The Goldbergs (season 3)

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | Main The Goldbergs (2013–2023) is an American long-running sitcom aired on ABC. Season 3 A Kick-Ass Risky Business Party [3.1] A Chorus Lie [3.2] [Erica puts her folder in the locker when the saxophone plays] Erica: [chuckles] Hey, Johnny. Johnny: Yo, looking forward to Saturday night. Erica: Me too. Johnny: So I'll pick up Carla first, be at your place around 7:00, cool? Erica: Cool. [chuckles] Wait, what? Johnny: Yeah, I'm also giving her a ride to the dance. And she can hang out with us. And dance with us. Erica: Are you taking both of us to the dance? Johnny: Classic Johnny Atkins, am I right? How could you not see this coming? Erica: Because I have no idea who you are, other than an oddly confident band geek. Johnny: Shows what you know. Band geek in the front, rock God in the back. Erica: Are you seriously okay with this? Carla: No, but I really feel like I can fix him. Johnny: But she can't, so what do you say? Geoff: What do you think she says? Hit the bricks, bro. Johnny: Dude, I will punch you in the eyeball. Geoff: Erica, help me. He's serious. Erica: [sighs] You know what, Johnny? That's a firm "no" to your creepy offer. Johnny: Your loss. Hey, Debbie Gordon, you got a date to homecoming yet? [He walks along with Carla and plays saxophone] Geoff: Oh, man, that was so sweet of me, huh? So if it's looking like you're free Saturday night, then... Erica: I'm not going to the dance, Geoff. Not with anybody. [She walks off] Adam: No, not a new one. It's photo day at school. Barry: You came to the right place. Adam: No, get out! I don't want any of your terrible device. Barry: Dude, I'm a pimple bro. You got to pop that thing immediately. Adam: Everyone says not to pop it. Barry: Look at this flawless skin. It's like baby Italian marble. Would you rather have a pizza face or a Barry face? Adam: Fine. I'll just pop the thing. Barry: Oh, I gotta get this on film. [filming Adam] Come on. Let's get a close-up of that zit. Hey, why are you covering it? Don't feel so embarrassed. Let me see that zit. Come on. For memories. Jimmy 5 is Alive [3.3] I Caddyshacked the Pool [3.4] Boy Barry [3.5] Barry: [coming home] Out of the way, nerd. Adam: Hey, I was just looking through the mail. Actually, there's something here for you. Barry: "Master Barry Goldberg?" From C. Norris? Hollywood, California? Dude, Chuck Norris wrote me back! [opening the letter and reading the note] "Dear Barry, sorry it took me so long to write back, but thanks for the nice words and for being a fan. I have given a great deal of thought to what I'm about to tell you." Adam: What's he saying? Barry: Shut up! "Herein lies my most precious secret to being a true martial arts warrior. If you have a brother, obey him. He has a power you do not yet understand. Godspeed, douche-nozzle. Sincerely, Chuck Norris." Adam: So, what's it say, douche-nozzle? Barry: It says I should kick your ass. Couples Costume [3.6] Lucky [3.7] In Conclusion, Thanksgiving [3.8] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Back in the '80s, my mom was obsessed with Thanksgiving. When it came to her cooking, everything had to be perfect. She even made practice turkeys before the big day. Barry: [eating a piece of turkey] Mmm! Beverly: I need feedback. Barry: That's good! Beverly: But not great. Barry: What? Beverly: I'm going again. Adult Adam: [voiceover] To my mom, it was a time for family. For my dad, it was a hassle. Murray: Why do we got to schlep all the way here to go shopping when we got a perfectly good market a minute away from our house? Adult Adam: [voiceover] Well, I thought this time of year, a change of scenery would... Beverly: Oh, look! Murray, there's your father! What are the odds we'd run into him in a totally random grocery store? Murray: You got a bag boy to tip you off, didn't you? Beverly: So, I have eyes everywhere. What? Does that make me some kind of villain? Murray: Bevy, every year you ask me to invite that spiteful, miserable man to Thanksgiving. You got to give it up. Beverly: You're right. He's your father, and I have no right to... Hi! Ben, look! It's your son, Murray! You remember Murray. Murray: Hi, Dad. How you doing? Ben: My foot's still got that thing. And I need eye surgery. Murray: Yeah, good stuff. Beverly: So, any plans for the holiday, Ben? Ben: Yeah, I got it right here. This compartment is the stuffing. That's the sweet potatoes. That gray circle, that's the turkey. Beverly: Come on, wouldn't a home-cooked meal be much better than that? Ben: That depends. You know what happened the last time I ate your cooking. Beverly: That was right after we got married. That was ages ago. Ben: Your turkey was drier than the sun. It was like eating the inside of a vacuum bag filled with pencil shavings. I did not enjoy the meal. Murray: You? No. Beverly: It was the first time I'd ever cooked Thanksgiving by myself. My kids were little. They were hanging all over me. I didn't even have a baster. I was baster-less! Ben: No baster could fix your food crimes. Sorry, pal. You deserve better. Murray: Nice seeing you, Dad. Ben: Eh, it was okay. Beverly: This is not over. You invite that callous, hurtful man to Thanksgiving right now! Murray: See, I see why you're hocking me all the time to invite him. You just want to show my dad that you're a good cook. Beverly: The best cook. And family is important and stuff. Murray: Well, it's not gonna happen. It's bad enough you invite my moron brother every year. Beverly: Oh, stop. Marvin's not that bad. Wingmom [3.9] A Christmas Story [3.10] Adult Adam: As Pops was trying to put an end to my mom's new traditions, I was trying to get back at Barry for ruining ours. Adam: Go on. Do it already. Barry: Oh, I will do it. I've stuck my tongue to tons of different things. Adam: You're stalling. Come on. I triple dog dare you. Adult Adam: There it was, the coup de grâce of all dares, the sinister triple dog dare. Barry had no choice but to accept. Barry: No fear. [Now he gets his tongue stuck on the ball pole and Adam laughs] It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck! Adam: That's right. You ain't going nowhere, bro. Barry: I'm going to kill you! Adam: You've been ignoring me all week, but no more! Looks like you'll be hanging out with your little brother, like it or not. Barry: Adam I'm sorry okay? I do want to spend time with you. Adam: Really? Barry: Of course, I was dumb. We're brothers. Now let's go inside and play a game of ball ball. Adam: Original version? Barry: Original version! Now come over here and give Big Tasty a hug. Adam: Aww. [coming closer to his brother and Barry puts his hands on his head] No! No! Barry: Vengeance is mine! Adam: You putz! Now we're both stuck and nobody knows we're here! Barry: Huh. I did not think that through. [They are now stuck on the ball pole and fighting each other] [Barry shows Beverly a Christmas card] Beverly: Aw, a card. Thank you. Barry: It's the eighth day of Hanukkah. Figure I'd save the best for last. Beverly: Well, I love it. But you know what present I'd really love? A snuggie from my biggest boy. Barry: Yeah, not gonna happen. Beverly: Not even if I dare you? Barry: Oh, God. Don't do this. Beverly: Triple dog dare. Barry: You'll regret ever challenging me. [hugging Beverly] Take these snuggies. Take 'em. Barry wins at everything. Beverly: That's right, honey. You win. Barry: Barry wins at everything. The Tasty Boys [3.11] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Back in the '80s, my brother and I never liked the same music. That is, until we heard a group that would change our lives forever. Barry: [singing] Well, I'm Mike D and I'm back from the dead Chilling at the beach down at club med Adult Adam: [voiceover] The Beastie Boys. To us, they weren't just a rap group. They were a way of life. We copied their videos and memorized every single lyric. Simply put, they were a game-changer. Adam: I'm telling you, dude, if Mike D met us, he would be like, "We should be best friends." Barry: For sure! We're practically related. They rap, they party hard, and they're in the tribe. Adam: All three of them! What are the chances? Barry: Wait a minute. Do you realize what this means? If the Beasties can make it, so can we. Answer me this. Do we not have a license to ill? [He shows Adam a license to ill] Adam: Dude, you spelled "license" wrong. Barry: Don't pass this offer up, Ad-Rock. I think you have what it takes to join my Beastie Boys inspired supergroup, The Tasty Boys. Adam: Could we give it five more minutes on the name? Barry: No! The name has stuck. Adam: You'd really let me into your rap supergroup? Barry: Of course. Your weird voice sounds like you have a young man and an old woman stuck in your body, so I'll clearly be the breakout star. Adam: I accept! Barry: Ill. [They put their glasses on] Adam: We are so ill. Beverly: Who's ill? Oh, my God, get to bed. No one's going to school today. Adam: But... Barry: Ba-ba-ba! We're both ill and sick. Beverly: I guess the only thing I can do is wait on you hand and foot in front of the TV. Come on. Yeah. Barry: Being a reap star is awesome! [Beverly tucks Barry in with a blanket] Adult Adam: [voiceover] It was January 6, 1980-something. The fateful day my mom first laid eyes on our neighbors' new kitchen. Virginia: Ta-da! Adult Adam: [voiceover] Everything was brand-new. It was an '80s architectural masterpiece of Formica in every shade of brown. Beverly: Is that a lazy Susan? Virginia: It is! Beverly: Is that almond-colored? It's beautiful. Like dirty snow. This linoleum, it looks like real tile. Oh, it spins around! Look! The cinnamon was in the back, and now it's in the front! Virginia: And the best part, Charles did the whole thing himself, and it cost half the price. Beverly: Get out. Virginia: I swear. Beverly: No, get out of my way. Move your body. I must speak to Murray now. Virginia: Wha... [Beverly now has to run back home and speak to Murray] Beverly: We're getting a new kitchen. Murray: What's wrong with the old kitchen? Beverly: You just said it. It's old. It doesn't have what I need in the kitchen. Hello, Bill. Murray: All you need in the kitchen is food and forks. And maybe a cup or two. Bill: Also, you'd be surprised how often you use a juicer. Murray: Then it's settled. We're gonna get a juicer. Damn it, Bevy, you win again. Beverly: I mean it. We need to renovate. This thing should be in a museum. A museum of ugly refrigerators. Blech! And look at this floor. No, don't. It'll give you a seizure. And what about these lazy-Susan-less cabinets? I've got to move the other spices out of the way like a wild animal. Like, "Oh, here's the tarragon." Oh. [But she accidentally clatters the pots on the floor] And now I'm stressed out. Bill: She did make a mess. Murray: Bevy, I'd love to give you a new kitchen, but it would cost a fortune. And the materials alone... Bill: I'm a tile man. I'll hook you up for free. Murray: Yeah, but the labor. Bill: I'll install it myself. Murray: Bill, read the room. Beverly: I see what this is about. You don't want this 'cause you're afraid of change. Murray: [scoffs] What are you talking about? Beverly: You're a creature of habit. For the last 10 years, you've had the same job, same car, same clothes. Murray: Just because I like things the certain way doesn't mean I'm a creature of habit. Beverly: Then how do you explain this? Adult Adam: [voiceover] Back in the '80s, Coca-Cola announced new coke, which sent their old-school customers into a tailspin. Beverly: The second you find out that coke is changing their recipe, you start to stockpile. What kind of person is afraid of new coke? It's nuts. Murray: I'm not afraid. I just like the old-timey original kind. Beverly: Okay, see? You're just proving my point. Murray: Bevy, I try new stuff. Like that big pink orange I ate that one time. Beverly: The grapefruit? Murray: Yeah. Never again. The point is, I love change. Beverly: Well, there's gonna be some big changes around here. Big changes! Adult Adam: [voiceover] As my mom was laying down the law, Barry was laying down some tracks. [Adam and Barry are beatboxing] Barry: Good afternoon, my name is Barry I came to get down, and my rhymes are scary Erica: You morons! I told you to stop going in my room and stealing my old glasses. Adam: But we need 'em to get the cool fisheye-lens effect. Barry: Your jacked-up eyeballs are our hip-hop supergroup's game. Erica: I'm sorry. Supergroup? Barry: You may play the guitar and sing like an angel, but I'm the real musician in the family. Adam: I'm just happy he's including me. Life DJ Jazzy Jeff. Erica: Dude, you're not a real musician. You can't sing or read music or play an instrument, unlike me, who can do all of it. Barry: Hiding in your bedroom. You've written tons of lame chick songs, but no one's ever heard them. Erica: I'm just... Perfecting each one. Barry: No. You're stalling 'cause you're afraid of what people might think of you. I, on the other hand, don't think at all. Adam: It's true. He does not think. Erica: Just because you like Beastie Boys doesn't mean you can be them. They're three awesome musicians, and you're two clueless idiots. Barry: You're right. We need a third. Erica: I feel like I could say anything, and you would just do whatever you want. Barry: She's right! We should hold auditions! [He gives Adam a hi-five] Andy: [rapping] Check it. One, two Two, one Three, two, one One, two, three Three, two, one Ah, wait. I messed up. Can I start over, guys? [The next person to play the saxophone is Johnny Atkins] Johnny: Before you say yes, I have a list of 200 demands. "Naked" Rob: My rhymes are hotter than a candle's wick Call a doctor 'cause my flow is sick The ladies say Rob's gonna make it 'cause when I rock the mike, I get buck naked Adam: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is there any way Naked Rob can rap without getting naked? "Naked" Rob: Nudity, or I walk. Geoff: Yeah, no, okay. [stutters] You guys, I thought I could do this to impress Erica, but I just... I can't. [stutters again] I get wicked stage fright. Barry: You're in. Geoff: What? Barry: Dude! You look just like Ad-Rock. The resemblance is uncanny. Adam: Oh, my God. It really is, bro. Geoff: Does Ad-Rock break into hives onstage? Oh, no. The room is spinning. I'm going down. Barry: He said yes! The Tasty Boys are in! [He gives Adam a hi-five as Geoff is in and falls] Barry: Yo, Erica! I've been practicing my freestyle. Want to hear it? Erica: So, what? You spent all weekend writing a rap, and now you're trying to make me think that you're making it up on that spot? Barry: No. It's off the top of my head. Check it. Erica: No, no, no, no. If this is freestyle, I pick the topic. Bicycles. Barry: Got it. This rap's dedicated to all the big-booty... Bicycles. [beatboxing] [singing] My name's Big Tasty, and my rhymes are shady Come back to my crib and be my... Bicycle Cause one not bicycle can't hold me down I got to Have... Bicycles In every town Bicycle, bicycle, I can't disguise I love your neck, and I love your w... Wheels Barry: What? Erica: You know, you're fooling no one, right? Barry: You just don't understand hip-hop. [walking out of her room clattering] Baio and Switch [3.12] Adult Adam: [voiceover] As my universe was crumbling, my mom saw a world where she finally got a photo in the paper with her kids. Beverly: Yo, yo, yo, volunteers. Who's ready to get this homeless party started? Barry: Mom, what are you doing here? Beverly: You're looking at the new regional captain for Hands Across America. Erica: What happened to Coach Mellor? Beverly: He cracked under the pressure. But don't worry, Mama's here. I know how important this is for you. Erica: Yeah, I'm out. Barry: Me, too. Shut it down, people. [They all groan] Beverly: Whoa, hold up. Now that I'm involved, you're just gonna bail? Barry: Nothing personal. You just make fun things suck. Beverly: Well, that... That is a shame because this lady right here just got Scott Baio to ditch Philly and come to J-town. Johnny: Dude, we got Fonzie's cousin. [They all cheer] Erica: No, everyone stop. Mom, did you really get Scott Baio? Beverly: I literally just got off the phone with Scotty B. He told me to call him "Scotty B." And he agreed to come here and hold hands with me. Erica: I call the one available hand. Barry: No way! The hand is mine! Erica: Okay, this is my future husband. Why do you care? Barry: 'Cause he's my future best bro. And once Scott meets me, he'll ditch Willie Aames and fly me to Hollywood so I never have to talk to you people again. Adam: Ugh. I don't understand how we all got the flu. Beverly: I told you... With all that hand-holding, you'd catch a bug. Erica: Will you stop saying that? It's not even how it works. [Someone knocks at the door] Beverly: Ooh, sounds like we may have a special visitor. Erica: Wait, did Scott Baio's people finally get back to you? Beverly: No, but, uh, I still have Ben Franklin rented for an hour. Ben Franklin: Good morrow, sick children. As I so famously said in 1780-something, an apple a day keeps the doctor... Adam: No! Erica: Not again. Barry: I hate this president. Double Dare [3.13] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Back in the '80s game shows ruled the TV. There was Pyramid, Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy!, and The Newlywed Game. But to us kids, none came close to Double Dare. It was the world's best game show, filled with trivia, physical challenges, and host Marc Summers, who managed to smile even when his nice suits got messy. Lainey Loves Lionel [3.14] Adult Adam: [voiceover] The '80s gave us the multiplex... 10 glorious movies under one roof, a heaven where you could literally spend a whole day inside, delighting in mystery, action, and some of the greatest films ever made. Adam: [giving the man a ticket] One for ET. One for Indiana Jones, please. One ticket for Mannequin. One for The Lost Boys, please. One for Weekend at Bernie's. They put sunglasses on a corpse. [chuckles] Weird Al [3.15] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Back in the '80s, everyone had their favorite guitar-shredding rock god. But there's only one musical bad boy who rocked my world. Weird Al. Adam: Dare to be stupid? You know it! Adult Adam: [voiceover] Weird Al made me want to write comedy. The way he'd parody a pop song never ceased to amaze me. Erica: Is that my Cher wig from Halloween? Adam: Darn right. Can I borrow some hair spray? I think I need more body. Erica: You are so weird. Adult Adam: [voiceover] Weird Al even inspired me to write my own parody songs. Adam: Good news, bro. I've decided to honor you in song. Barry: It's about time! Adam: You know the Wang Chung song Everybody have fun tonight? Well, I changed all the lyrics to make them all about you. Barry: Ah, you've improved the song. Let's hear it. Adam: [singing] Everybody have fun tonight My brother Barry is a wang tonight Barry: [singing] Barry's gonna kick your ass tonight Adult Adam: [voiceover] Yep, Weird Al was my comic muse, and I finally had the chance to see him live. Edward 'Eddie the Eagle' Edwards [3.16] Adult Adam: [voiceover] My brother Barry was the world champion of the Goldberg house. Athletics flowed through the veins. Barry: Sports! Adult Adam: [voiceover] Yep, in our family, Barry was the undisputed jock, mainly because I never disputed it. The Dirty Dancing Dance [3.17] Adult Adam: [voiceover] The '80s was the decade of great dance movies, but nothing had the moves or magic of the epic love story "Dirty Dancing." And no one loved it more than Beverly Goldberg. Johnny Castle: [on the big screen at the cinema] Somebody who's taught me... Beverly: ...That there are people willing to stand up for other people no matter what it costs them. [mimicking] Sit down, Jake. Adult Adam: [voiceover] Unfortunately, my mom dragged me to see it with her... 17 times. Adam: You said we could see "Spaceballs." There's no space or balls in this whole movie. Beverly: Hold my hand. Live this with me. Adult Adam: [voiceover] My mom was so obsessed, she even bought a copy for the low price of $89.99. Johnny Castle: [on the TV] Nobody puts Baby in the corner. Beverly: Nobody! Erica: My God, his arms are like glistening tree trunks. Beverly: And -- woof -- mama like that muffet. [snorts] Adult Adam: [voiceover] "Dirty Dancing" was the only thing that got my mom and sister to get along. For the first time ever, they were, like, friends. Beverly: You know, this is actually based on a true story. Erica: I'm pretty sure that's not true. Beverly: It's real, and you can't take that away from me. Erica: Wait...maybe it can be! The sucky losers on the school dance committee are still fighting over a theme. We can do a "dirty dancing" dance! Beverly: Are you telling me you get to live "dirty dancing," and I could live every moment through you? Erica: That's not what I'm saying at all. Beverly: It's decided. We do this dance. Erica: Aw, screw it! Help me plan it. Barry: Lame! Sorry, ladies! Truth bomb coming in! This one gonna hurt! "Dirty Dancing" sucks! Beverly: No! Don't you ruin this for us! Barry: There's only one dance movie in this world that matters -- "footloose"! Erica: Go away! Beverly: Stop this at once! Barry: It has it all -- gymnastics, bros bonding secretly with dance, and a ruggedly handsome outsider who dances into the hearts of a small town. Erica: Please! "Dirty dancing" is at least realistic. A beautiful girl dances into the hearts of a small resort. Barry: No. Patrick Swayze can only be a badass roadhouse bouncer, not some tight-pants-wearing mountain dancer. Beverly: You are grounded for six weeks! No TV or phone! Barry: But I need the phone to talk and the TV to watch television! Beverly: That's the point. Barry: Fine! You took away my "footloose," I take away your "dirty dancing." [He is about to take away her "Dirty Dancing."] Beverly: What? Erica: No! Beverly: Hey! Erica: No! Beverly: Hands off my swayze! Barry: He's a bouncer! No! Beverly: Dancer! Barry: He is a bouncer! He's a bouncer! Beverly: Dancer! Erica: Dancer! Barry: He's a bouncer! Erica: Dancer! Dancer! Adult Adam: [voiceover] It was March 2nd, 1980-something, and my mom had one simple request of my dad. Beverly: Murray, there's something wrong with the wheels of this vacuum cleaner. Can you come down and take a look at it? Murray: I just bought you a new used one nine years ago! Beverly: I'm telling you, it's sticking. See, if you just move it back and forth, you know? Murray: [helping her hoover] Seems fine to me. Beverly: Just move with it a little. Just, uh, take a few steps forward and a few steps back. Murray: Yeah. Beverly: There it goes. [She switches the boombox on playing "I Had a Time of My Life"] Just really get into the rhythm of the vacuum. Murray: Oh-ho-ho, no! I see what you're doing. I am not dancing with you. Beverly: Damn it! I was inches away from having the time of my life. Inches! [She switches the music off and storms off] Murray: Hoo-hoo! That was a close one, huh? Pops: You mean, how you almost gave your wife the one thing she's desperately wanted for the last 25 years? The nerve of some people. Murray: See? You get it. Why doesn't she? Pops: Murray, it's important to her. It's just dancing. What's the big deal? Murray: For one thing, I literally have never danced a day in my life. And based upon my current energy level, not gonna start soon. Pops: Oh, stop. Everyone's danced at some point. Murray: Yeahhhh, not me. Pops: You've never been in the shower and hummed a few bars? Murray: I'm all business in the shower. Soap, rinse, out. Pops: You've never once been driving, and Miami sound machine comes on and you tap your finger on the wheel? Murray: Tap my finger? Who am I, Gregory Hines? Pops: Are you trying to say that even as a little boy, you never once clapped your hands to the radio? Murray: My dad traded it for a bucket. That's how I got my birthday bucket. Barry: This is a nightmare! And you're to blame. Erica: True. And it's going to be the first school dance ever worth going to. Barry: No. When will this "dirty dancing" oppression end?! When will everybody cut loose, footloose, lick off your sundae spoons?! Lainey: Sweetie, I keep telling you, the song is not about ice cream. Barry: You don't know! No one does! Geoff: [sitting next to Erica] Hey, pretty pretty. Guess you're gonna be looking for a partner to practice those sensual moves with. Erica: And it's not going to be you. Geoff: Come on, I know every single move that swayze does in that movie. Andy: Seriously. "Naked" Rob: Ah, good for you. Geoff: Actually, I've never seen it, but I will now, and I will dedicate my life to becoming your own personal swayze. Erica: You go full swayze, maybe I'll let you dance near me. Geoff: Proximity dance! It's a deal! Principal Ball: Yeah. No deal. [He comes and rips it apart] Erica: Hey! Principal Ball: There is no way "dirty dancing" will ever be a theme at a school-sanctioned dance. Erica: Give me one good reason! Principal Ball: It's literally got "dirty" in the title, not to mention it's wildly inappropriate. Beverly: Inappropriate?! Erica: "Wildly inappropriate." Beverly: That piece of human [Bleep] doesn't know what's inappropriate for children. Erica: He said the theme's gonna be "soda hop pop." It's over, mom. Beverly: Over? Did Johnny Castle give up when we was unjustly fired from Kellerman's? Erica: No, he did not. Beverly: That's right! He came back and danced dirty, and so will you after I march down to that school and give Principal Ball a piece of my mind. Erica: No. Let me march. Beverly: You want to march? Erica: I do. Beverly: Down there?! Erica: Yes! Beverly: To demand unrealistic changes to school policy, with a complete disdain for reason and common sense? Erica: I learned from the best. Beverly: I've never been prouder to call you my daughter. Erica: And I've been been proud to be your daughter until now. Adult Adam: [voiceover] And so, for the first time, Erica Goldberg marched down to school and channeled Beverly Goldberg. Erica: And if you still say no, I'll go above your shiny head to the PTA. No, the school board. No, the secretary of education. So, what do you and your coffee-stained tie have to say to that? Principal Ball: A month's detention. Erica: What?! That's not how this is supposed to work! Principal Ball: The thing is, I'm an adult, and the way you're speaking to me is completely unacceptable. Erica: But I'm a Goldberg. This is what we do. Principal Ball: And fortunately for both of us, you're not your mother [chuckling] and she's not here right now. [Behind the door, Beverly is watching him at the window door] Principal Ball: But...I think we could compromise on something besides a dirty dance. Erica: A compromise, huh? Principal Ball: Okay, door's always open, but no more steamrolling me! I want your respect. Understand? Erica: Uh, I'm not following. Principal Ball: [sighs] Thank goodness that's over. Adult Adam: [voiceover] As Erica was channeling my mom at school, my dad was being schooled by Pops. Pops: Ah, Murray, perfect timing. Come over here, take a seat. [It cuts to Murray showing the dancing album book] I want you to look at that handsome young man and tell me what you see. Murray: Someone who was still able to drop his pants in peace. Pops: No! This is a photo of your first dance, your first act as a married man, and you're not even moving. Murray: I moved plenty that day. I walked down the aisle, I stepped on the glass, I walked back up the aisle. I was a regular Carl Lewis. Pops: Damn it, Murray, when you asked for my daughter's hand, you said you'd do anything you could to make her happy. Does it look like happiness to you? Murray: Ugh. Fine! I'll do one dance, but I'm not moving my lower half. Barry: Did someone say "dance instructor"? Murray: No! Where did you even come from?! Barry: Come on! It's like "footloose"! You're the dopey farm boy, and I'm Kevin Bacon! Let me be your Bacon! Murray: Don't distract me with bacon. I'm not dancing. Barry: Come on! [turning on the music on the boombox; Footloose by Kevin Loggins is playing] Yeah! Feel the beat! There's nothing wrong with two bros bonding over dance. Pops: Barry, this is a delicate situation. You're making it worse! Barry: Well, the infectious music of Kenny Loggins will win him over. Pops: It's not winning him over. Barry: The human body is literally programmed to love Loggins. He can't say no! Murray: No! [Adam stops the music] Barry: Hey! Adam: What if I told you there was a way that you could be a dancing god without ever having to move your body? Barry: No! Don't listen to him! Murray: I'm listening. Adam: All you got to do is raise your hands over your head. Murray: At the same time? Adam: Yes. Barry: You're gonna listen to this lazy-eyed nerd when you have this at your disposal? Murray: I'm gonna go with Adam's easy thing. Adam: Okay, if you can pull this off with mom, you'll never have to dance again. Murray: Are you insane? I can't do that! Adam: And neither could Ferris Bueller's lame-ass sister. This is, until she learned how. [This scene cuts to the swimming pool] Murray: I'm in a pool. I don't want to be in a pool. Adam: In a movie, they were in a lake. Would you rather be in a lake? Murray: I'd rather be in my chair! Adam: Put your hands up. I'll jump to you. You catch me. Murray: 1...2...3. [Adam jumps to him but he jumps into the pool 3 times; then he jumps onto him] Adam: Aah! My soft-belly meat! Murray: I'm cold. Let's forget this. Adam: This is your chance to make mom feel loved and delighted! Murray: I'm freezing and miserable! Adam: Don't you swim away from me! What is that, a doggy paddle? You're a grown man! Adult Adam: [voiceover] While my dad's plan to dance sank, Erica was ready to rise to the occasion. Erica: Mom, guess what? I actually got Principal Ball to say yes, so the dirty dance is back on. Beverly: Well, that is very surprising to me, schmoop-aloo! [chuckling] I can't believe I did it. Uh, you! You did it, not me. I was here. [chuckling again] Mopping. Geoff: The dance is back on? That means I can still swayze you. Erica: Let it go, Geoff. I'm not gonna sensually gyrate with you. Beverly: I'm sorry, "gyrate"? Erica: If I'm gonna get dirty with anyone, it's gonna be Marc McGonagle. Beverly: Marc McGonagle? Geoff: Erica, I'm begging you. Give me a chance to groove all up on you. Beverly: No. Do not do that. Geoff: Let our bodies speak without words. Beverly: Stop! Nobody's body is speaking to any other bodies. This is just a school dance. Erica: Dirty dance. Barry: Ugh, again with that awful movie. "Naked" Rob: Think about it, dude. The school is letting us dirty-dance. They want us to get freaky. Andy: Unh! Ladies' man Cogan bringing it dirty, y'all! Beverly: That was not in the movie. Andy: Yeah, we never saw the movie, but the title says it all. Barry: Guys, if you're gonna dirty-dance, at least do it right. [They all practice dirty-dancing] Beverly: What have I done? Barry: Florida. "Naked" Rob: Yes. Adult Adam: [voiceover] After my dad's botched dance lesson, it seemed this was as close to "dirty dancing" as he would get. Murray: Look at him. Has to be special effects. No one can lift a tiny lady like that. Pops: You're finally watching that movie, huh? Murray: I know I promised I'd take Bevy out dancing, but I can't do it. I'll look stupid. Pops: Since when do you care about how you look? You spend half your life puttering around this house in your underpants. Murray: Well, that's about comfort. It's also a warning shot to outsiders that you're not welcome. Pops: All I'm saying is, you always care less about what other people think. Why is this different? Murray: Let me be honest with you. [sighs] I don't like to move my body. Pops: Yeah, we've met. Murray: Now, the thing is, I'm afraid. Dancing in front of all those people with their judgy eyes -- I-I can't do it. Pops: Well, you'll never know how you'll look if you don't try. Adult Adam: [voiceover] Pops was right. My dad had to see for himself. Luckily, he spotted my trusty camera. And, with no one around, he decided to give dancing a shot. He grooved, he grinded, he gyrated, he did...whatever this is. Murray: Look at me! Ha ha ha! I'm a guy who dances now! Adult Adam: [voiceover] He danced like no one was watching, and luckily, no one was. Adult Adam: [voiceover] The soda pop hop was in full effect. It was less than thrilling. Johnny: The '50s suck. To think I dressed up in my good rush shirt and everything. Adult Adam: [voiceover] Thankfully for every kid in that gym, Erica and her friends had other plans. Geoff: It's 21:00. Operation "dance my way into Erica's heart" is a go. Andy: That is not the name! "Naked" Rob: It's way too long. [Erica comes into the hall in slow-motion] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Yep, Erica was a girl on a mission -- make a squeaky-clean dance a little more dirty. Erica: Baby has a watermelon. Andy: Roger. "Naked" Rob: 10-4. Geoff: I love sharing secrets with you! Andy: You're so loud. "Naked" Rob: Way too loud. Geoff: I knew it. [Geoff, "Naked" Rob and Andy get on the stage] Andy: [to DJ] Hey, dude, some guy, like, barfed on your van. DJ: What? Who? Andy: Who? Uh...me? DJ: I'll kill you! [He begins to chase after Andy Cogan] 12 Tapes for a Penny [3.18] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Ah, the '80s, a time before you could magically download music, and your stereo was your pride and joy. Just one problem, tapes cost a fortune, so I only owned two, both of which were the Cocktail soundtrack. Luckily, back then, there was a way to get free music. Man (on radio): And coming in at number 2, Chicago. Adult Adam: [voiceover] Waiting for three hours to record it right off the radio. Unfortunately, in my house, that wasn't so easy. Adam: Hey, hey, Barry, do you mind? I'm recording Chicago. Barry: You won't hear a thing. Look at my hands. [He shows Adam his hands] These are the fingers of a sturgeon. [He plays a game of Operation as he tries to pick up a bone, it buzzes] Not cool, funny bone! Not cool! Murray: [arriving back home] I'm home! Adam: Shh! Murray: The TV's mine! Adam: Dad, I'm recording music. Murray: And I'm watching a very special Gilligan's Island. Where the Harlem Globetrotters come to visit. Adam: Please, just give me three minutes. Murray: I've always loved Gilligan, and I love Meadowlark Lemon. I never thought the two of them would meet. Barry: [The game buzzes again] Damn it! Adam: Can you at least try to-- Erica: I hate you and this house. I didn't even do anything. Beverly: Oh, well, I suppose the car just dented itself. Barry: [The game buzzes the third time] Come on, man! Murray: Like I'm suppose to believe... [Buzzing] Barry: Why does this thing keep going off? Murray: ...they build a basketball court on the island! Lucky: [barking] Beverly: My own daughter... [Buzzing] Barry: Damn it! Damn it! Darn it! Murray: That's obviously stupid. Erica: Apparently... [Buzzing] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Yep, it seemed I would never get to enjoy the music I liked until one day company changed everything. [Adam looks at all the cassette tapes in his locker] Dave: Columbia House. Adam: My God! How did you get all those tapes on a lawn mower's salary? Dave: They got this catalog filled with albums, and they just give you 12 tapes for a penny. Adam: That deal defies all reason. Dave: I know. I got them all. Abba to Zappa. 'Sup, pretty eyes? Girl Student: Not much, DK. Sweet tapes. Dave: Yeah. Adam: I don't know, man. There's, like, a bunch of legal stuff here. Dave: Dave Kim doesn't read the fine print. He lives in the moment. Tapes! Adult Adam: It had to be too good to be true. So I went to the biggest con artist in my family, my big sister. [The scene cuts to Erica's bedroom] Erica: Sure, you get a bunch of tapes up front, but then you enter into a contract to order more for full price. In the end, Columbia House always comes for you. Adam: Man, I bet they have like ex-navy seals to collect their money. Erica: I think you're giving them too much credit. Point is, you can't get something for free. Carla: Sure you can. What you do is go into a store, take a bunch of stuff, and then just walk out. Erica: Yeah, that's called stealing. Carla: [mocking] That's called stealing. That's what you sound like. Adam: Wait, wait. What if I give Columbia House a fake name and takes the 12 tapes? Erica: Well, it's illegal, but very clever. Adam: Yes! Then let's do this! Erica: As much as I would love to commit mail fraud with you, Mom's really been on my back lately. Adam: Aw, come on. Commit a felony with me. It'll be a good bonding experience, or at the very least a cautionary tale. Carla: Whoa. Your little brother's hardcore. Erica: Yeah, a hardcore nerd. Adam: Not anymore, Erica. Face it, now I'm a certified badass. Beverly: [coming into Erica's room] Smoochie. Muppet Babies is on. Adam: Yippee! [giving Beverly a hi-five] Adult Adam: [voiceover] It was March 16, 1980-something, and my brother went to pick up his girlfriend, Lainey. One problem, he had to get by her dad first. [Bill lets Barry in] Bill: Lainey! The screamy kid with the crazy eyebrows is here. Barry: Special night. It's our 10-month anniversary. Bill: Anniversaries are for years, not months, so you're celebrating nothing. Let me see your wallet. Barry: Here, take it. Bill: $6? Where do you plan to take her tonight? A vending machine at a bus station? Barry: Oh, it's fine. She usually pays. [chuckles] Lainey: Hey, Bar. [Rock music plays as Lainey comes downstairs to see Barry] Bill: Nope! Absolutely not! [Music stops] Shutting it down. [clears throat] Barry: [chuckles] Bill: If that jacket hits the floor tonight, so do you. Okay, kids, have a great time. Adult Adam: [voiceover] Even though Barry had won the love of his life, it was becoming clear he had not won over her dad. Bill: [sighs] Yet. Nothing like a cold one after work, am I right? Barry: Amen to that, brother! Love me the old brew ha-ha, nectar of the gods, foam hammer, wheat and greet, little truth water, golden problem solver, beer. Move over, rover. [sitting next to Bill on the couch] Bill: Are you telling me you drink? Barry: No! Bill: You just said you love cold suds. So which is it? Are you a lush or a liar? Murray: He's a moron. Bill: I'm gonna grab us a refill, Mur. You want a six pack, Mickey Mantle? Barry: Mmm-mmm. [Bill stands up and grab them a refill] Murray: Why? Barry: I'm probably being a little paranoid, but it kind of seems like Bill hates my living guts. Murray: [whooping] He sure does! Barry: I don't get it. Mom says I'm literally a human ray of sunshine. Murray: Your mom's a nice lady, but she's done some real damage to you. Barry: I need Bill to be my friend. He's like a father to Lainey. Murray: You're the boyfriend. No dad likes the guy who's dating his daughter. Barry: So it's not personal. Yes! Top shelf. Murray: Yeah, throw this away. Barry: No. Murray: I'll time you. Barry: Okay, got to beat my record. Adult Adam: [voiceover] While Barry was happily distracted, I was focused on pulling off the biggest scam ever. Erica: Dude, what are you doing? Adam: I had a revelation. Why create one fake name and get 12 tapes, when you can create infinite fake names and get all the tapes? Erica: Are you sure this is a good idea? Adam: I've thought of everything, Erica. See, Columbia House has agents everywhere looking to collect their money. But I'll be one step ahead of them with this. Each of my phony identities has elaborately fleshed-out backstories that I've completely committed to memory. Erica: Optimus O'Prime? Really, dude? Whose first name is Optimus? Adam: This guy. He's a 41-year-old truck driver who spends his long nights on the road jamming to the soft-rock styling of Chicago. Erica: Ugh, why? Adam: Because I'm praying God, Erica. Meet Dr. Garth Vader Stein. He's got asthma and issues with his son. He's also got an insane love of Hall & Oates. Erica: Well, we all have hobbies. Adam: Next, meet Stu Voltron, age 43. He's a divorced vegetarian. The only thing he loves more than animals? Billy Joel. Erica: I think maybe you should pump the brakes on your life of crime. Adam: I think you should beat it, narc. [Doorbell rings] Adam: [gasps] Yay! Adult Adam: [voiceover] For mere pennies, I had enough soft rock for two lifetimes. Pops: Wow. That's a whole lot of music cassettes. How did you get the money for all that? Adam: Do you want to ask questions? Or do you want a little Neil Diamond? [He puts a music cassette in Pop's pocket] Pops: I saw nothing. Adam: Good answer. Adult Adam: [voiceover] As I was in way over my head, Barry was trying to make some headway with Bill. Bill: [getting out of his car; laughing] There he is. Barry: It's happening. He's changed his mind about me. Bill: Anthony Balsamo, you old son of a gun. [hugging Anthony Balsamo] Where you been? Why don't you come around anymore? Anthony: 'Cause your beautiful daughter broke up with me. Bill: Ah, women. Who can understand them? Anthony: Hey, when am I gonna see you out on the links again? Bill: My buddy and I have a tee time this weekend. You should caddy for me. Keep this duffer on the green. Look out! [laughs] Anthony: [laughs] Hey. Barry: Ugh. Lainey: I hate it when my dad talks golf with my ex. They used to do it all the time when we dated. Barry: Your dad like him while you two were dating? I thought he hated me 'cause I'm your boyfriend. Lainey: Oh, sweetie, no. My dad hates you as, like, a person. You being my boyfriend is just a happy coincidence. Barry: Well, don't worry. I know a man who's got the inside track on your dad, and he'll be more than happy to help me. Murray: Mmm, yeah, uh... Barry: What is that? Is that a yes or a no? Murray: Yeah... No... Barry: You're mashing yes and no together. Speak clearly in English words. Murray: No... yeah, uh... Barry: Come on, Dad. You're Bill's best friend. Just talk to him for me. Murray: Talk? We mostly sit in comfortable silence and drink. Barry: You never once told him how cool or funny or athletic I am? Murray: You know, it's never come up, and I don't think it ever will. Barry: Can you at least tell him how good I am at getting all the shampoo out of my hair in the shower? Murray: As a favor to you, no. Barry: Did you tell him how I can palm a volleyball? Murray: No, 'cause you can't do it consistently. Barry: Tell him how good I am at all-you-can-eat shrimp. That red lobster hates me, tell him. Murray: No. Barry: Fine. If you're not gonna tell him about me, at least tell me about him. Murray: All I can tell you is he likes cheesesteaks and the cowboys. Barry: That's all you know about him? Murray: Oh! He also likes John Denver. Barry: Perfect. Murray: Who are you? Dr. Doom? Adult Adam: [voiceover] And so my brother was scheming to win over Bill. Meanwhile, my mom was about to get wise to my scheme. Mailman: Got a package for Papa Smurfenstein. Beverly: I think you've got the wrong address. Mailman: I suppose that means there's also no Inspector Gadget? Beverly: No. Mailman: Gary Grayskill? Beverly: No. Mailman: Snake Plotkin? Beverly: No. Mailman: Ivan Drago? Beverly: No. Mailman: John McClaneberg? Beverly: No. Mailman: Hulk Hulkerstein? Beverly: No. Mailman: General Zod? Beverly: No. Mailman: Jean Claude Van Thunderdome? Beverly: What's going on? Mailman: Let me guess. You have teenagers? Well, one of them's been using a lot of fake names to get free tapes. Beverly: Well, I think it's obvious who's responsible. [slamming the door] Erica: Me? Beverly: Yes, you. Who else would it be? Erica: Kermit D. Fonz? That's got Adam written all over it. Beverly: You expect me to believe that Adam did this? Erica: Yes. Beverly: Adam? Erica: Adam. Beverly: My delicious little snuggle monster? Erica: Yes, Adam. Beverly: Adam? Erica: He's guilty. Tell her you're guilty. Adam: Why does she say these things, Mama? I'm just a little boy. Beverly: See? He's has an alibi. He's a little boy. Erica: Why do you always blame me for everything? Just open the box and look at the tapes, and you'll see it wasn't me. Beverly: [sighs, then opens the box and looks at the tapes] "Weird Al, The songs of Fraggle Rock, The best of Andrew Lloyd Webber." And, finally, "101 farts, volume 2." [She closes the box and puts it back down] Hope it was worth it, Erica. You're grounded for a month. No phone, no crimper. Erica: A month with smooth hair? Are you crazy? [to Adam] Tell her! Adam: Okay, fine. It really was me. [stutters] It was such a good deal. I got caught in the heat of the moment. Which is also a song I got for a fraction of a penny. Beverly: Shh, you don't have to lie for her anymore. Erica: Seriously? Adam: What? Beverly: Let mama make you a banana split. [chuckles] Okay? You get nothing. Adam: Oof, tough break. [he hands a tape to Erica] Take Sheila E. For your troubles. Erica: [chucking it away clattering] This is ridiculous. Why do I always get blamed for everything that goes wrong in this house? Adam: 'Cause you do most of it. Erica: You know, if Mom thinks I'm so bad, maybe it's time to show her how bad I can really be. [She stands up and leaves Adam] Adam: Wait, this was you holding back? Oh, this is not good. Adult Adam: [voiceover] Tired of being labeled the troublemaker, my sister decided to live up to her name. Erica: Wow, yeah, okay. Let's do this. Let's shoplift. Carla: Trust me... It's super fun and easy. And also the only thing that really makes me feel alive. Ooh! Fanny packs. Erica: I mean, how much worse is shoplifting than scamming Columbia house anyway? Getting 12 tapes for a penny is like the same thing as shoplifting. Carla: [whispering] Just a tip... Maybe don't say "shoplifting" so much while you're shoplifting. Erica: Right, gotcha. 'Cause we're not shoplifting, which is, by the way, totally a victimless crime. Carla: I'm hearing a lot of justifying and not a lot of stealing. [opening her jacket showing the stuff] Catch up, girl. Adult Adam: [voiceover] Yep, my sister was ready for a life of crime just as Barry was preparing to steal Bill's heart. [Bill and Murray arrive to see Barry] Barry: Gentlemen! Thought you might like to load up on some meat and cheese before an active day in the hot sun. You're a fan, right, Bill? Bill: Of Geno's cheesesteaks. You bought Pat's. Why not just punch me in the face? Barry: Aren't they directly across the street from each other with the exact same ingredients? Bill: Go on, punch my face. Do it. Barry: Or we go to the eagles-cowboys game. 50-yard line, root for America's team? Bill: I thought you were a diehard Eagles fan. Barry: Until I discovered the Cowboys, my other favorite team, which happens to be yours. Bill: You're gonna turn on the Eagles just like that? Son, don't you have any spine at all? Barry: No. But you know what I do have? Matching bucket hats! Bill: Why? Murray: Oh, no. Barry: 'Cause you love Bob Denver. You know, Gilligan, from the island. Bill: What? Barry: He's my favorite, too. Bill: I don't like Bob Denver. I like John Denver. Barry: Is there a difference? Murray: Oh, no. Bill: Yes, one is folk icon who melts my heart. The other is a scrawny weirdo who couldn't close with Ginger or Mary Ann. Barry: [laughs] I totally know the difference. I'm just busting chops. I just got you this hat so your head won't burn. Bill: Are you calling me bald? Barry: No, you have a beautiful head of hair. On the sides. You look like a judge. Murray: Well, it's almost tee time. Come on, Barry. You're gonna come with us today. Bill: He is? Barry: I am? Murray: Yeah, I invited the boy to join us. Bill: You did? Barry: You did? Murray: Yeah, Barry and I play golf all the time. It's our thing. Barry: I've never golfed with you, not once. Murray: Moron, I'm doing you a solid. Don't blow this. [Barry agrees to join them] Adult Adam: [voiceover] My dad did Barry the rare solid. Now, all Barry had to do was drive it home with Bill. Barry: [clapping his hands] Ah, golf. The sports of kings. And queens, equal rights. [chuckles] I respect your foxy daughter. No, not foxy, she's an uggo to me. Not everyone else. They all think she has an awesome, plump butt. Bill: What the [BLEEP], man? Murray: Okay, we're trying way too hard. Barry: I get it, be myself. Murray: No, don't do that either. Anthony: Wild Bill! You need a caddy? Bill: There he is. Barry: Anthony Balsamo's here? I can't complete with him. He's a total babe. Murray: Relax, you're playing golf with Bill. He's just the caddy. Barry: You're right. He's the caddy, the guy behind the guy. He's the one in Bill's ear whispering sweet advice. That's what I got to do. Murray: Not what I meant. Barry: Hey, pretty boy. Take a lap, I got this. [He dashes off] Just give me a sec. I'll catch up. [He picks up two golf bags with clubs in them but drops a lot of clubs] Mailman: Hey, I got a package for Lucky Goldberg. Gonna need your signature. Beverly: Yeah, Lucky's a dog. Mailman: Then I don't know what to do. [Beverly seems to slam the door] Please don't slam the door. Beverly: The nerve of that Erica. First she frames her brother, and then she ropes in our sweet little puppy. You're not cut out for a life of crime. You're just a cockapoo. Pops: I ordered the tapes. Beverly: I mean, it's like that girl doesn't ever hear a word to say. Pops: I ordered the tapes. Beverly: She's my daughter. How come she refuses to listen to me? Pops: My God, woman. I ordered the damn tapes. I saw Adam do it, and I wanted in. Beverly: Wait. It was you? Adult Adam: [voiceover] With that, my mom finally realized she did blame Erica for everything, even when she was clearly innocent. Adam: Uh, Mom? It's for you. Erica's in mall jail. Adult Adam: [voiceover] And two seconds later, Erica was back to being guilty. Carla: I stole something else, but you're never gonna find it. Doug Fell: Your friend's weird. [Beverly comes in to see what happened] Beverly: [sighs] There you are. Classic Erica. You know, I actually started to think maybe I'd been too hard on you, and then you go and shoplift? And the worst thing is I'm not even surprised. Doug Fell: Actually, your daughter didn't do anything wrong. I was just having her stick around because this one is freaking me out. Carla: It's true. Erica tried to talk me out of it, and I didn't listen. Oh, God, my stomach's in knots. Can I use the bathroom? Doug Fell: This way. Adult Adam: [voiceover] Accusing Erica yet again didn't help matters. Luckily, my mom had a way with words. Beverly: So... Honest mistake, you know? Pedicures, my treat? Erica: You know, you made me feel like such a bad person that I actually thought about stealing. Beverly: Schmoo, I'm sorry... Erica: I don't want to hear you're sorry ever again. No matter what I do, you're always gonna expect the worst from me. You have no idea how hard that is coming from you. No idea. [She walks away] Carla: [Off-screen] You'll never catch me, mall hog! I feel so alive! [Beverly watches Carla run by as Doug Fell follows her] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Even though Bill Lewis was having the round of his life, my brother was having no luck breaking the ice. Barry: Being a caddy sucks. All Bill wants me to do is wash his balls and hold his bag. It's funny but hard work. Murray: I told you not to caddy for him. Barry: [sighs] I messed this whole thing up. I'll never get another shot with Bill. Murray: All right. I'm gonna help you. Barry: For real? Murray: Yeah. But this counts as your birthday present. Hey, Bill. Tweaked my shoulder. Barry's gonna finish the round for me. Bill: [sighs] Barry: Gonna use a driver on this one. Bill: You're 60 yards out. Don't use my expensive driver for this chip shot. Barry: Uh-uh-uh. No talking in my backswing. I learned that after I did it to you three times. It was now or never. [This scene cuts to Barry finishing the round for Murray] Adult Adam: [voiceover] Barry would have to dig down deep inside himself and do the impossible. [He takes a nice shot but he accidentally throws the driver into the golf pond] Bill: Son of a bitch. Murray: That's about right. Barry: It's okay. I got this. [He goes into the water but it is so cold] Whoa! Way colder than I thought. Adult Adam: [voiceover] As Barry desperately failed in that murky golf pond, my dad realized the kid really needed a life preserver. Bill: Starting to see why you call him moron so much. Murray: Yeah, well, the thing is he's the sweetest moron you'd ever want to meet. And he loves your daughter, so much that he'd do anything to impress you. Barry: I'm feeling around with my feet. It's mostly old golf balls and something with scales that's not afraid of humans. Murray: So, please, cut the kid some slack. Barry: Oh! I think I drowned a little. It was a very peaceful feeling. I saw my old gerbil. I'm going back in. Beverly: There's my baby. I made you your favorite. Cheeseburger lasagne. Erica: Pass. I don't want to get blamed if you burn it, so I'll just eat a lunchable. Beverly: But... Those are for lunch. It's the wrong meal. Adam: Wow, you really have failed as a mother. Beverly: Hey. I'm the only one allowed to say that. Adam: Well, it's true. You punished Erica for something I did, almost turning her to a life of crime. If that ain't failing, I don't know what is. Beverly: Oh, you're right. I want to tell her I'm sorry, but she refuses to hear it from me. It dawned on me that I could finally use my crime for good. Adam: Maybe there's someone else who can say it. Adult Adam: [voiceover] Thanks to my scam, there was one tape that was worth every penny. And it was the perfect day to say "I'm sorry." Beverly: Honey. Erica: Go away. I'm trying to enjoy my four crackers and ham square. Beverly: Look. I don't blame you for acting out after the way I treated you. Erica: I really don't want to talk right now, or ever. Beverly: Well, you don't have to because I found a band that'll do it for us.[Beverly turns the music on the boombox]Adult Adam: [voiceover] Sure, Columbia House drove Erica and my mom far apart, but it would also bring them closer than ever. Beverly: [singing] Everybody needs a little time away Erica: No, not Chicago. Beverly: [singing] I heard her say I heard her say Erica: Stop doing what you're doing. Beverly: [singing] Far away... Far away from their mother Erica: Don't make the words about you. Beverly: [singing] Hold me, schmoo. Erica: This is a nightmare. Beverly: [singing] It's hard for me to say I'm sorry I just want you to stay Erica: This is the worst. Beverly: [sniffles; then sings again] After all that we've been through I will make it up to you I promise to And after all that's been said and doneBeverly and Erica: [singing] You're just the part of me I can't let goAdult Adam: [voiceover] And with the help of one soft-rock band, my mom was truly able to say sorry.Beverly and Erica: [singing] Couldn't stand to be kept away Bill: There he is. You old son of a gun.Barry: Are you talking to me?Bill: Yeah. [to Lainey] Hey, sweetie. Can I have a minute with my caddy?Barry: No.Lainey: Be nice. [She just moves herself out of the way so Bill can sit next to him]Barry: [sighs] Bill: Listen. I know I've been hard on you, but there's a reason.Barry: 'Cause I'm not awesome like Anthony Balsamo?Bill: [scoffs] No. To tell the truth, I knew those other guys were just a flash in the pan. But what you two have, it's the real deal.Barry: You think so?Bill: Yeah. It's...scary. I guess I'm not just ready to lose my little girl. But I'm gonna try to be better about it. [Barry agrees with Bill as Lainey turns back to Barry]Adult Adam: [voiceover] Inspired by the girl they both loved, Bill decided to start a new chapter with Barry. [Barry laughs] As for me, I closed the book on my life of crime.Erica: Not so fun getting grounded for a month, huh?Adam: Honestly, it's a relief. I was on a dark road. Farewell, Garth Vader Stein. Nice knowing you.Beverly: Don't talk to him, Erica. He's grounded. You know, you could learn a thing or two from your big sister.Adult Adam: [voiceover] And my mom finally turned a new page with Erica.Adam: I really could.Beverly: Made you a banana split. [to Adam] You get nothing. [She leaves]#Erica: Hey, jailbird. Want to split this?Adam: I would like that.Adult Adam: [voiceover] Growing up, we're all seen a certain way. [Barry takes the last shot with the putter and he's finally puts the ball in the hole]Barry: Yes! Mark it down. Octuple-bogey! Whoo!Adult Adam: [voiceover] But the people you love always see you for who you really are.Murray: He's a moron.Bill: He really is.Adult Adam: [voiceover] And that's something worth celebrating. [The scene cuts to the word "Dedicated to my awesome tape collection"]Adam: This is my tapes, my other tapes. [Then the word appears saying "Cost: 1 Penny" with an arrow pointing at the tape; then "Addressed to: Kermit D. Fonz also appears below]Dave: Welcome to Contempo Casuals. Did you find all the hot styles you were looing for today?Erica: What? Since when do you work here?Dave: I had no choice. I'm into Columbia House, deep. They send me letters every day. I owe them hundreds.Adam: I told you to read the fine print, Dave Kim.Dave: Shh! Don't say my name! They have agents everywhere. {pointing at the girl] Look, that girl's checking out the stirrup pants. She's here for me. I don't have your money, man. I'll get it! Just give me time! [crying and running off] I need more time. Magic is Real [3.19] Dungeons and Dragons, Anyone? [3.20] Rush [3.21] Smother's Day [3.22] Big Orange [3.23] Have a Summer [3.24]Adult Adam: [voiceover] Maybe it was panic. Maybe it was nerd rage. Maybe it was the fact that my brother had been kicking my butt my whole life, but by then I said no more. [Young Adam bodyslams Barry]Barry': WHAT THE [BEEP]?! Ow... [walks away in pain]'' Category:The Goldbergs seasons