Men in Black: The Series/Season 1

The Long So Long Syndrome [1.1] K: List the distinguishing characteristics of a Rainissian Skeezaloid. J: No sweat. Cheese-headed dude with over seventeen digestive systems. K: Wrong. That's a Naborian Skeezaloid. Different moon. J: Trick question. K: You didn't do your reading, did you. J: Maybe. K: You're not in the NYPD anymore. If you're gonna tangle with a Skeezaloid, you'll have to know how to cuff him. J: By the wrists? K: Skeezaloids don't even have arms. J: Noisy Cricket! Ha! J: (about the Skraaldian) It... lobbed on me. K: Never use a Noisy Cricket on a Skraaldian! J: Why not? K: Blows them up. J: And that's a bad thing? Dude was gonna mess up your haircut. K: No. The "dude" was only going to sting me. I would have swelled up and turned the color of rotten eggplant, but only for a week. J: My mistake. K: One you'll never make again. J: What?! You're gonna fire me for saving your–?! K: You're marked, J. J: (about the blob on his suit) MIB dry cleaning should handle it. K: You don't understand. Permanently marked. "This is the last suit you'll ever wear" marked. "You're a dead man" marked. J: Even if I am marked, who knows when the Skraal-guys will strike? Could be today, could be forty years from now. K: Probably today. J: Heads up everyone! [J has donned a robot suit of some kind] J: J is in the house! [J trips and accidentally blasts an iced Skraaldian] K: Why'd you have to go and do that? J: What's it matter? They coming to off me either way. K: Yeah but now they'll probably put you in... the soup. J: Can I at least drive? K: Not today. J: But I may not see tomorrow! K: Maybe later. Arquillian: This experience has made me realize how delicate life is. We are all so vulnerable. One moment we're eating seafood, the next, we're eating dirt. I owe you my life, K. J: Can we pu–leez change the subject?! Arquillian: What's with him? K: Blew up a Skraaldian. Arquillian: Blew up a Skraaldian?! Why didn't he jump off the Empire State Building? [Jay slams the Arquillian's face shut] Arquillian: Ow! Watch the face. The Buzzard Syndrome [1.2] [After J and K get in trouble with Zed, due to J screwing up a mission] J: Whew. Thought Zed was gonna come onto us like a ton of bricks. K: Yeah. We got lucky today, Sparky. J: "Sparky"? What happened to "Slick"? K: You have to work your way back up to "Slick". [Due to having the same model weapon, K and Buzzard are in a standoff, endlessly aiming at each other] K: Arm tired? [No response from Buzzard] K: Mine neither. I suppose we could just fire. Scramble our molecules, experience mind-numbing pain... black out. And if we're lucky enough to wake up at the same time, we could start this game all over again. The Irritable Bow-wow Syndrome [1.3] K: We're looking at a major crash landing, but no bogey in sight. J: Maybe the UFO sprouted mechanical legs and walked away. Like in War of the Worlds. You've seen that? Martians invade Earth. Your favorite movie, right? Jeebs: K... K: What happened here, Jeebs? Jeebs: Nothin'. Just, business as usual. J: Then, whataya doin' on the floor? Jeebs: Just... looking for something. K: [holding Jeebs's hand] This? [holding Jeebs's leg] Or maybe this? J: Size 9 Triple-E? Not mine. Jeebs: [in several pieces all over his shop] Come on, guys, you can't leave me like this! K: Don't worry. You'll pull yourself together. In an hour or two. J: What did you swallow, anyway? Frank: Nothing. Must be a hairball. Get me some water, will you? J: There's a white porcelain bowl in the other room. All you can drink. Frank: You drink of the toilet, mac. I'll take pictures. J: Then I guess you're not thirsty. Frank: Just because I look like a dog doesn't mean I am one. In fact, it takes seven dog years to equal just one of mine. Frank: Goodbye, cruel world. Hello, guts. Frank: What's wrong with ya?! You scared the living daylights outta me! J: (referring to the Void Density core) That's not all I scared out of you. The Alpha Syndrome [1.4] K: (sees Jeebs) Jeebs... (to the agent next to him) Who let him in here?! MIB agent next to K: He's not a guest? K: He runs a pawnshop. He's a scavenger. Jeebs: Hey! I don't speak ill of your career. K: You have three seconds to get out, Jeebs. Jeebs: It's a free...[K blows his head off with a blaster. Jeebs' head grows back. Two MIB agents drag him out of the hotel]Jeebs: You were supposed to count, K! K: (puts gun away) Got no time to count. K: You've really gone off the deep end, Alpha. Alpha: Deep space. I've spent twenty years travelling the cosmos, handpicking alien anatomy, surgically enhancing myself, becoming more powerful than any one alien, or human! K: I bet not one of those body parts came willingly. Alien head on Alpha: Hey, I got a human attached to me! Get me some wart-remover! Alpha: [smacks him] Shut up. J: Is this thing safe? L: It's intended for the originator of the memories. It'll either work, or your head will explode. [J stares at L, shocked]L: You asked. Alpha: Join me, K. Be like me. K: A circus freak? Alpha: The cosmic intergrator opened my mind! My body had to follow. If only you knew what was in here. K: I used to think I did... until you left me for dead. Alpha: Well, stuff happens. But I'm offering you immortality, K. I'll get you another heart. It won't hurt a bit. K: You wouldn't go all the way to Sentillia for that heart, would you? Alpha: Why should I? Plenty of Sentillians right here on Earth. K: I had the twins do a little research. Did you know that Sentillians can breath a gas that would make a human's lungs dissolve? Bet you did. So, I got to wondering... (takes out a can of Sentillian atmosphere gas) just how inhuman are you? Alpha: You wouldn't! It'll destroy us both! K: I'm willing to live with that. The Sentillian, of course, walks. Come on, Alpha. Let's you and me take the ultimate thrill ride.[J and L burst in the room]Alpha: They riding, too?(Silence)Alpha: I didn't think so. Alpha: Your attention, please. Mr. Saben has left the building. I now return you to your regularly scheduled program. And Zed, ease off the bunt cake. K: Minor grapefruit sizzling without the bric a brac sauce, radial tires go beep bop beep bop... [melts]J: You're ignoring Zed's orders? Who's the hot dog here? [Sees that the LTD is gone] Our wheels. We've been carjacked! K: Sorry, kid. I can't take you on this one. J: What? Why? K: I've already left. Besides, the underwear wrench can't tighten the laughing lumbago... [melts]Hotel maid: Can I clean in here yet? J: Not yet, ma'am. [Shows her his ID] Hotel inspectors, Division 6. Hotel maid: Thought you might be MIB. Place is crawling with them.[She walks away. J notices she has a lizard's feet and tail.]J: (about himself) Forgot what hotel we were in. K: Alpha. You got the Verrutians. Alpha: That's not all I've got. A cosmic intergrator, K. Locked and loaded. I'll let you touch it... K: But... MIB won't allow an intergrator to be used on Earth for another thousand years. You said so yourself. Alpha: Forget what I said. The MIB doesn't even know it's here. Come on, K. Let's you and me take the ultimate thrill ride! K: And reject everything you ever taught me? No. Alpha: [Takes out a gun] Fine. Then perish! J: Can you believe those guys? Their muffled plastic fiestas are burning the eggplant shopping mart... [melts]Jeebs: Virtual Selective Memory Projector? Sorry, guys. Wouldn't know anything about that. J: Why is it that whenever yous say, "Wouldn't know anything about that", I get the feeling that you know everything about that? Jeebs: You... have no trust in your fellow man? L: Jeebs... Jeebs: [gasps]L: [points a giant laser canon at Jeebs] Our fellow man doesn't splatter green goo. Show us the goods now. Jeebs: [pushes a button on his desk and a secret drawer opens]J: Bingo! Jeebs: How did that get there? The Undercover Syndrome [1.5] K: (points at a blackboard) See this word? It's Tarkan for "hello". Repeat after me. "Kanfamutekatafuutermet". J: "Kamfamutekatafuuutermet"The worms giggleK: That's Tarkan for "hello, sailor". K: In one mouth, out the other. But, betwixt, the twian shall meet. J: Got it, Shakesphere. The Neuralizer Syndrome [1.6] J: Tell me about your family. K: Zed, the twins, the worms, same family as you. J: Come on! You have parents! You were born, weren't you? Tell me about your dad. What's he like? K: Dead. J: Always up for "chicken", huh!? L: You made me bail out at the last second! The Symbiote Syndrome [1.7] Troy: They've got babes, swimming pools, movie stars, you like movies, don't ya? Oh, and do you think we can get our handprints in concrete right in front of that theater. Huh? What do ya say? And it's near that amusement park where you can buy a hat with rodent ears! I want one of those. So, what do you say? Huh? J: Um, Hollywood's the opposite way. J: You two Edgars are UGG – LEE! Where did you get your human suits? The 99 cent rack? The Inanimate Syndrome [1.8] U: Haven't you read the MIB manual? J: Waiting for the movie, Upton. U: Wah... Codenames are classified! How did you know... J: Your letter is "U". But you don't look like an "Ursula". The Psychic Link Syndrome Syndrome [1.9] The Head Trip Syndrome [1.10] The Elle of My Dreams Syndrome [1.11] L: Jay, there's no time for another job! There's something important you have to do now![Dream version of L walks in]Dream L: I agree. L: (gasps)(J saves L from a Vermax)J: Consider it a favor.(L saves J from two Vermaxes)L: Favor returned. With interest. The I Married an Alien Syndrome [1.12] The Take No Prisoners Syndrome [1.13] Worm 1: What kept you, K? Worm 2: We got a situation here! Worm 3: Big problem! Worm 4: Yeah! Yeah! Big! K: (Deactivates alarm) Being out of coffee is not'' a Code Blue.