The West Wing

The West Wing (1999–2006) is an American serial political drama television series created by Aaron Sorkin that was originally broadcast on NBC. The series is set primarily in the West Wing of the White House, where the Oval Office and offices of presidential senior personnel are located, during the fictitious Democratic administration of President Josiah Bartlet. __NOTOC__ Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5 Season 6 Season 7 Pilot In the Shadow of Two Gunmen (1) Isaac and Ishmael 20 Hours in America (1) 7A WF 83429 NSF Thurmont The Ticket Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc In the Shadow of Two Gunmen (2) Manchester (1) 20 Hours in America (2) The Dogs of War The Birnam Wood The Mommy Problem A Proportional Response The Midterms Manchester (2) College Kids Jefferson Lives Third-Day Story Message of the Week Five Votes Down In this White House Ways and Means The Red Mass Han Liftoff Mr. Frost The Crackpots & These Women And It's Surely To Their Credit On the Day Before Debate Camp Constituency of One The Hubbert Peak Here Today Mr. Willis of Ohio The Lame Duck Congress War Crimes Game On Disaster Relief The Dover Test The Al Smith Dinner The State Dinner The Portland Trip Gone Quiet Election Night Separation of Powers A Change is Gonna Come The Debate Enemies Shibboleth The Indians in the Lobby Process Stories Shutdown In the Room Undecideds The Short List Galileo The Women of Qumar Swiss Diplomacy Abu el Banat Impact Winter The Wedding In Excelsis Deo Noël Bartlet for America Arctic Radar The Stormy Present Faith Based Initiative Running Mates Lord John Marbury The Leadership Breakfast H. Con-172 Holy Night The Benign Prerogative Opposition Research Internal Displacement He Shall, from Time to Time... The Drop-In 100,000 Airplanes Guns Not Butter Slow News Day 365 Days Duck and Cover Take Out the Trash Day Third State of the Union The Two Bartlets The Long Goodbye The Warfare of Genghis Khan King Corn The Cold Take this Sabbath Day The War at Home Night Five Inauguration (1) An Khe The Wake Up Call Two Weeks Out Celestial Navigation Ellie Hartsfield's Landing Inauguration, Over There (2) Full Disclosure Freedonia Welcome to Wherever You Are 20 Hours in L.A. Somebody's Going to Jail Dead Irish Writers The California 47th Eppur Si Muove Drought Conditions Election Day (1) The White House Pro-Am The Stackhouse Filibuster The U.S. Poet Laureate Red Haven's on Fire The Supremes A Good Day Election Day (2) Six Meetings Before Lunch 17 People Stirred Privateers Access La Palabra Requiem Let Bartlet Be Bartlet Bad Moon Rising Enemies, Foreign & Domestic Angel Maintenance Talking Points Ninety Miles Away Transition Mandatory Minimums The Fall's Gonna Kill You The Black Vera Wang Evidence of Things Not Seen No Exit In God We Trust The Last Hurrah Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics 18th and Potomac We Killed Yamamoto Life on Mars Gaza Things Fall Apart Institutional Memory What Kind of Day Has It Been Two Cathedrals Posse Comitatus Commencement Memorial Day 2162 Votes Tomorrow Cast Twenty-Five External links Season One Pilot Flight Attendant: Sir, I'm going to have to ask that you turn off your cellular phone. Toby: We're flying in a Lockheed Eagle Series L-1011. Came off the line ten months ago. Carries a Sim-5 transponder tracking system. And you're telling me I can still flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack? Leo: [on the phone with the New York Times] 17 across. Yes, 17 across is wrong... You're spelling his name wrong... What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I am just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you that I met the man twice. And I recommended a pre-emptive Exocet missile strike against his air force, so I think I know how... C.J.: Leo. Leo: They hang up on me every time. C.J.: That's almost hard to believe. Sam: Ms. O'Brien, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I'm a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing a poll that says a considerable portion of Americans feel the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that's not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard is fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean while the Governor of Florida wants to blockade the Port of Miami. A good friend of mine's about to get fired for going on television and making sense, and it turns out I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now would you please, in the name of compassion, tell me which one of those kids is my boss's daughter? Mallory: That would be me. Sam: You. Mallory: Yes. Sam: Leo's daughter's fourth-grade class. Mallory: Yes. Sam: Well, this is bad on so many levels. John Van Dyke: The First Commandment says "Honor thy father." Toby: No, it doesn't! Josh Lyman: Toby— Toby: It doesn't! [C.J. tries to stop him] No! If I'm gonna make you sit through this preposterous exercise, we're gonna get the names of the damn Commandments right! Mary Marsh: Okay, here we go. Toby: "Honor thy father" is the Third Commandment! Van Dyke: Then what's the First Commandment? Bartlet: "I am the Lord your God; thou shalt worship no other god before me." [enters the room, walking with a cane] Boy, those were the days, huh? Van Dyke: If our children can buy pornography on any street corner for five dollars, isn't that too high a price to pay for free speech? Bartlet: No. Van Dyke: Really? Bartlet: On the other hand, I do think that five dollars is too high a price to pay for pornography. C.J.: Why don’t we all sit down? Bartlet: No. Let’s not, C.J. These people won’t be staying that long. May I have some coffee, Mr. Lewis? Al, how many times have I asked you to denounce the practices of a fringe group that calls itself The Lambs of God? Caldwell: Sir, it’s not up to me to— Bartlet: Crap. It is up to you, Al. You know, my wife, Abbey, she never wants me to do anything while I’m upset. [a staffer hands him coffee] Thank you, Mr. Lewis. Twenty-eight years ago, I come home from a very bad day at the State House. I tell Abbey I’m going out for a drive. I get in the station wagon and put it in reverse and pull out of the garage full speed. [Leo and Sam appear in the doorway and quietly enter into the room.] Except I forgot to open the garage door. Abbey told me to not drive while I was upset, and she was right. She was right yesterday when she told me not to get on that damn bicycle while I was upset, but I did it anyway, and I guess I was just about as angry as I’ve ever been in my life. It seems my granddaughter, Annie, had given an interview in one of the teen magazines. And somewhere between movie stars and makeup tips, she talked about her feelings on a woman’s right to choose. Now Annie, all of 12, has always been precocious, but she’s got a good head on her shoulders, and I like it when she uses it. So, I couldn’t understand it when her mother called me in tears yesterday. I said, "Elizabeth, what’s wrong?" She said, "It’s Annie." Now, I love my family, and I’ve read my Bible from cover to cover. So, I want you to tell me from what part of the Holy Scripture do you suppose the Lambs of God drew their Divine inspiration when they sent my 12-year-old granddaughter a Raggedy Ann doll with a knife stuck through its throat? [pause] You’ll denounce these people, Al. You’ll do it publicly. And until you do, you can all get your fat asses out of my White House. C.J., show these people out. Mary Marsh: I believe we can find the door. Bartlet: Find it now. Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc Lloyd Russell: [referring to his Presidential run, speaking to Mandy, who just drove her car onto a curb] It wasn't going to happen. Mandy: You know what the worst part about this is? Lloyd Russell: Well, I think you dinged up your suspension pretty good. Mandy: No, Lloyd, it's the party they're having, right now, in the West Wing, at my expense. Lloyd Russell: They're not having a party in the West Wing. Mandy: I worked with these people for two and a half years. They like to win and they like to gloat. Lloyd Russell: I'm sure you're wrong. Mandy: I'm sure I'm not. Lloyd Russell: There are very serious people working at the White House. A blow was struck for party unity today, there's no cause to gloat. [cut to the White House] Josh: Victory is mine, victory is mine. Great day in the morning, people, victory is mine. Donna: Morning Josh. Josh: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land. [pumps his fists] Donna: It's going to be an unbearable day. Toby: Mrs. Landingham, does the President have free time this morning? Mrs. Landingham: The President has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you? Toby: Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham. Mrs. Landingham: What age would that be, Toby? Toby: ...Late twenties? Mrs. Landingham: Atta boy. Toby: Can I have a cookie? Mrs. Landingham: No. [Sam walks in] Mrs. Landingham: Good morning, Sam. Sam: Good morning. Mrs. Landingham: Have a cookie, Sam. C.J.: Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor. Bartlet: I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor? C.J.: No. Bartlet: Me neither. C.J.: It's just that it's not the first time that it's happened. Bartlet: I know. Toby: We're talking about Texas, sir. Bartlet: I know. C.J.: USA Today asks you why you don't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's because you don't look good in funny hats. Sam: It was big hats. C.J.: What difference does it make? Bartlet: It makes a difference. C.J.: The point is we got whomped in Texas. Josh: We got whomped in Texas twice. C.J.: We got whomped in the primary and we got whomped in November. Bartlet: I think I was there. C.J.: And it was avoidable. Sir. Bartlet: C.J., on your tombstone it's gonna read 'Post hoc ergo propter hoc.' CJ: Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone. Bartlet: Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know 'post hoc, ergo propter hoc'? Josh? Josh: Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore something else hoc. Bartlet: Thank you. Next? Leo. Leo: 'After it, therefore because of it'. Bartlet: 'After it, therefore because of it'. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact, it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas? C.J.: When you learned to speak Latin? Bartlet: Go figure. Bartlet: What is that? Morris: It's a flu shot. Bartlet: I don't need a flu shot. Morris: You do need a flu shot. Bartlet: How do I know this isn't the start of a military coup? Morris: Sir? Bartlet: I want the Secret Service in here right away. Morris: In the event of a military coup, sir, what makes you think the Secret Service is gonna be on your side? Bartlet: Now that's a thought that's gonna fester. Sam: About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute. Toby: Really? Sam: Yes. Toby: You accidentally slept with a prostitute. Sam: Call girl. Toby: Accidentally. Sam: Yes. Toby: I don't understand. Did you trip over something? A Proportional Response Josh: A couple of things for you to bear in mind. First of all, he didn't know she was a call girl when he slept with her. He did not pay her money. He didn't participate in, have knowledge of, or witness anything illegal. Or for that matter, unethical, immoral, or suspect. C.J.: Okay. A couple things for you to bear in mind. None of that matters on Hard Copy! Josh: You're overreacting. C.J.: Am I? Josh: Yes. C.J.: As women are prone to do. Josh: That's not what I meant. C.J.: That's always what you mean. Josh: You know what, C.J., I really think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista! ...Whoa, that was way too far. C.J.: No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist Harvard fascist missed-the-dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass! Josh: Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.? C.J.: I'm a whole new woman. Josh: You look like a million bucks, by the way. C.J.: Don't try to make up with me. Sam: [reading a newspaper article, quoting a congressman] "Folks down here are patriotic, fiercely patriotic. The President better not be planning on making any visits to this base. If he does, he may not get out alive." Toby: He said that? Sitting there with military officers? Josh: Don't take the bait. Toby: Josh. Josh: Don't take the bait! Toby: You'd better believe I'm going to take the bait. Leo: There ought to be a law against it. Josh: Why'd you get him started? [Leo shrugs] Toby: There is a law against it! How about threatening the life of the President? He was talking to other people: how about conspiracy? They were military officers, how about treason? That was a member of our own party, Leo. That was a Democrat who said that! Leo: It's bad, I know. Toby: That's it? Leo: What are you going to do? Toby: Have the Justice Department bring him in pending felony charges. Josh: Toby's right. What's the good of being in power if you're not going to haul your enemies in for questioning? Toby: We're really not gonna do anything about this? Leo: Yeah, cause what we really need to do is arrest people for being mean to the President. Toby: There is no law. There is no decency. Josh: He’s just getting that now. Bartlet: What's the virtue of the proportional response? Admiral Fitzwallace: I'm sorry? Bartlet: What is the virtue of a proportional response? Why's it good? They hit an airplane, so we hit a transmitter, right? That's a proportional response. Admiral Fitzwallace: Sir, in the case of Pericles 1 -- Bartlet: [talking over him] They hit a barracks, so we hit two transmitters. Admiral Fitzwallace: That's roughly it, yes, sir. Bartlet: This is what we do. I mean, this is what we do. Leo: Yes, sir, it's what we do. It's what we've always done. Bartlet: Well, if it's what we do, if it's what we've always done, don't they know we're going to do it? Leo: Sir, if you'd turn your attention to Pericles 1 -- Bartlet: I have turned my attention to Pericles 1. It's two ammo dumps, an abandoned railroad bridge and a Syrian intelligence agency. Admiral Fitzwallace: Those are four highly-rated targets, sir. Bartlet: But they know we're gonna do that. They know we're gonna do that! Those areas have been abandoned for three days now. We know that from the satellite, right? We have the intelligence. [over Leo's attempt to speak up] They did that, so we did this. It's the cost of doing business. It's been factored in, right? Leo: Mr. President -- Bartlet: Am I right, or am I missing something here? Admiral Fitzwallace: No, sir. You're right, sir. Bartlet: Then I ask again, what is the virtue of a proportional response? Admiral Fitzwallace: It isn't virtuous, Mr. President. It's all there is, sir. Bartlet: It is not all there is. Leo: Sir, Admiral Fitzwallace -- Admiral Fitzwallace: Excuse me, Leo...pardon me, Mr. President, just what else is there? Bartlet: The disproportional response. Let the word ring forth, from this time and this place, gentlemen, you kill an American, any American, we don't come back with a proportional response. We come back with total disaster! [He bangs the table] General: Are you suggesting that we carpet-bomb Damascus? Bartlet: I am suggesting, General, that you, and Admiral Fitzwallace, and Secretary Hutchinson, and the rest of the National Security Team take the next sixty minutes and put together an American response scenario that doesn't make me think we're just docking somebody's damn allowance! Bartlet: What do you need, Leo? Leo: Well, you've gone through everyone who works for you and everyone who's married to you. I didn't know who else you could get mad at, so I was afraid the American people might be next. Oh, by the way, when we're done here you're sending Abby some flowers. Bartlet: [nods] Did you know that two thousand years ago a Roman citizen could walk across the face of the known world free of the fear of molestation? He could walk across the Earth unharmed, cloaked only in the protection of the words civis Romanus -- I am a Roman citizen. So great was the retribution of Rome, universally understood as certain, should any harm befall even one of its citizens. Where was Morris's protection, or anybody else on that airplane? Where was the retribution for the families, and where is the warning to the rest of the world that Americans shall walk this Earth unharmed, lest the clenched fist of the most mighty military force in the history of mankind comes crashing down on your house?! In other words, Leo, what the hell are we doing here?! Leo: We are behaving the way a superpower ought to behave. Bartlet: Well, our behavior has produced some crappy results; in fact, I'm not a hundred per cent sure it hasn't induced it. Leo: What are you talking about? Bartlet: I'm talking about two hundred and eighty-six American marines in Beirut, I'm talking about Somalia, I'm talking about Nairobi- Leo: And you think ratcheting up the body count's gonna act as a deterrent? Bartlet: You're damn right I- Leo: Oh, then you are just as stupid as these guys who think capital punishment is going to be a deterrent for drug kingpins. As if drug kingpins didn't live their day to day lives under the possibility of execution, and their executions are a lot less dainty than ours and tend to take place without the bother and expense of due process. So, my friend, if you want to start using American military strength as the arm of the Lord, you can do that. We're the only superpower left. You can conquer the world, like Charlemagne! But you better be prepared to kill everyone. And you better start with me, because I will raise up an army against you and I will beat you! Bartlet: [pause] He had a ten-day old baby at home. Leo: I know. Bartlet: We are doing nothing. Leo: We are not doing nothing. Bartlet: We're destroying- Leo: Four high-rated military targets! Bartlet And this is good? Leo: Of course it's not good. There is no good. It's what there is! It's how you behave if you're the most powerful nation in the world. It's proportional, it's reasonable, it's responsible, it's merciful! It's not nothing. Four high-rated military targets. Bartlet: Which they'll rebuild again in six months. Leo: Then we'll blow 'em up again in six months! We're getting really good at it. [pause] It's what our fathers taught us. Bartlet: [nods] Why didn't you say so? [pause, sitting down] Oh, man, Leo...when I think of all the work you put in to get me to run, when I think of all the work you did to get me elected...I could pummel your ass with a baseball bat. [Leo and Bartlet laugh] Josh: This was just, I think, a bad day. I have to tell you, he's ordinarily an extremely kind man, placing a very high premium on civility. Today...it's just been a very difficult few days for him. Charlie: I think I should probably go. [Bartlet comes in] Bartlet: Excuse me, Charlie? Can I see you inside, please? Come on, it's okay. [Charlie walks toward him hesitantly and Bartlet sticks out his hand] Bartlet: I'm Jed Bartlet. Charlie: I'm Charles Young, sir. Bartlet: But you prefer Charlie, right? Listen, Leo McGarry filled me in on the situation with your mother. I'm so very sorry. I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of calling Tom Connolly, the FBI Director, and we had the computer spit out some quick information. Your mother was killed by a Western .38 revolver firing KTWs, or what are known as cop-killer bullets. Now, we have not had a whole lot of success yet in banning that weapon and those bullets off the streets, but we're planning on taking a big whack at it when Congress comes back from recess. So, what do you say? You want to come help us out? Charlie: [smiling] Yes, sir, I do. Bartlet: Thank you, Charlie. [shakes his hand] ... Charlie: I've never felt like this before. Josh: It doesn't go away. Five Votes Down Josh: Forgive my bluntness, and I say this with all due respect, Congressman, but vote yes, or you're not even going to be on the ballot two years from now. Katzenmoyer: How do you figure? Josh: You're going to lose in the primary. Katzenmoyer: There's no Democrat running against me. Josh: Sure there is. Katzenmoyer: Who? Josh: Whomever we pick. Katzenmoyer: You're bluffing. Josh: Okay. Katzenmoyer: I'm in your own party! Josh: Doesn't seem to be doing us much good now, does it? Katzenmoyer: Against an incumbent Democrat. You'll go to the press and endorse a challenger? Josh: No sir. We're going to do it in person. See, you won with fifty-two percent, but the President took your district with fifty-nine. And I think it's high time we come back and say thanks. Do you have any idea how much noise Air Force One makes when it lands in Eau Claire, Wisconsin? We're going to have a party, Congressman. You should come, it's gonna be great. And when the watermelon's done, right in town square, right in the band gazebo... You guys got a band gazebo? Katzenmoyer: Josh... Josh: Doesn't matter, we'll build one. Right in the band gazebo, that's where the President is going to drape his arm around the shoulder of some assistant DA we like. And you should have your camera with you. You should get a picture of that. 'Cause that's gonna be the moment you're finished in Democratic politics. President Bartlet's a good man. He's got a good heart. He doesn't hold a grudge. That's what he pays me for. Reporter: I'm curious about the President's farm in Manchester. The property value increased $750,000. What's that due to? C.J.: Secret Service improvements. Reporter: Can you go into detail, please? C.J.: The property now includes a helipad and the ability to run a global war from the sun porch. Josh: You know, I realize that as an adult not everyone shares my view of the world, and with an issue as hot as gun control I'm prepared to accept a lot of different points of view as being perfectly valid, but we can all get together on the grenade launcher, right? Toby: There's literally no one in the world that I don't hate right now. Bartlet: [on pain medication] Hey! Leo: Mr. President. I thought you were staying in bed. Bartlet: Oh, I feel fine. Leo: Uh... Maybe you should get back to the residence. Bartlet: Hmm? Leo: I said, maybe you should get back to the residence. Maybe you should lie down. Bartlet: Absolutely no need. I'm fine. What's going on here? Sam: Nothing you need to concern yourself with, Mr. President. Merely a perception issue regarding Toby and the financial disclosure. Bartlet: Well, I like to roll up my sleeves and, you know ... get involved. C.J.: Mr. President. Did you by any chance take your back pills? Bartlet: I don't mind telling you C.J. I was in a little pain there. Leo: Which did you take, sir, the Vicodin or the Percocet? Bartlet: I wasn't supposed to take 'em both? C.J.: Okay, Mr. President, we're going to have someone take you back to bed. Bartlet: No, no, no. Sit, sit, sit. One of you's got a problem, and I'm here to help. You guys are like family. You've always been there for me. You've always been loyal, honest, hard-working good people, and I love you all very much, and I don't say that often enough. [to Sam] So, tell me what the problem is, Toby. Sam: I'm Sam, sir. Bartlet: Sam, of course you are. Toby: Sir, the situation basically is this. I arranged for a friend to testify to Commerce on Internet stocks, while simultaneously, but unrelated to that, bought a technology issue which, partly due to my friend's testimony, shot through the roof. Bartlet: Toby. Toby, Toby, Toby. Toby's a nice name, don't you think? Toby: Can we possibly do this meeting at another time? Bartlet: No, no, no, I know my body. I know my muscles aren't, you know, but my mind is sharp. I can focus. I'm focused. You all know that about me. Here's what I think we ought to do. [beat] Was I just saying something? The Crackpots and These Women Toby: [while playing basketball] It's not so much that you cheat sir, it's how brazenly bad you are at it. Bartlet: I beg your pardon! When have I ever cheated? Toby: How about in Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J., you tried to tell us your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna. Bartlet: She did. Toby: It was Steffi Graf, sir! Bartlet: I'll admit the woman bore a striking resemblance to her. Toby: You crazy lunatic! You think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?! ... Toby: Not so fast. Bartlet: What's the problem? Toby: Mr. Grant, your name sounds awfully familiar... Before you joined up with the President's Council on Physical Fitness, a council, I might add, the President would do well to avail himself of... Is it possible, that you played some organized ball? Grant: Yeah, I used to play a little with my friends. Toby: And where was that? Grant: I'm sorry? Toby: Where would that be? Grant: Duke. [Toby and Josh laugh out loud] Toby: This guy was in the Final Four! Leo: Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese. Toby: Huh. Leo: I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak, I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge - over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry. Toby: Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us? Leo: We can do that later, Toby. Right now, I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson. Sam Actually, right now, you're talking about a big block of cheese. Leo: And Sam goes on my list! Sam: What about Toby? Leo: I'm unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience. Mandy: And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese. Leo: It is in that spirit... Sam: Hang on. Mandy doesn't go on the list? Leo: Mandy's new. Sam: So it's just me... on the list? Leo: Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples' servants. Josh: [walks in with C.J.] Sorry, we're late. Is it "Total Crackpot Day" again? Leo: Yes, it is. Sam: And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list. Bartlet: Hey, everybody, listen up - Zoey's down from Hanover and I'm making chili for everyone tonight! [Everyone looks horrified] Josh: Oh God... Various: [With a noticeable lack of enthusiasm] Great! Great! Bartlet: [Put out] Okay, you know what? Let's do this. Everybody look down at the big seal in the middle of my carpet. [Everyone looks down at the Presidential seal] Now look back up at me. [They do so] Zoey's down from Hanover and I'm making chili for everyone tonight! Everyone: [With more convincing forced enthusiasm] That's great! I love chili! Terrific! Bartlet: There! You see how benevolent I can be when everybody just does what I tell them to do? [Josh is in his office, with Schubert's "Ave Maria" playing on his boombox] Josh: C.J., an NSC staffer gave me a card with instructions on it for what I'm supposed to do in the event of a nuclear attack. They want me up in the plane or down in a bunker. They don't want you... or Sam, or Toby, for that matter. I didn't want to be friends with you and have you not know. C.J.: [surprised] Josh, have you been upset about this? Josh: Yes. C.J.: You're very sweet sometimes. You really are. Josh: C.J... C.J.: Of course they don't want me, Josh! I'm a press secretary. I don't think they're going to be issuing a whole lot of releases. Sam and Toby are communications and my guess is that speech writing won't be a priority either. Come, have some fun. [starts to leave] Josh: [points at his boombox] This is a beautiful piece of music. Do you know this? C.J.: ...I'm Catholic. Josh: Hang on. Listen. Listen. [turns up his boombox at the words "O Jungfrau, sieh der Jungfrau Sorgen"] There, right there. It's... miraculous. [beat] Schubert was crazy, you know. C.J.: [nods] Yes. Josh: Do you think you have to be crazy to create something powerful? C.J.: Josh, the Cold War is over. There's not going to be a nuclear– Josh: God, C.J. It's not going to be like that. It's not gonna be the red phone and nuclear bombs. C.J.: What's it going to be? Josh: It's going to be this! It's going to be something like this. Smallpox has been gone for fifty years. No one has an acquired immunity. Flies through the air. You get it, you carry a ten-foot cloud around with you. One in three people die. If 100 people in New York City got it, you'd have to encircle them with 100 million vaccinated people to contain it. Do you know how many doses of smallpox vaccines exist in the country? Seven! If 100 people in New York City get it, there's gonna be a global medical emergency that's gonna make HIV look like cold and flu season. That's how it's gonna be, a little test tube with a... a rubber cap that's deteriorating... a guy steps out of Times Square station, [imitates a smashing noise]. smashes it on the sidewalk... there is a world war right there. C.J.: We'll make more vaccine. Josh: You better hurry, 'cause I'm the only one with one of these cards. Bartlet: I understand that today was another one of Leo's 'big block of cheese' days! You all start out so cynical, but it never fails. By the end of the day, there's always one or two converts, right? And today was no exception. C.J. Cregg is gonna be up all night writing a position paper for the interior department on the necessity of wildlife protection. [C.J. laughs] C.J., I don't mind the cost of this wolves-only highway. It's the segregation. The ACLU is gonna file a petition on behalf of some reindeer and then we're all screwed. [Everyone laughs] Sam Seaborn had a guy who spotted a UFO today, am I right? Sam laughed him out of his office, but you've been thinking about it ever since. But you can rest assured, Sam. It was not a spaceship from another planet, just another time -- a long since abandoned Soviet satellite. One of its booster rockets didn't fire and it couldn't escape Earth's orbit. A sad reminder of the time when two powerful nations challenged each other and then boldly raced into outer space. What will be the next thing that challenges us, Toby? That makes us go farther and work harder? You know that when smallpox was eradicated, it was considered the single greatest humanitarian achievement of this century? Surely, we can do it again, as we did in the time when our eyes looked towards the heavens, and with outstretched fingers we touched the face of God. Here's to absent friends and the ones that are here now. Cheers. Mr. Willis of Ohio Sam: C.J., we've been working on this commerce bill for three weeks, I hear you talk about the census all the time. C.J.: Yeah. Yeah. Sam: Well... I don't understand. How could you- C.J.: I've been faking it. Sam: You've been faking it? C.J.: I've been playing it fast and loose there's no doubt about it, but sitting in on some of the meetings we've been having, and reading the briefing book last night, I have to say that the census is starting to sound to me like it's, well, important. Sam: Ah-hah. C.J.: And, I've come to the realization that if I'm gonna be talking about it all week, it's probably best that I understand what I'm saying. Sam: When? C.J.: When what? Sam: When did you come to this realization? C.J.: About an hour ago. Sam: Okay. Let's... I tell you what, let's forget the fact that you're coming a little late to the party and embrace the fact that you showed up at all. C.J.: That's what I say. Josh: Sam, I'm taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming. Sam: Sounds good. C.J.: I like beer. Josh: If you want to come, I guess that'd be okay. C.J.: Why, Josh, you've swept me off my feet. Charlie: [at a Georgetown bar] Is everything all right, Zoey? Guy 2: Hey. He just called her Zoey. Charlie: Come on, let's go back to the table. Guy 1: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What's up Sammy? Charlie: Zoey? [Zoey moves towards Charlie and the guys block her] Guy 1: Excuse me. Excuse me. We're just trying to buy the girl a drink, man. Charlie: She's 19 years old man. You'd have to take her to Maryland. Guy 3: Check out Super Fly. Zoey: Hey! Charlie: Let's go. Guy 1: No. Why don't you go? Alright? Charlie: Look guys. You don't know who this is. You don't want any trouble. Just be cool, alright? Guy 1: Be cool. Charlie: Yeah. I'm just saying, I'm looking out for you. Guy 1 : I understand what you're saying. You just want me to be cool, alright? Charlie: Can I buy you guys a round? Guy 3: Like LL Cool J man, like Ice-T. Guy 2: Ice cube, Ice tray man. ... Guy 1: Why don't you do some of that hip-hop for us G-Funk? Guy 2: Dr. Huffy Puffy dread man, Dr Dolittle Man? Charlie: Would you let us by please? Guy 1: No. What are you doing here with this girl? Huh? Huh? Cause you know what, to me you look to be Dr. Faggot! Sam: [coming up from behind] Hey! What the hell is going on around here? Guy 1: Who the hell are you? Sam: Kiss my ass. Zoey? Zoey: I'm fine. Guy 1: Kiss your what, Fairy Poppins? Sam: Charlie? Charlie: Everything's fine. Guy 1: Hey, you want to go? Sam: What? Guy 1: You want to go? Let's do it. Right now. Come on. Josh: [coming up from behind Charlie] How's everybody doin'? Guy 1: Oh good, more fairy boys. Josh: Excuse me? Guy 1: I said, more fairy boys. Josh: Oh, this is too good to be true. [Mallory and C.J. come up behind Josh and Sam] Guy 2: [indicating Josh] Hey, I recognize this guy. [indicating Zoey] And she looks familiar too. Josh: [Pressing Zoey's panic button] Yeah. You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night. Guy 1: [Sarcastic and aggressive] Oh really - and who's gonna give it to us, huh? [The door slams open and Secret Service agents burst in] Agent: Federal agents! [Josh and Sam raise their arms and point at the three guys] Sam and Josh: Right here! [The agents grab the startled and protesting guys and force them head-first onto the bar whilst one grabs Zoey and guides her out protectively] Agent: Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back. Guy 1: [to Charlie] Hey, I ain't done with you, Sammy. Charlie: My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball of blow, you'll be spending Spring Break in a federal prison. [to Josh] Now I'm having a good time. Bartlet: The Secret Service... Zoey: The Secret Service should worry about you getting shot! Bartlet: They are worried about me getting shot. I'm worried about me getting shot! But that is nothing compared to how terrified we are of you. You scare the hell out of the Secret Service, Zoey, and you scare the hell out of me, too. My getting killed would be bad enough, but that is not the nightmare scenario. The nightmare scenario, sweetheart, is you getting kidnapped. You go out to a bar or a party in some club and you get up to go to the restroom. Somebody comes up from behind, puts their hand across your mouth and whisks you out the back door. You're so petrified you don't even notice the bodies of two Secret Service agents lying on the ground with bullet holes in their heads. Then you're whisked away in a car. It's a big party with lots of noise and lots of people coming and going and it's a half hour before someone says, "Hey, where's Zoey?" Another fifteen minutes before the first phone call. It's another hour and a half before anyone even thinks to shut down all the airports! And now we're off to the races! You're tied to a chair in a cargo shack somewhere in the middle of Uganda and I am told that I have seventy-two hours to get Israel to free four hundred and sixty terrorist prisoners. So I'm on the phone, pleading with Binyamin and he's saying "I'm sorry Mr. President, but Israel simply does not negotiate with terrorists, period! It's the only way we can survive." So now we got a new problem, because this country no longer has a commander-in-chief but has a father who's out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda with a gun to her head! Do you get it?! [In response to Josh's earlier speech to Donna about why the government does not issue refund checks for each person's portion of the budget surplus.] Josh: Donna? How much were the sandwiches? Donna: $12.95 Josh: I gave you a twenty. Donna: Yes, as it turns out, actually, you gave me more money than I needed to buy what you asked for. However, knowing you, as I do, I'm afraid I can't trust you to spend the change wisely. I've decided to invest it for you. Josh: That was nice. That was a little parable. Donna: I want my money back. The State Dinner Donna: I’m not wild about this whole Indonesian thing. Josh: What’s the problem? Donna: I’ve been doing some reading on my own. Josh: I wish you wouldn’t do that. Donna: Why? Josh: Because you tend to cull some bizarre factoid from a less than reputable source and then you blow it all out of proportion. Donna: I do not. Josh: Donna... Donna: I just thought you might like to know that in certain parts of Indonesia, they summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers. Josh: What? Donna: I read it. Josh: They... summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers? Donna: They behead them. Josh: Sorcerers. Donna: Gangs of roving people. Beheading those they suspect of being sorcerers. You know with... what’s that thing that Death carries? Josh: A scythe. Donna: They’re doing it with a scythe. Josh: Well, thanks for the head’s up. Donna: I thought you might like to know who’s coming over for dinner. Josh: You bet. Harry: Mr. President? C.J.: No questions right now, Harry. Harry: A short one. Bartlet: She’s not worried about the length of your question, she’s worried about the length of my response. Mandy: It really bugs you that the President listens to me sometimes. Josh: Yes, but you shouldn’t take it personally. It bugs me when the President listens to anyone who isn’t me. Mandy: What about a negotiator? Military officer: Negotiate what? Mandy: A peaceful settlement. Josh: This is a standoff with federal officers. A peaceful settlement is "put your guns down, you’re under arrest." Mandy: I think it would be wise if we demonstrated that we exhausted every possible peaceful solution before we got all Ramboed up. Josh: I don’t think it’s unreasonably macho for the White House to be aggressive in preserving democracy. Mandy: Let me tell you something. Ultimately, it is not the nuts that are the greatest threat to democracy, as history has shown us over and over and over again, the greatest threat to democracy is the unbridled power of the state over its citizens. Which, by the way, that power is always unleashed in the name of preservation. Josh: This isn’t abstract, Mandy. This isn’t a theoretical problem. The FBI says come out with your hands up, you come out with your hands up. At which point, you’re free to avail yourself of the entire justice system. Mandy: Do you really believe that? Or are you just pissed off because I got into the game? Bartlet: Time’s up. Little: Actually, if I may, Mr. President. I didn’t get my full five minutes. Bartlet: Yes, I know. But I got tired of listening to you. Now you listen to me. I have a Nobel Prize in Economics and I’m here to tell you that none of you know what the hell you’re talking about. At 12:01 am, I’m using my executive power to nationalize the trucking industry. Little: You can’t do that, Mr. President... Bartlet: Fourteen White House lawyers disagree. Truman did it in ‘52 with the coal mines. Little: And it was struck down by the Supreme Court. Bartlet: In 50 years. There’s a new bench and I’ll take my chances. As for Labor, I am calling Congress into Emergency Session to grant me the authority to draft the truckers into military service. [Russo and the Truckers Union delegates look dumbfounded] You’re going to love our food. Nice talking to you folks. If this isn’t settled in 47 minutes, don’t worry. We know where to find you. Enemies Bartlet: Yellowstone, established by an act signed by Ulysses S. Grant was the nation's first national park - March 1, 1872. Josh: [stands] It's getting late, sir. I was wondering, are we through for the evening? Bartlet: [smiling] Well, we're through with work, Josh, but this part's fun. Josh: What part, sir? Bartlet: The part where I get you to sit down, and teach you a little something. Josh: [sits] Ah. Bartlet: Yeah. Josh: You're not tired, sir? Bartlet: No. Josh: Perhaps, if you get into bed and... Bartlet: I'm a national park buff. I bet you didn't know that about me. Josh: Well, I didn't know that about you, sir, but I'm certainly not surprised. Bartlet: Why is that? Josh: You're... quite a nerd, Mr. President. Bartlet: Really? Josh: Yes, sir. Bartlet: I assume that was said with all due respect. Josh: Yes, sir. Bartlet: Is it nerd-like to know that Everglades National Park is the largest remaining subtropical wilderness in the continental United States, and has extensive mangrove forests? Josh: Just a little bit. Yes, sir. Bartlet: There are 54 national parks in the country, Josh. Josh: Please tell me you haven't been to all of them. Bartlet: I have been to all of them. I should show you my slide collection. Josh: Oh, would you? Bartlet: [counting on his fingers] Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon, Badlands, Capitol Reef, Acadia, which is so often overlooked... Josh: You should certainly feel free to keep talking, but I need to go home so I could be back in my office in... four hours. Bartlet: Dry Tortugas... Josh: See, the thing is, I can't leave without your permission. Bartlet: Petrified Forest, North Cascades, Joshua Tree, Shenandoah National Park, right here in Virginia! [bangs hand on couch] We should organize a staff field-trip to Shenandoah. I could even act as the guide. What do you think? Josh: [Under his breath] Good a place as any to dump your body. Bartlet: What was that? Josh: ...Did I say that out loud? Bartlet: See, and I was gonna let you go home. Josh: [Sinking feeling] ...But instead? Bartlet: We're gonna talk about Yosemite. Bartlet: Actually, I find these Cabinet meetings to be a fairly mind-numbing experience, but Leo assures me they are Constitutionally required, so let's get it over with. Toby: All right... It couldn't have gone far, right? Sam: No. Toby: Somewhere in this building... is our talent. Sam: Yes. Sam: You're asking me out on a date. Mallory: No, I'm asking you to accompany me to see an internationally renowned opera company perform a work indigenous to its culture. Sam: Right, and in what way will it distinguish itself from a date? Mallory: There will be, under no circumstances, sex for you at the end of the evening. Sam: [shrugs] Okay. Mallory: So what do you say? Sam: Well, like most people I'm an absolute nut for Chinese opera. The Chinese being known the world over for their soaring and romantic melodies, and what with your guarantee that there won’t be sex, I don’t see how I could say no. Hoynes: What did I ever do to you? Where, in our past, what did I do to make you treat me this way? Bartlet: John... Hoynes: What did I ever do except deliver the South? Bartlet: Really? Hoynes: Yeah. Bartlet: You shouldn't have made me beg, John. I was asking you to be Vice President. Hoynes: Due respect, Mr. President, you had just kicked my ass in the primary. I'm 15 years younger than you are and I have my career to think of. Bartlet: Then don’t stand there and ask the question, John. It weakened me right out of the gate. You shouldn’t have made me beg. The Short List Leo: One in three? C.J.: Yes. Leo: He said one in three White House staffers are on drugs? C.J.: Yes. Leo: Where does he get these stats? C.J.: Leo- Leo: I mean where does he pull them from? C.J.: Out of the clear blue sky, but that doesn’t matter! Leo: [to Margaret] Is somebody bringing me a tape of this? Margaret: They're getting it. [leaves] Mandy: This isn’t happening to me. Leo: Nothing’s happening. Stay cool. Sam: [walks in] Is it possible for Peter Lillianfield to be a bigger jackass? You think if he tried hard, there’s room for him to be a slightly bigger horse's ass than he’s being right now? C.J.: At some point you hit your head on the ceiling, don’t you? Sam: I think there’s unexplored potential. Josh: [enters] ‘Sup. Mandy: Josh. Josh: Five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you who are stoned right now that it’s time to share. Sam: In 1787, there was a sizable block of delegates who were initially opposed to the Bill of Rights. This is what a member of the Georgia delegation had to say by way of opposition; 'If we list a set of rights, some fools in the future are going to claim that people are entitled only to those rights enumerated and no others.' So the Framers knew– Harrison: Were you just calling me a fool, Mr. Seaborn? Sam: I wasn't calling you a fool, sir. The brand new state of Georgia was. Sam: It's not just about abortion, it's about the next 20 years. Twenties and Thirties it was the role of government, Fifties and Sixties it was civil rights. The next two decades it's gonna be privacy. I'm talking about the Internet. I'm talking about cell phones. I'm talking about health records and who's gay and who's not. And moreover, in a country born on the will to be free, what could be more fundamental than this? Bartlet: Did you have a drink yesterday? Leo: No, sir. Bartlet: Do you plan to have a drink today? Leo: No, sir. Bartlet: That's all you ever have to say to me. Leo: You know it's gonna make things very hard for a while. Bartlet: You fought in a war, got me elected, and you run the country. I think we all owe you one, don't you? Bartlet: Would it surprise you to know that for the last few months you have been on a short list of candidates for the bench? Mendoza: Yes, it would. Bartlet: Well then this is gonna knock your socks off. Tomorrow evening at 5 o’clock, I am naming you as my nominee to be the next Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court. You were not the first choice, but you are the last one, and the right one. Will you accept the nomination? Mendoza: With honor. Bartlet: Good. [Everyone stands.] Bartlet: Thank you. Sam and Toby will be in charge of your confirmation. Sam: Congratulations, Judge. Mendoza: Thank you. [shakes hands] Toby: It's gonna be an excruciating battle, Mr. Justice, one I have no intention of losing. Bartlet: What do you say, Leo? You up for a good fight? Leo: I believe I have one in me, yes sir. Bartlet: Good. Let the good fight begin. In Excelsis Deo C.J.: What's your secret service code name? Sam: They just changed them. C.J.: I know. What's yours? Sam: Princeton. C.J.: Mine's Flamingo. Sam: It's nice. C.J.: No. It's not nice. Sam: Flamingo is a nice looking bird. C.J.: The flamingo is a ridiculous looking bird. Sam: You're not ridiculous looking. C.J.: I know I'm not ridiculous looking. Sam: Any way for me to get out of this conversation? C.J.: I'm gonna go talk to someone. Sam: Excellent. Charlie: This place looks great doesn't it? Mrs. Landingham: Yeah. Charlie: I've never seen a Christmas look like this, the trees, and the lights, and everybody singing. Mrs. Landingham: Yeah. Charlie: The presents... Mrs. Landingham: Yeah. Charlie: I brought it up because, I don't know, you seem a little down this week. Mrs. Landingham: Yeah, I know Charlie. I tend to get a little down during the holidays. Charlie: You don't like Christmas? Mrs. Landingham: I miss my boys. Charlie: I never knew you had kids. Mrs. Landingham: Twins. Andrew and Simon. I tried not, you know, I dressed them differently, but they still did everything together. They went off to medical school together, and then they finished their second year at the same time, and of course their lottery number came up at the same time. Charlie: For the draft? Mrs. Landingham: Yeah. Charlie: Well, I would have thought they could get a deferment to finish med school. Mrs. Landingham: They didn't want one. Their father and I begged them, but they wanted to go where people needed doctors. Their father and I begged them, but you can't tell kids anything. So they joined up as medics and four months later they were pinned down during a fight in Da Nang and were killed by enemy fire. That was Christmas Eve 1970. [beat] You know, they were so young, Charlie, they were your age. It's hard when that happens so far away, you know because, with the noises and the shooting, they had to be so scared. It's hard not to think that right then they needed their mother... Anyway, I miss my boys. Josh: An hour with you in a rare book store. Couldn't you just drop me off the top of the Washington Monument instead? Bartlet: It's Christmas, Josh! No reason we can't do both. Leo: You went and did it? Josh: What? Leo: Exactly what I asked you not to do. Josh: Leo. Leo: You went and saw Sam's friend? Sam: How'd you know? Leo: I had you tailed. Josh: You had us tailed? Leo: Yes. Sam: Why did you have us tailed? Leo: On the off chance that you're as stupid as you look. Whose idea was this? Josh: It was mine. Sam was a reluctant accomplice. You had us tailed? Leo: Get over it. Sam: She didn't give us anything. Leo: I should hope not. Josh: Leo. Leo: It's not what we do, Josh. Sam: That may be true, but still... Leo: It's not what we do. Sam: Yes, sir. Leo: You should apologize to that girl for even asking. Sam: I did. Leo: Then apologize again. Sam: Yes, sir. Leo: Like I'm not gonna have enough problems without the Keystone Cops. Josh: We meant well. Leo: Is that supposed to mean something to me? Josh: No. Leo: [beat] Well, it does. Josh: I'm glad. Leo: Go back to work. Sam: It's Christmas Eve. Leo: What, the country isn't open Christmas Eve? Sam: Fair point. Bartlet: Apparently, I’ve arranged for an honor guard for somebody. Toby: Yes, sir. I’m sorry. Bartlet: No no. Just tell me, is there anything else I’ve arranged for? We’re still in NATO right? Toby: Yes, sir. Bartlet: What’s going on? Toby: A homeless man died last night; a Korean War veteran, who was wearing a coat that I gave to the Goodwill. It had my card in it. Bartlet: Toby, you’re not responsible for … Toby: An hour and twenty minutes for the ambulance to get there. A Lance Corporal, United States Marine Corps, Second of the Seventh. The guy got better treatment at Panmunjom. Bartlet: Toby, if we start pulling strings like this, you don’t think every homeless veteran would come out of the woodwork? Toby: I can only hope, sir. Lord John Marbury Bartlet: There's an India expert I want to bring in. Leo: Who? [Bartlet looks at him pointedly.] Leo: No. Bartlet: You guys are gonna love him. Leo: He's a lunatic! Bartlet: He's colorful. Leo: He's certifiable! Sam: Who? Bartlet: Lord John Marbury, former ambassador to New Delhi from the Court of Saint James. Sam: Where do we find him? Leo: A psychiatric institution. Bartlet: He's colorful, Leo. Leo: You're really gonna let him loose in the White House, where there's liquor and women? Bartlet: We can hide the women. But the man deserves a drink. Toby: I was warned that coming to talk to you might be insulting to your professionalism. C.J.: Well, you wouldn't want to do that. Toby: I wasn't ready for the press yet. C.J.: Could've told me that before sending me in there. Toby: C.J. C.J.: I flatly denied it. I said I was in the Oval Office ten minutes ago and nothing's going on. Toby: They don't think you lied to them. C.J.: I know that. They think you lied to me, which is what happened. They don't know me. I'm from nowhere. I was just starting to get credible. I was just starting to get their respect. You know how long it's going to take me to get it back? Toby: There's a concern. C.J.: Don't ask C.J.; she doesn't know anything. Toby: There is a concern that you're too friendly with the press. C.J.: Really. Toby: We know it's important that you have a friendly relationship with them... C.J.: It's important for all of us. Toby: I don't disagree. C.J.: Does this have to do with Danny Concannon? Toby: People see you with Danny. C.J.: This is outrageous. Toby: This is one time, and if we erred, it's on the side of trying to... C.J.: You sent me in there uninformed so that I'd lie to the press. Toby: We sent you in there uninformed because we thought there was a chance you couldn't. Charlie: Mr. President, I was wondering if I could ask you a question. Bartlet: Sure. Charlie: I was wondering how you would feel about my going out on a date with Zoey. Bartlet: I'm sorry? Charlie: Well, Zoey was talking to me before, and she mentioned that if I had a free night... Bartlet: My daughter asked you out? Charlie: Yes, sir. Bartlet: I should've locked her in the dungeon. Charlie: I don't think you've got one, sir. Bartlet: I could've built one. Bartlet: Thank you for coming. How was your flight? Marbury: Intoxicating. Leo: So I see. Marbury: [to Leo] Allow me to present myself...Lord John Marbury, I was summoned by your President. Leo: Yes. We've met, 10 or 12 times. I'm Leo McGarry. Marbury: I thought you were the butler. Leo: No, I'm the White House Chief of Staff. Marbury: Nonetheless, would you have something with which to light my cigarette? Leo: No, I'm afraid we don't allow smoking in this part of the world. Marbury: Really? Leo: Yes, sir. Marbury: In this part over here, we encourage it. Leo: Sir. Marbury: It's 'Your Lordship,' as a matter of fact, but it couldn't possibly make the least difference. So, tell me, how can I be of service to you? If it's within my power to give, you shall have it. Bartlet: We need your take on the situation, John. Marbury: What is your 'take' on the situation? Bartlet: The world is coming apart at the seams. Marbury: Well, then... [hands his coat to Leo] ...thank God you sent for me! Bartlet: Say, listen. My hesitation about your going out with Zoey before, you know, it's not 'cause you're black. Charlie: I didn't think it was. Bartlet: It's not. Charlie: I thought it was 'cause I'm a guy. Bartlet: It is. Charlie: I understand. Bartlet: Still, I want you to go out with her if that's what you both want to do. Charlie: I'd like to. Bartlet: That's fine. Charlie: Thank you, sir. Bartlet: Just remember these two things: She's nineteen years old, and the 82nd Airborne works for me. Charlie: Yes sir. He Shall, from Time to Time... Bartlet: [practicing the State of the Union speech] I came to this hallowed chamber one year ago on a mission, to restore the American dream for all our people as we gaze at the vast horizon of possibilities open to us... in the 321st century. Wow, that was ambitious of me, wasn't it? Sam: Leo. Leo: Let's take a break. Bartlet: We meant 'stronger' here, right? Sam: What does it say? Bartlet: I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago? Sam: That's a typo. Bartlet: Could go either way. Bartlet: Abbey phoned me up and told me about your conversation. I was diagnosed about seven years ago. My life expectancy is normal. My particular course of MS is relapsing remitting, which means I should experience total recovery after attacks. Abbey gives me injections of something called Betaseron, and that reduces the frequency. Fever and stress tend to be two things that induces attacks. Leo: Well, you're the President of the United States, you're delivering the State of the Union tomorrow night, India and Pakistan are pointing nuclear weapons at each other, and you have a 102-degree fever. So I guess we're out of the woods, hmm? Bartlet: 101.9. Leo: Jed, of all the things you could've kept from me... Bartlet: You haven't called me 'Jed' since I was elected. Leo: [sits] Why didn't you tell me? Bartlet: 'Cause I wanted to be the President. Leo: That wouldn't have stopped me from getting you here. And I could've been a friend. Bartlet: You've been a friend. Leo: But when it was time to really... Bartlet: I know. Bartlet: What have you got for me, John? Lord John Marbury: Well, um, after speaking at length this past week with your secretaries of state and defense, as well as your joint chiefs and various embassy officials, I believe this. Buy them off. Bartlet: Buy them? Lord John Marbury: Yes, sir. Bartlet: How? Lord John Marbury: Mr. President, for several centuries, my kingdom has ruled India with a stick and carrot. When we had a particular problem with someone, one solution we would try is to make him a maharaja. That's kind of a regional king. We would pay him off with an annual tribute, and in return, he would be loyal to the crown. Leo: Lord Marbury, under our Constitution, our President is not empowered to create maharajas. Lord John Marbury: Yes. Thank you for clearing that up, Leo. Having been educated at Cambridge and the Sorbonne, I am, as you know, exceedingly stupid. Bartlet: John, please. Lord John Marbury: You've been paying the world off since the industrial age. Foreign aid, during the Cold War was you paying dictators to be on your side. To this very day, you pay Korea not to develop nuclear weapons. Bartlet: What does India want? Lord John Marbury: A computer industry, and for that, they require an infrastructure, and that is what you can give them. Leo: Why? Lord John Marbury: It's the price you pay. Leo: For avoiding a war halfway around the world? Lord John Marbury: For being rich, free and alive all at the same time, and for the criminally negligent behavior of your Congress in not checking the proliferation of nuclear devices. Bartlet: [while sick in bed] I was watching a television program before, with a kind of roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends - apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. And they brought the boyfriends out, and they fought, right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don't vote, do they? Toby: I wouldn't think so. No sir. Josh: [pokes his head in] Excuse me, Mr. President. Bartlet: What do you need, Josh? Toby: I asked Josh to join me here, sir Bartlet: What's on your mind? Toby: "The era of big government is over." Bartlet: You want to cut the line? Toby: I want to change the sentiment. [pause] We're running away from ourselves and I know we can score points that way, I was a principal architect of that campaign strategy right along with you, Josh. But we're here now, tomorrow night we do an immense thing; we have to say what we feel, that government, no matter what its failures in the past and in times to come for that matter, government can be a place where people come together and where no one gets left behind. No one...gets left behind. An instrument of good. [pause] I have no trouble understanding why the line tested well, Josh, but I don't think that means we should say it. I think that means we should... change it. Bartlet: [slowly nods] I think so, too. [beat] What do you think, Josh? Josh: I make it a point never to disagree with Toby when he's right, Mr. President. [with the Secretary of Agriculture, Roger Tribbey, the Designated survivor staying behind during the State of the Union address] Bartlet: OK, Roger. If anything happened, you know what to do, right? Roger Tribbey: I honestly hadn't thought about it, sir. Bartlet: First thing always is national security. Get your commanders together. Appoint Joint Chiefs, appoint a chairman. Take us to DEFCON 4. Have the governors send emergency delegates to Washington. The assistant Attorney General is going to be the Acting A.G. If he tells you he wants to bring out the National Guard, do what he tells you. [pause] You got a best friend? Roger Tribbey: Yes, sir. Bartlet: Is he smarter than you? Roger Tribbey: [chuckles] Yes, sir. Bartlet: Would you trust him with your life? Roger Tribbey: Yes, sir. Bartlet: That's your chief of staff. Take Out the Trash Day Josh: We've got a bit of a sticky wicket. C.J.: Please don't tell me I'm staying here and working late tonight. Josh: I need you to read a report. C.J.: I'm a woman in her prime, Josh, I'm a prime woman. Josh: There's no doubt about it, but I need you to read this anyway. C.J.: What is it? Josh: We want Congress to sign off on funds for a hundred thousand new teachers. They say, fine, but you gotta stipulate that in Sex Ed classes.... C.J.: Abstinence only? Josh: Yes. C.J.: I would have no trouble passing such a class. Josh: We commissioned a report about a year ago on Sex Education in public schools, and, well, this is it. C.J.: What's it say? Josh: It's not good. C.J.: How's it not good? Josh: It says basically that teaching 'abstinence only' doesn't work—that people are going to be prone to have sex whether they're cautioned against it or not. C.J.: Well, what are they recommending? Josh: Something called "abstinence plus". C.J.: Abstinence plus? Josh: Yes. C.J.: What's that mean? Josh: Well, Sam's renamed it 'everything but'. C.J.: Everything but? Josh: Yes. C.J.: Ah. Josh: Yes. C.J.: They want teachers to teach... Josh: Yes. C.J.: And so the sticky wicket joke was..? Josh: A regrettable pun. Should I order you some food? C.J.: Y'know, I can't remember the last time I got home before midnight. Josh: By the way, pages 27 to 33? A couple of things every girl should know. C.J.: Get me a salad. Hamlin: [on why the government should cut funding to PBS] Product licensing for this merchandise brings in over $20 million a year, none of which goes to PBS, all of which goes to the show's producer, the Children's Television Workshop. Now this is a company whose chief executive earns high six-figures in salary and benefits per year. Yet Sesame Street is subsidized by taxpayer dollars. Toby: It's a perfectly reasonable complaint. Sondra: And? Toby: I don't care. Hamlin: Toby... Toby: We're gonna see to all those things. In the meantime, at a time when the public is rightly concerned about the impact of sex and violence on TV this administration is gonna protect the Muppets, we're gonna protect Wall Street Week, we're gonna protect Live From Lincoln Center and by God, we are going to protect Julia Child. C.J.: If you call Mr. and Mrs. Lydell in St. Paul and ask them why... Danny: Don't. C.J.: Look... Danny: Don't leak me a story. C.J.: I wasn't. Danny: I've seen this look on the face of four other press secretaries before you. You've got a story in the trash this week that's a story, you want it out there and someone said, "No." C.J.: They're all stories this week. Danny: That happens sometimes. C.J.: Four other press secretaries and you never took a free lead? Danny: I always took a free lead. C.J.: Then... Danny: Not from you. C.J.: Why? Danny: Cause twenty minutes from now, you're gonna remember you're a professional and you're not gonna like me anymore. C.J.: What makes you think I like you now? Danny: I don't know. But, as long as you keep grabbing me and kissing me, what the hell do I care? C.J.: Good point. Danny: If there's a story, I'll find it. C.J.: No, you won't. Danny: How do you know? C.J.: Cause we've gotten very good at this. Danny: Yes, you have. C.J. Yes, we have. Bartlet: Mrs. Landingham. Mrs. Landingham: Yes sir? Bartlet: You're not going to believe this but I think I'd actually like a banana. Mrs. Landingham: I'm afraid not sir, no. Bartlet: Why not? Mrs. Landingham: You were offered one earlier, sir, and you were snippy. Bartlet: I wasn't snippy! Mrs. Landingham: I'm afraid you were, Mr. President. [looks toward the oval office] C.J.'s waiting, sir. Bartlet: Thank you, Mrs. Landingham. [To C.J. as he enters the Oval Office] She withholds food from me. Mr. Lydell: The hate crimes bill is fine. Who gives a damn? It's fine, I don't care. If you ask me, we shouldn't be making laws against what's in a person's head but I don't give a damn, it's fine. I don't understand how this president, who I voted for, I don't understand how he can take such a completely weak ass position on gay rights. Gays in the military, same sex marriage, gay adoption, boards of education. Where the hell is he? I want to know what quality necessary to being a parent the president feels my son lacked. I want to know from this president who has served not one day in uniform - I had two terms in Vietnam - I want to know what quality necessary to being a soldier this president feels my son lacked. Lady I'm not embarrassed that my son is gay, my government is. Take this Sabbath Day Sam: The U.S. is one of five countries on earth that puts to death people who're under the age of 18 when they committed a crime. Charlie: Nigeria. Sam: Pakistan. Charlie: Saudi Arabia and Iran? Sam: Yeah. So, that's a list we definitely want to be on. Toby: The Torah doesn't prohibit capital punishment. Rabbi Glassman: No. Toby: It says, 'An eye for an eye'. Rabbi Glassman: You know what it also says? It says a rebellious child can be brought to the city gates and stoned to death. It says homosexuality is an abomination and punishable by death. It says men can be polygamous and slavery is acceptable. For all I know, that thinking reflected the best wisdom of its time, but it's just plain wrong by any modern standard. Society has a right to protect itself, but it doesn't have a right to be vengeful. It has a right to punish, but it doesn't have a right to kill. Toby: You want me to walk into the Oval Office and say, "Vengeance is not Jewish?" Rabbi Glassman: Why not? Toby: Well, for one thing, neither is the President! Rabbi Glassman: Say what you will about the Catholic Church, but their position on life is unimpeachable: no abortion, no death penalty. Toby: I spent yesterday... Rabbi Glassman: You spent yesterday hoping the President wouldn't call the Pope. Toby: You're damn right I did. Rabbi Glassman: If he had done it, after doing so, the fear of every non-Catholic who voted for him would be realized. Toby: Congratulations Rabbi Glassman, you may now join the White House communications staff! Bartlet: Charlie, I'm going to ask you a question. And this is one of those times that it's OK to tell me I've stepped over the line, and I should shut my mouth, okay? Charlie: Okay. Bartlet: What happened to the guy who shot your mother? Charlie: They haven't found him yet, sir. Bartlet: If they did, would you want to see him executed? Killing a police officer is a capital crime. I figured you must have thought about it. Charlie: Yes, sir. Bartlet: And? Charlie: I wouldn't want to see him executed, Mr. President. [pause] I'd want to do it myself. Bartlet: [looks thoughtful] Yeah. Bartlet: I want you to know that I had a number of people on my staff search for a reason the public would find palatable to commute the sentence. Technicality. Any evidence of racism. Father Cavanaugh: So your staff spent the weekend looking for a way out. Bartlet: Yeah. Father Cavanaugh: Like the kid in right field who doesn't want the ball to get hit to him. Bartlet: I'm the leader of a democracy, Tom. 71% of the people support capital punishment. The people have spoken. The courts have spoken. Father Cavanaugh: Did you call the Pope? Bartlet: Yeah. Father Cavanaugh: And how do you do that? Bartlet: Oh, for crying out loud, Tom. I open my mouth and say, "Somebody get me the Pope." Father Cavanaugh: [raising a finger to emphasize his point] Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. President, but I was thinking... [pause] You're just this kid from my parish, and now you're calling the Pope. Bartlet: Anyway...I looked for a way out, I really did. Father Cavanaugh: "Vengeance is mine," sayeth the Lord. You know what that means? God is the only one who gets to kill people. Bartlet: I know. Father Cavanaugh: That was your way out. Bartlet: I know. Father Cavanaugh: Did you pray? Bartlet: I did, Tom. I know it's hard to believe, but I prayed for wisdom. Father Cavanaugh: And none came? Bartlet: It never has. And I'm a little pissed off about that. [glances at his watch as it hits midnight] I'm not kidding. Father Cavanaugh: You know, you remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town. And that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, "I’m religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me." The waters rose up. A guy in a row boat came along and he shouted, "Hey, hey you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety." But the man shouted back, "I’m religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me." A helicopter was hovering overhead. And a guy with a megaphone shouted, "Hey you, you down there. The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I’ll take you to safety." But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that God will take him to safety. Well... the man drowned. And standing at the gates of St. Peter, he demanded an audience with God. "Lord," he said, "I’m a religious man, I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?" God said, "I sent you a radio report, a helicopter, and a guy in a rowboat. What the hell are you doing here?" [pause] He sent you a priest, a rabbi, and a Quaker, Mr. President. Not to mention his son, Jesus Christ. What do you want from him? [C.J. knocks on the door and enters] C.J.: Excuse me. [she hands the President a note, then leaves; Bartlet stands, and leans on his desk in silence for a moment] Father Cavanaugh: Jed...would you like me to hear your confession? Bartlet: Yes, please. [takes up his rosary and kneels next to Cavanaugh, crossing himself] Bless me, Father, for I have sinned... Celestial Navigation C.J.: [knocks on Josh's door] Josh... Josh: [looks up] What the hell happened? C.J.: I had woot canal. Josh: What happened to your cheeks? C.J.: I had woot canal! Josh: Why are you talking like that? C.J.: I had woot canal! Josh: Yeah, I heard you the first time, I was just amusing myself. C.J.: I can suggesht some ovva fings you can do wif yourshelf! Josh: Are you in pain? C.J.: I HAD WOOT CANAL! Josh: You're gonna need to stop saying that, 'cause you just look and sound so ridiculous. Josh: First, I'm happy to tell you that the incident involving Secretary O'Leary and Congressman Wooden has been dispensed with... though not really, and I'll get to that at the end. Sam asked C.J. to move the briefing to two o'clock so that we could fold in the teachers. C.J. had emergency root canal surgery at noon and so was unable to brief. Bartlet: Who did? Josh: I did. Bartlet: Oh, God. Josh: You're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation. Bartlet: I have a secret plan to fight inflation? Josh: No. Bartlet: Why am I going to be reading that I do? Josh: It was suggested in the press room that you do. Bartlet: By who? Josh: By me. Bartlet: You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation? Josh: No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that. Bartlet: Josh, I'm a little confused. Josh: Sir, there was this idiotic round robin. It was sarcastic. There was no way they didn't know that. They were just mad at me for imposing discipline and calling them stupid. Bartlet: Okay, before we go on: C.J., if blood is gushing from a head wound you just received from a herd of stampeding bison, you'll do the press briefings. C.J.: Yes sir. Josh: I denied it for half an hour, they wouldn't take no for an answer! Bartlet: You were clear? Josh: I was crystal clear! They said, "Do you think that if the President has a plan to fight inflation, it's right that he keep it a secret?" I said, of course not! Bartlet: Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it? Leo: [about Judge Mendoza] He’s driving from Nova Scotia to Washington? Sam: Yeah. Leo: How’s a person do that? Sam: Oh, my guess is, he’ll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick, then maybe catch the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine. 95 through New Hampshire to the Mass Pike, and then cut over to the Merritt Parkway 'round Milford. Toby: Something really kinda freakish about you, you know that? Mendoza: You pull all the strings you want, Toby, but not for me. Come Monday, I'm gonna avail myself of the criminal justice system for which I have worked my entire adult life. Toby: Judge, due respect. Get your things and let's go. Mendoza: [angrily] My kid was in the car, Toby. They patted me down and they handcuffed me in front of my nine-year-old boy. Then he and his mother got to see them put me in the squad car and drive away. Toby: He's also seen you wearing a robe with a gavel in your hand. Mendoza: He doesn't understand that. He doesn't know what that is. He understands what the police are because he watches television. That's what he's gonna remember, his father being handcuffed. So America just got another pissed-off guy with dark skin. 20 Hours in L.A. Charlie: [on Air Force 1] How you doing? Zoey: Hi. Charlie: Listen, uh, I don't know if I'm going to be able to be as attentive on this trip as you would like. Zoey: That's okay. You're working. Charlie: Well, I've been trying to listen to some of the many lessons you've been giving me on how to be a better boyfriend and I know that attentiveness-- Zoey: No, this is one of the times when it's okay. Charlie: Okay. It's hard to tell the difference between those times and the other times. Zoey: I know. Doesn't that suck for you? Charlie: A little bit, yeah. Bartlet: Okay. Zoey's 19 and she wants to be a teenager. She wants a college experience, and I can't blame her. I loved college. So did my other daughters. I want Zoey to be comfortable with her protection, I don't want her to try and give you the slip. It's not your job to tell me she wants to cut English Lit, it's not your job to tell me if she's dying her hair blue, or going to a strip club, or whatever it is she's doing with her friends. You know what your job is. Gina: Yes, sir. Bartlet: Thank you. Gina: [gets up and shakes his hand] Thank you, Mr. President. Bartlet: Gina? Gina: Yes, sir? Bartlet: If she's cutting English Lit, I want to know about it. Gina: No deal, Mr. President. Bartlet: Okay. [smiles] Bartlet: We'll see you there. Toby: What, I'm not coming in the car? Bartlet: No, and you know why? Because you made fun of the guacamole. Toby: I didn't! Bartlet: I could tell you were thinking it. Toby: ...Fair enough. Al Kiefer: Mr. President, do you want to sew up reelection right now? Do you want a lock on your second term right here, right now in this room? Bartlet: What do you got? Josh: Why do you encourage him? Bartlet: What do you got, Al? Al Kiefer: A truckload of voters, Mr. President, about 47%, overwhelmingly white men, pool and patio types, who voted against you by 20 plus points. They share an affinity towards authority, a President. And they see you as smart and having vision, so why didn't they vote for you? Because they also see you as a wimp. Two-thirds of them on a thermometer place you as some degree of weak. Josh: We've heard these numbers before. Bartlet: Yeah, but I never get tired of hearing them, you know. Especially in front of my daughter. Al Kiefer: Look, I get that this is not the most popular idea in the room. But I got numbers, and I know numbers, and I trust numbers. And the reason you're all looking a little pale right now is so do you. This is not theoretical. The flag burning amendment made it through the House with 20 votes over the required two-thirds. It hasn't made it through the Senate yet, but that day will come, that day will come, that day will come soon. Laws against flag burning are favored overwhelmingly in the polls, and a constitutional amendment won't be subject to a Presidential veto, or overturning by the Supreme Court. Toby: Look... Al Kiefer: This all adds up to one thing, Mr. President. It's over! The game's been played and won. But because of guys like me, you get the results before anyone else does, so you get to pick which side you're on. And not only do we get to be on the winning team, we get to lead the winning team. [Josh's phone rings. He walks away from the table.] Josh: Excuse me. Al Kiefer: Toby, you're smiling. Toby: I just figured out who you were. Al Kiefer: He's going to say Satan. Toby: No. You're the guy that runs into 7-Eleven to get Satan a pack of cigarettes. Leo: John, I know we've had our ups and downs, but let me be your guy here for a second. You can't be thinking about being the first vice president in history to break a tie going the other way. Hoynes: I'm not looking to make history. Leo: Then what are you looking for, John? You're going to get ink either way. Hoynes: Leo. Leo: I know that it eats at you that there is friction between you and my staff. You think they don't respect you. And they do. They just don't trust you. And frankly, neither does the President. Hoynes: Well... Leo: I mean I know that's tough. But God, John, I'm the one that convinced him to put you on the ticket. And I'm going to be the one standing here when you make history, whether you're going to or not. Hoynes: Leo, one of these days you're going to have to allow for the possibility that my motives might not always be sinister. You and your staff are remarkably smug, and frankly so is the President. And the fact that you think I give a damn that there is some friction between me and your staff is certainly proof enough of that. Leo: John, you will not be able to set foot in the West Wing. You will not be on the ticket in three years. Hoynes: Leo, I think you guys set me up. Leo: You think the President of the United States can arrange for a 50-50 tie in the Senate? Hoynes: I think the President of the United States can do pretty much whatever he wants. Leo: You're wrong. The White House Pro-Am Josh: We're gonna do 'good cop, bad cop.' Toby: No, we're really not. Josh: Why not? Toby: 'Cause this isn't an episode of Hawaii Five-O. How about you be the good cop and I be the cop that doesn't go to the meeting? Toby: You're concerned about American labor and manufacturing? Congressman: Yeah. Toby: What kind of car do you drive? Congressman: Toyota. Toby: Then shut up. ... Josh: [in the hall] This, right here, this is the reason why you have a reputation as a pain in the ass. Toby: I've cultivated that reputation. ... Josh: What would you have done if he had said he drove an American car? Toby: Found some other way of humiliating him. Josh: You like winning, don't you? Toby: Saves you from having to say the word please. Danny: [sitting outside the Oval Office] How you doing. Mrs. Landingham? Mrs. Landingham: [smiles] Fine. Thank you, Danny. Danny: [smiles] You keep glancing over like you're afraid I'm gonna steal something. Mrs. Landingham: No, I'm not used to having members of the print media in here. Danny: I'll try not to get ink on the furniture. Mrs. Landingham: Aw, Danny, and I was just about to offer you a cookie. Danny: And now? Mrs. Landingham: No. Danny: I saw you guys are going to the opening on Friday. Charlie: No. Danny: No? Charlie: Security. Danny: Is Zoey bothered? Charlie: You know, Danny, I don't mind talking, but I say it here and 10 million people read about tomorrow. Danny: Thanks for the boost in my circulation but I'm actually off the record up here. Charlie: [looks down] It's not going to work. Danny: What's not going to work? Charlie: You know what I'm talking about. Danny: You and Zoey? Charlie: Yeah. Danny: Why? Charlie: [angry] Look, I do what I do...I go where I go. If it's a problem for the Secret Service that I'm black... Danny: Whoa.... Charlie: ...then that's the way it is. But she shouldn't expect candy and flowers, you know what I mean? Danny: I know what you're saying. But I don't think the problem is you're black. I think the problem is you're stupid. Charlie: Well, thanks, Danny. You picked me right up. Danny: You bet. Listen, the Hardy Boys in the letters they're talking about, they may be heavily armed but I wouldn't put a lot of money on their marksmanship. One of these days they're gonna miss her and hit me. Two thousand marriage proposals, 2,000 death threats, a dozen bodyguards. Everyone wants to get close. Everyone wants a thing. Plus, and I say this standing fifteen feet from the Oval Office, life with father couldn't have been a real company picnic, you know. If it was me, just for now, I'd make sure I was the one guy in her life who was hassle free. That's just me. Abbey: Okay. So just ease up on the high ground. Bartlet: On that point I concede the high ground. Abbey: And I concede I was wrong about the thing. Bartlet: Good. Abbey: However... Bartlet: No. No "however". Just be wrong. Just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong and get used to it. Six Meetings Before Lunch Jeff Breckenridge: You got a dollar? Josh: Yeah. Jeff Breckenridge: Take it out. Look at the back. The seal, the pyramid, it's unfinished, with the eye of God looking over it, and the words annuit coeptis - he, God, favors our undertaking. The seal is meant to be unfinished, because this country's meant to be unfinished. We're meant to keep doing better. We're meant to keep discussing and debating. And we're meant to read books by great historical scholars and then talk about them... Sam: Mallory, everything that you're saying makes sense. I just think that the state of urban schools is such that if you can save even one kid... Mallory: [stands] You can save more than one kid... Sam: Tell me how. Mallory: By asking Congress to approve, not just a little, but a lot more money for public education. [Sam laughs] Mallory: What? Sam: [stands] Public education has been a public policy disaster for 40 years. Having spent around four trillion dollars on public schools since 1965, the result has been a steady and inexorable decline in every measurable standard of student performance, to say nothing of health and safety. But don't worry about it, because the U.S. House of Representatives is on the case. I feel better already. Mallory:[beat] Wow. Sam: What? Mallory: For a guy who's trying to date me, that was pretty snotty. Sam: Well, hang on. These are office hours. If I'd known I was working on that I would have had a whole different attitude. Mallory: He's in favor of school vouchers, Dad. Leo: No, Mallory. He's really not. Mallory: Yes, he is. Leo: No, he's not. Mallory: I read the position paper. Leo: It's opposition prep. Mallory: Opposition prep? Leo: When we're gearing up for a debate, we have the smart guys take the other side. Mallory: [to Sam] You stood there and argued with me. Sam: Yes. Mallory: Why? Sam: You made an appointment. Mallory: Sam... Leo: Would the two of you take it outside? Sam: I thought you were trying to drive a wedge between us. Leo: Yeah, but now you're just boring the crap out of me. Mallory: Hey... Sam: Mallory, education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don't need little changes. We need gigantic revolutionary changes. Schools should be palaces. Competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be getting six-figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge for its citizens, just like national defense. That is my position. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet. Toby: I feel like I've lost 180 pounds. I am smiling, I am laughing, I am enjoying the people I work with - I gotta snap outta this. What's on your mind? Mandy: I want you to help me get the Chinese to give us a new panda bear to replace LumLum. [Very long pause] Toby: Well that did the trick. [The office staff watches the Senate start to vote on Mendoza's confirmation to the Supreme Court and begin celebrating. Bonnie starts handing around a bottle of champagne] Toby: Put it down! Put it down! Bonnie: Toby! Toby: No champagne. Bonnie: We're just getting-- Toby: Put it down. Everyone in this room, let me have your attention! Please. The law of our land mandates that Presidential appointees be confirmed by a majority of the Senate, a majority being a total of half plus one for a total of what, Ginger? Ginger: Fifty-one. Toby: Fifty-one 'yea' votes is what we see on these screens before a drop of wine is swallowed! Because there's a little thing called what, Bonnie? Bonnie: "Tempting fate"? Toby: "Tempting fate" is what it's called. In the three months that this man has been on my radar screen, I have aged forty-eight years. This is my day of jubilee, I will not have it screwed up by what, Bonnie? Bonnie: By tempting fate. Toby: By tempting fate! These things take patience. These things take skill. These things take luck. In the fifteen months we've been in office, what kind of luck have we had? Ginger? Ginger: Bad luck. Toby: [clears his throat and raises his eyebrows] What kind of luck? Ginger: Very bad luck. Toby: We've had very bad luck. Let Bartlet Be Bartlet C.J.: The theme of the Egg Hunt is "learning is delightful and delicious" - as, by the way, am I. Bartlet: Can we get this god-forsaken event over with so I can get back to presiding over a civilization gone to hell in a hand cart? Mrs. Landingham: Nice talk for a president. Bartlet: Leave me alone. Mrs. Landingham: You know what this is, don't you, sir? Bartlet: What what is? Mrs. Landingham: Your mood, sir. Bartlet: Nothing wrong with my mood. Mrs. Landingham: It's your diet. Bartlet: Will you get off me with that? Mrs. Landingham: You're not getting enough roughage in your diet. You know I'm right about that. Bartlet: I know I'd like to beat you senseless with a head of cabbage, I know that for damn sure. Mrs. Landingham: Once again you display an immaturity about vegetables that I think is not at all presidential. Major Tate: Sir, we're not prejudiced toward homosexuals. Admiral Fitzwallace: You just don't want to see them serving in the Armed Forces? Major Tate: No, sir, I don't. Admiral Fitzwallace: 'Cause they impose a threat to unit discipline and cohesion. Major Tate: Yes, sir. Admiral Fitzwallace: That's what I think, too. I also think the military wasn't designed to be an instrument of social change. Major Tate: Yes, sir. Admiral Fitzwallace: The problem with that is, that's what they were saying about me fifty years ago. "Blacks shouldn't serve with whites. It would disrupt the unit." You know what? It did disrupt the unit. The unit got over it. The unit changed. I'm an admiral in the U.S. Navy and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff... Beat that with a stick. Bartlet: Leo, if I ever told you to get aggressive about campaign finance or gays in the military, you would tell me, 'Don't run too fast or go too far.' Leo: If you ever told me to get aggressive about anything, I'd say I serve at the pleasure of the President. [pause] But we'll never know, sir, because I don't think you're ever gonna say it. Bartlet: I have said it, and nothing's ever happened! Leo: You want to see me orchestrate this right now? You want to see me mobilize these people? These people who would walk into fire if you told them to. These people who showed up to lead. These people who showed up to fight. [points at Charlie] That guy gets death threats because he’s black and he dates your daughter! He was warned: “Do not show up to this place. Your life will be in danger.” He said, “To hell with that, I’m going anyway.” You said, “No.” Prudent or not prudent, this 21-year-old at 600 dollars a week says, “I’m going where I want to, because a man stands up!” [pause] Everyone's waiting for you. I don't know how much longer. Bartlet: I don't want to feel like this anymore. Leo: You don't have to. Bartlet: I don't want to go to sleep like this. Leo: You don't have to. Bartlet: I want to speak. Leo: Say it out loud. Say it to me. Bartlet: This is more important than reelection. I want to speak now. Leo: Say it again. Bartlet: This is more important than reelection. I want to speak now. Leo: Now we're in business! Leo: Listen up. Our ground game isn't working; we're gonna put the ball in the air. If we're gonna walk into walls, I want us running into them full speed. Josh: What are you saying? Leo: Well, you can start by telling the Hill the President's named his nominees to the FEC. And we're gonna lose some of these battles. And we might even lose the White House. But we're not going to be threatened by issues: we're going to put 'em front and center. We're gonna raise the level of public debate in this country, and let that be our legacy. That sound alright to you Josh? Josh: I serve at the pleasure of the President of the United States. Leo: Yeah? C.J.: I serve at the pleasure of the President. Sam: I serve at the pleasure of President Bartlet. Leo: Toby? Toby: I serve at the pleasure of the President. Mandatory Minimums Bonnie: [after Josh told the Senate Majority Leader to "shove his legislative agenda up [his] ass"] Rambo! Josh: You talking to me? Bonnie: Nice phone call. Josh: That's how we do things in New England, my friends. Bonnie: In Indiana, we're not allowed to talk like that. Ginger: In New Jersey, we encourage it. Sam: mandatory minimums are racist. Toby: I understand that. Sam: They're a red herring. Toby: I understand that, too. Sam: It's a way of looking like you're tough on crime, without assuming the burden of being tough on crime. Toby: Everything you've said I understand. Sam: I'm saying... Toby: We do things one thing at a time. Sam: But I'm saying we don't have time to do things one thing at a time. Toby: We're talking about treatment. Sam: I'm talking about treatment and I'm talking about mandatory minimums and I'm saying it's a red herring and I'm saying it's racist. Toby: When you talk to the President, I want you talking about treatment. I want you talking about treatment vs. enforcement and I don't want you to stray from that! Sam: Toby, is this what you meant when you said, "Sam, you're completely in charge of this"? Toby: Yes, I meant, you're completely in charge of this, in the sense that you're subordinate to me in every way. Toby: [to Andy] I have to get back to work. And you, being a Congresswoman... I'm sure you need to be back out there... you know, screwing the people. Josh: Take it easy. Sam: I won’t take it easy! Give me the phone. I'm gonna call the Senator and I'm gonna tell him that he can shove his legislative agenda up his ass! Josh: I've already done that. Sam: I'll do it again. Josh: You know what this is like? This is like The Godfather. When Pacino tells James Caan that he's gonna kill the cop. It's a lot like that scene, only not really. ... Josh: It is like that scene. I'm James Caan. [to Sam] You're...you're Al Pacino. Toby: Let's go. Josh: Toby, you're the guy who shows Pacino how to make tomato sauce. Toby: Mr. President. Bartlet: We were almost done. Toby: I... met with Congresswoman Wyatt today. Bartlet: When you were married to her, did you call her Congresswoman Wyatt? Toby: No, sir. Bartlet: Sometimes I call my wife Dr. Bartlet. Toby: I call her Andy or uh... Andrea. Bartlet: Okay. Toby: Mandatory minimums. Bartlet: You're whupped, my friend. Toby: Sir. Bartlet: No, she's been talking to you for a year about mandatory minimums. You've been saying no. Looks like we know who wears the pants in the Ziegler family. Toby: You call your wife “Dr. Bartlet”? Bartlet: Just for the turn-on. Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics Toby: Since when are you an expert on language? C.J.: In polling models? Toby: Okay. C.J.: 1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass? Toby: Since long before that. Bartlet: I looked at the Federated States of Micronesia. I can't fire our ambassador. Toby: Why not? Bartlet: Somebody's going to ask me why I fired him and I'm not gonna be able to come up with the answer they're looking for. Toby: Well, Sam's got you covered. Bartlet: How? Sam: You're not going to fire the ambassador. You're going to promote him. Bartlet: To what? Sam: Ambassador to Paraguay. Bartlet: And what happens to the ambassador of Paraguay? Sam: You make him Ambassador to Bulgaria. Bartlet: Hey, I like this. Of course, if everybody keeps moving up one, then I get to go home. Bartlet: Toby, are you in here sticking up for Sam? Toby: I know it's strange, sir. But I'm feeling a... a certain... big brotherly connection right now. You know, obviously, I'd like that feeling to go away as soon as possible, but for the moment I think there's no danger in the White House standing by Sam and aggressively going after the people who set him up. Ambassador Cochran: [after recognizing Charlie] I resigned my membership in that club, by the way. Charlie: Did you? Ambassador Cochran: Oh yeah. I find exclusive clubs to be repugnant. Charlie: I couldn't help but notice that didn't stop you from joining up in the first place. Ambassador Cochran: Now, that's out of line. That's out of line and that shouldn't have been said. And you've forgotten that you're addressing an U.S. Ambassador. Charlie: I apologize, sir. Ambassador Cochran: I'm sorry to do this, but I'd like to speak to your supervisor. Charlie: Well, I'm Personal Aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now trying to find a back door to this place to shove you out of, but I'll let him know you'd like to lodge a complaint. Bartlet: We agree on nothing, Max. Senator Lobell: Yes, sir. Bartlet: Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes - you name it, we disagree. Senator Lobell: You know why? Bartlet: Because I'm a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egghead communist. Senator Lobell: Yes, sir. And I'm a gun-toting, redneck son-of-a-bitch. Bartlet: Yes, you are. Senator Lobell: We agree about that. Bartlet: We also agree on campaign finance. Senator Lobell: Yes, sir. Bartlet: So, Max. Senator Lobell: Yes, sir? Bartlet: Let's work together on campaign finance. Senator Lobell: You don't have the votes in the House. Bartlet: I don't need them. 1978, the FEC voted a regulatory rule that opened the door to soft money. The FEC can close it again with 4 of the 6 votes. We don't need a law. Senator Lobell: And how are you going to get the four votes? Bartlet: Two seats opened up, I nominated Bacon and Calhoun. Senator Lobell: That's two. Bartlet: Barry Haskel was with us already. We took him out of the closet. Senator Lobell: How are you going to get the 4th seat to open up? Bartlet: Toby's going to take care of that right away. Max, can I count on your support to confirm my candidates? Senator Lobell: And what do I get in exchange? Bartlet: [beat] The thanks of a grateful President. Senator Lobell: Good answer, sir. Bartlet: [to Toby] Go. What Kind of Day Has It Been Bartlet: Here’s another one. Two politicians are having an argument. One of them stands up and says, "You’re lying!" The other one answers, "Yes, I am, but hear me out." [audience laughs] Moderator: Mr. President, do you have time for one more question? Bartlet: I don’t think I answered the last one. Suzanne’s got me telling jokes. Here’s an answer to your question that I don’t think you’re going to like: the current crop of 18–25-year-olds is the most politically apathetic generation in American history. In 1972, half of that age group voted. In the last election, 32%. Your generation is considerably less likely than any previous one to write or call public officials, attend rallies, or work on political campaigns. A man once said this, "decisions are made by those who show up." So are we failing you, or are you failing us? It's a little of both. Josh: [while jogging] There was a reckless deregulation of the S&L industry by a Democratic Congress, it was flooded with S&L donations. A disaster which nearly collapsed the banking industry and cost the taxpayers 500 billion dollars. Hoynes: What's your point? Josh: We're no better with the money than they are. Hoynes: Tell me about it. Josh: Three-quarters of all soft money coming to the Democratic party isn't coming from labor unions, it's coming from corporations. Hoynes: Yes, I know. Josh: Over a hundred businesses gave both parties in excess of $125,000 in the last election. Hoynes: I know. Josh: They gave it to both parties! This isn't free speech or political values, Mr. Vice President. I don't know how we've done it, but we've legalized bribery. Hoynes: Yup. Josh: So, now what we've got is two corporate parties - one pro-life, one pro-choice. Hoynes: Josh, like I said, what's your point? I mean, what's your point? Josh: We've noticed the sudden increase in racquetball and late-night poker games with democratic opponents of campaign finance reform. Hoynes: Come on, Josh, this is Washington, DC. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Democratic opponent of campaign finance reform. Josh: Can we stop running for a second? [They stop running] You're backing the wrong horse. You read the same polls I do. President's gone up nine points in three weeks. 51% job approval - big deal. But he's going on national television tonight, that's going to be another 5 that's 56%, a 14-point bump in a month. Hoynes: Look, Josh... Josh: Hang on. If we bring this pilot back home alive, that's another 10 points. And then we're off to the races with a job approval rating in the high 60s. Now every Democratic congressman in a tight race is looking to get his picture taken with the president, and you're looking around the racquetball court, saying, "Where did everybody go?" You've had some experience battling Jed Bartlet when he's right, and you've had some experience battling him when he's popular. Why in the world would you want to try it when he's both at the same time? Hoynes: You know something, Josh, sometimes I wonder if I'd listened to you two years ago, would I be President right now? Do you ever wonder that? Josh: No sir, I know it for sure. C.J.: Danny, I don't even want to hear it. I did exactly the right thing. Your nose is bent out of joint, and I don't give a damn. Danny: You looked at me point-blank and told me you were looking at a diplomatic... C.J.: Danny... Danny: You looked at me and told me... C.J.: What did you think I was going to do, Danny? Give you longitude and latitude? Did you think I was going to fork over the radio frequency that we're transmitting on? Danny: You didn't have to answer the question. C.J.: I did! Danny: You could have said, "Danny, we're not ruling anything in or out, and I'm not going to let you take me down that path" and we would have been done with it. C.J.: Danny, if by standing up and lying, I misdirected Iraqi intelligence for even half a beat, then it was absolutely worth it. That's a no-brainer. And if I didn't, it was certainly worth trying. There were only 50 people in the world who can't understand why I lied this morning, and they all work in the White House pressroom. I'm sleeping fine tonight. Danny: You didn't have to call on me. Every hand shot up, everybody's hand shot up, everybody was going to ask the same question, you knew what your answer was going to be, and you called on me. C.J.: Well, yes, I did. Danny: And you wouldn't have rather done that to a journalist that's been less supportive of this administration than I have? C.J.: No, I chose you. Danny: C.J., I'm not staying in the penalty box forever. I have covered the White House for eight years and I've done it with the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News! And I'm telling you you can't mess me around like this! C.J.: Danny, I just gotta tell you, that was - seriously - that was a turn-on when you said that, though I don't know why you decided to be your most haughty on the Dallas Morning News in that sentence. Bartlet: You're not going to spoil my good time for me. Mrs. Landingham: Oh, sir, I think we both know from experience that's not true. Bartlet: Yeah. Mrs. Landingham: You need to be in the car ten minutes ago, Mr. President. Bartlet: Do you see me walking out the door? Mrs. Landingham: No, I see you standing and arguing with a senior citizen. Bartlet: They’re telling me that we’re out of time. I just want to mention that at several points during the evening, I was referred to as both a liberal and a populist, and a fellow fourth from the back called me a socialist, which is nice, I haven’t heard that for a while. Actually, I’m an economics professor. My great-grandfather’s great-grandfather was Dr. Josiah Bartlett, who was the New Hampshire delegate representative to the Second Continental Congress, the one that sat in session in Philadelphia in the summer of 1776 and announced to the world that we were no longer subjects of King George III, but rather a self-governing people. "We hold these truths to be self-evident," they said, "that all men are created equal." Strange as it may seem, that was the first time in history that anyone had ever bothered to write that down. Decisions are made by those who show up. Class dismissed. Thank you, everyone. God bless you. And God bless America. Season Two In the Shadow of Two Gunmen, Part I [the President's motorcade races away from an assassination attempt] Bartlet: Is anybody dead back there? Special Agent Ron Butterfield: We don't know. We don't think so. Bartlet: [seeing a bloodstained cloth wrapped around Agent Butterfield's right hand] What happened to your hand? Butterfield: I got hit. Bartlet: Oh, God. [to the driver] Coop, turn around! We've gotta go to a hospital! Butterfield: No. We're going to the White House. Bartlet: We're going to a hospital! Let's go! Butterfield: I have to put you inside the White House, Mr. President! This isn't something we discuss. Bartlet: This isn't-! [angrily] My daughter is throwing up on the floor of car behind us! You're losing blood by the liter, not to mention God knows how many broken bones you've got in your hand! [blood begins to leak from the corner of his mouth] But let's make sure that I'm tucked in bed before we- Butterfield: Mr. President! [quickly checks the President's head and upper body for signs of injury, finding blood when he reaches the President's stomach; turning to the driver] GW! Blue, blue, blue! Zoey: [at the hospital] Dad? Bartlet: I'm okay. Zoey: Daddy?! Bartlet: It didn't hit anything, they're just gonna look around and make sure. Zoey: Are you in a lot of pain? Bartlet: No... Zoey: Are you lying? Bartlet: Yeah, cause I want these guys to tell reporters that I was brave and joking around. Zoey: You are brave. You were so good tonight, Dad. Bartlet: Honey, I'm fine. I'm just so happy to see you. Zoey: Mom's on her way. Bartlet: Mom's gonna be pretty pissed. Zoey: Yeah. [Leo enters] Leo: How you doing, kid? Zoey: I'm fine. Bartlet: She booted all over the back of her car. You know they're gonna bill me for that. [flashback] Woman: You've been a... um, uh, what did you call it? Toby: Professional political operative. Woman: You've been one your whole life. Toby: Well, there was a while back there when I was in elementary school. Woman: [laughs] You any good? Toby: [long pause] I'm very good at it. Woman: What's your record? Toby: My record? Woman: How many elections have you won? Toby: Altogether? [The woman nods] Toby: Including city council, two Congressional races, a senate race, a Gubernatorial campaign, and a national campaign? [long pause] None. Woman: None of 'em? Toby: You've gotta be impressed with my consistency. [flashback] Man: Governor Bartlet, when you were a member of Congress, you voted against the New England Dairy Farming Compact. That vote hurt me sir. I'm a businessman. That vote hurt me to the tune of maybe, 10 cents a gallon. I voted for you three times for Congress. I voted for you twice for Governor. And I'm here sir, and I'd like to ask you for an explanation. Bartlet: [pause] Yeah, I screwed you on that one. Man: I'm sorry? Bartlet: I screwed you. You got hosed. Man: Sir, I... Bartlet: And not just you. A lot of my constituents. I put the hammer to farms in Concord, Salem, Laconia, Pelham, Hampton, Hudson. You guys got rogered but good. Today for the first time in history, the largest group of Americans living in poverty are children. 1 in 5 children live in the most abject, dangerous, hopeless, back-breaking, gut-wrenching poverty any of us could imagine. 1 in 5, and they're children. If fidelity to freedom of democracy is the code of our civic religion then surely the code of our humanity is faithful service to that unwritten commandment that says we shall give our children better than we ourselves received. Let me put it this way: I voted against the bill because I didn't want to make it harder for people to buy milk. I stopped some money from flowing into your pocket. If that angers you, if you resent me, I completely respect that. But if you expect anything different from the President of the United States, you should vote for someone else. Thanks very much. Hope you enjoyed the chicken. [flashback] Bartlet: Why are you doing this? You're a player. You're bigger in the party than I am. Hoynes would probably make you National Chairman. Leo, tell me this isn't one of the twelve steps. Leo: That's what it is. Right after admitting that we are powerless over alcohol and a higher power can restore us to sanity. That's where you come in. Bartlet: Leo... Leo: Because I'm tired of it! Year, after year, after year of having to choose between the lesser of who cares? Of trying to get myself excited over a candidate who can speak in complete sentences. Of setting the bar so low, I can hardly look at it. They say a good man can't get elected president. I don't believe that, do you? Bartlet: And you think I'm that man? Leo: Yes. Bartlet: Doesn't it matter that I'm not as sure? Leo: Nah. 'Act as if ye have faith and faith shall be given to you.' Put another way: 'Fake it til you make it.' In the Shadow of Two Gunmen, Part II C.J.: We're confirming now that a suspect is in custody, and is being questioned by federal law enforcement. At this time, we cannot... we are not releasing any information whatsoever about the suspect. Steve: Can you tell us anything, his name, where he's from, his ethnicity, if you guys suspect a motive? C.J.: Yes, Steve, I can tell you those things, because when I said that we weren't releasing any information whatsoever, I meant except his name, his address, his ethnicity, and what we think his motives are. [flashback] C.J.: Bartlet's impressed with me? Toby: Very impressed. And one of the big keys to his game plan is bringing you on as Press Secretary. [pause] C.J.: He's never heard of me, has he? Toby: No. C.J.: Toby... Toby: I'm here on instructions from Leo McGarry. C.J.: McGarry wants me? Toby: Yes. Come join the campaign. C.J.: How much does it pay? Toby: How much were you making before? C.J.: $550,000 a year. Toby: This pays $600 a week. C.J.: So this is less. Toby: Yes. C.J.: Toby. Does he know I've only ever worked statewide? Does he know I've never worked on a national campaign before? Toby: Yes. It's Graduation Day. Margaret: Can I - can I just say something, you know, for the future? Leo: Yeah. Margaret: I can sign the President's name. I have his signature down pretty good. Leo: You can sign the President's name? Margaret: Yeah. Leo: On a document removing him from power and handing it to someone else? Margaret: Yeah. Or... do you think the White House Counsel would say that was a bad idea? Leo: I think the White House Counsel would say that was a coup d'état! Margaret: Well...I'd probably end up doing some time for that. Leo: I would think! And what the hell were you doing practicing the President's signature? Margaret: It was just for fun. Leo: We've got separation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret vetoing things and sending them back to the Hill! Toby: C.J.'s starting to get some questions about why the President's exit wasn't covered in Rosslyn. Special Agent Ron Butterfield: The Secret Service doesn't comment on procedure. Toby: Yeah. Ron, a few weeks after the President was sworn in, you got a memo about his protection. Butterfield: Yeah. Toby: It said he wanted to enter and exit in the open air, and he didn't like the feeling of traveling around in an armored tank. Butterfield: Yeah. Toby: Specifically, it said he wouldn't use the tent or the canopy anymore. Butterfield: Yeah. Toby: I wrote that memo, and the President signed it at my urging. Butterfield: I know. Toby: Ron, I don't think it's right that the Secret Service get blamed for what happened last night, I want the Treasury Department to hand over my memo to the Press. Butterfield: No, we can't do that. Toby: There are going to be a lot of questions. Butterfield: There are always a lot of questions. Toby: Ron. Butterfield: Don't worry about it, Toby. Toby: It's not right. You're the guys - look at your hand. Butterfield: My hand is fine. Toby: Your hand is not fine. Butterfield: Toby. Toby: Let me go over there and tell them it was my fault. Ron: It wasn't your fault. Butterfield: Ron. Ron: It wasn't your fault. It wasn't Gina's fault, it wasn't Charlie's fault, it wasn't anybody's fault, Toby. It was an act of madmen. You think a tent was going to stop them? We got the President in the car. We got Zoey in the car. And at a hundred and fifty yards, five stories up, the shooters were down nine point two seconds after the first shot was fired. I would never let you not let me protect the President. You tell us you don't like something, we figure out something else. It was an act of madmen. Anyway, the Secret Service doesn't comment on procedure. Toby: Okay. [Butterfield walks away.] Toby: Good job last night. Butterfield: Thank you. C.J.: This is our fifth press briefing since midnight. Obviously, there's one story that's going to dominate news around the world for the next few days, and it would be easy to think that President Bartlet, Joshua Lyman, and Stephanie Abbott were the only victims of a gun crime last night. They weren't. Mark Davis and Sheila Evans of Philadelphia were killed by a gun last night. He was a biology teacher, and she was a nursing student. Tina Bishop and Linda Larkin were killed with a gun last night. They were 12. There were 36 homicides last night. 480 sexual assaults, 3,411 robberies, 3,685 aggravated assaults, all at gunpoint. And if anyone thinks those crimes could have been prevented if the victims themselves had been carrying guns, I'd only remind you that the President of the United States was shot last night while surrounded by the best trained armed guards in the history of the world. Back to the briefing. [flashback] Bartlet: Tonight, what began on the commons in Concord, Massachusetts, as an alliance of farmers and workers, of cobblers and tinsmiths, of statesmen and students, of mothers and wives, of men and boys, lives two centuries later as America! My name is Josiah Bartlet, and I accept your nomination for the Presidency of the United States! The Midterms Bartlet: Good morning, everybody. Anybody know what the word 'acalculia' means? Sam: It's the inability to perform arithmetic functions...I'm sorry, Mr. President. You wanted to answer your own question, didn't you? Bartlet: Yeah, but I'll get over it. Sam: Good for you, sir. That's very mature. Bartlet: Shut up. Sam: You're not over it yet, are you? Bartlet: Toby, I'm drinking the most fantastic thing I've ever tasted in my life: chocolate syrup, whole milk, and seltzer. I know it sounds terrible, but trust me, I don't know where this has been all my life. Toby: It's called an egg cream, Mr. President. We invented them in Brooklyn. Bartlet: In Brooklyn? Not New England? Toby: There are many good things in this world not from New England, sir. Bartlet: Toby, don't ever let me hear you say that again. Charlie Okay. Zoey and I are going out. I'll be on my pager. Leo: You're going out? Charlie: Yeah. Leo: Charlie, you're taking extra protection, right? Charlie: Hey, Leo... Leo: Secret Service protection, Charlie. But thanks for loading me up with that image. Bartlet: Forgive me, Dr. Jacobs. Are you an M.D.? Dr. Jenna Jacobs: Ph.D. Bartlet: A Ph.D.? Dr. Jenna Jacobs: Yes, sir. Bartlet: In Psychology? Dr. Jenna Jacobs: No sir. Bartlet: Theology? Dr. Jenna Jacobs: No. Bartlet: Social work? Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I have a Ph.D. in English Literature. Bartlet: I'm asking, 'cause on your show, people call in for advice and you go by the name of Dr. Jacobs on your show. And I didn't know if maybe your listeners were confused by that, and assumed you had advanced training in Psychology, Theology, or health care. Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don't believe they are confused, no sir. Bartlet: Good. I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination. Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does. President Josiah Bartlet: Yes it does. Leviticus. Dr. Jenna Jacobs: 18:22. President Josiah Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits. [long pause; Dr. Jenna Jacobs stands] Josh: The House stayed the same? After four months and 400 million dollars, everything stayed the same. Sam: Yup. Josh: Tell me democracy doesn't have a sense of humor. We sit here, we drink this beer out here on the stoop, in violation of about 47 city ordinances. I don't know, Toby, it's election night. What do you say about a government that goes out of its way to protect even citizens that try to destroy it? Toby: God bless America. In this White House Josh: Toby, come quick, Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl. Toby: Ginger, get the popcorn. Bartlet: Charlie, I wanna hire a woman whose voice I think would fit in nicely around here. She's a conservative Republican. You think I should do it? Charlie: Absolutely, Mr. President, cause I'm told that theirs is the party of inclusion. Leo: So, I have to tell you, I've never seen Sam Seaborn get beat the way you beat him on Monday. Ainsley: Yes, well, Mr. McGarry... Leo: Leo. Ainsley: Yes, sir. I've been thinking about that ever since your office called me on Tuesday, and I have something to say on my own behalf, if you'll permit me a moment to say it, and I understand if you won't, but I would really appreciate it if you did. Leo: I... didn't really follow that, but whatever. Ainsley: I think that it is wrong for a man in your position to summon someone to the White House to reprimand them for voicing opposition. I think that that is wrong, and it is inappropriate. It's inappropriate, and I'll tell you what else. Leo: It's wrong? Ainsley: Yes. Leo: That's fine, except you weren't summoned here to be reprimanded. Ainsley: Well, then, if you'll permit me, why was I summoned? Leo: You have an interesting conversational style, do you know that? Ainsley: It's a nervous condition. Leo: I used to have a nervous condition. Ainsley: How did yours manifest itself? Leo: I drank a lot of scotch. Ainsley: I get sick when I drink too much. Leo: I get drunk when I drink too much. Ainsley: Well, Mr. McGarry... Leo: Leo. Ainsley: I'll ask again: for what purpose was I brought here today? Leo: So I could offer you a job. Ainsley: I'm asking because I do not think that it is fair that I be expected to play the role of the mouse to the White House's cat in the game of... you know the game? Leo: Cat and mouse? Ainsley: Yes. And it's not like I'm not, you know. The fact that I may not look like some of the other Republicans who have crossed your path does not mean that I'm any less inclined toward... Leo: Here it comes. Ainsley: Did you say offer me a job? Leo: Yes. Associate White House counsel. You'd report to the deputy White House counsel who reports to the White House counsel who reports to me. Ainsley: I'm sorry... a job in this White House? Leo: You want a glass of scotch? Ainsley: Yes, please. Ainsley: I have always been a Republican. My father is a Republican. His father was State Chairman of the North Carolina Republican Party. Leo: Yes. Ainsley: When I was young, I was a Young Republican. Leo: Yeah, Ainsley, even if you hadn't already told me all of this, you know, many, many times, I would know it anyway, 'cause I have this FBI file. Ainsley: You have my FBI file? Leo: Yes. Ainsley: I can't believe that! You have my FBI file? Leo: Yes. Ainsley: I have an FBI file? Leo: Ainsley... Ainsley: Mr. McGarry, I loathe almost everything you believe in. [stands up] Leo: Where are you going? Ainsley: I'm not going anywhere, I'm standing up, which is how one speaks in opposition in a civilized world. Leo: Well, you go, girl. Ainsley: I find this administration smug and patronizing, and under the impression that those who disagree with them are less than they are, and with colder hearts. Leo: I don't think that's true. Ainsley: How many people on your staff assumed that I was ambitious, mean, and stupid? Leo: None. [after a moment] C.J. Cregg thinks you kill your pets. You don't do that, do you? Ainsley: No, I don't kill my pets. I don't have any pets. I was thinking about getting a pet, but-- that doesn't matter. The point is... Leo: Ainsley. Ainsley: Yes, sir. Leo: Don't you want to work in the White House? Ainsley: Oh, only since I was two. Leo: [shrugging] Okay. Leo: Ainsley... Ainsley: Mr. McGarry. Leo: The President likes smart people who disagree with him. He wants to hear from you. The President's asking you to serve. And everything else is crap. Josh You're not taking the job? Ainsley: No. But thank you for talking to me, instead of about me. Josh: Hey, I'm still back on he offered you the job... but you're not taking the job? Sam: No, man, why participate in the process when you can get a job commenting on it? Ainsley: You think because I don't want to work here it's because I can get a better gig on Geraldo? Gosh, let's see if there could possibly be any other reason why I wouldn't want to work in this White House? This White House that feels that government is better for children than parents are. That looks at forty years of degrading and humiliating free lunches handed out in a spectacularly failed effort to level the playing field and says, 'Let's try forty more.' This White House that says of anyone that points that out to them, that they are cold and mean and racist, and then accuses Republicans of using the politics of fear. This White House that loves the Bill of Rights, all of them - except the second one. Sam: This is the wrong place to talk about guns right now. I thought your column was idiotic. Ainsley: Imagine my surprise. Sam: But for a brilliant surgical team and two centimeters of a miracle, this guy's [Josh] dead right now. From bullets fired from a gun bought legally. They bought guns, they loaded 'em, they drove from Wheeling to Rosslyn, and until they pulled the trigger they had yet to commit a crime. I am so off the charts tired of the gun lobby tossing around words like personal freedom and nobody calling 'em on it. It's not about personal freedom. And it certainly has nothing to do with public safety. It's just that some people like guns. Ainsley: Yes, they do. But do you know what's even more insidious than that? Your gun control position doesn't have anything to do with public safety, and it's certainly not about personal freedom. It's about that you don't like the people who do like guns. You don't like the people. Think about that the next time you make a joke about the South. Bruce: [about Ainsley being offered a job at the White House] Oh, damn. I wanted you to say it to his face. I wanted to see... Harriet: I hate these people. Bruce: Did you meet anyone there who isn't worthless? Ainsley: Don't say that. Bruce: Did you meet anyone there who has any - ? Ainsley: I said don't say that. Say they are smug and superior. Say their approach to public policy makes you want to tear your hair out. Say they like high taxes and spending your money. Say they want to take your guns and open your borders but don't call them worthless. At least don't do it in front of me. The people I have met have been extraordinarily qualified. Their intent is good. Their commitment is true. They are righteous, and they are patriots. And I'm their lawyer. And It's Surely to Their Credit Engineer: Cut take. Bartlet: Sorry, everybody. This is gonna be it. Four is my lucky number. Donna: This is take five, sir. Bartlet: Five is my lucky number. "Fifth-take Bartlet" - that's what Jack Warner used to call me. Donna: Did you really know Jack Warner, Mr. President? Bartlet: Yeah, because I used to be a contract player in Hollywood and I'm 97 years old. Engineer: Saturday morning radio address, take 21. Donna: I have a really good feeling about this one, sir. Bartlet: Is this still my first term? Ainsley: He was okay with it? Leo: He thinks it's a great idea. He can't wait to meet you. Ainsley: Lionel Tribbey. Leo: Yeah. Ainsley: Lionel Tribbey thinks hiring me was a great idea. Leo: Why are you surprised? Ainsley: Well, because I am a Republican and Lionel Tribbey is... incredibly not. Leo: Lionel Tribbey is the White House Counsel. He's a brilliant and fair-minded attorney, and he will accept you on his staff because he is... well, fair-minded and because... Ainsley: You haven't told him yet! Leo: I have, in fact, not told him yet, no. Ainsley: So you lied to me just then. Leo: I'm a politician, Ainsley. Of course I lied to you just then. Leo: This is Ainsley Hayes. She's scared of meeting you, so be nice. Tribbey: The girl who's been writing the columns? Leo: Yeah. Tribbey: [to Ainsley] You're an idiot. Ainsley: Oh God– Leo: She's not an idiot, Lionel, she clerked for Dreifort! Tribbey: Well, Dreifort's an idiot. Leo: Dreifort's a Supreme Court Justice, Lionel, so let's speak of him with respect and practice some tolerance for those who disagree with us. Tribbey: I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him! [to Ainsley] Nice meeting you. Leo: She's working for you, Lionel. Tribbey: Excuse me? Leo: She's working for you. The president asked me to hire her for your office. Tribbey: The President of what, asked you to hire her for my office? Leo: The United States. Tribby: [storming into the Oval Office] Mr. President, have you lost what little was left of your mind? I can't possibly work like this! Donna: Oh, dear God. Technician: Cut! Bartlet: I had it! Tribbey: Excuse me, sir, is this a bad time? Bartlet: It's a bit of a bad time, Lionel... Tribbey: Well, forgive me, sir, but when you have a few moments, I would like to discuss the hiring of a blonde and leggy fascist whose knowledge does not include the proper order of the alphabet for positions of the White House Counsel's office. Bartlet: And we will, Lionel, but right now I don't know if you noticed but there are thirty or forty other people in the room, many of whom have donated significant amounts of money to the Democratic Party, so perhaps you could put a tighter grip on your horses and we will talk about it later. Tribbey: Yes. Well. Good morning, everyone! Thank you, Mr. President. [walks out of the room in complete silence] Bartlet: Well, obviously, Lionel Tribbey is a brilliant lawyer whom we cannot live without, or there would be very little reason not to put him in prison. The Lame Duck Congress Bartlet: Charlie! Charlie: Yes, sir. Bartlet: Can I have a couple of aspirin or a weapon of some kind to kill people with? Charlie: Yes sir. Bartlet: Leo? Leo: Look, even when they're here in session, trying to get a hundred Senators in line is still like getting cats to march in parade. Ainsley: You called me? Sam: Yes, I need your help. Ainsley: Really? Sam: Let's not a big deal out of it. [Ainsley takes her mobile phone out and dials a phone number.]] Ainsley: No, it's sweet that you need my help. Sam: I don't need your help. I'm asking for your help so let's not make a federal... Ainsley: [into her phone] Dad, it's me. Sam's asking for my help. Sam: Put the phone down. Ainsley: [into her phone] Gotta go, dad, I need to help Sam. Sam: That must have rolled them in the aisles back in Georgia. Ainsley: I'm from North Carolina. Sam: Wherever it was you studied baton twirling. Ainsley: That'd be Harvard Law School. Ainsley: I'm not going to say anything. I'm not going to spill anything. I'm not going to get Republican juice on you. I'm just going to sit there and learn. Sam: Look... Ainsley: From the master, Sam, I want to learn from the master. Sam: [stopping] See, women think that kind of thing works, but it doesn't. Ainsley: [steps close] It really does, Sam.[Sam looks at her. They start walking again.]Sam: I let you come to the Hill, you'll summarize my memo? Ainsley: I'll use punctuation and everything. You might even get extra credit. Donna: So, I'm being used. Josh: Yes. Donna: As a dupe. Josh: Yes. Donna: How am I supposed to feel about that? Josh: How do you usually feel about that? Donna: Josh! Josh: Donna. Donna: My value here is that I have no value. Josh: You have enormous value to me. You have absolutely no value to Eastern Europe. Bartlet: You know we forget sometimes, in all the talk about democracy we forget it's not a democracy, it's a republic. People don't make the decisions, they choose the people who make the decisions. Could they do a better job choosing? Yeah. But when you consider the alternative... The Portland Trip Bartlet: The Assistant Energy Secretary is flying to Portland in the middle of the night so he can meet with me on Air Force One on the way back? Charlie: Yes sir. Bartlet: The day-to-day experience of my life has changed in many ways since taking this job. Danny: [asking why C.J is going on the Portland Trip] Are you being punished? C.J.: I'm not being punished. I'm going on the trip. Danny: If the whole bus goes off the record, will you tell us why you're going on the trip? C.J.: [hesitating] I made fun of Notre Dame. [the journalists collectively groaned] Usually I get away with it. Katie: They're playing Michigan tomorrow. C.J.: I know that now. Danny: You can't do that when they're playing Michigan. Josh: [Donna is wearing a nice dress] What are your plans? Donna: We're having drinks, we're having dinner, we are going dancing, we are having dessert. Josh: No problem. You can do all those things except for the drinks, the dancing, and the dessert. Donna: Josh... Josh: I need you to be done with dinner in an hour and five minutes. Donna: Do you see what I'm wearing? Josh: If you wanna have sex, you'd better do it during dinner. Donna: This is the guy, Josh. This is a great guy. His name is Todd. Josh: You met him for five minutes at a party. Donna: I got the good vibe. Josh: Okay. Donna: I have an excellent sense about these things. Josh: Actually, you have no sense about these things. You have no vibe, you have terrible taste in men, and your desire to be coupled up will always and forever drown out any sense of self or self-worth that you may have. Donna: You're a downer, you know that? I'm calling you Deputy Downer from now on. Sam: Oratory should raise your heart rate. Oratory should blow the doors off the place. We should be talking about not being satisfied with past solutions. We should be talking about a permanent revolution. Toby: Where have I heard that? Sam: Permanent Revolution? Toby: Yeah. Sam: I got it from a book. Toby: What book? Sam: The Little Red BookToby: You think we should quote Mao Tse-tung? Sam: We do need a permanent revolution. Toby: Still, I think we'll stay away from quoting Communists. Sam: You think a Communist never wrote an elegant phrase? How do you think they got everyone to be Communist? Bartlet: A long flight across the night. You know why late flights are good? Because we cease to be earthbound and burdened with practicality. Asking important questions. Talking about the idea that nobody has thought about yet. Put it a different way... Sam: Be poets. Shibboleth Sam: Over three and a half centuries ago, linked by faith and bound by a common desire for liberty, a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the New World where they could worship according to their own beliefs... and solve crimes. Toby: Sam... Sam: It'd be good. By day, they churn butter and worship according to their own beliefs, and by night they solve crimes. Toby: Read the thing. Sam: Pilgrim detectives. Toby: Do you see me laughing? Sam: I think you're laughing on the inside. Toby: Okay. Sam: With the big hats. Toby: Give me the speech. C.J.: In the following days, we will be meeting with Reverend Al Caldwell, members of Beijing's Embassy and INS agents. The President has asked Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborn to run these meetings so it's entirely possible that by week's end we'll have alienated Christians, China, and our own government. C.J.: They sent me two turkeys. The most photo-friendly of the two gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's zoo. The runner-up gets eaten. Bartlet: If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch. Bartlet: There are questions as to the veracity of your claim to the asylum. Jhin-Wei: Yes sir. Bartlet: How did you become a Christian? Jhin-Wei: I began attending a house church with my wife in Fujian. Eventually, I was baptized. Bartlet: How do you practice? Jhin-Wei: We share bibles--we don't have enough. We sing hymns. We hear sermons. We recite the Lord's Prayer. We are charitable. Bartlet: Who's the head of your church? Jhin-Wei: The head of our parish is an 84-year-old man named Wen-Ling. He's been beaten and imprisoned many times. The head of our church is Jesus Christ. Bartlet: Can you name any of Jesus' disciples? [beat] If you can't, that's okay. I usually can't remember the names of my kids, or for that matter... Jhin-Wei: Peter, Andrew, John, Phillip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, Thaddeus, Simon, Judas and James. [beat] Mr. President, Christianity is not demonstrated through a recitation of facts. You're seeking evidence of faith, a wholehearted acceptance of God's promise for a better world. 'For we hold that man is justified by faith alone' is what St. Paul said. 'Justified by faith alone.' Faith is the true... uh, I'm trying to... shibboleth. Faith is the true shibboleth. Bartlet: [beat] Yes, it is. And you sir, just said the magic word in more ways than one. Thank you. Charlie: Okay, Mr. President, I say this with all possible respect, but each of these knives cut, you know, meat. Why is it important? Bartlet: Because it's something we pass on. Something with a history so we can say, 'My father gave this to me. His father gave it to him.' Charlie: Well, okay, sir, but if that's true, then why don't you already have one? Bartlet: I do have one. Charlie: Why do you need a new one? Bartlet: I'm giving mine away. Charlie: To who? Bartlet: Whom. Charlie: To whom? Bartlet: Funny you should ask. [takes out knife case from his drawer] Charlie, my father gave this to me, and his father gave it to him, and now I'm giving it to you. Take a look. The fully tapered bolster allows for sharpening the entire edge of the blade. Charlie: It says 'P.R.' I thought I knew them all, but I don't recognize the manufacturer. Bartlet: Yeah. This was made for my family by a Boston silversmith named Paul Revere...I'm proud of you Charlie. Galileo Sam: Who wrote this intro? Tate: I did. Sam: You're from NASA Public Affairs? Tate: Yep. Sam: You mind if I give it a polish? Tate: Is there a problem? Sam: No, it's great. You mind if I change it? Tate: I'd prefer if you didn't. Sam: Just the same... Tate: The Public Affairs has cleared the text. If it's gonna be changed, I'd prefer that the President change it. Sam: See, that's kind of what he pays me to do, so... Tate: Look, I don't want to step on your toes. You don't want to step on mine. We're both writers. Sam: Yes, I suppose, if you broaden the definition to those who can't spell. Tate: Excuse me? ... Bartlet: Can I see the intro? Sam: It's up on the Prompter. Bartlet: [reads] "Good morning! I'm speaking to you live from the West Wing of the White House. Today we have a very unique opportunity to take part live in an extremely historic event which..." Whoa, boy... Sam: [waves and smiles] How you doing, Mr. President? Bartlet: Who wrote this intro? Tate: I did, sir. I'm Scott Tate from NASA Public Affairs. Bartlet: [gets up and shakes his hand] Scott. "Unique" means "one of a kind." Something can't be very unique, nor can it be extremely historic. C.J.: While we're at it, do we have to use the word "live" twice in the first two sentences like we just cracked the technology? Tate: Look... C.J.: We're also broadcasting in living color, right? Bartlet: Sam? Sam: Yeah. Bartlet: Sam's gonna make some changes. Tate: Are you going to clear them with me? Sam: Probably not. [to the recorder] Write this. Eleven months ago, a 1,200-pound spacecraft blasted off from Cape Canaveral, Florida. Eighteen hours ago...18 hours, do I have that right? It's going to be noon Eastern time. C.J.: Yep. Sam: Eighteen hours ago, it landed on the planet Mars. You, me, and 60,000 of your fellow students across the country, along with astroscientists and engineers from the Jet Propulsion Lab in Southern California, NASA Houston, and right here at the White House are going to be to the first to see what it sees, and to chronicle the extraordinary voyage of an unmanned ship called 'Galileo V.' Bartlet: [to C.J.] He said it right. Josh: There's a Citizen's Stamp Advisory Committee? Leo: Yes. Josh: Made up of members of the There-But-For-The-Grace-of-God-go-I Club? Leo: You wanna mock people or let me talk to Toby? Josh: I wanna mock people. Sam: There are a lot of hungry people in the world, Mal, and none of them are hungry 'cause we went to the moon. None of them are colder and certainly none of them are dumber 'cause we went to the moon. Mallory: And we went to the moon. Do we really have to go to Mars? Sam: Yes. Mallory: Why? Sam: 'Cause it's next. 'Cause we came out of the cave and we looked over the hill and we saw fire. And we crossed the ocean and we pioneered the West and we took to the sky. The history of man is hung on a timeline of exploration, and this is what's next. Mallory: I know. Sam: People like you, who say that... [beat] What? Mallory: I said I know. We're supposed to be explorers. Sam: Then what the hell? Mallory: I just want to hear you talk about it. Sam: You know something? Mallory: You get all puffed up. Sam: You're a pain in the ass. Mallory: Yes. Bartlet: [to Leo, about a Russian warhead explosion:] Leo, at the time the SS-19 exploded, it was being drained of its liquid hydrogen in an attempt by deserting soldiers to – wait for it... Leo: Steal the warhead? Bartlet: Steal the warhead! [to the Russian Ambassador ] When were you gonna tell us about that? You realize how dangerous– Russian Ambassador: Mr. President, you shouldn't be concerned with the welfare of the Russian people. Bartlet: Well, I am concerned with the welfare of the Russian people, but that's not what they pay me for. You guys fall asleep at the switch in Minsk, and I've got a whole hemisphere hiding under the bed. How do you not tell us this is going on? How do you not ask us for help? Russian Ambassador: We'll not need help finding the leaders of the black-market network– Bartlet: Yeah, thanks. We're sending in NATO inspectors. Russian Ambassador: Leo and I were just discussing the terms. Leo: The terms are we're sending in NATO or he's taking a walk to the press room. Bartlet: [to the Russian Ambassador] Get your foreign minister on the phone. [pauses] I honestly don't know from where you guys get the nerve. Russian Ambassador: From a long, hard winter, Mr. President. C.J.: We have at our disposal a captive audience of schoolchildren. Some of them don't go to the blackboard or raise their hand cause they think they're going to be wrong. I think you should say to these kids, "You think you get it wrong sometimes, you should come down here and see how the big boys do it." I think you should tell them you haven't given up hope, and that it may turn up, but in the meantime, you want NASA to put its best people in the room, and you want them to start building Galileo VI. Some of them will laugh and most of them won't care, but for some they might honestly see that it's about going to the blackboard and raising your hand. Noël Dr. Keyworth: We're from ATVA. Josh: Yeah. Dr. Keyworth: That's the American Trauma Victims Association. Josh: Yeah. Dr. Keyworth: We're commonly called in by the government to work with trauma victims. I'll give you some examples. The pipe bomb at Lancaster Middle School. We worked with the parents and the kids... Josh: [interrupts] Tulsa, Hurricane Beth, the Chatham fires, the Iowa tornadoes, the FBI raid in Rock Creek. Dr. Keyworth: So, you are familiar with us? Josh: Dr. Keyworth, I'm the Deputy White House Chief of Staff. I oversee 1100 White House employees. I answer directly to Leo McGarry and the President of the United States. Do you think you're talking to the paperboy? Dr. Keyworth: No. Josh: In your wildest dreams did you imagine that I'd walk in this room without knowing exactly who you are and what you do? Dr. Keyworth: No. Josh: Then why did you lie to me right off the bat? Dr. Keyworth: Josh... Josh: [indicating Kaytha] She's not here training! Dr. Keyworth: As a matter of fact, she is. Josh: I read briefing books every day on subjects considerably more complicated than ATVA. Dr. Keyworth: She is here training in trauma therapy. Josh: Yeah, but that's not why there are two of you. Dr. Keyworth: No. Josh: That's not the reason why there are two of you. Dr. Keyworth: No. Josh: I get up, go to the bathroom, go to my office, answer the phone -- one of you watches me. Dr. Keyworth: Yeah. Josh: Stanley, you got off to a bad start. Dr. Keyworth: Yes, I did. Josh: Yes, you did. Dr. Keyworth: Let's start again. Josh: You gonna lie to me this time? Dr. Keyworth: No. You gonna lie to me? Josh: Haven't yet. Dr. Keyworth: Really? Josh: Yeah.[Dr. Keyworth nods and waits a moment.]Dr. Keyworth: How did you cut your hand? [pause] You're not talking to the paperboy, either, Josh. Charlie: Christmas cards. Bartlet: How many am I sending out? Charlie: One million, one hundred and ten thousand. Bartlet: Seriously? Charlie: Yes, sir. Bartlet: I'm sending out 1.1 million Christmas cards? Charlie: It's a three-tier system, sir. There are about a thousand names on the First Family's list, then there are about a hundred thousand campaign workers and contributors. Bartlet: Who are the other million? Charlie: You send a Christmas card to everyone who writes a letter to the White House. Bartlet: I do? Charlie: Yes, sir. And somewhere around a million people wrote you letters this year. Bartlet: Okay, but some of those were death threats. Charlie: They've weeded those out. Josh: Stanley, you can ask the questions and you can answer them, but you can't do both at the same time. Dr. Keyworth: Yes, I can. Josh: Why? Dr. Keyworth: Because I know the answers, and I don't work for you. Josh: Is there gonna be a... Dr. Keyworth: How'd you cut your hand? Josh: Stanley... Dr. Keyworth: Nah, how'd you do it?[We see a flashback of Josh in his apartment, sitting on a couch with a glass.]Josh: I put a glass down.[Josh breaks the glass in his hand.] Dr. Keyworth: Yeah, I don't think you did. Josh: Stanley, I got home from the thing, I made a drink, I sat down, I pushed the magazine aside to use as a coaster, and I missed the coaster. Dr. Keyworth: You missed the coaster with quite a bit of force. Josh: I work out when I can. Dr. Keyworth: I swear, I am completely unimpressed with clever answers. Josh: And I was so hoping we'd have a second date. Dr. Keyworth: [pause] You're in nine kinds of pain. You don't even know what's going on inside of you. And you are so locked into damage control that you can't... Josh: You diagnosed me in eight hours? Dr. Keyworth: Josh, I diagnosed you in five minutes. Josh: Why would the music have started it? Dr. Keyworth: Well, I know it's going to sound like I'm telling you that two plus two equals a bushel of potatoes, but at this moment, in your head, music is the same thing as... Josh: ...as sirens. So that's going to be my reaction every time I hear music? Dr. Keyworth: No. Josh: Why not? Dr. Keyworth: Because... we get better. Josh: All the same, I need some more therapy. Dr. Keyworth: Oh, you're gonna get some. Josh: I mean now. Dr. Keyworth: Merry Christmas, Josh. Josh: We can order a pizza! Dr. Keyworth: [laughs] Have a good night. Josh: Stanley, I haven't told you my dreams yet! Dr. Keyworth: Fax 'em over to me. Josh: Merry Christmas. Leo: How'd it go? Josh: Did you wait around for me? Leo: How'd it go? Josh: He thinks I may have an eating disorder... Leo: Josh... Josh: ...and a fear of rectangles. That's not weird, is it? [pause] I didn't cut my hand on a glass. I broke a window in my apartment. Leo: This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out." [pause] Long as I got a job, you got a job, you understand? The Leadership Breakfast Sam: It's a private poll. The press doesn't have access to it... The only way they'd know what questions were being asked is if they were actually called by one of the pollsters and... Oh my god! C.J.: Yes. Sam: A reporter got called by one of the pollsters? Josh: Wow. What are the chances of that? Sam: The chances of that are astronomical. Josh: We can calculate it. They sample 800 respondents... C.J.: Would the two of you stop being amazed by the mathematics! Donna: Josh, this was delivered by messenger. Josh: What is it? Donna: It's... wait... wait... no. Damn, my x-ray vision is failing me today. Josh: Gimme that! ... Josh: Donna? Donna: What was in the envelope? Josh: Your underwear. Donna: What? Josh: I'm holding your underwear in my hand right now. And the way I know it's your underwear is that your name is sewn in the back which, obviously, we'll spend some time talking about at a later date. C.J.: Why were you holding women's underwear before? Josh: Never really needed a reason. Bartlet: Donna wants me to call Karen Cahill and make it clear she wasn't hitting on her when she gave her her underwear. Leo: Yeah, that's because I made fun of her shoes and Sam said there were nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan and Donna went to clear up the mix up and accidentally left her underwear. Bartlet: There can't possibly be nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan... Leo: Mr. President, please don't wade hip deep into this story. Leo: Alexander Hamilton didn’t think we should have political parties. Neither did John Adams. He thought political parties led to divisiveness. Toby: They do. They should. We have honest disagreements. Arguments are good. Leo: Only if they lead to statesmanship. Or it’s just theatre. And statesmanship is compromise. Toby: What about persuasion? They’re coming for us, Leo. Leo: I know. Toby: I mean they’re coming for us now. Leo: Toby, if you knew what it was like getting him to run the first time... Toby: I know. Leo: Like pushing molasses up a sandy hill. If I go and tell him it’s time to run again he’s going to get crazy... and frustrated. He’s going to sink into his head and he’s going to say he’s not running. Toby: Yeah. Leo: Yeah. Toby: So we’ve got to do it for him. We’ll keep it away from this office but we’ve got to get real now. Leo, Ann Stark’s a wartime consigliere. That’s why she was bumped up. Leo: I’m a wartime consigliere too, Toby. Toby: Yeah. Leo: I was just hoping it’d be peace time a little longer. Toby: Yeah. Leo: Son of a bitch. [stands] Shake my hand.[Toby and Leo shake hands]Leo: We just formed it. Toby: Formed what? Leo: The Committee to Reelect the President. The Drop-In Mrs. Landingham: [about the missile shield] You're testing that preposterous contraption again. Leo: It's not preposterous, it's not a contraption, and mind your own business. Mrs. Landingham: In my day we knew how to protect ourselves. Leo: Well, in your day you could pretty much turn back the Indians with a Daniel Boone musket, couldn't you? Mrs. Landingham: Ah, sarcasm, the grumpy man's wit. Leo: Go sharpen a pencil, would you? Donna: Is it true that Leo can't stand a guy named Lord John Marbury? Josh: Why? Donna: A reporter asked me. Josh: What's a reporter doing talking to you? Donna: He's a friend of a friend. Josh: Leo McGarry has nothing but respect and affection for John Marbury. Donna: That's what I said. Josh: Good, 'cause Leo thinks he's a lunatic. Donna: He's very handsome. Josh: That may be so, but Leo thinks he's a lunatic. Donna: Are you threatened by his brilliance? Josh: No. Donna: You seem to be threatened by his brilliance. Josh: How do you know he's brilliant? Donna: I saw his picture. Josh: I'm not threatened by his brilliance, nor am I threatened by his good looks. Donna: What about his charm? Josh: I'm not threatened at all... Donna: I'm sorry, I meant Leo. Josh: Neither Leo or I are threatened by his brains, his looks or his charm. He is, however, a lunatic Brit and we're grateful there's an ocean between us. Donna: There isn't anymore. Josh: There isn't what? Donna: An ocean between you. Josh: Please, don't tell me... Donna: He's the new British ambassador to the United States. Margaret: There's someone here to see you. Leo: Who? Lord John Marbury: [from outer office] Gerald? Leo: Oh, God. Lord John Marbury: [enters] Gerald! Old friend! Leo: Good to see you, ambassador.[They shake hands. Margaret leaves.]Lord John Marbury: It's as if the gods themselves insist we be not long apart, you and I. Leo: They do seem to strongly insist upon that, yes. Lord John Marbury: Your assistant, Margaret, is looking positively buxom. Leo: [awkwardly] Thank you. I'll tell her. Margaret: [from outer office] Thank you! Lord John Marbury: Oh, yes! Well done! Josh: You know, can I say this? Why don't we just give the $60 billion to North Korea in exchange for not bombing us? Bartlet: It's almost hard to believe that you're not on the National Security Council. Josh: I know, I feel like they're missing an important voice. Bartlet: Where are you on the missile shield? Lord John Marbury: Well, I think it's dangerous, illegal...fiscally irresponsible, technologically unsound, and a threat to all people everywhere. Bartlet: Leo? Leo: I think the world invented a nuclear weapon. I think the world owes it to itself to see if it can't invent something to make it irrelevant. Lord John Marbury: Well that's the right sentiment... and certainly a credible one from a man who's fought in a war. You think you can make it stop? Well, you can't. We build a shield and somebody will build a better missile. Bartlet: Well, it's a discussion for serious men. They say a statesman is a politician who's been dead for fifteen years. I'd like us to be statesmen while we're still alive. Bartlet's Third State of the Union Sam: They have bathrobes at the gym? C.J.: In the women's locker room. Sam: But not the men's. C.J.: Yeah. Sam: Now, that's outrageous. There's a thousand men working here and fifty women... C.J.: Yeah, and it's the bathrobes that's outrageous. Mrs. Landingham: The President was balancing his checkbook and came across an outstanding check for $500 that was never cashed. A check was written by the First Lady to a woman the President has never heard of and he would like you to ask her about it. Charlie: The President was balancing his checkbook? Mrs. Landingham: Yeah. Charlie: Why? Mrs. Landingham: He does it to relax. Charlie: Okay. Mrs. Landingham: Yeah. Charlie: And why doesn't he ask the First Lady about the $500 check himself in the normal course of, you know, being married to her. Mrs. Landingham: When the President inquires into the First Lady's personal bookkeeping, the First Lady gets angry at him... and yells. Charlie: Well, she's gonna get angry and yell when I inquire too. Mrs. Landingham: Well, the President doesn't care so much about that. Charlie: Yeah, okay. This is a good job. Sam: How have you never met the President? Ainsley: I haven't. Sam: You've been working here three months. Ainsley: He works in the Oval Office and I work in the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue. I can't believe we haven't run into each other. ... Sam: Okay, can I talk to you about adrenaline for a second? Ainsley: Adrenaline? Sam: Yeah. You’re feeling it right now and it’s gonna get even more cause it’s a big night, and you were a hit and you’ve never experienced anything like this. Ainsley: And you think I’m going to have a nutty. Sam: I’m saying don’t drink until you’re off television. Ainsley: God! Thanks Sam for that debating tip. You have a feel for nuances. You say I shouldn’t be drunk when I’m representing the White House. Sam: Yeah. And remember you’re a blond, Republican girl and that nobody likes you. Ainsley: I'm going back on television now. Sam: Try to remember you're on our side. Donna: You have to ask a girl out on a date. You can't just randomly tumble into a girl sidewise and hope she breaks up with you soon, like you always do. Josh: Why not? Donna: Because you can't! Josh: You just said I always do. Donna: Josh, I can help you or I can not help you. It's up to you. Josh: Then I absolutely choose not helping me. Donna: You want me to ask her out for you? Josh: Yeah. That's exactly what I want you to do. Donna: [Joey walks in] Joey... Josh: Sit down. Congressman Shallick: Excuse me. But this White House uses the first amendment to protect flag burning, to protect pornography, to ban school prayer. Why when the Second Amendment clearly says that the federal government will not infringe upon citizen’s... Toby: Because it doesn't... Congressman Shallick: ...right to keep and bear arms... Toby: It doesn't really say that. Congressman Shallick: Toby! Toby: In fact it doesn't say that at all. The only way it says that at all is if you remove some words from it. Congressman Shallick: Oh, look. Will you...? Toby: It says a well-regulated militia, being necessary for the security of the free state, the government shall not infringe. The words regulated and militia are in the first sentence. I don't think the Framer's were thinking of three guys in a Dodge Durango. Congressman Shallick: Well, you don't really know what the Framers were thinking, do you? Toby: No. But I do know that if you combine the populations of Great Britain, France, Germany, Japan, Switzerland, Sweden, Denmark and Australia you've got a population roughly the size of the United States. We had 32,000 gun deaths last year and they had 112. Do you think it's because Americans are more homicidal by nature? Or do you think it's because those guys have gun control laws? The War at Home Ainsley: [about the President] You have to arrange another introduction! Sam: Last night you were scared to meet him. Ainsley: And I'm still scared to meet him, but I'll overcome that in order to erase the humiliation that I've brought upon myself and my father. Sam: You are just in your own little Euripides play over there, aren't you? Abbey: [angry] I don't think it's a good idea for us to talk about this now. Bartlet: Why? Abbey: Cause you've got to focus on Columbia. Bartlet: [angry] I can do two things at once. Abbey: You don't have two things at once, Jed. You have ninety-two things at once and one of them is five hostages in Columbia. Bartlet: Yes and I'd like to go about my day without this black cloud around me so I'd like to talk now! Abbey: And I'm saying this is a longer conversation than that. I don't want you all over the place and we can talk about it later and you should focus. Bartlet: What are you, my Zen master? Can I be in charge of my own mind?! Abbey: Let me tell you something, jackass! Get as chippy as you want if that makes you feel better. I am your wife... I love you... you have a crisis... you have to deal with it. When it's done we'll talk. Bartlet: [pause] I feel better already. Bartlet: Damn it! How the hell did it happen? Leo: It was bad intelligence, sir. Bartlet: You think? Leo: Ferente left behind a radio and a soldier at the outpost. And they were deliberately sending us misinformation. Bartlet: We never anticipated that somebody might try that? We weren't prepared for someone to try and outfox us with a stratagem so sophisticated it's an entire generation behind "Hey look, your shoelaces are untied!?" Is that how I just lost nine guys, to a damn street gang with a ham radio? Bartlet: I didn't make the decision to run again! Abbey: Yes, you did! [faces him angrily] If we're gonna talk about this, let's talk about this. The moves over the last few weeks... the changes in last night's speech. This whole place is in reelection mode. Bartlet: That's what we do, Abbey. We run for things! From the day a Congressman is sworn in he's got to raise $10,000 a week to get reelected! A President gets to govern for eighteen months. We try to get people to vote for us and in the process we hope the people force us to do good things. Abbey: We had a deal! Bartlet: Yes, we had a deal. Abbey: Yes, Jed. [She walks back over and sits across from him.] Look at me! [He reluctantly looks at her.] Do you get that you have M.S.? Bartlet: Abbey... Abbey: Do you get that your own immune system is shredding your brain? And I can't tell you why. [tearfully] Do you have any idea how good a doctor I am and that I can't tell you why? Bartlet: I've had one episode in two years. Abbey: Yes, but relapsing-remitting M.S. can turn into secondary-progressive M.S. oftentimes ten years after the initial diagnosis which is exactly where we'll be in two years! Do you know what that's going to look like when it happens? Bartlet: I know what it's going to... Abbey: Fatigue... an inability to get through the day... Bartlet: Look... Abbey: ...memory lapses... loss of cognitive function... failure to reason... failure to think clearly. And I can't tell you if it's going to happen. I don't know if it's going to get better I don't know if it's going to get worse. But we had a deal. And that deal is how you justified keeping it a secret from the world. It's how you justified it to God. It's how you justified it to me. Leo: I fought a jungle war. I'm not doing it again. If I could put myself anywhere in time, it would be the Cabinet room, on August 4, 1964. When our ships were attacked by North Vietnam in the Tonkin Gulf. I'd say, "Mr. President...don't do it. Don't consider authorizing a massive commitment of troops and throwing in our lot with torturers and panderers, leaders without principle and soldiers without conviction; no clear mission, and no end in sight." This war is at home. The casualties are in our prisons, and not our hospitals. The amount of money the American government is spending in Colombia is the exact same amount American consumers are spending buying drugs from Colombia, we're funding both sides of this war and we'll never win it that way. Ellie Mrs. Landingham: [about the President's movie options] And what was the other one about? Charlie: "Prince of New York?" Mrs. Landingham: Yeah. Charlie: [reading off a sheet of paper] It's an updated version of Dostoyevsky's "The Idiot" which tells the story of a Christ-like epileptic young man who embodies goodness, but encounters sex, crime, and family dysfunction. Mrs. Landingham: Hard to imagine why you didn't think the President would enjoy that, Charlie. Charlie: Well, he would have especially enjoyed the scene where the Prince Myshkin character has a seizure while engaging in an erotic fantasy in a Long Island church. Mrs. Landingham: Charlie, please don't say the word "erotic" in the Oval Office. Charlie: I'd be perfectly happy never to say any of those words anywhere ever again. Margaret: Red meat has been found to cause cancer in white rats. Maraschino cherries have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Cellular phones have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Has anyone examined the possibility that cancer might be hereditary in white rats? Surgeon General Griffith: Let me tell you something, I'm not a hundred percent sure we've ruled that out. Bartlet: What the hell are you doing talking to a reporter? Ellie: I... Bartlet: I have set up monumental, unprecedented, unbreakable rules about my children and the press. I have gotten White House reporters transferred to Yemen for approaching Zoey and Elizabeth. It is the law! Well, I'm sure before you gave the quote you cleared it with the Communications Office. I'm sure you went over the exact wording with C.J. Cregg and coordinated with White House strategy so that the timing was right in the news cycle. I'm certain you consulted the appropriate party leadership because you're a pretty knowledgeable operative having spent so much time with me. Ellie? Ellie: Dad... Bartlet: What? Ellie: [about the Surgeon General] She was... she was... Bartlet: WHAT? Ellie: She was doing... Bartlet: Pick your head up! Ellie: She was doing exactly what she is supposed to do! She... I'm sorry. She was asked a question, and she said what she knew to be true. And when you start firing doctors for that, you've crossed the line somewhere. Bartlet: There is politics involved in this, Ellie. And you knew it would make me unhappy, and that's why you did it. And that's cheap. Ellie: I didn't do it to make you unhappy, Dad. Bartlet: Well, you sure didn't do it to make me happy! Ellie: I don't know how to make you happy, Dad! For that, you've got to talk to Zoey or Liz. Surgeon General Griffith: [about Ellie] You frightened her. Bartlet: [incredulous] No, I didn't! How did I frighten her? Surgeon General Griffith: Jed, look where you're standing! Bartlet: I was elected two years ago! She's 24 years old! Surgeon General Griffith: You've been the king of whatever room you've walked into her entire life. Bartlet: Never seemed to intimidate Zoey or Liz. Surgeon General Griffith: Well, kids are different! They're not the same! You'd be amazed, you'd be stunned, at how soon they understand they're not their father's favorite. Bartlet: That's not true. Surgeon General Griffith: Sir... Bartlet: That's not true. Surgeon General Griffith: Mr. President- Bartlet: No, no, no! I will bear with the nonsense of the Christian right, and the Hollywood left, and the AFL-CIO, and the AARP, and the cannabis society of Japan! But I will not stand and allow someone to tell me that I love one of my children less than the others! [beat] She's frightened of me? Surgeon General Griffith: She ain't the only one. Bartlet: I hear you’re thinking about ophthalmology. Ellie: Oncology. Bartlet: Why would you want to study people’s feet? Ellie: That’s podiatry. Bartlet: That’s children’s medicine. Ellie: Pediatrics. Bartlet: I thought it was obstetrics. Ellie: That’s pregnant women. Bartlet: And what’s the study of feet? Ellie: Dad, you’re not going to make me laugh. Bartlet: The only thing you ever had to do to make me happy was come home at the end of the day. Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail Sam: I'm just going to change my shirt. Leo: You look bad. You're tired. You slept in the office. It's Friday. Go home. Sam: Why? Leo: Because I think you're putting too much faith in the magical powers of a new shirt. C.J.: No cameras. Toby: You negotiated that? C.J.: Yes. Toby: They agreed to it? C.J.: You want to make out with me right now, don't you? Toby: Well, when don't I? Josh: So, now you have two choices - meeting with an unruly mob or meeting with lunatic mapmakers. Toby: Or getting paid a lot more money working almost anywhere else I want. Toby: You want the benefits of free trade? Food is cheaper. Officer Rhonda Sachs: Yes. Toby: Food is cheaper! Clothes are cheaper, steel is cheaper, cars are cheaper ... Phone service is cheaper! You feel me building a rhythm here? That's because I'm a speech writer and I know how to make a point. Officer Rhonda Sachs: Toby. Toby: It lowers prices, and it raises income. You see what I did with 'lowers' and 'raises' there? Officer Rhonda Sachs: Yes. Toby: It's called the science of listener attention. We did repetition, we did floating opposites, and now you end with the one that's not like the others. Ready? Free trade stops wars. And that's it. Free trade stops wars, and we figure out a way to fix the rest. One world, one peace... I'm sure I've seen that on a sign somewhere. Officer Rhonda Sachs: [sarcastic] God, Toby. Wouldn't it be great if there was someone around with the communication skills who could go in there and tell them that? Toby: [beat] Shut up. Donna: [After Sam learns the identity of a deceased Communist spy] It was people pushing paper around fifty years ago. Why does it matter? Sam: It was high treason, and it mattered a great deal! This country is an idea, and one that’s lit the world for two centuries and treason against that idea is not just a crime against the living! This ground holds the graves of people who died for it, who gave what Lincoln called the last full measure of devotion, of fidelity. The Stackhouse Filibuster C.J.: If you ever have a free two hours and are so inclined, try standing up without leaning on anything and talking the whole time. You won't make it. I wouldn't make it. Stackhouse wasn't supposed to last 15 minutes. He's 78 years old. He has a head cold. This bill is going to pass. Well, somebody forgot to tell Stackhouse, Dad, cause he just went into hour number eight. Leo: You just spent six billion dollars on health care. How do you feel? Josh: I'd feel better if it meant just once I could go to a doctor without filling out something on a clipboard. Bartlet: C.J., let me tell you something, don't ever, ever underestimate the will of a grandfather. We're madmen, we don't give a damn, we got here before you and they'll be here after. We'll make enemies, we'll break laws, we'll break bones, but you will not mess with the grandchildren. Leo: There was quite a bit of sugar in the creme' d'caramel. Toby: Mr. Vice President? Hoynes: Didn't I do it right? Toby: No, sir, you did it very well. I appreciate it. Hoynes: Yeah. Toby: I'm sure you know I was curious about why you'd volunteer for something like that. Hoynes: Yeah. Toby: So I got a hold of some private polling you've had done. Hoynes: Oh. Yeah? Toby: A significant number of people are concerned over your close ties to big oil. Hoynes: Well, not anymore. Toby: Yeah, but what I was wondering was why did you put the poll in the field at all? Mr. Vice President, what do you know that I don't? Hoynes: Toby, the total tonnage of what I know that you don't could stun a team of oxen in its tracks. Good night.[all in voiceovers]C.J.: There are so many days where you can't imagine anything good will happen. Josh: You're buried under a black fog of partisanship and self-promotion and stupidity... Sam: ...and a brand of politics that's just plain mean. C.J.: Yes, Hoynes had us nervous with his admonishment of big oil and, yes, the president was making us nervous too. But that's for tomorrow. Tonight, I've seen a man with no legs stay standing, Dad, and a guy with no voice keep shouting. And if politics brings out the worst in people, maybe people bring out the best. Because I'm looking at the TV right now, and damn if 28 U.S. senators haven't just walked onto the floor to help. 17 People Ainsley: I'm going up to Smith College tomorrow. Sam: Why? Ainsley: It's my alma mater. Sam: Reunion? Ainsley: The women's studies department is holding a panel on resurrecting the ERA. Sam: Who else is on the panel? Ainsley: Rebecca Walker, Gloria Steinem, Ann Coulter, Naomi Wolf... Sam: You know, something like 40% of all women oppose the ERA, and in my entire lifetime, I've yet to meet one of them. Ainsley: [extending hand] Ainsley Hayes, pleased to meet you. Sam: You're not... Ainsley: Yes. Sam: You're not! Ainsley: Yes. Sam: You're not, you're not, you're not one of those people! Ainsley: Sam, if, by those people, you're referring to Episcopalians... Sam: You're going back to Smith College, the cradle of feminism, to argue in opposition of the Equal Rights Amendment? Ainsley: And get some decent pizza, yeah. Sam: They're gonna hate you. Ainsley: I'm a straight Republican from North Carolina. You don't think they hated me the first time around? Sam: I flat-out guarantee you that if men were biologically responsible for procreation, there'd be paid family leave in every Fortune 500. Ainsley: Sam, if men were biologically responsible for procreation, they'd fall down and die at the first sonogram. Sam: So guys, when I was downstairs I made a decision: I'm going to register with the Republican Party. And I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom-loving people. Ainsley: We also like beef. Sam: You know, you insist that government is depraved for not legislating against what we can see on the newsstands, or what we can see in an art exhibit, or what we can burn in protest, or which sex we're allowed to have sex with, or a woman's right to choose. But don't you dare try to regulate this deadly weapon I have concealed on me, for that would encroach against my freedom. Ainsley: Yeah, and Democrats believe in free speech as long as it isn't prayer while you're standing in school. You believe in the Freedom of Information Act, except if you want to find out if your 14-year-old daughter has had an abortion. Sam: We believe in the ERA. Ainsley: Well, go get them. Sam: How can you have an objection... Ainsley: Because it's humiliating! A new amendment we vote on declaring that I'm equal under the law to a man? I am mortified to discover there's reason to believe I wasn't before. I am a citizen of this country. I am not a special subset in need of your protection. I do not have to have my rights handed down to me by a bunch of old, white men. The same Article 14 that protects you, protects me and I went to law school just to make sure. And with that, I'm going back down to the mess, because I thought I may have seen there a peach. Sam: [to Ed and Larry]: I would have countered that, but I already moved on to other things in my head. Bartlet: Toby's concerned that the peaceful solution I brokered in Kashmir last year was the result of a drug-induced haze. Leo: I was there with him. So was Fitz. So was Cashman, Hutchinson, Berryhill... Toby: Well, that's fantastic. Leo: Toby. Toby: None of you were elected! Bartlet: I was elected, they were appointed. The Vice President was elected. He has the constitutional authority to assume my-- Toby: Not last May, he didn't. Last May, when you were under general anesthesia. Bartlet: That's because I never signed the letter, but I don't think I got shot because I got MS! Toby: No, I don't think you did either, sir. I meant that during a night of extreme chaos and fear when we didn't yet know if we'd been the victims of domestic or foreign terrorism, or even an act of war, there was uncertainty as to who was giving the national security orders and it was because you never signed the letter. So I'm led to wonder, given your condition and its lack of predictability, why there isn’t simply a signed letter sitting in a file someplace. And the answer, of course, is that [chuckles] if there was a–a signed letter sitting in a file someplace, somebody would ask why. The Commander in Chief had just been attacked, he was under a general anesthetic, a fugitive was at large, the manhunt included every federal state and local law enforcement agency. The Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Delaware National Guard units were federalized. The KH-10s showed Republican Guard movement in southern Iraq. And twelve hours earlier, an F-117 was shot down in the no-fly, and the Vice President's authority was murky at best! The National Security Advisor and the Secretary of State didn't know who they were taking their orders from. I wasn't in the Situation Room that night, but I'll bet all the money in my pockets against all the money in your pockets that it was Leo. Who no one elected! For ninety minutes that night, there was a coup d'état in this country. Bartlet: [sarcastically] And the walls came tumbling down. I feel fine, by the way, thanks for asking. [interjecting as Leo tries to speak up] No, Leo, Toby's concern for my health is moving me in ways... Toby: Mr. President -- Bartlet: [suddenly infuriated, throws a stack of papers against his desk] SHUT UP! [circles around his desk, staring Toby in the face] You know, your indignation would be a lot more interesting to me if it weren't quite so covered in crap! Charlie: [poking his head in] Sir... Bartlet: [sharply] Yeah? Charlie: Mr. Gareth. Bartlet: Thanks. [glares back at Toby] Are you pissed because I didn't say anything, or are you pissed because there are fifteen people who knew before you did? I feel fine, by the way, thanks for asking. Donna: When I came back, you remember I had a bandage on my ankle? Josh: Yeah. Donna: I told you I slipped on the ice on the front walk? Josh: Yeah. You know why? 'Cause you didn't put down the kitty litter. Donna: I was actually in a car accident. Josh: You were in a car accident? Donna: It was... Josh: Seriously, you were in an accident? Donna: It was no big deal. Josh: You told me it was a late thaw. Donna: [smiles] Yes. I did. Anyway, they took me to the hospital and I called him and he came to get me and on the way he stopped and met some friends of his for a beer. Josh: [incredulously] He stopped on the way to the hospital for a beer? Donna: Yes. And that's why I left him. Which was the point of my telling you this. I left him. So stop remembering that. What I remember is that you took me back when you had absolutely no reason to trust me again, and you didn't make fun of me or him, and you had every reason to. Josh: Donna... Donna: You're gonna make fun of him now, aren't you? Josh: No. Donna: 'Cause that's why I didn't tell you in the first place. Josh: I'm not gonna make fun of him. Donna: Good. Josh: But just what kind of a dumbkes were you... Donna: He was supposed to meet some of his friends. He stopped on the way to tell them that he couldn't. Josh: And had a beer? Donna: Does this make you feel superior?[Josh looks away and starts to say something, but doesn't.]Donna: Yes, you are better than my old boyfriend.[Josh stands up and walks toward the door, but stops in the doorway.]Josh: I'm just sayin', if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer. Donna: [stands up] If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights. Thanks for taking me back. [walks out of his office] Oh, and the flowers are beautiful. Bad Moon Rising Leo: You're scared of Babish. Bartlet: Oh, like you're not. Leo: No, because we are both men of Chicago. Bartlet: What is it with people from Chicago that they're so happy to have been born there? I meet so many people who can't wait to tell me they're from Chicago and when I meet them, they're living anywhere but Chicago. Leo: You wouldn't understand. Bartlet: He looks down his nose at me 'cause I'm not a lawyer. Leo: Yes. Bartlet: I didn't go to law school. I got a PhD in economics instead. Leo: Your parents were very proud. Bartlet: Yeah, and all that happened was I won a Nobel Prize and got elected President so I guess that decision didn't really pay off. Leo: Yeah. Bartlet: Should I run back and get my Nobel Prize? Leo: I think he knows you've got one. Josh: You got a phone call while you were in there. Donna: From who? Josh: Europe, in 1939. Donna: Yeah? Josh: Yeah, I jotted it down. Apparently, they're at war, but we'd taken a firm stand as an isolationist nation and refused to get involved. Our resources are ours, and their problems are on the other side of the world, though, they do have problems. Sounds to me from what they said on the phone that France, Austria, and England are getting absolutely pounded by the Germans and with no end in sight. They say that by 1941 they're gonna desperately need our help if they have any chance of survival, but I think they're just being hysterical. This son of a customs agent with the Charlie Chaplin mustache ain't going anywhere, but there's no telling that to Franklin Roosevelt, who's trying to convince his country to get involved. That's why he came up with this. Donna: An eighth-grade social studies textbook? Josh: Turn to the page I flagged. Donna: The Lend-Lease Act. Josh: Yeah. Simply put, a loan of arms to Russia and Britain with the understanding that they pay us back when the war was over. And he said this - he said, "If your neighbor's house is on fire, you don't haggle over the price of your garden hose." ... There are too many things in the world we can't do. Mexico's on fire. Why help them? Because we can. C.J.: It was a leak. Leaks happen. They've happened since the beginning of time. In this White House, in every White House. There's no malicious intent. Things get out. It's a company town. Everybody talks to everybody, and junior staffers try to impress reporters by showing they're in the know. There is no group of people this large in the world that can keep a secret. I find it comforting. It's how I know for sure that the government isn't covering up aliens in New Mexico. Bartlet: We won't discuss this any more for the time being. It'll be public soon enough. And the more conversations you have with me, the more lawyers you're gonna have to talk to, and they bill in an hour what you take home in a week, so we won't discuss it except to say this: you're gonna be subpoenaed. I'm confident in your loyalty to me; I'm confident in your love for me. If you lie to protect me, if you lie just once, if you lie just a little, if you lie 'cause you can't stand what's happening to me and the people making it happen, if you ever, ever lie, you're finished with me. You understand? Charlie: Yes, sir. Bartlet: Say you understand. Charlie: I understand, sir. Bartlet: This isn't what you signed up for. Leo begged you to take this job. This isn't what you signed up for. If you leave, I'd appreciate it if you did it now, so it doesn't look like my lawyer bailed on me when the rain starts. No one's gonna hold it against you. Babish: Well, I appreciate that, Mr. President. [pause] If I stay, will you do exactly what I tell you to do? Bartlet: I guess it depends. Babish: I'm afraid it can't depend, sir. Bartlet: [pauses and thinks] What would my first step be? Babish: First tell your staff. Bartlet: Yeah. Babish: Then, decide how to make a public announcement. Bartlet: Yeah. Babish: Then, order the attorney general to appoint a special prosecutor. Not just any special prosecutor, the most blood-spitting, Bartlet-hating Republican in the Bar. He's gonna have an unlimited budget and a staff like an army. The new slogan around here is gonna be "Bring it on!" He's gonna have access to every piece of paper you ever touched. If you invoke executive privilege one time, I'm gone. An assistant D.A in Ducksworth wants to take your deposition, you're on the next plane. A freshman Congressman wants your testimony, you'll sit in his kitchen. They wanna drag you to The Hague and charge you with war crimes, what'll we say? Bartlet: Bring it on. The Fall's Gonna Kill You C.J.: You guys are like Butch and Sundance peering over the edge of a cliff to the boulder-filled rapids 300 feet below, thinking you better not jump 'cause there's a chance you might drown. The President has this disease and has been lying about it, and you guys are worried that the polling might make us look bad? It's the fall that's gonna kill ya. Josh: I told her we were commissioning a poll to explore attitudes towards subsurface agricultural products. Leo: Subsurface agricultural - What the hell? Josh: Underground. We think Americans are eating more beets. Toby: He calls you and me the Batman and Robin of speech-writing. Sam: Well, I don't think he does... Toby: He doesn't, but he should, 'cause that's what we are. Sam: Okay. Toby: We're Batman and Robin! Sam: Which one's which? Toby: Look at me, Sam. Am I Robin? Sam: I'm not Robin. Toby: Yes, you are. Sam: Okay, well, let's move off this. Toby: You bet, little friend. Sam: Listen, we're really not Batman and Robin. Toby: No, we'll keep those identities secret. I'm Bruce Wayne, and you're my ward... Sam: Toby... Toby: ...Dick something. Donna: A thing the size of a garbage truck is gonna be in a two-thousand-mile-an-hour free fall and no one knows where it's gonna hit! Charlie: I'm rooting for Zurich. Donna: Charlie? Charlie: I've had it up to here with the Swiss. Babish: "Are you not able to recognize a standard medical history form when it is put in front of your face?" Abbey: I didn't read it! I didn't think it was important! Babish: What else have you signed without thinking it was important? Prescriptions? Abbey: No! Babish: Patient instructions? Abbey: No! Babish: Oh, so just this? Abbey: Oliver, I am not an expert in the diseases of the central nervous system, but I can tell you that MS is not hereditary. The President's condition has absolutely no relevance to Zoey's health status. Babish: Well, now you're changing your story, Mrs. Bartlet. Abbey: No, I'm not. Babish: Did you sign it because you were absent-minded or did you sign it because you knew best? Abbey: I signed it 'cause...I just signed it...It was a form...And I think making a big thing out of it is what makes it into a big thing! Babish: Really? Abbey: And I'm not a hundred percent sure that that's not what you're going for. Babish: Why would I want to make it a big thing? Abbey: Because defending the President in primetime looks good on a resume. Babish: Well, I've got a pretty good-looking resume already, Mrs. Bartlet. And it's not a big thing because I say so, ma'am; it's a big thing. You're gonna get all the questions I just asked you, and quite a few more. And then they're gonna ask the President if he was in the room when you signed it. And that's when he's gonna give everyone's favorite answer from a President who has just announced that he has MS: "I. DON'T. REMEMBER." 18th and Potomac Josh: Are you saying that people who start smoking and get addicted to nicotine are too stupid to live? Senator Rossitter: No, I'm saying they're too stupid to be protected by the courts. Mrs. Landingham: You know I could beat you up anytime I want, sir. Bartlet: Secret Service would have you down like a calf at a rodeo. ... Mrs. Landingham: [on her new car] When you get inside, there's this... Bartlet: Smell? Mrs. Landingham: How did you know? Bartlet: It's the smell of freedom... and the chemicals they treat your dashboard with. Babish: Mrs. Bartlet, I want to talk to you about... Abbey: [firmly] Dr. Bartlet. [pause] When did I stop being "Dr." Bartlet? When in the campaign did I decide that women were gonna like me more if I called myself "Mrs."? When did I decide that women were that stupid? Leo: We're not going to stop, soften, detour, postpone, circumvent, obfuscate or trade a single one of our goals to allow for whatever extracurricular nonsense is coming our way in the next days, weeks and months. Toby: When did we decide this? Leo: Just now.[Charlie is standing behind his desk staring silently at the phone receiver in his hand.]Leo: Charlie? Charlie: Leo, there was an accident at 18th and Potomac. Mrs. Landingham was driving her car back here. Leo: What happened? Charlie: There was a drunk driver and they ran the light at 18th and Potomac. They ran it at a high speed. Leo: Charlie, is she all right? Charlie: No...She's dead.[Leo stares at Charlie for several moments, completely stunned.] Leo: [a bit hoarse] Is he alone? Charlie: Yeah.[Leo enters the Oval Office to tell the president] Two Cathedrals [Flashback]Young Bartlet: Why do you talk to me like this? Mrs. Landingham: You've never had a big sister and you need one. Look at you. You're a Boy King. You're a foot smarter than the smartest kid in the class. You're blessed with inspiration. You must know this by now. You must have sensed it. Look, if you think we're wrong... if you think Mr. Hopkins should honestly get paid more than Mrs. Chadwick, then I respect that. But if you think we're right and you won't speak up because you can't be bothered, then God, Jed, I don't even want to know you. Bartlet: [standing in the National Cathedral, walking towards the altar and talking to God about Mrs. Landingham] You're a son-of-a-bitch, You know that? She bought her first new car and You hit her with a drunk driver. What, was that supposed to be funny? "You can't conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God," says Graham Greene. I don't know whose ass he was kissing there 'cause I think You're just vindictive. What was Josh Lyman? A warning shot? That was my son. What did I ever do to Yours except praise His glory and praise His name? There's a tropical storm that's gaining speed and power. They say we haven't had a storm this bad since You took out that tender ship of mine in the north Atlantic last year, 68 crew. Do You know what a tender ship does? Fixes the other ships. Doesn't even carry guns, just goes around, fixes the other ships and delivers the mail, that's all it can do. Gratias Tibi ago, domine (I give thanks to You, O Lord). Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I've committed many sins. Have I displeased You, You feckless thug? Three point eight million new jobs, that wasn't good? Bailed out Mexico, increased foreign trade, 30 million new acres of land for conservation, put Mendoza on the bench, we're not fighting a war, I've raised three children... that's not enough to buy me out of the doghouse? Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto? A deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem! Tuus in terra servus nuntius fui officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem! (Am I to believe those were the acts of a loving God? A just God? A wise God? To hell with Your punishments! I was Your servant on Earth - I spread Your word and did Your work. To hell with your punishments! To hell with You!) [walks away from the altar, lights a cigarette, takes one puff, throws it to the ground, puts it out with his foot and proceeds to leave] You get Hoynes! C.J.: We'll call them Answer A and Answer B. Josh: Yeah. C.J. Mr. President does this mean you won't be seeking a second term? Answer A is 'You bet. I will absolutely be seeking a second term. I'm looking forward to the campaign. There is great work that is yet to be done.' Josh: Yes. C.J.: Answer B... Josh: 'Are you out of your mind? I can't possibly win re-election. I lied about a degenerative illness. I'm the target of a Grand Jury investigation and Congress is about to take me out to lunch. I'd sooner have my family take their clothes off and dance the Tarantella on the Truman Balcony than go through a campaign with this around my neck.' [pause] You think that's too on the nose? C.J.: I do.[Bartlet stands alone in the Oval Office, in the middle of a raging storm. The back door suddenly flies open]Bartlet: God damn it...Mrs. Landingham![Mrs. Landingham suddenly walks through the main door of the Oval Office]Mrs. Landingham: I really wish you wouldn't shout, Mr. President.[Bartlet stares at her for a few seconds]Bartlet: The door keeps blowin' open. Mrs. Landingham: Yes, but there's an intercom and you could use it to call me at my desk. Bartlet: I was- Mrs. Landingham: You don't know how to use the intercom. Bartlet: It's not that I don't know how to use it. It's just that I haven't learned yet.[Pause. Mrs. Landingham smiles at him]Bartlet: I have MS, and I didn't tell anybody. Mrs. Landingham: Yeah. So, you're having a little bit of a day. Bartlet: You're gonna make jokes? Mrs. Landingham: God doesn't make cars crash and you know it. Stop using me as an excuse. Bartlet: [nods] The Party's not going to want me to run. Mrs. Landingham: The Party'll come back. You'll get them back. Bartlet: I've got a secret for you, Mrs. Landingham, I've never been the most popular guy in the Democratic Party. Mrs. Landingham: I've got a secret for you, Mr. President. Your father was a prick who could never get over the fact that he wasn't as smart as his brothers. Are you in a tough spot? Yes. Do I feel sorry for you? I do not. Why? Because there are people way worse off than you. Bartlet: [nods] Give me numbers. Mrs. Landingham: I don't know numbers. You give them to me. Bartlet: How about a child born in this minute has a one in five chances of being born into poverty? Mrs. Landingham: How many Americans don't have health insurance? Bartlet: 44 million. Mrs. Landingham: What's the number one cause of death for black men under 35? Bartlet: Homicide. Mrs. Landingham: How many Americans are behind bars? Bartlet: Three million. Mrs. Landingham: How many Americans are drug addicts? Bartlet: Five million. Mrs. Landingham: And one in five kids in poverty? Bartlet: That's thirteen million American children. Three and a half million kids go to schools that are literally falling apart. We need 127 billion in school construction, and we need it today! Mrs. Landingham: To say nothing of 53 people trapped in an embassy. Bartlet: Yes. Mrs. Landingham: You know, if you don't want to run again, I respect that. [stands up] But if you don't run 'cause you think it's gonna be too hard or you think you're gonna lose - well, God, Jed, I don't even want to know you. Sandy: Mr. President, can you tell us right now if you'll be seeking a second term? Bartlet: I'm sorry, Sandy, there was a bit of noise there, could you repeat the question? Sandy: Can you tell us right now if you'll be seeking a second term?[pause]Leo: Watch this...[Bartlet slides his hands off the podium, puts them in his pockets, looks away and smiles] Season Three Isaac and Ishmael Josh: What's Islamic extremism? It's strict adherence to a particular interpretation of 7th century Islamic law as practiced by the prophet Mohammed, and when I say "strict adherence," I'm not kidding around. Men are forced to pray, wear their beards a certain length. Among my favorites is there's only one acceptable cheer at a soccer match: 'Allah-hu-Akbar.' "God is great." If your guys are getting creamed, then you're on your own. Things are a lot less comic for women, who aren't allowed to attend school or have jobs. They're not allowed to be unaccompanied, and oftentimes get publicly stoned to death for crimes like not wearing a veil. I don't have to tell you they don't need to shout at a soccer match because they're never going to go to one. So what bothers them about us? Well, the variety of cheers alone coming from the cheap seats at Giants stadium when they're playing the Cowboys is enough for a jihad, to say nothing of street corners lined church next to synagogue, next to mosque, newspapers that can print anything they want, women who can do anything they want including taking a rocket ship to outer space, vote, and play soccer. This is a plural society. That means we accept more than one idea. It offends them... You want to get these people? I mean, you really want to reach in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea. It makes them absolutely crazy. Toby: When you think of Afghanistan, think of Poland. When you think of the Taliban, think of the Nazis. When you think of the citizens of Afghanistan, think of the Jews in concentration camps. A friend of my dad's was at one of the camps. He used to come over to the house, and he and my dad used to shoot some pinochle. He said he once saw a guy at the camp kneeling and praying. He said, "What are you doing?" The guy said he was thanking God. And my dad's friend said, "What could you possibly be thanking God for?" He said, "I'm thanking God for not making me like them." Bad people can't be recognized on sight. There's no point in trying. Bartlet: A martyr would rather suffer death at the hands of an oppressor than renounce his beliefs. Killing yourself and innocent people to make a point is sick, twisted, brutal, dumb-ass murder. And let me leave you with this thought before I go searching for the apples that were rightfully mine: we don't need martyrs right now. We need heroes. A hero would die for his country but he'd much rather live for it. Student: What do you call a society that has to just live every day with the idea that the pizza place you are eating in could just blow up without any warning? Sam: Israel. Josh: But listen, don't worry about all this right now. We got you covered. Worry about school. Worry about what you'll tell your parents when you break curfew. You're gonna meet guys. You're gonna meet girls. Not so much you, Fred. Learn things, be good to each other. Read the newspapers, go to the movies, go to a party, read a book. In the meantime, remember pluralism. You want to get these people? I mean, you really want to go in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea. Makes them absolutely crazy. Manchester, Part I Sandy: Can you tell us right now if you'll be seeking a second term? Bartlet: Yeah. And I'm gonna win. Reporter: Was he physically and emotionally prepared to make a life and death decision after what he'd just been through? C.J.: He'd been through a TV interview and a press conference. The President finds you all annoying but not prohibitively debilitating. Charlie: Aren't you supposed to be writing? Toby: I am writing. Charlie: I don't see paper. Toby: 'We can sit back and admit with great sensitivity that life isn't fair... and the less-advantaged are destined to their lot in life... and the problems of those on the other side of the world should stay there... and our leaders are cynical and can never be an instrument of change... but that, my friends, is not worthy of you; it's not worthy of a President; it's not worthy of a great nation; it's not worthy of America.' Paper's for wimps. Babish: Today, the President is going to direct the Attorney General to appoint a Special Prosecutor. Charlie: Yes. Babish: Now, you know what that means, right? Charlie: Yeah. Babish: Okay, so you'll need a lawyer. Charlie: Actually, Mr. Babish, I don't think I need one. Babish: You do. Charlie: I think I'll be fine. Babish: Really? Charlie: Yeah. Babish: He's going to ask you about everything you'd seen and heard since you started working at the White House. Charlie: I can answer those questions truthfully. Babish: Then he's going to call you back a month later and ask you the exact same questions. If your answers change even a little bit, he'll prosecute you for perjury. Charlie: Mr. Babish... Babish: Oliver's fine. Are you prepared to describe every conversation you've ever had with the President? Whether he asked you for an aspirin? Whether his hands quivered? Are you prepared to answer questions about your relationship with his youngest daughter? This is NFL football. Charlie: When is this all going to happen? Babish: I don't know. Charlie: How can you not know? Babish: Because grand jury investigations are secret. Charlie: So they can just knock on my door one morning? Babish: They will knock on your door one morning. Charlie: How much? You know, how much do you think... Babish: Assuming you did nothing wrong, saw nothing wrong and heard nothing wrong - about a hundred thousand dollars. Toby: It's a typical marriage, I've been there. Charlie: Well, I haven't, but he's the President of the United States, so my guess is no, it's probably not a typical marriage. Manchester, Part II Bartlet: It occurs to me, I never said I'm sorry. I am. For the lawyers, for the press, for the mess, for the fear. Bruno, Doug, Connie -- these guys are good. They want to win. So do we. The only thing we want more is to be right. I wonder if you can't do both. There's a new book... and we're going to write it. You can win, if you run a smart disciplined campaign. If you studiously say nothing, nothing that causes you trouble, nothing that's a gaff. Nothing that shows that you might think the wrong thing, nothing that shows you think. But it just isn't worthy of us, is it Toby? It isn't worth of us, it isn't worthy of America, and it isn't worthy of a great nation. We're going to write a new book, right here, right now. Today. Bruno: I've been thinking it might not be such a bad idea to lock you all in here and set the place on fire. We have 48 hours before we kick off this campaign. We will work hard, we will work well, and we will work together. Or so help me, mother of God, I will stick a pitchfork so far up your asses you will quite simply be dead. Connie: I was trying to find a Starbucks. A guy in a gas station said, "Round here, people don't pay four bucks for a cup of coffee." Sam: New Hampshire. Live free or cheap. Bruno: You were the one who sent them the press releases, right? Josh: What press releases? Bruno: Subcommittee. About tobacco. Josh: Yes, I was. Bruno: Well, that was stupid. Josh: You think? Bruno: No, I know. Josh: I got two years as legislative director in the House, two years as floor director in the Senate, and thirty months as Deputy Chief of Staff. What do you got? Bruno: Josh... Josh: Kalmbach's a fat-ass Rotarian gasbag. I knew once I sent the thing he'd raise the profile and give us the press we needed. Bruno: Kalmbach is vulnerable in his home state. He's got an influx of tech and other clean industries along his Route Nine corridor, along with the suburban voters that go with it - affluent parents who don't want their kids smoking. Josh: We got the money, Bruno. Bruno: You don't want the money. You want the issue. You should have waited until the fall when the bell rings and then we hammer them with it. Then Kalmbach, Leder, Ross, Roark, Steve - whoever gets the nomination - has it hanging around their necks they're nicotine pushers. [beat] Plus, you get the money. [long pause] The sooner you get I know what I'm talking about, and I'm on your side, the sooner your world gets better. Of course, you got the money. I'm amazed they didn't send it to you with candy and a stripper. Pennsylvania. Michigan. Ohio. Three swing states you could have brought over with that. That's an election. Bartlet: Did you know that hardly any of the guys who landed on the moon are married to the same people they were married to before they went there? Abbey: What? Bartlet: I'm just saying, it could have been worse: I could have been an astronaut. Abbey: You could not have been an astronaut. Bartlet: I would have been a great astronaut. Abbey: You're afraid of heights, speed, fire, and small enclosed spaces. Bartlet: I'd have overcome it to go to the moon. Abbey: I know you would have. [pause] There's something important I have to say. I haven't really made up my mind yet, but at the moment, I'm leaning towards voting for you. Ways and Means Donna: I had a plan! Each box was numbered. There is a piece of paper with a number and a corresponding description of the contents of each box. Josh: Well, where is the piece of paper? [Donna glares at him.] Donna: It's... in one of these boxes. I had a plan. I grew up on a farm. Josh: You grew up in a condo. Donna: I grew up near a farm. And I was cute and I was peppy. And I always did well on my 19th Century English Literature midterm until you came along and sucked me into your life of crime! Josh: Hey, I'm not the- Donna: White collar crime boy! You know what they do to a girl like me on the cell block? I've seen those movies. Josh: Yeah, me too. Donna: I bet you have. Josh: Look- Donna: Sell my farm girl ass for a carton of Luckys. Josh: Hey, seriously, you need to sleep for a while. Donna: I can't yet. 'Cause in one of these boxes are FedEx receipts and mailroom records for any gifts or packages sent to senior staff, [starts yelling] and in one of these boxes is a piece of paper which says which box it's in! Josh: I'll be in the office. Donna: Your office is down the corridor about 200 feet from here. Try not to commit any felonies on the way. Josh: I'll do my best. Babish: A subpoena is just a legal agreement to produce certain testimony and documents. C.J.: Yeah, but isn't that like the way a mugger uses a gun to produce your wallet? Ainsley: What do you need? C.J.: I want you to get together with one of your friends in the press room from a conservative paper. Ainsley: You really think we have a secret handshake, don't you? C.J.: Do you? Ainsley: Yes. Donna: Why are you a Republican? Cliff: Because I hate poor people. I hate them, Donna. They're all so poor, and many of 'em talk funny, and don't have proper table manners... my father slaved away at the Fortune 500 company he inherited so that I could go to Choate, Brown and Harvard and see that this country isn't overrun by poor people and lesbians. No... I'm Republican because I believe in smaller government. This country was founded on the principle of freedom, and freedom stands opposed to constraints, and the bigger the government, the more the constraints. Donna: Wow. Cliff: You agree with that? Donna: No, it's crap but you're really cute. Leo: What have you got? C.J.: Nothing. And you know why? Leo: Rollins likes us. C.J.: I don't know if he likes us, but he doesn't hate us. Leo: Well, that's just because he doesn't know us. C.J.: Leo, we need to be investigated by someone who wants to kill us just to watch us die. We need someone perceived by the American people to be irresponsible, untrustworthy, partisan, ambitious, and thirsty for the limelight. Am I crazy, or is this not a job for the U.S. House of Representatives? On the Day Before Bartlet: You know what we're starting with tonight? Josh: No, sir. Bartlet: Hot pumpkin soup with cheese gnocchi and a chèvre brioche. Josh: Was anything you just said food? Bartlet: They're going to miss hot pumpkin soup with a cheese gnocchi and a chèvre brioche. Leo: Yeah. Bartlet: That's a pretty big price to pay just to override my veto. Sam: You know that there's an emergency meeting of the Republican Leadership? Leo: Yeah. Bartlet: I say they could've waited until after the entree. Josh: Maybe they didn't know about the chevre brioche. Sam: Does anyone want to consider waiting? Toby: No. Sam: The Constitution gives them ten days. Toby: I'm familiar with it. Sam: So why don't we...? Toby: 'Cause if it's a show of strength and resolve, you don't wait to think about it. Sam: And if they override the veto, it's neither strong nor resolute. Toby: They don't have the votes to override. Sam: Says you. Toby: Says me, Josh, the Office of Political Liaison, Legislative Liaison and the Minority Whip. Bartlet: Sometimes it's like I don't even need to be here. Donna: Sam needs more time. Josh: All right. Tell him to have a Democrat call for a journal vote. If a member calls for a journal vote, the full House has to approve the previous day's floor activity. Donna: [scribbling on a notepad] Okay. Josh: After that, he can have a member try to attach an amendment to the override vote. Donna: What kind of amendment? Josh: Doesn't matter. "To qualify for the estate tax repeal, the estates have to have Astroturf." Donna: And still it's hard to figure why Congress can't get anything done. Sherri: [after C.J. embarrassed her in the press room] That was totally uncalled for.[C.J. keeps walking.]C.J.: Yeah? Sherri: My competitors are gonna show that tape. Every local station in town... C.J.: [stops walking] What? Are you crazy? That thing's going out to 154 affiliates! Sherri: Look... C.J.: I changed my clothes because I didn't think it was appropriate to talk about two dead teenagers while wearing a ball gown and you know that because you're stupid but you're not stupid, you know what I'm saying? Security's gonna take your press credentials, you'll call my office every day, and I'll decide if you get into the room. I'm taking your spot on Pebble Beach, you can do your stand-ups from Lafayette Park. Sherri: Who the hell do you- C.J.: One more word out of your mouth and every local station but yours gets an exclusive with the President. Hunting season on me is over. [Sherri exits] And the chemical formula for table salt is NaCl! War Crimes Bartlet: Words when spoken out loud for the sake of performance are music. They have rhythm and pitch and timbre and volume. These are the properties of music and music has the ability to find us and move us and lift us up in ways that literal meaning can't. Abbey: You are an oratorical snob. Bartlet: Yes, and God loves me for it. Abbey: You said he was sending you to hell. Bartlet: For other stuff, not for this. You can't just trod out Ephesians, which he blew, by the way, it has nothing with husbands and wives, it's all of us. Saint Paul begins the passage: "Be subject to one another out of reverence to Christ." [passionately] "Be subject to one another." In this day and age of 24-hour cable crap, devoted to feeding the voyeuristic gluttony of the American public, hooked on a bad soap opera that's passing itself off as important, don't you think you might be able to find some relevance in verse 21? How do you end the cycle? Be subject to one another! Abbey: So... This is about you. Bartlet: No, it's not about me! Well, yes, it is about me, but tomorrow it'll be about somebody else. We'll watch Larry King and see who. [shouts] All hacks, off the stage! Right now! That's a national security order. Gen. Adamle: Sultan Bin Abu Azir ain't what he used to be. Last time I was in Kuwait he gave me a gold-inlaid Gadara sword originating from the Bin Hamar tribe. Leo: What'd you get this time? Gen. Adamle: Nothing. Leo: Wanna go down to the Situation Room, blow 'em off the face of the earth? Sam: This country is populated with unbalanced people, many of whom find their way to Washington, as if the continent funnels them into this one spot. Hoynes: Twenty-nine states have "shall issue" laws. Bartlet: And if you look at the state of New Jersey, which has a "may issue" law-if you look at changing that one word... Hoynes: Look, I'm not saying... Bartlet: Changing that one word means law enforcement can decide who gets a concealed weapon and when and where they can carry it. Texas has a "may issue" law in front of a legislature right now, and you going down there... Hoynes: Me going down there is suicide, sir, and you know it. Bartlet: It's counter-scheduling. You go in front of an unfriendly audience. You tell them something they don't want to hear-it shows you have courage. Hoynes: So the editor of the New York Times will think I have courage, while the people who decide elections... Bartlet: You're a hero in Texas! Hoynes: I was a hero in Texas. Bartlet: Texans don't like that you have the courage of your convictions? Hoynes: They're not my convictions, they're yours. Bartlet: Oh, yeah, I forgot. Hoynes: Forty percent of Americans have a gun in their home. Bartlet: Only 16% believe gun ownership is an absolute right. Only 9% believe it's an absolute wrong. There's a middle. We can win them! Hoynes: [testily] Not when we're running the MS defense, Mr. President! Bartlet: Which we wouldn't have been doing if... Hoynes: If what, sir? Bartlet: Nothing.[Hoynes stands]Bartlet: You outed me, John. With that trip to Nashua, with the oil companies. You wanted people to start asking questions. Hoynes: I needed to start running because nobody told me I wasn't! And you announced it! And I found out on television! Bartlet: [yelling] So did my wife. Hoynes: [yelling] This whole thing was mismanaged, sir! Bartlet: Look... Hoynes: [yelling] It was blown! Bartlet: Yes, it was. Hoynes: Yes, it was![They glare at each other for several long moments.]Bartlet: It's not easy being my Vice President, is it? Hoynes: [sighs] No, sir. Bartlet: I wouldn't think so. But it's the only way you're gonna get the nomination. You know that, right? If I win. Hoynes: Yeah. And the only way you're gonna win is if I'm on the ticket. You know that, don't you, sir? Bartlet: Yeah.[Hoynes starts to leave.]Bartlet: You'll go to Texas? Hoynes: [nods] I want a seat at the table. Bartlet: Yeah. Gone Quiet Leo: We've got to meet with Albie. Bartlet He's going to scold me. He's been at the State Department since Truman. He thinks I'm a kid and that he outranks me. Leo: You'll be fine. Bartlet: I've got to tell him I lost a submarine. Can I make something up like say 'what if a friend of mine hypothetically...' Leo: We'll meet with him as soon as he can get here. Bartlet: Bring a copy of the constitution. I'm gonna show him I'm not scared. Abbey: I was hiking, Oliver. I was hiking. Are you really that much an enemy of nature? Babish: Nature is to be protected from. Nature, like a woman, will seduce you with its sights…and its scents and its touch…and then it breaks your ankle, also like a woman. Abbey: What the hell kind of dates are you going on, Oliver? Babish: I hear ya. C.J.: The Majority Leader got the question last night. Josh: Yeah. And he just kept on diggin'. [quoting] 'We have the greatest technology of any people, of any country in the world, along with the greatest - not the greatest, but very serious problems confronting our people. And I want to be President in order to focus on these problems in a way that uses the energy of our people to move us forward, basically.' C.J.: Yes! Josh: It's the 'basically' that makes it art. Babish: You broke some laws, Abbey, and quite frankly you should be ashamed of yourself, but this investigation isn't about that. Abbey: Look– Babish: It's about the criminalization of politics. An attempt to do in the hearing room what they couldn't do at the ballot box. Abbey: I understand, but we don't have the luxury... Babish: Abbey, stop eating fruits, stop eating vegetables, it's doing something bad to you. Fruits and vegetables will seduce you, like a woman, with their... Abbey: Oliver! Babish: Truth isn't a luxury. You're going to go in there, you're going to swear an oath, you're going to get asked questions, and you're going to tell the truth. It's the way you stand up and say 'Stop!' Abbey: You should be careful, Oliver. You keep talking like a person, they're going to kick you out of the bar. Babish: I've been kicked out of bars before. Abbey: I meant– Babish: I know what you meant. Sam: Why are you so bent on countering these idiot leaflets? Bruno: Because I am tired of working for candidates who make me think I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam. I'm tired of getting them elected. You all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said liberal means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on communism, soft on defense, and we're going to tax you back to the stone age, because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to. And instead of saying 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, Leave it to Beaver trip back to the fifties,' we cowered in the corner. And said 'Please don't hurt me.' No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh, what do you say? Toby: I agree. Sam: Toby... Toby: So let's stick to the spirit of the law. Sam: The spirit of the law means no soft money. Toby: No, I'm saying let's do an issue ad, an actual issue ad. Let's do a bunch. Health care, equal opportunity-- Connie: School construction. Toby: School construction. Does anyone think that raising awareness of crumbling schools won't help us? Sam: There's actually a reasonable point here. New polls see Republicans as better on education with no basis for it. Bruno: And the ad could spark a debate on the issue, which would help. Sam: And we take a parallel path on our free media. Connie: Across America, our schools are crumbling, holes in the walls, kids packed into trailers like sardines in a can. Half of America's schools are in disrepair. Toby: And when schools fall down, so do test scores. Bruno: This isn't bad, I like this. Sam: Yes. Bruno: Why am I nervous? Sam: It's not amoral. Bruno: [laughs] Yeah. The Indians in the Lobby Bartlet: Were we talking about something? C.J.: I don't know sir, when I came in here – back in the late 50s – there was a purpose to it but then one thing led to another and I blacked out. I mean, I can hang in there with the best of them, sir, but somewhere during the conversation about anise and coriander and the other fifteen spices you like to use to baste a turkey I simply lost consciousness. Bartlet: You know that line you're not supposed to cross with the President? C.J.: I'm coming up to it? Bartlet: No, no, look behind you. Bruno: [to Bartlet] I have difficulty sometimes talking to people who don't race sailboats. When I was a teenager, I crewed Larchmont to Nassau on a 58-foot sloop called Cantice. There was a little piece of kelp that was stuck to the hull, and even though it was little, you don't want anything stuck to the hull. So, I take a boat hook on a pole and I stick it in the water and I try to get the kelp off, when seven guys start screaming at me, right? 'Cause now the pole is causing more drag than the kelp was. See, what you gotta do is you gotta drop it in and let the water lift it out in a windmill motion. Drop it in, and let the water take it by the kelp and lift it out. In, and out. In, and out, till you got it. The voters aren't choosing a plumber, Mr. President. They are choosing a president. And if you don't think that your family should matter, my suggestion to you is to get out of professional politics. And if you think that I'm going to miss even one opportunity to pick up half-a-knot boat speed, you're absolutely out of your mind. When it costs us nothing, when we give up nothing?! You're out of your mind. Operator: Hello, welcome to the Butterball Hotline. Toby: What the hell is... Bartlet: Shhhh. Hello!! Operator: How can I help you, sir? Bartlet: Well, first let me say, I think this is a wonderful service you provide. Operator: Well, thank you. May I have your name please? Bartlet: I'm a citizen. Operator: I'm sure you are, sir, but if I have your name I can put your comments in our customer feedback form. Bartlet: I'm Joe Betherson...ton. That's one 't', and with an 'h' in there. Operator: And your address? Bartlet: Fargo. Operator: Your street address, please? Toby: [picks up another phone, into it] Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota, right now. [hangs up]Bartlet: My street address is 114... 54 Pruder Street, and it's very important that you put 'street' down there because sometimes it gets confused with Pruder Way and Pruder Lane. Apartment 23 R... Fargo, North Dakota... [Charlie walks in with a piece of paper, Bartlet grabs it.] Zip code 50504. Operator: Thank you. Your voice sounds very familiar to me. Bartlet: I do radio commercials for... products. Operator: And how can I help you? Bartlet: [sits down] Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct? Operator: It can also be baked in a casserole dish. Bartlet: Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we? [Toby sits down and puts his hand under his chin.]Operator: I suppose. Bartlet: If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker. Operator: Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are Salmonella and Campylobacter jejuni. Bartlet: All right. Well, first of all, I think you made the second bacteria up, and second of all, how do I avoid it? Operator: Make sure all the ingredients are cooked first. Sauté any vegetables, fried sausage, oysters, etc. Bartlet: Excellent! Let's talk temperature. Operator: One hundred and sixty-five degrees. Bartlet: No, see, I was testing you! The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked to an internal temperature of 180 to 185 degrees. Operator: Yes, sir, I was talking about the stuffing which you want to cook to 165 to avoid health risks. Bartlet: Okay. Good testing! Operator: Do you have an accurate thermometer? Bartlet: Oh yeah. It was presented to me as a gift from the personal sous chef to the king of... [Toby raises his hand and Bartlet catches himself] auto sales in... Toby: [whispering] Fargo. Bartlet: Fargo. Phil Baharnd. The man can sell a car like... well, like anything. Operator: Very good, sir. You have a good Thanksgiving! Bartlet: And you do, too. Thanks a lot! [hangs up the phone] That was excellent! We should do that once a week. Note: The actual residential ZIP codes for Fargo range from 58102 to 58106. The zip code given, 50504, is not a valid USPS ZIP code Abbey: They came to me. They said, "What do you think about having Thanksgiving at Camp David instead of New Hampshire?" They told me why, I said fine. Bartlet: And what part are you leaving out now? Abbey: The part where I lied to you. Bartlet: Yes! Abbey: Yes! I do that sometimes. Sometimes I don't wanna go fifteen rounds on Bess Truman and what constitutes a farm. On your behalf, I have responded to polling information telling me what I should wear, and what I should say, to say nothing of the fact that I have been subpoenaed to answer questions before Congress on how I secretly kept you alive. So explain to me now how what I did was out of line. Bartlet: You know what? It was. Abbey: [pause] I know. Bartlet: Well, with the ingredients for stuffing you have to cook them before you put them in the turkey, and you're not going to know whether I did or not. Abbey: I'll do what I always do with anything you cook. I'll wait for the girls to eat it first. Bartlet: Me, too. C.J.: [about Native American rights] How do you keep fighting these smaller injustices when they're all from the Mother of Injustices? Maggie: What's the alternative? The Women of Qumar Leo: A national seat-belt law is never gonna happen. Sam: Why? Leo: What's the most important state in the primaries? Sam: New Hampshire. Leo: What's the most important state in the general? Sam: Michigan. Leo: What's the only state without a mandatory seat-belt law? Sam: New Hampshire. Leo: And where do they make the cars? Sam: Fair enough. Josh: I just came from seeing Amy Gardner. C.J.: Yeah? How'd it go? Josh: I showed her who's boss. C.J.: Who'd it turn out to be? Josh: It's still unclear. C.J.: You know, if I was living in Qumar, I wouldn't be allowed to say 'Shove it up your ass, Toby,' but since I'm not: Shove it up your ass, Toby! Josh: How's making prostitution illegal not suppressing women's rights? Amy: How is making heroin use illegal not suppressing a heroin user's rights? Josh: It is, but heroin's bad for you. Amy: So's being a prostitute. Josh: How am I not supposed to call you a hypocrite when you say that the government shouldn't tell women what to do with their bodies? Amy: Exercise some self control, I guess. Prostitution is about the subjugation of women by men for profit. Josh: But the profit goes to the women. Amy: In some cases. But I know of no little girl, and neither do you, who says "I want to be a prostitute when I grow up." C.J.: They beat women, Nancy. They hate women. The only reason they keep Qumari women alive is to make more Qumari men. Nancy: So what do you want me to do about it? C.J.: How about instead of suggesting that we sell the guns to them, suggesting that we shoot the guns at them? And by the way, not to change the subject, but how are we supposed to have any moral credibility when we talk about gun control and making sure that guns don't get in the hands of the wrong people? God, Nancy! What the hell are we defining as the right people? Nancy: This is the real world, and we can't isolate our enemies. C.J.: I know about the real world, and I'm not suggesting we isolate them. Nancy: You're suggesting we eliminate them. C.J.: I have a briefing. Nancy: You're suggesting that... C.J.: I'm not suggesting anything. I don't suggest foreign policy around here. Nancy: You are right now. C.J.: It's the twenty-first century, Nancy. The world's gotten smaller. I don't know how we can tolerate this kind of suffering anymore, particularly when all it does is continue the cycle of anti-American hatred. But that's not the point, either. Nancy: What's the point? C.J.: The point is that apartheid was an Easthampton clambake compared to what we laughingly refer to as the life these women lead. And if we had sold M1-A1s to South Africa fifteen years ago, you'd have set the building on fire. Thank God we never needed to refuel in Johannesburg! Nancy: [nods] It's a big world, C.J. And everybody has guns, and I'm doing the best I can. C.J.: [in tears] They're beating the women, Nancy! Bartlet for America Bartlet: [on phone] Listen, I don't care that much about your ass but if you need to perjure yourself to protect me you're going to damn well do it. Leo: Sir, this isn't a secure call, so I'm going to say to the 17 global intelligence agencies that are listening in that he was kidding just then. Bartlet: How'd you get him? Casper: He was pulled over for a bad brake light and he thought it was something else. Bartlet: A two-year investigation gets its first crack from a broken taillight. Casper: In thirteen years with the bureau I've discovered that there's no amount of money, man-power or knowledge that can equal the person you're looking for being stupid. Bartlet: Good, well, some of the stupidest criminals in the world are working right here in America. I've always been very proud of that. Leo: The President was at the debate site, walking the stage. A podium is a holy place for him. He makes it his own like it's an extension of his body. You ever see a pitcher work the mound so the dirt does exactly what his feet want it to do? That's the President. He sees it as a genuine opportunity to change minds – also his best way of contributing to the team. He likes teams. I love him so much. Leo: I'm an alcoholic. I don't have one drink. [pauses] I don't understand people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this? How can you not want to feel like this longer? [pauses, sighs] My brain works differently. ... Jordan: I don't understand how you could have a drink. I don't understand how, after everything you worked for, how on that day of all days you could be so stupid. Leo: That's because you think it has something to do with smart and stupid. Do you have any idea how many alcoholics are in Mensa? You think it's a lack of willpower? That's like thinking somebody with anorexia nervosa has an overdeveloped sense of vanity. My father was an alcoholic. His father was an alcoholic. So, in my case... Jordan: [nods] Ain't nothin' but a family thing. Cliff: Leo McGarry's sobriety isn't the subject of these hearings. These hearings are to investigate if any rules - ethical or otherwise - were broken by Jed Bartlet while he was running for President. Gibson: That's nice, but I live in the actual world where the object of these hearings is to win. Cliff: [shakes his head] No... it's not. Gibson: It's the object of the Majority. Cliff: Not while I'm the Majority Counsel, it's not. This is bush league. This is why good people hate us. This, right here. This thing. This isn't what these hearings are about. He cannot possibly have been properly prepared by counsel for these questions, nor should he ever have to answer them publicly. And if you proceed with this line of questioning, I will resign this Committee, and wait in the tall grass for you, Congressman. Because you are killing the party. H. Con-172 Cliff: We're willing to end the hearings right now. Jordan: And his testimony? Cliff: His testimony, the First Lady's, the balance of the witness list, the hearings. We're willing to end them right now. Cliff: A joint resolution. H.R. 172. Jordan: Censure. Cliff: Yeah. A resolution condemning the President for lying to... Leo: He didn't lie. Jordan: Leo... Cliff: ...condemning the President for lying to the American people. Leo: Look, I'm not... Cliff: The White House can't object. In fact, it has to welcome the resolution, and let any Democrat who wants to vote in favor of it. Leo: You keep saying the White House, but you mean the President. Cliff: Yeah. Leo: Why aren't you talking to the President? Cliff: We think if the suggestion comes from you, it'll carry more weight than if the suggestion comes from the Chairman or the Speaker. Leo: Yeah? Cliff: Yes, sir. Leo: Okay. Well, I'll just call the President and suggest to him that he allow a huge bipartisan vote on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives calling him a liar and that he welcome the result. Then, I'm going to flap my wings and fly to Neverland. Jordan: Leo– Leo: You think I am so desperate to save my ass, I'm gonna roll over on Jed Bartlet? Cliff: I don't think it's a matter of– Leo: I take a bullet for the President. He doesn't take one for me. Josh: Well, I'm a straight shooter. I think my record's pretty clear on that. Toby: Yeah. Josh: [about Amy Gardner] I'd like to see her again. Toby: Call her. Josh: And ask her out? Toby: Yeah. Josh: No, no. 'Cause there's a potential she says no and then I have to move someplace where it'll never be spoken of again. Toby: Yeah. Josh: I need to come in under the cover of business. Toby: 'Cause you're a straight shooter. Josh: Yeah. I need a point of friction. An issue where the feministas and the White House disagree. That way, I can go to her, break the bad news, stand tough, smooth it over and then, you know, I take it from there. Toby: How about the word "feministas"? Jordan: It's a non-binding resolution. Do you know what that means? Leo: No, could you tell me, 'cause I've really started to take an interest in government lately. Jordan: Do you know how much force and effect it has? Leo: Jordan... Jordan: None. No force and effect. The following is a sampling of non-binding joint resolutions from the 106th Congress. Leo: I have a meeting. Jordan: A resolution in support of Ohio's state motto. A resolution fostering friendship and cooperation with the people of Mongolia. Leo: I have a meeting. Jordan: A resolution recognizing the contributions of Bristol, Tennessee, to the development of country music. Leo: I'm sorry, I have a budget meeting. Jordan: A resolution in support of Little League baseball. Leo: Jordan... Jordan: A resolution recogniz... Leo: This isn't that! This is five hundred and thirty-five Congressmen and Senators standing up and saying the President lied and should be ashamed of himself. And this is us, standing up and saying 'You're right.' This would be the first time in history a President has been censured. Congress isn't talk radio – it's the seat of democracy. Their opinion matters, and their condemnation doesn't have to come with handcuffs to be devastating to this President. That is the force and effect. And it's not gonna happen 'cause of me. Sam: [about an inaccurate tell-all book] I'm sorry. We can't sit on the sidelines and ignore this crap. I'm not going to. Why am I the only one taking this seriously? Toby: That's a reasonable question and we should explore that for a minute. Sam: It's not the reason you think. Toby: You hired the guy. Sam: Yes, I hired the guy, but that's not... Legitimate news organizations are going to cover this to say nothing of the people who hate us who are going to run it over, over, over, over, over...This guy was here for three minutes and he was fired. He is not credible. I'm a lawyer, I'm telling you. That has to be made clear. Every time he makes a factual mistake we got to come out with a press release. Every time he misquotes or misidentifies anyone we need to have an affidavit swearing to the truth. If there's a comma in the wrong place he needs to be killed until he is dead and he needs to be killed again or he is going to keep biting at our ankles and I mean all through the campaign. He needs to be a joke, or we're going to be. C.J.: [snapping fingers rhythmically] Boy, boy, crazy boy. Keep cool, boy... Sam: I'm not screwing around. C.J.: Me neither. Sit down. Sam: I'm not going to be a victim of this. C.J.: Let me tell you something I've learned in my years. There are victims of fires. There are victims of car accidents. This kind of thing, there are no victims - just volunteers. Of course we'll get in the game. I'll talk to the editors of the major papers but we're not going to publicly refute every bogus charge. First of all, there are too many of them. Second of all, I'm not going to give this guy and his book the weight of the White House. As far as the press is concerned I've read the book because I had to. You have a vague recollection of the guy but he wasn't here long enough to make a lasting impression. Have you read the book? Of course not. You're too busy doing a job. Sam: While you're convincing the Post and the Times that it's ridiculous... C.J.: Sam! Once again, we don't know what's going on in the Oval Office. Obviously, there's a problem. When it's our turn to worry about it they won't be shy about telling us. Let's not fixate on the knuckleheaded stuff we think we can fix in the meantime. And it feels a lot like...that's what you're doing. Leo: [about the resolution] It doesn't clear us up for the campaign. It's just a different looking stage weight around our ankle and now it comes with the Congressional Seal. It doesn't give us any room to argue the point. We've got two, maybe as many as three dozen House Democrats in tight races, and you've still got MS. Doing this to save me the embarrassment I've got coming to me is about the dumbest reason I can think... Bartlet: There's another reason. Leo: What? Bartlet: I was wrong. I was. I was just...I was wrong. Come on, you know that. Lots of times we don't know what right or wrong is but lots of times we do and come on, this is one. I may not have had sinister intent at the outset but there were plenty of opportunities for me to make it right. No one in government takes responsibility for anything anymore. We foster, we obfuscate, we rationalize. "Everybody does it." That's what we say. So we come to occupy a moral safe house where everyone's to blame so no one's guilty. I'm to blame. I was wrong. 100,000 Airplanes C.J.: [on the President] He's all right? Leo: He's about to be censured, and then he's gonna deliver the State of the Union, and then he's gonna run for reelection. My guess is, that there are some things on his mind. Josh: I'm seeing Amy again tonight. Donna: Second date? Josh: First date, really. Last night was more of a ... you know ... Donna: Scheme. Josh: Yeah. Donna: Good, 'cause the second date's usually where the wheels come off the wagon for you. Bartlet: A President stood up. He said we will land a man on the moon before the end of the decade. You know what we knew when he said that? Nothing. We didn't know anything. We didn't know about the lunar surface. We didn't know how to land one of these things. All we'd ever done is crash it into the ocean. And God knows we could figure out how to land soft. We didn't know how to blast off again, but a President said we're gonna do it, and we did it. So I ask you, why shouldn't I stand up and say we are going to cure cancer in ten years?[Silence in the room. No one responds.]Bartlet: I'm really asking. Josh: Well, how close are we to really being able to do this? Bartlet: Nobody knows. Josh: Then... Bartlet: Toby. Toby: It'll be seen as a political ploy. Bartlet: Why? C.J.: It can be seen... [to Toby] Excuse me. [to Bartlet] It can be seen as self-serving. Bartlet: How? C.J.: Using cancer to deflect attention from MS. Bartlet: You think people with cancer care what my motives are? You think their families do? C.J.: I'm saying... Bartlet: Joey? Joey: I agree with everything that's been said, except, I don't think they'll see it as deflecting the MS. I think they'll see it as deflecting the censure. Bartlet: Once again, why would somebody...? Joey: Everybody cares about motive, Mr. President. Bartlet: I didn't... Kenny: She said, "Everybody cares about motive," sir. Bartlet: Sam. Sam: Yes sir? Bartlet: Why shouldn't I do it? Sam: I think you should. I think ambition is good. I think overreaching is good. I think giving people a vision of government that's more than Social Security checks and debt reduction is good. I think government should be optimistic. Carol: [after the State of the Union speech] Congratulations, boss! C.J.: Nice job. Take the rest of the night off. Carol: Yeah, it's one in the morning. C.J.: Well, you've earned it! Sam, Sam, the sunshine man. Get on the couch, I'm gonna do you right here. Sam: Okay. C.J.: Sorry, I was still talking to Carol. Sam: What is wrong with you? C.J.: We really don't know. ... Sam: Hey, I'm just, you know. Anyway, congratulations. And if you're serious about that thing with Carol, I can just sit in the corner and not even say– C.J.:[laughing] Get out! Sam: [reading an excerpt rejected from the State of the Union speech] 'Over the past half century, we've split the atom, we've spliced the gene and we've roamed Tranquility Base. We've reached for the stars and never have we been closer to having them in our grasp. New science, new technology is making the difference between life and death, and so we need a national commitment equal to this unparalleled moment of possibility. And so I announce to you tonight that I will bring the full resources of the Federal Government and the full reach of my office to this fundamental goal: We will cure cancer by the end of this decade.' The Two Bartlets C.J.: So, the 4-H convention. Toby: We're not going. C.J.: I don't get it. How can you not want to see the butter cow? Toby: I'm that way. C.J.: You understand it's a life-size cow made entirely of butter. Toby: We're not going. C.J.: There's also a butter Elvis and a butter Last Supper which has, I swear to God, Toby... Toby: Butter on the table? C.J.: It's got butter on the table, right there between butter James and butter Peter, an almost mind-blowing vortex of art and material that dares the viewer to recall Marcel Duchamp. Toby: How do they keep it from melting? C.J.: How, indeed. Nancy: Toby, you have a phone call in the staff cabin. Toby: Thank you. C.J.: Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter. C.J.: Duchamp was the father of Dadaism. Toby: I know. C.J.: The da-da of Dada. Toby: It's like there's nothing you can do about that joke. It's coming, and you just have to stand there. C.J.: I'm the wrong Democrat to talk to about affirmative action. Toby: Why? C.J.: Because... After my father fought in Korea, he became what this government begs every college graduate to become. He became a teacher. And he raised a family on a teacher's salary, and he paid his taxes and always crossed at the green. And any time there was opportunity for career advancement, it took him an extra five years because invariably there was a less qualified black woman in the picture. So instead of retiring as superintendent of the Ohio Valley Union Free School District, he retired head of the math department at William Henry Harrison Junior High. Toby: I was a telemarketer for about a week. I can't remember what we were selling, but you worked off a script. "Hi. Good evening. My name is..." And "Toby Ziegler" was okay for New York, but once I got into the other time zones, I needed a name that wasn't gonna bother anybody. Bartlet: Toby, if you have something to say, please say it. Toby: Ritchie's good for all time zones. Bartlet: My family signed the Declaration of Independence. You think I've got an ethnicity problem? Toby: Well, the line isn't between light skin and dark skin. Bartlet: Yeah? Toby: It's between educated and masculine. Or Eastern academic elite and plain-spoken. Bartlet: It's always been like that. Toby: Yeah, but a funny thing happened when the White House got demystified. The impression was left that anybody could do it. Toby: Sir, I don't think I need to tell you that the level of respect with which the staff speaks of you doesn't change, depending on whether or not you're in the room. Bartlet: But? Toby: Well, there's always been a concern about the two Bartlets. The absent-minded professor with the 'Aw, Dad' sense of humor. Disarming and unthreatening. Good for all time zones. And the Nobel Laureate. Still searching for salvation. Lonely, frustrated, lethal. Bartlet: You're gonna sing a country western song? Toby: The one whose father never liked him because he was too smart. Bartlet: This stopped being fun for me a little while ago. Toby: Sir? Bartlet: It was actually never fun for me. I was just being polite. Toby: [pause] Your father used to hit you, didn't he, Mr. President? Bartlet: Excuse me? Toby: Your father used to hit you, sir? Bartlet: [pause] Yeah. Toby: Not like a spanking. Bartlet: He hit me. Why? Toby: He punched you. Bartlet: I'm done being polite now. Toby: He did it because you made him mad, but you didn't know why. Bartlet: Toby, it was a complicated relationship. Can I help you? Toby: It was because you were smarter than he was. Bartlet: It was a complicated relationship. Toby: He didn't like you, sir. That's why he hit you. That's why people hit each other. He didn't like you. You were smarter than he was. Bartlet: Why are we talking about this? Toby: So maybe if you get enough votes, win one more election, maybe your father will-- Bartlet: You have stepped WAY over the line, and any other President would have your ass on the sidewalk right now. Toby: Yes, sir. Bartlet: They would've had you on the sidewalk a long time ago. I don't know what the hell goes on in a Brooklyn shrink's office, but get it the hell out of my house! Toby: Thank you Mr. President. [he leaves] Night Five Sam: 32-50 is a consolidated appropriations act that we want to drop in the U.N. speech for Monday morning. I need you to review the final legislative language so we can shop it around the Hill over the weekend. Ainsley: What does it call for? Sam: Uh, I don't know. Ainsley: Sam. Sam: It authorizes payment of nine hundred and twenty-six million in U.N. dues over three years for an exchange in the reduction of U.N. bureaucracy as well as peace-keeping assessments by the General Assembly. Ainsley: And what are we concerned about? Sam: Well, the language was drafted by Republicans. Ainsley: We're inscrutable. Sam: I just want you to look for legal landmines. Ainsley: Like what? Sam: I don't know. A ban on German food, or a hidden amendment saying how annoying the French are. Ainsley: How about this? We drop out of the UN entirely and use the 926 million to take everyone in the country out to brunch? Sam: Why don't you write that suggestion in the margins? Bartlet: I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I'll be tired and I'll lie there and it doesn't happen. Dr. Keyworth: What happened four nights ago? Bartlet: I won the Iowa Caucus. Dr. Keyworth: Anything else? Bartlet: That's not enough? Dr. Keyworth: Mr. President...If you were any other patient... Bartlet: Say what you'd say to any other patient. Dr. Keyworth: I'd say, screw around if you want, but it's your money, it's about to be my money, and I sleep fine. Bartlet: I had a conversation with one of my aides that night after we got back from Iowa. He called me on something. Dr. Keyworth: What? Bartlet: Well, I guess we talked about a lot of things: who we think the Republican challenger is gonna be, and incumbency, and campaign strategy - strategic overview, but the long and short of it is, my father never liked me, at all. [long pause]Dr. Keyworth: Well, at least we're closer to my area now. Bartlet: Yeah, I thought you'd enjoy that. Sam: [about being chastised by Celia for sexualizing Ainsley] Celia, I asked Ainsley, and she said she didn't mind at all. Plus, Charlie said he's fine with it. Celia: Charlie's a man. Charlie: Damn right. Ainsley: Sam. Sam: Yes. Ainsley: We need to be clear we're not going to take a bath when other countries can afford to take on more. Sam: Yes. Ainsley: This is important. Sam: I also think it's important to make it clear that I'm not a sexist. Charlie: And that I'm all man. Ainsley: You're Celia? Celia: Yes. Ainsley: He's not a sexist. Celia: If you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power. Ainsley: I'm sorry? Celia: I said I'm surprised you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power. Ainsley: I don't even know what that means. Celia: I think you do. Ainsley: And I think you think I'm made out of candy glass, Celia. If somebody says something that offends you, tell them. But all women don't have to think alike. Celia: I didn't say they did and when somebody said something that offended me, I did say so. Ainsley: I like it when the guys tease me. It's an inadvertent show of respect I'm on the team and I don't mind it when it gets sexual. And you know why? I like sex. Charlie: Hello. Ainsley: I don't think whatever sexuality I may have diminishes my power. I think it enhances it. Celia: And what kind of feminism do you call that? Ainsley: My kind. Bonney: It's called Lipstick Feminism. I call it Stiletto Feminism. Sam: Stilettos? Ainsley: You're not in enough trouble already? Sam: I suppose I am. Celia: Isn't the point that Sam wouldn't have been able to find another way to be chummy with a woman who wasn't sexually appealing? Ainsley: He would be able to, but that isn't the point. The point is that sexual revolution tends to get in the way of actual revolution. Nonsense issues distract attention away from real ones: pay equity, child care, honest-to-God sexual harassment, and in this case a speech in front of the U.N. General Assembly. So, you, [to Sam] 25% on the assessments for Category A. [To Charlie] You...I don't know what your thing is. [To Celia] And, you, stop trying to take the fun out of my day. With that, I'm going to get a cupcake. Sam: Well, for the moment, I'm going to do what she's telling me to do. Toby: Our goal is to proclaim American values. Andy: This speech isn't supposed to be about ideology. It's supposed to be about reality. Toby: I think the President will decide what the speech is supposed to be about, but the reality is, the United States of America no longer sucks up to reactionaries, and our staunch allies will know what we mean. Andy: We don't have any staunch allies in the Arab world; just reluctant ones. We've a coalition held together with duct tape! A coalition without which we cannot fight! Toby: Nobody's blowing off the coalition, and that coalition will be plenty strong. Andy: Oh, when we win? Toby: That's right. Andy: What's Egypt going to think? Or Pakistan? Toby: That freedom and democracy are coming soon to a theatre near them, so get dressed. Andy: Toby... you guys are on a thing right now. And I'm behind you. You know I'm behind you; a lot of House Democrats are... Toby: Not enough. Andy: And plenty of Republicans. But this one moment in time, you have to get off your horse and just... simply put - be nice to the Arab world. Toby: Be nice? Andy: Yes. Toby: Well... How about when we, instead of blowing Iraq back to the seventh century for harboring terrorists and trying to develop nuclear weapons, we just imposed economic sanctions and were reviled by the Arab world for not giving them a global charge card and a free trade treaty? How about when we pushed Israel to give up land for peace? How about when we sent American soldiers to protect Saudi Arabia, and the Arab world told us we were desecrating their holy land? We'll ignore the fact that we were invited. How about two weeks ago, in the State of the Union when the President praised the Islamic people as faithful and hardworking only to be denounced in the Arab press as knowing nothing about Islam? But none of that is the point. Andy: What's the point? Toby: I don't remember having to explain to Italians that our problem wasn't with them, but with Mussolini! Why does the U.S. have to take every Arab country out for an ice cream cone? They'll like us when we win! [long pause] Thousands of madrasas teaching children nothing, nothing, nothing but the Koran and to hate America. Who do we see about that? Do I want to preach America? Judeo-Christianity? No. If their religion forbids them from playing the trumpet, so be it. But I want those kids to... look at a globe. Be exposed to social sciences, history. Some literature. [pause] They'll like us when we win. Dr. Keyworth: They keep moving the goalpost on you, don't they? Get A's, good college, Latin honors. Get into the London School of Economics. Get a good teaching job. Ivy League school, tenure. Now you gotta publish, now you gotta go to Stockholm. Bartlet: It's not good for a person to keep setting goals? Dr. Keyworth: It probably is, but it's tricky for somebody who's still trying to get his father to stop hitting him. Bartlet: Well, I'm told that most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Dr. Keyworth: Yeah, but that's most men. That's not you. That's the other people, the ones who feel stress. You're destined for something else. Bartlet: I have abilities. Dr. Keyworth: And now you have an opportunity to use them. Bartlet: I think I have. Dr. Keyworth: That room I passed down the hall, on the left, it's got a name, right? Bartlet: I think you're talking about the Lincoln Bedroom. Dr. Keyworth: Right. This is a hell of a curve you get graded on now. Lincoln freed the slaves and won the Civil War. "Thank you. Next! And what will you be singing for us today, Mr. Bartlet?" "Well, we've had six straight quarters of economic growth." Bartlet: That's not easy. Dr. Keyworth: Okay. Bartlet: It's not easy. Dr. Keyworth: I believe you. Bartlet: I think I've made tough choices. Dr. Keyworth: I think Lincoln did what he thought was right, even though it meant losing half the country. I think you don't do what you think is right if it means losing Michigan's electoral votes. Bartlet: You don't know anything. Dr. Keyworth: I'll be the first to admit that. Bartlet: I'm not trying to get my father to like me. Dr. Keyworth: Good. 'Cause it's never, never gonna happen. Look, we're done for the night. Bartlet: What? Dr. Keyworth: We've been here for two hours. It was a double session. We're done for the night. Bartlet: Stanley, I hate to put it this way, but I'm me, and you're you, and we're done when I say we're done. Dr. Keyworth: No. [pause] I think you could use some assistance right now, sir. Use me, don't use me, but all I can offer you is this: I'll be the only person in the world, other than your family, who doesn't care that you're the President. [pause] Our time is up. Hartsfield's Landing Charlie: Where is it? C.J.: How would I know? Charlie: Where is it? C.J.: I just hope you didn't leave the building with it. Charlie: Give it up, Tiny. C.J.: [laughing] Think you're going to want to talk nicer to me than that, because when a reporter finds it, they're going to come to me, and that thing is stamped D12, and you signed out D12, and rules are rules. Charlie: Funny. C.J.: What? Charlie: I never told you it was D12. C.J.: How about that? Charlie: Look, C.J.– C.J.: [stopping by Larry and Ed] You'll find it in your filing cabinet under A for anal. Larry: I don't really wanna know what he's going to find in his filing cabinet, do you? Ed: No. Bartlet: [playing chess] Let me tell you, you're really showing me something tonight. A lot of spunk, a lot of pluck, this game isn't all about size, you know. There's a little thing called heart, and you've got it, my friend. Toby: You know what, old man? The very minute they swear in the next guy, you and I are going round and round. ... Bartlet: You think the strike against me is nobody likes the smartest kid in the class. Toby: Ooh I don't know, sir. Being the smartest kid in the class is a pretty good pitch. It's not a strike, unless you watch it as it sails by. Bartlet: I don't do that. Toby: Check. Bartlet: And I'm not a snob. Toby: I don't believe you are. Bartlet: If a guy's a good neighbor, if he puts in a day, if every once in a while he laughs, if every once in a while he thinks about somebody else, and above all else if he can find his way to compassion and-and tolerance, then he's my brother and I don't give a damn if he didn't get past fingerpainting. What I can't stomach are people who are out to convince people that the educated are soft and privileged and out to make them feel like they're less than - you know - "he may be educated, but I'm plain-spoken just like you". Especially when we know education can be the silver bullet, it can be the silver bullet Toby! For crime, poverty, unemployment, drugs, hatred- Toby: Who are you trying to convince? Bartlet: I'm saying I don't watch the pitch go by. Toby: Abbey told me this story once. She said you were at a party once where you were bending the guy's ear. You were telling him that Ellie had mastered her multiplication tables and she was in third grade reading at a fifth-grade level and she loved books and she scored two goals for her soccer team the week before, you were going on and on... And what made that story remarkable was that the party you were at was in Stockholm and the man you were talking you was King Gustav, who two hours earlier had given you the Nobel Prize in economics. [laughs] I mean, my god, you just won the Nobel Prize and all you wanted to talk about to the King of Sweden was Ellie's multiplication tables! Bartlet: [approaches to sit across from him] What's your point? Toby: You're a good father, you don't have to act like it. You're the President, you don't have to act like it. You're a good man, you don't have to act like it. You're not just folksy, you're not plain-spoken... Do not, do not, do not act like it! Bartlet: I don't want to be killed. Toby: Then make this election about smart, and not... Make it about engaged, and not. Qualified, and not. Make it about a heavyweight. You're a heavyweight. And you've been holding me up for too many rounds.[Toby lays down his king on the board to retire. Bartlet stands and turns to walk out.]Bartlet: Pick your king up. We're not done playing yet. C.J.: So, how long do you usually make people your bitch? Charlie: Depends. Sam: How does this end?[Leo knocks and walks into the office.]Leo: Sir. Bartlet: [to Sam] Like this.[Bartlet walks to Leo to read the note he brought him.]Bartlet: Turn them around. I'll make some calls and thank people. Leo: Yes, sir. Bartlet: Thank you, by the way. Leo: You, too. [leaves][Bartlet returns to Sam and hands him the piece of paper.]Sam: I'd like to try it without looking at the note. Bartlet: [sits down] Okay. Sam: China agrees to stand down the war games. Bartlet: Right. Sam: And they agree to let Taiwan test the Patriots. One Patriot. Bartlet: Yes. Sam: And we... please, I want to be right about this. We agree not to sell Taiwan the Aegis Destroyers for a period of I don't know... five years. Bartlet: Ten years, but you've got it. Sam: Sir, the Aegis... the Aegis radar technology isn't not something... I mean, what if Taiwan did fall to China? Now they have...and plus these ships cost something like $800 million apiece. Buying four of them would eat half of Taiwan's defense budget. Bartlet: And so? Sam: You never were going to sell them the destroyers. Bartlet: [shakes his head] But everybody wakes up alive in the morning and saves a little face. Sam: [amazed] I don't know how you... I don't know what the word... I don't know how you do it. Bartlet: You have a lot of help. You listen to everybody and then you call the play. [rises to his feet] Sam. You're gonna run for President one day. Don't be scared. You can do it. I believe in you. [looks at the board] Checkmate. Dead Irish Writers Abbey: Do you like these earrings? Bartlet: [without looking] I do. Abbey: You want to look at them first? Bartlet: [still not looking] Are they new? Abbey: No. Bartlet: [still not looking] You've worn them? Abbey: Yeah. Bartlet: [working a crossword puzzle] I love them. "Laissez-faire doctrine." 15 letters. Abbey: Social Darwinism. Bartlet: No, that's not the answer. See, 'cause Social Darwinism isn't a doctrine. It's a force of nature. The answer is "libertarianism." Abbey: I'm gonna be ready in two minutes. Bartlet: Take your time. Abbey: Passive-aggression is not gonna get me out the door any faster. Bartlet: Boo boo, I gave up on getting you out the door in the late 70's. Plus, it's your birthday. You're old, and you don't move around that fast. Abbey: Libertarianism has 14 letters not 15. Bartlet: I know, so I'm shading in the extra box. Abbey: And it's not my birthday. Bartlet: It's your birthday week. It's a week of festivities like Mardi Gras or Lent. Three letters. "It may be bitter." "Tea," right? Abbey: "It may be bitter?" Bartlet: Yeah. Abbey: Why "tea"? Bartlet: 'Cause "woman" doesn't fit. Abbey: "End," you idiot. "Bitter end." Lord John Marbury: Abigail. Bartlet: Now it's a party. Abbey: Oh. Yes, your lordship. Lord John Marbury: Your breasts are magnificent. Abbey: Oh. Um... thank you, John. Lord John Marbury: May I inquire, Mr. President – the first thing that attracted you to Abigail - was it her magnificent breasts? Abbey: It was. Bartlet: You know John, there are places in the world where it might be considered rude to talk about the physical attributes of another man's wife. Lord John Marbury: My god. Really? Bartlet: Yeah. Abbey: Amy. Amy: Yes, ma'am? Abbey: C.J. and I are gonna get drunk. Come on. Amy: Yes, ma'am. Josh: You're going? Amy: The First Lady just asked me to get boozy with her. You don't think I want to write a book one day? Sam: I need you to tell me everything you can tell me about the Superconducting Super Collider. Professor Milgate: How much time do we have? Sam: About ten minutes. Professor Milgate: If you pay very close attention, stay very, very quiet – I can teach you how to spell it. Senator Enlow: If we could only say what benefit this thing has. No one’s been able to do that... Professor Milgate: That’s because great achievement has no road map. Well, the X-ray’s pretty good. So is penicillin. Neither were discovered with a practical objective in mind. I mean, when the electron was discovered in 1897, it was useless. Now we have an entire world run by electronics. Haydn and Mozart never studied the classics. They couldn’t—they invented them. Sam: Discovery Professor Milgate: What? Sam: Discovery is what—that's what this is used for. It's for discovery. The U.S. Poet Laureate Sam: [after Bartlet's slight on Ritchie's intelligence] We're focusing on energy independence this week. C.J.: No, we're focusing on this this week. I can try a non-apology apology. Josh: Try it. C.J.: "The President didn't realize that the camera was hot and he said something he shouldn't have, as we all do from time to time." Josh: Nice. Sam: Yeah. It's a head-fake towards contrition. Josh: And we hold our heads high. All right. Sam: Good. We'll see how it goes. Josh: Why do you think this one's so hard to spin? C.J.: 'Cause it's the classic Washington scandal. We screwed up by telling the truth. Josh: All right. Let's try not to do that too much. Tabatha Fortis: Nice office. Toby: Exactly sixty-three feet from the Oval Office. If you don't think we measure, you're out of your mind. Josh: [about his fan website] C.J., it's a... crazy place. It's got this dictatorial leader, who I'm sure wears a muumuu and chain smokes Parliaments. C.J.: What did you go there for in the first place? Josh: It's called LemonLyman.com. C.J.: Let me explain something to you. This is sort of my field. The people on these sites? They're the cast of One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. The muu-muu-wearing Parliament smoker? That's Nurse Ratched. When Nurse Ratched is unhappy, the patients are unhappy. You? You're McMurphy. You swoop in with your card games and fishing trips - Josh: I didn't swoop in, I came in the exact same way everyone else did. C.J.: Well, now I'm telling you to open the wardroom window and climb on out before they give you a pre-frontal lobotomy and I have to smother you with a pillow. Josh: [pause] You're...? C.J.: [nodding] I'm Chief Bromden, yes, at this particular moment. I'm assigning an intern from the press office to that website. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you've been there I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass - What?Josh: Technically, I outrank you... C.J.: So far up your ass! Josh: Okay. C.J.: Okay. Tabatha Fortis: [to Toby] You think I think that an artist's job is to speak the truth. An artist's job is to captivate you for however long we've asked for your attention. If we stumble into truth, we got lucky, and I don't get to decide what truth is. Bartlet: I've been meaning to tell you, you've done really well this week with the open-mike thing. C.J.: Thank you. Bartlet: Didn't turn out too bad. C.J.: No sir, it didn't turn out too bad at all. In fact, the whole country's talking about whether Ritchie's smart enough to be President. And you didn't take a hit, 'cause it was an accident. You know, it occurs to me that even your choice of language was interesting. "A .22 caliber mind, in a .357 magnum world." That's unusual for you, a gun metaphor. Toby mentioned to me that when each interview was over, all the interviewers wanted to talk to you about was Ritchie, and you took a pass each time. Until Philadelphia.[Bartlet slowly looks up at her.]C.J.: Mr. President, is it possible you saw that the green light was on? ... C.J.: [smiles] That was Old School. Stirred Donna: I shall do those things. Josh: You shall? Donna: I shall... and I'll tell you what I'd like in exchange. Josh: How about a weekly salary of some kind? Donna: Yes, plus a favor. Bartlet: I love doing this. Charlie: Really? Bartlet: Yeah. Charlie: Filing tax returns? Bartlet: Yeah. Charlie: Okay... Bartlet: What? Charlie: I was just thinking about the plurality of Americans who made the decision to pull a lever that had your name next to it. Bartlet: Suckers. Bartlet: Can I tell you what's messed up about James Bond? Charlie: Nothing. Bartlet: Shaken, not stirred will get you cold water with a dash of gin and dry vermouth. The reason you stir it with a special spoon is so not to chip the ice. James is ordering a weak martini and being snooty about it. Charlie: They're saying I owe the federal government money? Bartlet: And you don't even need a stamp. Hand it over. Charlie: There's a mistake. Bartlet: Whatever. Hand it over. Donna: [on the phone to her former teacher] Sally Seidelman told me you were retiring. Mrs. Morello: At the end of this year. Donna: Well, I... I just wanted to say. I don't know, I just... I just wanted to say... I don't know. Mrs. Morello: Are--Are you sure everything's all right? Bartlet: [whispering] Tell her where you are. Donna: Mrs. Morello, I am standing in the Oval Office with the President of the United States and it is because of you. [silence] Mrs. Morello? Mrs. Morello: What a thing to say. Well, we're all very proud of you, Donna. Bartlet: She didn't do anything. Mrs. Morello: Was that...? Bartlet: It's Jed Bartlet, Mrs. Morello. I've got a few questions. When you taught Beowulf, did you make the kids read it in the original Middle English or did you use a translation? Mrs. Morello: We used a translation, Mr. President. Bartlet: Okay. We're going to call that the James Bond version. Enemies Foreign and Domestic C.J.: [about the treatment of women in Saudi Arabia] Outraged? I'm barely surprised. This is a country where women aren't allowed to drive a car. They're not allowed to be in the company of any man other than a close relative. They're required to adhere to a dress code that would make a Maryknoll nun look like Malibu Barbie. They beheaded a hundred and twenty-one people last year for robbery, rape, and drug trafficking. They have no free press, no elected government, no political parties. And the Royal Family allows the Religious Police to travel in groups of six carrying nightsticks and they freely and publicly beat women. But 'Brutus is an honorable man.' Seventeen schoolgirls were forced to burn alive because they weren't wearing the proper clothing. Am I outraged? No, Steve; no, Mark; no, Chris: that is Saudi Arabia, our partners in peace. Sam: [negotiating a meeting with the Russian president] It's a coincidence that you should happen to mention the time of the meeting. See, President Chigorin only has to fly through one time zone. President Bartlet has to fly through seven. Don't get me wrong, this President can do three shows a night, but there's no one in the Western Hemisphere who has a worse reaction to jetlag than he does. Any trip 8 hours or longer and someone gets fired at the end of it, and it's already been me three times, so... Nikolai: We'll pass it on. Sam: I think everyone on the White House staff would agree when I say that one is a deal-breaker. Nikolai: It is freezing too cold in Reykjavík. It is freezing too cold in Helsinki. It is freezing too cold in Gstaad. Why must every American President bound out of an automobile like as at a yacht club, while in com... George: Comparison. Nikolai: Comparison, our leader looks like... I don't even know what word is. Sam: Frumpy? Nikolai: I don't know what "frumpy" is, but onomatopoetically, sounds right. ... Sam: It's hard not to like a guy who doesn't know 'frumpy,' but knows 'onomatopoeia.' Admiral Fitzwallace: Mr. President. Bartlet: Fitz! Fitz, you old polecat, you old so-and-so. Admiral Fitzwallace: Trying to be "one of the fellas," sir? Bartlet: Yeah. Admiral Fitzwallace: Well, well done, sir. C.J.: [walking into the Oval Office] Good morning, Mr. President. Bartlet: You're gonna get Secret Service protection, but I can't order it unless you sign this piece of paper, so sign this piece of paper. C.J. Sir, can I ask why you feel it's necessary... Bartlet: Because Ron says it is, and around here we do whatever Ron says. C.J.: Well, I think it might be an over-reaction. Bartlet: Good for you. With all your years of training and experience in sniffing out crime, your opinion really carries a lot of weight with me. C.J.: I don't want to appear fragile. Bartlet: Are you kidding? C.J.: Sir... Bartlet: We're talking about one bodyguard. I have twelve, and that's before I leave the house. You ever count the number of guns that come along with me when Abbey and I take in a play at the Kennedy Center? Do I seem fragile to you? C.J.: No, sir. Bartlet: Then... C.J.: You're also not a woman in a man's job. To say nothing of the fact that you're required by law to be protected by the Treasury Department. You don't have a choice. And frankly, sir, you and I both know that you score points frequently with the public and with the press by shrugging off your Secret Service and doing whatever... going to a book store. Bartlet: I don't care. C.J.: Sir... Bartlet: I don't care! You're part of my family, and this thing is happening and I simply won't permit it. Sign the piece of paper. The Black Vera Wang Sam: [holding up an envelope] What's this? Ginger: I don't know. It's marked "personal." Sam: You don't know who sent it? Ginger: There's no return address. Sam: Think it's porn? Ginger: I don't know. Sam: 'Cause I'm pretty tired, but if it's porn—I mean really good porn—by the way if my innocent joking's making you uncomfortable in any way— Ginger: No, I'm hoping it's porn. Bruno: This isn't bad, Sam. Let me show you bad. [they walk out to where all the TVs are running the ad]Sam: Oh, God. Bruno: It's on free media. Everywhere. All day, all night, for free. You got played, Sam. And you forgot that all warfare is based on deception. C.J.: There's no way you're letting me walk out the door, so what is it we're doing? Simon: I'm sorry? C.J.: What's your plan for me? Simon: I don't have a plan. C.J.: Are you gonna let me drive myself home? Simon: No. [holding up something] I've got your spark plug. Is that what you meant? C.J.: You've got my spark plug? Simon: And your battery. Fuel pump, starter relay, timing belt, the ignition fuse. And well also the engine, I guess. C.J.: Did you leave me anything? Simon: Wiper fluid. You can clean your windshield. No, actually, you need the battery. C.J.: Anything else, Agent Sunshine? Simon: It's Special Agent Sunshine, but that couldn't matter less. Bartlet: I'm not going to the bunker. There are going to be people who aren't going to the bunker, and when I get out I'm not going to be able to tell them what to do anymore and I like doing that. Let's get Abbey to New Hampshire but I'm not going to the bunker. And if you say I have to, I'm walking across the alley with the Chief Justice and I'm handing John Hoynes my resignation. And as soon as he's sworn in I'm telling him to appoint me his Vice President because I'm not going to the bunker. If the agents come, the agents come, but tell Ron he'd better bring more than a couple of guys. We Killed Yamamoto Leo: I know it was a screw-up, but I loved how he stormed into it, full speed, bam, like there's now a Sam Seaborn-shaped hole in the wall. Leo: We spent millions of dollars developing a pen for the astronauts that would work in zero gravity. Know what the Russians did? Toby: Used a pencil? Leo: They used a pencil. Bartlet: [about replacing Mrs. Landingham] So it's been a year. Why don't you organize the search, you know for a new Executive Secretary. Charlie: Yes, sir. Absolutely. Bartlet: I may not like the first couple of candidates. It may take a while. Charlie: No, I don't imagine you're going to hire somebody sir, but this is a step in the right direction. Donna: Eliminating the term 'north' from North Dakota is an important state issue and the President feels it should be resolved on a state level. While the President is sympathetic towards the cause and understands the large economics ramifications of this name change, he feels the issue is not yet ripe for national attention. The President wishes you well on your endeavors and thanks you for your support. Man: Uh, Miss Moss? Are you aware that studies clearly show the word 'north' leaves the impression that this state is cold, snowy and flat, significantly depressing tourism and business startup. Donna: With due respect, sir, your average temperature is 7 degrees. Your average snowfall: 42 inches, and a name change isn't going to take care of that. Woman: We enjoy roughly the same climate as South Dakota. We took in 73.7 million in tourism revenue last year. They took in 1.2 billion. They have the word 'south'. Donna: Also Mount Rushmore. Admiral Fitzwallace: I don't know who the world's leading expert on warfare is, but any list of the top has got to include me and I can't tell when it's peacetime and wartime anymore. Leo: Look, international law has always recognized certain protected persons who you couldn't attack. It's been this way since the Romans. Admiral Fitzwallace: In peacetime. Leo: Yes. Admiral Fitzwallace: The Battle of Agincourt...this was the French fighting against the British archers. This was like a polo match. The battles were observed by heralds, and they picked the winners. And if a soldier laid down his arms, he was treated humanely... Leo: Yeah. Admiral Fitzwallace: And the international laws you're talking about...this is where a lot of them were written, at a time and in a place where a person could tell between peacetime and wartime. The idea of targeting one person was ridiculous. It wouldn't have occurred to the French to try to kill William Pitt. That all changed after Pearl Harbor– Leo: I don't like where this conversation's going...In the Situation Room, Fitz... Admiral Fitzwallace: We killed Yamamoto. We shot down his plane. Leo: We declared war... Admiral Fitzwallace: If Dietrich Bonhoeffer had been successful... Leo: ...and the plot to kill Hitler was an internal rebellion. Admiral Fitzwallace: ...there would have been statues built of an assassin. We'd've had to explain that to our kids! Leo: I'm going to get back to the office. Admiral Fitzwallace: We measure the success of a mission by two things: was it successful and how few civilians did we hurt. They measure success by how many. Pregnant women are delivering bombs! You're talking to me about international laws? The laws of nature don't even apply here! I've been a soldier for thirty-eight years, and I've found an enemy I can kill. He can't cancel Shareef's trip, Leo. You've got to tell him, he can't cancel it. Posse Comitatus Bartlet: Is this a joke? If it's a joke, it's both funny and well-executed, but I think you and I both know that it's not. I send you out to replace Delores Landingham, and that's what you came home with? Charlie: Was she...? Bartlet: She was an alpaca farmer who needed two tries to get her own name. Charlie: Well, sir, maybe... Bartlet: Don't worry about it. I'm gonna get the Personnel Office on it. I got to go change for New York.[Charlie walks out]Charlie: Okay. Okay, that was my fault. I didn't properly prepare you for the meeting. That was bad staff work. Before your next job interview with the President, I'm gonna remind you that you probably don't want to be stoned. Debbie: There's gonna be a second interview? Charlie: There's gonna be as many as it takes. We're gonna get this right. Debbie: Well, let me back you up a second. Have we done the first one yet? Charlie: I'm calling a cab now. Debbie: Okay. Toby: He's [Gov. Ritchie] at the Yankee game right now? Sam: Local news covered it. He said that this was how ordinary Americans got their entertainment. Toby: I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not a single person there who's ordinary. Sam: I know. Toby: You making fun of the Yankees? Sam: Uh...no... Toby: Now? Sam: I'm not. Toby: They went to the Yankee game. Sam: He's coming at intermission. Toby: Well, I'm not sure that suits me. Sam: I know what you mean. Toby: Making an entrance after the President. That's just not how we play bridge. It's not how we say cricket. Sam: Okay, but you're starting to freak me out a little bit. Toby: Just talk to me a minute. Sam: How many people are at the game? Toby: It's a good game. About 40,000 probably. Sam: There was an incumbent President, who was facing a primary challenge, and on the day of the primary, his staff sent his motorcade into a district that was heavily favored by his opponent in order to tie up traffic. Now I would like it plain that I would never do anything to tamper with an election, but...[Toby pats Sam's cheek a few times and squishes his mouth.]Toby: I am so... proud of you. Sam: You're really very much freaking me out. Bartlet: What's going on? Charlie: Nothing, sir. [pause] I'll be arranging a second meeting with Deborah Fiderer when we get back to town. Bartlet: From this afternoon? Charlie: Yes, sir. Bartlet: Are you pledging a fraternity or something, 'cause this would be a good one. Charlie: Sir? Bartlet: What's with you and this woman? Charlie: She hired me. That's why she was fired.[Bartlet nods]Bartlet: Civilians get trials. Leo: I'd argue he's not a civilian. So would the Attorney General. Bartlet: They're gonna find out it's us. We could make it look like the plane went down, but they're gonna find out it's us, and I'm gonna be running for reelection while I'm fighting a war against Qumar. Leo: That's why you want to say no? Bartlet: I want him tried. Leo: That can't happen. Bartlet: I understand. Leo: I was talking this morning about how Mallory names all the lobsters in the tank. Bartlet: Yeah. Leo: Would it be helpful if I brought you a list of names of Shareef's victims? Bartlet: What do you want from me? Leo: Who was the monk who wrote, "I always don't know the right thing to do, Lord, but I think the fact that I want to please you pleases you." [beat] You have two minutes, sir. Bartlet: This isn't a matter of religion. Leo: Yes, sir. Bartlet: I recognize that there's evil in the world. Leo: What is your objection exactly, sir? Bartlet: Doesn't this mean we join the league of ordinary nations? Leo: That's your objection? I'm not gonna have trouble saying the Pledge of Allegiance tomorrow. Bartlet: That's not my objection. Leo: Sir... Bartlet: It's just wrong. It's absolutely wrong. Leo: I know, but you have to do it anyway. Bartlet: Why? Leo: 'Cause you won.[Bartlet pauses]Bartlet: Take him. Gov. Ritchie: You enjoying the play? Bartlet: I am. How about you? Gov. Ritchie: We just got here. We were at the Yankee game. We were, you know, hung up in traffic. Bartlet: Yeah, I know. Listen, politics aside, and I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but you probably insulted the church, and you can head it off at the pass if you speak to the Cardinal tonight. Gov. Ritchie: Well, I didn't mean to insult anybody. Bartlet: No. Gov. Ritchie: And it's a baseball game. It's how ordinary Americans... Bartlet: Yeah. [beat] No, I don't understand that. The center fielder for the Yankees is an accomplished classical guitarist. People who like baseball can't like books? Gov. Ritchie: Are you taking this personally? Bartlet: No. Something horrible happened about an hour ago. C.J. Cregg was getting threats so we put an agent on her. He's a good guy. He was on my detail for a while, and he was in Rosslyn. He walked in the middle of an armed robbery, and was shot and killed after detaining one of the suspects. Gov. Ritchie: Oh. Crime...Boy, I don't know. Bartlet: [nods, sighs] We should have a great debate, Rob. We owe it to everyone. When I was running as a governor, I didn't know anything. I made them start Bartlet College in my dining room. Two hours every morning on foreign affairs and the military. You can do that. Gov. Ritchie: How many different ways you think you're gonna find to call me dumb? Bartlet: I wasn't, Rob. But you've turned being un-engaged into a Zen-like thing, and you shouldn't enjoy it so much is all. And if it appears at times as if I don't like you, that's the reason why. Gov. Ritchie: You're what my friends call a superior sumbitch. You're an academic elitist and a snob. You're, uh, Hollywood, you're weak, you're liberal, and you can't be trusted. And if it appears from time to time as if I don't like you, well, those are just a few of the many reasons why.[Music begins in the theater]Bartlet: They're playing my song. [stands and walks away, then turns back] In the future, if you're wondering, "Crime. Boy, I don't know" is when I decided to kick your ass. Season Four 20 Hours in America, Part I Bartlet: There's a guy down here holding a sign that says, "Eight more years." Don't get me wrong, I like your thinking, but I've probably tested the Constitution about as far as Abbey's going to allow me to for a little while. [Crowd cheers and applauds.] You know the story about the guy whose car gets stuck in a muddy hole? A farmer comes along and says he'll pull the car out of the mud but he's going to have to charge 50 bucks 'cause this is the tenth time he's had to pull one out of the mud today. The driver says, "God, when do you have time to plow your land, at night?" The farmer says, "No, no. Nighttime is when I fill the hole with water." [Crowd laughs.] We need to find energy alternatives. We're getting our cue. We're getting it right now. The Republicans are busy. They're trying to convince us that they care about new energy and that they're not in the vest pockets of big oil, and that's a tough sell. I don't envy them, 'cause their only hope is that we don't notice that they're the ones who are filling the hole with water every night, and I think Americans are smarter than that. I think we noticed. C.J: We've got a new addition to our running list of things Robert Ritchie's not. Speaking this morning at the Philadelphia Financial Council the Governor said, "I'm no scientist, but I know a thing or two about physics." So, for the week, you can add "scientist" to "doctor," "mind reader," and "Chinese." Sam: [on his answering machine] Hi, it's Sam. I'm going to sleep now for a little bit, but if you really need me just yell really loud and I'll probably wake up. Josh: SAM!!! Donna: Excuse me. I'm so sorry to interrupt in what obviously is a private moment between the two of you and your... two friends. We came in this morning... Girl 2: We know who you are. We're not rednecks. Donna: Okay. Well, I'm Donna Moss and this is my boss. Josh: Josh Lyman. Toby: Toby Ziegler. Donna: Anyway, we're very crunched for time and we think that you... Toby: I work at the White House. Girl 1: Wow. Humongous whoop. Josh: Come on! He's Communications Director. It's a decent sized whoop. Girl 2: How many unborn babies did you guys kill today? Josh: Whoa, hey. Danger, Will Robinson. Tyler, no fooling around. We've got 15 minutes to get to a plane that is 3 miles from here. That plane-- I swear to God-- is taking off at 1:00. Tyler: It's taking off at 1:00? Josh: Yes, it is. Kiki: Are you guys stupid or something? It's 1:45 right now. Josh: It's 12:45. Kiki: No, not here it's not. Donna: Oh, my God, she's right. Tyler: See, we crossed over from Unionville to Dearborn County which doesn't observe Daylight saving time. Kiki: I think it's the other way around, genius. Tyler: What did I ever do to you? Donna: It says on the schedule, "All times are local." This is why I couldn't get anyone on their cell. Josh: Wait. Wait. No. No. You're not... We changed time zones? We changed time... We changed time zones?! Tyler: It's a-a common mistake. Josh: Not for the U.S. government! Toby: What kind of schmuck-ass system could this possibly... Josh: That's good! That's perfect! Toby: How did...? I don't understand. Josh: Perfect. Just the break I'm looking for. Toby: What do...? What do...? People, they just... They reset their watches when they commute? Josh: I can't take working here. Toby: They just change their watches every time they cross a time zone? What is this, a joke?! Josh: Serving my country. Donna: Okay, this is a whole new thing now. My guys are going to need to walk this off a bit before they can regroup. Kiki, you and your friends get back to school. Tyler, you and I are going to come up with a plan to get us to a commercial airport. Sam: Do we have some sort of condensed... Reader's Digest index... of, well... all human knowledge? Ginger: We usually just use Margaret. 20 Hours in America, Part II McNally: Leo. Yeoman Fitzwallace. Admiral Fitzwallace: Dr. McNally. McNally: Let's attack. Admiral Fitzwallace: Who? McNally: Qumar. Let's recommend to the President that we attack. Leo: Why? McNally: 'Cause I've had it. Admiral Fitzwallace: I don't think the UN is going to let us do it for that reason. McNally: That's 'cause you're a sissy. You want peace in the Middle East? Give me a pair of third generation ICBMs and a compass. You get B-2 Spirit stealth bombers over Qumar right now, as if the Qumari Air Defense System requires stealth capability. Just fly in at night, and while you're at it, could you order the USS Louisiana to fire off a D5 Trident just to see if it works? What's the worst that could happen? Admiral Fitzwallace: [to Leo, bewildered] Is she talking to me? McNally: Yes! Admiral Fitzwallace: Well, 98% of all living organisms within a seven mile radius would die instantly in a torrent of fire. McNally: Admiral Sissymary... We're running out of options on the menu. Bartlet: ...restoring abundance amid an economic shortfall, securing peace in a time of global conflict, sustaining hope in this winter of anxiety and fear. More than any time in recent history, America's destiny is not of our own choosing. We did not seek nor did we provoke an assault on our freedom and our way of life. We did not expect nor did we invite a confrontation with evil. Yet the true measure of a people's strength is how they rise to master that moment when it does arrive. Forty-four people were killed a couple of hours ago at Kennison State University. Three swimmers from the men's team were killed and two others are in critical condition, when, after having heard the explosion from their practice facility, they ran into the fire to help get people out. Ran into the fire. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight. They're our students and our teachers and our parents and our friends. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels, but every time we think we have measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that capacity may well be limitless. This is a time for American heroes. We will do what is hard. We will achieve what is great. This is a time for American heroes and we reach for the stars. God bless their memory, God bless you and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Bruno: When did you write that last part? Sam: In the car. Bruno: Freak. Josh: Campaigns aren't about the candidates. Toby: No? Josh: They're about the voters. How-how are we going to create jobs? how-how are we going to get healthcare? How are we going to make the lights go on? How are we going to protect ourselves? Toby: Don't you want to ask if the plumber knows which directions the pipes run? Don't you...? Forget the plumber. Don't... [sighs]... we want leadership to sound and feel like, instead of appealing to our-our least expensive, however legitimate, desire to feel good about ourselves? Don't we want...? Donna: All right, that's it. I can't take it. Toby: He started it. Donna: I am not kidding. I have such an impulse to knock your heads together. I can't remember the last time I heard you two talk about anything other than how a campaign was playing in Washington. Cathy needed to take a second job so her dad could be covered by her insurance. She tried to tell you how bad things were for family farmers. You told her we already lost Indiana. You made fun of the fair but you didn't see they have livestock exhibitions and give prizes for the biggest tomato and the best heirloom apple. They're proud of what they grow. Eight modes of transportation, the kindness of six strangers, random conversations with twelve more, and nobody brought up Bartlet versus Ritchie but you. I'm writing letters, on your behalf to the parents of the kids who were killed today. Can I have the table, please?[Josh and Toby stand]Matt Kelley: Flight's delayed? Toby: Yeah. Matt Kelley: Me, too. I'm going to St. Louis. Toby: Washington. Matt Kelley: I'm with my daughter. She's up, uh, stairs in the room, but we were out here looking at Notre Dame. Toby: Yeah. Matt Kelley: You got kids? Toby: No. Matt Kelley: Wait till you take your oldest to look at colleges. It's an incredible feeling. You wish they'd go to college across the street from your house, but you know... Toby: Yeah. [to the bartender] A Jack Daniels, rocks. Bartender: Yeah. Toby: My boss went to Notre Dame. Matt Kelley: Beautiful campus. I've never seen anything like it. She-she's not going to get to sleep tonight. [pause] You see what happened in the market today? Toby: Yeah, I-I saw. You invested? Matt Kelley: Ehh... Mutual fund that's supposed to send her to college. I never imagined at $55,000 a year, I'd have trouble making ends meet. And my wife brings in another 25. My son's in public school. It's no good. I mean, there's 37 kids in the class, uh, no art and music, no advanced placement classes. Other kids, their mother has to make them practice the piano. You can't pull my son away from the piano. He needs teachers. I spend half the day thinking about what happens if I slip and fall down on my own front porch, you know? It should be hard. I like that it's hard. Putting your daughter through college, that's-that's a man's job. A man's accomplishment. But it should be a little easier. Just a little easier. 'Cause in that difference is... everything. [pause] I'm sorry. I'm, uh, I-I'm Matt Kelley. Toby: I'm Toby Ziegler. I work at the White House. Have a minute to talk? We'd, uh... like to buy you a beer. Toby: If our job teaches us anything, it's that we don't know what the next President's gonna face. And if we choose someone with vision, someone with guts, someone with gravitas, who's connected to other people's lives, and cares about making them better... if we choose someone to inspire us, then we'll be able to face what comes our way and achieve things... we can't imagine yet. Instead of telling people who's the most qualified, instead of telling people who's got the better ideas, let's make it obvious. It's going to be hard. Josh: Then we'll do what's hard. College Kids Bartlet: Listen, I know we're here for a serious purpose, for a sober purpose, but I wanted to say I've never been a part of a street gang before, and that's basically what we are – a pretty well-financed one – but anyway, I wanted to say it feels good, and I think when we're done with this meeting, I think we should go out and get girls, and I don't know, maybe knock over a fruit stand or something. Debbie: At my last job, the background check wasn't nearly as extensive... Sam: You have a button on your phone, a crash button. Debbie: Hmm? Sam: You have a crash button which will bring the Secret Service in instantly and turn your office into a live microphone which will be broadcast all over the building. It's the button you push if someone's trying to take the Oval Office. This isn't your last job. Bartlet: ...'Joy cometh in the morning,' scripture tells us. I hope so. I don't know if life would be worth living if it didn't. And I don't yet know who set off the bomb at Kennison State. I don't know if it's one person or ten, and I don't know what they want. All I know for sure, all I know for certain, is that they weren't born wanting to do this. There's evil in the world, there'll always be, and we can't do anything about that. But there's violence in our schools, too much mayhem in our culture, and we can do something about that. There's not enough character, discipline, and depth in our classrooms; there aren't enough teachers in our classrooms. There isn't nearly enough, not nearly enough, not nearly enough money in our classrooms, and we can do something about that. We're not doing nearly enough, not nearly enough to teach our children well, and we can do better, and we must do better, and we will do better, and we will start this moment today! They weren't born wanting to do this. Jordan: All I meant by 'cloak and dagger' is that I'm not cut out for the security meetings and the secret this and the back channel ambassadors. It's like you're in the Mafia. Leo: Well, it may be like I'm in the Mafia, but I'm not. I work for the good guys. Jordan: It was one sentence. The problem was that you were never at the other end of the phone. Leo: That's an entirely different kettle of beans and we can have that discussion, but history has shown if you just wait and tell it to a divorce lawyer you can have half of my stuff. Jordan: I don't want your stuff. Leo: You don't know; some of it's good stuff. Josh: [to Sam] Would you tell him he doesn't have to worry about the district court? Sam: I told him. [to Bruno] They're not going to rule for Sullivan. Josh: He's worried 'cause it's Wengland. Sam: He's not that crazy. Bruno: I'll tell you, I'm not that comfortable with a federal judge being even a little bit crazy. The Red Mass Toby: When we mention that we want five debates, say what they are. One on the economy, one on foreign policy, with another on global threats and national security, one on the environment, and one on strengthening family life, which would include health care, education, and retirement. I also think there should be one on parts of speech and sentence structure, and one on fractions. C.J.: Is there any chance I'm going to get an opportunity to speak in this conversation, or are you just writing out loud? Toby: I didn't even know you were in the room. C.J.: Toby, I'm absolutely terrified we're going to lose the expectations game. I can't believe how many times I get asked what would be a win in the debates. At this point I feel like if - and only if - Ritchie accidentally lights his podium on fire does the President have a fighting chance. Toby: I disagree. C.J.: Disagree all you want, but I'm right. Toby: These two men are going to be side by side on the stage, answering questions. That's the ball game. C.J.: If the whole thing is, he can't tie his shoelaces and it turns out he can, then that is the ball game. Toby: And I believe he'll have to do more than tie his shoelaces. C.J.: Not much more. Charlie: Can you make a run to the staff secretary's office? Ella's not there, but someone should be. Make sure you just take what needs to be signed today. They're gonna try to give you a whole stack, and right there's where you become a man. Emily: Should I use sex as a tactic? Charlie: If you need to. Hell, even if you just want to. Bartlet: Mike, pick yourself out a daughter. My oldest is married, but I can have it annulled. The Pope said he'd do it, I swear to God. Casper: That's very friendly of you, sir. Thank you. Bartlet: It's not even the number of debates, as much as the format. Two-minute response followed by a one-minute reply. That's not a debate. That's not a debate! It's a joint press conference. C.J.: What is really the difference between one debate and two debates? Toby: "What's the diff–"! It's a whole other debate! It's a second debate! It's 100% more debate! C.J.: "Someone should ask him if he's aware taxpayers pay $9,000 this instead of $200,000 that. And somebody should ask him what he means by, and somebody should ask him how he plans on..." You said that, and you were right! Toby: What if he has a bad night? It's happened. What if he gets himself into trouble? What if Ritchie comes after Abbey or the kids and the President goes postal? That's what I'd try to do. Stress, hot lights... What if he has an episode? C.J.: We lose. When you can't lower expectations, you only have one thing you can do. You have to meet them. Debate Camp Bartlet: [to Leo] Honey, if we're going to have this fight, can we not do it in front of the Joint Chiefs? It just scares the hell out of them. Toby: A couple of things. I need you to look at a couple of answers on defense readiness. I need concrete examples of waste in Pentagon procurement. We need two more members of the IRC for post spin. I need you to fill out this marriage license and paperwork for a joint checking account and review this 60-second answer on Rwanda. Andy: Okay, okay, okay and um, under no circumstances, and sure. Toby: See, by my count, you said under no circumstances to the IRC post spin and sure... Andy: I said under no circumstances to marrying you again. Toby: May I ask why? Andy: I have the unique experience of having done it once before. Sam: What's going on with you and Andy? Toby: Nothing. Sam: I think you're wrong. Toby: I'm not. Sam: I think you're getting back together. Toby: We're not. Sam: But you want to. Toby: Yes. Sam: I think... Wait. What? Toby: See, sometimes if I slam on the brakes, you run right past. Josh: Okay, fill us in on everything you've got so far between the two of you. Toby: Yeah, that's what's going to happen right now. Mrs. Landingham: We're choosing pictures from the collection at the National Gallery. Bartlet: They'll loan stuff? Mrs. Landingham: Anything you want in the National Gallery or the whole Smithsonian. Bartlet: Really? Mrs. Landingham: Yeah. Bartlet: I want Apollo 11. Mrs. Landingham: Well, you can't have that. Bartlet: Then don't bother me. Charlie: Josh and Sam talked to me. I'm on board. Toby: With what? Charlie: Team Toby. Toby: See, I lent voice to thought and that was my mistake. Charlie: If you want to marry Andy, then, damn it, so do I... Toby: Okay. Charlie: ...want that, you know, to happen to you. Toby: I get it. Charlie: Do you? Because this is about love. Toby: I think you have a different motivation. Charlie: Laughs? Toby: Yes. Charlie: Sure, but also as much love, really, as I think either one of us are comfortable with. Game On Bartlet: Ten words. Ten words. Josh: We don't have them yet, Mr. President. Bartlet: All right, let's do a drill. C.J.: Mr. President, despite a rise in tension around the globe, you've held up funding for a missile defense shield. Bartlet: Too much money for too little protection. All: Good. Bartlet: Next. Josh: Sir, you oppose a voucher system that would offer children a choice of better schools... Bartlet: That would offer some children a choice of better schools, but I haven't given up the ghost on better schools for everybody, and vouchers drain money from that goal. Toby: Mr. President, this next question is on capital punishment, which you oppose: If your youngest daughter Zoey was raped and murdered, would you not want to see the man responsible put to death? Bartlet: First of all, it's important to understand the President doesn't make that decision, though he appoints the Supreme Court Justices who do so. What... any... um... All right, I'm not going to say that. I'll just go right to... No, I don't. I think you know that I'm opposed.... [sighs] Let's not do that. I haven't seen any evidence that it's a deterrent, and there are more effective... In my state... Toby: Oh, my God. Bartlet: What? Toby: [to Leo] You weren't kidding. [to Bartlet] What's the matter with you? When I left you... I just mentioned your daughter being murdered, and you're giving us an answer that's not only soporific, it's barely human! Yes, you'd want to see him put to death. You'd want it to be cruel and unusual, which is why it's probably a good idea that fathers of murder victims don't have legal rights in these situations. Now, we're going back to school.[There is a long pause of silence, then they all begin to laugh.]Bartlet: Let's go-- ten bucks. Crisis of confidence. [to Leo] You did one square foot of real estate. Leo: Yes, I did. Bartlet: Ten bucks for you. [to Toby] And you-- You big bear, come to me. I'm going to kiss you right on the mouth. C.J.: Ten bucks. Leo: Anything else, sir? Bartlet: Work hard. All: Thank you, sir.[They walk out of the Oval Office]Josh: [to Sam] Have a safe flight. Sam: I'll see you in San Diego. Josh: [to Toby] Sorry about that. It was the President's idea. He bet us you couldn't stay quiet if he gave a bad answer. What? Toby: He's ready. Josh: Ten words: "I will make America's defenses the strongest in the history of the world." Leo: "In the history of the world?" When we say that, are we comparing ourselves to the Visigoths, adjusted for inflation? Gov. Ritchie: My view of this is simple: we don't need a Federal Department of Education telling us our children have to learn Esperanto, they have to learn Eskimo poetry. Let the states decide, let the communities decide on health care, on education, on lower taxes, not higher taxes. Now, he's going to throw a big word at you - "unfunded mandate." He's going to say if Washington lets the states do it, it's an unfunded mandate. But what he doesn't like is the federal government losing power. But I call it the ingenuity of the American people. Moderator: President Bartlet, you have 60 seconds for a question and an answer. Bartlet: Well, first of all, let's clear up a couple of things. "Unfunded mandate" is two words, not one big word. There are times when we're fifty states and there are times when we're one country, and have national needs. And the way I know this is that Florida didn't fight Germany in World War II or establish civil rights. You think states should do the governing wall-to-wall. That's a perfectly valid opinion. But your state of Florida got $12.6 billion in federal money last year - from Nebraskans, and Virginians, and New Yorkers, and Alaskans, with their Eskimo poetry. 12.6 out of a state budget of $50 billion. Now, I'm supposed to be using this time for a question, so here it is: Can we have it back, please? Josh: Game on! Gov. Ritchie: Now, I want people to work together in this great country, and that's what I did in Florida—I brought people together—and that's what I'll do as your President. End the logjam, end the gridlock, and bring Republicans together with Democrats, 'cause Americans are tired of partisan politics. Bartlet: Actually, what you've done in Florida is bring the right together with the far right. And I don't think Americans are tired of partisan politics; I think they're tired of hearing career politicians diss partisan politics to get a gig. I've tried it before. They ain't buying it. That's okay, though...that's okay, though, 'cause partisan politics is good. Partisan politics is what the Founders had in mind. It guarantees that the minority opinion is heard, and as a lifelong possessor of minority opinions, I appreciate it. But if you're troubled by it, Governor, you should know, in this campaign, you've used the word 'liberal' 74 times. In one day. It was yesterday. Toby: I'm not sure I can watch anymore...no, wait, I can. I can. Moderator: Governor Ritchie, many economists have stated that the tax cut, which is the centerpiece of your economic agenda, could actually harm the economy. Is now really the time to cut taxes? Gov. Ritchie: You bet it is. We need to cut taxes for one reason - the American people know how to spend their money better than the federal government does. Moderator: Mr. President, your rebuttal. Bartlet: There it is. That's the ten word answer my staff's been looking for for two weeks. There it is. Ten-word answers can kill you in political campaigns. They're the tip of the sword. Here's my question: What are the next ten words of your answer? Your taxes are too high? So are mine. Give me the next ten words. How are we going to do it? Give me ten after that, I'll drop out of the race right now. Every once in a while... every once in a while, there's a day with an absolute right and an absolute wrong, but those days almost always include body counts. Other than that, there aren't very many unnuanced moments in leading a country that's way too big for ten words. I'm the President of the United States, not the President of the people who agree with me. And by the way, if the left has a problem with that, they should vote for somebody else. Election Night Sam: We won. We don't have to pander. Toby: Please don't say that. I'm not kidding. We haven't won anything yet. C.J.: The speech is done. Toby: Two speeches are done. C.J.: What's the second? Toby: I've got a speech if he wins. I've got a speech if he doesn't. Sam: You wrote a concession? Toby: Of course I wrote a concession. You want to tempt the wrath of whatever from high atop the thing? Sam: No. Toby: Then go outside, turn around three times, and spit. What the hell is the matter with you? Sam: It's like 25 degrees outside. [he sits]Toby: Go. [Josh enters]Josh: Hello. C.J.: [in foreign accent] Oh, Mr. Lyman. I see your picture in the magazine. Tell me, if I swallow my ballot, does it still...? Josh: A little election day humor-- that's great. Sam: He wrote a concession speech. Josh: Of course, he wrote a concession speech. Why wouldn't he? What possible reason would he have for not to writing a concession speech? Sam: The wrath from high atop the thing. Toby: He up and said we were gonna... Josh: No, you have to go outside turn around three times and curse. Toby: Spit. Josh: Spit and curse. Toby: Do everything. Go! Josh: Go! C.J.: Did you—? Sam: Yes, I turned, I cursed, I spat, it froze. C.J.: Can't be too careful. Sam: I think you can. C.J.: [to Toby] Listen, I know better than to stick my face in your personal life. Except, you know, for sport. Elsie: The die's been cast, big brother. You're making everyone crazy. Will: There's a moment, after you cast the die but before it hits the table. Breathe wrong and you'll change the way it lands. Abbey: That was wonderful! Bartlet: That was fun. Abbey: How you feeling? Bartlet: I feel great. Abbey: You want a glass of water? Bartlet: No, I'm fine. Abbey: You seem a little dry. Sure you don't want a glass of water? Bartlet: No, I feel great. Abbey: Maybe I should get you a glass of water, just in case. You could hold it in your hand. Bartlet: [pause] How'd you know? Abbey: You were off the prompter. Bartlet: [A little teary] Just for a second, I couldn't see it. Abbey: It's all right. There are going to be more days like this. It starts now. It's going to be harder this time. Bartlet: Yeah, I know. We can still have tonight, though, right? Abbey: [fighting tears; smiles] You've got lots of nights. Process Stories Sam: She wanted a name for election night and I said, "Use my name," not thinking for a second it was ever going to be a practical option. Can I ask, is your o