NewsRadio (season 4)

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 | Main NewsRadio is an American sitcom, originally broadcast from 1995 to 1999 by NBC. Jumper [4.1] Joe: I'm rewiring the phones for speed-dial, so like, if you have to call 911 you don't have to push a whole lot of buttons. Bill: What exactly do scissors help you be prepared for? Mike: In case I get arrested, to cut the handcuffs. Bill: Handcuffs are made of steel. Mike: So are scissors!! Planbee [4.2] [on making the station more productive] Mr. James: No, Plan A was a bust. I'd like you all to meet...Plan B. Andrea: Hi, everyone. Matthew: Planbee...what an interesting name... Andrea: Call me Andrea. Matthew: Nice to meet you, Andrea Planbee. Mr. James: Dave, please. You don't drop a piranha in a kiddie pool and then stick around to watch the bubbles. The Public Domain [4.3] Dave: What kind of job are you lined up for, anyway? Bill: I'm working on an act. Dave: I thought your whole life was an act. Dave: Why is it that everyone's solution to everything around here is some sort of covert plan? Joe: That's a secret. Super Karate Monkey Death Car [4.4] Joe: Did you commit any crimes that weren't SAT related? Lisa: I broke into a library. Beth: To vandalize it? Lisa: No, I had a big history test and the only copy of the Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged. Matthew: Dave, when am I getting my job back? 'Cuz, I am going stir crazy. Dave: You have to have patience, Matthew. I'm doing everything I can. Matthew: Well, I'm doing my part. Dave: I know. Unfortunately, that is precisely why you were fired in the first place. French Diplomacy [4.5] Bill: Is it getting chilly in here, or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra? Mr. James: I've got so many lawyers lined up to see me, you'd think I had tobacco leaking outta my breast implants. Pure Evil [4.6] Dave: [about Bill] Oh God, I have created a monster. Catherine: No, he was already a monster. You just made him a very popular monster. Matthew: Why did we go to Hawaii together? Lisa: That was a dream. Matthew: Oh... Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure it wasn't. Lisa: All right then. How was it? Matthew: Not that good, actually. Lisa: I'm sorry. Catherine Moves On [4.7] Joe: Sexual harassment is no joke, sweet-cans. Beth: Desperate phone call: great idea. My ex-boyfriends did it to me all the time. Lisa: Does it work? Beth: They usually end up stalking me, so if you're lucky, Catherine might come to your fire escape tonight. Stupid Holiday Charity Talent Show [4.8] Beth: My mother always told me I had a beautiful singing voice. Bill: Well, my mother made me wear a dress 'til I was nine. They make mistakes! Mr. James: So, Lisa, are you going to wow us tonight? Lisa: If I have to, sir. Mr. James: So what do you do? Gymnastics? Flaming baton twirling? Lisa: Without mechanical help of any kind, I can solve any complex mathematical equation suggested by the audience. Mr. James: That's great, if you go out nude and leave out the math part. The Secret of Management [4.9] Dave: Bill, who is that man, and what the hell is he doing? Bill: Oh, Cadbury's my new manservant. Isn't that right, Cadbury? Cadbury: The master is correct. Dave: You hired a butler? Bill: I prefer the term "gentleman's gentleman". Mr. James: See, Dave and I, we could talk about... guy stuff. Lisa: Guy stuff? I can do that. Mr. James: No... Lisa: Yes, I can, try me. Mr. James: You think? Lisa: Yes. [pause] Mr. James: That Lisa's sure got some cute ass, huh? Look Who's Talking [4.10] Lisa: Do you really think that Bill is going to spend three hours a day teaching his child the difference between integrated and non-integrated algebraic functions?! Dave: No, but raising children is about love. Didn't you have any love when you were growing up? Lisa: Yes, of course we had love, at very judiciously determined intervals. I'm sure Bill is just going to lavish it on them all the time! Joe: Dude, you can't adopt a baby. Bill: Why not? Joe: Actually I don't know why not, but there's gotta be some reason. Chock [4.11] Bill: Dave, there comes a time in every friendship when you have to say "I never liked you. Get lost." Bill: It's like my father used to say: "When I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child. And when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot." Dave: Bill, was your father in the Khmer Rouge? Bill: Automotive sales. Who's The Boss: Part 1 [4.12] Dave: When did you get the piano in here? Bill: Over lunch. I find that I do my best work behind the piano, like Beethoven. Dave: Or Steve Allen. Joe: Bottom line, the workers just want a bigger part of the profit sharing program. Mr. James: How much do they have now? Joe: None. Mr. James: So, I guess they just want some. Joe: Yeah. Mr. James: Will you fix my glasses? Joe: Sure. Mr. James: Nice doing business with you. Who's The Boss: Part 2 [4.13] Mr. James: Spare me. If I believed in fairy tales I wouldn't have dropped out of kindergarten. [Dave and Lisa are campaigning for the Program Manager's job, which neither one of them wants] Bill: I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates. Dave: I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail. Bill: [nodding, impressed] Good answer. Security Door [4.14] Matthew: Dave, we have got to get rid of that security door. Dave: No, we don't. Matthew: Yes, we do. A little bird just flew into the glass and died. Dave: Really? [They go over to look.] Matthew, that's a Cornish game hen. Matthew: Doesn't it make you want to cry? Dave: You didn't even bother to defrost it. Dave: No, I am not paranoid, because I can say without a trace of irony... you're all out to get me. Big Brother [4.15] Danny: You know, when I first hooked up with Matthew I thought, "Hey, I want one of the little ones." But then as time went by and we got to know each other, I realized he needs just as much guidance, and love, and good old-fashioned big brothering as anyone else. Lisa: That's true. Which is sad. But still. Bill: [to Mr. James] You don't recognize you own phone number? Dave: He changes it every week. Bill: Why do you do that? Mr. James: Security. Joe: Big Brother? Mr. James: My whole damn family, actually. Beep, Beep [4.16] Dave: I agree. I think something needs to happen to relieve Matthew of this responsibility. Joe: You want me to kill him? Dave: No, I think that if something were to happen to the car, the investigation might not be that aggressive. Bill: I took Lisa out to lunch. Dave: Did you? Bill: It was a lot more than lunch. A lot more. Dave: Wait a minute. You and Lisa didn't have... coffee, did you? Bill: Yes, coffee... In bed... After we did it. Dave: Bill, you and Lisa did not do it. And while I applaud your misguided efforts to make me jealous, I have work to do. So... leave. Bill: I don't care about making you jealous. I just care about pleasing your woman. Dave: Lisa is not "my woman". Bill: And how! Balloon [4.17] Beth: But, Mr. James, what if you're fatally injured, or even killed? Mr. James: Well, then let them say this about me, "He died with his balloon on." Bill: Jim, a practical question at this juncture, if I may? Mr. James: Go ahead. Bill: Thank you. Hasn't this been done before? I mean, it seems like every year another billionaire is trying to fly around the world in a balloon. Mr. James: Well, why the hell do you think I'm doing this? I mean, the peer pressure among billionaires is incredibly intense. Bill Gates practically called me a nancy boy. Copy Machine [4.18] Mr. James: Dave, please, I don't think now's the best time to regale you with stories of my world famous root beer jacuzzi. Matthew: [singing] Ted... He's dead... And the hobbits and the gnomes, they're dancing to and fro. They have to keep the plus 2 sword from the chaotic evil thief lord. Now we're rocking, now we're really rocking! Monster Rancher [4.19] Mr. James: Dave, what do you say we hire someone to work at the station for no money? Dave: Ah, so you're considering hiring an intern? Mr. James: Well, I was hoping we could call him a "Jimmy James Rockin' Ranger", but I guess "intern" has a ring to it too. Dave: This wouldn't happen to be one of your weird nephews, would it? Mr. James: No, no, no. This is one of my normal nephews. Dave: [groans] Mr. James: I'm serious, Dave. This kid's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack smoking porn freak. Dave: Bill, this is not a frat house. We do not haze the interns. Bill: Come on, all the top companies are hazing new employees! Lisa: Bill, that's a lie. Bill: Read the papers. Corporate America is finally waking up to what fraternities and biker gangs have known for years. Hazing works! 4:20 [4.20] Dave: Bill, is your life so boring that you have to fantasize about imaginary love triangles you're not even a part of? Bill: Yes. Lisa: Did you get upset when that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting had that crush on you? Dave: Oh, that was different. Lisa: Why? Dave: Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he was convinced I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband. Lisa: It was still flattering, wasn't it? Dave: Oh, lord, yes. Jackass Junior High [4.21] Lisa: I'm a woman, right? Dave: Last time I checked. Granted, that was over three months ago, so... Mr. James: Dave, we have a little problem on the souvenir shop. Dave: What is it? Bad batch of Ye Old-Fashioned Radio Fudge? Sinking Ship [4.22] Dave: Matthew, you're not going to find any icebergs with your nose buried in that nefarious scandal sheet. Matthew: Aw, gee whiz! Dave: Matthew! What have I told you about swearing on this vessel? I will not have it. Matthew: Darn. Dave: Matthew! Matthew: Shucks! Dave: Well, I never! Bill: Hold that boat! I've got a heart condition... and I'm a woman! Jimmy: Whoa! That's a big-ass old iceberg, isn't it? Category:NewsRadio seasons