Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Gauntlet

01 02 03 04 05 06 Mac and Me Kinga: From now on, we're dumbing things down. Max: Yeah. Once people are dumb, they'll pay us to make them smart with our invention exchange, a new pharmaceutical we call, Algernon! Jonah: I don't know. Anything that has to do with messing with your brain chemistry can't be very safe. Kinga: Relax, ex-fiancé! No one can sue us if we mention all the terrible stuff our drug could do to you in the advertisement. Algernon... Synthia: Hi, I'm Synthia. As a clone I lacked basic intelligence, but that changed when I started taking Algernon. Kinga: Algernon... Synthia: Algernon is the only effective smartness drug on the market. Max: Grow your brain with Algernon, dumbasses! Kinga: [speaking rapidly] Side effects of Algernon include nausea, mouse friendship, and the 1969 Oscar for Best Actor. Algernon may kill you if taken when the sun is out or setting. Max: [rapidly speaking] Algernon should not be ingested even in jest. For more warnings, see our ad in Golf Magazine. Synthia: Algernon made me so smart, I realized it was dangerous, and I should stop taking it. Kinga, Max, and Synthia: Algernon! Mac and Me (movie) [as security surrounds the building] Servo: Don't worry, if we just put some flashing lights on it, nobody'll notice it's your mom's station wagon. [as Mac is blown onto the highway and struck by a vehicle] Crow: So now our lovable hero is getting hit by a car. Gotcha. [as three of the aliens travel naked and struggling through the desert] Jonah: The Blue Man Group as you've never seen them before: brown! Servo [as one of the aliens]: [coughing] No, go on and do the movie without me, please... Crow: They're so close to inventing clothes. Come on guys! Jonah: This is like if humanity had evolved from Pinky and the Brain. Mike: Hey, how's it going? Debbie: [wearing stereotypical Native American apparel] Shhh! We're communing with the earth spirits. Servo [as Debbie]: They say this is very insensitive. [as Eric investigates the running shower] Servo: Oh yeah, way to diss the new owners. Leave the shower running, and they get stuck with the water bill. Crow [as Eric]: Hello? Somebody in here? 'Cause I've been holding it in since Denver! [Eric pulls aside the shower curtain, revealing nothing] Jonah: Somebody killed Janet Leigh! Servo [as Eric]: Oh, I was hoping it'd be that lady duck from Howard the Duck. [as Eric opens the front door after Mac reveals himself] Servo: Who is that rapping? Rapping on my chamber door? [Eric opens the door and no one is there] Jonah: Huh, darkness there, and nothing more. Crow: Huh, didn't even have the courtesy to leave a flaming bag of poop. [A garbage can rattles] Crow: Remember: When you throw away your Tickle Me Elmo, you've got to remove the batteries. [as Eric's wheelchair starts to rush down a hill toward a cliff] Crow [as Eric]: Now this is podracing! Debbie: Eric! Servo: Chickabee! Tay in the wind! [Eric tries to brake, but his brake breaks off] Jonah [as Eric]: Damn you, Roy's Discount Medical Supplies! [Eric flies off the cliff, screaming into a lake below] Crow: You know, they went through three Erics making this. [Mac watches Eric splash into the water confused] Servo [as Mac]: Great. Now I'm gonna get blamed for this too. Crow: I can't help feeling like I've seen all this before. Single mom, suburban kid, big brother, little girl... Jonah: Yeah, that's E.T. Crow: No, that's not it. You know, they find an alien, he loves junk food— Jonah: Yeah no, it's from E.T. Crow: No, but the alien is separated from its family and just wants to call home— Jonah: You're thinking of E.T.! Crow: No, but then the alien helps the kid fly— Jonah: E.T.!!! Crow: Let me finish! —during a summer camp boxing match. Jonah: Oh, Meatballs II. Crow: Now that's it! Crow [as an agent] : Tell my wife I died chasing a little boy in a wheelchair! Mike: [wearing sunglasses] Eric! Jonah: Hey, nice sunglasses. Servo: [cut to a different angle, the sunglasses go missing] Hey, where'd the sunglasses go? Mike: Get ready! [the sunglasses are suddenly back on Mike's face] Jonah: Hey, nice sunglasses. Servo: [Mike is pulling Mac into the van; the sunglasses are gone] Hey, where'd the sunglasses go? [Mac is riding piggyback on Mike] Crow: [imitating Yoda] Luke, 30 years from now, overly possessive fanboys, upset with your character arc will be. Hmm, yes. [the MACs have wandered into the grocery store, and the mother has knocked over a pile of canned soda] Crow, Servo, and Jonah: Jenga! Store Associate: Hey, what do you think you're doing?! Crow [as a MAC] Uh, uh, uhhh... [the father MAC walks in front of the associate, holding a watermelon] Jonah [as the father MAC]: I gotta find the John, where do I put this? [the associate looks at him, bottom to top] Servo [as the father MAC]: Did you just check me out??? Crow and Jonah [as two bystanders]: Did he just check him out??? Servo: Now this is what E.T. was missing. A shootout in a grocery store. Jonah: Oh, I bet this is the part of the movie where Eric's gonna give a big speech about no matter what we look like on the outside, we are all the same, and really, isn't that— [the police begin opening fire on the aliens, starting a massive firefight] Whoa, okay. Tha— I mean like— oh! NO! NOO! NO STOP! NO IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SPEECH ABOUT HOW WE'RE ALL THE SAME! Servo: What? [the cars all explode, causing a massive explosion of the gas store] Jonah: NOOO!!! Crow: What the hell??? Servo: Holy gizmos! Jonah: [freaking out] NO, WHAT THE F— COME ON!!! This didn't happen in E.T.! Crow: I love the smell of napalm in the morning! Jonah: [stressed] It's supposed to be about how we're all the same in the end and everything's gonna be okay... Jonah: He looks like Teddy Ruxpin with his face torn off. Crow: That's neither the church nor the steeple. [Mac blows a bubblegum bubble] Servo [as Mac]: Wanna see my spleen? It's pretty cool. [Eric pops the bubble] Servo [as Mac]: Ahh! I need that to live! Atlantic Rim Atlantic Rim (movie) Crow Atlantic Rim? Could you be more Pacific? Admiral Hadley: Pretty big step for a radar glitch. Do you have anymore information you wanna tell me? Gypsy: Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, sir. Lt. Jim: Damn, what time is it? Crow: Time is a social construct, SIR! Dr. Adams: Who would take down an oil rig? Crow: Robert Mueller? Lt. Jim: It just disappeared from my sonar, I don't have anything here. Anybody else reading anything? Crow: [as Stone] Uh, Lincoln in the Bardo. Jonah: [as Admiral Hadley] Cash on Cash by Johnny Cash. Servo: [as Dr. Margaret Adams] Danielle Steel. Crow: [as Lt. Wexler] I'm into podcasts. [as Red battles a giant monster] Red: This thing's all over my ass, man! He's gonna tear me up! Crow: Excuse me? Lt. Jim: Hey, send someone in there, he's getting killed down there! [as the camera shows different characters] Servo [as Hadley]: That thing's all over him. Crow [as Adams]: Tearing him up. Jonah [as Wexler] Especially his ass. [as Red is being put in the brig] Red: Easy! Crow: Yeezy? Kanye? I don't know what to call him anymore! Tell me what to call Kanye, please! Servo [as Red]: Oh, I think I found a way out. I'm gonna get outta here- [door is locked] Aww man... Red: Yo, there's people dying! Jonah [as Red]: And it's actually Berenstain Bears! Not Bernstein!!! [in a scene with two bomber pilots] Jonah: I kinda just figured we'd get matching helmets, didn't you? Servo: Joel Hodgson??? Jonah: That day, eight brave soldiers evacuated Manhattan by word of mouth alone. Jonah [as Geise]: He's gonna hear about this! "@US Navy; my Admiral says 'cappish' instead of 'capiche'. LOL, eyepatch emoji," tweet. Geise: It's me. Crow [as Geise]: Ya boy. Geise: We're not getting no play here. Crow [as Geise]: It's a total sausage fest. Geise: The Admiral is going to lose New York one way or another. Crow [as Geise]: He's already misplaced Orlando. Geise: I think it's time we implement... Crow [as Geise]: Pause for effect. Geise: ... the Trojan Horse. Crow [as Geise]: Bum, bum, bum! Geise: Yes sir. Crow [as Geise]: I love you. Uh- wai- Why is he always hanging up right when I'm about to say it? [as the bots attack the monster] Crow: Guys, lets look at this from the monster's point of view. He's out of his element, an endangered species, probably just looking for food and suddenly, some robots attack him. Jonah: Yeah, if anything, he's a poor huddled mass just yearning to breath free. Servo: We should be welcoming this new sea monster American, and the unique skills he brings with him. Jonah: Yeah [At this point, the monster accidentally destroys the Statue of Liberty, causing Jonah and the bots to freak out] Crow: Aw, hell no! Jonah: Kill that monster! [in chorus with Servo and Crow] USA! USA! USA! [the monster has been defeated by Red, and everyone is celebrating] Servo: So now they go out for a well deserved night of celebration. Crow: Which ends with Red once again, in the brig. This time for urinating on the dog of a visiting diplomat. Jonah: Until another monster emerges for him to battle. Servo: Which he does, leading to another victory, and another night of drinking. Crow: And he's back in the brig. Jonah: And the cycle of Red's life continues. [camera pans to the burning remains of the giant robot] Servo: And the movie ends as it began... as a garbage fire. Lords of the Deep Lords of the Deep (movie) Stanley: You're not exactly fired, Barbara. I mean- there is a difference between being fired and being replaced. Crow: Just ask Conan O'Brien. [as the Submarine shakes violently, with alarms going off] Crow: That's why you always go into the theater when you have Movie Sign. Servo: [as someone dresses into a yellow wetsuit] Can't believe I have to dress like a Minion for this stupid kid's birthday party. I went to Juilliard! [a yellow submarine rests on the seafloor] Jonah: [imitating John Lennon] Told you we shouldn't have let Ringo drive. Jonah: Well, at least he died doing what he loved; yelling at fish. [about a shot behind a grate] Servo: You know, Jonah, this shot is not grate. Jonah: Thanks, Tom. I know you're just venting. You wanna try one, Crow? Crow: No thanks, I don't think puns are funny. Yet the way they're constructed makes you feel like they should be. Jonah: I hear ya. ... [later, on a shot of a sink] Crow: Hey, I got it! Let that sink in. Yeah, I'm a pun guy! I like myself, and I'm saying puns! [a shot of Claire seemingly gazing down on the three silhouettes] Jonah: Hey, she's looking right at us! Crow: Yeah! You're freaking us out, lady! Stop it! Servo: And look at how she's behaving, like we're the jerks. Jonah: Yeah! [she begins to back away] Servo: No, you back off! Crow: More like Amelia Waterheart! Get it? I'm puntastic! Chadwick: It's like if you... blew 'em apart... Crow: You know, like, ba-boom? Chadwick: All those little pieces, in time, would come back together again... [Chadwick locks his fingers together] Jonah: Here's the church, here's the steeple... Chadwick [Locking his fingers together tighter]: And form one being. Jonah Open the doors, Lords of the Deeple. The Day Time Ended The Day Time Ended (movie) Jenny: [suddenly appearing in the shot] Bye Daddy! Jonah [as Richard]: Whoops, were you there the whole time, baby? Richard: You be a good girl for Mommy now, okay? Jenny: I will, Daddy. Richard: Alright, I'll see you tomorrow. Crow: Bargain-bin Mark Hammill's gotta get his make out on! Steve: [coming downstairs] Hey, Dad. Servo, Jonah, and Crow: Norm! Richard: [on the phone] Well how long do you think it would take to fix it? Jonah: A half-hour, sir. It's just a pizza. Richard Okay, I'll call back in an hour or so. Thank you. Jonah: No no- what toppings do you need on the- [Richard hangs up] Grant: What is it? Ana: The mirror. Grant: Well, what about it? Ana: It was broken. Crow [as Grant]: Damn bikers must have fixed it! [The camera is left running as Jenny goes to the bathroom] Crow: Look, I appreciate the cinéma vérité approach, but do we really have to wait here while she goes tinkle? What's the point? Why? Crow [as Ana]: [as the alien reveals itself to Ana] Ugh, gotta stop mixing steak milk and NyQuil... Jenny: Mommy, I don't wanna go. I like it here. Beth: Shh, honey, don't talk now... Servo [as Beth]: Or ever. [as Grant enters a smoke-filled basement] Jonah [as Grant]: Boy, are you steaming hams down here again? [as a small alien appears in the parents' bedroom] Jonah [as Mr. Hankey]: Well, howdy-ho! Killer Fish Max: [pulling out a turkey egg from their time-travel oven] Hey! What came first? The cooked turkey or the egg? Kinga: [very annoyed] ... Flush them the movie! Max: No, think about it. If they're watching this on Thanksgiving... or Easter... it would blow their minds. Kinga: ...... No. Jonah: [utilizing a model wooden cutout model of the film's characters] Okay boys, we need to figure out a way to get them over here, using only this. Servo: Jonah, are we really doing an Apollo 13 bit? It's 23 years old. Crow: We don't have time for questions! Irritating lives are on the line! Jonah: It's like a logic puzzle where you cross a river with a fox, a chicken, and a bag of grain. Servo: Why not just leave the fox? Is there any situation where you'd need a fox? Jonah: My point is, it's all about the order you do things in! You can't just send Kate and Paul, 'cause they'll just run away with the jewels. Servo: Hmm, and you can't send Paul with Lasky because they'll just fight. Crow: Lasky and Gabrielle get along too well. Halfway to shore, spontaneous shower. Jonah: Exactly. Servo: And we're not even ready to address the Ollie conundrum. Jonah: And they can't all fit on the raft, unless... they are the raft! Servo: Ohhh! Jonah: Ann and Gabrielle are the oars! Crow: Kate's hair is the sail! Servo: Lasky is the floor, Paul's the steering wheel! Jonah: Exactly! And Ollie... [beat] Crow: Guys, we all knew Ollie wasn't making it out of this. Servo: Yeah. Jonah: Yeah that's a good point... Killer Fish (movie) Fisher: [as officers inspect their boat] I guess you want to see our licenses again? You've seen it every day this week. Officer: But this time, it's different. Jonah [as Officer]: It's my birthday. Fisher: You can say that again. Jonah [as Officer]: It's my birthday. Fisher: This time we got the jackpot. Crow [as Fisher]: We caught us a money shark! Check it out! Fisher: [holding up a catch of fish] Eh? Servo: Finding Nemo my ass, right. We caught the sucker and his whole crummy family! Luis: You have got a lot of nerve. Telling a man who has had a heart attack that he's lucky to have stopped working. He's lucky to be alive. Jonah [as Luis]: He's a miracle! Cavello: But he looks pretty healthy. Luis: Must be that lady friend of his. I have a feeling she's extremely efficacious. [snickers] Crow: Ugh. I wonder how they spelled "nyahuhuhuh" in the script. Kate: [as Diller opens a book, only to have it taken away by Kate] Ah ah ah, much too heavy for a man in your delicate condition. Jonah: Oh man, nothing turns a guy on more than a lady implying he's too delicate to lift a book. [after the obese Ollie is pulled into the pool by Robert Lasky] Servo: Whoa, he almost landed on Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed! Jonah: It's especially humiliating because he had so much dignity in the first place. Ollie: I should have stayed a 98-pound weakling. Crow [as Ollie]: Curse this final form! Gypsy: [singing] Will I see many sea anemones? No no, there are no sea anemones to see. But though I don't see baracuda or a school of ahi tuna, I'll still rip off Jaws one and two and three! Ollie: [during a photoshoot] Well, what do you think? Crow, Servo, and Jonah: [flashing the okay sign] It stinks! Gabrielle: Where have you two been? Kate: In the shower. Jonah [as Gabrielle]: Ish that shupposhed to be shome kind of euphemishm? Lasky: [playing backgammon] I was showing Gabrielle some basic moves. Servo: Lathering, rinsing, repeating... Paul: Looks to me more like you're trying to keep them a secret. Leaving blots at this particular stage of the game, my dear, can be a very reckless proposition. Unless, of course, one knows how to turn them to one's own advantage. Lasky: Maybe I should take a lesson from you. Crow: In the shower? Gabrielle: Here, you two play. Go ahead. Jonah: In the shower? Tom, you take the next one. Paul: No no, leave them just as they are. I'll pick up where she left off. Servo: In the SHOWER??? [as a very cheap looking tornado breaks the dam causing a flood] Growler [as a tour guide]: If you look out the left side of the tram, you'll see a twister from the movie Twister. And there's the flash flood section of the backlot. You might recognize it from The Three Amigos, and The China Syndrome. Hopefully you're wearing your raincoats, because the dam broke. Of course, this is just the magic of special effects, courtesy of three giant pumps that can move 10,000 gallons of water in sixty seconds. This concludes our tour! Hope you enjoyed our new Killer Fish ride at Universal. M. Waverly: [as a man gets eaten alive in the water by a swarm of piranhas] Who's ready for borscht? I put sour cream in separate containers so you can dollop it out yourselves! Jonah: Ugh, not now, M. Waverly. [as Ollie is swarmed by piranhas] Crow: [as Ollie bleeds in the water] Hey, Kool-Aid! Ann: Take my hand, Ollie! Ollie: I can't! Servo [as Ollie]: Curse this delicious honey-barbecue flavored blood of mine! ... [Ollie is killed, and bloody water is all the remains] Growler: Who wants Kool-Aid? Did you guys do that one already? Servo: Yeah, we did. Growler: Okay, I'll be right over here. Lasky: You think this blood could buy us enough time to get down to that raft? Paul: [chuckling] That's all we've got. Let's try it. Gabrielle: Hey, you're not really gonna go into that water, are you? [an explosion happens] Servo: Oh, sorry! That was me! Left my Stouffer's lasagna in the oven too long. Growler: Somebody call for a Stouffer's lasagna? Jonah: No, but thanks, Growler. Growler: Well, if it's all the same to you, I'm gonna go over there, lay this thing across my torso, and pretend I suffered a bear attack. Goodbye. Jonah: What? [as Lasky jumps into piranha-infested waters to catch Paul on the raft, causing the piranhas to attack him] Growler: My brother-in-law took down a 12-point buck last winter, so I made this blood sausage. Anybody want some? [Jonah and the bots gag] Jonah: Oh, you're disgusting! Servo: That's just gross! Come on. Crow: Come on Growler! Growler: Okay, suit yourself. I'll be over here. [as piranhas attack Lasky] Crow [as a piranha]: At this point, I'm just stress-eating! Servo: Kids, this is what happens if you fall in during the Jungle Cruise at Universal Studios. Jonah: Why hasn't David Blaine tried this? Ator, the Fighting Eagle Ator, the Fighting Eagle (movie) [as the credit naming Miles O'Keeffe is listed] Servo: Remind me again, how much Keeffe is in this movie? Jonah: Oh hush. Indun: You will feel that you've stepped into eternity. Jonah: I stepped in something.