Back at the Barnyard/Season 1

Back at the Barnyard, otherwise known as simply Barnyard, is a Nickelodeon show that is a spin-off of the 2006 film Barnyard. The show, which debuted in 2007, includes pop culture references and parodies. Episode 1 The Good, The Bad, and the Snotty [1.1a] Pig: And when the farmer comes back, delicious turnip birthday cake. [laughs] Duke: Pig, there is no Turnip Con. Pig: Ah, gotcha. But the Slop Fairy is real, right? [Everyone gives Pig a look of disapproval. Pig is devastated.] Pig: NOOOOOOOOO...!!! Freddy: He seems nice. Or, wait, not nice. What's the word? It's on the tip of my tongue. Oh, yes, dangerously insane! Duke: Let me get this straight. You get rid of the farmer, end up bringing that beady-eyed little dirtbag into the barnyard, and you still expect us to throw you a huge party? Otis: Pretty much. Duke: I'll go with that. Escape from the Barnyard [1.1b] [The animals investigate the new machine the farmer got] Pip: The Quick Fryer Mark IV. Hmm. Abby: That's a weird name for a stereo. Otis: Now, now, now, watch and learn, okay? The CDs go in here. [opens the lid] Then you crank up the volume right here. [turns a knob, causing flames to erupt from the machine] Pip: And then, you run away and scream. [They do just that] Otis: AAAAH!!! WHAT'S HAPPENING?! WHAT'S HAPPENING?! WHAT'S HAPPENING?! Otis: Okay, so, not a sound system. Freddy: [sniffs] Mmm! Something smells scrumptious! [realizing] I mean, disturbing! I knew that thing was evil! E-e-e-evil! Otis: Stop that. Abby: Otis, whether we wanna admit it or not, the farmer has purchased-- a barbecue grill. [The animals murmur with concern] Pig: Barbecue grill? Freddy: Yay, I love kebabs! [Bessy looks at him] Sorry. Pig: I love kebabs too, but not if I know the kebab-ee. Otis: The farmer is a total vegan, guys. Bessy: Vegan, my rump! You know what I heard? I heard he ate an entire village down in Mexico. Otis: 'Kay, pretty sure that's not true. The farmer absolutely has no interest in meat whatsoever. Pip: Here comes the carnivore! Freddy: This is horrible! My dearest friends are gonna be barbecued! [sobs] Mmm, mmmmmmmm. I mean... [sobs] Duke: I'm too young to be eaten. Too young! Pip: Dude, get a grip. You're a dog. The farmer's not going to eat you. Duke: What, you're saying I wouldn't be nice with some low-fat chips and a nice cherry cola? Otis: Alright, enough with the chips and the cola! This is crazy talk, people, come on! Even if the Farmer came in and dipped us in seasonings, I still wouldn't believe it. Pip: Captain Cold Cuts, two o'clock! [After the farmer leaves with Joey, a calf, in a bucket, after pouring olive oil and garlic salt on him.] Freddy: He's marinating Joey in olive oil! I would've used teriyaki and a chicken or a Cornish game hen, but that's if I craved flesh! Which I don't! Otis: [glares at his cream cheese statue] How can I look you in the raisin eyes again? [smacks the statue across the barn] Pig: [runs past Otis] Ooh! I got dibs! Otis: Everyone, the farmer has betrayed us. So pack your things. We're leaving the barnyard, forever! Pig: Hey, who's got bagels? Pip: We're ready to go, Otis! Otis: Has the escape pod been built to my exact specifications? Pip: Yeah, listen, we couldn't get an escape pod, so we had to go a little more low-tech. [The animals have built a hot-air balloon] Otis: Okay. So, no warp drive? Pip: Uh, no. Otis: Thrusters? Pip: Uh-uh. Otis: Air brakes? Pip: No. Otis: Doors? Pip: Negative. Otis: Is there a floor? Pip: Uh, define floor. Otis: Alright, well, uh, we got hot air. That's a thing, right? Where do we get that? Pip: You don't wanna know. [The source of the hot air comes from the outhouse, where Pig comes out] Pig: My work here is done. [The hot air balloon has crashed through the roof of the barn, leaving a hole in it.] Farmer: Dang termites. Always chewing on some dang thing. Mrs. Beady: [watching the animals' hot air balloon] Nathan Randall, are we insured by damage caused by flying barnyard animals? Mr. Beady: [groans] Got a postcard from your brain today. It's having a wonderful time. Mrs. Beady: Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha. Make fun of me. Well, I'll tell you something, mister. [continues faintly] Mister, mister, sister. Mr. Beady: [groans] Somebody just take me out. Take me out. Mrs. Beady: Did I get a postcard? Pip: [to Abby, about Otis] He's still upset about the Farmer. You know how it is when a friend tries to barbecue you. [Otis imagines the Farmer in a flaming barbecue grill as a devil's head wearing a chef's hat.] Farmer: How do you like your friends, Otis? Grilled or HONEY ROASTED? Otis: Now, the Farmer we've loved is gone for good, but we can still end his carnivorous reign of terror! Pig: Mmm, pass. Pip: Pass. Abby: Pass. Freddy: Big pass. Huge pass. Otis: That's pathetic. Did Luke Skywalker pass when he had to blow up the Death Star? Did Tarzan pass when Jane was threatened by the Chimp King? Did that guy... pass... when he had to do the thing... in the place with those people?! You bet he didn't! NOW, WHO'S WITH ME?! [The animals are still unsure.] Otis: [gripping his own neck, using ventriloquism with his other hoof; high-pitched voice] Get in the cart or the cow gets it. [The other animals, except Abby, beg.] Freddy: Don't hurt him! Please don't hurt him! Episode 2 Cowman & Ratboy [1.2a] Peck: Otis, we are so sick of this stupid game of yours! Bessy: Yeah, I hope you're faster than a speeding butt-whoopin'! Otis: Whoa, citizens no likey the Cowman. Abby: Now, you listen, Otis, your idea to fight evil around the barnyard by becoming a superhero is just plain-- Freddy: Dumb! D-U-M-N-7-L, dumb! Pip: Dude, there's no "L" in "dumb-7". Otis: They're just wrong, Pip. I know we have what it takes to be superheroes. Pip: We're way better than most of those other costumed losers out there. Otis: Yeah, like the aqua dude. I mean, his tights are silly, and how much crime really happens underwater? Otis: Pip and I have this great idea. We totally want you guys to join us. Bessy: Yeah, I'll do that right after never. Mrs. Beady: [sees Cowman on the news] Nathan, it's that cow from next door. The one that's always making fun of me. Mr. Beady: Flight control to your mind, you're going down! Pull up, pull up! Mrs. Beady: AAH! Nathan, that crook from TV just kicked our door in! Mr. Beady: [in the kitchen, not noticing] You're mad, gal. Just one of them salesmen. They're getting bold... Crook: Quiet, lady. Cowman's on my tail. Mrs. Beady: Cowman? Tell me everything. Otis: [running to Mrs. Beady's house] I can't let him harm Mrs. Beady. [stops] Then again... [goes back to running] Nah, nah, I'd better stop him. [rushes into Mrs. Beady's house, confronting the crook] It is I, the uddered avenger! I am justice in-cow-nate! I am-- [Mrs. Beady hits him with a frying pan] ...sleepy. [passes out] Crook: Hehehe. Thanks for the help, lady. Now, I'm outta here. Mrs. Beady: Not so fast. You're in this with me, so... GET BACK INSIDE!!! [The crook ties up Otis while Mrs. Beady holds a camcorder.] Otis: [groans] Ma'am, as a deputized officer of the law, I must warn you that you will not get awa-- Mrs. Beady: Oh, hush! I know who you really are. You're one of those talking animals from next door. Crook: [finishes tying up Otis] Okay, uh, this is getting a little weird for me. [Mrs. Beady kicks the door back into place, keeping the crook from leaving.] Mrs. Beady: Because of you, people laugh and call me crazy. Not anymore! [to the crook] Unmask him! Crook: I ain't gettin' too close. What if he has super-melting vision or somethin'? Mrs. Beady: Oh, for goodness sake. [gives him the camcorder] Here, you tape us. I'll unmask him myself. Otis: It's milkin' time, filth bag! [punches the crook] Abby: Oh, being superheroes was awesome, Otis. Can we do it again? Otis: Of course, Abby. With great cow power comes great cow responsibility. Bessy: Great, more cows in spandex. Freddy: Hey, anybody ever notice that Otis and Cowman are never together at the same time? Bessy: You really are 31 flavors of dumb, aren't you? Cow's Best Friend [1.2b] Otis: Hey, what's in this sandwich? Duke: Veggie salami. Otis: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Duke: I pre-chewed it, so you wouldn't waste precious jaw energy. Otis: You... you pre-chewed this sandwich in my mouth? Duke: Mm-hm. Otis: So the sandwich in my mouth was previously in your mouth. Duke: [walks away] Nice taste, huh? [Otis runs into the field, screaming past Abby and Bessy.] Otis: SPIT SANDWICH!!! [wipes his tongue on the grass] Otis: Okay! No more! I give up! I cannot do this anymore! Duke: What, play fetch? Otis: No! I can't keep faking life-threatening situations, so you'll save me, and we'll be even, and then you'll finally LEAVE. ME. ALONE. Duke: I was just trying to be nice since you saved... [cries] Otis: Duke, Duke, don't cry. Look, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but please, stop being nice to me! Peck: Now, explosives can be highly unpredictable, Freddy? You want to help me do a test run? Freddy: You had me at "explosives". Otis: Fuse! Fireworks! Pain! HELP!!! Episode 3 Chez Pig [1.3a] Female Patron: And I'd like a side salad. Bessy: Yeah, well, I'd like a cruise to Barbados, but that's not happening either. [Singing the Truffle Bucket birthday song.] Freddy: It's your birthday, make a mess. Peck: It's your birthday, wear a dress. Freddy: It's your birthday, you look swell... Peck: It's your birthday, tip us well! Duke: [sticking paws into a hot pot] This is boiling water, isn't it? Otis: Excuse me, distinguished guests, may I have everyone's attention? It is that special time at the Truffle Bucket when we all play our favorite game. All: [singing to Pop Goes the Weasel] All around the Truffle Cafe, the people don't suspect it, but due to their delighted surprise, pop! [Otis pushes a button, catapulting all the humans out of the barn] They're ejected! Otis: I just got a letter saying the Max Fripplehoot is coming here tonight! [The animals gasp.] Peck: The founder of of T.G.B. Fripplehoot's? Freddy: I love the theme song! It's your birthday, make a mess, it's your birth-- [anguished] The birthday song has driven all other songs from my brain! Pig: Everyone, I thought you'd like to know that, well, how can I put this? I quit! [The animals gasp.] Otis: You can't quit! What do you mean, you quit? Pig: Oh, look, Grammy's pies used to be about friendship and all the good times we had together. Now, it's all about, "Money, money, money! What can I buy, what can I buy?" Otis: And? Pig: Well, look around! Duke's a mummy dog, Freddy's a complete whackjob-- Freddy: BIRTHDAY! Pig: The restaurant is sucking the fun out of our lives, you know? And I'm through with it, I'm gone, goodbye! [leaves the barn] Abby: Well, so much for buying my own Italian soccer team. [Pig is crying that his Grammy's truffle pie recipe is being sold to Max Fripplehoot.] Otis: Okay, look on the bright side, alright? You can still make the pies for us. Max Fripplehoot: Uh, that's a big negatory. You see, once you sign this contract, the recipe is mine. You can never make these pies again. Otis: Never-- make pies-- again? [Otis imagines himself and the gang in a cloudy heaven on floating pies.] Max Fripplehoot: Hey! What in the name of canned ham are you all staring into space for? Otis: Sorry, Fripplehoot, the pie's not for sale. [The animals gasp.] Max Fripplehoot: What the-- Otis: We have something that's worth more than a million bajillion dollars. Max Fripplehoot: A zillion krajillion dollars? Otis: No, our Sunday pie brunches. And we wouldn't give them up for anything. Max Fripplehoot: [flabbergasted] Why, I-- This is outrageous! You'll hear from my lawyers, and by the way, those are the ugliest animal costumes I've ever--[Otis ejects him from the barn] seeeeeeeeeeeeen--! The Right Cow [1.3b] [Otis, Pip and Pig meet a chimpanzee named Bingo, who came from a rocket] Bingo: Oh, yeah. It's a rich full life. The name's Bingo, test chimp #657. Lemme get this straight. Uhh, there's no one around here but us animals? Otis: Yep. The farmer is at his sister's house in Pacoima. So just us. Bingo: Sweet! [Moments later, Bingo finishes fixing the rocket] Bingo: What do you think, Otis? She's all repaired and ready to go. Pip: Whoa, no way! Otis can't fly this thing; he can barely drive a stick. Otis: Pip, relax. It's just a simulated flight. I mean, you know, Bingo wouldn't put his top test cow in any kind of danger. Bingo: Simulated. Yeah, you took these words right out of my mouth. [takes a control device from his spacesuit] Oh, oh, oh, and by the way, one little thing. It's not! [presses a button, trapping Otis and Pip inside the rocket] Otis: What? Hey, what's going on? We're trapped! Bingo: That's right, cud boy, I'm sending you into orbit. Of course, there's no biggie for someone with your vast space experience. Pip: Ground Control to Major Monkey. He lied! Otis: We were nice to you. We said you could stay with us and some of us licked you. Why are you doing this? Bingo: Because I spent my whole life taking orders from humans. And I'm not about to start taking them from a cow. Any-moo, ten, nine, other numbers, blast off! [presses another button on the control device and the rocket lifts off, causing Otis and Pip to scream] [hooting] That's the last time we're ever going to hear from Otis the Daring Space Cow. [Abby and the others run over to him] Abby: Bingo, what's going on? Pig: What happened to Otis and Pip? Bingo: I sent your leader and his little-rat friend on a one-way trip. You're all taking orders from me now. [In space, the rocket orbits above Earth.] Otis: I can't believe I let that backstabbing monkey do this to us! [looks through the window] But still, it looks amazing up here. Pip: I'll cherish this moment 'til I die, which should be in about 15 minutes! Otis: Pip, Pip, calm down. Remember, the responsible astronaut never panics. Pip: Can they soil themselves? 'Cause that ship has sailed. Bingo: [after Otis and Pip landed the rocket] Good job, Otis, you passed the evaluation! [laughs] You know I was just testing you, wasn't I? Otis: Really. You know, I got a little test for you. [Later] Bingo: [meeting his defeat] This isn't over, cow! I'll be back! You ought to wish you never had! [Pip presses the button on the control device, and the rocket launches up] Ugh! It smells like wet cow in here. Episode 4 Saving Mrs. Beady [1.4a] Otis: Alright, Abby, you ready for your first driving lesson? Abby: I sure am. Otis: Good. Now, the most important thing you wanna remember- Abby: What's this button do? [presses the button] Otis: Well, those are the windshield wipers. Abby: Ooh! What's this? [honks the horn] Otis: Shhhh, Mrs. Beady will hear you! Pig: Can you crank the A/C? My thighs are stickin' to the seat. Abby: Hey, what if I punch this real hard? Otis: Don't-! [Abby punches the dashboard, inflating a massive airbag that traps the animals inside as it sticks out through the windows.] Freddy: AAAH! The car's inflating its giant stink sack! Peck: Hang on, I got it. [deflates the bag] Freddy: Okay, Otis, she's hotwired and ready to go. Otis: Nice job, buddy. Alright, Abby. Now put 'er in reverse, and give 'er some gas. Abby: You got it! I'll try not to hit Mrs. Beady. Otis: See, that's great. You're already thinking defensively. That's the first sign of a good-- All: MRS. BEADY?!! [The animals have crashed Mrs. Beady's car and have run away just as the police show up.] Mrs. Beady: Officer, thank goodness you're here! Officer Fred: Alright, hands in the air, speed racer! Mrs. Beady: But... this wasn't my fault. It was the talking barn animals. Officer Fred: Just calm down, sir! [speaking into his P.A.] Yeah, Gertie, I got another guest for the hoo-hoo house. Yeah, huh-huh. Real bag of pistachios. [walks up to Mrs. Beady] Okay, lady. Let's you and me take a little trip. Mrs. Beady: I'm telling you, there were barn animals in my back seat! Officer Fred: [guides Mrs. Beady to his car] Yeah, yeah, tell everything to the nice ice cream men. Mrs. Beady: What?! I don't like ice cream! Take your strong, firm hands off me! I want a lawyer! Barn Animals: [singing] Good riddance, Mrs. Beady! Good riddance, Mrs. Beady! Good riddance, Mrs. Beady-y-y-y-y-y...! Otis: [singing] You nosy meddlesome crank! [The animals cheer.] Otis: This is one sweet deal. We get some much needed "us" time, and Mrs. Beady gets to make macaroni bracelets at Camp Drools-A-Lot. [The animals laugh.] Freddy: [worried] Oh, sure. If as she doesn't mind the straitjackets, the padded cells, the burly nurses force-feeding you applesauce... Otis: What? Freddy, what are you talking about? Freddy: And don't get me started about the shock therapy! Zzz-ding! Zzz-ding! Soup's on! Otis: Ah, stop! What do you mean? Shock therapy? Why would anyone do that to her? Pip: Otis, she said talking animals crashed her car. That sounds crazy to me, and I'm a talking animal. Freddy: Zzz-ding! Otis: This is awful, and it's all our fault. Mrs. Beady may be annoying, but she's still our friend. Neighbor. Well, lady. Alright, organism. It doesn't matter! We are breaking her out of Camp Hoo-Hoo! [the other animals look disappointed] Alright, after we eat the cake. [The animals cheer.] Pig: Hey, Freddy, this place isn't that bad. I mean, look, there's fresh fruit and TVs in every room. Freddy: Oh, sure. First, they soften you up, then ZAP! They screw you into a light socket and use you read by! Zzz-ding! The Farmer Takes a Woman [1.4b] Farmer: [missing his late wife] I'm not gonna cry... Yes, I am... [bawls hysterically] Otis: [writing personal advertisement for the Farmer] "Gloomy farmer seeks anyone with pulse." Alright, that could use some punching up. Pip: Tell 'em he's rich. The ladies love the cheddar. Otis: Good. Okay. [writing] "Rich... farmer." Abby: And he's gotta be brawny. Otis: [writing] "Rich, beefcakey farmer." Pig: Yeah, but don't say "farmer", say... [writing] "exploding lion tamer." Abby: More beefcake! Ooh, ooh, and say he has a pony! [writing] Has a pony... Otis: Okay, let me read it back to you. "[gibberish] ...seven number sign glarb." Man, I wish we had fingers! Pip: I can do it. [jumps on the keyboard] There, what do you think? Otis: [reading] Wealthy, agricultural mogul with body of a Teutonic god wants to share his heart with you. [Everybody likes it.] Otis: I can't believe no one's responded yet. Peck: Now, now, Otis, you can't expect a miracle to just zoom up out of nowhere. [The Farmer's date, Ivana Sugardaddy, arrives in her car.] Freddy: [looks up into the sky with his hands out] You can't expect a plate of boneless chicken to just drop out of nowhere! ...I'M WAITING! Pip: Check it out. That's the sixth night in a row they've been out together. Otis: And you know what that means. Pig: Their next date is free with the purchase of a large soda? Otis: No. It means that the Saturday night party train is pulling back into the station! All aboard! [Otis turns the switch on, starting the party. He dances in a conga line with the other animals.] Otis: Otis wants to part-ay! Abby likes to part-ay! Pig, he is so pork-ay! Ferret, he likes satay! [All stuck in the chicken coop] Pig: Gotta say, not too crazy about the new digs. Otis: I don't know. I kind of like it. It gives the chance to really know each other, like the various meats of a hoagie. Otis: Alright, buddy, you're doing great. Now, tomorrow, you tell her you're taking her on a cruise to Pastafazoolistan. She gets on board, you don't, and it's sayanora, she-witch! Pig: Okay, Otis. But shouldn't I lead her on a little while longer? Otis: Longer, what? How much longer? How much time do you need? Pig: I don't know. You know, eight months. Just to really seal the deal, what do you think? Otis: Oh, no, no, no, no! I don't believe it! You've fallen in love with her! Pig: Fallen in love? Are you kidding? You're kidding, right? Oh, do you honestly think in a million years, I could ever... [cries] Yes! It's true! I love her! Otis: Pig! Pig: But, I... I can't help it! She's the most captivating woman I've ever met! Otis: She's the only woman you've ever met! Pig: I know! But she's the one, Otis. I knew it the moment I saw her eat a 5-pound steak in four chews. Wow! What a babe! Otis: Pig, let me explain the problem with this relationship as I see it. How do I put this delicately? Oh, yes. YOU'RE A PIG! Now, can we please get back to reality here?! Episode 5 Hypno-A-Go-Go [1.5a] [Otis watches a boxing film, eyes on the watch as he swings it left to right, and then hypnotizes himself] Otis: Oh, watch. It's just you and me. And I'm not letting you out of my sight. Why would I? I mean you're so round and pretty and shiny and... [hypnotized] ...wavy Boxing coach: Now listen up kid. You got to do exactly what I say. Otis: Do exactly what you say. Boxing coach: You've got Farmer on the ropes. He's ready to fall. When you hear the bell, destroy Farmer. Otis: When I hear the bell, destroy farmer. DESTROY FARMER! [falls to sleep] Pip: Hey, he's cured! Pig: Uh, never say "cure" to a pig. Otis: Farmer! I can't believe you're not butter! I promise I'll never fool with hypnotism again. Farmer: [freaked out] Talking cow! Otis: Maybe this one last time. [swings the watch in front of the farmer] Farmer: [hypnotized] Pretty watch... Fowl Play [1.5b] Otis: Freddy! Peck! Where are you guys? Pig's gonna eat your breakfast! Pig: Uh, oh... Actually, uh... Otis: Pig ate your breakfast! Abby: I'm worried, Otis. They've been out all night. I bet they're cold, and hungry, and have terrible morning breath. Episode 6 Barnyard Games [1.6a] Duke: Abby, tell us how you come by your amazing athletic talent. Abby: Well, gosh, Duke. I grew up with 18 older brothers who used to clobber me all the time, then one day, I just kinda decided... THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN! Is this on TV? Because I'm a little camera shy. [Otis and Abby are hanging from a cliff.] Otis: See?! I'm being nice even though you've been trying to make me look bad since these games began! Abby: What?! I only entered these stupid games 'cause I thought it would be fun to spend time with you guys! Otis: Oh, really? Well, I only invited you, so you'd feel welcome in the barnyard! Abby: Well, I only... Wait. For real? 'Cause, uh... You know it did make me feel welcome. Otis: Well... Good, then. So I guess we're done arguing. War of the Pranks [1.6b] [Most of the animals have fallen for Otis' crop circle prank.] Otis: That's right! Run from the aliens! [laughs] Run before they suck out your brains and make smoothies with them! Pig: Brain smoothies, huh? Do they use sherbert or frozen yogurt? Otis: So, Bessy, I bet you're totally freaked out by these crop circles, huh? Bessy: Well, judging by the bits of cornstalk still stuck to your hooves, I say you made those crop circles. Otis: What? That's ridiculous! Bessy: And from the bruises on Pig, I say you probably rolled Pig around like a steamroller to do it. Am I right? Pig: I got these bruises at a carnival. Bessy: And I bet he puked on Pip. Pig: Did I? [Pip shudders, looking at Pig's filthy mouth, then runs away screaming] Wait! Come back! Did I? Freddy: I was born to pull ropes on cue. Peck: I was born with this freckle. Otis: When Bessie steps right on that spot, a rope will tighten around her ankle, then, she'll get spun around, squirted with lemon juice, and then, that basket of apples will fall all over her! [hysterical] Then, she'll get zipped out that window, AND SMASH INTO THE TREE, BEHIND THE OUTHOUSE! It's hilarious, even just talking about it. [laughs] Pip: You've stopped sleeping, haven't you? Otis: Yeah, it's been about three days. [Bessy is seemingly about to have her brain harvested.] Otis: Wait, wait, wait, don't do it! Please, she's our friend. Pip: She's the love of my life. We're going to have beautiful cow-mouse babies together. Bessy: Hmm? [shakes her head] Mm-mm! Otis: And she's a good person. I mean, sure, she yells a lot, and she insults me, like, 24/7, and snores like a sailor, and... Pip: Ahem! Otis: But we still like her is the point. I don't want to be on the farm without her. "Alien": You convinced me! Your brain, it is! Episode 7 Lights! Camera! Moo! [1.7a] Otis: Watch how a softer diffusion of light can completely change the--[the projector falls apart and crashes to the floor] Oh, that's the opposite of good. Duke: Otis, what did you do?! You ruined the safety film! [The animals cheer.] Freddy: [panics] NO SAFETY FILM?! NO SAFETY FILM?! WE'LL NEVER BE SAFE AGAIN!!! [Freddy steps on a rake that smacks him in the face. He pulls on a rope, dropping a heavy hay bale on him. He stumbles out of the barn, then gets trampled by a herd of elephants.] Freddy: [pained] Medic. Otis: Guys, it's no big deal. We can make a safety film ten times better than that stink burger. In fact, I'm gonna make the film myself. Bessy: You? I got ticks with more talent than you. Otis: Oh, really? Did any of those ticks direct the classic home movie, "Mr. Pig Visits the Outhouse"? [Most of the other animals boo.] Abby: Boo, hated it! Pig: Hey, I liked it. Duke: Okay, here's the deal. I have one parachute, but I figure, if we all--[Freddy snatches the parachute from him] Freddy: So long, suckers! [leaps out the barn, but is spun around the tornado screaming; then he is thrown back into the barn, smashing through a beam] A little help, suckers? Otis: Turn off the fan! Pip: [unable to hear Otis over the fan's noise] What?! Otis: Turn off the big fan! Pip: Of course, I'm your biggest fan! These creative types are so insecure. Otis: [watching a safety film, showing him getting hurt] Bravo! Bravo! Bessy: Ah, zip it and eat your popcorn. [iris out to black] Otis: Jealous. [Bessy is heard hitting him] Ow! Animal Farmers [1.7b] [Freddy imagines himself working at a cafe.] Freddy: [pressing buttons on the coffee machine] Okay, so that's a half-caf, extra hot... Customer: Quarter-caf, semi-hot. Freddy: [nervous] Ex-quarter-hot, extra-half... Customer: Quarter-caf, semi-hot, extra foam. Freddy: Extra foam, extra half... Customer: [irritated] Extra foam! Freddy: [hysterical] EXTRA FOAM, SEMI-HOT, CAF QUARTER!!! [screams as the machine sprays foam on him] Farmer: Tractor go boom. [The Farmer is sent to the hospital from the tractor accident.] Otis: This is terrible! What have I done?! Bessy: Well, let's review. You interrupted Peck's yoga class, did a lame Stumpity Joe impression, and... oh, right. YOU BROKE THE FARMER!!! [The animals have decided to do chores for the farmer.] Pip: We're in a lot of trouble, aren't we? Otis: Yeah, a lot of trouble. [At the milking machine...] Abby: You go first. Bessy: No way, you go first. Otis: So, how are we doing on the milk, gals? [sees empty buckets] What? What's going on? We should be snorkeling in milk by now. Bessy: Look, no one but the farmer is clamping any electric doohickeys to my milk-giving areas. Otis: Bessy, my bashful bovine, it couldn't be safer. Here, let me demonstrate. [fits the hose on his udders] Put these on... Pip: Otis, that's not how it looks in the instructions. Otis: Relax, I've seen the farmer do this, like, a hundred times. Okay, turn it on, turn it on. Pip: Okay, you're the boss. [turns the dial, turning the machine on] Otis: Mm-hm. Oh, it's quite, pleasant, actually. It's like a gentle tug. [chuckles, then starts to feel uncomfortable] Okay, slightly less gentle now. [yells in pain] AAH, OH! MY UDDERS... ARE... ON... FIRE!!! Pip: [mishearing Otis saying "fire"] Higher? You got it! [turns the dial up higher] [Otis screams hysterically in pain and tries to pull the hose off of his udders.] Otis: [shrilly] TURN IT OFF!!! [Otis yanks the hose off of his udders and he falls to the floor. Pip turns down the dial, turning off the machine.] Otis: [moans in pain] Bessy: [laughs] That is one funny milking machine! [Otis has turned skinny from being milked too much.] Otis: [high voice] Guys, I'm gonna need some private time. [crawls across the floor] [Pig has eaten all the corn.] Pig: [weakly] Otis... Strange dream... Music... Corn everywhere. [his stomach gurgles and he groans] I don't feel well... Otis: [sighs in disappointment] Freddy: It probably isn't digested yet! We can still use it! [jumps on Pig's stomach] GIVE US BACK THAT CORN, YOU PINK CORN-GOBBLING BLIMP! [Pip comes to Otis' stall.] Pip: Otis, come quick! The-- [sees Otis packing his things] What are you doing? Otis: Running off to join the rodeo. Figure I'll rent myself out as a roping steer, and you know, send back whatever money I can to pay off the farm. Pip: You know what else will pay off the farm? The gazillions of eggs the hens are laying right now! Otis: [brightens up] As we say in the rodeo, "yee-haw!" [The chickens have laid many eggs from being fed an energy drink made by the animals.] Otis: Now that is what I call a grade A... [the egg blows up in his face] Ummm, what did you put exactly in the energy drink? Bessy: Yogurt. Peck: Vitamins. Abby: Love. Otis: And? Freddy: [holding red sticks] And pepper! Otis: [grabs the red sticks from Freddy] Those aren't pepper shakers. That's dynamite! Episode 8 Raging Cow [1.8a] Otis: [singing over a montage of his wrestling matches] They say it's over, oh, but they're all wrong. 'Cause it's never-ending, 'til you hear the gong! Otis, you're the best, you're on top, you're gonna go all the way, you'll never stop! Otis, you're the best, you'll always win. Overcoming an obstacle, you're the wizard of winning... [stops singing at the end of the montage] What, you guys never heard that one? Otis: [dizzy from being punched by his bull opponent] I am but a humble breadmaker. Otis: [standing up to his bull opponent] Okay, fella, I may not be, you know, a real wrestler, but... but you and that boss of yours made one big mistake. You messed with my friends. Prepare for a bovine blizzard! Otis: I am so a real wrestler, in your face! [blows raspberry] The Great Sheep Escape [1.8b] Duke: Alright, sheep, it's bear season. You know what that means. Sheep 1: Exercise caution and stay within the perimeter of the farm? Duke: No, no, it means I gotta rub you down with salmon to disguise your scent. Come on, line up. Sheep 2: But Duke, that makes no sense. Sheep 3: Yeah. Fish forms a substantial part of a bear's basic diet. Duke: You see, that's the kind of fancy college talk that attracts bears, mister. Otis: Hey-hey, Duke, old buddy! We need a fifth for poker, and you're a complete suck-- I mean, I'm gonna take your money-- Hey, I mean, you know, words are weird. Pip: [after winning the poker game] Wow, Duke, I play with a lot of great poker players, and you're not one of them! Duke: [reading a note left by the sheep] Dear Duke, you vacuous, simpering moron. Pip: Hey, you're not vacuous! Duke: Our mental superiority makes it impossible to tolerate your... idiotic leadership? Goodbye for-e-e-e-e-e-e-ver. Otis: Duke's family, I mean, he's like the crazy uncle we never had. Abby: Right... I never had a crazy uncle. [Flashback to a younger Abby with her crazy uncle.] Abby's Crazy Uncle: The Easter Bunny has betrayed me! We'll have to close the beaches! You can't close the beaches, we're a summer town! GET THESE TURTLES OUTTA MY HEAD, PLEASE! And, Lindy! [dances and scats] [Pig, Freddy, and Peck are disguised as sheep.] Farmer: Morning, sheep. Freddy: Baa. Peck: Baa. Pig: Eh, bee-ee-ee. No, uh... Boo-oo-oo. Farmer: Sounds like a case of the nervous woolies. [drags Pig away] This calls for drastic measures. Pig: Uh... Bonsai! Bloopity! Bollywood! Pig: [left in a massage chair by the Farmer] Oh, hi, guys! Sweet massage chair, huh? I recommend the "oggita-oggita-oggita" setting. Pip: Welp, there's the glue factory. I told you I knew where it was. Duke: This ain't the glue factory. It looks like a train station. Pip: Uh, it's a train station slash glue factory. Episode 9 The Big Barnyard Broadcast [1.9a] Mrs. Beady: And when the world sees this tape on the Goraldo show, everyone will finally know that I'M NOT CRAZY! [chuckles] I'm not a... you know, a nut roll. I'm not a... kooky cuckoo-cuckoo coco! Bessy: [to Otis, about Mrs. Beady] Nice going, dum-dum. 'Cause of you, we're all gonna have to move to the Yukon! Freddy: I can't move to the Yukon! I'll be devoured by grizzly bears! Pip: Eh, the wolverines'll probably get you first. Otis: Good point. Freddy: Oh. Still, I hate moving. Goraldo: There it is, viewers. Barn animals walking upright and talking trash. Mrs. Beady: The rooster and the ferret are best friends, Goraldo, the girl cow's kinda fresh if you ask me, and don't get me started on the wisecracking mouse. Goraldo: By my lush and corpulent mustache, this is astounding! Mrs. Beady: [stuck in a split in the exercise tape] NATHAN! GET THE JAWS OF LIFE! [After Otis switched out the tape showing the animals with Mrs. Beady's exercise tape.] Goraldo: [stammering] There were talking animals on that tape, I swear. Mrs. Beady: That's what they do, Goraldo. They spin their little webs and make you look like the crazy one. Goraldo: [hysterical] Ladies and gentlemen, you have to believe me! Otis: Well, it appears that Goraldo's lack of talent has finally bitten him in the face like a poisonous snake of failure. Goraldo: Th-the cow is their leader! There's a wisecracking mouse! The ferret and the rooster live together! Cameraman: [at the door with two asylum officers] He's over there. Goraldo: [the asylum officers take him away] I'm not insane! The talking animals are here! THEY'RE HERE! Otis: Well, there you have it, folks. A mustache, a dancy-pants lady, and a broken dream. This has been Hard Time with Gil O'Whatever-I-Said-Before. Good night, wishing you hugs and chocolate. Freddy: Shing-ding-bloopy! Dead Cow Walking [1.9b] Pip: [telling a scary story] And some say, when the moon is full, or really close to full... You know, like those times when you go, "Hey, look, it's a full moon," and somebody else goes, "No, man, it's not totally full. See the edge?" And you're like, whatever, dude, I can see the whole moon! Otis: Pip, please. Pip: Oh, right. When the moon is pretty much full, you can still hear the shrieks of her helpless victims. [The other animals, except Otis, react in fear to Pip's story.] Pip: And that's why I hate veterinarians. Otis: Pip, would you stop scaring them? I mean, you've never even been to the veterinarian. Pip: Hey, I've never been hit by a meteor either, but I know it hurts. Pig: Well, uh, enjoy your check-ups, folks, uh, I'll be in Guatemala. Duke: Right behind you. Freddy: This veterinarian madwoman will KILL US ALL!!! Otis: Guess I'm first. Check it out, guys, won't even break a sweat. Pip: There goes one brave cow. Dr. Glove: Oh, aren't you a big sweetie Okay honey, I'm just going to do a little looky-loo, yeah, that's all. [snaps glove suggestively] Mm-hm. Otis: Moo? [wails in pain as animals watch on in horror] Otis: I... I've only got a week to live? Abby: Oh, my goodness, Otis. I am so sorry. Otis: But... That's impossible. I feel fine. Although, you know, I've been getting a little tired around bedtime lately, and I seem to lose my appetite after heavy meals, and dry grass has really lost its flavor-- OH, MILK ME, IT'S TRUE! I'M DYING! [runs away sobbing] Pip: Boy, dying really seems to bum him out. Freddy: How will we survive without Otis?! Duke: Don't worry, Freddy. When the sad day comes, I'll take over as the leader. [Beat.] Freddy: HOW WILL WE SURVIVE WITHOUT OTIS?! [sobs] Mr. Beady: I'm home, Nora. Please be normal. Otis: I don't understand. And I've done everything I've always dreamed of. Swum with dolphins, grown a goatee, brought peace to the Baltic nations, married an ice cream cone, I directed a reality show, I was a sad clown in a French circus. Why do I still feel empty inside? [On the railroad track near Otis, the pizza twins ride in on a handcar.] Pizza Twin #1: Oh, yeah, bro! [Otis gasps and drops on all fours as the twins stop their handcar.] Pizza Twin #1: Dude, we forgot to go to work today. Pizza Twin #2: Dude, we got fired a week ago! Pizza Twin #1: Aaa... awesome! Pizza Twins: Doodly-doodly-doo-doo! [resume riding the handcar] Pizza Twin #2: So totally! We're pumpin'! We're pumpin'! Otis: [gets back on his feet] How could have I been so blind? Life's not about the stupid stuff you do. It's about the stupid stuff you do with your friends. I'm comin' guys! I'm comin'! [The pizza twins come back on their handcar, riding away from a speeding train as they scream.] Bessie: [sighs] I'm glad you're not dead. Duke: And we aren't leaving your side until you get better pal. [Someone honks a car horn] Pip: Dr. Glove is back! [The animals scatter] Dr. Glove: Hey, sweetie, how's my big sweetie, okay? I'm just going to do a little check poo. [snaps glove suggestively] Otis: Moo? [begins screaming hysterically off camera] Episode 10 Otis Season [1.10a] Bessy: [seeing Otis and Pip wearing moose antlers] I've heard of Donner and Blitzen, but nobody told me about Moron and Stupidhead! Otis: [riding on a motorcycle shocked about himself and Pip being mistaken for real moose by bikers] What the cud? Didn't they see we're moose? We're moose! Pip: [trying to get Otis' attention] Uh-- Uh, Otis. I think Moose Appreciation Week might be over. Otis: What are you talking about? Pip: [points out a billboard] Check out that sign. Otis: Moose Hunting Season starts today? AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Otis: [after crashing the motorcycle] Okay, that was not awesome. New plan. We get these antlers off, and never do anything I say again. [Otis and Pip try to remove the antlers, but they remain firmly to their heads.] Otis: What'd you put on these, glue? Pip: No, I used pastrami. OF COURSE, I USED GLUE, STUPIDHEAD!!! Snotty Boy: [walking with his friends and is disappointed at them for losing Otis and Pip after chasing them] I can't believe you guys lost them. You're both, like, lamer, lamer, loser face. Boy 1: We were just following you. Snotty Boy: [mocks one of his friends] ”Ooh, we were just following you.” That's so lame, it's incredibly lame. Lucky for you, I have stuper-awesome moose-tracking powers. Snotty Boy: Ooh, got a little problem. I have you now, stupid moose. Your majestic antlers will look so sweet and toasty on my clubhouse wall. [a giant wooden moose appears behind Snotty Boy when he isn't looking] Bessy: [who is revealed to be inside the wooden moose] I don't think so! [Snotty Boy looks behind as the wooden moose stops him from terrorizing Otis and Pip] Step away from my moose friends before I smack you upside the head! [Abby giggles] Snotty Boy: A giant devil moose? Don't eat me! Bessy: Don't worry. I wouldn't dream of eating you-- raw! [The wooden moose breathes fire through its nostrils and scares away Snotty Boy and the barn animals cheer.] Otis: Man, that was classic. I guess we won't be seeing him again anytime soon. [Duke is holding binoculars] Duke: You could say that again. He's about to be run over by a car. Otis: [Shocked] What? We can't let him get killed. He's just a kid. [Snotty Boy is running on a road without realizing a car is about to run over him] Snotty Boy: Giant man-eating moose! [A couple drives on the open road and they notice Snotty Boy and scream in shock and Snotty Boy and Otis also scream in shock] [Otis is being honored for saving Snotty Boy's life.] Mayor: And so, in honor of this noble moose, who risked his life for a child, I hereby abolish Moose Hunting Season and make it Moose Appreciation Week all year long! [Otis and Pip are eating candy from their gift basket, while Abby, Bessy, Pig, Peck, and Duke are still inside the giant wooden moose.] Otis: Man, this candy's good, isn't it? Duke: Yeah, glad to hear it, Otis. Now, can you get us out of here, please? There's only one exit, and Pig's stuck in it. Pig: This is so not shaboogie. Abby: Shaboopie! Otis: Uh, don't worry about it. Freddy'll have you out in no time. [Freddy passes by with a ladder. He climbs up the wooden moose with the ladder.] Freddy: Okay, guys. This is my first moose, so close your eyes, pretend you're in a pencil cup, [holds up a chainsaw] and hope for the best! [starts cutting through the moose as the animals inside scream in horror] Cow's Night Out [1.10b] Otis: [singing in jail] Well, I ditched my good friends. Didn't think that was cool. Took up with some cows. Now, I'm feeling a fool. I got the "ditched my real friends for supposedly cooler ones, but then ironically was ditched by them, and now I'm stuck in jail" blues! Mercy. Episode 11 Big Top Barnyard [1.11a] [Otis and the animals are at the circus parade, standing behind the crowd of people.] Otis: This stinks, I can't see a thing! [notices a water tower] Hey, let's climb that water tower and get a better view. [The animals mutter with uncertainty.] Abby: I can see fine from here. Freddy: Too high. [Otis sneaks behind the other animals, and imitates each of them.] Otis: [imitates Pig] Good idea, Otis. [imitates Abby] Count me in! [imitates Freddy] I WANNA EAT PECK!!! [imitates Peck] What Freddy said was weird, but I also would like to climb that tower. [The animals agree and head to the water tower.] Pig: Well, since everyone else wants to. Pip: I'm down. Peck: Let's do it. Freddy: You got it! Abby: I'm in. [The animals are climbing the water tower.] Otis: [grunts] Just a little bit higher, guys. [A loud, low creaking noise is heard as the water tower shakes.] Otis: Pig? Pig: Yeah. Otis: Tell me that's your stomach. Pig: Uh, it's not me. Otis: Milk me. [The water tower tips over. The animals scream as they fall off. The water tower crashes on the circus parade.] Otis: Oh no, I smushed the circus! [The crowd hears Otis, and turn around. They see the animals on all fours.] Abby: Moo. Pig: Oink, oink. Peck: Cock-a-doodle... eh, doo. Freddy: Ferret, ferret! Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish, translated] I suspect that perhaps a white cow with black spots used fabric shears to extract the ponytail from my head! Abby: Otis, I need to talk to you for a minute. Otis: You got it, star performer, without whom, we have no show! Abby: Otis, I can't do the triple flipperoo. Otis: [shocked] What? But you said you could! Wow, what a liar. Abby: No, I mean, I won't do it. Not after... that terrible night. [looks up] Otis: What's over there? What are you looking at? [A flashback shows Abby performing her trick at circus camp. The crowd chants as she flips in the air.] Crowd: One! Two! Three! [Abby catches the other trapeze, and reaches out to catch her partner, a horse, but she misses, causing the horse to fall.] Horse: Abby... WHYYY...?! [Abby watches in horror as the horse crashes to the ground. Back in the present day...] Abby: And it was all my fault. Otis: Wow. So did he... Abby: Get horribly injured? No. He was okay, though he still smiles at the wrong things. [After Abby panics at the last second of her trapeze practice with Otis.] Otis: Okay, that was SO opposite the plan! I just almost let go, and your loud words would not have prevented the shattering of my many bones! Mrs. Beady: Wait just a minute. That ringmaster is a cow! Offscreen circusgoer: Easy, lady. You ain't no supermodel yourself. Pig: My friends, a warning. Sword swallowing is extremely dangerous to the untrained professional, which is why I will never do it. Instead, I shall now eat this entire tray of egg rolls without the aid of any sauce or dips! Otis: [about to fall from the trapeze with Pig] I'm sorry, Pig. I never should have asked you to do this. Pig: I think we'll be okay as long as we hit the net. Otis: Um... Yeah, listen... Pig: There is no net, is there? Otis: Not really, no. Pigmalion [1.11b] [Pig meets Prince Fripplehoot's pigs, Aubrey and Max.] Max: Look, let's cut this short, shall we? Cousin or not, you're clearly not royal material. Aubrey: Look at his silly little face. Pig: Ah, come on, guys, I'm real sophisticated. Give me a shot. Max: [sighs] Oh, very well. Shall we repair to the mud hole? Pig: Yeah, let's do it. Uh, I mean, uh, after you. Aubrey: Thank you, or should I say... you're a dirty peasant! [he and Max laugh] [Pig takes Aubrey and Max to his pigpen.] Pig: Hey, fellas, check it out! [climbs atop the fence] Pig-a-bunga! [dives in the mud pit, splashing Aubrey and Max with mud, much to their disgust] Max: You've splattered us, you horrible fellow! Pig: What's wrong? Don't you guys like mud diving? Aubrey: Ohhh, I shall have to soak myself in rose water for a week! Duke: Excuse me, gentlemen, Lord Otis sent me over here with some towels. Pig: Ah, thanks, Duke, buddy. Aubrey: "Duke, buddy"? That's what you call the help? Max: Entirely too familiar. Pig: Uh, what I meant to say was... Hey, fleabag! These towels are too poofy! Aubrey: Yes, much better. Max: Quite. Aubrey: Yes. Pig: Hey, work with me, Duke. I think I know how to win these guys over, okay? You butt-sniffing hydrant jockey! This is what I think of your impudence! [whips Duke with the towel] Duke: Whoa! [Aubrey and Max laugh.] Aubrey: Delicious! Max: Flick his bottom, flick it! [Pig continues to whip Duke with the towel.] Max: Flick his bottom! Flick his bottom! Aubrey: Flick it, flick it, flick it, flick it! [Duke falls into the mud pit.] Pig: And that's for making eye contact! Aubrey: He shows promise. Oh, what's next? Max: Ooh! Let's have a round of croquet. Then flick more bottoms! [laughs] Pig: [to Duke] Great job, buddy. [leaves as Duke growls] [Playing croquet.] Freddy: Your mallet, my liege. Pig: Thanks, Freddy. [notices Aubrey and Max] Er... I mean, you stupid weasel! Look at this mallet! It's not even spit-shined! [Aubrey and Max laugh.] Aubrey: Spit-shined. Freddy Uh, right. Terribly sorry. I'll spit on it immediately. Pig: [slaps Freddy with a glove] No, not now, you idiot! It's too late! [Pig strikes the croquet ball, and it hits Peck.] Peck: I'm okay. Pig: Darn, shanked it. [Pig has tea with Aubrey and Max.] Abby: More marmalade, Master Pig? Pig: Thank you, Abby. FYI, you're a doofus! [After Pig lets out a big, loud belch to stop himself from moving to Prince Fripplehoot's castle, Aubrey and Max are aghast.] Max: It's... inhuman. Pig: Okay, you snotty little trolls, let's go to your stupid castle. Max: I'm afraid you're not coming with us. Aubrey: I shan't look at him any longer. I feel faint. Max: There, there, Aubrey. Let us leave this terrible place. [Aubrey and Max push the unconscious Prince Fripplehoot to the limo.] Pig: Guys, come back! Hey, I found a pickle under my third chin! [The limo drives away.] Episode 12 A Barn Day's Night [1.12a] [The canine barbershop trio has gotten lost on their way to the show at the barn.] Dog 1: Way to go, we're totally lost... Dog 2: Yes, because of your stupid directions... Dog 3: You're just a couple of... All: Mooo-ooo-rooons! [Otis and his friends perform in their rock band, the Weevils.] Weevils: It's been a barn day's night And we've been layin' 'round in the mud It's been a barn day's night Yeah, we've been chewin' on our cud But when the milkin' is done We set our udders on fun And start feelin' that it's alright! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! [The morning after the concert.] Otis: Man, last night was a blast. I can practically still hear the crowd chanting our names. Pig: Hey, I practically hear them too. Freddy: Me too! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! [The Farmer sees a crowd of people outside the barn, chanting "Weevils!", as in Otis' band.] Farmer: Weevils? The only bugs I truly fear! To the weevil shelter! Peck: Where have you guys been? We're on live in 20 minutes. Abby: Sorry, Peck. Freddy tossed the limo driver out of the car. Freddy: I told him not to look me in the eye. And would you please refer to me by my new name, this? [shows an abstract symbol on a piece of paper] Abby: [spits out bottled water] What is this?! I specifically requested spring water from a Peruvian glacier. This is from some other dumb glacier! Pig: [enters] Greetings, all. I'd like you to meet my entourage. Goat: 'Sup? Freddy: Hey! How come he gets an entourage?! Abby: Pig, that's not an entourage, that's just an old goat. Pig: Yeah, well, that's one more goat than you got, sweetheart. Abby: I could've gotten a goat. [the three start arguing] I can get a goat! I can get a goat any time... Pig: So go get one. I don't see you getting a goat. Freddy: I repeat, how come... Otis: [enters in a flashy suit, top hat, and sunglasses, speaking in a British accent] Ahem! Hello, mates. Are you all ready for tonight's telly broadcast? Huh? What-what? Big Ben. Fish and chips. Abby: Otis, what are you talking like a pirate for? Pig: And what's with the new clothes? You're gonna upstage everyone! Otis: Sorry, blokes. I can't hear ya. As it turns out, I'm a huge rock star, right on! [Everyone starts arguing as Pip records.] Freddy: Don't look me in the eyes. Pip: Great stuff. Great stuff! [Everyone keeps arguing.] Peck: STOP IT!!! Just look at what success has done to us! [sobs] I thought we were all friends. I thought each of us contributed to our sound. Are you too self-centered to see that stardom... [voice breaking] ...is tearing us apart? Pig: I'm sorry, what do you play again? Otis: [normal voice] It's a thing that makes a noise. Why, it's clangy, is it? Pig: Give us the first letter. Abby: Is it a tuba? Otis: Is it made out of a car? Pip: I can rewind the tape. Abby: Is it bigger than a breadbox? Otis: Oh, it's a breadbox! Peck: [fed up] That's it, I'm outta here! And I'm taking my triangle... with me! Freddy: Oh, I got it! It's a triangle! Pig: Triangle. Oh... Abby: That was it! Otis: Wait! Peck, come on, don't run out on us now! [the door slams] Pig: Those breadbox players are real whackjobs, aren't they? Pip: Expensive, too. Pip: That night, the Weevils played better than they ever played before, then broke up 20 minutes later after arguing over where to have dinner. And where are they all now, you ask? Otis went on to become a United States senator. Abby became an F-16 fighter pilot. Freddy and Peck became co-anchors of a morning radio show in Cleveland. And Pig's the lead singer of a successful boy band. The end. Well, guys, what do you think of my documentary? Otis: Uh, hey buddy, good job. Except I'm fairly certain I'm not a US sentaor. Abby: Yeah, I'm not a fighter pilot. Freddy: And Pig's not in any boy band. Pig: [dressed in hip-hop clothes] Hey, guys, can you keep it down please? I'm trying to rehearse over here. [joins the other members of his band, Duke and the goat, while Everett stands by with a boombox] Okay, boys, from the top. [Everett turns on the boombox.] Pig, Duke, and Goat: [rapping] This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none! And this little piggy cried, [singing] "ooh, baby, ooh, baby, funky baby". Pig: Word. Meet the Ferrets [1.12b] Otis: You haven't seen your parents in 12 years? How come? Freddy: Huh? No reason! I don't have some deep, dark secret I've been keeping from you for years, if that's what you're thinking! [everyone else stares at him in confusion] Stop looking at me! [runs off screaming] All: Happy birthday, Freddy! Freddy: You guys, you shouldn't have! Otis: Don't be silly, Freddy. You're family. Oh, and speaking of family, we invited your parents and they're gonna be here any minute! Freddy: [horrified] AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Abby: Wow, he really is surprised! Freddy: Otis, my parents can NOT come here! You have to uninvite them! Otis: Uninvite--? Freddy, they totally miss you. They can't wait to see you. Freddy: [sobs] No, you don't understand! They're not like you and me! Abby: Oh, now, everybody thinks their parents are a little weird, Freddy. Mine put ketchup on their hay. Pig: Yeah, and mine think leprechauns are stealing their gold. Otis: You see? Pig's parents are stupid and crazy. Pig: Oh, you know it. Pig: [seeing Freddy hug his parents] Awww, how come we never group hug? Pip: 'Cause nobody wants to touch you. Pig: You're shallow. [Freddy has shooed all the hens out of the henhouse to keep his parents from eating them.] Otis: [unaware of Freddy's intentions] Freddy, what are you doing?! You know I don't like letting the hens out where predators could eat them! Freddy: You're right! That would be terrible! [to his parents] Terribly delicious. [to Otis] Oh, why won't those predators leave our poor chick-chicks alone... [to his parents] ...with us, so we can eat them. [to Otis] 'Cause you know how I love to eat chic-- [pauses, then runs away screaming] [After Freddy has interrupted his parents' slideshow by smashing the projector.] Otis: Alright, Freddy, you got 10 seconds to explain why you're acting like such a blockhead! Freddy: [sighs] I should have known I couldn't keep it a secret any longer. [picks up one of the slides] This is a traditional holiday dinner. Otis: [looks at the slide] Yeah, so? It's just you and your folks sitting down to a delicious meal of--AAH, ROASTED ANIMAL!!! [shudders] Freddy: Now do you get it?! My parents are freakish, deviant meat-eaters! Otis: Can't believe it. They seemed so nice. Freddy: Yeah, when they're not gorging on anything with gizzards and a beak! That's why I never told them about Peck. Otis: [to the sheep] Guys, guys, have any of you seen Peck? Sheep 1: He just left. Sheep 2: Just now with your parents. Otis: What?! Freddy: Oh, no! They're gonna put him in the oven and baste him every 10 minutes until golden brown! [calmly] Then, a pinch of brown sugar to taste. For crispier skin, try rotating halfway through cooking time, and for-- Otis: Uh, you wanna stop that? Freddy: [back to panicking] I mean, we gotta save him! Peck: Your parents are great, Fred! They were just giving me the most wonderful steam bath. Freddy: Actually, Peck, they were about to cook you and eat you. Peck: Well, sure. They were about to--[yells in shock] WITH THE COOKING AND THE EATING!!! Mr. Ferret: Son, why are you calling tonight's dinner "Peck"? Freddy: Guys, I have something to tell you. Otis: Freddy... Freddy: It's okay, Otis. I'm done lying. Mom, Dad, Peck isn't dinner. He's my best friend. And I'm not a voracious chicken-eater! I'm a vegetarian! [his parents gasp] And if you can't deal with that, then I say good day, sir! And Mrs. Sir. Mr. Ferret: [angrily] Frederick, get over here right NOW... [warmly] ...and give your old man a hug. Freddy: [hugs his father] You mean, you're not ashamed of me? Mrs. Ferret: [warmly] Oh, honey, of course we are. Mr. Ferret: [still warmly] Ashamed and disgraced. Mrs. Ferret: And don't forget humiliated. Mr. Ferret: We'll probably have to change our names. Mrs. Ferret: And I'm sure our neighbors will pelt us with trash. Mr. Ferret: I know I would. Mrs. Ferret: But as long as you're happy, dear, I guess we could learn to live with it. Mr. Ferret: I suppose we owe your friend an apology. Sorry we almost ate you, Peck. Peck: Ah, I can't stay mad at you guys. Freddy: Group hug! [hugs his parents and Peck] Otis: Okay, whoa, whoa, just whoa! Hold up. [to Freddy] Your parents eat farm animals, [to Freddy's parents] your kid is a vegetarian, [to Peck] your best friend's parents just tried to EAT you, AND YOU'RE ALL COOL WITH THAT?! Freddy: Uh-huh. Peck: Yep. Mrs. Ferret: Sure are! Mr. Ferret: Pretty much. Otis: Sweet, just checkin'. Episode 13 A Tale of 2 Snottys [1.13a] Snotty Boy: Hi, uncle. You readin' the paper? Mr. Beady: [to himself] Don't move. They can't see you if you don't move. Snotty Boy: [steals Mr. Beady's newspaper] Huh? How's this page? [rips up Mr. Beady's newspaper] Is this a good article? How about this one? Heh? [sees a ship in a bottle next to the TV] Ohhhh! [picks up the bottle] Are you building a ship? Mr. Beady: [frantic] No! That took me three days-- Snotty Boy: Tidal wave! [drops the bottle, and it shatters] Mr. Beady: [groans] Snotty Boy: You're boring! They should call you Mr. Boring! I'm gonna go play with the animals next door, Mr. Boring! Mrs. Beady: Okay, I got your drinks--[Snotty Boy has left; to Mr. Beady] What did you say to him?! Mr. Beady: Aww... Freddy: [after Snotty Boy has woken up with amnesia] Oh, he's seen us! He'll tell others! We'll all be sold on the internet! [Pig - disguised as Snotty Boy - has seen an amnesiac Snotty Boy at the door.] Mrs. Beady: Did I hear someone at the door? Pig: [blocking the door] No, no! What door? We don't have any doors. Mrs. Beady: [moves Pig aside] Oh, don't you be such a little silly-willy-billy-dilly-billy. [opens the door] Snotty Boy: Good afternoon, ma'am. The nice theater troupe man said I'm your nephew. Mrs. Beady: Sweetums, why are you outside, when you are standing right next to me? [sees Pig] AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Pig: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Snotty Boy: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Mrs. Beady: WAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Pig: Auntie Nora, he's clearly an imposter. He's probably one of those talking animals from next door in disguise. Mrs. Beady: Yes. That's the only explanation. He's not even wearing proper clothes. [to Snotty Boy] Get out of here, you camel or whatever you are. Scoot, or I'll call the police! GET OUT!!! [shuts out Snotty Boy] Snotty Boy: Sorry to have troubled you! Have a nice day! Mr. Beady: When a bird and a bee love each other very much, they get married. Pretty soon, the bird starts losing her mind and seeing talking animals everywhere, and the bee... Oh, the poor bee, is left sitting in a chair all night, trying to remember what life was like before he died inside. [While Snotty Boy - who got his memory back - and Pig fight, Pig saves Mr. Beady from being hit by his repaired ship in a bottle.] Mrs. Beady: [to Pig] You're the imposter! My Eugene would never risk his life to save that lump! Pig: But, Auntie, I... [Mrs. Beady throws him out, much to Mr. Beady's dismay] Snotty Boy: Bye, stupid kid who looks like me! Mrs. Beady: Oh, Nathan, isn't it wonderful? We have the real Eugene back again. Mr. Beady: Ohhh! It hurts! It hurts so bad! Snotty's New Pet [1.13b] Otis: [gets a notification on his phone] Oh, hey, it's a text message, from Pip. [reads the text message] "B-H-P, &, S-B-B, sad face". [confused] Huh? Abby: I speak text. He says he's being held prisoner in Snotty Boy's bedroom. Otis: Snotty Boy. I should've guessed. [Otis gets another notification on his phone.] Otis: Oh, hang on. There's more. "G-T-P-T-A"? Abby: He says ”Give the phone to Abby!” Otis: [confused] Huh? [Abby sees another text message from Pip and gasps] Abby: Otis, that kid's trying to feed him to a snake! We got to do something! Otis: We will, Abby. Barnyard Strike Force, deploy! [Otis gets a notification on his phone and miniature toast pops out] Otis: Ooh, tiny toast is done. Who wants tiny toast? [Snotty's been eaten by his pet snake] Dr. Glove: Okay, yeah, interesting. You're inside a snake, aren't you, yeah, you're deep in there. Okay, this might be very painful. [pulls on Snotty's legs, which causes the Snotty Boy scream in agony] Ah-ah-ah. Just a few more hours. Episode 14 Home Sweet Hole [1.14a] [Pip has kept Otis up all night.] Pip: You wanna prank the paperboy? Otis: [snaps at Pip] NO, I DON'T WANNA PRANK ANY PAPERBOY! I would really enjoy pranking my eyeballs back into being closed, and pranking my mouth into snoring, IN ONE LONG, EIGHT-HOUR, UNINTERRUPTED PRANK! Pip: Are you on medication? [Pig is horrified to see that Pip has cleaned his stall] Pip: Surprise! It took me three hours to clean it. Pig: [crying] No! Pip: No, don't cry, I wanted to do it! Pig: [angry] GET OUT! Pip: [confused] Huh? Pig: Do you know how long it took me to get my stall that filthy, huh? Years and years of grime and squalor down the drain! Pip: B-But I just thought that- [Pig wails, then becomes horrified when he sees something] Pig: [hysterical] OH, NO! MY CRUSTY BLANKIE! IT'S ALL SOFT AND CLEAN! Get out! G-G-GET OUT! [Searching for Pip after he ran away.] Freddy: Oh, no! Look! Some ravenous hawk devoured him and spit out his pelt! [The others gasp.] Abby: Oh, it's too awful! Wait, give me that! That's just an old gray sock, Freddy. Freddy: That's even worse! The hawk put him to work making casual sportswear! Pig: Uh, Otis, can we not bring Freddy on any more search parties? Otis' Mom [1.14b] Bessy: This is my baby's cowbell! Do you know what this means? Otis: I think I do, and it feels... no. Bessy: Otis! [hugs him] I'm your mother! Otis: [screams] Otis: [explaining to the others] And so, long story weird, Bessy is my mom. Pig: [after being told Bessy is Otis' mom] Everything I know is a lie! By the way, when's lunch? Otis: I know, in the past, Bessy has an ice block for her heart and anger where her blood should be, but that's because she was upset about her son. Otis: [being fed by Bessy] Hey, that's not bad. Really interesting flavor, wait. What is that? Bessy: It's just oatmeal. I made it with milk from my body. Otis: [spits out the oatmeal in disgust] PLAHHH, food is my enemy! Mrs. Beady: [writing an e-mail] Dear congressmen, since you have failed to respond to my 300 previous letters on the talking animal issue... [Otis pranks Mrs. Beady, making her think her house is in space.] Mrs. Beady: [screams] Nathan, the gas boiler exploded and blasted us into space! Call NASA! Get the martian repellent! Hoard oxygen! [Bessy and Otis are visiting Mrs. Beady in disguise.] Mrs. Beady: You know, I have a nephew about your age. We should arrange a playdate. Otis: [annoyed] Rather die. Bessy: You stop right there, young man! Otis: No, I will not "stop right there," Mom! You have done nothing but embarrass me since the moment you found out I'm your son! Bessy: Watch the tone, mister! Otis: YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!!! I HATE YOU! [gasps, whimpers, then runs off crying] Otis: [attempting to comfort himself with his cowbell over Bessy and Pip getting married] Bell-bell make bad-bad go bye-bye. Bell-bell make bad-bad go bye-bye. Bell-bell make bad-bad go bye-bye. Pig: I know pronounce you man and-- Otis: STOP THE WEDDING!!! [The crowd gasps as Everett plays a dramatic chord on the organ before fainting.] Otis: Listen to me. I've always kept my cowbell wrapped in a newspaper from the day I was separated from my mom, but it's dated an entire year after Bessy's kid floated away. I can't be Bessy's son. [The crowd gasps and mutters in shock as Everett plays another dramatic chord.] Freddy: This can't be true! Otis: I'm sorry, Bessy. I know you want your son back, but it's not me. [Bessy looks sad at first, but then...] Bessy: Phew! What a relief! Otis: Huh. Not what you'd usually say when your heart is breaking into a million pieces. Bessy: I didn't know what was worse, having you for a son, or being married to a rat. Episode 15 Club Otis [1.15a] Pip: Password. [Freddy and Peck try to remember.] Freddy: Uh... Uh... Peck: Uh... Well, uh... Freddy: Oh, wait-wait-wait! I remember! Spatula! No, no, no, swizzle stick! Peck: Influenza? Lemon zester! Freddy: Poop deck! Pip: Sorry. Freddy: We forgot the password! Our vibrant social life is over! [accidentally hits Peck] Peck: Ow! Head trauma! Pip: That's it, come on in. The Chronicles of Barnia [1.15b] Pig: [after Abby accidentally hits him with an arrow] What are you hitting a harmless woodland faun for? [points to Freddy] Hit him! He's the ring-craving psycho goblin! Freddy: Not just rings. Also decorative pendants! [snarls] Pip: Hey, Freddy, chill out. Every time we do a roleplaying game, it takes you two weeks to get out of character. Freddy: Don't worry, I have that problem completely under control. [switches personality] He's onto us. Act casual. [whistles innocently, then snarls] Pig: Hey, Bessy, I forget. Who are you supposed to be? Bessy: I'm Queen Kick-Your-Butt, the magical sorceress of Stay-The-Heck-Away-From-Me. Freddy: The ring is gone, and we has no receipt! Episode 16 Barnyard Idol [1.16a] Peck: Why, it sounds like a heavenly angel. Freddy: Or a bewitching sorceress luring us to our doom! Otis: Hey, maybe the angel and the sorceress had a kid. Freddy: You mean a sorcer-angel? Otis: No, more like an angel-ress. Hilly Burford: That was amazing! I wanna say it was fantabulosticatious, but that's not a word, as it turns out. Mrs. Beady: Can I help you, Mr. Pig and Cow in human costumes THINKING NO ONE NOTICES?! Pig: So, Otis, who do you think I'm up against in tomorrow's finals? Otis: Who cares? I'm telling you, Pig. This thing's a lock. [On stage, the female singer hits a sustained high note that breaks Hilly's glasses, a glass of water, the backstage TV, and the backstage lights.] Audience: [offscreen] Wow! Otis: We have to rehearse. Pig: But I thought you said-- Otis: WE HAVE TO REHEARSE! [At the barn, Pig is attempting to hit a high note to break a glass bottle.] Otis: If you can't break glass like that freak girl, we'll never win. Pig: Aw, come on, Otis, I'm tired. My throat hurts. Otis: No, it doesn't. That's your soft palate burning with the desire to win. Now try again! Pig: Okay. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, laaaaaa... Otis: Higher... higher! Pig: Laaaaaaaaaaaaa--[chokes] Ow... Ooh... Ow... Abby: Uh, Otis? I think he lost his voice! Otis: [frantic] No! Don't you see? He did it! It's so high, it can only be heard by rodents and scorpions! Tell him, rodent! Pip: [playing cards] I don't hear nothing. How about you? Scorpion: [playing cards with Pip] Nope. Otis: No, this isn't happening! Okay, don't panic, it's fine. You know what, it's fine. He still has a few hours to get his voice back. Abby: Actually, he's due on stage in 20 minutes. Otis: YOU AND YOUR TRUTH! Milk me, come on! [takes Pig] Freddy: This won't end well. Abby: I know. Wanna go watch? Freddy: I'm there. Peck: I love a good train wreck. Otis: Okay, Pig, you're up. But don't worry. I'll do your voice from behind the curtain. You just lip sync along. Pip: Is that fair? Otis: Fair don't puts Otis on the cover of Solid Gold Managers' Yo! Magazine. Otis: [singing poorly as Pig lip syncs] Oh, Skunky Boy, the clowns, the clowns are hollering. With hay for all, and lots of magic pie. [Mrs. Beady exposes Otis and Pig's act.] Mrs. Beady: They're making a mockery of this show, which embodies all that's great about us as a species! Hilly Burford: Lady, your vigilance has saved this show and made you a national hero! Mrs. Beady: Oh, and that's not all. They're also talking barn animals. They live next door to me and have wild, ritualistic hoedowns all night long! Hilly Burford: You had me, and you lost me. SECURITY! The Haunting [1.16b] [Otis has built a fun shack.] Abby: Otis, that doesn't look like much fun to me. Bessy: Yeah, you sure you didn't order Malibu Betty's Termite Dream House by mistake? [The others laugh.] Otis: [unamused] Oh, tee to the hee. The box says "hours of fun for the whole family". Are you calling the box a liar? Abby: Why, yes I am! [hushed] But please don't tell the box I said that. Otis: Pigster, snack-tify us! Pig: You got it! Who wants tater tinys? [a floating spatula smacks him all over his body] Ow, ooh, ow, ouch! You know, you could just say "no". Otis: What? What are you talking about? [The lights flicker, making the animals gasp.] Otis: Um, that can easily be explained. [The TV flickers, a toaster pops up toast, and a drinking bird bobs up and down.] Otis: That is somewhat less explainable. [A ghastly shriek is heard.] Otis: And that defies all known logic and reason. Welp, I'm off to Tibet. Good luck with everything! Abby: Otis, I'm scared! Freddy: [climbs on Otis] Me too! Bessy: This has all the earmarks of a haunting. Otis, did anything weird happen while you were building your fun shack? Otis: Weird? No. No, it was really easy, actually, after I removed this big, flat rock. [holds up said rock] Bessy: "Here Lies Winky". Otis, this is a tombstone! Freddy: [terrified] A tombstone?! Otis, you woke up a g-g-g-g-g-- [Peck slaps him on the back] apparition! Pig: Oh, that means ghost! [Everyone clamors in panic.] Otis: Guys, guys, relax! There is no such things as ghosts. [The tombstone floats out of Otis' hands and beats Otis on the head with itself.] Bessy: You were saying? Otis: I'm guessing we have a ghost here. But I'm sure he is way more afraid of us than we are of him. [the tombstone hits him again] Otis: [during the séance] Ghostly chanting, ghostly chanting, chanting ghostly, chanting, chanting, chanting, show yourself! Bessy: Where'd you get that ridiculous mumbo jumbo? Otis: Right here in the Big Book of Ridiculous Mumbo Jumbo. Winky: You just messed with the wrong 150-year-old ghost bunny! Episode 17 Brave Udders [1.17a] Badger: Mail call! [tosses some letters to Otis] Otis: Thanks, Badger. [looks through the mail] Man, I feel great! I mean, nothing, but nothing, could ruin a wonderful day like this. [spots one letter then screams as a thunderstorm appears behind him] Krouser Krebs? It can't be! [takes out a note and reads it] "Hey, Beef Boy." Krouser Krebs: [voiceover] "Long time, no see. Get ready. I'll be coming for you at 10 A.M. tomorrow." [echoes] Pip: Dude, for the last time, what's bugging you? Otis: Ugh, fine! I got a letter today from Krouser Krebs. Pig: Krouser Krebs? I've never heard of him. Otis: You've never heard of him? Check out this flashback. [a flashback shows Otis as a calf wearing a propeller hat] Not a day would go by when I wasn't bullied by Krebs. Young Otis: [singing] La-la-la-la-la, someday my head will fit my body [Suddenly, Krebs's shadow looms over him] Krebs: [voiceover] Well, well, well. If it isn't Beef Boy. Time to take a stroll down the meat aisle. [punches Otis from offscreen] T-bone, rump roast, filet, sirloin... [laughs] Now let's see what we got in the dairy section. Young Otis: No, no, not the dairy section. Krebs: 2%, 1%, half and half... [laughs] Why are you squirting yourself? Stop squirting yourself. Clean up on aisle 3. [laughs] See you tomorrow, Beef Boy. [walks off] Young Otis: Clean up on aisle 3. [Back in reality] Otis: Clean up on aisle 3. Clean up on aisle 3. [sighs] Krebs found me and he's coming for me at 10 A.M. tomorrow. Pig: Brave men die but once, but cowards are wedgied many times during the course of a typical week. Pig: [looks at the watch] It's almost 10. Krebs will be here any minute. Otis: And I'm so ready! [the others cheer] Yeah, I got my bags all packed and my flight leaves in two hours. Krebs: [voiceover] Yo, Beef Boy. Otis: Ahh, too late! Hide me! [As Otis hides behind Abby, Krebs approaches closer and his shadow becomes small revealing that he is actually a duck. Krebs quacks. The other animals are confused] Abby: Hang on a minute. Where's Krebs? Otis: What do you mean "where's Krebs"? He's standing right there. Peck: Right where? Otis: There! Pig: You mean, uh, behind the duck? Goat: Otis? No, I haven't seen him. Otis: No, not behind the duck, Krebs is the duck! [The others look at Otis, gaze at Krebs for a moment, then laugh] [Peck and Freddy approach Krebs] Freddy: We heard you're looking for Otis. Krebs: Hey, you know Otis? Peck: Otis is there, if you want him, you'd better go through us. Krebs: Hey, look, i don't want any... Freddy: Stupid duck says what? Krebs: What? Peck: Stupid duck says what? Krebs: What? [Peck and Freddy laugh] Peck: You're in for it now, beak-face. You know why? I'll tell you why. Because we were the barnyard's champion taunters six years running. Krebs: Look, look, guys, i just want to talk to Otis, you see, I recently- Freddy: We know you are, but what are we? Peck: Nice. [Peck and Freddy laugh again, then high-five each other] Krebs: I'm warning you, cut it out. [The duo make goofy sounds, taunting Krebs. Krebs's head throbs and his eyes bulge up, turning bloodshot. He then blabbers and shakes with fury as Freddy and Peck look at each other, worried, then spins into a fight cloud] Peck: Hey, Fred, are you-? Freddy: Run away! [he and Peck try to run away from the fight cloud, but Krebs yanks them in, beating them up; poking out] Mommy! [Abby gasps; Peck and Freddy are thrown into the barn doors] Pip: Holy beat-down. Duke: He can't do that to our friends. Come on fellas. [charges toward Krebs with Pig and Pip at his side] Otis: No, don't! He'll tear you into pieces while enumerating the parts of your body in an insulting fashion! [The trio leap and begin to attack Krebs, but are caught in the fight cloud] Narrator: Two-hundred and thirty minutes later... [Krebs continues beating up Pig, Pip and Duke] Bessy: [laughing] Oh, mercy! Come for the stupidity, stay for the butt-whupping. Krebs: [angry] I want Otis! Otis: I can't just stand here... To the well! AAHHH, WELL! [jumps in the well] [In a clip called "Ask Dr. Pig"] Pig: Hello, I'm Dr. Pig, and I'm here with the word about bullying. Bullying is a misdirected attempt at attention rooted in anger and frustration. [Krebs bursts through the wall and starts beating him up] Ow! Hey, I'm a doctor! Don't hurt me! Help! [Krebs throws him, leaving a hole-shape of himself in the wall of the barn] Whoa! Oof! Krebs: Here's Krebsy! Abby: I'm warning you, duck, I wrassled gators one summer on an internship. [spits in her hands] Krebs: Look, all I want is... [Abby does a ululating war cry, causing Krebs to become enraged again. He screams in a similar fashion before attacking Abby] Otis: [as he watches Krebs beat up Abby] Oh, no, not Abby. Now he's gone too far. Krebs: [after finishing Abby off] I'll ask one more time. Where's Otis? Otis: I'm right here, Krebs. And you're done pushing my friends around. Krebs: Otis, finally. Listen, I just want- Otis: Have at you! [beats up Krebs] Duck sauce! Spicy wings! Crispy meat roll! DUCK À L'ORANGE! [belly flops on top of him] Pip: Otis, you did it. [The others cheer for him] Otis: I did it, I faced my fear. [suddenly, Krebs lifts him up off of himself] It's like I feel a foot taller. [Krebs spins Otis and throws him against the barn] [Looking at Otis, Krebs lifts his wing in a fist, then holds it out to him] Krebs: Can you find it in your heart to forgive me? Otis: [looking confused] Huh? What do you mean? [as Krebs helps him up] Aren't you going to pound me into a pulp and use my ego as a chew toy? Krebs: No. Otis, I came here to apologize for being a jerk to you as a kid. I've been getting help for my anger issues, and well, I wanted to make amends. Otis: So, you didn't come here to feel the crunch of my cartilage beneath your webbed fists? Krebs: [loses his temper again] I wasn't, until your stupid friends attacked me! [to the others] What are you people, IDIOTS?! [The others scream and run away.] Krebs: [calms himself down] Easy, Krebs. Deep breaths. White sandy beach. Otis: Huh? You wanna come inside for a sandwich or something? Krebs: Nah, I gotta apologize to a warthog across town. Anyway, I hope we're square. [angry] And I hope I never see you or your crazy friends again, goodbye! [leaves] Freddy: How ironical. We thought he was the bully, but in reality, he was the bully-ee... ee. Otis: Guys, I am so sorry to have put you all through this. Are you mad? Abby: Oh, it's alright. It was worth it to see you get your self-respect back. Otis: Yeah. Ooh, by the way, a guinea pig who used to steal my lunch money is coming by around 4:00. Ah, figured you guys could help me straighten him out a little bit. [The others get angry.] Abby: That's it! Peck: Get him! Otis: [terrified] YAAAH! [The others chase Otis.] Freddy: Never again! Pip: He's getting away! [Otis screams as he jumps into the well.] Otis's 11 [1.17b] Pip: You'd better watch out. That's Chubs Malone, the top boss of the gopher underground. He plays for keeps. Otis: I thought Tony Two-Cheeks was the top boss. Pip: Not since he went on a fishing trip with Chubs, and never came back. Otis: Oh, please. He probably just devoted his life to the open sea and married a mermaid. Happens all the time. [After Otis loses the saloon to Chubs Malone.] Abby: Otis, how could you?! Bessy: Yeah, you really broke the needle on the moron meter this time! [The animals all berate Otis at once.] Pip: You lost the saloon! Pig: Guys, come on, please. There's no need to turn into an angry mob. Let's just line up one at a time and pummel Otis in an orderly fashion. Chubs Malone: [doing stand-up comedy] Thank you, you are all a wonderful audience. But tell me, what is the deal with broccoflower? It is neither broccoli, nor is it a flower. What is up with that? [the gophers laugh] Thank you! Is anyone here in a relationship? It's crazy, I tell you. You know what I'm talking about? [the gophers laugh] Freddy: Um, excuse me! Yeah, yeah. Hi, um... We don't get it. [The gophers turn to the gang, shocked and offended.] Gopher: You're gonna get it. [Chubs snaps his fingers, and his bodyguards kick the animals out.] Chubs Malone: From now on, this is a gophers-only club! Otis: What gives you the right to boss us around? Chubs Malone: My Fizzbin skills. [kisses his dice] Otis: Oh, yeah?! Well, your... face is dumb! [Chubs throws his dice at Otis' face] Ow! Pig: [playing Fizzbin disguised as a German woman] Fräulein needs a new pair of lederhosen! Episode 18 Pecky Suave [1.18a] Otis: All Peck needs is a little vitamin C, for confidence. Pig: I thought vitamin C was an ascorbate vital to essential metabolic reactions in mammals and plants. Otis: And confidence. Otis Vs. Bigfoot [1.18b] [Otis emerges from the barn, disguised as Bigfoot, making grunting noises.] Mrs. Beady: Bigfoot! Officer Fred: Oh, you're mine, buddy. [blows a tranquilizer dart into Otis] Otis: [groans] Moo. [passes out] Mrs. Beady: Oh, yeah. Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy now, Bigfoot, huh?! Officer Fred: [investigates Otis] Wait a minute, this isn't Bigfoot! This is a cow dressed up to look like Bigfoot! Hilly Burford: A shocking development. Someone has pasted fur on a cow to give him the appearance of Bigfoot! But who would pose such a cheap stunt just to get on TV? [The TV camera focuses on Mrs. Beady.] Mrs. Beady: What? No! The cow's in league with him! He can tell you where Bigfoot is! Officer Fred: You're under arrest for Bigfoot fraud! Mrs. Beady: No, oh, my! [runs away screaming] Officer Fred: Hey! [blows a tranquilizer dart into Mrs. Beady] Mrs. Beady: [gasps] Oh, pretty colors... [passes out] Episode 19 Top Cow [1.19a] Crop Duster: [after Otis crashes his plane] I told you there's a demon lives in the air, and in that haystack, and in my sock drawer! School of Otis [1.19b] Otis: [when Peck is injured] I think his pride is hurt more than anything. Otis: Kids, don't you know that exploding a silo in the sky, while hilarious, is one of the most dangerous pranks you could possibly do?! [in tears] I'm sorry, I'm just so proud of you right now. [his phone rings and he answers it] Hell-Otis. Oh, hey, Pip. Ah, I'm looking at it right now. Isn't it the best? Pip: Yeah, well, it's not so great from INSIDE THE SILO!!! [Otis listens to the animals screaming for help on the phone.] Otis: Oh, no! Oh, kids, what did you do?! Joey: What?! Macy: I'm sorry, Otis! We're really sorry! Otis: It's okay, kids. It's okay. You didn't know anyone was inside, or that the silo's inevitable crash to the ground would cause massive internal injuries to those you love. Episode 20 Otis for Mayor [1.20a] Mrs. Beady: [covering her face with steaks] Nathan, those talking animals attacked my face with bees! Mr. Beady: That's terrible! Mrs. Beady: I know! Mr. Beady: I was gonna eat them steaks. Hilly Burford: We interrupt this program for a special report. Our beloved mayor has been frozen solid. He fell in the water while ice fishing. We're mayorless, people! MAYORLESS! Mrs. Beady: Nathan, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Mr. Beady: That one day, I'll wake up screaming? Mrs. Beady: No, I'll run for mayor, and sign a decree banning those talking animals from the county... FOREVER!!! [Mrs. Beady's campaign video.] Announcer: Ned Bovine has nice hair, and can break boards with his head. But did you know that he wants talking barnyard animals to raise your children? Nora Beady will put an end to the talking animal menace once and for all. Her secret police will lock them in circus cages and send them back to Monster Island where they belong. Mrs. Beady: I'm Nora Beady, and I'll get tough with talking animals. And I'll make you fudge! Otis: Lies! All lies! Pip: Dude, you need to take this fight into the gutter! Abby: Don't do it, Otis. Don't sink to her level. Otis: Don't worry, Abby. I won't. I'm going to go even lower! Pip: That's my cow! [Otis/Ned Bovine's campaign video.] Otis: Nora Beady, your crazy eyes and ridiculous hair is not what the voters need. Why is it you can't understand this? Well, maybe it's because... YOU'RE NOT OF THIS EARTH! That's right. Nora Beady is an alien spawn from the volcanic netherworld of Planet Zorn, with mind-control fudge to harvest your precious human organs. It's time you tell the truth, Nora, or should I say... Mobile Flesh Unit Zelgrab X81?! Pip: Paid for by the committee to crush Mrs. Beady like the alien spawn she is. [Mrs. Beady has seen Otis' mustache fall off at the debate.] Mrs. Beady: Good people, something urgent has just come to my attention. I just discovered that my opponent, Ned Bovine, is a-- Otis: [coughs] Nutjob. Mrs. Beady: [scoffs] As I was saying... Otis: [coughs louder] Mrs. Beady: Give me a break. You know what? Otis: [cuckoo finger-twirl gesture] Whoooooo! Mrs. Beady: [louder] My opponent is a-- Otis: [blows raspberry] Mrs. Beady: [stammers] Otis: [gargling water] Mrs. Beady: He's not a human being. Otis: [noisily eating chips] Mrs. Beady: HE'S A TALKING ANIMAL!!! Dummy and Dummier [1.20b] Freddy: So, Mr. Jinx, what's the hardest part about being a dummy? Mr. Jinx: Why don't you ask your pal, Otis? He's the biggest moron I know! [The crowd laughs.] Otis: [laughs, then gets confused] Huh? Freddy: But, I didn't... Mr. Jinx: Hey, Peck! Some tree fungus just called! It wants its personality back! [The crowd laughs as Peck is shocked. A horse spits out his water.] Mr. Jinx: Why did the tubby, disgusting loser cross the road? To get away from Pig! [The crowd laughs while Pig shows offense.] Otis: Freddy, what's the big idea?! You could've killed me! Freddy: It wasn't me! Mr. Jinx did it! Otis: Oh, really? Interesting. Well, perhaps Mr. Jinx would like to meet my hoof puppet, Señor Popo. [high-pitched voice] Hi, I'm Señor Popo, and if you ever throw an anvil at Otis' head again, he'll mess you up! Freddy: [gasps] Otis, your hoof puppet has a mind of its own too! Otis: [growls] Otis: Relax, Freddy. You're our friend, and nothing will ever change that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go vote on whether or not to banish you from the barnyard forever. Pig: Termites?! Pip: They were controlling the dummy all along! Otis: But why, termites? What'd we ever do to you? Termite Mayor: Hello?! The tree you made the dummy from was our home! When you destroyed it, we vowed vengeance! Otis: Awkward! Still, did you have to go on a psychopathic rampage? That is so inappropriate. Termite Mayor: Yeeaah, you're right. We went too far, but you know. Freddy: [doing stand-up comedy] So the platypus says, "At these prices, you won't get many more!" [The others laugh.] Pig: Boy, these earplugs are great! I can't hear a word he's saying. Otis: What?! Pig: [louder] I said, these earplugs are great! Otis: No, I won't date your grandmother! Abby: What? Otis: I won't date Pig's grandma! Abby: Thanks, I'm using a new shampoo! Otis: What?! Peck: I also enjoy monkeys! Some Like it Snotty [1.21] Freddy: [reading the newspaper] Looks like parliament's at it again. Pip: Dude, we've been over this. You can't read. Freddy: I thought it would sound better than, "Hey look, blobbity-gloop, blobbity-blob!" Bessy: [while Otis is getting an idea] Oh, now he's grinning. That's not good. I just hate it when he grins or is happy in any way at all. Is that wrong? Pip: Dudes, I think somebody put glue in your outfits. Otis: Glue? No one puts glue in outfits, who would put-- [realizes, then yells in anger] ABBY!!! Pip: And Bessy. Otis: AND BESSY!!! [Back at the barnyard, Abby and Bessy hear Otis' shout echo.] Bessy: Ah, the sweet sound of a moron's lament. Pig: [peeling off Freddy's disguise] Okay, this might hurt a bit. [rips a piece off] Freddy: [pained] PEDESTRIANS HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY! Pip: Hey, that looks like fun! Let me try! [rips off another piece off Freddy] Freddy: SEA BASS IS A TENDER FISH! [Pig rips another piece off] DANISH PASTRIES ARE GOOD! Cowman: The Uddered Avenger (Part 1) [1.22] Crook 1: I told you stealing these empty cabbage bags with dollar signs on them would be a cinch. Crook 2 (Lenny): Now, let's get back to the hideout and stuff 'em with money. [gets whisked away by a lasso] Crook 1: Lenny? Lenny?! You're quieter than usual. Where'd you go?! [The Cowman signal shines on the wall next to him.] Otis: I'm afraid your friend's a little... tied up. Crook 1: That light! Those horrible puns! It can only mean one thing! Otis: That's right, punk. It's Cowman. Pip: And Ratboy! [The crook yells in fear and hits Otis in the face with a garbage can lid.] Otis: Garbage can lids! My one weakness! [gets hit with a tin can] Tin can! My only other weakness! [gets hit with a loaf of bread] Wheat bread! Yet another of my weaknesses! Mertin Fargleman: My doctor says that evil, gloating laughter excites my angina, but I shall laugh just the same! Ha-ha-ha-ha-- [clutches his chest] Oh, there it is. [Seeing the Jurassic Corn Kernel at the county fair.] Mrs. Beady: Why can't you grow corn like that, Mr. Lump? Mr. Only-Grows-Tiny-Corn? Mr. Beady: What's wrong with tiny corn? Tiny corn makes life a candy land. [The Justice Brood arrives at the county fair.] Mrs. Beady: Nathan! It's those animals from next door, pretending to be superheroes again! Mr. Beady: [groans, to himself] Just pretend you're deaf. Mertin Fargleman: Just smile and say, "I have been defeated by a superior evil intelligence!" [The crowd is angry at Otis for destroying the county fair during his chase with Mertin Fargleman/Professor Twineyvines.] Otis: I had to chase him! He was turning the Jurassic Kernel into a horrible monster! Pizza Twin #1: Uh, dude, I would have to file that story under "D" for "bogus". Pizza Twin #2: Uh, bro, that would be "dogus". Pizza Twin #1: Oh, right. Your story's dogus! Pizza Twin #2: Totally dogus! Otis: How could I have been so stupid? I thought being a superhero was all about sopping up glory. I should've realized it's about stopping crazy botanists from mutating prehistoric corn kernels into bloodthirsty monsters. Pip: It's okay, Otis. So you destroyed the fair and stole a priceless artifiact. I'm sure by now everyone forgives you when-- ANGRY MOB! Angry Mob: WE'RE STILL ANGRY! WE'RE SO ANGRY AND FULL OF ANGER! Cowman: The Uddered Avenger (Part 2) [1.23] [Pig, Freddy, and Peck are trapped in Professor Twineyvines' lair.] Pig: I can't believe it. First Otis turns evil, then Mrs. Beady captures us. What else could go wrong? Freddy: Well, I could reach for the toothpaste, and accidentally grab the rubber cement, and glue my lips together. Pig: No, I said "go wrong". [Otis, Pip, and Abby are falling off a cliff on the Cow-cycle.] Otis: Pip, quick, deploy the savey thing! Pip: I'm on it! Let's see, sunscreen, a parking ticket... Hey, cool, a deck of cards! Otis: [sarcastic] Sweet, we can play Go Fish! Do you have any coffins? Peck: [unaware of Mertin's true nature] What a sweet guy. If anyone can reform Otis, he can. Pig: Maybe kindness, understanding, and 30 years in prison is just what Otis needs. [Mertin has mutated the Jurassic Kernel into a monster, which terrorizes the fair.] Otis: I tried to warn you! He is not Professor Twineyvines! He is an insane plant scientist named Mertin Fargleman! Mertin: Insane, you say? Why, would an insane person warp the laws of nature just to win a blue ribbon at the county fair? The answer is yes. [Seeing Mertin's Jurassic Corn Kernel Monster terrorizing the fair on TV.] Pig: Why is that nice ice cream man attacking the fair? Abby: Let's see. How can I put this simply? BECAUSE HE'S EVIL!!! [After saving Otis from the Jurassic Corn Kernel Monster.] Peck: I'm sorry we didn't believe in you, Otis. You're the greatest superhero we know personally. Otis: Yeah, you know, I was saying that a-- Wait, what do you mean, personally? Pig: Well, you know, Thunder Boy does some nice work. Peck: And I hear some very good things about Magnetic Man. Hilly Burford: I tell ya what, if I'd have made a list this morning of stuff I thought would've happened to me today, being eaten by a giant corn monster probably wouldn't have cracked the top ten. Otis: Come on, Brood! Justice Brood: Moo-oooooooo! Otis: Look, we can't all say "moo". Some of you need new catchphrases. Freddy: How about "narf"? Peck: That's taken. Freddy: Aw, crud monkeys! Pig: That's mine. Peck: Hey, what about "wacka, wacka, doo"? [Everyone argues.] Pip: Lame. Abby: Aww, give it a chance! Freddy: Oh, I got one! "Do not disturb"! Abby: "Do not disturb"?! That's what you hang on a door! Episode 24 Pig Amok [1.24a] Pig: Temptress, I can no longer resist your charms! Abby: Otis, does Pig seem to be acting odd to you? Otis: Pig, odd? What are you talking about? Pig: Butter churn, I can no longer resist your charms. Hold me. Otis: Abby, what Pig and the butter churn have is beautiful, and I won't let you destroy it. [Pig kisses the butter churn] Okay, now it's getting weird. Duke: Hey, Pig. You feelin' alright? Pig: [suddenly angry] WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, HUH?! No one talks to me like that! [Duke screams] Oh, it's over, Rover! [Duke runs screaming with Pig on top of his head.] Pig: "ANGRY?!" YOU BET I'M ANGRY! I AM SO ANGRY! Duke: Help! He's off his nut! Pig: [dismounts Duke and hugs him sadly] Oh, Duke! I'm so lonely... [strangles Duke] NOW, I'M ANGRY AGAIN! VERY, VERY ANGRY! [Pig meets his bride-to-be, Brunhilda, who treats him rudely.] Brunhilda: [belches] Jerk! 'Bout time you showed up! Are these your worthless friends?! [belches] I want pie! Brunhilda: Hey, porky, you win this, I might kiss you -- ON OUR TENTH ANNIVERSARY! Pig: I abjure thee, madam, and sever all bonds between us! Brunhilda: You can't do that! Pig: Ah, talk to the hoof. Aunt Gertie: I grieve for thee, Pig. You may go now. Live long and wallow. Pig: I shall do neither, Aunt Gertie, for I have induced broccoli poisoning in my best friend. Otis: [wakes up] Best friend! Ha! I knew it! In your faces, jerks! Pig: Otis! You're alive! Otis: Yes, I am! [The other animals cheer.] Pip: You were faking the whole time! Otis: Correct! Knowing that I was Pig's best friend, uh, way more so than any of you, I cleverly faked my own death, confident that the terrible loss and shock would break the hold that that she-banshee held over him! Pig: So, you're really okay? Otis: No, no, I'm not. Three of my four stomachs are ruined forever. Now, if you'll excuse me, nature's mop and I have a date with the outhouse. Brunhilda: Hey, cow. You're lookin' good. Otis: Oh, madam, I-- Brunhilda: [starts chasing Otis] There's gonna be a wedding today if it's my last breath! The Sun Cow [1.24b] [On the farmer's computer.] Abby: Says here the reincarnated sun cow must be completely impervious to pain... Otis: My pain threshold is very high. Abby: ...be able to catch a fly with chopsticks... Otis: Hand-eye coordination. I'm all over it. Pig: And he has to fly. Otis: What?! That can't be right! Abby: Otis, the internet does not lie. [A notification is heard on the computer.] Pig: Hey, a Nigerian prince needs us to deposit money in his account. Abby: That poor prince. I'll punch in the farmer's credit card number. Pig: Hang in there, Your Highness! Episode 25 Doggelganger [1.25a] [Duke has been replaced with an imposter named Baxter at the vet] Dr. Glove: OK, Baxter, it's doggy-doctor time! Who loves his doggy-doctor? You do, yes you do, yes you do! [Duke mumbled protestation] Aw, don't be scared boy, this won't hurt at all. [reads "Duke's" chart] Oh, deep de-worming. I was wrong. [starts up a giant machine] This is gonna hurt! Yes it is, yes it is! [Duke recoils in terror] Dr. Glove: Aw, relax, Baxter, the worst is over, yes, it is, yes, it is! [takes off safety goggles and reads the chart again] Oops, I'm wrong. Says here I have to flush out your brain hole. [picks up a large syringe-like device] Who's got a dirty brain? Baxter does, yes, he does! [Duke is mortified] Duke: [to himself] Hang in there, Duke. You've been poked, drilled, humiliated, but there's nothing they can do to break you. Nothing! Dr. Glove: [returns with a bucket of leeches] Okay, Baxter, time for your butt-leeching. Who's going to his butt leeched? Baxter is, yes, he is. Duke: Okay, that's it! [knocks leeches into Glove's face and runs away] Dr. Glove: Oh, the leeches are on my face! [stumbles into wall] Who's draining my face blood? [hits head on examination lamp] You are, yes, you are! [collapses from blood loss/head trauma] Save the Clams [1.25b] Mrs. Beady: [spying on the farm animals at the Clam Hut] Nathan, I think those are those talking barn animals from the farm next door. Mr. Beady: Do not talk. Please do not talk. Archie: [a clam] Psst. Cow dressed as a lady. Abby: What? Who said that? I'm not a cow, uh, I'm a typical human female. Archie: Please, I know a fellow animal when I see one. You gotta help me. My life's in terrible danger. Abby: But I thought everything here was made out of shclam, a delicious clam substitute. Archie: It's a lie. Shclam... IS CLAM! [Abby gasps.] Otis: Can't stand liver, won't eat ham, look out, stomach, here comes the shclam! Abby: DON'T EAT THOSE! [The other animals scream, startled by Abby.] Otis: Why are you yelling?! Abby: Fellas, do you know why shclam looks and tastes like real clam? Otis: A miracle of modern chemistry? Pip: They zap it with a clam ray? Freddy: They make it with love? Abby: No! It's because shclam is clam! Look! [shows them Archie] Archie: What she said. [The other animals gasp and yell in horror.] Mrs. Beady: [picks up Pip and shows him to the waiter] Could a real human ever be this tiny?! Waiter: My cousin Lupe is half that height! Abby: Otis, Archie has nowhere to go. Can't he stay here? Otis: No way. Remember last month when I let that laughing hyena stay here? It was a disaster! [Flashback.] Abby: Bad news, guys. My aunt Phoebe broke her hip and has to be in traction for a month. [The hyena laughs uncontrollably, offending everyone else.] Hyena: I'm sorry. It's not funny, it's... [keeps laughing] Otis: [seeing the barn filled with clams] OH, SWEET BLEEDING DIRT!!! Abby: Otis, what are we gonna do?! Otis: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna sit back and enjoy the fun! Pip: Otis, what are you talking about?! Abby: Yeah, we got a situation here! Otis: No, you have a situation, because for once, something is your fault! [laughs] Oh, that's rich! There was one clam before, but now there's a lot of 'em. Oh, there's gonna be more! And when the farmer gets back, he's gonna be all, "What are these clams doin' here?! I'll bet it was that she-cow's fault!" Oh, Abby, how will you get out of this one? [The other animals are tired of the clams' parties in the barn.] Pig: Otis, can't you do something? Otis: Well, I could, but first... Abby, is there anything you'd like to say to me? Abby: Like what? Otis: Oh, perhaps that divine old chestnut. [imitates Abby] Oh, Otis, none of this would've happened if I'd listened to you. You're so wise and big-brained, and this is all my fault. [makes a goofy face] Ahyuck! Otis: To show you how supportive my friends and I are of the mollusk community, we've decided to offer refuge to one of your underwater brethren, the giant starfish! Archie: Idiot! What have you done?! The giant starfish is our only natural enemy! Kids, run! [The clams flee from the barn.] Pig: Clam-pede! Episode 26 Cowdyshack [1.26a] Pig: Hey, Otis, aren't you worried about walking and talking in front of this guy? Otis: Don't worry. That's my buddy, Crazy Louie. He's a little... Um... Crazy Louie: [dancing and singing] I like eggs, I like eggs! [higher voice] I like eggs, I like eggs! Pig: Crazy? Otis: I was gonna say "stark-raving gazonkers". [Crazy Louie has been hit by a golf club.] Otis: Louie! Speak to me! Crazy Louie: Ow, my appendix! How will I process enzymes and convert them into simple sugars?! Pip: How do you know it's your appendix? Crazy Louie: Well, if you look at this x-ray, you'll see that my appendix, that's it, was on its last leg, so to speak. The doc said I'd be fine as long as no one hit it with a golf club. Otis: [in Pig's hallucination] Hey, baby, you got beaned on the noggin but good. Feel that ball! Be the ball, piggy, be the ball, little piggy! Oh, I gots to go, there's a rainbow in my noggin! Pig: How's that new appendix working for ya? Crazy Louie: Oh, hey, guys! Funny story about the appendix. Turns out, it's a totally useless organ, so I sold it, and used the money to buy extra thumbs! [The animals scream in horror at his extra thumbs.] Crazy Louie: Hey, look at me, I'm Extra Thumb Man! Oh, Buttertown, we raise our thumbs on high! Who wants to wrestle? Adventures in Snotty Sitting [1.26b] Snotty Boy: [to Abby] You're a nanny piñata, only instead of candy, you're filled with fear! Ha-ha-ha! Otis: Okay, Eugene, that's it. I'm done. You're too much for me. I quit! Snotty Boy: You can't quit! I'm not finished with you! Otis: No, I fail as a babysitter, too bad. And I was going to tell you such a wonderful, wonderful bedtime story. Snotty Boy: [scoffs] Like I'd ever care about your lame-o stories. Otis: Oh, I know, I know, you're much too clever to be amused by a tale of... SPACE BOY AND THE SNOT BOTS OF PLANET STUPID!!! Snotty Boy: [gasps] I... I mean, ha! That's a dumb title! Otis: Yes, and the part where the Snot Bots remove Space Boy's head is even dumber. Well, goodnight! Snotty Boy: You're... You're a lousy storyteller! How-- How could the brave Space Boy live without his stupid head? Otis: Oh, I don't know. Perhaps because he was really one of the... WALKING DEAD!!! Snotty Boy: [gasps] AAAAH! Otis: I thought so. Category:Children's television seasons