [attempts to pulverize him while Fawn tries to hold her back] I'm usually so fucking cheerful! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT MADE ME CRANKY! Fawn: Pen, it's not worth it. Penelope: Oh, this isn't over! You hear me?! Cody: Whatever. Penelope: And good luck when you need help building a deck, you piece of shit! Geoffrey: All right, who's ready for some trivia? Penelope: [facepalms in annoyance] Ugh. No! Fawn: [annoyed] Fuck me! You're the trivia host? Geoffrey: That is right! Cody: We love Geoffrey! Penelope: Of course you do. Fawn: Why don't you just be friends with them and stop bothering us? Geoffrey: [turning his head to face them; whispering] They're not really my speed. They're so needy. [twirls his head, creeping them out] Penelope: Ew! Don't whisper to me. Fawn: Don't do that head thing. The Polycule [1.07] Penelope: Okay, now... now this piece I love! Fawn: Are you kidding? It's literally feces smeared on a canvas. Penelope: Oh, my God, it's art! Fawn: Please, I could do that. Penelope: Fawn, don't you see? We're the feces! The world is the canvas! Fawn: Well, looks like shit to me. Fawn: Call me "old-fashioned," or "trad," or "skinny," but when I'm with a guy, I want him all to myself. Penelope: Okay, sure. But honestly, no one's lining up for to do monogamy with me. Fawn: Come on, Pen. Penelope: No, no, it's okay. Maybe I'm not meant to be somebody's everything. But I'm sure I could be somebody's something. Rabbit Brother #1: [referring to Fawn and Ralph kissing] Okay, what about those two? Siblings or dating? Rabbit Brother #2: Well, they're making out, so siblings? Rabbit Brother #1: Yeah. Definitely siblings. Rabbit Brother #2: Come here, bro. Rabbit Brother #1: Oh, fuck, bro. Gus: Mmm, cuddle puddle. This is what it's all about. Warmth and closeness without penetration. Josh: Hey, Gus, I hope this isn't too forward, but I'd like to make you tiny little clothes. Gus: Ooh, and I would wear them! Ray: Ugh. Cuddling without sеx? Josh: Just try to enjoy it. Here, stroke this tail. Ray: That's my tail! Ugh! This is not what I came here for! Josh: Just relax into the cuddle. Ray: [taking a whiff of something; sniffing] Wait. Wait a minute. I'm smelling something. [follows the scent] Sweat. Anal secretions. Ooh, lubricant? [pokes his head through a bush and finds some animals having a sex party] Ho, ho, ho, it's an orgy! Here I come, my fellow heathens! Nina: [grabs him by the tail] Ah-ah-ah! 29 more days. Ray: Oh! Uh, Nina, hey! Surely we can fast-track the process for someone who… you know, doesn't want to wait. Nina: Uh, sorry, Ray. Gus: Ray, I admire how you always speak your mind. Ray: [flipping him off in annoyance] Eat shit, Gus. Gus: Oh! Just like that. Ray: Hey, whoa, whoa. What am I even signing? Gus: It's an incident report. Josh: Because you broke the rules. Ray: Oh, grow up. Nina: And if it happens again, we'll be forced to ask you to leave. Gus: We'd hate to do that. Ray: Shut up, Gus. Your beret looks stupid. [Gus gasps in heartbreak shock] Josh: Ray! [grabs him and drags him outside] What the hell is wrong with you?! I made him that beret! That's one of the best berets I've ever made! Ray: This place is bullshit! A polycule is supposed to be about freeing ourselves from the rules of monogamy. Josh: No-- Ray: But now, there's just new other rules. Josh: The rules protect us! Without them, it's anarchy! Ray: That's exactly what I want! Sexual chaos with like-minded freaks. I'm tired of the tyranny. Josh: Ray, you are so selfish! Ray: Josh, I created a sexual paradise for myself to enjoy. How is that selfish? Josh: Did you ever stop to think that this place made me feel valued and loved for the first time in, like, forever? Ray: Um… No? Josh: Yeah! Because you didn't care about my feelings! You didn't care about anybody's feelings! The Passion of Raynal Skidski [1.08] Penelope: Hey. Who am I? [imitating Arnold] "It's not fun if you don't try it, Josh!" Josh: [also imitating Arnold] "I'm gonna hit this pinecone right in your pussy!" Penelope: "Awesome-sauce!" [bleats] Josh: This is fun. Yeah… Penelope: It's so fun. I wish I could find this, you know, but with a girl. Josh: Yes, me too, but with a girl who likes boys because I'm… I'm a boy. Penelope: Wait, I just had an amazing idea. And it's not just 'cause I'm high. I mean, it might be, but it's good. Josh: Okay? Penelope: What if… what we have right here is exactly… Josh: …what we've been looking for… Both: All along! Penelope: Yes! We don't need some idealized concept of romance. We can be gaga for each other. Josh: Yes, like a platonic couple! Penelope: Friends with emotional benefits! Josh: Penelope, you are a genius. Penelope: No, we are a genius, baby. Fawn: [entering the house; dejected] Hey, guys. Josh: Fawn, Fawn, Fawn! We figured it out! We don't need to date other animals, because we are a platonic couple. [he and Penelope hug together] Fawn: Isn't that just friendship? Penelope: Hey, don't diminish our bond when you're the one dating the "bro-goat" from hell. Fawn: Ugh, I know. I have to dump Arnold, right? Josh: Oh, yeah. He's awful. Penelope: He kinda makes me think less of you. Josh: He's a cunt. [Ray and Addy appear] Ray: Hi, guys! This is Addy. Josh & Penelope: Hi, Addy. Ray: To me, she is my girlfriend. Together, we more than like each other. Now you may clap. Addy: [chuckles] Thank you, Ray. That was quite an introduction. Fawn: Have you two just been doing bong rips all day? Penelope: Absolutely. Josh: Affirmative. Penelope: Yeah, some of us actually like spending time with our partners. Fawn: I like spending time with Arnold! Josh: You don't. No one does. Fawn: In fact, I'm meeting his "parental units" tonight. Josh: Really? Penelope: Yikes. Fawn: Which is what he calls them, and I think that's cool. Josh: Oh, Fawn... Penelope: Yeah, that is not cool. Fawn: Hey, don't pity me! At least I'm in a real relationship. Penelope: Uh, so are we. Fawn: Oh, yeah? What about sеx? Are you just gonna never hɑvе sеx again? Josh: [laughs] Okay. You know what? For your information, every few hours, I go into the bathroom, and I spank the monkey like he tried to escape from a pharmaceutical laboratory. Fawn: Ew. Penelope: Yeah, and while he's doing that, I am tantalizing my own nethers right here on the couch! Fawn: [sighs and heads to the front door] Oh, my God. Arnold might be profoundly annoying, but at least I'm getting laid. [leaves] Josh: Wow. Okay, can you believe her? [laughs] She's... She's obsessed with sеx. Penelope: Yeah! I mean, who needs sеx? Ray: Hey, Gregg. Gregg: Hi, Ray! Ray: You know, Addy would really like it if you and I were friends. Gregg: Oh! Well-- Ray: And, as a token of my esteem, I brought you this baseball signed by Pete Rose that says, "I'm sorry for betting on baseball." Gregg: Wow! Thanks, Ray. Ray: Uh-huh. Gregg: Well, I'm glad things are going so well. You're a very lucky raccoon. Ray: Lucky? What, uh… What's that supposed to mean? Gregg: Nothing! It's just… I mean, Addy's amazing. Ray: And what, Gregg, I'm not? Is that what you're saying? That she's too good for me? Gregg: No! Ray: Oh, I knew it! You think because you both got your long necks and your good voices, and your pecker goes corkscrew like this, and her wawa goes corkscrew like that?! You'd be a perfect match?! Gregg: Hey, buddy, are you having sexual problems? Ray: [losing control of his temper] YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN BEAK! [starts strangling him by the neck] The All-Nighter [1.09] Ray: Dylan, my man! Penelope: Wait, that's Dylan? The "best lover you ever had because the connection wasn't just physical, it was spiritual" Dylan? Fawn: Yep. And here he comes. Ray: Guys, look! It's Dylan! Dylan: Uh, hey, Fawn. Fawn: Hey. Ray: Dude, what the hell are you doing here? Dylan: Oh, I'm actually, uh, here for my bachelor party. Wolves: Bachelor party! [howling] Fawn: Whoa. [laughs nervously] You're getting married? Dylan: Yeah, she's an antelope. Her name is Cynthia. Fawn: An antelope, so, like, a more athletic deer. Ray: Is she hot? Oh, I bet she's hot! Fawn: Ray! Dylan: Um, you guys should come to the wedding. Fawn: What? Dylan: Yeah! A bunch of her cousins ran into an electric fence, so we have an empty table. Fawn: Oh, absolutely not. Ray: Absolutely yes! Dylan: Fawn, wait! Fawn: Leave me alone, Dylan! Dylan: Just listen. I am sorry you had to find out this way. But there is no good way to tell your ex you're getting married. Fawn: I don't care that you're getting married. Dylan: Then what is it? Fawn: [sighs] It's that you're getting married and you told me you couldn't be tamed! But now, somehow, you got magically tamed for her. Dylan: Well, I mean, I didn't mean to. It just sort of happened. Fawn: [sarcastically] Okay. No, I got it now. So it's just that you didn't love me enough to change for me. Dylan: Hey, I was devastated when we broke up! It has been a long journey for me. Fawn: [angrily] Are you shitting my dick, buddy? AJ: Listen, buddy! If you know what's good for you, you'll stay the fuck away from her! Josh: First of all, I'm not your buddy. Second of all, the name is Spike. AJ: Cool name! Josh: [menacingly] Thank you. Now get your paws off my girl! Simone: Oh! AJ: You fucking idiot! You think she gives a shit about you?! Simone: Shut up, AJ. Spike is more of a mammal than you'll ever be! Ray: [mocking Penelope] "Oh, I'm Penelope. I want Ray to feel his feelings. Boo-hoo." Penelope: Bad impression. Stop that. Ray: No! I'm not gonna stop, because I'm mad and you should be too! Penelope: I am mad! At you! Ray: Me?! You should be mad at Summer! That stupid mutt left you to drown like a pile of trash! Penelope: What?! No, that is not what happened! Ray: If that bitch… Penelope: Do not call her-- Ray: …actually gave a shit about you, [sneering] she'd be here right now! Penelope: Shut up, Ray! Ray: But she's not. Because she's probably up in Canada, sixty-nining a fucking wolverine-- Penelope: [fully enraged] SHUT UP! [violently punches him in the face, knocking him out unconscious] The Wolf Wedding [1.10] Fawn: Guys… I don't think I can do it. I actually like Cynthia. Penelope: What? Fawn: Before she was just some abstract obstacle, but now I know the victim. Ray: Ah, like most murderers. Cynthia: [clinking her glass to get everyone's attention] Hey, everyone! Uh, Dylan and I wanted to thank you all so much for coming to our rehearsal dinner. Please enjoy the open bar, because my dad's paying. Cynthia's Dad: [laughs] Okay, but just two drinks each. Cynthia: Hey, I'm his only child! Go crazy! Josh: Oh, gosh. She is delightful. Fawn: Exactly! I can't steal her fiancé. I don't care how luscious his bone is. Penelope: [looking at a stack of cupcakes on the table] Speaking of luscious, nobody'll notice if I just take a little… [eats a piece of frosting] Jojo: Mmm, naughty, naughty. Penelope: [yelps in surprise] Yeah, you caught me. I'm disgusting! Jojo: No. No, you are not. You are a scamp. Penelope: Is scamp good? Jojo: Hell, yeah! You follow your own rules. And I gotta say you look damn fine doing it. [gives her the drawing] See what I mean? Penelope: Wow! This is what I look like to you? Jojo: Well, I did have to tone it down a little. I mean, there are children around. David: [gazing at the drawing] Whoa! I think my nuts just dropped. David's Mom: David! Don't look at that filth! [sensually] That's for mommy's eyes only. Penelope: [meeting up with Ray on the beach] Why are you up so early? Ray: I couldn't sleep. I'm too horny. I gotta get laid soon or I'm gonna choke on my backed up jizz. What are you doing up? Penelope: I had sex with Jojo all night on the beach. Ray: Oh! Penelope: I feel terrible. Ray: Ah, you got sand in the pipes, huh? Penelope: What? Ray: Okay, what you want to do, and this is gonna sound counterintuitive-- Penelope: Ray. Ray: But you need to put more sand in. Penelope: Ugh! My pipes are fine. Ray: So then what's the problem? Penelope: I caught feelings! Bad! Ray: Oh! Penelope: I haven't felt like this since I was with Summer. Ray: So you like her! That's a good thing! Penelope: I can't even look at her without thinking about how sad I'll be when I go home. Ray: Oh, come on! Whatever happened to having a fling? You know, taking a page out of my slutty little book. Penelope: Ray, I gotta be honest. I only skimmed your book. Ray: What? But your notes, they were so insightful and specific! Penelope: I know! Ray: I did a page one rewrite. Fawn: You told me you love me! You told me you couldn't stop thinking about me! Dylan: Well, I… I do love you. Fawn: Oh, yeah? Dylan: But I also love Cynthia. Fawn: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Cynthia! I just screwed over that sweet antelope for no reason. Dylan: I'm not sure what to do here. Do you want a hug? Fawn: Get the fuck out, Dylan! Penelope: How'd Cynthia take it? Fawn: [sighs] I couldn't do it. She looked too happy. Penelope: What? But she deserves to know the truth! Fawn: Pen, just stop. Maybe last night was a one-time thing, and it's out of his system. Lots of guys have a last fling, right? Ray: Yes! Everybody fucks a deer the night before their wedding. My uncle rimmed an entire herd. Fawn: Does anyone else but Ray have a take? Gus: Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to witness the union of Cynthia Mulroney and Dylan McDermott. Josh: Whoa. Penelope: Some names. Gus: The bride and groom have elected to write their own vows. [gives Dylan the microphone] Dylan, knock my socks off. Dylan: [clears throat] Cynthia, when I close my eyes… I think of you. Fawn: Huh? Dylan: When I wake up in the morning, I think of you. Fawn: You've gotta be kidding me. Dylan: The way you laugh, the way you talk, the way you look at me before we kiss. Fawn: [incredulously] This asshole's got one fucking move. Gus: Oh, wow. My shoes are gonna stink, because my socks are all the way off. Cynthia. Cynthia: [as Dylan passes the microphone to her; laughs softly] Dylan, meeting you has changed my life. I know that I may seem confident and self-assured, but inside, I… never really felt like I deserved love. Fawn: Ouch. Cynthia: It wasn't until I met you that I truly learned to like myself. Fawn: Oh, Cynthia… Cynthia: Because if you love me, then I guess I must be good. [Fawn exhales deeply] Gus: Now, if anyone here knows of any reason why these two cuties shouldn't be married, please speak now or forever hold your peace… [echoes] Fawn: [as Josh and Penelope's words float around in her head; then gives in] God damn it. [standing up] I do! I know a reason! Gus: Ooh! Speak now. Cynthia: Fawn? Dylan: [softly] What are you doing? Fawn: [sighs softly] Cynthia… I know how it feels to think you don't deserve love. Goose Guest: We can't hear you in the back, honey! Speak up! Fawn: [loudly] I know what it's like to think you don't deserve love! Guest: Whoa, we're not deaf! Fawn: Ugh. [in normal tone] That you're only special if a guy makes you feel special. But you're amazing. Cynthia: [awkwardly] Okay… Fawn: And you don't have to hinge your self-worth on anyone else, much less Dylan, because… Dylan and I-- Goat Guest: Dylan and I slept together last week! Beaver Guest: What?! He fucked me three days ago! Cynthia: Are you kidding me? Meghan: Um, excuse me. He also slept with me yesterday. Lexi: Meghan! Ray: God, I picked the wrong beaver. Gus: Full disclosure, I did suck him off before the precession, but only to help him relax. Dylan: Well, it did help. Fawn: This is a nightmare. Cynthia: [pissed off] Dylan, what the fuck?! [throws her bouquet of flowers at him in the chest] Dylan: Babe, I'm so sorry! I thought I could be tame, but I'm a wild animal! [rips off his uniform] Ray: Thank you! Someone finally said it! We're all wild animals! Why are any of us getting married? Why are we staying at a hotel?! Why are we wearing clothes?! Penelope: [as she and Josh try to calm him down] Not the time! Josh: Uh-uh. Cynthia: Hey, Uncle Doug, you still got that medieval sword? Uncle Doug: [wields out his medieval sword from his scabbard] FOR NARNIA! [Cynthia watches in satisfaction as her family chase Dylan off into the sunset] Penelope: [seeing Jojo as she and Fawn exit Josh's house] Oh! Hey, babe. What are you doing here? [kisses her in the cheek] Jojo: Well, um, somebody came by our place looking for you. Summer: [walking out of the shadows] Um, surprise. Penelope: Summer? Fawn: Holy shit. Penelope: What are you… What are you doing here? Summer: I've been looking everywhere for you. I… I made a huge mistake. I love you. And I want to be with you. Penelope: Oh! [laughs nervously] Wow. This is… awkward. Ray: [from Josh's bedroom window] What's happening out there? Penelope: [loudly] Um, Summer just showed up and said she still loves me. Ray: Wow! Penelope: And Jojo looks… pretty cool with it? No! I didn't read that right. She's mad. Ray: [laughing] That is… That's gotta be awkward! Is it awkward? Fawn: [loudly] Yeah, Ray! It's awkward. [Penelope laughs nervously] Ray: Is she still there? Fawn: Yeah, Ray. We're all still here. Ray: Hi, Summer! Summer: Hi, Ray. Ray: Hi, Jojo! Jojo: Hello, Ray. Ray: [laughing] Oh, yeah. She does sound upset. Ah, Penelope, you really should've read my book! Cast Zach Woods – Josh Nick Kroll – Raynal "Ray" Skidski June Diane Raphael – Fawn Sabrina Jalees – Penelope Timothy Olyphant – Dylan McDerrmott Abbi Jacobson – Summer Jack McBrayer – Geoffrey Annaleigh Ashford – Addy Ana Gasteyer – Ellen Clancy Brown – Robert Pamela Segall Adlon – Gina Drew Tarver – Zeke Lena Waithe – Alex Sarah Silverman – Samantha Jason Alexander – Alan David Duchovny – Charles Toks Olagundoye – Claudia Natalie Morales – Cynthia Mulroney Matt Rogers – Cody Mitra Jouhari – McKayleigh Carlos Alazraqui – Esteban Laurie Rogers – Darma Nicole Byer – Jojo External links Category:2020s American drama TV shows