All That/Season 2

Naughty by Nature [2.01] (Treach, Kay Gee, and Vinnie, the members of the rap group Naughty By Nature, are in the library, practicing for their performance as the episode's musical guest) Loud Librarian: Silence! This is a liberry! Just who do you fellas think you are?! Kay Gee: We're Naughty By Nature. Loud Librarian: Oh, well; that's obvious! Treach: No, no, no; we're the rap group Naughty By Nature. This is Kay Gee, this is Vinnie, and I'm Treach, and we just came in-- (She blows her air horn) Loud Librarian: Quiet! This is a liberry! Now, look, Treach, Kay Gee, Vinnie? I realize that you are all "naughty", and that it is your "nature" to be so! But if you wanna sing, you're not gonna do it in my liberry! (She points to the stage) Loud Librarian: You can sing over there! (Naughty By Nature heads over to the stage) Loud Librarian: (blows her whistle) Let's hear a round o' sound for...Naughty By Nature! (She blows her air horn again; Naughty By Nature performs their hit "Clap Yo Hands".) Lori Beth Denberg: Mirror, mirror, on the wall...LOOK AT ME; I'M A PERSON TALKIN' TO A PIECE OF GLASS!, If your mother tells you to sweep the kitchen floor...don't hold your sister upside down and use her head as a broom". Monica [2.02] (Detective Dan is investigating the theft of Mrs. Lipschitz's [Lori Beth Denberg] jewelry; he then notices Charles, the butler, who has the jewelry, but Detective Dan still doesn't suspect him) Detective Dan: "You! You there! I'd like a couple'a words with ya!" Charles (guest star Douglas Brush [1921-2004]): "Uh...yes?" Detective Dan: "You wouldn't happen to know who mighta stolen Mrs. Lipschitz's jewelry, would ya?" Charles: "No. Not really. No." Detective Dan: "Seen anything at all...suspicious around here?" Charles: "No. Can't say that I have." Larisa Oleynik/Da Brat [2.03] Lori Beth Denberg: If you're lucky enough to have a hammer...please...don't hammer in the mornin. It's not safe to ride your bike with no hands. It's impossible to ride your bike with no rear end. One potato, two potato, three potato, four. I rode a bike that had no seat, and now my butt is sore. When it rains, it pours. When it snows...it's cold. If you have a friend who says, "I'm a little gumdrop, and I like to push my face into things that are sharp and pointy"...then you've got one weird friend. If you're on TV, giving out vital information, and your phone rings...don't answer it. It's not...okay to eat breakfast cereal out of your underpants. If you're on a first date with someone, never stick your finger in their spaghetti, twirl it, and holler, "Lookit, date; I'm makin' s'ghetti circles!". Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder...how in the world that song ever became so popular. There's no real reason to play basketball naked. If your first name is Wally, and your middle name is Wally, and your last name is Woo, then your name is...WALLY WALLY WOO!" If your first name is Brucifer, and your middle name is Yaptiddy, and your last name is Magoogoo, then CONGRATULATIONS! YOUR FULL NAME IS BRUCIFER YAPTIDDY MAGOOGOO! When you're checking out at the grocery store, never say 'Oh, I don't need any bags. I just stick the food in my pants!. Alex Mack/Sax: [guest star Larissa Oleynik, from The Secret World of Alex Mack] "I'm Alex Sax." Annie Mack: [Reyes; traditionally played by Meredith Bishop] "I'm her smart sister." Ray Alvarado: [Mitchell; traditionally played by Darris Love] "And I'm in no way related." Malcolm-Jamal Warner/Mokenstef [2.04] [Repairman has just dropped through the ceiling, making a mess.] [Other character]: "What was that?" Repairman: "That was me! I'm...Repairmanman-man-man-man-man!" [Other character]: "What's with the echo?" Repairman: "Echo my butt!" [Other character]: "What's with the echo?" Repairman: "Echo schmecho!" [Other character]: "What's with the echo?" Repairman: "Go away!" [noticing that a family's lamp is flickering] "Looks like lamp trouble; I can fix that for ya jiffy-quick!" Father [Kevin Kopelow]: "Please don't repair it." Repairman: "But I must; I'm...Repairman-man-man-man-man-man!" Mother [Denberg]: "He's being very gentle." [Repairman "repairs" the lamp.] Older daughter [Reyes]: "Daddy! What is he doing?!" Repairman: "That lamp won't be giving you any more trouble; I repaired it!" Father: "No. No, you didn't. You killed it." Younger daughter [Johnson]: "You squashed our helpless lamp!" Repairman: "It was nothing!" Mother: "It was horrible! You're a bad repairman!" [The rest of the family stares at her.] Mother: "...-man-man-man-man-man!" Jon B. [2.05] The Twinz [2.06] Monteco [2.07] Pierre Escargot: Do not clap your hands when I sneeze in your face. But please clap your hands for our musical guest...MONTECO! Soul 4 Real [2.08] Subway [2.09] (Two space aliens enter Good Burger) Alien #1 [Server]: I am Pastar. Alien #2 [Johnson]: I am Fudgesarbs. We are from the Kopelow Galaxy. Fudgesarbs: We are aliens from another planet. Pastar: We have traveled millions of light-years to investigate your planet Earth. Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger; can I take your order? Pastar: We said..."WE ARE ALIENS...FROM ANOTHER PLANET". Ed: And I said..."WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER...HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER...CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?". Run DMC [2.10] Santa Claus: "So, Lori Beth, have you been a good girl this year?" Lori Beth: "Hmmm, no." Santa Claus: "Bye-bye!" Lori Beth: "Seeya, Santa." Xscape [2.11] Butter Boy: "Superdude, why don't you rub up against me?" Toy designer #1 [Server]: "Say hello to the Stinkphone!" Ms. Lumpco [Denberg; head of Lumpco Toy Company]: "Why is it called the 'Stinkphone'? OH, it STINKS!" Toy designer #2 [Thompson]: "Exactly; it's not just a phone...it's a phone that stinks!" (A girl named Karen is getting ready for a date with her boyfriend, Bryan, while her younger sister, Becky, wants to hang out with her) Becky (Johnson): Hey, Karen! Let’s go see a movie at the Jumboplex! Karen (Reyes): Aw, I'd love to, Becky, but I can’t. Bryan’s coming over. Becky: Oh. Bryan, Bryan, Bryan! Ever since you started dating him, you and I never get to do anything together! Karen: I’m sorry, Becky; I promise we’ll do something real soon, okay? Becky: That’s what you said last weekend. Things were a lot more fun when you weren’t dating that tube! (Doorbell rings) Karen: That must be him! Becky: I’ll get it. (She opens the door; Bryan has arrived) Bryan (Server): Yo, uh…where’s Karen? Becky: France! (She slams the door and smiles; Bryan enters) Bryan: Karen? Did you see what your little sister just did? She slammed the door right in my nose! Bryan (to Becky): Brat! Becky: Tube! Karen: Bryan, she didn’t mean to slam the door. Becky:(singsong, cheerfully) Yes, I did… Bryan: Hey, uh, Becky…why don’t you just, uh…go play with ya dollies or somethin’? Becky: I’ve got your dollies… Karen: Oh, Becky, please…(Becky scoffs and departs)Bryan: I’m hungry. And thirsty. Karen: Okay; well, sit down. I have everything all ready. I have chips, clam dip, fish tarts, soda…is root beer okay? Bryan: Sure…soda’s soda.(They sit down on the sofa)Karen: Did you notice I’m wearing a new perfume? It’s called Autumn Stench. Sniff. Bryan: (flatly) Sure. Why not?(He sniffs her left arm; meanwhile, Becky pours hot sauce into his soda)Bryan: Smell’s a smell.(Takes a sip of his soda; he spits it out as it has burned his throat)Karen: What’s wrong? Bryan: (grabbing his throat) Hot…hot… Karen: Well, I guess there’s something wrong with the root beer.(Bryan drinks from the pitcher of water)Bryan: I guess so! Karen: Oh, I’m really sorry! Bryan: Look. Just call that root beer company up, and complain or sump’m…(Becky ties his shoelaces together)Karen: Okay, I will; promise. Bryan: Good, ‘cause I’m in…(He exclaims and falls over; he lands on the table, getting the refreshments all over his clothes)
Karen: What happened? Bryan: Aw, man, it looks like my shoelaces got up together or sump’m…(Becky puts a cactus on the sofa in the place where Bryan was sitting)Karen: Are you okay? Bryan: Am I okay?! No, I’m not okay! I got clam dip and fish chips all over me! If I was okay, I’d look different than this, wouldn’t I?!(He sits on the cactus and screams in pain)Karen: What’s wrong? It’s stuck to your butt… Bryan: Oh, get it off! Careful, careful…(She removes the cactus)Karen: There; it’s off, it’s off, it’s off, it’s off, it’s off, it’s off. Bryan: I am not…having a good time here. Karen: Okay; listen, just sit down…and I’ll go get some ointment for your…your cactus injury. Bryan: Bring me some water.(Karen departs; Bryan sits down on the couch; Becky pours itching powder down the back of his shirt as Karen returns with the ointment)Karen: Here’s some ointment. Bryan: Thank you…just apply here…what the?…(He starts itching) Oh! Can’t stop itching! Ugh! (He continues screaming)Karen: Is something wrong? Bryan: Of course something’s wrong! What, does it look like I’m havin’ a good time here?! Karen: Well, stop yelling at me! Bryan: I’ll yell if I want! (He tears off his shirt and continues itching and screaming)Karen: I’m only trying to help! Bryan: Well, you’re not doin’ a very good job! Karen: You know what?! My sister was right! You are a tube!(Becky, hiding behind the sofa, smiles mischievously)Bryan: A tube?! You’re the tube! Karen: That’s it! Out!Bryan: Oh, fine!(He leaves)Karen: And if you don’t like my root beer, go call the root beer people for yourself! (She slams the door; Becky walks up)Becky: Oh; is your date over already? Karen: Yeah, for good. You know, you were right about Bryan. Becky: Hey…I know a tube when I see one. Karen: Yeah. Becky: (looks at her watch) Hey, look; it’s only 7:30. Karen: Yeah; and we still have time to catch the movie if you want. Becky: Cool...Karen: Come on… Becky: All right.(They depart for the movie) Diana King [2.12] Announcer: Peter knows the importance of recycling our trash. Flem eats his garbage. Peter entertains his guests by playing cards or other fun games. Flem ties his guests up in a chair, and spins them until they cry. Peter dresses himself like a nice young man. Flem dresses himself like a diseased freak of nature. Sinbad/Coolio [2.13] Mark Curry/Deborah Cox [2.14] [Three new students--Maggot, Rash, and Spew, the members of the band Bacteria--have joined Miss Fingerly's class.]Maggot [Server]: [British accent] My name is Maggot! Rash [Reyes]: I'm Rash! Spew [Thompson]: They call me SPEW! Miss Fingerly [Denberg]: All right. Spew, Rash...Maggot. Now, where are you children from? Student [Johnson]: Miss Fingerly, don't you know who they are? Student [Bates]: Yeah! Student [Johnson]: They're Bacteria!Miss Fingerly: Now, let's not judge others by their appearance. Student [Mitchell]: No; they're Bacteria, the hottest band around! Student [Johnson]: Their CD, Raw Sewage, just went Triple Platinum! Miss Fingerly: Oh, I see. Well, perhaps you'd like to tell the class how your band got the name "Bacteria"! Maggot: Well, you see, our drummer, Spew, forgot to take a bath for 3½ years, and when we looked under his armpit, we found... Miss Fingerly: All right! Let's all take our seats.(A girl named Janet is standing at the Lost & Found desk)Janet (Reyes; to the Lost & found woman): 'Scuse me? Lost & Found woman (Denberg): #1? Janet: Yes. I lost my backpack; has anyone turned one in? Lost & Found woman: Is it a...black canvas bag with lights all around it? Janet: Yes; that's the one!(The woman places the aforementioned backpack on her desk)Lost & Found woman: Ah, ah...wait just a minute. How do I know that this is yours? Janet: Because I told you so. Lost & Found woman: I'm instructed to get a detailed description before releasing any item. Janet: Okay; I'll tell you what's inside. (As she names the objects, the woman removes them one by one from the bag)Janet: A calculator. Lost & Found woman: Yep. What else? Janet: A Teddy bear. Lost & Found woman: Anything...unusual about the Teddy bear? Janet: Yes; as a matter of fact, it only has one eye. Lost & Found woman: So far, so good. Keep going. Janet: Keep going? Isn't that enough? Lost & Found woman: Well, there's a lot of stuff in here. Janet: Okay. There's a glow-in-the-dark Statue of Liberty.(The woman cups her hands around the statue to see if it glows)Lost & Found woman: Doesn't look like it glows to me. Janet: Well, you have to put it in the light first. There's a big red flashlight in my backpack; use that.(The woman does so)Lost & Found woman: Not much of a glow if you ask me, but...I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Janet (sarcastically): How generous of you. Now, may I have my stuff, please?Lost & Found woman: Ah, ah...we have not yet established that this is "your stuff". Janet: What about the hedge clippers? Sausage links? Lost & Found woman: What about them? Janet: Well, if this wasn't my backpack, how on Earth would I know they were in there? Lost & Found woman: Lucky guess? Janet: Well, that's five lucky guesses in a row.Lost & Found woman: Look. People pick six winning numbers in the lottery every day. A lot of people. I'm not impressed! Besides...there's still one more thing in here. Janet: Okay. There's a gold pendant with an inscription from my grandmother. Lost & Found woman: Which says...? Janet (as she talks, the woman lip-synchronizes): "To Janet,...I will always have a special place for you in my heart. Love, Grandma Eva". Lost & Found woman: Aha! Nice try! This says "Love, Grandma Ethel", not "Eva". Close, but no backpack.(Janet reads the inscription)Janet: You're right. I can't believe it. I guess this isn't my stuff. Lost & Found woman: That's exactly why we go through this procedure. Janet: I'm sorry I wasted your time. Lost & Found woman: Oh, quite all right; it happens all the time. (She starts putting the things back into the backpack)Good Burger customer [guest star Mark Curry]: Hey, man, wait a minute. Hey, what's wrong with you, man?! I drove through the drive-thru, and you threw food all over me! Ed [Mitchell]: Uh...no? Customer: Uh...yes...look at it, I got shake all on my shirt, these Good Chunks all over me; what is wrong with you?! Ed: Uh...napkin? Customer: Oh, yeah; that'll really help...no, I don't need no napkin! Ed: Uh...moist towelette? Customer: Oh...no, I don't need a moist towelette or a napkin; what I need is a shower! Ed: Oh. Okay, hold on. (Ed sprays the customer with ginger-ale)Customer: What are you doing, man; what are you doing, what are you doing, what are you doing?! Why are you spraying me with water?! Ed: I didn't. This was ginger-ale. Complaint Department lady [Denberg]: Welcome to the Complaint Department. Customer #1 [Thompson, carrying a Lameboy video game]: Hi; how you doin'? Um...I bought this Lameboy video game here last week, and it's broken.(She takes the video game, thinking it's a phone, and uses it as such)Complaint Department lady: Hello? Complaint Department, may I help you? Customer #1: Uh...what are you doing? Complaint Department lady: Shhhh! I'm on the phone! Hello? Hello? Complaint Department lady [to the customer]: They hung up; thanks a lot! Customer #1: Um, excuse me, ma'am. This is a video game, not a telephone. And it's broken. Complaint Department lady: And...what's your...complaint? Customer #1: That it's broken!Complaint Department lady: Have you tried painting it? Customer #1: Huh?(She takes a can of spray paint, and colors the video game chartreuse)Complaint Department lady: There. Customer #1: "There" what? Complaint Department lady: It's all...pretty.Customer #1: "Pretty"? It's pretty broken...and now it's green for no good reason. Complaint Department lady: You're welcome. Customer #1: No. No, I'm not welcome. See, I wanna return this. Complaint Department lady: Oh, you can't return that; it's been painted. Customer #1: I'm out to complain about you. Complaint Department lady: Oh, then you'll have to go to the back of the line; next? Customer #1 (leaving): You make my head hurt. Customer #2 [Reyes, carrying a CD player]: Hello; I bought this CD player here, and it...won't play. Complaint Department lady: Won't play what? Customer #2 (holding up two CDs): CDs. Complaint Department lady: Yes, I...I see those. Customer #2: No; I didn't say "See these?"; I said "CDs". This player won't play them.(The Complaint Department lady takes the CD player and sniffs it)Complaint Department lady: I don't smell anything. Customer #2: It's not supposed to smell! Complaint Department lady: Then why are you complaining? Customer #2: Because I wanna listen to music! Complaint Department lady: Oh. Complaint Department lady [singing]: Meatballs keep rollin' off my plate. My noodle gets lonely without meatballs to relate. Cryin' over beef, 'cause meatballs... Customer #2: Silence! I don't wanna hear you sing; especially not about your meatballs! Complaint Department lady: Is that your complaint? Customer #2: Yes. I mean, no. I mean...I don't know what I mean. Complaint Department lady: Ah. Complaint Department lady [resumes singing]: Meatballs keep tellin' me to kill'...Customer #2: Okay; bye-bye! (She leaves)Customer #3 [guest star Joe Candelora, carrying a watch]: Hi; I got this watch as a gift...Complaint Department lady: A gift? For me? Oh; that's so nice; you shouldn't have!Customer #3: I didn't. You see, someone gave it to me; it doesn't work; that's why I'm taking it back, see?Complaint Department lady: You're taking it back? But you just gave it to me.Customer #3: All right, all right; look, look, look; let's start over again. Hi. My wife gave me this watch, and now...Complaint Department lady: You're married? Well, you've got a lot of nerve giving me expensive gifts behind your wife's back! Oh, just keep your stinkin' watch!Customer #3: But it's broken.Complaint Department lady: So is my heart! Now, go!Customer #3 (leaving): What planet are you from?Complaint Department lady: Earth. Next?Customer #4 [Bates, carrying a stuffed toy penguin]: Uh, yes...this, uh, bird...Complaint Department lady [taking the penguin]: He's married, and he comes in here trying to smuggle me with cheap, broken watches! I'm not for sale, ya know! My love can't be bought, returned, and complained about! (Customer #4 leaves, while the Complaint Department lady cries and hugs the penguin)Lori Beth Denberg: Homework...bad. Pizza...'good'. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. [Long pause] No one cared. Ice cream tastes good. Armpits taste bad. If it looks bad, smells bad, and tastes bad, then it might be...this olllld burrito! It's a bad idea to put bacon on your face, and then run around screaming, LOOK AT ME; I'M PORKBOY, THE BREAKFAST MONKEY!. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. When left in the sun, mayonnaise grows hair. Money can't buy happiness. But it can buy you...PORKBOY, THE BREAKFAST MONKEY!Ed [Mitchell]: Whoa! We have a drive-through window!Mr. Bailey [Schneider]: Ed, we've had a drive-through window for 3 years; it's right over there.(He points the drive-through window out to Ed.)Ed: Whoa! How does the car fit through that little window over there?Mr. Bailey: It doesn't, Ed! The cars don't drive through the window; they drive past the window!Ed: Oh; well, why don't they call it a "drive-pass" window? Immature [2.15] (Coach Dullard, a gym coach, is coaching a boy named Bruno to become a ballerina in Miss Fingerly's ballet class; they are performing The Joyful Kumquat. Bruno has just gotten kicked by one of the other ballet students [Johnson] while the class has done pliés; before this, they had done "fondues" and "créme brûlées".) Coach Dullard [Server]: WHAT WAS THAT?! YOU LET THAT LITTLE GIRL TAKE YOU OUT WITH ONE LITTLE PLIÉ!Bruno [Thompson]: But...she kicked...me hard, Coach.Coach Dullard: SHE IS A LITTLE GIRL, FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, BRUNO!Bruno: But, she's real strong, and look; she ripped my tutu.Coach Dullard: That's just "tutu" bad, isn't it?! Silk [2.16] (Susie, from a fictional form of the Girl Scouts known as the Little Pansies, who wear pink uniforms, is trying to sell her cookies to a man named Bernie [Mitchell] and his wife [Bates]; she has just climbed in through their window after Bernie rejected her at the front door.)Susie: Okay, here is the deal; buy 30 boxes of Fudgy Clots, and I'll knock of 3%!" (Each box of Little Pansy cookies costs $5; this would still cost $145.50 altogether.)Bernie: What do you think you're doin'?Susie: Selling Little Pansy cookies! Haven't I made that clear?Bernie's wife: Times sure have changed; when I was young, we were never pushy Pansies.Susie: Did I mention that Lulu Creams are made with real synthetic nougat?Ross Perot: Did you know I'm freakishly rich? I mean, I got over $4 billion.Perot [looks hungrily at Pizzaface]: How can I concentrate with that dee-licious pizza starin' at me?Perot: Look at me, I'm in a bathtub full of money. I'm a sawed-off freak, takin' a $4 billion jacuzzi!Roseanne Barr: I got a wicked rash!Camille Cosby [Bates]: Who rang that bell?Dorothy: It was I, Dorothy.Dorothy: What about me, Mr. Cosby? What about my shower?Cosby [Thompson]: Well, you see, Dorothy, a shower is like a box of peanuts that you sit on with your wife Camille. And the grapefruit, and the avocados, and the little children running around in the neighborhood. Purty, purty, purty. Purty, purty, purty. And then, your big toe swells up in your underpants. Terry Ellis [2.17] Lori Beth Denberg: On Halloween, it's fun to go up to people's doors and say, "Trick-or-treat". On Groundhog Day, it's fun to go up to people's doors and say, "It's Groundhog Day. Now, let me look between your toes!". Never spit on someone and then say, "That's what spit feels like". If you're drinking apple juice, and it feels warm...odds are, that ain't apple juice. If you can't stand the heat...don't just start throwin' rocks at people. If your sister gets a phone call, and you answer it, don't say "My sister ain't here. She's out in the yard, floppin' in the mud!".Lori Beth Denberg: It's nice to stop and smell the flowers. It's weird to stop and smell...this olllld burrito! If you smell smoke in your house, yell Fire!. If you smell smoke in your pants, yell 'Why am I smelling my pants?!". If your Mom's friend comes over with her new baby, don't say, Help me, Mama; that's one lousy baby!. If you have a pizza delivered, it's nice to tip the pizza man a dollar. It's not nice to say, Hey, thanks for the pizza...now, could you help me put it in my pants?. If you look under your arm, and find a big glob of mayonnaise...then NEVER, EVER, EVER COME NEAR ME! If your friend's Mom asks you what you'd like to drink, don't say Oh, nothing. My mouth's fulla spit. The early bird gets the worm. Fine! I don't want the worm!" Never put underwear on your head, and say to people, 'I'm little Nancy, and this my pretty new hat. It is better to sit there and look stupid...than it is to stand up, open your mouth, and announce, "HEY, I'M DEFINITELY STUPID!" If you like wearing a T-shirt that says "I'm extremely stupid"...well, then, you're extremely stupid. Girls...it's a bad idea to fill your bra with water and goldfish, and then people you've invented the "double-cup aquarium". Faith Evans [2.18] Kopelow: "Everyone, I have a little surprise for you all! Kenan?" [Thompson enters, carrying the Big Ear of Corn, who was feared to be terminally ill. The other cast members, especially Denberg, are delighted.]Server: "It's the Big Ear of Corn!"Bates: "So, what was wrong with the Corn?"Thompson: "Nothin'; it turns out that the Big Ear of Corn wasn't even sick at all! Katrina?" [Johnson enters, pushing a perambulator containing the Big Ear of Corn's four new offspring, each of whom is still at least twice the size of a large standard ear of corn.] Shai [2.19] IV Xample [2.20] Ed (Mitchell): Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger; can I take your order?Customer (Thompson): What?! You already took my order…15 minutes ago…ludicrous!Ed: You’re still hungry?! Ewwww! Customer: Yeah, ‘cause you haven’t given me my food yet, crazy! Marty (Server): Order up! (He gives the customer his food) Customer: It’s about time; give me this! You get nothin’! Marty: What was… (The customer removes a watch from his mouth) Ed: Oh, my watch! (He runs over to the customer) Customer: This is disgusting! Ed: Oh; no, it’s not! It’s still ticking!
 (Ed puts his watch in his pocket) Customer: I want a new Good Burger right now, Mister! Ed: Sorry, dude; we’re closed. C’mon. (He brings to customer to the door) Customer: No; you can’t be closed! Hey, I’ll beat you in 89 seconds! Just what’s wrong with you?! Ed: I’m sorry, man. (He pushes the customer out of the door and changes the sign to ‘CLOSED’; a thunderstorm ensues) Ed: Uh-oh. Storm’s a-brewin’. Beth (Bates; to the other Good Burger staff): Let’s go, guys. C’mon, Ed. Marty: Ed, we’re outta here. Ed: Oh, I’m sorry; I can’t. Mr. Bailey put me on cleanup tonight. Marty and Beth (in unison): Uh-oh… Ed: What? Marty: Ed…today’s Saturday the 14th. (Offscreen, outside, a dog howls and barks) Ed: What’s wrong with Saturday the 14th? Marty: You mean you don’t know? Ed: Oh! Huh…heh…no. Marty: Ed, a long time ago, Good Burger had a manager named John Rogan. Ed: Oh! No! Oh! Marty: Ed, Ed…I haven’t said anything scary yet, man. Ed: Oh. Okay, go on. Marty: John was cleaning up one summer night. He was all alone…it was Saturday the 14th! (More thunder and lighting occur) Ed: W-w-what happened to him? Marty: Nobody knows, Ed. No one has seen John Rogan since. Some people say, that whenever it’s Saturday the 14th, the ghost of John Rogan returns to Good Burger! (Suddenly, a hockey player enters; his white mask causes the Good Burger staff to mistake him for the aforementioned ghost, and they scream, terrified) Hockey player (lifting his mask): Can, uh—can you guys tell me how to get to the hockey rink? Ed: Uh, it’s, uh, uh, down the street on the left, dude. Hockey player: Thanks. (He departs) Marty: Yeah; uh, Ed? I think we’re gonna go now. We’re leavin’ you all alone. (The other Good Burger employees leave in a hurry, while continuing to scream) Ed (locks the door): Oh…what’s wrong with you guys? (He locks the door behind them) Ed: I ain’t afraid o’ no ghost. (He starts mopping, while singing and dancing) Ed: I mop good…duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh…my mop... (He looks around, then resumes singing and dancing) Ed: ♪I mop good…duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh…my mop’s made of wood…nuh-duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh…I mop good…duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh…my mop’s made of wood…nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh'♪...Ghost of John Rogan (Tim Goodwin; offscreen; eerily): Ed! E-E-Ed!Ed: What?Ghost of John Rogan (eerily): E-E-E-E-E-E-ED!Ed (eerily): WHA-A-A-A-A-A-AT?Ghost of John Rogan (eerily): O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OH…Ed: Look, dude, I don’t know who you are, but, uh…sounds like you ate a Good Burger to me. (Ed approaches the mop bucket, it rolls away from him; he approaches it again, and it rolls away from him again; suddenly, the Ghost of John Rogan appears, shrieking)Ed: Sorry, dude; we’re closed.Ghost of John Rogan: I am a GHOST!Ed: No way!Ghost of John Rogan: Way! BEHOLD! (He creates wind in Good Burger, blowing papers all around)Ed: Whoa; it’s drafty in here! I better go close the window!
Ghost of John Rogan: No; I did that! I’m a GHOST!Ed: No way; a real, live ghost? Whoa, let me get your autograph! (Ed gets some paper)Ed: Write “To Ed, from…”, um, what’s your name, dude?Ghost of John Rogan: BOO-OO-OO…Ed: Okay. “To Ed, from Boo”.Ghost of John Rogan: No, you tube; I said “Boo” to scare you!Ed: Oh; well, it’s not scary. If you wanna scare someone, you have to do something like this… (He turns away from the ghost, and then quickly turns around, growling and opening his arms, frightening the ghost)Ed: You try.Ghost of John Rogan: Oh, no, no; I’m the ghost here; you don’t have to tell me how to frighten people. (Mr. Bailey drives up)Ed: Oh, no; my boss just drove up.Ghost of John Rogan: Good. You wanna see scary? I’ll show ya scary… (Mr. Bailey enters)Mr. Bailey: Ed? Ed? Look at this mess. Ed… (The ghost waves his arms and screams, causing Mr. Bailey to faint; Ed revives Mr. Bailey by pouring a soda onto him)Mr. Bailey (gets up and walks toward a booth): Oh…oh, my spleen… (As he is about to sit down, Ed follows the ghost’s example, causing Mr. Bailey to faint again)Ed: How was that?Ghost of John Rogan: Ah; pretty impressive! Say, I gotta go haunt a slumber party on the other side of town. Wanna join me? Ed: Oh, I don’t know…Ghost of John Rogan: Buncha pretty girls…Ed: I’m there! Let me grab my jacket.Ghost of John Rogan: Allow me… (He levitates Ed’s jacket to him)Ed:' Whoa, spooky!(They depart, and the thunderstorm continues)'' Monifah [2.21] Good Burger Special