Brighton Beach Memoirs

Brighton Beach Memoirs is a semi-autobiographical play written by Neil Simon. It premiered on Broadway in 1983. Eugene Jerome Eugene Morris Jerome...It is the second worst name ever given to a male child. The first worst is Haskell Fleischmann... If only I was born Italian...All the best Yankees are Italian...My mother makes spaghetti with ketchup, what chance do I have? I felt her chest! When she grabbed me, I felt my first chest! Attention, ladies and gentlemen! Today's game will be delayed because of my aunt Blanche's headache... I love tense moments! Especially when I'm not the one they're all tense about. If I had a choice between a tryout with the Yankees and actually seeing her [Nora's] bare breasts for two and a half seconds, I would have some serious thinking to do... (On his father) "He was born at the age of forty-two... It started out like a murder mystery in Blenheim castle. No one said a word, but everyone looked suspicious...It was so quiet, you could hear Laurie's soup going down her esophagus. The tension in the air was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Which is more than I could say for the liver." It's amazing how quickly you recover from misery when someone offers you ice cream. How am I going to become a writer if I don't know how to suffer? Actually, I'd give up writing if I could see a naked girl while I was eating ice cream. You don't get too far talking to Laurie. Sometimes I think the flutter in her heart is actually in her brain. A momentous moment in the life of I, Eugene Morris Jerome. I have seen the Golden Palace of the Himalayas.... Puberty is over. Onwards and upwards! If my mother taught logic in high school, this would be some weird country It was (he whispers)- cancer! I think they're afraid if they if they said it out loud, G*d would say,"I HEARD THAT! YOU SAID THE DREAD DISEASE! (he points his finger down) JUST FOR THAT, I SMITE YOU WITH IT!" Kate Jerome Your father will give you plenty of stuff when he gets home! Stay on your own side of the street. That's what they have gutters for. From your lips to the Irish sweepstakes... I never voted before in my life, why should I start with my own family? STOP THAT YELLING! I HAVE A CAKE IN THE OVEN! This is a family. The world doesn't survive without families... You know me. I'm not happy unless I an worry. My family were worriers. Worriers generally marry fainters. Pearls are like people. They like to go out and be seen once in a while. Do you think you're the only one in this world who has troubles? We all have troubles. We all get our equal share. How many beatings from Momma did I get from things that you did? How many dresses did I go without so that you could look like someone when you went out? I was the workhorse and you were the pretty one. You have no right to talk to me like that. No right. To me good friends are strangers. But sisters are sisters. Blanche Morton Dancing is just for a few years. A diploma is forever. When have the Jews and the Irish ever fought a war? But mostly, you live for your children. Your children keep you going. Sure, it hurts, but if you love someone, you forgive them. You earn your independence. You don't take it at the expense of others. Believe me, there is no leg that's twisted or bent that is more crippling than a human being who thrives of his own misfortunes... I am tired of apologizing. After a while it becomes your life's work and it doesn't bring any money into the house. I've already buried someone I love. Now it's time to bury someone I hate. Laurie Morton I'm staring into space. I can't help it if your body interferes. I had to chop the ice. I'm all out of breath. Stanley Jerome How'd you like an official American League Baseball in your mouth? Let me give you a piece of advice: When you're going through puberty, don't start with anyone in your own house. Her breasts were gorgeous. Like two peaches hanging on the the vine waiting to be plucked...Maybe nectarines. Like two nectarines, all soft and pink and shining in the morning sun... Every time I get in trouble, I have to tell you what a naked girl looks like?...Do me a favor, Eugene. Go in the bathroom, whack off, and grow up by yourself. If you ever write a story about me, call me Hank. I always liked the name Hank. Nora Morton Sit down, mom, because I don't want you fainting on the floor. I'm going to be in a Broadway show! Then I found his coat in Mom's closet and I put my hand in the pocket. And everything was gone. It was emptied and dry-cleaned and it felt cold...And that's when I knew he was really dead. Jack Jerome At his funeral i'll put on a pointy hat and blow a horn, the bastard! If you're Jewish, you've got a cousin suffering somewhere in the world. What God gives us to deal with, we deal with. Me? Attractive? You really must think I'm dying, don't you? Dialogue Kate: How many times have I told you not to leave your things around the house? Eugene: A hundred and nine. Kate: What? Eugene: You said yesterday, I told you a hundred and nine times not to leave your things around the house. Kate: What would you tell your father if he came home and I was dead on the kitchen floor? Eugene: I'd say, Don't go in the kitchen, Pa! Laurie: Who were the Cossacks? Kate: Same filthy bunch as live across the street. Laurie: You mean the Murphys? Kate: All of them. Laurie: The Murphys are Russian? Laurie: How can you be in a Broadway show? Don't you have to sing and act? Nora: I can sing. Laurie: No you can't. Nora: A little. Laurie: No, you can't. Nora: I can carry a tune. Laurie: No, you can't. Nora:...Algebra and English isn't going to help me on the stage. Laurie: Arent? Kate: And get a quarter pound of butter. Eugene: I bought a quarter pound of butter this morning. Why don't you buy a half pound at a time? Kate: And suppose the house burned down this afternoon? Why do I need an extra quarter pound of butter? Eugene: If my mother taught logic in high school, this would be some weird country. Eugene: Fired? You mean for good? Stan: You don't get fired temporarily. It's a lifetime firing Eugene: (choking) Ma, I think I have a bone in my throat. Kate: There are no bones in liver! Jack: Only a four-year college education is equal to a four-year college education. Stanley: I don't think Abraham Lincoln went to college. Kate: You sit there and finish your liver. Eugene: I can't swallow it. It won't go down. Remember the Lima Bean catastrophe last month? Does anyone want to see a repeat of that disgusting episode? Jack: Why does he always talk like it's a Sherlock Holmes story? Kate: Eat half of it. Eugene: Which half? They're both terrible. Kate: A quarter of it. Two bites. Eugene: One bite. Kate: Two bites. Eugene: I know you. If I eat one bite, you'll make me eat another bite...I'll take it to my room. I'll eat it tonight. I need time to chew it. Jack: My father always used to say, "Throw your problems out to sea and the answers will wash back up on shore." Nora: Did they? Jack: Not in Brighton Beach. Orange peels and watermelon pits washed up. That's why it's good to take someone who knows how to give advice. Stanley: It's puberty. Eugene: It's what? Stanley': Puberty. You never heard that word before? You don't read books? Eugene: Yeah, The Citadel by A.J. Cronin. He never mentioned puberty. Eugene: What's wrong with being in love with your own cousin? Stanley: Because it's against the laws of nature. If she was your stepsister, it would be dirty, but it would be okay. But you can't love your own cousin. Stanley: How horny can you get? Eugene: I don't know. What's the highest score? Eugene: I'm not playing. I'm writing. Kate: Well, do it quietly. Blanche: I was never concerned about your leaving me. It was your future I was worried about. Nora: It was my future. Why couldn't I have something to say about it? External links Category: Broadway