Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa is a 2013 film starring Steve Coogan as a fictional presenter who becomes involved in a siege at a radio station. Directed by Declan Lowney. On air. Under siege. Out of chat? Alan Partridge I would've taken it off sooner but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child. Just passed his details on to the Social Services. Which is the worst monger? Fish, iron, rumour or war? Pretty clear, that one. It's the near future. An unprovoked chemical attack from France, or possibly China, has left us without a sense of smell. In a whiff-free world, what smell would you miss the most? Never, never criticize Muslims! Only Christians. And Jews, a little bit. [about fistbumps] Some people say it's more hygienic than a handshake. But who's to say you can't get shit on your fist? [about a one-night stand] Lynn, get rid of her. She's a drunk racist. I'll tolerate one, but not both. Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks? I've had one panic attack in a car wash. It was a perfect storm of no sleep, no wife, and angry brushes whirring towards me. By the time the giant hair dryer came on, I was in the footwell. Oh, shit. This is the theme from Ski Sunday. Sorry for swearing. I've gotta say, Pat, kids don't make you happy. Some of the unhappiest times of my life have been with my kids. I remember... a holiday on the beach in Prestatyn. The kids came over to me and said, "Papa, Papa! Follow me," and... you know... I followed them about 200 yards across the sand dunes. When I got there, finally, all they'd done was dug a big hole. Miserable. Michael. You look like some sort of big Geordie Anne Frank. [pulled back into the building by a rope] I'm not retreating, Pat's tugging me off. That was a majestic voice. You can keep Jesus. As far as I'm concerned, Neil Diamond will always be King of the Jews. I am siege face. I'm not going to sell my soul, Lynn. I want to, if you like, lend my soul to Goredale Media on a long-term basis for cash. It's a very different thing. Oh. Hello, Mister Seagull. Have you come to take my spirit away? Go, gull! Gull... gull... gull. Michael the Geordie I'm really sorry. I done a shit in the box. Right, coppers, I've got nae tax, nae insurance and I'm not wearing a seatbelt. What are you going to do about it this time? Sidekick Simon It was jingle genocide. [frantically, to police] Have you got any scissors? Have you got any scissors? Dave Clifton Do you know what I really like? I like waking up in the morning, breathing in the air and er... actually realizing I've made it through the night and I haven't wet the bed. No, I am joking, obviously, but er... they were, of course, very, very dark days indeed. Cocaine - that was a trigger. Cocaine, prostitutes. Bit of a cycle. Puking up the old er... luminous green bile. Dialogue Jason Cresswell: So, are you on your way out? Pat Farrell: You tell me. Alan Partridge: Michael's just sent a text saying he hasn't bought toilet paper in 18 months. Lynn Benfield: How does he... Alan Partridge: He steals it from a pub. Lynn Benfield: Oh. Alan Partridge: That's a relief. Shared a bag of salty popcorn with him last week. Alan Partridge: No-one's getting sacked. It's like Bobby Brushes, the caretaker, when the swimming pool allegations came out. Pat Farrell: He was in bits! Alan Partridge: Yeah. It turned out he was just helping those lads towel off. He was being nice. He didn't even know them. Pat Farrell: Yeah, but where is he now? Angela Ashbourne: He runs his own business. Alan Partridge: There. He's back on his feet. Angela Ashbourne: Rents out bouncy castles. Alan Partridge: [turning, concerned] For adults, yeah? Jason Cresswell: Change is healthy, you shouldn't fear it. Alan Partridge: I'm not scared of anything. Not even an elephant, which is interesting, because there's one in this room. Jason Cresswell: All I need to know is can you handle it? Alan Partridge: Well, er... Would you ask that of a man who'd gone paintballing, realized he'd left his goggles at reception but carried on anyway? Jason Cresswell: Why? Alan Partridge: You're looking at him. Pat Farrell: Alan, did you ever imagine what life would be like in your 50s? Alan Partridge: I had hopes and dreams. I think we all did. Pat Farrell: Penny for them. Alan Partridge: Keep the penny, you've got a gun. But, yeah, I used to dream that one day I'd drive a brand-new Range Rover towing a speed boat. Pat Farrell: I used to dream about growing old with someone I love. Alan Partridge: Hm. Both valid. [Pat is showing Alan and Simon a picture of his wife] Pat Farrell: A year after that was taken, the angels took her. Sidekick Simon: Must have been a few of them... Jason Cresswell: Seriously, did you give her one? Alan Partridge: Well, I... I gave her a ruddy big kiss she won't forget in a hurry. Hand on the outside of the bra. Er... you know, reconnaissance. And then I just held her in my arms because told me she never knew her mother, and I said, "Well, my mother raised me and lived to a ripe old age. But guess what? I never really knew her." Erm... and... To get back on track, erm... Jason Cresswell: Never take your eye off the ball, Pat. First rule of business. Second rule of business, always be prepared for an opportunity when it arises, like I was just then. Yeah. Course I wouldn't expect you to understand that. It's Darwinian. You're a runt. Pat Farrell: Is that what you think, Alan? Alan Partridge: I wouldn't quite, you know, use those words. Well, I think... I think... The sort of the gist of what, you know... Pat Farrell: I just don't like bullies. Pat Farrell: These are my listeners, Alan, ordinary working people. Alan Partridge: They're not working, it's the middle of the day. Unless they're on flexi-time. Cast Steve Coogan - Alan Gordon Partridge Felicity Montagu - Lynn Benfield Simon Greenall - Michael the Geordie Colm Meaney - Pat Farrell Sean Pertwee - SFO Steve Stubbs Anna Maxwell Martin - CC Janet Whitehead Darren Boyd - Martin Fitch Nigel Lindsay - Jason Cresswell Monica Dolan - Angela Ashbourne Tim Key - "Sidekick" Simon Denton Phil Cornwell - Dave Clifton External links Category:2013 films Category:Comedy films Category:Satire films