King of the Hill (season 14)

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 | Main King of the Hill (1997-present) is an American adult animated sitcom that aired on Fox. The show centers around the Hill family, whose head is the ever-responsible, hard-working, loyal, disciplined, and honest Hank Hill. Return of the King [14.1] Peggy: Abb Shalab to you, Muhammad. Abb shal al hab. Muhammad: ... I'm sorry, sir, I think your wife is having an attack. Hank: She's speaking Arabic to you. Peggy: And what do you speak, Muhammad? Do you speak Pashtun? Farsi? I know a few words in those as well. Muhammad: No, I speak Arabic, but perhaps another dialect. I grew up in Saudi Arabia. Hank: Well we were just in Saudi Arabia. I was the assistant manager in charge of Arabian propane, and Arabian propane accessories for the Aramco. Peggy: Everyone there understood my perfect Arabic perfectly. Bill: [lying in bed in his dark bedroom, morbidly obese and with a long beard] Ohhh, it's been hard with you 'n Peggy gone, Hank. I...I might've let myself go a little. I don't get out much anymore. Brian: "Much"? You haven't left that room since 2020. Hank: Oh, no! What are you doing in there? Bill: Oh, a lot of streaming. I finished Netflix, Hank. Did you know that when you get to the end of Netflix, you get something called a "wellness check"? The Beer Story [14.2] Hank: What's gotten into you two? You all loved it before. Dale: Joseph was just bragging, Bobby got a bunch of fancy brewing equipment from his frat-boy partner. Remember, Hank. Your beer is our generation's last line of defense against these young punks. We're the dinosaurs, and they're the virus the dinosaur government created that made them go extinct. Bill: Yeah, it needs a bit more of that old gun flavor. Hank: What's old gun flavor? Dale: Ask Bill. He's the only one who's ever put a gun in his mouth. Bill: It tasted like I thought it would... Bobby Gets Grilled [14.3] Emilio: What's wrong, Chef Bobby? You look paler than usual. Like scared mayonnaise. Bobby: Oh man, my parents want a tour of the place, and I haven't told my dad that I use Japanese Binchotan coals to cook instead of propane. Emilio: So what? Bobby: Emilio, my dad loves four things in life: America, my mom, me, and propane, and when I was a kid, depending on the week, propane would be above me on the list. Hank: So let's take a look at that propane setup. Bobby: Uh, dad... Hank: [noticing charcoal in the grill] Charcoal? Ohh, I get it. This is just for show. Lure in the out-of-towners. The propane's in the back, right? Bobby: Dad, dad, dad! I use charcoal to cook. Not propane. [everyone gasps] Dale: Here we go... Hank: What? But we went over the different systems for hours over the phone! Those were some of the best times we ever spent together. Were all those "uh-huhs" you said after every point I made just lies? Bobby: No, I considered propane. Hank: Considered?! It gets worse. Hank: I don't get it, Peggy. Why can't he make a restaurant where he cooks on a propane backyard grill just like everybody else in Texas? That boy ain't right. Peggy: Now Hank, Bobby is not our little boy anymore. He is his own man. Hank: Alright then. That man ain't right. Chane: Hello. I'm the owner of Robota Chane, and we'd like to talk to the owner of this fine establishment. Yoshida: I am the owner. Bobby: But we spoke to a Mr. Yoshida on the phone. Yoshida: That is me. Chane: Dude, don't be a dick. Go get the owner. He's probably a little guy? Black hair? Yoshida: Get out of my shop! Chane: Look, I get it. You hate your job. Just tell Yoshida we're here. [Yoshida looks upset] Bobby: Chane, I think this is Mr. Yoshida. Emilio: But you're black. Yoshida: I was adopted as a baby by Makoto and Yamamoto Junko, and raised in Japan! I'm Japanese. You think coming in here with some token Japanese guy is going to make me sell out? Chane: I'm Laotian. Yoshida: Even worse! You think Asians can't steal culture from other Asians? Don't get me started on Hapkido. That shit's just Aikido for Korean. Bobby: Mr. Yoshida, please! We've got a restaurant to run, and I'm turning a lot of people on to traditional Binchotan-flavored robata. Now why isn't that a good thing? Yoshida: Still no. Bobby: You don't understand! I'm down to my last box! I'll have to close my restaurant if I don't get more. Yoshida: Good! You should have thought of that before you weren't Japanese! Bobby: What?! Chane: Now I know this guy's Japanese, 'cause he's stubborn as hell! Your loss, dude! We're gonna find another wood burner. Do you know who my father is? Ted Wassanasong. Yoshida: Did he play for the Tokyo Giants? Chane: What? No. But, he can do anything. In fact, he could start a Binchotan business and drive you out of the state! Yoshida: Oh yeah? Well, then I'll just sue you for racial discrimination against black small businesses. Chane: You can't play two race cards! Emilio: Hijole, the cojones on this guy! Chane: Man, if there was a Laotian martial art, I'd use it to kick your ass! Yoshida: There is a Laotian martial art. It's called Muay Lao. Chane: Don't tell me about my culture! It's called "suck it!" Tour Guide: You'll work as a team, and make important decisions about the September 2008 housing crisis, during the collapse of the subprime mortgage industry when the government debated the takeover of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Hank: Ooh, that's a juicy one. Tour Guide: Would you like to be the president? Hank: ... I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will- Tour Guide: A simple "yes" would have sufficed. Ma'am, you'll be Fed Chairman John Paulson. Peggy: Ho'yeah! I can buy and sell all of you losers. Nancy: Sug, can I be the Fannie Mae president? I just like the name Fannie Mae. Tour Guide: Huh- sure. Dale: And I'll be the head of the shadowy Trilateral Commission, David Rockefeller. [to the man next to him] And you'll be the Queen of England. We all know that the president's just a puppet, and that the queen and Lyndon LaRouche pulled all the strings. Hank: That's not true, Dale. Dale: Can you prove that it isn't true? Can you, Hank? Hank: Mr. President to you, Rockefeller. Patron: Can I be Epstein? Hank: From Welcome Back, Kotter? No. Why? Female Patron: Can I be Obama's Kenyan handler? Hank: Obama was born in Hawaii. That's reason enough not to vote for him without making stuff up. [to the guide] Wait, aren't you gonna do anything? Tour Guide: Ha. You're the president. Hank: No, not if this group isn't gonna respect the historical accuracy. I might as well stand here and do nothing. Dale: Fine. Vice President it is. German-American Cultural Association member: Are you any relaton to Cotton Hill? Bobby: [laughs] I'm his grandson. German-American Cultural Association member: He machine-gunned my grandfather. Bobby: So he was one of the "fitty men"? Chore Money, Chore Problems [14.4] Peggy: Why don't you sit down and relax? Hank: It's 10:30 on a Tuesday. We don't live in an opium den. Peggy: Honey, the whole point of retirement is you do not have to fill in every free moment with work. Come on, watch some TV with me. Hank: What are you watching? Peggy: It is a British reality show called The Make Up Bake Up. A couple tries to work through their relationship issues while making a pastry, cake, or tart. [unmutes the TV] Oh, and they are naked. Emilio: You're a good man, Bobby Hill. Dumb, but good. Joseph: Hey, were you mad at me earlier? Bobby: No. Why? Joseph: Because this afternoon, you texted me, "Joseph, we need to talk." Period. Bobby: So periods are angry. No man, I just wanted to tell you that Connie came into the restaurant today. Joseph: No way! To see you? Bobby: She was on a date, uh, with Chane. Joseph: Oh Bobby. Did you freak out? Did you scream at him? Did you slap Connie's name out of his mouth? Bobby: I was actually really mature about the whole thing, 'cause truth is, I really just want Connie and I to be friends. Joseph: [unconvinced] Uh-huh... Bobby: [gets a text] It's her! Joseph: Connie? What's it say? Bobby: "It was really great to see you today." Period. "Karaoke tomorrow night?" Question mark? Joseph: Oh-ho! Sounds like she's got Bobby on the brain! Maybe you still got a shot. Bobby: Nah, I bet Chane's going too. Joseph: Dude, still! Say yes! Bobby: Okay, okay. "Hello, Connie." Period- nope. "It would be my honor to-" Joseph: [scoffs and takes Bobby's phone] I'll do it. Bobby, you text like AI. Bobby: The rules are confusing! New Ref in Town [14.5] Hank: I went with Boomhauer to watch his girlfriend's son's soccer game. Peggy: Well honey, that is not a bad thing. I, for one, am glad to see that Boomhauer is taking his role as Luke's father-adjascent figure seriously. Hank: [sighs] I also filled in as referee after everyone turned on Boomhauer. They kicked balls at his head, Peggy. The disrespect for authority was just so un-American. Peggy: Our country has changed, Hank. Do you know that the cashier at Frumpy's asks for tips now? I came here for some sensible shorts, not to get fleeced! Hank: I love soccer, Peggy. Peggy: [gasps] You are lucky my father is not alive, Hank Hill. He did not approve of soccer, no siree. He'd ban me from being with a bad boy like you. Although, it's almost like we have a dirty little secret. Hey Hank, why don't you put on that referee uniform? I haven't seen your calves during the day in a decade. Hank: Peggy, the windows are open! Peggy: I know. Are you gonna put me in the penalty box? Hank: Now that's hockey. I'm reffing soccer. Peggy: Don't ruin it. [pulls him to the bedroom] Landlord: You can't bring a horse into our garage. Get rid of it by tomorrow, or I'm going to evict you. Joseph: Our upstairs neighbor has a dog! Landlord: You have a HORSE! And it just shat all over my wife's Ford Focus! Bobby: This is crazy! I'm calling Bronco Barry. [calls Barry] Barry: Goddangit, hello! Bobby: Mr. Bronco Barry, sir, you told me we were allowed to keep horses in a residential area in Dallas- Barry: No take-backs, mister! Bobby: But, what about honesty? I thought we were fellow businessmen. Barry: Oh, we are! And I out-businessed you! I've been trying to get rid of that horse for six months, and I ain't paying a large animal vet or some kinda funeral horse home to take him. You know what they charge to bury horses? Huh- do ya?! Two grand! And I wouldn't pay that much to bury my own mammy. Peggy's Fadeout [14.6] Hank: What the hell, Bill?! Bill: I'm sorry, but pretending to be married to Peggy gave me the confidence to make new friends! I mean, who wouldn't like the kind of man who was able to get Peggy? Hank: You photoshopped my wife's head on some... buxom trollop! Now I have to imagine you looking at that and... and enjoying it! It's a half a commandment short of adultery, Bill! Bill: Please don't blow my cover. Please Hank! Hank: I'm not gonna tell them the truth, because you have to. You started it, and you need to end it. Bill: Well, I'm not going to. Hank: Look, am I gonna have to kick your ass, "BD?" Bill: You can't push me around anymore. I have the strength that comes from the love of a good woman. Hank: YOU AREN'T MARRIED TO PEGGY! Bobby: Uh, Willow, this is Connie. She's not my girlfriend, but actually, even if she was, it would be okay that she slept over, seeing how you practice ethical non-monagomy. Willow: [scoffs] I heard about that when I was at SMU. It's just some BS college girls say to get side-dick. Connie: Excuse me?! ENM is a relationship structure that allows people to have a connection without hurdles like jealousy or expectations. Willow: Yeah, and side-dick. Any Given Hill-Day [14.7] Peter Wolters: I've been telling everyone I know Robata Chane is the place to go. Bobby: I knew there was a reason you were my favorite customer. Peter Wolters: Last time the Germans and Japanese teamed up, I wasn't a fan, but this is delicious. Bobby: I call it, the Axis of Flavor. Willow: I know the guy that runs the Cowboys Fantasy Camp. Do you think your dad would be into that? Bobby: Are you kidding? I found the first chapter of a novel he wrote about Tony Romo. He solved mysteries and had a dog that knew karate. Peggy: Nancy, would you read a book that is not on a device? Nancy: Peggy, if you break my iPad too, I will smother you in your sleep. Abraham: My wife, Martha and I, have been season ticket holders since 1972. Bobby: Is she here too? Abraham: Sure is! [holds up an urn] Willow: My dad used to work here, so I kinda grew up around football. Bobby: You never told me that. Willow: I hate being negative, and if I talk about my dad, I end up bitching about that piece-of-shit, Jerry Jones who fired him. Hank: Well, the man has no soul. He fired the late, great Tom Landry, too. Kahn-scious Uncoupling [14.8] Kahn: [after Hank catches Khan in his garage] Okay, okay, yes. I'm living in the garage because me and Minh, we got divorced. Hank: Divorced? But we just saw the two of you together earlier tonight. Kahn: All for show. Divorce is a mark of shame in the Asian country club community. If they found out, I'd be the lowest of the low, like a Laotian Bill Dautrive. It could taint Connie as good marriage material in the eyes of the Wassanasongs. Hank: Does Connie know about the divorce? [Kahn peeks outside his garage, before lowering the garage door] Kahn: Yes. Hank: That was unnecessarily dramatic. Hank Are you watching reality TV? If so, I'll go rotate my lawnmower tires. Peggy: I am. There's a new show called My Husband Lied to Me Last Night. But in this episode, he will tell me what really happened at our neighbors house. Hank: Uh, I think you're lying about the title of the show, but I'm gonna let it go. It's like I told ya. Kahn was working on, uh, his new bed frame. [cleans his glasses] Peggy: Oh, come on, Hank, you have a tell! Every time you try to lie, you clean your glasses. It was cute when you told Brian Robertson you voted for Obama, but not now. Hank: I'm not cleaning my- I'm just, [grabs his glasses] My eyes were feeling dry and- God-dangit! Okay, look. Khan swore me to secrecy. Peggy: So you're completely willing to lie for Kahn, but you could not play along with my bowling story? Your own wife?! Hank: Okay, you win. Kahn and Minh are divorced. Peggy: What? Hank: He's living in the garage, and I think he was peeing in a bucket. There was this ammonia smell. Peggy: After all that bragging, and putting us down, turns out their marriage is a lie? [very smug] Well, well, well... Hank: See, that's why I didn't wanna tell you. You're gonna wanna throw it in their faces. I promised I would keep the divorce a secret, so you do too, or we could ruin their anniversary party. Peggy: Hmm. Sounds like you want me to be an accomplice in your lies, Hank. ... That shut you up. Hank: No, Peggy. Now I am giving you the silent treatment. Peggy: Amateur. Connie: Thanks for making this whole thing slightly bearable. Bobby: Slightly bearable's what I'm here for. Anything I can do to bump that up to mildly tolerable? Connie: That's the bartender's job. [as they dance to the Cha Cha Slide] Hank I love a dance with clear rules and instructions. Connie: I'm sorry, Mrs. Hill. Peggy For what? Connie: For how my parents were treating you guys, and Bobby. He did a great job tonight, and didn't get any credit. Peggy: Thank you. I am sorry for what you and your family are going through. Connie: It's weird. I knew my parents were divorced, but it's like, real now. Peggy: I have always competed with your parents. Out- competed. But one thing we all did right was raise wonderful children. We tied in that. And if you decide one day that marriage is for you, Connie, you will be a great wife to a very lucky man. You are not destined to end up like your parents. Connie: I remember as a kid always feeling better after talking to you. Thank you. Peggy: Would you say that I was a better mom than Minh? Connie: Leave me out of that, Mrs. Hill. Bobby: [joining Connie on the golf course] I'm sorry for my part in all of that. Connie: Trust me, you're the last person I blame. Bobby: You know, it didn't seem like you had a chance to eat all night, so I- Connie: I just broke up with Chane. Bobby: [excitedly] You did?! [calming down] I- I'm sorry. Would mango sticky rice make you feel any better? Connie: I know good food can solve any problem, but right now, I could really just use a hug. Bobby: Well, I brought that too. [they hug] No Hank Left Behind [14.9] Hank: Where's this elevator coming from, hell? Bobby: [busy cooking while on the phone] Oh, I'm so sorry mom, I totally meant to call you back and tell you that I couldn't make it today. We're behind in prepping for the Dallas Foodie Week, that is apparently THIS week, and not next week! Emilio: I got the month right. Bobby: In short, mom, no pickleball. But next week's wide open- Emilio: No no no no! Bobby: Dammit! We need a better system! Hank: I can't believe I used to be worried about Bobby and his prop comedy. G.H. is even worse! He just spends a lot of time in that room by himself. Bill: Oh, he's probably, you know, shaking hands with the milkman. Dale: Yup. Boomhauer: Damn straight, man. Hank: That's not something Hill men do, Bill. I didn't at his age. Dale: I did! Some of the ladies in that Zapruder film were very shapely. Hank: Gah! Dale: It's all fake anyway. [Hank enters G.H.'s room to see him on a laptop, and he immediately closes it] Hank: It's um- what you're doing all the time, uh, it's natural but it's setting up unrealistic expectations. Most repairmen won't accept payment in anything other than cash, or- G.H.: It's not porn! I'm looking into personal development opportunities. Hank: Okay, well, let's see then. [G.H. opens the laptop and plays a video of a male guru influencer] Eli: Hey man, if you're watching this, you're probably feeling purposeless and weak, like you're wading in a pit of crap. That's because you've lost track of the four F-bombs. Family. Faith. Finances. And fitness. Don't worry. We've all been there. Over the course of one week, I can give you the tools the build up your F-bombs, but only those committed and relentless can crawl outta that crappy pit. ManMade. Hank: This looks like some good old-fashioned character building. G.H.: Eli's the GOAT. He has a two-day "Boot Camp-inar" coming to Arlen tomorrow. I was gonna go with my settlement money, but boys under 18 can't go without an adult male mantor. Hank: I'll tell you what, G.H., I'll be your... man-tor, although I don't see how that's better than mentor, but I'll also even pay for it, as long as you complete all the F-bombs. G.H.: Sick! [Hank extends his hand for a handshake, only for G.H. to fistbump it] Hank: Not the best start... [as Hank and G.H. arrive at the Boot Camp-inar] Mike: Excuse me, a light breeze blew off my ascot. Did any of you see it? Eli: [hostile] No. This is a gathering for men. [shoves Mike to the cheers of the others] G.H.: Sick! Eli: [as Mike begins to walk away and Eli catches him] But wait... we must help our weak, pathetic, emasculated brother, because that's what men do! Do you know the four F-bombs? Mike: Family, faith, fitness... Damn! What's the last one? [reaches in his pocket and pulls out a handful of cash, holding it to his ear like a phone] Hello? Oh yeah! [rips his overshirt off, revealing a toned body] Finances! Gatherers: Whoa! Hank: That's clever, see? Because money talks. [as Hank and G.H. run through an obstacle course, and G.H. starts to lag behind] Hank: Come on, G.H., we can finish this! G.H.: No! I can't! I'm just another weak loser, destined for cuck-titude! Hank: Those words... whatever they mean, have never described a Hill! Eli: [holding two plastic balls on a string] These are the Nads of Truth. While your brother is holding these balls, the rest of us will listen to what he has to say, and support him. Feel free to share any and all obstacles that you feel are holding you back as a man. Short Man: [given the balls] I'm too short! Eli: And who tells you you're too short? Short Man: Every woman on Bumble! Divorced Husband: [given the balls] I don't make enough money! Eli: And who says you don't make enough money? Divorced Husband: My ex-wife. Eli: Hmmm... another female. [Hank starts getting suspicious] Joking Man: [given the balls] Nobody gets my jokes! Eli: And who doesn't get your jokes? Joking Man: Everyone! Eli: And who is slightly more than half of everyone??? The Other Men: Females! Hank: Fellas, I don't think all women- Eli: Ah ah ah! G.H. has the nads. Go ahead, brother. G.H.: Brothers, I've been struggling a lot recently, mostly because this girl I really like put me in the friend-zone before I got a chance to ask her out. The Other Men: That's bullshit! UGH! Hank: Now, hold on- Joking Man: Hiiighwaaay tooo theee friend-zone! [beat] See?! Nobody ever gets my jokes! Hank: Now, G.H., I tell you h'what- Eli: NADS. Hank: [takes the balls] Just because a girl wants to be your friend doesn't mean she's a bad person. G.H.: Nads. [given the balls] But do friends stay up late laughing on the phone together? Or talk about problems we have with our parents? Hank: [takes the balls] That sounds like a pretty good friend, I- G.H.: [takes the balls] She was leading me on! Eli's right! Females are the problem! Hank: If she just wants to be your friend, that's her choice, and you need to respect her decision. [the other men all groan and voice their disapproval] Hank: What's the problem with respecting her decision? That's the foundation for a good relationship! Eli: Yeah, if you're a spineless, dickless jellyfish. Gamer Man: Actually, I think jellyfish- Eli: Remember we talked about which animals have dicks! Hank: I think all of you need a lesson on chivalry. Short Man: You're a beta! Gamer Man: Jellyfish! Hank: [takes the balls] Alright, nad talk over. Don't listen to them, G.H. G.H.: Why would I listen to you? Hank: Because I'm almost certain that I'm the only one here who still has a wife. Dr. Alexander: Her knee will be fine, however, I can't help but notice there's some scar tissue in her groin area, like she was kicked by a twelve-year-old some time ago. Bobby: [clears his throat] You can tell it was a twelve-year-old??? [in a flashback to G.H.'s birth, and Cotton Hill gives G.H. to Hank] Cotton: You can only hold him for a second! I gotta stay alive so Good Hank doesn't come out as terrible as you did! [flashes back to the present] Hank: Too bad, old man. A Sounder Investment [14.10] John Redcorn: [carrying a tray of red corn] Hello gentlemen. Would you like to try John Redcorn's Red Corn? [Hank and his friends sample the corn, and enjoy it] Hank: You got yourself some mighty good corn here, John Redcorn. Dale: Nancy would love this. Have you given it to her, yet? John Redcorn: I've been giving it to Nancy for... quite some time. Bobby: This concerto is dosed to be great according to the Beethoven subreddit. The composer, not the movie about the dog. That movie's subreddit gets surprisingly nasty. Mr. Coleman: Alright, so the purpose of this meeting is to discuss- Connor Feliz: [via a laptop] Ah ah! This is an executive session. Company officers only. Hank: And who are you? Connor Feliz: Sorry. Connor Feliz, accounting. Hank: Look, Connor from accounting, I don't know how to kick someone's ass over Zoom, but I'll figure it out if you try to put me out of my own kitchen. Strickland: [as some trucks appear] They're here! Gifts for our company founders! ... And here to present them, Pig Force celebrity spokesperson, Nolan Ryan! Hank: The Ryan Express?! Nolan Ryan: [holding four digital keys] These keys are for Peggy, Bill, Dale, and- how do you say this? Boomhauer: Talkin' about, dang ol' Boomhauer, man. Nolan Ryan: Dang ol' Boomhauer. Hank: How did they get you to come here? Nolan Ryan: I invested in Pig Force stock. You'd be a damn fool not to. Dale: It's gone up ten more percent! Nolan Ryan: Cha-cha-ching! Dale: Hey, that's my thing! Strickland: And it's still going! Yeah!!! [people begin chanting as they watch the stock go up] Peggy: Oh, wow. Is it possibly that I am even better at investing than I thought? Hank: I have to go to the bathroom. Peggy: And honey, while you're in there, I will get Nolan Ryan to sign a football for you. Bobby: Connie, I think I know why our dates have been terrible. We've been trying to have something we had when we were kids, and maybe we don't have it now, and- Connie: [heavily sedated on painkillers; begins to cry] Nooooo! Bobby: What's wrong? Connie: Wait, are you breaking up with me while I'm in the hospital, DYING??? Bobby: No! No no, that's not what I meant. I was saying the adult versions of ourselves might not have the same connection. What if you only like the husky 12-year-old version of me that played wooden spoons on his belly? Connie: [laughing] I loved that Bobby! But I really love this- you- Bobby now. I don't even know what I wanna do, but you, you're the bravest person I know, because you knew exactly what you wanted to do, and you are doing it! Bobby: So, do you like the me Bobby now as a- [Connie kisses Bobby] That was amazing. Connie: Get that cute butt in my bed! I wanna do weird stuff with you. Weird stuff to you. Ah, I feel so good. NURSE! ANOTHER ROUND OF THIS! Bobby: How about we just talk? Connie: Is that pudding? Bobby: You know it! John Redcorn: ... and now that my land is wild hog free, John Redcorn's Texas-Grown Red Corn will have a projected operating profit margin of 38%. So, Hills, what do you say? Hank: What does the Hill Family Inc. CFO say? After all, she's the reason we still have dividends left to invest. Peggy: She says, it is tint for Hill Family Inc. got into bed with John Redcorn. Hank: Uhhh- John Redcorn's Red Corn. The corn. She means the business, not you. I just want to be very clear. External links King of the Hill Category:King of the Hill seasons