Thumbtanic

Thumbtanic is 2002 short film parody of the 1997 James Cameron movie Titanic. Directed by Steve Oedekerk, it is similar to Thumb Wars. thumb|IT'S A BIG SHIP. thumb|"All hear this: increase speed beyond reason! There, happy?" "Yes, I believe I am." thumb|"Captain, I demand we sink faster!" "What?!" "Surely we can submerge this beast at a faster clip! I shall die the fastest! Please excuse me, I'm heading for the low end." Dialogue [First lines] Sub Pilot: [discovers the drawing of the young, naked woman] She's naked...and she's not wearin' any clothes too! [cracks up laughing] TV Anchor: [on TV] Ha, I bet that squirrel was surprised, Barbara! This just in; an amazing discovery today: A drawing of a naked lady found at the bottom of the ocean. Sources close to the drawing say, quote "Not only is she nekkid, but she ain't wearing any clothes, too." [chuckles] Old Geranium: [surprised while watching the news] Well, I'll be a canned ham! [picks up the phone] Hello? Anybody? The woman in the picture is me! [then falls asleep] TV Anchor: [interviewing Old Geranium] Tell us your story, old one. Old Geranium: Well, ah...I, uh... TV Anchor: Give us but a rare glimpse behind the withered curtains of your mind. Old Geranium: All right. It was a... TV Anchor: [interrupts her] Grace us with the marvelous tale of aged wisdom that is locked within the deep, withered pit of the crusty remnants of your aged, ragged brain. Old Geranium: Fine. It was a... TV Anchor: [interrupts her again] Grace us with the marvelous tale of withered, decrepit wisdom; SPEW FORTH from your lined, grey, wrinkled piehole the secrets locked deep within the past. [Old Geranium snores and falls over] Are you all right? Old Geranium: [with her face on the floor] Fine. [slowly gets back up] TV Anchor: I'd like to help you up, but you... kinda smell like an old person. Old Geranium: [sits down] That's alright. TV Anchor: Are you ready to go back to Thumbtanic, stinky? Old Geranium: [determined] Yes. I...am. [snores and falls over again] Ship Conductor: ALL ABOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRRDDD!!! Male Thumb 1: Good gravy, what a ship! Female Thumb 1: What lovely big ship! Male Thumb: It's a big ship. Captain Smith: Oh, my ship is beautiful, isn't it?! Female Thumb 2: This ship must go on for miles! Male Thumb 3: Lovely ship. Male Thumb 4: Lovely ship. Big Thumb: IT'S A BIG SHIP. One-Eyed Thumb: Woo-hoo! Geranium: [yawns] I'm tired of being rich. I want to be poor: dance with paupers, and have sex in a car. Oh, I do so want to be poor. Scottish Servant: You want to be poor?! Are you half crazy?! I work eighteen hours a day, for a mere shilling a week; then I return to a freezing room the size of a closet! Oh, I would pack myself in excrement if it meant just staying one degree warmer. Geranium: I do so want to be poor...except for all those parts. Captain Smith: [showing Geranium the ship's wheelhouse] Yes, yes she's a grand lady, she is, yes! Take a look around! One day you'll be old and wrinkled and wish you could see her this clearly. Geranium: It's truly a wonderful ship. Thomas Andrews: [smug] Why thank you! I'm the ship's designer. It's nice to meet a man of such fine taste. Captain Smith: [whispering] Woman! Thomas Andrews: Whatever. Surely this will be a glorious voyage. Geranium: Is the ship safe? [Andrews and Smith laugh nervously amongst themselves] Thomas Andrews: If anything were to happen, there are two lifeboats. [beat] Geranium: Only two? Thomas Andrews: Yes. One is designed to hold 23 of the key nautical crew, and myself. The other will hold the rest. Geranium: Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't there over 2000 thumbs on board? Thomas Andrews: ..... whoa. Jake: [upon seeing Geranium for the first time] Just how I like 'em, all big and big-like. Geranium: [upon seeing Jake for the first time] Hm. I hope he likes 'em big. Jake: [in his mind] She's bigger than me. [During the sunset] Jake: [spreading his arms at the bow] I'M THE KING OF THE GLOBE! WOO-HOO! Moderator: Hello. That'll be about it. [Jake is confused] Time's Up. Next. [Cut to the same scene with a different thumb] Dentist: I'M A DENTIST! YAY! Moderator: [offscreen] Next. [And again] 'Really A Woman' Guy: I'M REALLY A WOMAN! WEEEEEE! Moderator: [offscreen] Next, please. [We cut to the whole bunch of male thumbs waiting in line] Elbow-Cleaning Man: I'M CLEANING MY ELBOW! Guy Who's Ulcer Free: I'M ULCER FREE! Bed-Wetting Man: I'M A BED-WETTER! No that's not cool. Elvis Presley: I am the king, baby. Sign it, read it. Get my cape. [Later that evening] Mr. Prickle: Captain, I want to go faster. Captain Smith: But Mr. Prickle, we're already going fast. Mr. Prickle: Yes I know, but I want to go unreasonably fast. Faster than what's safe, do you hear me? Captain Smith: Uh, very well. [into an intercom in the engine room] All hear this: increase speed beyond reason! [turns to Mr. Prickle] Happy? Mr. Prickle: Yes, I believe I am. [leaves] [In the engine room] Thumb Foreman: Okay! Let's get even hotter and sweatier! [An exercise-video beat starts playing; the stokers all shovel coal very fast] Thumb Stoker: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Love the heat! Love the heat! Love the heat! Geranium: [spreading her arms at the bow] I'm flying, Jake! I'm really flying! Jake: [to himself] Big deal. I'm the king of the globe...fatty. [The Captain is dining with a group of rich thumbs when the lookouts spot an iceberg; one sticks his head in the bell and begins ringing it] Rich Female Thumb: What is that annoying bell? Captain Smith: [visibly worried] Oh, it's a warning alarm from the lookout tower! Rich Female Thumb: Well no wonder they're frightened. They're not rich! [the rich thumbs laugh] I'd be frightened too! [they laugh some more] Oh, the poor the crack me up! Rich Male Thumb: Hey, what did one poor person say to the other? Rich Female Thumb: What? Rich Male Thumb: Who cares?! [The rich thumbs all laugh hysterically] Thumb Officer: Please, everyone stay calm. We have a minor sinkage situation here. Captain Smith: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! [thumb crowd panics and runs away] WHERE'S MY LIFE JACKET I MUST HAVE MY LIFE JACKET I MUST HAVE MY LIFE JACKET I MUST HAVE- Thumb Officer: You're wearing it, Captain! Captain Smith: I'm what?! Thumb Officer: You're always wearing it! [walks away] Captain Smith: [noticed the life jacket he's wearing all the time] Oh. Hehe. Mr. Prickle: [runs up to him] Captain! I demand we sink faster! Captain Smith: What?! Mr. Prickle: Surely we can submerge this beast at a faster clip! I SHALL DIE THE FASTEST! Please excuse me, I'm heading for the low end. Ta ta. [leaves] Captain Smith: [annoyed like in the picture behind him] Oh! [as Smith consults Andrews on how fast the ship is sinking] PA Voice: Group suicide, Promenade 3. Group suicide. Captain Smith: How much time?! How fast will the water rise?! Thomas Andrews: Water is liquid. Captain Smith: Yes? Thomas Andrews: If we could manage to take it away... Captain Smith: Uh-huh? Thomas Andrews: To get the liquid away from us... Captain Smith: Yes... Thomas Andrews: Or somehow dry it. Dry up all the liquid with a big heating device... Captain Smith: Dry up the entire ocean? What? What? Thomas Andrews: It would have to be big. Captain Smith: Uh... Thomas Andrews: Bigger than the ocean. Imagine a heating fan the size of Africa. Yes, that would be something... Captain Smith: THE SHIP, MAN! HOW MUCH TIME?!?! [beat] Thomas Andrews: [pointing out various areas of the blueprints of a... monkey] If you refer to diagram B-12, you'll see the point of impact is right here. The water will rush in and branch off in two key areas. Now, it is very important to remember- Captain Smith: This isn't useful, this is a monkey! [beat] Thomas Andrews: Hmmm... yes it is. Wait! Right here! There's an escape portal through the tail! If we can- Captain Smith: [losing it] WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! [runs off] Thomas Andrews: Does anyone have a banana? Or some type of sweet fruit? Thumb: OH NO! IT'S A GIGANTIC SPIDER! [A huge spider is crawling near the front of the ship, and the crowd panics] Geranium: That spider, Jake, it's coming for us! Jake: Don't worry! [pulls out a ray gun and shoots the spider, causing it to retreat back into the ocean] That's right. Go back to the hell from which you came. Geranium: You can't blast away an ocean, Jake. [breaths with her nose] Jake: I know. [Geranium continues breathing] I know. Thumb: Hooray! We're saved! [thumbs begin cheering, until the ship begins sinking faster] WE'RE GOING TO DIE! Male Thumb in the water: Oh my gosh, look at that! The entire ship is angling even more. [the ship is groaning, crashing, and screams are heard] Even more! And more! Oh, it's breaking in half now! The back of the ship has broken off and is crashing into the ocean! Oh it's crushing the people who leapt off to what they thought was safety! Oh, the rest of the ship is sinking into the ocean depths. It's amazing! It's massive! There's very little left to go! Oh, if you were ever going to recreate this on film, it would cost so much money! Piano Thumb: Shay! This isn't that bad! [Looks up and gasps; a piano falls off the ship and hits him] Jake: When we hit the water, swim for the surface and breathe above the water! Breathe the air, not the water! [Geranium is clearly annoyed] Don't breath the air! Or any mixture of air and water! You know, like...!!! [speech bubbles as the ship sinks]