Dirty Jobs

Dirty Jobs is a Discovery Channel television show that takes a look at different dirty jobs with a hands on approach. Season 1 Bat Cave Scavenger [1.1] Mike: That stinks a little. Renee: You sure it's not you? Mike: At this point, no. Mike: This is what you did with your back room. And you could have gone with a computer office or a library...you've got a bat cage. Barbara: Yeah, I've decided to go with the fruit bat motif. Mike: [with his leg stuck in bat guano] What a stupid way to die. Mike: There's really not a lot of difference between an octopus and like a giant pile of snot. Mike: Are we walking in sand or guano? Jim: That's powdered bat guano. Mike: Holy shoot. Jim: I don't know if it's holy, but it's definitely shit. Worm Dung Farmer [1.2] John: Worms are low maintenance, real easy to take care of. They basically do three things: they eat, they poop, and have sex. Mike: Man, that's a great life. Mike: You know they throw poop at each other over at that other ranch. Just so you know. Chris: We're a little bit cleaner facility. Mike: [while he's inside a septic tank] Are you a religious man, Les? I'm about to become one. I'm going to be real good for the rest of my life because I don't want to come here when I die. Mike: If I'm supposed to let it bite me, then who's fishing who? Mike: [about the catfish] Jeez, it's like a giant hunk of snot. Roadkill Cleaner [1.3] Roadkill Cleaner: There's times that you have to either laugh or throw up, whatever comes first which you might as well laugh. Mike: I'll tell you what. You laugh and I'll throw up. Mike: [to golf ball diver] Did you ever lose your bag of balls? That's got to be frustrating. Golf ball diver: You fan with your hands through the mud until you feel something hard and you grab onto it. It's gonna be a golf ball. And if it moves, you let it go. Horse Breeder: [said while horse breeder was pulling out manure from the horse's butt] I can identify most of our horses from this angle. Mike: You gotta get out more. Chinatown Garbage Collector [1.4] Mike: Nice warm day. Rough seas. The smell of freshly ground mackerel hitting you square in the face like a moist sponge. If you don't vomit in a situation like this, you never will. Mike: That's going in my wine? Please tell me there's another process between here and the vineyard. Mike: What's the coolest thing you ever found in a car you were disassembling? Mark: One time I found a forty-five. Mike: A forty-five... a weapon? Mark: A weapon. I found a cassette box that was loaded with drugs. Mike: What kinda drugs? Mark: Green stuff in a bag, I guess it was... Mike: Oregano, probably Mark: Probably. Oregano to me... Mike: What happened was that you probably got the car of an ex-cooking expert, probably. Mark: And he was afraid someone was gonna steal his recipe and that's why he had the forty-five. Mike: After eight hours with L.J. III, I was trashed. Sewer Inspector [1.5] Mike: Nobody makes a turd like that and lives. Gary: Sure they do. Mike: Come on, it's orange! Gary: The first thing we have to do, Mike, is get acquainted with this tool right here. Mike: What is this? Gary: This tool here is called the Pooper Scooper. Mike: This is called a garden trowel. Gary: For us it's a Pooper Scooper. Mike: You're not gonna tell me that were gonna scoop the poop out of the pot with a garden trowel? Mike: Ho ho ho, three giant bags of poo. Who's been naughty? I'm the real bad Santa. Mike: And while some people might have left their hearts in San Francisco, I can tell you from my experience today, that's not all they left. Pig Farmer [1.6] [Mike is pushing the pigs out of a fenced area.] Mike: Go to where your friends are peeing... Join the urine parade. Mike: They build a nest on top of their poo? How firm a foundation. Mike: [Stumbles on roof] Another colossally stupid way to die: "What happened to Mike?" - "Ah, he fell off a building." - "What was he doing?" - "Ah, he was cleaning up pigeon poo. Tragic really, cut down in the sub-prime of his life." Eric: Now, you're gonna wanna to take your hand and brush off the excess dirt off her vulva. Mike: Right, with my clean gloves. Excess dirt? There's nothing here but... this vulva is encased in poo. Eric: This is the nursery. Mike: The nursery! What fresh hell are we in here? Chick Sexer [1.7] Mike: Yeah, that's a great sound. The ground is farting at me. Tom: [brewery employee] We filter it while it's cold, it'll be clear while it's warm. Mike: Filter cold, clear warm. Tom: Yes. If one were to filter it warm, it might not be clear cold. Is that clear? Mike: You're a complicated man, Tom. Tom: Come on, you tell that to all the boys. Mike: For a guy with a hose you tell a good story. Mike: We're just a couple of guys squeezing the crap outta chicks. [Mike and Dave have added hops into another vat.] Mike: How hot is it in there? Dave: About 212 degrees. Boiling point. Mike: That's boiling, yeah. That's why you keep that [lid] shut. Dave: Yeah. Mike: Safety first. [Dave agrees] Mike: Where are your safety goggles, Dave? Dave: Uhh… Mike: Uh-huh. I'll have a chat with OSHA. [Mike and Dave are looking down a vat that Mike is going to clean] Mike: How hot is it down there? Dave: 148 degrees. Mike: Well it’s a dry heat. Vexcon [1.8] Mary: Roach Armageddon is about to commence. Mike: Bring it on. Mark: You know you're a farrier when you wash your hands before you go to the bathroom. Mike: Now does it occur to the crab that the chicken, being a land based animal, has no business at the bottom of the river? Bill: No, he's never seen a chicken. Mike: Turns out shoes really do make the horse. Sludge Cleaner [1.9] Mike: You've seen worse, haven't you? Matt: No, I haven't seen much worse, honestly. Mike: We conclude with a sandjob? Matt: Always. Mike: I love a happy ending! [Mike and Todd are shoveling sludge] Todd: So how does it rate? Mike: On the seven levels of hell? Six...and a half. Todd: I'm glad I could accommodate you. Mike: [referring to a drum of sludge] How much does it weigh? Todd: About, uh, six hundred pounds. So let me get you the uh... Mike: Yeah, get me something, like six other guys. [Todd returns with a dolly] Mike: Oh a dolly. Hello, dolly. Mrs. Hunt: [while bottling honey in a bear] That's a two pound bear and that goes for $6. Mike: So if a two pound bear goes for $6 and a one quart bottle goes for eight dollars, a one quart bottle must weigh over two pounds. Mrs. Hunt: It's three pounds. Mike: See? I did that all in my head! Mrs. Hunt: Very good. Mike: Thanks. External links Category:Cancelled shows Category:TV shows revived after cancellation Category:Discovery Channel shows Category:American reality TV shows