The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy/Season 5

The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 | Evil Con Carne | Grim & Evil | Underfist: Halloween Bash The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy (2003–2007), also known as simply Billy & Mandy, is an American animated television series created by Maxwell Atoms that aired on Cartoon Network. The two main characters, Billy and Mandy, have obliged the Grim Reaper to be their best friend forever after having won a bet over a sick hamster. Billy Ocean / Hill Billy [5.01] Captain Deadwood the Heartless: They call me Captain Deadwood, the Heartless, Arrrr! But don't let the name fool ya'... I'm not a real captain. Billy: I've never been a real son to anybody before! Except my real dad... [Mandy gets sprayed by cow's milk] Grim: What's this? [He sees a retro cartoon phonograph] Hey, Mandy, I've figured out what's making that music. [Mandy gets up] You okay? Mandy: Do I LOOK okay? Grim: It's hard to tell; you sort of always look that way. [Mandy gets sprayed by cow's milk again] Grim: [laughing] Now that's comedy! Mandy: [REALLY furious; screams] I HATE RETRO CARTOONS! [The retro phonograph hears this and becomes infuriated] Grim: SHE said it! [They both start to run away] Grim: Me Spidey Senses inidicate that whatever's making that music is turning everything into a retro cartoon. Mandy: Grim, you don't HAVE Spidey Senses. Grim: ... Now that complicates things. Keeper of the Reaper [5.02] Billy: Destroying stuff makes me feel so ALIVE! Mandy: I second that emotion. Grim: Ditto. Grim: [in Billy's fantasy] Gimme a banana! Harold: Honey, remember what I promised would happen someday? Gladys: You got the surgery? Harold: Even better! I got transferred on work! Grim: Transferred? Billy: Transferred? Harold: Aren't you excited? We get to move to another town and leave behind everything that has meaning to you! Billy: But I don't wanna leave. I just finished marking my territory. <hr width="50%/> Grim: Stop it! Just stop it! You're behaving like spoiled children! I suggest you behave like spoiled adults, and settle this in court. Billy: Fine! I'll see you in court! [He appears in a tennis court] Grim: Wrong court, dummy. Judge Roy Spleen: Let's get this party started. Do you, Billy, take Mandy to be your lawfully wedded wife? Billy: I DO! Judge Roy Spleen: And do you, Mandy, take Billy to be... [security guard whispers in his ear] Wait, not a wedding? Mandy: This whole charade is pointless! Grim should belong to me! Billy: Shut your dirty pie hole! He should belong to me! Judge Roy Spleen: BOTH of you shut your dirty pie holes! You will follow the rules of the underworld court, or so help me, I'll make you sit in the chocolate pudding chair! THE STAINS WILL NEVER COME OUT OF YOUR CLOTHES! Billy and Mandy: [both gulp] Judge Roy Splean: Got it?! Billy: Don't worry, Irwin, the monsters won't hurt you... unless they DECIDE to hurt you. Billy: [psst, psst], [Billy sneak at witness bench] Irwin! Irwin: Billy, I'm wet and I'm naked. And there's monster everywhere. Billy: Don't worry, they won't hurt you. Unless they decide to hurt you. [Billy left the bench] Irwin, if you would, please read to this court your pre-written words that I, Billy, not MANDY, is the best person to take custody of said Grim. Irwin: I'm cold, yo! Can I get some pants please? Billy: READ IT! Irwin: I believe... Billy is the best person... in all of the universe to take care of Grim. To keep him fed and clothed... and with or without him there will be nobody to unleash a deep reservoir of love... Grim: Reservoir of love?! Sick. Irwin: I wanna go home, please! Billy: Not until you read the part about my warehouse of COMPASSION! Mandy: Objection! He's leading the witness. Billy: I'm not leading him. I'm just trying to make him say exactly what I want him to say. [Jeff is being questioned by Mandy in the court.] Jeff the Spider: Hi, everyone. Billy: [gasp] Mandy: Could you tell the court your relationship with Billy? Jeff the Spider: He's my dad. Jury and Court: Ewwwwwww! Grim: Billy only hatched the egg, people. That's all. Jury and Court: Ohhhhhhhh... Mandy: And how would you rate Billy as a caregiver? Jeff the Spider: Pretty good, I guess... except he's never remembered my birthday... or paid child support... in fact, he usually just jabs me with a big stick. OW! Billy: [begins to jab Jeff with a really big stick] I'll jab you good, you filthy bug! Jeff the Spider: Why don't you love me, dad?! I'll be anything you want me to be! Billy: I WANT YOU TO BE DEAD! Mandy: No further questions. [Li'l Porkchop is being questioned by Mandy in the court.] Mandy: Li'l Porkchop, how long were you Billy's pet? Li'l Porkchop: Eleven minutes. Mandy: And what did he do to you, in those eleven minutes? Li'l Porkchop: Horrible, horrible things... I don't want to talk about it! I still wake up, every night, screaming... SCREAMING! [quietly] Screaming... Mandy: No further questions. Billy: So, Mandy? You think you can make me look BAD?! Well, guess what, Mr. Missy-miss? I don't need YOU to make ME look bad! I can do that all on my own. And now, you force me to play dirty. [Billy starts playing in mud, laughing] I'm a dirty boy. I'm a dirty, I'm a dirty boy! Mandy: Billy, you've just evolved a notch up the idiot ladder. Billy: Such biting comments, Mandy. But now, they'll bite YOU - in the butt! I call to this court, Mandy's mom and dad! Mandy's dad: It's not that we don't LOVE Mandy... Mandy's mom: We love her very much! Mandy's dad: It's just that we're... uhh... kinda scared of her. Mandy's mom: I'm usually too afraid to even make eye contact! Mandy's dad: When she was born, wolves came to try and raise her as one of their own. Sometimes I wonder if we were wrong to stop them... Fred Fredburger: Gosh, I love paperwork... especially the part where I get to write my name. F, R, E, D... F, R, E, D... B, U, R... G... E... R! Fred Fredburger! Yes! [About the judge's gavel.] Fred Fredburger: I like the hammer-thingie. When you do NOT get one! Fred Fredburger: [About Wiggy Jiggy Jed's hat] Hey, can I try on that hat? I think it's important. I think it's important that I try on the hat, because... Judge Roy Spleen: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Fred Fredburger: Judge? Judge Roy Spleen: No! Shut up! Fred Fredburger: ...Judge? Judge Roy Spleen: SHUT UP! Fred Fredburger: Judge? Judge Roy Spleen: I ORDER YOU TO SHUT UP! Fred Fredburger: Judge? Judge Roy Spleen: WHY WON'T YOU SHUT UP?!?!?! [Silence] Fred Fredburger: ...Judge? [Judge Roy Spleen finally gives in and he gives Fred the hat] Fred Fredburger: Yes. Chorus: It's obvious to everyone here, it's obvious to everyone here, it's obvious to everyone that... Fred Fredburger: I have to make poo-poo! [music stops] Fred Fredburger: Judge, the nachos made my poo-poo really stinky. Mandy: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Billy is a doofus. Just look at him. If you give Grim to Billy, he'll abuse him, abuse him in all the wrong ways. Billy: It's true. Mandy: But, if you give Grim to me, I'll abuse him in all the right ways! Grim: [gulps] Fred Fredburger: Hey, hey... are you gonna cry? Billy: [crying] Sh-Shut up! Scooby-Doo: She makes fun of the way I walk! I mean, look at me, I'm a stinkin' dog! Fred: Uh Judge, where are the nachos? Judge Roy Spleen: There aren't any nachos! Fred: Oh, then, where are the hot dogs? Judge: There are no hot dogs! Fred: Pizza? Judge: No! Billy: Tacos? Fred: I like tacos! Judge Roy Spleen: [bashes Billy and Mandy together] Don't encourage him! The Love That Dare not Speak Its Name / Major Cheese [5.03] Grim: [About Billy's choice to be the grim reaper when he grows up] So you want to be me when you grow up. I don't know whether to be flattered or terrified. Mandy: Since when has Billy ever been with a girl? So who is this pathetic, lonely, desperate, desperate, desperate, desperate, desperate, desperate creature? Grim: That's right, I can change my size because I'm SUPERNATURAL! Billy: Is it me or is Grim getting lamer? Boys: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Grim: Blandy, Blandy! Thank goodness you're here. You've got to tell Billy there's nothing between us! [Blandy shows her teeth evilly at Grim] Harold: We've look for Billy for hours. He's no where to be found. We're too late! We failed him, Mandy! Failed! [cries] Oh, there he is. Mandy': We got to tell Billy what we've found out about Blandy. Harold: I hear you loud and clear. Let me handle this. [Billy is shown choking Grim and his dad shows up] Harold: [shouting] BILLY! I have something very very important to tell you! It's very crusel that you listen to me! OKAY? [Billy is still beating up Grim] Where'd you put the remote control to the TV? I can't find it anywhere! Billy: In, the, bathroom, UGH! Harold: Alright! Thanks, Billy! Billy: Mandy, what are you doing? This doesn't involve you! Grim': Mandy! Mandy! You've got to talk some sense to that boy! He thinks something's going on between me and Blandy! Tell him it's untrue! Billy: YOU LIE! YOU'RE A DIRTY LIAR! Billy: [To Blandy who is a monster now] I don't care about that, Blandy! I still love you! Blandy: I don't mean you, I meant Grim. Billy: [to Grim, angrily] I'LL KILL YOU! Blandy: Billy? I thought I was marrying Grim. Adult Billy: [to Grim, angrily] I'LL KILL YOU! Adult Mandy: Remember, kids: Love only leads to pain. Modern Primitives / Giant Billy and Mandy All-Out Attack [5.04] Pud'n: Captain Deadwood, they called him. But don't let the name fool you... He's not REALLY a captain... Mrs. Butterbean: Thank you, Pud'n, for that... Interesting show-and-tell... Pud'n: I don't need your pathetic sympathy! Mrs. Butterbean [angrily talk to the mean old caveman, Fred Flintstone, drove roughly in Mrs. Butterbean's car] You do know, that now you'd kidnapped me, I expect to be married. [doorbell rings] Mandy: Grim. Door. Now. [Grim walks off screen and returns with Billy and Irwin] Grim: Here you go, your highness. Count Idiot and Lord Weenie. Billy [sobbing]: Goodbye old friend, may you find you destiny in the future, mighty Jake Steel. The future, where cars will fly and we'd all have nano machines in our bloodstream that will enable us to tell the time without a watch. The future... the FUTURE. Mandy: He's not dead, Billy. We just re-buried him in your front yard. What a waste of an episode. The Wrongest Yard / Druid, Where's My Car? [5.05] Grim: [after turning into a penguin] Wait a minute, my spirit animal is a penguin? I was hoping for a tyrannosaurus. Mindy: That's not fair! I'm a captain! And if I go, I'm taking all my girls with me! Football Coach: Fine! Mandy's way better than you, anyway. Mindy: Listen here, Mandy! If you'll become captain. I swear! I will never, ever, EVER speak to you again! Mandy: Well, I can't pass up that offer. I'll do it. Mindy: Uh! [growls] You...AGGGHHHH! [anger mumbling) Herbicidal Maniac / Chaos Theory [5.06] [Eris turns into a praying mantis and eats Hoss Delgado alive]Eris: When a praying mantis devours her mate, it's because she loves him. When I do it, it's because I'M CRAZY! HAHAHAHA! Hoss Delgado: You've never truly been loved until you've been eaten by a giant bug. Pud'n: Mister Skarr, there's a candy bar in the pool! General Skarr: Ahh, Billy! [spots Billy's parents] ...And some other people.[Skarr has been transformed into a plant-like creature]Harold: You know, Skarr, there's something different about you lately. I can't quite squeeze my finger on it. General Skarr: Different? [laughs nervously and gulps] It must be my... healthy glow of victory. Harold: No... it's your hair! [indicates the giant leaf growing out of Skarr's head] You finally got one! General Skarr: Billy, how would you like to see something REALLY special? Billy: Ooh! Is it a lady covered in ants wearing a loaf of bread as a hat, 'cuz I'd really like to see that, mmm-hmm. General Skarr: [bewildered] N-No. A Grim Day / Pandora's Lunch Box [5.07] Mandy: What do you want, bonehead? Grim: Billy's off to his Grammy's for the day, so I guess you have custody. Mandy: No can do, slim. Grim: Huh? Mandy: This is the one day of the year that's all about me. Grim: But I thought every day was all about Mandy. Mandy: True, but this is the one day of the year that I pamper myself. Manicure, pedicure, facial, massage. The works.[Grim looks confused]Mandy: Okay, I sit on the couch, stuff myself with cheesy foam and watch demolition derby. The point is, I need a break! Woman #1: Can you believe she said that? Woman #2: No kidding? Woman #1: Yeah, I'm just kidding. General Skarr: Who dares challenge Skarr! Prepare to meet my DOOM! Grim: I guess it's your turn Billy... I mean Pud'n. Pud'n: Hey... you are that nice mister Skarr, with all those pretty flowers? Grim: I can't believe that you actually saved the humanity. But you hate humanity! Mandy: I won't be tricked into unleashing a never-ending sorrow on humanity. When the time comes, I'll do it on my own.[About Dora the Explorer]Billy: Is it that show about the little girl who wanders around the jungle without any adult supervision, averting crisis and conversing with wild animals with the aid of her foreign language-speaking monkey? Mandy: Grim, you're gonna tell me how to stop her, and you're gonna do it now. Grim: And why should I do that? Mandy: [angrily grabbing Grim by the neck of his cloak] You're gonna tell it! Or, so help me, I will pull your stupid cloak through your eyes and use it as reins to ride your bony butt back to the darkest pits of the Underworld FROM WHENCE YOU CAME! Grim: Aghh, OK! Sorry I asked, you little psychopath. Mindy: [to her cheerleading squad] Don't stop! Get it! Get it! SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE! Dora: [after trying to make Mindy open her lunch box for some time] Look, are you gonna open my lunch box and look inside or not, you big LOSER! [Mindy, the girls and Irwin scream]Mindy: [stamering in shock] Wh-what? I-I-I'm not a lo-loser! You're the... [Dora walks away] Hey, get back here! I'm not through humiliating you, you... you bean! Dora: Er, mind if I join you. Mandy: Anyone who can do THAT do Mindy can join us! Mindy: [in increasingly panicked voice]I'm not a loser. Loser...bean, BEAN, LOSER! [Mindy screams in frustration, hits herself with the remains of the 7-Layer Dip and passes out] Grim: [To Skarr] " Blah Blah Blah Scythe. Blah Blah Blah Blah Scythe. Blah Blah Blah! Ultimate Power!"Billy and Mandy vs. the Martians [5.08] Morg: What a pleasant coincidence! I came here to talk to you about that particular game of limbo. Mandy: The game was binding. No court on Earth could overturn that decision. Not even in Los Angeles. Morg: You're absolutely right, it is binding. As long as all parties remain together on Earth. Irwin: Mandy! Take my hand! Mandy: No, I know where that thing's been. Billy: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.[Credits]Billy: [Talking quickly] Ergh, I feel like a just ate a quarter tonne or raw meat, went into a coma for 6 days and fell out of a moving vehicle in to a pile of vomit. Irwin: That's exactly what happened yo! Except, it's only been an hour. Dumb-Dumbs and Dragons / Fear and Loathing in Endsville [5.09] Boss Del Guapo: Prepare the scythe wipe. Dracula: Great, now HOW is Dracula supposed to get to the Early Bird Special? This is all Skeleton Man's fault. Dracula wanted to call a limo! Grim: There AREN'T any limos in the desert! Dracula: You can't tell Dracula what IS or AIN'T in the desert! Grim: OK, then, show me a limo. Dracula: [glancing around, then points off screen] There! Dracula see a limo. Grim: [looking annoyed] That's a cactus. [Camera cuts to Dracula sitting on cactus] Dracula: THIS LIMO HURT DRACULA'S BUTT! Singer: They went over the speed limit like an angry woman They caused property damage like an angry woman Oh man, just like an angry woman Truck driver: Everyone thinks that once a fingernail falls off it's useless, but that's wrong. See, I've been writing a book about fingernail arts and crafts. Here, take a look at this. Grim: What's that? Truck driver: Fingernail sunglasses! [Grim and Dracula are disgusted] The hardest part is finding enough fingernails, so sometimes I substitute toenails. Don't tell no one. Grim: [after being stung by the giant scorpion] Dracula... DRACULA! Please hurry, I'm in terrible pain! You gotta suck out my poison! Dracula: Nuh-uh, Dracula don't suck. Grim: But you're a vampire! Vampires suck... Blood! Dracula: Nah, see that's a myth. Dracula scrape with his fangs and lick up the blood. Like this... Scrape...then lick. Scrape...then lick. Grim: [getting progressively weaker] But what about my poison... Dracula: Didn't Dracula just tell you about the scrape-and-lick? Now, Dracula's gonna say it again for dummies who don't pay attention! Scrape and lick! Grim: Ooh... [Falls on the ground]Dracula: SCRAPE AND LICK! Giant Scorpion: My babies! Dracula: Well, maybe if you didn't make your babies so delicious, Dracula wouldn't have to eat 'em! Dracula: Get your butt up. Dracula still gotta make it to the Early Bird Special. Grim: WHY are you such a selfish old man? Dracula: Whatcha say? Nobody calls Dracula old! Grim: What do you know about me?! Nothing! You don't even know my name! Dracula: Your name is DUMMY, and if you knew anything about anything, you'd notice there's an Early Bird Special EVERY... SINGLE... DAY OF THE WEEK! Grim: You just don't understand! You'll never understand! NEVER! [runs away crying]Dracula: No fried fish for Dracula then. Tusken Raider: RAGGLE-FRAGGLE! Grim: Aagh! A sand man! Tusken Raider: Actually, we prefer "people of sand". Mandy: Ordinary morality is for ordinary people. Dad Day Afternoon / Scary Poppins [5.10] Harold: Take me with you. I mean, yeah. Go home to your own- Hold on. You mean to tell me that Mandy isn't our daughter? This whole time I thought she was, and what? Now you say she isn't. So tell me, who does Billy belong to? How much of my life is a lie? Is our Marriage fake? What about this house? My shirt, my underwear. Is this all part of some interplanetary conspiracy to make me think I'm a lowly construction worker? Hurter Monkey / Goodbling and the Hip-Hop-Opotamus [5.11] Goodvibes: Save the Buck Tooth Hippo! Save the Buck Tooth Hippo! Hip Hop Kid: Yo Goodvibes! Yo' momma's so hairy, Bigfoot takes pictures of her. Goodvibes: I can guarantee you this mister. My mother is not hairy. H2O: Word. Irwin: Hippo? He looks more like a fat cow. Grim: [After a long, awkward silence] He's dead. Goodbling: Oh, no, you didn't! I know you didn't just insult my man, H2O, dawg! Irwin: It was a mistake yo! I'm sorry! GoodBling: Is Goodbling gonna have to insult yo' Momma? Irwin: No! Please! Goodbling: Yo' momma's so. Grandmama: She's so what? Irwin: Grandmama! Goodbling: Grandmama? Grandmama: Yo' momma's so ugly that people go as her for Halloween! Students: Ooh! Goodbling: Yo' momma's so stupid, she sold her car for gas money! Students: Ooh! Grandmama: Yo' momma's so ugly, she made an onion cry! Students: [Laughing]Goodbling: Yo' momma's so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone! Students: Ooh! Grandmama: Yo' momma's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept! Students: Ooh! Grandmama: Yo' momma's so stupid, she cheated off Billy's test! Billy and Students: [Laughing]Goodbling: Yeah, well! Uh! Grandmama: Yo' momma's so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning! Students: Ooh! Goodbling: Uh, uh, uh, Yo' momma. Grandmama: Now let me tell ya somethin! Yo' momma so ugly. I tell ya she's so ugly, she needs two bags to cover her face! Mmm-hmm! That the pound wouldn't take her away! No, they wouldn't! That Dracula wouldn't drink her blood! Dracula: Dracula wouldn't touch her with Wolfman's teeth! Billy: Hey, hey, Grim, Yo' momma is so ugly, I heard your dad met her at a dog show! Grim: Shut up! Billy: Ooh, ooh! Yo' momma's so stupid she put lipstick on her head just to make up her mind! Grim and Mandy: Shut up! Spidermandy / Be A-Fred, Be Very A-Fred [5.12] Jeff: Will you be my mommy? Mandy: Does a chicken wear underwear? Jeff: Hmm... [imagines Billy in a chicken suit and underwear] Well, I'd have to say... Grim: Ah, you're awake, but some most kids who drink half a cup of spider venom don't live to tell about it. But then most kids aren't friends with the Grim Reaper. Fred Fredburger: [Grim accidentally spilled Fred's frozen yogurt]'' NO! You... KILLED my yogurt! Grim: No, Fred! It was an accident! Fred Fredburger: Fred Fredburger! Fred Fredburger! Fred Fredburger! Billy: Eh, good going, yogurt killer.